Teen Titans Spotlight #14: Nightwing

So that's why I finally dropped this series: they dropped the "on:".

Obviously I didn't drop this comic book because they dropped the "on:". The first thing I did was rename this comic book so I didn't have to include that stupid shit in the title! But then I was a different person thirty years ago. Maybe thirty years ago, I couldn't abide having a comic book change its title in the middle of its run. No, no. I already disproved that when I bought fifty more issues of The New Teen Titans after it changed its name to The New Titans. Maybe dropping this series after the Nightwing issue is simply proof that I fucking couldn't stand Nightwing for the first forty years of my life (granted I wasn't really reading comic books throughout my thirties. I took a break after Cerebus ended, continuing only by reading collected editions of Fables and The Walking Dead. I restarted again when I turned forty because I hate myself.

That probably sounds like a slam against comic books and it is but in my defense, have you read most comic books? They're fucking garbage. I don't know why so many people are trashing their reputations to join a shadowy white supremacist comic book movement that touts to make comics great again when the majority of comics never were great. I understand that I'm a forty-seven year old cynical jerk who's unwilling to continue to see comics in the same way I did when I was younger. But that's my prerogative, right?! Yes, I loved comic books growing up. I remember a lot of comic books fondly. But I can also admit, upon rereading comic books that helped shape the person bashing comic books that I am today, that a lot of those comic books don't hold up now and they didn't hold up then and only my naive innocent stupidity made them seem as great and inspiring as they were. Sure there were great artists and writers who invented an entire art that captured the imagination of generations of kids! But those people are easier to panegyrize in general terms. Kirby created vast vistas and engaging worlds. Stan Lee brought to life dozens of characters that would remain popular across multiple generations. Neal Adams wrote stark and realistic accounts of daily life but didn't know when to quit. Grant Morrison did something with some Baker and everybody shit their pants or something. Whoops! I started getting too into the particulars there! Anyway, great artists and great writers have simply made it easier to defend all the shit creators who fill the rank and file comic book jobs needed to keep the cash coming in. And yet even the Lobdells and Nocentis have their place because a lot of naive innocent stupid people, like I once was, will always be around to love Jason Todd or Green Arrow or Katana or Arsenal or Catwoman, no matter how fucking terribly they're actually being written.

All of that really doesn't say as much about comics as some people getting ready to send me a expletive-filled response might think. That simply says a lot about me! Why then, if that's my attitude, am I willing to reread all of the comic books in my collection from the last forty years? What kind of a sick, perverse self-hater am I?! Why would I waste my final years of this short and finite life doing this to myself? Come on! That's easy to answer! It's fun! I love writing and I love thinking thoughts and I love putting them on the Internet for sixteen people to enjoy! Oh, sure, I have over a thousand followers on Tumblr but I'm fairly certain most of those accounts were deactivated when Tumblr stopped allowing titties.

You might have forgotten that the biggest gang in Gotham in 1987 were the Jewish Surrealists.

I don't even care how many people don't know what the fuck I'm on about. Did you know this world is on fire?

Batman is busting a cocaine shipment into Gotham in the prologue of this comic book. According to the cover, he's about to be crucified. I guess the Jewish Surrealists are still micro-managed by Caesar's Hand.

Speaking of unbelievable things in comics (this segue works because I believe I was speaking about it fifteen hundred commentaries ago when Nightwing drove a motorcycle up the wall of a building), how does Batman always wind up unconscious and in some form of complicated trap and yet, in all the time it takes to put him there, nobody ever takes the mask off. Not one henchman is curious? Not one henchman binding Batman to the cross ever thinks, "If I knew Batman's identity, I could quit this henchman gig, sell the information, and retire"? I don't believe it. My theory is that thousands of henchmen have tried this plan but Alfred intercepted all of the blackmail notices, hired Jason Bard to find who sent them, and then hired Tommy Monaghan to kill them.

I would just like it on the record that I spelled Tommy's last name correctly before looking it up.

