Earth 2: Society #7

Where does your dick go when you fuck a Mother Box?

I know that's not a Motherbox! What kind of a sorry excuse for a comic book nerd do you take me for? Jimmy has obviously invented the Earth-Too Rubik's Cube.

Is this Wilson's final issue of Earth-2: Society? For his sake, he'd better hope so because I'm getting super pissed at having to read his boring fucking bullshit. I'm so angry that I have to read this! It doesn't help that I spent all day yesterday sick from either having ingested milk with my Superman cereal or allergic to something in the air or simply had a fucking migraine from getting very little sleep while stupid Tim and his stupid fucking assistant rebuilt the kitchen. Fucking noisy cocksuckers.

Every time I call somebody a cocksucker, I immediately think, "Why is that an insult?! People who suck cocks should be lauded and praised!" Even though it sounds so good being yelled at somebody (probably because of the double hard "K" sound (or is that what makes it funny?)), I should probably stop using it as an insult. I wonder if I've ever actually called somebody a cocksucker in anger in real life? I highly doubt it. I think the only thing I've ever called somebody in anger was motherfucker because the worst thing I can imagine putting them through is fucking my mother. But cocksucker? That's the kind of thing you call your friend when he shoots down all of your bombers in Axis and Allies.

Oh! Oh! Get how this issue opens! It's fucking Melville on toast!

Please fucking indulge them! For god's sake, be interesting!

Green Lantern continues his thought about how he's the heart of this new planet which screams out for protection. No it doesn't. Get your own dick out of your mouth and try thinking about the planet from its own point of view. Oh wait. It's a planet. It doesn't have one. It's just a hunk of rock which you transformed into a hunk of rock with green shit clinging to it. What does it really matter if Jimmy Olsen transforms the planet back into a replica of Earth-2? It harms nobody but your own ego, Green Lantern. It's as if somebody took a child's drawing and sprayed white out all over it so they could draw something more comprehensible upon it. Okay, so that sounds like a bit of a dick move but it doesn't matter in the long run and the kid probably won't remember especially after you soothe it with a bowl of ice cream and as much Sponge Bob as it can stand.

Well, at least he's being honest with himself. "The continents of my soul." Christ, Green Lantern, who do you think you are? The Walt Whitman of Earth-Too?

Huntress and Red Arrow are helping Jimmy Olsen transform the world back into home. For some reason, they believe they can trust him. But I have a feeling that putting his dick in Batdad's Earth-2 back-up cube will have repercussions of a disgusting nature.

The battle that was taking place in Erebus City wraps up because they're needed in New Gotham. Doctor Impossible's delaying tactic didn't get him as long a delay as he'd have liked but I guess that's what happens when your delay tactic is a guy on drugs, a girl who doesn't want to do the dishes, and a ugly emo guy. It seems Jimmy Olsen isn't as smart as he thinks he is pitting that group against The Flash and Superman. Also Batdick but, really, who cares about Batdick when you've got Flash and Superman? Aside from DC Comics' accountant.

Even though Superman keeps harping on about how they don't have time to battle Hourman, once they get to New Gotham to help, he decides to have that conversation with Kara he's been putting off for a year.

And, of course, she still believes the stupid bullshit she was told by horrible people. Although it's stuff which should make her feel sympathy for Val instead of anger but sympathy doesn't play well in comic books. Why can't sympathy cause more punching?

Red Tornado flies in to help because she's important to the story too for some reason. This must be the big finale since everybody is gathering together in New Gotham. Except for Hawkcop. Maybe she'll fly in at the end with the cavalry. Although that would mean this is only part one of a two part finale. So forget Hawkcop. I'm going to hope she's lost in the jungle still searching for the missing ship.

As the Genesis Machine begins to transform Earth-Too into, presumably, New New Genesis, The Huntress begins to realize something is wrong. She and Red Arrow instantly switch sides and ask that everybody forgive them for having horrifically bad judgment.

The battle could be over in just a few seconds if Power Girl and Superman would stop fighting. They must have been told to back off for a bit because the comic book needed to be twenty pages long.

Oh good. They worked out their problems while their friends were getting their asses handed to them. How nice.

The biggest problem with comic book tropes is how fans accept and embrace them. "Well, what do you expect? That's comic books!" As if the way a comic book story should be told was handed down by god on high and we just have to accept them. With all due respect to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, they aren't gods. We, as humans, have the power to change how comic book stories are told! Heroes don't have to constantly fight other heroes! Or, if one of them in particular usually acts that way, maybe the others should shun that hero? Like how nobody ever liked having Guy Gardner on the team because he was a complete tool. Or maybe they should learn to hash out their problems in private instead of waiting until the world is in danger to work through their issues with each other?

Working together like a society who promotes justice, the heroes manage to destroy Batdad's Back-up Drive and imprison Newest God James Olsen in Green Lantern light. All of the normal people standing around watching instead of running for cover high five each other and point and ask for autographs.

So incarcerating a person forever by the heroes own whim is justice? Is there some kind of law against terraforming this world? If so, how come Green Lantern wasn't arrested?

Who needs law when you have superheroes who know they're fighting for right and justice? Obviously the populace has nothing to fear because they wouldn't be called heroes if they didn't have a finely tuned sense of ethics! I'd be more comfortable allowing heroes to incarcerate supervillains without any trials if they would treat other "heroes" as supervillains when the other "heroes" did shit that endangered the public. Like maybe throw those Teen Titans in juvie for a bit. That'd go a long way to earn a bit of my trust back.

Earth 2: Society #7 Rating: No change. Oh shit! How many issues of Earth-2 (including World's End) have we had to endure without a Justice Society? About five million, I think?! It looks like they might finally be forming their little Justice League! Although judging by the way things have been going in this alternate universe, somebody is going to begin bickering with somebody else and they'll all get pissed off and go back to living in separate cities with their grudges for roommates.

Earth 2: Society #6

Calling Anarky "evil" seems a bit over the top. She just has a different opinion on how life should be lived. One with which I don't completely disagree.

I'm pretty sure the Anarky of Earth-Too is female no matter how non-female the Anarky on the cover looks. But then, it's not Anarky's responsibility to proclaim her gender through appearance. Although if she's the kind of person who gets offended when somebody misgenders her by using the wrong pronoun then she can just completely fuck off. Sometimes people don't use the correct pronoun. Who can blame anybody when everybody is trying to look as androgynous as possible! You'd think being accidentally misgendered would be a fucking compliment nowadays! And it's really strange that the most important piece of information on a person's Tumblr is their pronouns yet they risk going out into public without a button or pin stuck to their chest informing everyone they meet of this fact. Although I did once see one young person with a "He/His" button on his backpack that enabled me to type this sentence with the utmost confidence that he wanted to be called he within it.

Look, young people. We know it's cool and trendy to be all-the-sexuals or none-of-the-sexuals but definitely not the regular-old-vanilla-sexuals. And it's hip and groovy to be all-the-genders or none-of-the-genders or some-new-genders-that-haven't-been-thought-up-yet because it makes you interesting and cutting edge and not your parents. Fine. Whatever. Go to town! But don't think you're any different than every other generation of young people all striving to be cool and trendy in whatever was cool and trendy for the time. Also stay off my fucking lawn. If I wanted it to be full of glitter and squees, I'd let strippers wrestle on it.

The worst thing about youth is that it's a standing wave. There are always young people who think they're the first people to ever be young. They're the first people to ever think of an idea. They're the first people who really want to change the world. They're the first people whose parents don't understand them. It's a constant equation. But it's a constant equation with constantly changing variables which quickly don't include you. As you move away from it, you see how it never really changes in any substantive manner. The youths currently in the wave think they're rocking the fucking world. But just wait. The further and further you move from it, the more times you see the faces and style of that wave change but nothing that really matters. And then you just get tired of hearing how the youth know better than everybody else as they point out everything that's already been said and done before.

