Tangent Comics: Nightwing #1 (December 1997)

Did this cover take place in the back of a moving U-haul?

Nightwing #1 (October 1, 1997)
By John Ostrander, Jan Duursema, Gloria Vasquez, and Dave Lanphear
Cover by Jan Duursema
Edited by Frank Berrios, Dana Kurtin, and Eddie Berganza

The moving U-haul theory is the only acceptable reason I can come up with for this cover having all of the characters squished up against the right-hand side except for the one who looks like she's been thrown in that direction by the sudden turn made by the insane driver. The lines even indicate swift movement in that direction. They are a covert organization so maybe in the back of a U-haul is how they get to all of their secret missions? Also the font for the title is fucking ridiculous. It's like somebody dipped their cock in a can of paint and slapped their penis against the wall to make the letters. At least the team looks exciting! A werewolf! A goblin with a magnifying glass! A man who chokes snakes so rat carcasses shoot out of their mouth at people. A woman with tits. The Black guy.

The most exciting part of this cover and the reason I purchased it was this part: John Ostrander. Some people might be thinking, "Like the name of that building in the background of the shitty Suicide Squad movie?" But, I mean, yeah! That guy! He made the Suicide Squad interesting! Plus he, along with his wife Kim Yale (and maybe it was mostly her? Was she the brains behind all of his pre-1997 work (because she died that year. If she was the brains behind his post-1997 work, I would like to hear that story because I don't believe in an afterlife but I'd like to? Please? I don't want to stop existing!)), created Oracle! But, um, yeah. It was the 1988 incarnation of Suicide Squad that made me forever love John Ostrander even if I don't really remember reading much of his work past that. I think he did a run of The Spectre that I collected? But that I don't remember too well? Except that the first issue had a glow-in-the-dark cover! Oh, and he also wrote Gotham Nights!

My local comic book store is having a 50% off sale this weekend so I'm going to go buy more Tangent Comics today! Yay! I get to read more dreck! My brain hates me!

This is the first panel of this issue.

I decided on an explanatory caption instead of a stupid one because there's a lot to process in that first panel. Unless there's only one thing to process in that panel and it's that the fascist cops are named "FIST" and they're chasing a young woman with a smoking bod. Do the kids still say "smoking bod"? Or do they say something I wouldn't understand at all? Something like "Her floobs are smackdacking my powerwasher." "Floobs" are not what you think they are, you pervert. They're her buttcheeks.

See? There wasn't a lot going on, I guess, because I stopped talking about the first panel after the FIST thing. I suppose the other thing I wanted to mention is that Jan Duursema seems to be channeling a modern style for 1997. Kind of an Image thing. Did she always draw like that? Even before 1997, I know I'd read a number of comics with her art. Like her work on DC Challenge. Or The Outsiders. Or, um, Batman and the Outsiders. Or Eclipso. Or Justice League Quarterly. And I don't remember this style. This woman looks bit Gen-13ish. Except less naked.

Oh! I probably also wanted to point out B'wanna Beast's Cookies. They sound delicious! Also, I recognize that name!

On the next page, this Gen-13 style lass suddenly looks like John Romita Jr drew her ass. And by "ass" I mean "face".

Were there secret sneaky uncredited inkers on this issue?!

The only problem with the "Did John Romita Jr do a sneaky ink on this panel?" is that the gun looks too fucking normal for a John Romita Jr gun. But then maybe he can ink a gun without turning it into some weird flat square gun that looks more like a box a gun would come in than a firearm.

Although on a second look, maybe that gun is kind of John Romita Jrish?!

FIST stands for "FIreStormTroopers" (all one word, I guess?) which seems weird because Martin Stein became Firestorm the Nuclear Submarine in this world. Why would a whole fascist military organization name themselves after some pervert professor whose big dream was to be one with a submarine? And why do they have Boom Tube guns? This is only the second Tangent comic book I've read and I'm beginning to suspect that they did less world building in this than in The New 52. Which is disgraceful, really!

This woman whose name is Nikki Faure and who stole something from FIST is rescued by the Black guy member of Nightwing. I guess even though they're so top secret that even the president (Richard Nixon) doesn't know about them, the rank and file members of FIST know about them. Or maybe I'm getting the incredible world-building in these Tangent Comics mixed up because I'm an idiot. This is 1997 which is decades after Nightwing was exposed and purportedly shut down after causing a huge scandal in Nixon's presidency which led to his downfall. So now that everybody knows Nightwing no longer exists, they can go about their business existing and still bossing around all the other fascist cops.

Oh shit! I just realized I'm crapping on John Ostrander's writing! I didn't mean to do that! I'm so sorry! I am now absolutely certain that I don't understand what's going on in this comic book because I'm an idiot!

Does anybody still work for Nightwing? Are they all rogue agents now?

We met Black Orchid in The Superman #1 and she was a rogue agent who used to work for Nightwing. Now we've got Gravedigger and Wildcat (that's Nikki Faure! The werewolf from the cover!) who've abandoned the organization too. When Gravedigger says "Shazam", Nikki wolfs out. Or cats out, I guess. When he says it a second time, she turns into a naked lady. Man, I wish I had that super power! I mean the one where I say a word twice and a lady winds up naked and not the power that Nikki has where some other dude says the word twice and she winds up naked. That sounds like a terrible super power.

I thought she'd be hotter as a cat because she should have more boobs. But somehow she has less.

Wildcat stole some codes from FIST so the rogue Nightwing agents can break into some thing they're not supposed to break into. And that's the end of scene one!

Scene Two begins with Snakechoker speaking with his Skeets who is actually named Nightshade. Snakechoker seems like a cross between Booster Gold and Gambit but since Gambit is a Marvel character, he's probably just the Tangent version of Booster Gold. Especially since on the credits page was this note: Tangent Based On Concepts by Dan Jurgens.

Snakechoker's actual name is Hex but I'm going to forget that immediately because he doesn't remind me of Jonah Hex at all. He's way more Booster Gold what with his own personal Skeets and the way he thinks he's so super fucking cool. Also he knows magic and Jonah Hex doesn't know magic. Booster Gold is from the future with technology that seems like magic so that's a much closer fit! Maybe nobody even realized that naming a magic guy Hex would confuse idiotic comic book readers like me who constantly jerk it over Jonah Hex.

Maybe he's just a grown up version of Klarion the Witch Boy and Nightshade is his Teekl?

So those two guys trying to capture Hex are still active Nightwing agents. But they're not super or cool so nobody cares. Hex refers to them as M.I.B.s so I guess they're Tangent's version of Men in Black. Although they don't look like Alex Trebek and Jesse the Body Ventura. I mean Will Smith and the old white guy. Old what's his name. You know. The guy who was in The Fugitive! Yeah! Him!

Although on a second look, one of them does kind of look like Jesse Ventura.

I don't want to totally shit on Ostrander's writing in this thing but remember how I shit on Mark Millar's writing? And even though that's the norm for me writing about a Millar book, I didn't blame Millar at all for his boring story about Tangent Superman. So I probably shouldn't blame Ostrander for the following page for that reason and also for another reason: Ostrander was already mourning his wife when he wrote this! I'm sure he gave less than two shits about it! And even if he wrote it earlier in the year, or sometime in 1996 (being that comics don't just spontaneously appear as soon as they're written), he would have been going through a fucking hell of a lot during that time! So just try to remember that when you read the following page and it causes you to wonder why sentience even came to exist on this planet.

Was it for this? Was sentience created to put pen to paper to write "Why is Hex so much cooler than I am?" and "I was born that way!"?