The Jewish Surrealists capture Batman because they had a sniper with a tranquilizer gun on overwatch during the deal. Batman gets drugged, blackjacked, and spit upon before nobody thinks to take off his mask.

At least I hope that's spit.

I guess if that isn't spit, I now understand why nobody took his mask off.

"Are ya kiddin' me, Rudy?! Put yer fuckin' dick away and help me schlep this bastard into tha van! The boss can take tha fuckin' mask off. Ugh."

Alfred calls up Dick Grayson when Bruce doesn't show up for morning stitches. Dick sighs, hangs up the phone, and goes off to do a literally thankless job because Batman thinks expecting people to be there for him is the same thing as gratitude.

I hate complaining about the art because I never complain about the art. So when I finally complain about the art, that means I really fucking think the art sucks. And, well, I'm complaining about the art now.

"Fuck dinosaur references! I got this!" -- Stan Woch

This is some of Woch's earliest work with DC so I shouldn't be too hard on him. Plus he's still alive and he might read this. Although wouldn't it be worse if I were criticizing the work of a dead man? Also, he draws a pretty decent studio apartment and jizz dribble.

Nightwing heads off to save Batman even though he knows Batman doesn't need saving. If Batman seems to need saving, it's only because Batman misses Nightwing and this is the only way he can see him without admitting that he misses him. "Oh no!" says Batman as he tries to remember what it's like to feel sleepy from tranquilizers or to feel concussed from a blackjack to the back of the head. "My legs are all, um, wobbly? I'm, um, falling now, right? OH! I'm helpless! I just peed a little too!" Then he lets the bad guys kidnap him and waits for Alfred to worry way too soon and call for backup. And of course Batman would choose a night when Jason Todd is off in California and Superman is off on Oa and Wonder Woman has her anniversary dinner with Steve Trevor.

Oh, just because he's suddenly half-robot, I'm supposed to believe some high school football star can now design high tech contact lenses?! Fuck you, comic books.

Dick finds a vial of acid left behind as Batman as a clue to who murdered him. I mean kidnapped him, probably! Who would kill Batman when they had the chance? I mean if they actually had a chance and Batman wasn't completely faking and ready to start breaking kneecaps the second somebody tugs at his cowl or tries to put a bullet in his brain. Anyway, the acid vial reminds Dick of that one case which was the only one ever in which Batman used a vial of acid which leads him to Drakkar, a Gotham drug lord. This is less evidence that Batman was in trouble and realized Nightwing would come looking for him and more evidence that Batman wasn't in trouble at all and was expecting Nightwing to come looking for him because Batman misses him.

With all the Batman themed stuff in this picture, that marquee obviously says Debbie Does Batman.

Nightwing threatens to beat up some cowardly punk named Skates who Batman apparently beats up every time he needs information. And even though Skates always gives up the information, he somehow hasn't been killed by any other Gotham criminal. Skates tells Nightwing that Batman is going to be killed at midnight in the graveyard. It's going to be a huge party. But instead of thinking, "I'll go to the graveyard and stop this!", Dick wastes precious time tailing Skates hoping he'll lead him to Batman or Drakkar. When Nightwing loses him due to Nightwing's fandom crowding around him, Nightwing thinks, "Wait. What did Skates say? Oh yeah! He gave me everything I needed to know! But now it's so close to midnight, I might not make it in time! Shoot!"

Drakkar's plan is to auction off the right to unmask Batman and put a bullet in his brain. So, you know, almost the plan I proposed when they first knocked him unconscious! Stupid greedy thugs! Now Drakkar won't be rid of Batman or rich because Nightwing has found him! And he saves Batman in the nick of time! Time for hugs and demonstrations of familial love and intimacy!

Oh Batman!

Nightwing should know Batman cares because he didn't disappear the instant Nightwing looked away. Batman does smile at the end but not until Dick leaves. Only the reader gets to know Batman is capable of the tiniest bit of joy! And that joy probably wasn't due to Nightwing telling Batman that he's proud to have been Robin. The joy was probably in getting away with not thanking somebody for saving him yet again.