Tonight I just watched a very special Christmas episode of The Love Boat from around 1986. Peter Scolari (Commissioner Loeb from Gotham for the kids) mentions how when he was younger, his sister had a story book about a princess who went around saving princes and knights in distress. See, Youths? You didn't think of that. That's not your revolutionary idea. Although it would be something you'd be amazed to hear, turn into a gif set, and then proclaim, "Guys! This was in 1986!" As if everybody in the 20th Century was just dripping in cholera as they waded through streets full of feces decrying anybody who would stand against the Patriarchy. Of course it wasn't like that! There were packs of rabid stray dogs everywhere as well.

I'm glad I'm behind a paywall now so I don't have to listen to youths screech at me for opinions they might remember when they eventually hit forty and think to themselves, "Oh yeah. Got it."

Last issue, Batdick, The Flash, and Superman saved Neotropolis from being crushed by the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, Commander Sato's ship. They realized that the villain behind it was The Newest God Jim Olsen who now calls himself Doctor Impossible so I can stop typing the awkward phrase "The Newest God." They've gone to stop him in his home: the evil city of Erebus which you can tell is evil because it was named Erebus. Doctor Impossible isn't the subtlest guy on the block. But luckily all of the heroes have been caught up in a lot of drama over the past year, so nobody had the passing thought, "Erebus? Really? What the fuck might be going on over there?!"

Doctor Impossible has a few teammates. Johnny Sorrow. Anarky. And a new guy who isn't really new but has yet another new version of himself.

Instead of being a drug addict who gets sort of strong for an hour after taking a pill, the new Hourman becomes a god for an hour after sacrificing a goat.

No, I was wrong. Hourman's just another junkie hopped up on Miraclo.

Doctor Impossible uses Hourman to distract the super friends while he gets away to go see "an old friend." That's when the story flashes back to the origin of Earth-Too Hourman. He's basically the son of the original Hourman, Rex Tyler. So this is the Infinity Inc. Rick Tyler Son of Hourman Hourman.

After the flashback is over, Doctor Impossible visits with Helena Wayne to recruit her to his side. He just wants Earth-2 back instead of having to live on Green Lantern's Earth-Too. So the "evil" side simply wants to try to rebuild their planet at the cost of destroying the Earth-Too created out of the head of Green Lantern. How about they compromise and give Doctor Impossible and his group the evil bottom half of Earth-Too while everybody else can remain on the good top half! I'm sure Green Lantern can move all life into the Northern Hemisphere and then build a big green wall around the equator so that the Southern Hemisphere can be terraformed. It totally sounds like the kind of thing that happens in comic books all of the time! It's certainly no worse an idea than Gotham's Underground!

Earth 2: Society #6 Rating: No change. Hey! Guess what has been a bad idea in this comic book before and continues to be a bad idea? Setting Huntress and Power Girl against each other! Because who doesn't have just the worst memories of their friendship in Worlds' Finest, right? What an awfully joyous and chipper that relationship was! Pee-yuke! So many hugs and laughs and good times! What a wretched idea! But now it's being fixed by putting them at odds against each other. Well done, comic book and writer and editor. Good show! I hate you all.

Earth 2: Society #5

These beers must be from the eighties when jagged, purple-pink font was way extreme.

Last issue, Batdick got all up in Val-el's face and accused him of murder. I hope "getting up in one's face" is the appropriate slang term for what I want to say and not a sex move. If it's a sex move then people reading this critique of Earth 2: Society #5 are going to think it's much more enjoyable than it really is. They may have already switched over to Comixology to buy it based on the apparent face fucking that took place last issue. While they're there, they're probably also picking up the free comic book, "The Colonel of Two Worlds." I bet that shit is riveting!

Oh, um, anyway, Batdick, Val-el, and The Flash got into a bit of a scuffle. Eventually Batdick calmed down and magnanimously decided to believe that Val-el was too heartbroken to kill Terry Sloan. And it was right about then that the world government ship, The Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, came barreling out of the sky headed for Power Girls' home city of Neotropolis!

Excuse me? When did you assholes become a team? Was there an Issue #4.5 that I missed?!

Batdick is saying "There's nothing you can do" to The Flash in that page I scanned up there. Hey, Batdick! Guess what? There's nothing you can do either! Are you going to hook the ship with your Dickgrapple and swing it to safety? How many exploding Dickarangs will you have to throw to get it to change course? Oh wait! I know what you can do! You can apologize for being a complete prick to Val-el and ask him to please keep the ship from crashing into the Earth. Oh wait! You can't do that either because it's a red sun morning! I suppose you can begin thinking up a speech honoring all the people of Neotropolis who are about to die.

The Flash has this really great joke he says while on the Batwing as they're approaching the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5. He says, "I think you're confused, Superman. Dying while near each other isn't the same thing as being on a team." Ha ha! Such a good response to Val-el saying, "We're a team!" Although his timing is a little off being that Val-el said that back on land and before the conversation had moved on to how they were going to save Neotropolis. I suppose his Speed Powers fuck with his sense of timing. Or, even taking into account his Super Speed of Thought, it took him that long to come up with a witty remark.

The Batwing lands on the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5 and Commander Sato greets them in the hanger. I guess everybody on board the ship is immune to the gravitational forces, the inertia, or the momentum (whichever one would make it so that Commander Sato was not standing around screaming "We need somebody fast! Is anybody fast with you?!" and instead would be smashed against the inner hull) because Commander Sato greets the heroes and screams, "We need somebody fast! Is anybody fast with you?!" The Flash responds with "Why are you all looking at me?" A-ha! I see why his joke came so late and why he doesn't respond appropriately to Sato's cry for help! All of his super accelerating has smashed his brain against the inside of his skull one or more too many times! The jerk has brain damage!

Severe brain damage, apparently. He needs Val-el and Batdick to explain why they shouldn't be the ones to run fast?!

The Flash decides to have a flashback to one year ago when everybody was building cities all over Earth-Too. He helps long enough to realize that he probably shouldn't be living with his mother anymore. A few months later, he runs into Hawkcop who tells him how one of the ships that went down hasn't been turned into a city because nobody can find it. She needs his help because he can check everywhere on Earth-Too in just a few minutes. Although from his perspective, it'll probably feel like decades. But nobody ever fucking cares how toilsome things seem from The Flash's perspective. Just do the job quickly and stop whining!

The Flash is just a nineteen year old kid who is suddenly acting like a nineteen year old kid. If you're familiar with him from those other comic books I don't recommend anybody ever read, Earth-2 and World's End, then you might have forgotten that he's young, immature, and not very responsible. Mostly because he wasn't written that way but partially because you probably forgot that he wasn't written that way. Now he's into drinking and partying and not helping people because work is for adults and suckers! Somehow the alcohol on Earth-Too is strong enough to not be super metabolized by The Flash, so he gets so drunk that he misses meeting up with Hawkcop in the morning. He's such a failure!

Remember how everybody on Earth-You suck at being reasonable adults and mostly just act like terrified, ignorant idiots? Well, the people of Earth-Too aren't any better. When they see a superhero who isn't a robot (they react like the people of Earth-You when they encounter a robot because robots are fucking creepy, man), they mob him and insist that they help him solve their problems.

"There's too many of you! Don't push me! There's too little of me! Don't crowd me! Help yourselves!"