The next time somebody tries to debate me about Intelligent Design, I'm just going to show them this panel and say, "This is what God created? Creatures that would write this? And creatures that would accept this as the final script? And creatures that would buy it? And creatures who would actually enjoy it?! If I were God and I saw my creations do this and some of them enjoy this, I would fucking stick my arm in a black hole and do myself like that guard in Firestarter or the P.G.O.A.T.'s mother in Infinite Jest!"

Although I'm sure God-lovers would just fart out their usual argument, "BLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT psssssss Free Will! floop." But even that answer, if I were God, would have me looking for the nearest black hole. Because why did I give these idiotic creatures free will if they were going to come up with embarrassing shit like this?!

Also why doesn't Snakechoker's guns look like snakes?! I'm so confused!

Hex notes that The Creeper seems to be in command of Nightwing cause The Creeper Rogue Nightwing's target. They need Black Orchid for the next step of the mission of the woman with tits is busy kicking guns out of men's hands while showing a ton of cleavage to distract from her flat ass.

Why is this guy looking directly into her sex orifice?

I should probably try to be more specific because isn't every orifice a possible sex orifice?

I guess he was just looking at where he was aiming. Yowch!

Black Orchid's powers are tantric in nature which must be why they're trying to shoot her in the pussy. After she uses up a bunch of her power to restrain all the bad guys, she zips down the front of her bodysuit so she can regain some power either through fucking everybody in the room or just rubbing one out. She makes it clear that she's about to do something sexual in nature but she's interrupted by a call from Gravedigger. So instead of doing some long-winded sexy tantric mumbo-jumbo, she has to have a quickie before heading out.

Is this the normal reaction to being fucked by a beautiful woman?!

Black Orchid loses most of her sex appeal in the next scene because it turns out she's Hex's lover. Ugh. She fell for that whole "I'm so cool!" schtick?!

A lot of the art in this issue just feels like Image shit from the '90s. I'm sure it was so popular it influenced a lot of artists to try their hand at the style.

I think she needs to eat more men during sex.


This looks like every man drawn by an artist at Image in 1993.


I actually really like this panel! See? I can be positive!

Those first two panels really look like Jan was parodying the Image style more than cribbing it. Maybe I should just choose to believe she was mocking it? That makes me feel much better! Especially when I like that third panel so much! Plus notice how in that 3rd panel, her eyes are symmetrical? No Image artist in 1993 could pull off symmetrical eyes! It's why they always had hair hiding one eye or one eye was under an eyepatch or one eye was a cybernetic implant.

Gravedigger and Wildcat arrive to explain the plan to bring down Nightwing. He says the organization relies on secrecy but, I mean, those FIST guys knew all about them? And they just seem like rent-a-cops even if they are the government's fascist military arm. You wouldn't tell some motorcycle riding cop about the most secretest of secret organizations and just trust that he won't tell anybody. How do you keep anything secret when you've told cops?!

Anyway, the plan is to tell a powerful person about Nightwing and then he'll bring Nightwing down. My guess is that powerful person is The Superman. And guess what? He does bring them down! Did I read these in the wrong order?! Probably since The Superman came out in September of 1998! Well now I have a whole bunch of other Tangent Comics to read out of order because I picked some up for $1.50 a piece today!

Turns out the goblin on the front is The Creeper and he seems to run a ring of necromancers who control the leader of Nightwing. The leader of Nightwing is an ex-Metal Man named Moore. I'll be reading the Metal Men comic soon! Also I think The Joker works for Nightwing secretly. But I didn't get The Joker's Tangent Comic because they didn't have it. They did have the entire 12 issue run of The Superman's Reign! But I didn't feel like spending $18 on that. Maybe later?

The Creeper gets high on people's souls.

I guess I was confused at the timeline and was right the first time when it was weird that FIST knew about Nightwing. Because the powerful person that Gravedigger is going to tell about Nightwing is Richard Nixon! So I guess the downfall of Nightwing happens way more recently than I realized before The Superman's whole story.

Moore, the guy with the metal plate in his head, tells The Creeper that they have an informant working within Gravedigger's rogue organization. My guess is it's either Hex or Nightshade even if it turns out to be Gravedigger and his little rebel group actually still works for Nightwing's leader who is the actual leader of the rebel group bringing down Nightwing. Yeah, it's confusing! The Creeper decides the way to stop Gravedigger from destroying Nightwing is to suck Richard Nixon's soul. So he lopes off down his slimy escape tunnel to go suck some Dick. Meanwhile, Gravedigger's group have to break into the White House to tell Nixon their secret. Don't they have phones in the Tangent Universe?

Black Orchid enters Nixon's head to tell him about Nightwing. But how much is he going to remember after he wakes up covered in his own semen? She does explain how it all works and how FIST actually works for Nightwing which is why they know about them. You'd think they'd be more covert about it though. You know, let the FIST soldiers believe they were working for the government while pulling their strings in secret. Instead they're constantly butting in and flashing their Nightwing badges to the FIST foot soldiers. But Black Orchid has a reason how the secret stays secret even still: magic! Oh, yeah! Duh! Why am I always so critical about comic books when they're full of comic book shit?!

See? Total wet dream time. I think I just had a wet dream while awake!

I know the president doesn't look like Richard Nixon but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be him!

The Creeper climbs out of his tunnel right in the president's bedroom and stabs Black Orchid in the back before Richard Nixon comes in his pajamas. Man, I hate when I wake up on the verge of having sex in a dream! It might be the main thing that pisses me off about life! At least let me fucking orgasm in my pants!

True story: I once had a sex dream where I was fucking a vampire lady. I was holding her down as the sun was rising as I was fucking her. I don't remember if she turned into ash as I came or if she turned into ash and kept me from completing the wet dream. The fact that I remember the dream so vividly makes me think it was a successful wet dream because I tend to remember my wet dreams forever! I still remember my first one!

Anyway, The Creeper is stopped and Gravedigger turns up to use The Creeper's soul stealing bong to steal The Creeper's soul. Which was the plan all along! Because Gravedigger works for Moore and Nightwing still! He's the informant! What a twist!

The Ranking!
You know what? By the end of the issue, it didn't turn out to be so bad! It sort of all came together and that isn't a pun on Dick Nixon coming in his PJs. More characters should have tantric magic powers and also DC should have more Mature Titles and also maybe I should just be buying pornography?

Teen Titans Spotlight #14: Nightwing

So that's why I finally dropped this series: they dropped the "on:".

Obviously I didn't drop this comic book because they dropped the "on:". The first thing I did was rename this comic book so I didn't have to include that stupid shit in the title! But then I was a different person thirty years ago. Maybe thirty years ago, I couldn't abide having a comic book change its title in the middle of its run. No, no. I already disproved that when I bought fifty more issues of The New Teen Titans after it changed its name to The New Titans. Maybe dropping this series after the Nightwing issue is simply proof that I fucking couldn't stand Nightwing for the first forty years of my life (granted I wasn't really reading comic books throughout my thirties. I took a break after Cerebus ended, continuing only by reading collected editions of Fables and The Walking Dead. I restarted again when I turned forty because I hate myself.