Teen Titans Spotlight #14: Nightwing Rating: C+. If I had written this issue, it would have been from Batman's point of view. And all along the way, Batman would be thinking things like, "I'll drop this acid vial which will remind Dick of the Great Dragon caper which will lead him to Drakkar and the subway graveyard where I'm certain Drakkar will take me to kill me!" Then Batman will think, "I bet Dick and Alfred are brainstorming how to find me right now!" And later, as the gun is being put to Batman's head, he'd be all, "The lights should go out just about now! Dick will save me in the nick of time which I'll totally razz him over. Should I say, 'Cutting it pretty close, Boy Wonder' or 'Jason would have been here five minutes sooner'?" Then the final panel of Batman's life will be a bullet passing through his head as he's unmasked. The final page would show Dick Grayson sitting in his apartment listening to Cat's in the Cradle with the phone off the hook.

Nightwing: The New Order #1

Where the hell has Kyle Higgins been? Writing for a better comic book company or playing too much Overwatch?

Everybody likes to think that they never let their emotions cloud their intellectual decisions. Obviously most people are wrong about this because most people aren't robots disguised as humans or cars or comic book bloggers. I've come up with a good test to know if you're one of those people who make bad decisions based on your stupid human feelings. Not a lot of people will get the chance to take this test unless MTV decides to pick it up and make it into a hidden camera show. Here's how it works. Most people have friends (I say most people because I post my commentaries on Tumblr as well as Blogger and I don't want anybody responding with "How dare erase people who don't like to make friends!" Although I suspect people who say things like that are just justifying the reason they have no friends because they say things like that) and they would do anything to defend their friends from physical assault. They've got their friend's back or whatever nomenclature the cool kids use. I would know but a cool kid has never once spoken to me. Anyway, most people (see previous parenthetical reference) also have that one friend who deserves to get punched because they're a provoking asshole. Now here's how you can tell if you're a reasonable person or not. If that asshole friend gets punched in the face by some stranger, do you get up and help them or do you shrug and continue your inane conversation about Joss Whedon (feminist or chronic virtue signaler? (that's your inane conversation and not mine. Remember that I'm a writer, dum-dum))? If you defend your friend even though you know they deserve it, you're the kind of person who would make excuses and apologize for a terribly stupid person in power (who I won't name because if your in the United Kingdom, that gives you an opportunity to think maybe I'm talking about one of your dumb people in power like May or Johnson or Farage (does he still have any power? It's hard to stay connected when all of your panel shows are on hiatus or unavailable on YouTube)). But if you let your friend take a punch or two (you can step in if it goes much further because, remember, you're supposed to be a reasonable person), it shows you are a perceptive and thoughtful person who is able to see all sides of an issue. Sometimes your asshole friend deserves to get punched in the face. Maybe they'll learn something.

I have a feeling that Nightwing might be punching some assholes in the face in this series. Although I'm also feeling a bit of trepidation about reading this book. I've had enough of comic book stories about groups of people who rally around a leader that wants to destroy a particular group of people simply because they're different. You might think I say that because I'm tired of the real world but I don't care about what's happening in the real world when I say that. I'm just sick of reading this story over and over again in my fucking comic books. Didn't the X-men say it well enough fifty years ago? Do we have to keep revisiting this shit? How about superhero comic books stop holding up a mirror to our real world prejudices just to show how one hero stands up for what's right and maybe show a whole world of people who choose to do what's right rather than acting like scared, idiotic children? How about being truly uplifting rather than depressing and, well, repetitive?

This issue begins with a scene from twelve years ago where Dick has murdered the Justice League and Doomsday and Captain Cold and Cheetah and, I think, Gorilla Grodd. I guess everybody with superpowers. I don't remember that happening twelve years ago so this comic book must take place in the future. Superman is all, "Dick! Why did you kill me and Hawkman? Well, I mean, I get why you killed Hawkman. What a provoking asshole! But why me?! I gave you your name, you ungrateful cocktease!" And Dick is all, "I had to save the world." That's really what he says in the comic book. The Superman stuff I mostly made up. Surprising, right?