Newest God Jimmy Olsen appears to help Flash out of his predicament. They wind up in Erebus which is also known as Shadowtown. It's a city where Jimmy rules as a God. He wants Flash to join him for some reason which might have to do with putting a wiener into a butthole since I can't think of anything else Newest God Jim can't get for himself with his godly powers. But The Flash gets shy and nervous and runs away instead of accepting Newest God Jim's offer.

The Flash stops remembering things and believes he might have an idea on how to save the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5. It's the kind of idea that BatDick should have thought up but he didn't. He probably knew that he should keep his Dickmouth shut and let The Flash build up some confidence by saving the day himself. Val-el strips Batdick of his Dickarmor and puts it on The Flash instead. Now The Flash is both strong enough and fast enough to save the day! Which he does! And while he saves the day, Batdick figures out who the real enemy is. It's not Terry Sloan because he died, remember? No, it's Newest God Jim Olsen!

Earth 2: Society #5 Rating: No change. So far, Green Lantern terraformed the planet they're on to make it look like Earth-2. But that wasn't good enough for The Huntress and Red Arrow, so they were going to terraform the world to be exactly like Earth-2 which would kill all of the life Green Lantern had just created. That was bad for some reason. But it didn't matter because Terry Sloan stole the Source Vault, reprogrammed it, and was about to terraform the world into an Earth-2 that was favorable to him! But he was killed, so Green Lantern's Earth was safe! Until now! Because Newest God Jim Olsen's plan is to terraform the Earth in his image, killing everything and everybody that doesn't worship him! I think somebody just needs to destroy this Source Vault already or else Earth-Too is going to be constantly on the brink of destruction as one person or the next steals the Source Vault so they can remake the world to their advantage. That probably won't happen until every character has gotten a chance to have a flashback issue though. I'm having a tough time deciding what's so interesting about this comic book which is why this was just a summation of events so far as opposed to a superb philosophical essay on whatever the major themes of this comic book are. The ethics of terraforming? The corrupting influence of power? Oedipal attractions within the brain damaged minds of super speedsters? How violence trumps pacifism in mainstream superhero comic books? The misogynistic reflections of the patriarchy through the view of the boob window?

Earth 2: Society #4

Yay! A comic book issue about a pacifist!

This episode of Lost focuses on Val-zod. Since Kara is currently upset with him, my guess is the flashbacks will be heavy on the infidelity.

"Kara's vagina. Not Kara's vagina. What's the big deal?!"

What is Daniel H. Wilson's hard-on for this whole creation and destruction are two sides of the same stupid philosophy?! Didn't the Terry Sloan issue focus on this shit too? Goddammit. Am I being tricked into reading one of those stories where the story is a defense for itself?! Is Daniel H. Wilson not confident enough to just tear apart the history of Earth 2 so he has to explain to the reader how he couldn't help destroying that history in his effort to create something new and kind of boring? Maybe I'm being overly sensitive about this but after Snyder wasted a few issues of Batman trying to convince his readers to trust the whole Commissioner Batman thing, and the way Marguerite Bennett spent half of the Lobo Villains Issue telling the reader to suck her nuts because Twat Lobo is what they're getting and they're going to fucking like it, I can't help but feel I'm in for more of the same. It's also possible my cynicism is currently set to "Way Too Fucking Sensitive" and this is just Wilson's way of comparing Sloan and Val-Zod. See, Sloan is the destroyer who thinks he's creating and Val-Zod is creating with the realization that he's coming dangerously close to simply destroying. Or something. I just hope the adultery happens soon.

Val-Zod has created a city called Crossroads where misfits and factory defect toys live. The Flash has come for a visit because he probably realizes his desire to bone his mom means he should live far away from Midwest City. Batdick has also stopped by but he's just here to arrest Val-Zod for killing Terry Sloan. I don't think that was really Val-zod's fault since Val-zod is a pacifist. Or at least he was. I think that whole pacifist thing was forgotten three issues into Val-zod's existence. Now he's just black Superman who does all the same stupid shit that white Superman does. I had such high hopes for a Superman who solved problems with his brains and occasionally his penis.

Wow. Batdick has grown up to become a real cop! *tears of joy*

A brand new Earth 2 in a brand new galaxy and nothing fucking changes. Some guy is murdered and the black guy gets blamed. Good job, Grayson! You're an embarrassment to your Earth-You counterpart!

The Flash keeps Batman from beating on Val-Zod long enough for Val-Zod to believe Batdick actually deserves to have things explained to his violent ass. I guess that helps the readers so I don't mind. Explicate away, Superman! Don't be stingy on the graphic details of the probably violent sex with your mistress!

Superman's flashback is about how he and Kara fell in love and how even when the two of them are drawn really small, Jimenez has to highlight the gap between Kara's legs. Hey, comic book artists. Women's thighs actually do fucking touch. It's a condition known as "not starving."

Superman also repeats the thing about creating and destroying being two ingredients in the recipe of shitty philosophy.

The story also has an antagonist!

Oh! Anarky is female! Do I smell infidelity?!

I just realized you can't spell pacifist without "ass" and "fist". That probably means something sexy, right? Or just painful?

Sloan blasts the area where Anarky was with a laser from space and knocks out a bunch of civilians while missing Anarky. The Sandmen arrive to maintain order and Superman punches one of them in the face. So, yeah, I guess I should just give up on the whole pacifism thing. It was a nice thought to have a Superman who refused to resort to violence because he couldn't be killed by anything attacking him anyway, so why does he have to lower himself to their level? Instead, Val-Zod is just another Superman with violent outbursts who loses his powers occasionally due to the red sun in binary orbit with a yellow sun at the center of their new solar system. I guess destroying to create doesn't really specify anything about innovation and imagination.

Power Girl and Superman use one of the Sandmen's teleporters to transport themselves to Sloan's ship, the Overwatch-One. Could he come up with a more fascist name than that? Maybe the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-Five?

And then Superman gets to the part of the story where Power Girl finds out he lied to her about something that could only hurt her if she found out about it and so now she hates him forever for lying. I've said how idiotic this is before and I'll keep saying it because writers keep writing it but this whole false drama due to somebody keeping something hidden from somebody else is the laziest shit a writer can pull. Unless, of course, it's actually accurate to the way the majority of people act in their own personal relationships. Can that be true? Are most people this petty? Are most people constantly looking for any crack or flaw or sign of weakness in a person they love so that they can lord it over them and feel self-righteous in their anger and indignation?! Is our world actually just full of children who look like adults? Fuck me. No wonder I hate leaving my house.

Basically Superman's explanation to Batdick about why he's innocent of killing Terry Sloan just sounds like more reasons why he probably killed Terry Sloan. The idiot fell for the trap! Never fucking talk to the police, no matter how innocent you know you are! They'll only hear the bits of what you tell them that confirm their initial beliefs! See, police are just as dumb as everybody else. And most people are really fucking dumb. Nearly all of them. Probably 98% of you reading this are just complete morons. It's just a simple fact!

Hey Batdick! Do you know where your kid is? Ha ha!

It's nearly the last page when I realize the city isn't called Crossroads at all. It's called Nexus. Way to make that fucking clear at the beginning, Wilson!

The issue ends with Batdick getting a message from Mister Terrific about how the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-Five has been hacked and is plummeting into New Earth 2's atmosphere and headed straight for Neotropolis! I don't know why Mister Terrific called Batdick. What is he going to do? Throw a Dickarang at it?