That probably sounds like a slam against comic books and it is but in my defense, have you read most comic books? They're fucking garbage. I don't know why so many people are trashing their reputations to join a shadowy white supremacist comic book movement that touts to make comics great again when the majority of comics never were great. I understand that I'm a forty-seven year old cynical jerk who's unwilling to continue to see comics in the same way I did when I was younger. But that's my prerogative, right?! Yes, I loved comic books growing up. I remember a lot of comic books fondly. But I can also admit, upon rereading comic books that helped shape the person bashing comic books that I am today, that a lot of those comic books don't hold up now and they didn't hold up then and only my naive innocent stupidity made them seem as great and inspiring as they were. Sure there were great artists and writers who invented an entire art that captured the imagination of generations of kids! But those people are easier to panegyrize in general terms. Kirby created vast vistas and engaging worlds. Stan Lee brought to life dozens of characters that would remain popular across multiple generations. Neal Adams wrote stark and realistic accounts of daily life but didn't know when to quit. Grant Morrison did something with some Baker and everybody shit their pants or something. Whoops! I started getting too into the particulars there! Anyway, great artists and great writers have simply made it easier to defend all the shit creators who fill the rank and file comic book jobs needed to keep the cash coming in. And yet even the Lobdells and Nocentis have their place because a lot of naive innocent stupid people, like I once was, will always be around to love Jason Todd or Green Arrow or Katana or Arsenal or Catwoman, no matter how fucking terribly they're actually being written.

All of that really doesn't say as much about comics as some people getting ready to send me a expletive-filled response might think. That simply says a lot about me! Why then, if that's my attitude, am I willing to reread all of the comic books in my collection from the last forty years? What kind of a sick, perverse self-hater am I?! Why would I waste my final years of this short and finite life doing this to myself? Come on! That's easy to answer! It's fun! I love writing and I love thinking thoughts and I love putting them on the Internet for sixteen people to enjoy! Oh, sure, I have over a thousand followers on Tumblr but I'm fairly certain most of those accounts were deactivated when Tumblr stopped allowing titties.

You might have forgotten that the biggest gang in Gotham in 1987 were the Jewish Surrealists.

I don't even care how many people don't know what the fuck I'm on about. Did you know this world is on fire?

Batman is busting a cocaine shipment into Gotham in the prologue of this comic book. According to the cover, he's about to be crucified. I guess the Jewish Surrealists are still micro-managed by Caesar's Hand.

Speaking of unbelievable things in comics (this segue works because I believe I was speaking about it fifteen hundred commentaries ago when Nightwing drove a motorcycle up the wall of a building), how does Batman always wind up unconscious and in some form of complicated trap and yet, in all the time it takes to put him there, nobody ever takes the mask off. Not one henchman is curious? Not one henchman binding Batman to the cross ever thinks, "If I knew Batman's identity, I could quit this henchman gig, sell the information, and retire"? I don't believe it. My theory is that thousands of henchmen have tried this plan but Alfred intercepted all of the blackmail notices, hired Jason Bard to find who sent them, and then hired Tommy Monaghan to kill them.

I would just like it on the record that I spelled Tommy's last name correctly before looking it up.

The Jewish Surrealists capture Batman because they had a sniper with a tranquilizer gun on overwatch during the deal. Batman gets drugged, blackjacked, and spit upon before nobody thinks to take off his mask.

At least I hope that's spit.

I guess if that isn't spit, I now understand why nobody took his mask off.

"Are ya kiddin' me, Rudy?! Put yer fuckin' dick away and help me schlep this bastard into tha van! The boss can take tha fuckin' mask off. Ugh."

Alfred calls up Dick Grayson when Bruce doesn't show up for morning stitches. Dick sighs, hangs up the phone, and goes off to do a literally thankless job because Batman thinks expecting people to be there for him is the same thing as gratitude.

I hate complaining about the art because I never complain about the art. So when I finally complain about the art, that means I really fucking think the art sucks. And, well, I'm complaining about the art now.

"Fuck dinosaur references! I got this!" -- Stan Woch

This is some of Woch's earliest work with DC so I shouldn't be too hard on him. Plus he's still alive and he might read this. Although wouldn't it be worse if I were criticizing the work of a dead man? Also, he draws a pretty decent studio apartment and jizz dribble.

Nightwing heads off to save Batman even though he knows Batman doesn't need saving. If Batman seems to need saving, it's only because Batman misses Nightwing and this is the only way he can see him without admitting that he misses him. "Oh no!" says Batman as he tries to remember what it's like to feel sleepy from tranquilizers or to feel concussed from a blackjack to the back of the head. "My legs are all, um, wobbly? I'm, um, falling now, right? OH! I'm helpless! I just peed a little too!" Then he lets the bad guys kidnap him and waits for Alfred to worry way too soon and call for backup. And of course Batman would choose a night when Jason Todd is off in California and Superman is off on Oa and Wonder Woman has her anniversary dinner with Steve Trevor.

Oh, just because he's suddenly half-robot, I'm supposed to believe some high school football star can now design high tech contact lenses?! Fuck you, comic books.

Dick finds a vial of acid left behind as Batman as a clue to who murdered him. I mean kidnapped him, probably! Who would kill Batman when they had the chance? I mean if they actually had a chance and Batman wasn't completely faking and ready to start breaking kneecaps the second somebody tugs at his cowl or tries to put a bullet in his brain. Anyway, the acid vial reminds Dick of that one case which was the only one ever in which Batman used a vial of acid which leads him to Drakkar, a Gotham drug lord. This is less evidence that Batman was in trouble and realized Nightwing would come looking for him and more evidence that Batman wasn't in trouble at all and was expecting Nightwing to come looking for him because Batman misses him.

With all the Batman themed stuff in this picture, that marquee obviously says Debbie Does Batman.

Nightwing threatens to beat up some cowardly punk named Skates who Batman apparently beats up every time he needs information. And even though Skates always gives up the information, he somehow hasn't been killed by any other Gotham criminal. Skates tells Nightwing that Batman is going to be killed at midnight in the graveyard. It's going to be a huge party. But instead of thinking, "I'll go to the graveyard and stop this!", Dick wastes precious time tailing Skates hoping he'll lead him to Batman or Drakkar. When Nightwing loses him due to Nightwing's fandom crowding around him, Nightwing thinks, "Wait. What did Skates say? Oh yeah! He gave me everything I needed to know! But now it's so close to midnight, I might not make it in time! Shoot!"

Drakkar's plan is to auction off the right to unmask Batman and put a bullet in his brain. So, you know, almost the plan I proposed when they first knocked him unconscious! Stupid greedy thugs! Now Drakkar won't be rid of Batman or rich because Nightwing has found him! And he saves Batman in the nick of time! Time for hugs and demonstrations of familial love and intimacy!

Oh Batman!

Nightwing should know Batman cares because he didn't disappear the instant Nightwing looked away. Batman does smile at the end but not until Dick leaves. Only the reader gets to know Batman is capable of the tiniest bit of joy! And that joy probably wasn't due to Nightwing telling Batman that he's proud to have been Robin. The joy was probably in getting away with not thanking somebody for saving him yet again.

Teen Titans Spotlight #14: Nightwing Rating: C+. If I had written this issue, it would have been from Batman's point of view. And all along the way, Batman would be thinking things like, "I'll drop this acid vial which will remind Dick of the Great Dragon caper which will lead him to Drakkar and the subway graveyard where I'm certain Drakkar will take me to kill me!" Then Batman will think, "I bet Dick and Alfred are brainstorming how to find me right now!" And later, as the gun is being put to Batman's head, he'd be all, "The lights should go out just about now! Dick will save me in the nick of time which I'll totally razz him over. Should I say, 'Cutting it pretty close, Boy Wonder' or 'Jason would have been here five minutes sooner'?" Then the final panel of Batman's life will be a bullet passing through his head as he's unmasked. The final page would show Dick Grayson sitting in his apartment listening to Cat's in the Cradle with the phone off the hook.

Nightwing: The New Order #1

Where the hell has Kyle Higgins been? Writing for a better comic book company or playing too much Overwatch?

Everybody likes to think that they never let their emotions cloud their intellectual decisions. Obviously most people are wrong about this because most people aren't robots disguised as humans or cars or comic book bloggers. I've come up with a good test to know if you're one of those people who make bad decisions based on your stupid human feelings. Not a lot of people will get the chance to take this test unless MTV decides to pick it up and make it into a hidden camera show. Here's how it works. Most people have friends (I say most people because I post my commentaries on Tumblr as well as Blogger and I don't want anybody responding with "How dare erase people who don't like to make friends!" Although I suspect people who say things like that are just justifying the reason they have no friends because they say things like that) and they would do anything to defend their friends from physical assault. They've got their friend's back or whatever nomenclature the cool kids use. I would know but a cool kid has never once spoken to me. Anyway, most people (see previous parenthetical reference) also have that one friend who deserves to get punched because they're a provoking asshole. Now here's how you can tell if you're a reasonable person or not. If that asshole friend gets punched in the face by some stranger, do you get up and help them or do you shrug and continue your inane conversation about Joss Whedon (feminist or chronic virtue signaler? (that's your inane conversation and not mine. Remember that I'm a writer, dum-dum))? If you defend your friend even though you know they deserve it, you're the kind of person who would make excuses and apologize for a terribly stupid person in power (who I won't name because if your in the United Kingdom, that gives you an opportunity to think maybe I'm talking about one of your dumb people in power like May or Johnson or Farage (does he still have any power? It's hard to stay connected when all of your panel shows are on hiatus or unavailable on YouTube)). But if you let your friend take a punch or two (you can step in if it goes much further because, remember, you're supposed to be a reasonable person), it shows you are a perceptive and thoughtful person who is able to see all sides of an issue. Sometimes your asshole friend deserves to get punched in the face. Maybe they'll learn something.

I have a feeling that Nightwing might be punching some assholes in the face in this series. Although I'm also feeling a bit of trepidation about reading this book. I've had enough of comic book stories about groups of people who rally around a leader that wants to destroy a particular group of people simply because they're different. You might think I say that because I'm tired of the real world but I don't care about what's happening in the real world when I say that. I'm just sick of reading this story over and over again in my fucking comic books. Didn't the X-men say it well enough fifty years ago? Do we have to keep revisiting this shit? How about superhero comic books stop holding up a mirror to our real world prejudices just to show how one hero stands up for what's right and maybe show a whole world of people who choose to do what's right rather than acting like scared, idiotic children? How about being truly uplifting rather than depressing and, well, repetitive?

This issue begins with a scene from twelve years ago where Dick has murdered the Justice League and Doomsday and Captain Cold and Cheetah and, I think, Gorilla Grodd. I guess everybody with superpowers. I don't remember that happening twelve years ago so this comic book must take place in the future. Superman is all, "Dick! Why did you kill me and Hawkman? Well, I mean, I get why you killed Hawkman. What a provoking asshole! But why me?! I gave you your name, you ungrateful cocktease!" And Dick is all, "I had to save the world." That's really what he says in the comic book. The Superman stuff I mostly made up. Surprising, right?

So there you have it! A story about how normal people feel people with super powers are a threat to the world instead of a being the inspiration they were meant to be! It really is the worst take on the superhero genre. I don't want to be reminded that most people have negligible self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy so dense only Stephen Hawking could truly describe it to a layman.

The narrator mentions parents so the story will probably be told from Nightwing's kid's point of view, since this takes place in the future's future. Nightwing's kid is probably a closeted superhero who can't be their true self because their father is a fascist asshole. Why Nightwing, of all the heroes in the DC Universe, would become a person who thinks superheroes are dangerous, I have no idea. I'm sure I'll find out though if I keep reading! I bet he lost somebody he loved or at least respected as a father figure who couldn't quite give him the love he needed because he was aloof and dressed as a bat.

According to Nightwing's kid (who is almost certainly a lesbian. It's like those television court shows. If the judge is a white female, the bailiff must be a black man. So Nightwing has the hetero white male covered. That means his kid needs to be the opposite. Although is lesbian the opposite of that? Or is gay male the opposite? Maybe an asexual would be the opposite of Nightwing because I bet he gets so much pussy!), Nightwing saved the world in 2028. That means, according to my calculator (which is on my watch because I'm fancy), this story takes place in 2050. I mean 2040! Stupid fat fingers and tiny buttons.

Really, Nightwing? I figure we allow the people we care about the most to make their own decisions, even if we disagree? But then, that's just me. I guess in the eyes of The New Order, I'm just an apathetic apologist!

That quote will come back to haunt Nightwing because Nightwing's kid is going to be, "I really care about my dad! I care so much about him that I have to make the hard decision of punching him in the face while his friends stand by and think, 'Yeah. He deserved that.'" Basically in 2040, the pendulum has swung back and Dick Grayson is, once again, the worst character in the DC Universe. Marv Wolfman would be proud.

The story is about how good people can come to believe in terrible things. I'm pretty perceptive to have figured that out so quickly. Also the kid says, "Eventually, I learned how even good people can come to believe in really terrible things." It's kind of like that time I found out that my friend Doom Bunny liked Ally McBeal. I should have written a comic book about that.

In 2040, cities don't have police. They have Wings! It's not as delicious as it sounds unless you enjoy night sticks and super power suppressants.

He's talking about the original Dr. Light. Who cares about his light powers! Maybe worry more about keeping him away from kids?

After dealing with work and celebrity life and ignoring how he's become an asshole, Dick heads back home to Wayne Manor where Alfred is making dinner with his son Jake. I know Jake isn't a lesbian but that's because this is probably a red herring. There's no way a kid Jake's age develops the voice that the narrator is using. That kind of bitter disappointment in one's parents only really comes from an adult perspective (or late teen, most likely. Since she'll probably be leading the Teen Titans against this fascist police state Grayson has set up. I bet she's the child of Dick and Helena). Jake is like twelve.

See? Lesbian daughter! How dare you doubt a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader?

Since nobody says "daughter" or "sister" in the entire conversation (just the pronoun "she"), that bit is probably another red herring to make the reader think he's talking about Jake's mother and the voice is still Jake's. But I don't fall for red herrings! Herring is gross.

Alfred tries to point out that Richard is being an asshole. I would have said "being a dick" but he has that stupid name and it would have sounded like I was punning. But Dick is all, "I have to put people like Superman and Wonder Woman in stasis! It's the only way to make everybody safe! Safety first! Freedom worst!" But Alfred is all, "Bruce's death may have turned you into a fascist fuckmonster but I will never agree with you! Or respect you! Or make you waffles!"

Okay fine! I was wrong about the lesbian daughter! The narrator is Jake! It's just it's Jake from even further in the future than 2040. And his mother wasn't Helena because, apparently, she was hurt by Dick Grayson's anti-meta(l)-gene bomb that took away most of the powers. I guess she's the "she" he and Alfred were talking about. I'm not shocked that I was wrong. I'm just shocked that Kyle Higgins would give a white male superhero a white male son to rebel against him. What year is this? Nineteen-whitety-white?

Oh! I hope Jake's mother was Starfire! I mean, he's not brown and doesn't have green eyes or red hair and his boobs are pretty small. But maybe?!

I figured it out when I read the cover! Except for the lesbian daughter part. Based on DC's apparent mission statement, I should have known it was about a son dealing with his daddy issues.

So it turns out that in 2040, Jake gained super powers. That's why the narrator sounds like an adult because he's speaking from the future future's future. He probably, as I said earlier about the lesbian daughter who apparently doesn't exist (dammit), founded a new group of Teen Titans to bust his father's ass. I still don't know who Jake's mother is though. Jake's power manifests as red eyes that make red squiggly lines. So maybe Jake's mother was Darkseid? I mean Grail!