Earth 2: Society #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm not super excited about raising this comic book up the rankings but this issue, at the very least, held my interest much more than the others. So what if I can't stand Power Girl's bullshit motivation for suddenly hating Superman? It's not like that same motivation has ever been able to stop me watching three seasons of Arrow! Anyway, I'm sure Sloan has faked his death and is working with Anarky because isn't that the way governments truly control their people? By infiltrating rebellious and dissenting organizations and steering them toward acts which will cause the public to clamor for more governmental controls?! So that's kind of interesting. Although it's still only the type of interesting that's made up in my head and not the kind of interesting that Daniel H. Wilson has put into this comic. I'm just trusting that he'll do the right thing and write the story how I would write it. That means a lot more sex and drugs and kittens riding raccoons riding goats.

Earth 2: Society #3

Humans in comic books are assholes.

I have a problem with these humans passionately hating androids. But I wouldn't have a problem if the angry mob was simply trying to destroy local television reporters. Fuck those guys. What a bunch of smug dildos. The current promo for the local Fox 12 news team in Portland, Oregon, is not the usual bunch of lies and half-truths to sell viewers on why Fox 12 is the best local news in the area. No, the current promo is pretty much a hand job to the residents of Portland. "We're intellectuals and coffee fanatics, vegetable growers and book lovers. We're hikers and bikers, amazing lovers and spectacular kissers. We hardly ever kill children for the Dark Lord and we rarely ever summon Great Old Ones. Blah blah blah. Tell me when you're going to come and I'll swallow it." I hate you, Fox 12. I hate everything about you from the chipmunk who does the weather in the morning to the female Joker who does the weather in the evening to that lazy-eyed newscaster on Sunday nights. But I hate the people who worship at your white-teethed altar even more. Go to hell.

I suppose I would be leading the angry mob on the cover of this issue. I know why I hate Tornado Lane! Let's find out why they do!

They might hate her because she begins the issue Narration Boxing, "Balance is an illusion. We're always moving. The question is...which direction? Straight ahead, of course. Where the story is." What? Why bring up balance to get to going after the story? It must be part of her Red Tornado Anti-Dizziness program kicking in. "Balance is an illusion. We are never actually perfectly balanced. We are just constantly in a state of falling down! Everybody's life is a decaying orbit around a lifeless planet full of poor decisions and regret! But the question is...did I use the ellipsis correctly? What Manual of Style do I use on Fake Earth 2? Do I start a new one altogether or do I continue to worship at the altar of Earth-33's Chicago Manual of Style? Am I, the only reporter on New Earth-2, doing important work for the good of the community or am I just a needy asshole who's deluded themselves into thinking they're serving the community by relabeling local gossip as news?"

The story Tornado Lane is currently after is the one where Terry Sloan is going to terraform Green Lantern's New Earth-2 back into Old Earth-2. That will probably destroy the local television news station, so if Tornado Lane wants to report on this story, she'd better help stop him. Are reporters allowed to get involved? Isn't there some kind of Hippocratic Oath for reporters and newscasters? I suppose if there were, they wouldn't have allowed their profession to become such a disrespected source for pap and bullshit. Hey media?! How about talking about things that matter like how Bernie Sanders could change the face of our political process while also increasing voter turnout by a huge percentage because suddenly there is a candidate that matters instead of incessantly whinging on and on about how Donald Trump needs to apologize to one of your own?

Can we also stop constantly demanding apologies from other people? We're ruining the entire concept! Apologies were not meant to be demanded and used to punish and humiliate people who offended or hurt you. If somebody offended or hurt you, point out that they offended and hurt you and that they're assholes and move the fuck on. If you demand an apology and they apologize, it means nothing. Apologies are meant to be said by people who actually regret something they've done. Apologies are not political shows just to get people off of their backs. There's a reason nobody finds apologies sincere anymore. Because they aren't. They're spin control. They're press releases. They mean nothing unless they're given freely and without coercion. Stop being so preciously thin-skinned! Y'all love victimhood so much it makes my butt hurt.

Currently everybody on New Earth-2 is about to be victimized by Terry Sloan. After they defeat him, they'll probably demand an apology.

There was no indigenous life on this planet. Green Lantern imagined it all into existence! And why does an android need glasses?!

I suppose only the handful of Twofers who suffered through Convergence know that the "indigenous" life on this planet was all created by Alan Scott's ring. Too bad he didn't make Planet Brainiac exactly like Earth 2 instead of whatever the fuck he made it like. I probably would have turned it into Greyhawk.

For some reason, Kara and Val-zod are not getting along. I guess they dated for awhile. Kara was probably under the impression they were monogamous and Val-zod was under the impression that hot reporter androids don't count as cheating and now Power Girl can't stand to look at Superman. Unless it was something not so cliche. I didn't guess the most boring possibility because it was the only thing I could come up with. I'm guessing the most boring possibility because Daniel H. Wilson has yet to truly impress me with any of his Earth-2 stories. Although I do enjoy how Dick Grayson keeps losing his kid. That's hilarious.

As Power Girl begins destroying the Genesis Machine, Lois Lane begins the part of Earth 2: Society that takes place one year ago when everybody arrived on the planet.

This is my reaction when the Robot Teller at the grocery store tells me to please remove my groceries and have a nice day.

Jesus Christ! Hey, writers! Not everybody is out to beat the shit out of anybody they find who's different from themselves! I'm sorry if a group of kids beat you up for reading books in junior high and shit but those assholes weren't the entire school! I suppose it does help to feel good and righteous if you believe everybody else is a complete dickhole. But you know what else feels better?! Masturbation! Hmm, I think I lost the thread of my thoughts.

Lois remembers first meeting the new Alan Scott.

Alan Scott: "Lois?"
Lois Lane: "I'm not Lois anymore! Alan?"
Alan Scott: "I'm not Alan anymore! But you're totally Lois!"
Lois Lane?: "No! I'm a robot without a home!"
Alan Scott?: "This is your home! It's totally different and not actually it but atomically, chemically, and biologically...it's the same!"
Lois Lane?: "That makes no sense."
Alan Scott?: "You make no sense!"
Lois Lane?: "Oh yeah?! How about this? Does this make sense: 'What about you, Alan? We're safe now. The ships have landed. Our society has to be rebuilt. When are you going to take off that ring?'"
Alan Scott?: *Leaves because Lois's programming has obviously been damaged and she isn't worth talking to*

Tornado Lane traveled the world for weeks after the Twofers crash-landed on it. She checked out Neotropolis where Val and Kara were holding hands and canoodling. She visited Midwest City where Jay Garrick was desperately trying to resist fucking his mom. She visited Erebus where Jimmy Olsen was forming the Cult of Freckles. And she visited the wilderness where Hawk Cop had decided to go full Walden. Or she was looking for the TSS Aphrodite so she could be the master of one of the new cities too.

Walls? Lois is impressed the humans could build walls?! "Hey look! You idiots managed to stack some bricks together! Good for you!"

Actually, the "walls" Lois is talking about are walls full of posters of survivors' missing family members. And even though Lois was now a robot and hated and feared by all humans with a lick of sense, she flew around and helped reunite some families. Lois Lane learned to smile again! And to also wear clothing! And fake hipster glasses! She can also cry which seems like a weird thing to program into a military android built to battle the parademons of Apokolips. General Lane must be a either a huge softy or a sadistic asshole. "I will make a robot that deals death and feels shame and remorse for all the vile things it will do in the name of war!"

Back to the present, Green Lantern appears to shut down the Genesis Machine before it can transform New Earth-2 into a Dungeons and Dragons world. Jerk. But he doesn't arrive until Terry Sloan is murdered and the Source Vault has disappeared! Oh no! The whole world is in jeopardy now! If somebody else begins a terraforming with evil intent, how will Green Lantern be able to stop it again in just a matter of seconds?!