What Did We Learn?
I feel when I read something, I should learn something. And if I'm going to write about things and make stupid jokes (like the joke about how I thought Dick had a lesbian daughter which you totally fell for. As if I really thought something that was eventually proven to be wrong. Ha ha! You're so gullible! Also credulous! And naive!), I should probably walk away a little wiser than I began. It's tough to learn things from every issue of a comic book you read though because the story takes a few issues to finish. How am I supposed to know the lesson I should learn after just the first issue? Well, that's another benefit of comics! They really fucking telegraph where they're going. Maybe it's because we, the audience, are idiots and they don't want to lose any of us. Or maybe it's just that no matter how hard comic book writers try to make a good book, an editor will walk over and stick a dick in their notepad and be all, "Write it this way, dum-dum!" Anyway, here's what we're going to learn from this title (I'm telling you so you can save twenty bucks): prejudice cannot survive in the face of love of family! Dick might feel a little bit bad that he's hurting people with his terrible laws but he won't really understand how badly he's harming them until he has to punish his own son for simply being who he is. At the end of the book, Dick's son apologizes to Dick for having superpowers. See? Dick should already feel awful that he caused his son to feel shame simply for being who he is! Dick will try to get his son to go on the inhibitor medication but his son will rebel. They'll battle in the good ole Oedipal way which will end in the collapse of Dick's police state and the freedom of everybody! But Dick will not be allowed to live after this transgression. He'll die in his son's arms as he repents his sins. Also Jake's mother will appear at some point and hug Jake.

Nightwing #21

Why isn't Seeley's name on the cover? What is happening?!

• Nightwing begins this comic by making an observation that crime takes place in Metropolis around lunchtime and crime takes place in Gotham around midnight. That must be because criminals are stupid. If you want to avoid Batman, do crime during the day! If you want to avoid Superman, do crime at night! What is wrong with these people? Unless, of course, what Nightwing is really observing is that Superman fights crime during the day and Batman fights crime at night. During the day in Gotham, criminals get away with their crimes and nobody notices because Batman is sleeping. The opposite is true of Metropolis. So what Nightwing is really observing is that he's bad at science and drawing conclusions.

• Nightwing also concludes that crime takes place in Blüdhaven at about twilight because that's when he goes out to stop crime. Nightwing might suck at scientific experiments but he's an expert at tautologies.

Dude, you're not Robin anymore. That line doesn't work.

• Nightwing stops the mugging but the woman being mugged decides to murder the mugger. Luckily for Nightwing, The Flash (Wally West Version (ginger Wally West version)) arrives to scoop the bullet out of the air. I say luckily for Nightwing because if this mugger were killed, his family would wind up blaming Nightwing. Then they'd have to become super villains to destroy him for killing their loved one. Not that he killed the guy or could even be blamed. But comic books have a different set of ethical parameters than reality. Not that reality's are much better.

• Wally has come to town to find a friend. He's bored because nobody wants to hang out with him. I get that. He's annoying just at normal speeds.

• Nightwing uses the line "Let's not and say we did." I've never liked that expression. It doesn't really make much sense. If you don't want to do something, why would you want to go around later proclaiming that you did? I've never asked somebody to fuck me where they responded "Let's not and say we did." Although they have said the opposite of that. I totally understand that version! "Let's do this thing that is completely embarrassing and later not admit to having done it." But in Nightwing's case, Flash suggests calling the new villain they're tracking The Skipper. Nightwing is all, "Let's not call him that and say that we did." Well, isn't that exactly the same as calling him that?

• Nightwing and Flash catch up with the newbie super villain. He uses the word "ridic." I hope they accidentally kill him.

• The Flash can't stop The Skipper because The Skipper can pause time. But he does have to push a button to pause time. Which means The Flash should be able to stop him before he can pause time. Because, you know, The Flash has that super speed thing. But apparently this kid's index finger has super speed too. Even if The Skipper simply needed to think about pausing time to pause time, The Flash should still be able to defeat him. Because the idiot keeps talking. As soon as he begins saying anything, The Flash could punch him in the face and kill him. I mean knock him out. Easily before the kid could think to pause time.

• So, anyway, they, um, you know, beat the guy in the end. It's all very satisfying and shit. I guess. Whatever.

• In the epilogue, Tiger Shark returns to take over Blüdhaven! I'm not sure that really deserved an exclamation point but I felt something needed to feel exciting about this issue.

Nightwing #20

Accessory to murder!

The Review!
Lately, it's like Tim Seeley is reading my mind. This story — hell, the basic story of Dick Grayson since time began, I suppose — refuses to take part in the typical DC Narrative where pain and loss and Daddy Issues are the things that create heroes.

I was surprised to find that Dick Grayson quickly became my favorite hero of The New 52 and beyond. It took me awhile to realize why I shouldn't have been surprised at all.

I can be completely and utterly cynical in nearly every aspect of my life. I don't have an earnest bone in my body (hee hee! I said "a bone in my body"!). But comic books seem to be the one place where I don't want to see cynicism. I don't want to read postmodern takes on the genre. I don't want to see hot takes on how superheroes fit into our modern world. I just want to read stories about good and noble people doing the right thing no matter how hard that thing is. I want to see Superman deescalating violent situations because what does he have to fear physically? I want Batman to care about the lives of the people of Gotham more than he obsesses over the identity of The Joker. I want to see Nightwing...well, you know what? I'm seeing Nightwing do what I want to see Nightwing do. It's why he quickly became my favorite character. Because he's not a hero born of tragedy (even if he literally was!). His origin story wasn't that his parents were murdered by some criminal. His origin story was that there was hope and love and kindness ready to catch him in its safety net after the tragedy happened. He wasn't formed out of vengeance or justice or revenge. He was formed when Bruce Wayne took him under his wing and told him everything would be okay. Dick Grayson was born of optimism and kindness and hope and joy. I might be a cynical bastard but that is the character I want to read about in my comic books.

The reason I was so surprised that Dick Grayson became my favorite character though is that I couldn't fucking stand him for years. Anybody who read nearly a decade of his characterization by Marv Wolfman can absolutely understand why. He had some really insecure moments with his relationship with Batman in those years. What a fucking tool.

One of the things I loved seeing in The New 52 was how Batman treated Nightwing with respect and as an equal peer. He doesn't even treat Superman that way! I missed the years that Dick served as Batman with Damian as his Robin so I've only seen how their relationship formed through The New 52. This issue reminds me of the other side of Nightwing. He has both the respect and love of the older generation as well as the future generation. He is the hero previous heroes wanted to inspire. And he is the hero future heroes will try to emulate. Without Dick Grayson in his life, there's no telling how much of a horrible bastard Damian would be. I mean horribler bastard.

Anyway, Doctor Hurt dies again at the end of this story, killed by Deathwing as he himself kills Deathwing. But before he dies (killed by the blade that shows people multiverses, so maybe not totally dead but multiversed?), he explains to Nightwing that he, the embodiment of evil, saw something that scared him so much that the only thing he could think of doing was to make Nightwing, the most heroic of DC's heroes, as strong as he possibly could. Because only Nightwing can face The Watchmen, I suppose.

The Ranking!
+1!

Nightwing #19

This month: Nightwing takes over on drums for Styx on their revival tour and Damian Wayne trips!

The Review!
If you're into naked man ass, you'll love page two of this comic book! If you're also into huge birds of prey, you'll fucking ruin your underwear over page two of this comic book! So good!

Nightwing battles Deathwing in this issue while saying all of the things that I just said about what's wrong with superheroes in my commentary on Justice League #19. Defacer also says some good stuff. They're standing up for heroes being heroes. Sure, Simon Hurt is targeting Nightwing personally which is the main thing I hate about the state of comic book stories. But it's okay sometimes if the writer has a story to tell. And the story here is that Dr. Simon Hurt wants to ruin the purest super hero DC Comics currently has. He wants to take away everything that makes Dick Grayson better than Batman, better than Superman even. He wants to hurt him and take away his humanity and his kindness and his optimism. Dr. Simon Hurt thinks he can make Dick better by making him a weapon devoid of his human side. He sees the human aspect of Dick Grayson as being weak. But it's the strongest part of him.

Don't worry, people into naked woman ass! This comic has something for you too!

I haven't really discussed Deathwing much because I can't remember much about him. Here, he's just a Dollotron. But the original Deathwing was from the Team Titans future. I was rereading The Titans, Team Titans, and Deathstork but stalled about a year ago before getting to the Deathwing reveal. It's too bad because I bet I'd have some really smart things to say about his appearance here, if only I could remember anything about him! I think maybe he was fucking Mirage? Or maybe the original Dick was and then when Lord Chaos was defeated, perhaps it changed Dick's future so that he became known as the asshole Deathwing. Maybe I should get back to rereading those before this story arc is finished so I can reestablish my credentials as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Right now I'm failing!

Nightwing defeats Deathwing by cutting him with the blade from the other end of the universe. It causes people to see various future realities. Apparently the one Deathwing sees is the one that turns him into a scared little boy who never wanted to become a dollotron. That seems far-fetched! Who wouldn't want to be a sexless dollotron with no sense of identity?! It sounds like bliss.

Nightwing leaves Defacer to coddle Deathwing and rushes off to stop Dr. Hurt from killing Damian. He finds Dr. Hurt waiting to monologue before killing Damian. He's all, "Batman was forged from tragedy but I can't figure out the tragedy to forge you! But you were still cracking jokes after seeing your bleak future and after seeing your girlfriend about to be turned into living art. Well, let's see if you can make a joke when Robin dies at dawn! Did you hear me? Do you get it? Have I said it enough times yet? I said 'Robin Dies at Dawn'! That's clever, right? It's my origin story! Ah ha ha ha!"

Dr. Hurt stands over Robin's lifeless body with a bloody knife which causes Nightwing to stumble and fall into hell. The cover lied! It showed Robin stumbling! Stupid covers.

The Ranking!
No change! Even though Dr. Hurt is targeting Nightwing specifically, at least the only people being hurt are Dick's girlfriend and brother. Oh, and the dozens and dozens and dozens of people turned into Nightwing Dollotrons! But they don't matter, right? They're basically just like potted plants in the background. Nobody cares about their previous lives or what will happen to them when this story is over. It's best not to think about all the collateral damage that happens when villains specifically target heroes. That way leads to stories like Justice League's "Timeless" or DC's "Legends" or Superman's identity crisis or all the ones where people hate Batman or the Teen Titans or Wonder Woman or Aquaman. Actually, it's standard policy to hate Aquaman.

Nightwing #18

This was the theme of my high school prom.

The Review!
Are you a person who likes clever things like art and waffles? If you are then you should read the first panel of Nightwing #18!

See?!

Some of you might be thinking, "I don't get it!" If you are, don't worry. You just aren't the type of person who likes clever things! Or you might be one of those people who thinks they get it which is just tragic. Because then you're thinking, "Oh yeah! I appreciate art and the character is including me in the comment about being here and appreciating art! I know that sometimes situations exist where you can use the word 'meta' and seem super intelligent and in the know!" Sure, that's part of it, I suppose! But if you thought that then you're not actually the type who appreciates art in the way the character (and thus Tim Seeley) is claiming you appreciate art which is why you've chosen to read his Nightwing book (and hopefully ignored his Lost Boys book because if you appreciate art, you probably threw up reading that and thought, "Where is the art?! That is a reference to the old Wendy's commercial. Meta! I think?"). But if you remembered that this issue is about Professor Pyg who loves artistic transformations and is about to transform an artist into art through arty artistry, you might have noticed how clever the Location Blurb was being (even though it didn't mention waffles). Even places can be transformed! It's even cleverer if you know what sanglier means! I don't!

If Professor Pyg is so into transformation, why did he base his whole look on pigs? Is it simply because he's obsessed with Pygmalion? That seems like a stretch! He should be Professor Butterfly! I guess that's too on the nose for a Grant Morrison character and also not as disturbing as a pig-faced guy and also maybe a bit suggestive of coming out of the closet. Grant probably figured that would take the character into places he'd already discussed in Doom Patrol. This guy is supposed to be disturbing and what's more disturbing than pigs?! Don't start shouting out logical answers to that question at me! It was rhetorical and steeped in personal bias! Pigs are gross!

Who else wants a waffle now?

If you're a person who likes clever things like art and wine, you should probably keep reading past the first panel because Professor Pyg goes into an analogy about how art is like wine but also like being pregnant which makes a lot of sense because babies totally act like they're drunk. His main point is that to get the best art out of an artist, you have to gut them when they're young. But Dick and Damian arrive and they make a "This Little Piggy" joke although I'd rather believe it was meant to be a Deliverance joke that was censored. In other words, Dick and Damian are going to "rape" Professor Pyg. I put rape in quotes because I meant it in the way twelve year old boys use it on me while playing Call of Duty. Apparently I've been raped on a nearly constant basis since I began playing Xbox online. No wait. Make that "attempted raped" because those twelve year old boys never know what hit them after I'm through with them! I'm not saying I rape them. That's disgusting and vile. I just carefully pull down their dirty twelve year old panties and spank their sweaty bottoms until they're asking for more and I'm all, "Wait a second. I just remembered I'm not in NAMBLA. I should think up a better analogy for destroying kids at video games that isn't suggestive of some kind of sexual assault."

Professor Pyg has some more commentary on art and artists. Maybe he should change his name to Professor Navel-Gazing.

While Damian and Dick fight Pyg to save Shawn, Dollotron Robin and Dollotron Deathwing discuss the pros and cons of becoming a Dollotron. You might be asking what kind of pros could there possibly be in becoming a Dollotron? Well, I can think of one pro: Lots of cons to discuss! Anyway, the discussion ends the way most debates end: one side strangles the other side. In this case, Deathwing is the winner.

Nightwing saves Shawn but twists his ankle so he can only lie on the ground blubbering while Robin rushes off to stop Deathwing stealing the Batmobile. But that's just a bit of performance art to lure Robin out alone so that Deathwing and his friend can shoot him in the back of the head! Or maybe just the back. Probably some place non-fatal since the Death of Damian Wayne was a story that was already told and I'll be angry if DC tries to make me pay to read it again.

Deathwing's friend (somebody Robin recognizes but isn't shown (at least not yet! Maybe the reveal will be on the final page. I hope it's Lord Death Man! Or Egghead!)) claims that Robin will die at dawn because that's the only way to get Dick Grayson to reach his true potential. Who would want Dick to achieve his true potential? The real bad guy must be Batman!

When Dick realizes Damian is missing, he threatens Pyg and Pyg cracks immediately. He reveals the true patron of the Make Dick Grayson Great Again project was Dr. Simon Hurt. I suppose I should have known that from when he said, "Robin Dies At Dawn!" That was more of that clever stuff Tim Seeley thinks is so cool.

The Ranking!
No change! You know, I really do need to go back and read Grant Morrison's Preboot Batman stuff.

Nightwing #17

Deathwing has the worst ass in the DCU.

The Review!
I'll just cut to the chase: Deathwing is a Dollotron. In France, a Damian Dollotron also turns up but that one seems confused and willing to help Nightwing and Damian. That's all of the crucial plot points revealed in this issue. I'm not sure why Professor Pyg's Deathwing Dollotron has a blade that can cause Nightwing to see alternate realities but then I don't really know much about Professor Pyg. He's a pervert who likes to turn children into sexless dolls with masks glued to their faces, right? That seems about right for a Batman villain created by Grant Morrison.