Earth 2: Society #3 Rating: No change. Batman Beyond is just a continuation of the most boring parts of Futures End. And this is just a continuation of Earth 2 which was the most boring part of Earth 2. I can see some possibilities for this being an interesting comic book but it keeps running afoul of comic book cliches like using phrases such as "running afoul of". Here's my final though on this issue:

I'm glad Tornado Lane decided to wear clothing! It's so much more titillating when there's the illusion that she's trying to cover them up!

Earth 2: Society #2

Not only are the characters of Society living in Macross City, they're all beginning to resemble Robotech characters.

This issue is from Terry Sloan's point of view. He begins with the following thought: "To create, one must destroy." I guess that's true. To create a turd, I often have to destroy a bathroom. So, philosophically, the statement holds up. Besides, people wouldn't keep repeating it if it wasn't true, would they? It seems like a quote that a selfish jerk would say to rationalize kicking over somebody else's sand castle so that they can build their sand castle in the exact same location. It's an old saying so I think it should be changed to reflect modern times. I submit this quote: "If anybody is creative, we must destroy them!" It's almost certainly the motto of this blog!

Everybody is after Terry Sloan because he's an arrogant jerko genius which obviously makes him the bad guy. Smart people always have ulterior motives. Dumb people do too but nobody worries about dumb people coming up with a workable plan to successfully satisfy their darkest desires. Dumb people are also too busy pointing out how smart people lack common sense with devastating arguments like, "Smart people lack common sense." They never offer any proof because, like that destroying and creating quote, it just seems to be true by dint of so many people repeating it. Plus it consoles dumb people to constantly repeat it. I say it no less than five times per day. I mean, it just makes common sense that smart people don't have any common sense.

Hell, I'm dumb and I don't have any common sense! I just picked up a dusty toothpick, wiped it off with my horribly dirty fingers, and then stuck it between my teeth! I probably just implanted some bacteria that are going to travel straight to my brain and murder me! Man, why did I do that?! This is more upsetting and troubling than that time I had sex with a hooker without a condom! I suppose the heroin I shot up in the used needle caused me to make some bad decisions that night.

Speaking of horrible decisions. Yeesh, Flash.

Terry Sloan is busy prepping to terraform the planet. I'm not sure how he got his hands on Bruce's cube with the backup drive of Earth-2 but he's planning on sticking it in his Genesis Machine and bringing back Earth-2. He says, "It will terraform this plane--destroying all native life and replacing it with home." That's why he has to destroy to create! The only problem with this statement is that this planet has no native life. The "native life" of this planet came out of Alan Scott's imagination! What Terry Sloan is doing is the equivalent of tagging over another street artist's creation. That ain't cool, dude. No wonder Green Lantern is so angry.

Sloan has nearly the same flashback Grayson had last issue but with a few differing details. Sloan crashed the other ships on purpose to save them from whatever began attacking the ships upon orbital entry. That attacker was a traitor from within the ship! Which means it was probably Terry Sloan. But for now, let's pretend he's not an evil mastermind and just a victim. Who could possibly have betrayed the Twofers?! I mean besides Terry Sloan! We're trying to think outside of the typical comic book box where the genius is the bad guy and everything that happens is part of the genius's plan! Oh! I bet the real traitor is some other genius!

Terry Sloan remembers back to that day when everybody on board all of the ships he forced to crash land became his enemies. The only people who didn't crash on New Earth-2 were the people aboard the Overwatch-One. That's basically the old World Government and its military and its Sandmen.

Dammit, Sloan! You're making it awfully hard for me to not think you're the traitor like every reader already knows you are!

Sloan does indeed steal the Source Cube on the same day everybody crash lands on New Earth-2. I guess it took a full year to prepare it so he could transform the world into his own likeness. Batdick can't stop him before he pushes the button to terraform the world so I guess everybody on Earth-2 is going to die during the terraforming? Or does it somehow allow for people whose DNA matches that in the Source Vault to survive as everything terraforms around them? I suppose it's the latter thing or else Batdick wouldn't end the comic book with "This should be fun." He would probably end the comic book with, "OH MY GOD NOW I REALLY HAVE TO FIND MY STUPID SON!"

Earth 2: Society #2 Rating: No change. From the Sneak Peek, I thought Red Arrow and The Huntress were the bad guys who were going to use the Source Vault to destroy Green Lantern's world. But apparently I was wrong because I can't be bothered to dig up whatever Convergence issue the Sneak Peek was in to do any fact checking. Since it's not part of this actual series, we can just forget it ever happened anyway, right? The bad guy is now the bad guy that we expected: Terry Sloan. Although it's a surprise that Commander Sato and the Sandmen are fighting on his side. I hope Terry Sloan programmed the Genesis Machine to transform New Earth-2 into Golden Age Earth-2! I want to read some World War II stories with the Justice Society!

Earth 2: Society #1

Earth 2! Featuring nobody you remember from the Golden Age!

I hope by the end of this issue, Helena and Oliver terraform the planet and it destroys everybody, replacing them with the Justice Society. I was really hoping World's End and Convergence was going to put Earth 2 out of its misery. But here it is still on life support and as much heroin as the nurse will allow it. I hope somebody doesn't accidentally trip over the plug to the respirator!

The issue begins with Batdick climbing the walls of Macross City. He's under attack by somebody. I'm sure it'll be somebody recognizable since the only people that exist on this planet are the Earth-2 Wonders that survived Convergence and the citizens of Earth-2 who escaped on the TSS Endurance. Unless maybe Skartaris still exists in the center of the planet and all of the time traveling bad guys will eventually escape. Until then, I think the bad guys of the planet are The Huntress and Doctor Impossible and Green Arrow who might actually be Red now. And I wouldn't say they're actually bad guys. It's more like they and the other Wonders have a difference of opinion. One side thinks Planet Brainiac should be terraformed into a perfect look-a-like of Earth-2 while the other side thinks it should remain a figment of Alan Scott's imagination. One side is very, very wrong although I think I'm probably supposed to be siding with them. Whichever side has Batdick is probably the side the reader should be rooting for.

Batdick is after Terry Sloan, the original Mister Terrific who now goes by Mister Eight because fuck if I know. I don't know if he's trying to save him from a sniper or capture him. Terry Sloan is the smartest man on New Earth-2, so the "good" guys may just need him to fix their computers full of porn viruses thanks to Power Girl.

Looks like Batdick is trying to save Sloan from Johnny Sorrow and the Ministers of Truth. That sounds like a gang from The Boomer Bible.

Since this is all taking place one year after Planet Brainiac's conversion to New Earth-2, we need some flashbacks to figure out what's going on!

In the flashback, Dick Grayson remembers enough of World's End and Convergence to satisfy anybody smart enough not to have bothered with them. Green Lantern and Telos transformed Planet Brainiac into a new Earth and shoved it into a binary star system in a Goldilock's orbit. Green Lantern then set off a beacon to call back the survivors of Earth-2. When they arrive in twelve separate ships, Terry Sloan causes them to crash in twelve carefully chosen coordinates. Luckily Green Lantern is around to save the lives of New Earth-2's new citizens. No thanks to Terry Sloan! I hope the Ministers of Truth kick his ass!

Dick Grayson is saved by Mister Terrific (the new Michael Holt version) and declares they've arrived to build a better world. Ha! Not if Green Lantern can help it!

Back to the present, Batdick takes a moment to check on some kid to make sure it's not his kid. Fucking father of the year still can't find his son, enh? After Batdick feeds the kid's dog some chocolate, he returns to rescuing Terry Sloan.

I guess the Ministers of Truth show their faces and whoever sees them (even themselves) goes mad?