Professor Pyg has Shawn. He thinks she can lift up his art since she's an artist. What's more artsy than turning an artist into a faceless, sexless work of perverse art? Not much that I can think of!

The Ranking!
No change!

Nightwing #16

Hasn't "Nightwing Must Die!" been the mantra at DC for like two decades now?

Last issue ended with Nightwing's love interest, Shawn, being kidnapped by some mystery villain. This issue begins a few days before that because Tim Seeley had a really good boner innuendo that he wouldn't have been able to write if Shawn were already in a refrigerator. It's pretty good! The innuendo, not the boner! This is only a Teen Rated comic book! Teenagers aren't allowed to know about boners! This beginning a bit in the past also allows Tim Seeley to reveal Shawn is a budding observational comedian. Dick is rubbing his boner all over her lower Manhattan real estate and she's all, "Have you ever noticed airline pilots sound the same? Have you? Have you ever noticed? Have you ever?!"

Meanwhile in San Francisco, the Teen Titans are busy fucking each other the way young people do when there's no adult supervision.

Oh, my mistake! Unless Damian has his dick sticking up in that bag of peanuts just waiting for Starfire to dig around for one!

I don't feel like Starfire is actually a teenager. I'm not sure she somebody with that amount of sexual experience full of lusty desires should be on the same superhero team as a thirteen year old. Especially one that can't get English idioms correct. There's no way she understands statutory rape laws!

Damian decides Starfire is never going to go for a peanut so he storms out of Titans Tower to kick Dick's ass in Blüdhaven. Hopefully nobody with a peanut allergy gives him a blow job later. I only mention it because he's going to Blüdhaven! That place is a den of sin and iniquity! And I don't even know what iniquity is! I bet it's like butt stuff!

Over in that place with the name that stupidly has a u with an umlaut over it so that it's a pain in the ass to type, Nightwing battles a gang calling themselves The Horsemen. They rob shit while wearing those stupid rubber horse masks. Speaking of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I never have gotten around to doing a bunch of critical reviews of The Golden Girls equating each of the main characters to one of the Four Horsemen. I had a friend who said they represented the seasons but I think they were more like War, Death, Famine, and the other one. Dysentery, I think?

You're probably wondering which Golden Girl represents which Horsemen, right? I'd have to really immerse myself in The Golden Girls to know for sure, but off the top of my head, I'd say Dorothy was War because she'll fucking crack some skulls. Sophia is Death because she's super old but also because she can kill with just a few words. Blanche is Pestilence, mostly of a sexual nature. And Rose is Famine because she's lacking the smarts.

After Dick beats up the horse-faced goons, Robin arrives to have a pleasant word with his brother. That word (along with some other words because one word isn't that expressive unless I use one that will offend genteel sensibilities) is "You aren't going to be Batman! I'm going to be Batman! When father dies, I get to take his place, you dumb jerk!" Although, knowing Damian, he might just decapitate Dick to quickly resolve the matter.

Uh oh! Dick had better pray for the same kind of miracle I received which I mentioned a few commentaries ago!

Dick slams Damian to the ground and chews him out. Damian relents in the way Damian only relents for Dick Grayson. At least for now! He's still going to have to show Dick that he can piss way further than Dick ever could while wearing the Batman cowl.

Nightwing stops by to get a pregnancy test while in costume. That Rite-Aid clerk is going to have a little extra cash for the weekend after selling that story to the local superhero gossip rag.

Oh man! I love blind box toys! Especially Collect Club! And especially Collect Club's Paranormal edition! From where I'm sitting in my office, I can see the crystal skull and the chupacabra from that set. I think all of my other Collect Club figures are stashed in my Rescuers, Sailor Moon, and Battlestar Galactica lunch boxes.

Nightwing discovers Shawn's phone on the ground in the hall and spray painted across her current art project is the word "daddy." So I guess this was the moment she was abducted. I know the first place I'd check! And if she isn't in the fridge, maybe Blüdhaven has a refrigerator factory?

Damian follows Dick to Shawn's apartment because he's expecting an apology from Dick. But instead, he finds Dick preparing to solve The Case of the Probably Pregnant Girlfriend. I'm sure Damian will help him, if only to show Dick who the World's Third Greatest Detective is. Obviously Detective Chimp is after Batman. But Detective Chimp doesn't have any interest in becoming the next Batman, so he's irrelevant to this situation.

"Grayson, you fool! You've gone and gotten yourself pregnant!" is probably how Damian would finish this thought since Batman has only ever told him about the Bats and the Bees, which is a completely different story than the one with the birds and has nothing to do with sex.

Batman's Birds and the Bees explanation probably goes something like this: "Damian, sometimes a man finds himself kicking a woman wearing leather in the face to keep her from stealing some valuable diamonds. Then she makes a sexy innuendo about your bat junk and you'll begin to find kicking harder than it was before the blood rushed to your groin. Then you'll get naked on the roof together — remembering to keep the cowl on! — and the magic will happen! Also, sometimes you'll find yourself in a tent in the desert waking up with a weird headache and the smell of your greatest nemesis's daughter on your dick. That isn't as magical."

Damian has stolen the Batmobile so that he and Dick can get to France quickly. Damian knows as much about geography as he does about sex. After they take off, Deathwing reveals himself as the enemy! Or the tool of the enemy because he's in contact with somebody about Dick heading off to France.

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book was entertaining before Tim Seeley brought in Damian. I think I really like Tim Seeley's Damian. I can't remember for sure but it seems like the kind of thing I remember liking.

Nightwing #15

Dammit! I dropped the comics starring these guest stars for a reason!

• This issue begins 68 days ago. That must mean Nightwing won't die for the next 68 days worth of story. There isn't going to be any tension in this comic book at all!

• Nightwing begins telling his story by pointing out that every good hero has a love interest. Is that really true? I don't remember Bilbo getting laid. Or Gandalf. Or Jesus.

"Mournful gyrating" is how I describe my lovemaking as well.

• It pained me to type "lovemaking" but I couldn't think of a better way to put it in the context of that caption without changing the intended tone. "Sexing?" "Intimate penetrations?" "Organic docking procedures?" "Failing to please a woman?"

• Shawn has blue hair which is the exact opposite of what Dick usually goes for if blue is opposite red which I'm pretty sure it is.

• After failing to dock (the mournful gyrating was really just dancing at a Goth club. Duh!), Wally West stops by to smell Dick's fingers.

• That's so disgusting! I can't believe I even typed that! It totally grossed me out. One time when I was at my cousin's house in high school where we were playing Blood Bowl, his cousin (which wasn't my cousin due to the way marriages work) came in from hanging out front in his Z-28 with his girlfriend. As he walked by my cousin, he just casually stuck his fingers under my cousin's nose. That's the end of the story, really. I know, it wasn't even worth telling! Although the part about David fucking his girlfriend out front in his Z-28 could probably make a great movie! Or at least a pastoral poem.

• Six days after 68 days ago, Dick and Shawn gyrate mournfully. Shawn said she was being traditional. Although I don't know how traditional. When was the last time two people dating waited six days to fuck?! It must have been a week in the early sixties. During that week, it went from waiting five years to fuck to fucking during the second song of the outdoor festival you met the person at.

Me discussing the lovemaking.

• After Dick leaves, Stallion calls up Shawn to smell her fingers. This is Rebirth! They might have cell phones capable of transmitting smell. Smell phones!

• Stallion was all, "What did his cock look like?" And Shawn was all, "Just like Nightwing's!"

• Twenty-seven days into the relationship, Dick tells Jason Todd a story where Shawn did something of which he didn't approve. Uh oh! That's the story Dick will be telling in the future when he describes the time he knew the relationship was over!

• The same day, Shawn tells Mouse a story where Dick made her question their commitment! Things are already falling apart! Unless the point is that people have to invest in a relationship to make it work. I wouldn't know because whenever a relationship becomes work, I take off! I mean, the woman wants to orgasm every time too?! Sheesh!

• Fifty-one days into the relationship, Dick Grayson cheats on Shawn with Starfire. Probably!

Oh yeah. They totally did it! It's basically how Tamaraneans say hello!

• Shawn's father is a chef who owns his own restaurant. He's also Chinese. So when he says he made them food, Dick is all, "I love Chinese food!" But then Shawn's dad is all, "I have an Italian restaurant!" And then Dick is all, "Oh, I would be embarrassed for assuming that you made Chinese but I fucking smell Chinese food, you asshole." And Shawn's dad is all, "I know! It was a joke! I totally got you and made you sound racist!" And Dick is all, "No, you didn't. I could fucking smell the Chinese food!" And Shawn's dad is all, "Ha ha! Oh, you gullible kid!"

• Sixty-four days into the relationship, Dick has to tell Barbara Gordon that she isn't getting any of this. He points to his lower half while doing a slight twist when he says "this."

• Sixty-seven days into the relationship (one day from the present!), Dick tells Bruce about the woman he's been gyrating mournfully with.

Oh don't you start getting all judgy, Mr. Catwoman.

• Since this story is the story of the past sixty-eight days, the Narration Boxes are Nightwing speaking from the present. And he finishes with one of the first Women in Refrigerator tales. Which doesn't bode well for Shawn, does it?! Also in the last panel, somebody sneaks up on her as she's painting and nabs her!

The Ranking!
+1! So much to like in this one! So much! Which should mean I'd have a lot to mention, right? Well you're wrong because saying "so much to like in this one" is a way of saying "I liked it but don't want to bother articulating all of the reasons why I liked it, like the side boob shots of Shawn in her bra and Alfred being told not to speak while serving Bruce and Dick dinner. I mean, he probably was told not to speak because he's always making snarky comments towards Bruce and can't he just fucking let the whole Batman thing go sometimes?!"

Nightwing #14

"Making Blüdhaven murderer safe?" That's a terrible slogan.

The Review!
No change. Rebirth has placed Dick Grayson back in Blüdhaven. I guess he was there once before. But that was back when I had stopped reading comic books and also when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. It's not my fault that I didn't like Dick Grayson for years and years. The blame for that lies squarely on Marv Wolfman's shoulders because he wrote him so terribly. But that's not entirely Marv Wolfman's fault either because Marv Wolfman got his Master's Degree in Making Dick Grayson Look Like a Piece of Shit. What else could he do?! It was all he had trained for. Luckily he minored in Lying About A Possible Elfquest Movie so that he had other things to do after completely ruining Dick Grayson and the Teen Titans.

Here's another quick Marv Wolfman Fact: his thesis for his Master's Degree was called "Other Dimensional Demonic Beings and Their Penchant for Rape."

But this book isn't about Marv Wolfman. I don't know how Marv Wolfman is psychically forcing me to discuss him. Maybe he wants me to get back to reading the 1990s Deathstork the Terminator comic book! I will, Marv, I will! But first I have to catch up on the current comic books.

Speaking of current comic books, this issue wrapped up the Mystery of the Framed Reformed Super Villains. Much to the surprise of nobody who understands how comic book arcs are written, everything works out! No good character is arrested and Nightwing gets laid! But also much to the surprise of nobody who understands how comic books have to try to entice the reader into buying the next issue, another Nightwing makes an appearance! He's got long hair and a red bird on his chest so he might be Prebirth Nightwing!

Nightwing #13

Is this sex?

The Review!
Currently in Nightwing, Nightwing has moved to Bludhaven (with an umlaut! I'm too lazy to find the alt code for it) to adventure with a team of superheroes who might alternately engage in pornographic film making when they're not fighting crime. They have names like Thrill Devil and Stallion and Jizz and Goober. I'd be getting aroused just by those names if I hadn't masturbated like five minutes ago. They're all super villains trying to reform so Nightwing has a soft spot for them. Also he has a soft spot for them because he wants to touch the soft spot on their mentor. She was framed so she's currently in jail. I don't remember what her supervillain name was. Probably Tight Twat.

Nightwings mini-team decide to stop trying to be heroes because they're quitters. Also I don't think they really wanted to be heroes. They just don't want to be thought of as criminals anymore. Well maybe they shouldn't run around in their old super villain outfits! Most of them are white. If they just put on some clean clothes and act like they've never broken the law ever, they can pass as law abiding citizens! But Mouse is African-American so she'll get hassled by some racist cop at some point simply for existing.

Meanwhile, the Bludhaven police are complaining that keeping the law is too hard when they can't beat the shit out of perps. As if that was a good tool to keeping the city safe! The problem isn't that maybe a guy breaking into a car shouldn't possibly get a stray elbow to the jaw just to learn him some consequences. The problem is that cops often don't actually know who the criminals are and tend to beat up anybody their "gut" says is a criminal. That's the part of the argument a lot of these asshole Blue Lives Matter people can't get past. It's their racist blind spot. Cops don't just go out there and beat people who deserve to be beaten (we'll pretend that's a thing. We'll pretend people breaking laws deserve to be beaten. It isn't a thing. But let's pretend for a second). Cops go out and beat people who they suspect deserve to be beaten. And if the person they suspect hasn't done anything and tells the cop they haven't, suddenly the cop accuses them of mouthing off to the cop and before you know it, they're being beaten for resisting arrest. Cops not only think they can get away with murder; they've discovered they absolutely can get away with murder. Just explain that you feared for your life and you're off the hook for shooting somebody who didn't have any kind of weapon at all. As long as you swear you thought they had a weapon, you're good. Don't worry about the life you took and all the people whose lives were ruined because of it. But you notice how you can't use the excuse that you feared for your lives even when you run from cops? That seems way more justified!

That's her connection? The direction of the victims' faces?! I don't know, man! That's some M. Night Shyamalan stretching it shit! I guess the murderer is going to wind up being the "Hey! Look over there!" Killer.

Nightwing is busy running around trying to stop another murder. He's using the rooftops and he winds up running across tourism billboards for Bludhaven. Why would Bludhaven advertise Bludhave inside of Bludhaven? Worst tourist board ever.

Nightwing is in time to save the mayor and catch the man who has been framing all the ex-cons: Jimmy Nice! See? I told you! Remember when I said, "Another person Dick will be working with at Don’t Let Teenagers Become Violent And Steal My Things Headquarters is a guy named James Nice. That’s suspicious! You don’t get a name like Nice without being a cold-hearted dildo puncher." Too bad Nightwing didn't figure it out immediately. He needs to remember he's living in a comic book and comic book writers love to do stupid ironic bullshit like making guys named Nice not.

Nice gets away just as the cops get there so you know what that means! I mean, you must know what that means, right? How long have you been reading comic books? Even if you've only been reading them for a few months, you know how this works. The cops arrive at the scene of the crime and immediately try to arrest or kill the superhero. So now Dick isn't just the face of Bludhaven; he's also the...I don't have any way to finish that sentence cleverly. He's just a wanted man now.

Dick runs into Defacer (oh, that was her name! I was close with Tight Twat) who distracts him long enough for Detective Svoboda to get her gun on Nightwing. Apparently she wants to have coffee with him. So another woman who wants to fuck Dick. And he's only been in town for a few days. Lucky bastard!

The Ranking!
No change!