Terry Sloan gets away leaving the reader with a whole lot of explication, a few mysteries, and a story that might work if Daniel H. Wilson can figure out the pacing. He also needs to work on what needs to be said and what can be left out. I think this issue would have been better off telling most of its tale in the present and telling only so much of the flashback as Dick Grayson would have been aware of. The ships coming in and then mysteriously crashing. Maybe seeing Green Lantern helping out and then his rescue by Mister Terrific. Fill the pages you've saved with more interaction with Johnny Sorrow to get the reader interested in the story that really matters. The back story can be filled in tiny portion by tiny portion and in a variety of imaginative ways that don't need a flashback scene that walks us through every single moment. Do writers and comic book companies fear readers closing a monthly title with lots of questions? I think they like to stick with just one because they probably think readers are dumb. So the big question this book leaves us with is this: who is Terry Sloan afraid of?!

Earth 2: Society #1 Rating: I'm afraid this book is going to get overwhelmed by all of the characters. It really should just be Earth 2: Batdick. Twenty pages every month isn't a lot of room to deal with multiple characters. Especially when Earth-2 comic books have been going on for three years and we've yet to even come close to any kind of Justice Society group. How about simply dropping the Just Forget About Us Society and give the lead to Dick Grayson?

Earth 2 #32

Why has nobody taken Fury aside to tell her that her outfit makes no fucking sense?

Let's change our language regarding sexual identity! From now on, our sexual identity should be expressed by the sexual organs with which we want to interact. So if you love vagina, you'd be a Vagetarian. And if you like dick, you'd be a Cockivore. If you liked them both, you'd be at the Omnibuffet. If you're not into any sexual organs, you'd just carry a napkin around and when somebody asks, you'd hold it up to your lips as if you were covering a burp and shake your head no. If you're just into ass play, you're a Regular at the Salad Bar. I think this fixes the entire conversation on sexual identity! Where's my Nobel Cock Ring?

One of the issues with sex is that I think the younger a person is (yet still being old enough to be all into doing it big time and a lot!), the more pressure that person feels to seem kinky and outrageous in the bedroom. A lot of unnecessary bragging goes on during the first decade or two of sexuality. There's a need to impress a partner with wild flailing or pushing boundaries or even involving yourself in sexual situations where you find yourself ultimately uncomfortable but press on for the sake of how your partner sees you. Eventually though, you hit a certain age where you just want you and your partner to have a good time that ends in orgasm for both parties. You don't need to impress anybody or be afraid that your vanilla sexy style is going to bore your partner. You just do to your partner things they like that bring them to orgasm and hope your partner reciprocates by doing things you like that will bring you to orgasm. You don't need wild flailing or breathy moans or Lovecraftian sex talk (unless you're fucking me and then you'd better do some research) in the bedroom. You just need to be the nakedest, most trusting and open version of yourself. And maybe a bull whip and some Ben Wa balls.

Passionate, experimental, youthful, trying hard to impress sex can be a lot of fun. But it can also be exhausting. After a certain age, it's just nice to find a trusting partner with whom you can have relaxing, comfortable orgasms! Did I mention the exhilarating pleasures of dangerous sex involving strangers with loaded guns? Should I not have mentioned that? Should I delete the link to the website where you can meet up for that? Yeah, I probably should.

Um, Earth-2 has people on it and they have sex as well! Whew! What a smooth segue!

See? The comic opens up with some Kryptonian sexy talk.

I wonder if Oracle's kink (the New 52 Galactus created by Scott Lobdell and not the Preboot Babs in a wheelchair version) is that he can only get off while watching worlds die? So Oracle sends out that guy with the horn to find dying planets so that he can rush over and jerk it while he watches the planet die.

This is the last issue of Earth-2, so Earth-2 is probably going to get fucked by Apokolips. Literally!

Ha ha! Right. "Drill."

After The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick points out the drill, Hawkcop quotes the Earth-2 version of Star Wars: "That's not a drill--it's a modified satellite." That didn't even end in an exclamation point which can only mean Earth-2 Star Wars was boring.

While The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Hawkcop joke about the "drill," Doctor Cocoa Puffs whines and pouts about how he failed his friends and abandoned them during the battle. And since the battle is still raging, Doctor Cocoa Puffs throws down the helmet and continues to abandon his friends while completely hating himself.

Commander Sato brings up to speed the only hero that can possibly save everybody: Replacement Batman! At least I think he's the only person that can save them by some kind of Bruce Willieian sacrifice. He can't make it back to Earth-Main-Earth because that would make Bruce Wayne cry constantly. So he's going to have to become a martyr to give everybody else a chance to escape. Commander Sato's quote's Earth-2's version of Red Dwarf to get her message across to Replacement Batman. "Dead, Batman. They're all dead. Jimmy Olsen? Dead, Batman. The Avatars of Earth? All dead. Everyone is dead, Batman."

And then the super hot sex scene that's making me super uncomfortable in the pants.

Just so we're clear: I'm totally against planetary rape and planetary rape culture.

Steel finally gets to have some time with the talking stick and he describes that time way back in Issue #13 where he went into the firepit and met the Red Avatar. He starts talking about choices and hope and living and dying but since he's military, he can't help but ruin anything he previously said by ending his speech with "do your damn duty." Fuck you, Steel! Sometimes walking away from your damn duty is the more ethical decision! I hate you!

Commander Sato gives an impassioned halftime coach to the players speech which ends with "Ten against the gods!" I'm disappointed that nobody says, "Gods? Never tell me the gods!"

Oh Val-el. What happened to your incessant mantra of "There's got to be another way"?

I had such high hopes for a pacifist Superman who always stuck to his principles, refusing to throw a single punch while always finding another way to use his powers to subdue or defeat his enemies. But he's just going to become the same old guy that constantly resorts to throwing punches, isn't he?

Hawkcop and Doctor Cocoa Puffs penetrate the "drill" to find and destroy its power source. They discover a glowing ball of fire which is probably a decent representation of an alien power source, so Hawkcop begins shooting bullets into it. She seems surprised when her "guys" (how cute! She calls her guns her guys!) are powerless against it. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs saves the day, proving that he can wield the Helm of Nabu without going completely bonkers. I think it's time to upgrade his name to Doctor Froot Loops. Froot Loops are less crazy than Cocoa Puffs, right?

So the satellite is destroyed but that doesn't mean Apokolips has been defeated! There's still more story left for the Earth-2 wonders over in that piece of extreme garbage, World's End! I mean, that excellent weekly periodical!

Earth 2 #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. For once some of the important action got to take place in Earth-2 instead of World's End! That made this issue reminiscent of a postcard from Devil's Tower that liberally interprets the Lakota myth of its creation.

World's End #17

*screams into microphone* "Seventeen issues of disappointment!" *huge guitar riff* "And counting!" *sound like drumsticks falling on drums because the drummer had an aneurysm*

Look at that fucking manspread on Desaad! He's one bad alpha asshole! Oh, and check out the gap in Barda's thighs! She is one hot bitch! Or is Barda knock-kneed with a bit of the old scoliosis? And maybe Desaad has had so many pelvic breaks that he can't close his legs when he sits? Now I feel like an asshole! Maybe I should change the subject.

Well, maybe I'll sort of change the subject. So I checked out the manspreading tag on Tumblr and it is just filled with unintentional comedy. So many angries from both sides! About what is essentially a non-issue that can be dealt with on a case by case basis. Somebody taking up too much space on public transport for whatever reason? Ask them to make room! If they don't, they're fucking assholes! But then I decided to also check out the thigh gap tag on Tumblr and was met with this:

Holy shit! I don't know if I'm in the mood to make snarky comments anymore!

That tag wasn't full of unintentional comedy at all. It was full of unintentional tragedy, I think. Now this is an issue! Most of you probably don't realize that society teaches women to have an unrealistic image of themselves. Yeah! It's true! Somebody should set about to fixing that or something because the thinspiration tag almost made me cry. And that means it affected me and when an issue affects a white cishet man manspreading all over his office chair, that's when it becomes a real issue! Although I suppose I could always heed Tumblr's warnings from now on and then the issue wouldn't affect me and it would have the same effect as if the problem had been solved! Right?

Actually, I don't tend to "manspread" in my office chair. I generally sit cross-legged or I squat on it. Or I'll kick my feet up on my comic book boxes (ankles crossed) and lean back. That's how I sit on buses. Most people don't know what to say when I tuck my feet into their lap to get comfortable, so they just kind of look the other way and ignore it.

Manspread just sounds like the most awful thing you can put on a sandwich. After mayonnaise.

Part of me just thinks I should delete everything I previously wrote because it comes across as facetious and insincere. Which is how it's meant to sound! Why can't I ever take anything seriously? Especially that thing about women and body image? But then I know I can't delete any of it because how else am I going to fill up this commentary? It certainly won't be by commenting on World's End #17 which I'm so totally avoiding reading by writing about all this other stuff.

I really, really dislike this comic book.

This issue begins with Replacement Batman shooting up Helena with Venom to shock her body back to life.

Fucking Power Girl. It's always about herself, isn't it? Screaming her own name when her friend is on the brink of death.

As Helena enjoys the Venom ride, Death delivers her Deathspawn of Apokolips. It's born fully formed with the ability to speak English which really helps to justify screaming, "Bring it down!" I mean, if it were just a mewling infant, Queen Lantern would look like a huge prick blasting it with his Green Lantern ring.

Azathoth continues to be alive after seemingly having died when The Blue broke down in baby tears and gave up on the fight to save the world. And Yolanda the Red Avatar continues to be missing in action after having arrived to not even save the day like she was supposed to. Have I been reading this series out of order?

The Deathspawn of Apokolips flees from the battle and heads into the Earth to devour the Parliament of Colors. Maybe Yolanda foresaw this move and she'll be ready to protect the tree with breasts and her friends.

Big Barda gathers up an army of Protofuries to go destroy the last of the humans.

Is anybody else tired of seeing Barda act like an evil jerko? Why the fuck did this even happen? Was it to surprise the audience with some kind of big twist? Because from the Earth-2 versions of Fury and Barda (as limited as Barda's role was in the series), the story would have made more sense to just leave Fury as the bad guy siding with Apokolips and to let Barda play the role of Earth sympathizer with Mister Miracle. Who decided it would make for a better story to have Barda be the betrayer?

Tornado Lane, Val-el, Power Girl, Hawkcop, and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick meet Big Barda at the entrance to Atom's Haven to engage in a mighty kerfuffle. It's probably super exciting if you're the half dozen people still interested in this comic book series.

I think somebody forgot, many issues ago, that Val-el is a pacifist.

Maybe punching Protofuries doesn't go against Val-el's pacifism. I mean, I'm a pacifist and I still punch dogs.

And then Kalibak crashes through a wall for some reason. Whatever.

World's End #17 Rating: -2 Ranking. I waste so much time while reading this comic book because I just know the story will hardly advance at all and I'll be left making the most boring comments on the most boringester comic book characters. Can Earth-2 just explode already? Please?

World's End #12

Look at all the creators! I guess we're back to ten different plot threads crammed into each issue.

Friends Update!

Last issue, Big Barda manipulated Mister Miracle into freeing Darkseid. I guess that explains why Scott Free and Fury are slightly annoyed at Big Barda over in Futures End.

I'm not sure if time in the dimension where New Genesis and Apokolips reside flows the same as in ours. Am I supposed to believe that Darkseid was so damaged by his fight with Earth-Main-Earth that he had to eat the heart of his own planet to feel better? And by eating that heart, he would become trapped in the Mobius Chamber for a few years? Or is he in the chamber to console himself after Batman pissed all over his turf? Also, Darkseid apparently made a deal with Highfather which gave the Earth-2 Universe to Darkseid to do with as he pleases if he'd just leave the other 51 Universes alone. So why the fuck is Highfather still so hot to defeat Darkseid over in the Godhead crisis? Maybe the Anti-Monitor should show up already and just wipe the Apokolips Dimension off the face of everything.

This issue begins with everybody on Apokolips kissing Darkseid's ass and polishing his throne and pretending that they weren't all happy that he'd been out of the picture.

This entire story so far has given Apokolips the reputation for being a fragile planet that can barely sustain itself without feeding on hope and the hearts and minds of millions of innocents. Is that why it's called the "God planet"?

Down in the firepits of Geneva, Power Girl and Huntress depict that scene where one friend has gone evil or rabid and the other friend is all, "I know my friend is still in there! All you need are hugs and positive affirmations!" And the other friend is all, "Hiss! Spit! I am the devil's pincushion! Blarg!" And the other friend is all, "No! No! I know you can hear me! I love you and you love me! Fight against the evil! Fight!" And the other friend is all, "Fri...fri...fri...NO! RAWR! I'M EVIL NOW!" And then the evil friend runs away because love is so strong that they must flee or else be turned back to good! I like when that scene was an entire book about a rabid dog and then it ended with the acknowledgment that the dog had always tried to be good and never wanted to kill anybody but what could he do, having been stricken by fate or destiny or possibly just a degenerative nerve disease called rabies? Trying to hug it out with that dog was a mistake! Love isn't as powerful as those musicians on that funky submarine would lead you to believe.

People are being betrayed by their friends all over the place! That's probably why this issue was called "Betrayal."

"By the way, I have Scoliosis."

Over in Chicago, Dick Grayson is acting just like Dick Grayson would act. He gave his son to Constantine so his son could get to safety while he remained in the path of a tidal wave to murder the man that shot Barbara Grayson. And after that was done, he just stands there waiting to be washed away. Earth-2 Dick Grayson has completely captured the spirit of what makes Dick Grayson such a great character! Weakness, defeatism, violence! It's all here!

More betrayal when Commander Khan discovers that Terry Sloan planted a bomb aboard their spaceship. Granted, that betrayal was entirely expected. It's why Khan searched the entire ship until he found the hidden bomb that he just knew Sloan would have planted. They then punch each other in the face a bunch of times until the scene shifts.

Earthlings begin evacuating into the Project Beyond tunnels under the United States but even those, as The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick discovers, are full of Apokoliptians.

And lastly, The Avatars of the Earth continue to battle the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips. I mean three. Although The Huntress joins up with them because nobody quakes in their boots about the mention of the Three Horsewomen of Apokolips. They just look around with an awkward smile thinking, "Are you having a laugh? Are you taking the piss?"

World's End #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. Still too much going on. They're trying to pack too much into each two or three pages allotted to each plot thread. This winds up creating a bunch of snapshots that have no emotional impact at all. And most of the plot threads simply kind of cancel each other out. Who cares about the Avatars defeating the Four Horsewomen if the Earth is destroyed by a rain of moon debris and floods anyway? Who cares if Dick Grayson survives while billions of other people die? Did this story really need to be told? Instead of giving us a rushed, half-assed version of the final days of Earth-2, wouldn't it have been better to just keep everything vague, filling in small moments with stories from those heroes who survived the war? Anyway, this was my favorite moment so far:

Really? Honestly? Only minutes left? Hallelujah!

FRIENDS UPDATE!
With the third episode, the series can begin to get into the real meat of the profound themes the show is best remembered for. We've gotten to the heart of each of the characters and now we understand them just enough to follow them on their dark journeys. The third episode concentrates mainly on three of the six friends. First off, we have Chandler resurrecting an old habit, the vice of smoking which disgusts his friends. Here we find out that Chandler is not so above it all as we once thought; he is not our joke spewing friend we met two episodes ago. Here is the demon version of Chandler, Chandler That Was, the one only hinted at by his incessant need to keep his distance from the others. This is man that will do whatever he can to get whatever he wants. At one point, he spews venom into the caring faces of his friends and they all turn on each other as he happily goes about his smoking in peace. Here is a grumpy, mean-spirited, beaten down man that cares more about his cigarettes than his friends. Who is the smoking Chandler? What secrets does his impish face and sarcastic demeanor hide? We only get hints to his darkness in this episode, but it is enough to make us wonder: will he someday do violence to one of the other friends?

Second, we see Phoebe dealing with the fear of adulthood through her superstitions and conspiracy-minded beliefs. Modern day has allowed people to live a near decade in a transitory place between childhood and adulthood. This is probably the main thrust of the series which people remember fondly because they were too mired in self-denial to understand the nefarious message the show was trying to get across. This strange limbo allowed by modern day luxury is not a place of fun time jokey friendship hangouts in coffee shops. It is full of fear of the unknown, the loss of the comforting safety of home, the terrifying and dizzying struggle to maintain balance on the precipice of adulthood as one watches all of their innocent, childhood things recede into the past. This is a scary place to be. And it hits Phoebe full force when she suddenly finds her bank has made an error in her favor and deposited five hundred dollars into her account. Five hundred dollars! That's adult money! She panics because, in Phoebe's world view which makes this entire scenario more palatable to an audience expecting jokes and whimsy, Phoebe believes that the Karmic debt of this windfall will destroy her life. And no matter what she does to remove this debt and allow her to wallow in the peace of near-adult limbo, she continues to gain more and more money. Eventually she finds a thumb in a soda can which only results in a payout by the soda company in the amount of seven thousand dollars. She rids herself of this money by giving it to Chandler so that he'll quit smoking. He accepts and in this moment, we see that Chandler, more than the others, already has one foot in the adult world. Perhaps his previous demons have caused him to grow up too fast, or perhaps they have allowed him to see money as a panacea, to accept the world for what it is. He is the least ready to deny the transition.

Speaking of characters having a foot in the adult world, the literal potato sack Ross might seem to be the most adult in that he is married (currently separated from his partner) and has a degree in dinosaurs and a real job at a museum. But this adult life he entered too soon, and as the show begins, it is all falling apart around him.

The final story revolves around Monica's boyfriend who is a father figure to the entire group. We see in their admiration and love for this man a group of people completely devoid of strong fathers in their lives. The only person not completely charmed by this man is Monica. But that makes sense because once she realizes she is dating a father figure, the relationship loses its sexual allure. She must abandon this man and thus the hearts of all of her friends are broken once more by an untimely loss of dad. The episode ends with everybody losing themselves in gallons of ice cream as they deny the despair and heartbreak and the loss which life has heaped upon them year after year. They are in a dark place but they are together, and they have each other, and thus the title of the series becomes doubly important in that they are all they have to cling to in a world that offers nothing but pain and loss.

World's End #11

Sonnet #WE11: "Father's Day"

Visage of stone which taught me how to act,
Ignoring all that I desired to be.
Imagination rectified to fact.
A miracle turned into pure fury.

A dream of God, a father far away,
Reminded me that I was not of stone
Nor flesh nor blood but love and spirit made,
Which merely left me feeling more alone.

Each voice commanded me to be like him.
And though a moth attracted to each flame,
I could not bow to each and every whim,
So chose escape and neither of their game.

And so a voice I'd known yet hardly heard
Whispered, "God and Father are both absurd."

World's End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets that ranking mostly because it was one full story instead of thirty different plot threads! And I apologize, after the fact, on some of my line stresses. But fuck it! It's 400 years after Shakespeare and even he didn't pay perfect fealty to the iambic pentameter over the message or the words he wanted to use. Besides, I only spent about forty minutes on this (including the reading and coming up with a theme and sorting the thoughts of each stanza and, well, you know...the words and syllables are the easy part!).

World's End #9

I wish Mister Miracle would get some fucking characterization. Stop resting on your Preboot laurels! Who are you in The New 52? What motivates you? Are you fucking both Fury and Barda, you dog?!

Normally I'd use this first paragraph to speculate on the mating habits of the Chupacabra, but I just need to get through another World's End comic book as fast as I can. Besides, everybody already knows about Chupacabra's bedroom style.

Instead of reading this comic, I decided to draw another Pickle Boy Comic. Those are comics written by my assistant Pickle Boy which I draw. They were intended to give him a creative outlet while he crunches numbers at work, and for me to practice drawing.

As you can see, neither of us is very good at his half of the job.

The great thing about this Pickle Boy Comic is that everybody can relate to it.

Meanwhile in World's End where I'm not too sure the writers and artists are terribly better than me and Pickle Boy, the Avatar of the Blue has just been released into the world by Aquawoman.

It's a Great Old One, by the way. So forget about Apokolips. Least of everybody's worries now. Okay, technically figuring out what to wear is probably the least of everybody's worries.

World's End is becoming a game of Magic the Gathering. You have all the colors and then Apokolips is the artifacts. The non-Avatar superheroes are probably just colorless Legendary creatures. And it's at that point of the game where everybody dicked around too long and allowed blue to summon it's monstrously huge creature.

John Constantine and his crew have made it to Chicago and are sitting back watching the whole place break out into a huge riot. Since Barbara is back out from underneath the piece of the moon, I guess Earth 2 #29 happened before this.

I hope she gained invulnerability from the moon radiation!

Beneath Geneva, Replacement Batman and his group stumble upon Kal-el. Lois and Power Girl celebrate while Val-el slinks off into the shadows because that's where suddenly useless and entirely obsolete things should be. But there's a glimmer of hope after Replacement Batman punches Kal-el in the nose and it begins bleeding. Lois says, "Kal, you're really...oh, god, Kal, you're bleeding?!" And then Val-el rushes back to the group and says, "Oh! That's too bad! I'm so sorry about that! You poor thing! Can I get you a hanky? Man, this sucks! So terrible that you've lost your powers. Shoot! Who's going to be the world's savior now? Hunh? Anybody? Can anybody think of anyone that might be strong enough to save the world?"

Remember last issue how Hawkcop turned on The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and his mother? It was a huge cliffhanger and everybody who read it said, "GASP!" Well, that's resolved when Doctor Cocoa Puffs and his best friend Jiminy Olsen arrive to cast a spell of Don't Be Mad, Bro. I wish the pages taken up by the fake tension would be used for characters interacting so maybe I can find a reason to like some of them. The only character that does anything worthwhile (although trite and cliche) in this scene is The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick's mother/girlfriend when she tries to break Hawkcop's brainwashing by talking about love. Stupid Streak-mom! Hawks and cops don't know what love and kindness are!

Up on Apokolips, the Mister Squad's plan begins to fall apart as the New Gods forget to plant their nuke because they have a score to settle with some guy named Paternus. He has a key that will allow Mister Miracle to open the Heart of Apokolips where he can slip inside for a quick DNA test to find out if Darkseid is his father. And since it was mentioned in Futures End that Barda betrayed Mister Miracle and Fury, Barda has to say something ominous.

World's End #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. There's too much going on in this comic book and none of it feels like it really matters. It's just a bunch of escalating conflicts that will eventually end in the destruction of Earth-2. Plus the cover once again got ahead of itself. Somebody needs to recalibrate the timing of the covers on these weekly comic books!