So there you have it! A story about how normal people feel people with super powers are a threat to the world instead of a being the inspiration they were meant to be! It really is the worst take on the superhero genre. I don't want to be reminded that most people have negligible self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy so dense only Stephen Hawking could truly describe it to a layman.

The narrator mentions parents so the story will probably be told from Nightwing's kid's point of view, since this takes place in the future's future. Nightwing's kid is probably a closeted superhero who can't be their true self because their father is a fascist asshole. Why Nightwing, of all the heroes in the DC Universe, would become a person who thinks superheroes are dangerous, I have no idea. I'm sure I'll find out though if I keep reading! I bet he lost somebody he loved or at least respected as a father figure who couldn't quite give him the love he needed because he was aloof and dressed as a bat.

According to Nightwing's kid (who is almost certainly a lesbian. It's like those television court shows. If the judge is a white female, the bailiff must be a black man. So Nightwing has the hetero white male covered. That means his kid needs to be the opposite. Although is lesbian the opposite of that? Or is gay male the opposite? Maybe an asexual would be the opposite of Nightwing because I bet he gets so much pussy!), Nightwing saved the world in 2028. That means, according to my calculator (which is on my watch because I'm fancy), this story takes place in 2050. I mean 2040! Stupid fat fingers and tiny buttons.

Really, Nightwing? I figure we allow the people we care about the most to make their own decisions, even if we disagree? But then, that's just me. I guess in the eyes of The New Order, I'm just an apathetic apologist!

That quote will come back to haunt Nightwing because Nightwing's kid is going to be, "I really care about my dad! I care so much about him that I have to make the hard decision of punching him in the face while his friends stand by and think, 'Yeah. He deserved that.'" Basically in 2040, the pendulum has swung back and Dick Grayson is, once again, the worst character in the DC Universe. Marv Wolfman would be proud.

The story is about how good people can come to believe in terrible things. I'm pretty perceptive to have figured that out so quickly. Also the kid says, "Eventually, I learned how even good people can come to believe in really terrible things." It's kind of like that time I found out that my friend Doom Bunny liked Ally McBeal. I should have written a comic book about that.

In 2040, cities don't have police. They have Wings! It's not as delicious as it sounds unless you enjoy night sticks and super power suppressants.

He's talking about the original Dr. Light. Who cares about his light powers! Maybe worry more about keeping him away from kids?

After dealing with work and celebrity life and ignoring how he's become an asshole, Dick heads back home to Wayne Manor where Alfred is making dinner with his son Jake. I know Jake isn't a lesbian but that's because this is probably a red herring. There's no way a kid Jake's age develops the voice that the narrator is using. That kind of bitter disappointment in one's parents only really comes from an adult perspective (or late teen, most likely. Since she'll probably be leading the Teen Titans against this fascist police state Grayson has set up. I bet she's the child of Dick and Helena). Jake is like twelve.

See? Lesbian daughter! How dare you doubt a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader?

Since nobody says "daughter" or "sister" in the entire conversation (just the pronoun "she"), that bit is probably another red herring to make the reader think he's talking about Jake's mother and the voice is still Jake's. But I don't fall for red herrings! Herring is gross.

Alfred tries to point out that Richard is being an asshole. I would have said "being a dick" but he has that stupid name and it would have sounded like I was punning. But Dick is all, "I have to put people like Superman and Wonder Woman in stasis! It's the only way to make everybody safe! Safety first! Freedom worst!" But Alfred is all, "Bruce's death may have turned you into a fascist fuckmonster but I will never agree with you! Or respect you! Or make you waffles!"

Okay fine! I was wrong about the lesbian daughter! The narrator is Jake! It's just it's Jake from even further in the future than 2040. And his mother wasn't Helena because, apparently, she was hurt by Dick Grayson's anti-meta(l)-gene bomb that took away most of the powers. I guess she's the "she" he and Alfred were talking about. I'm not shocked that I was wrong. I'm just shocked that Kyle Higgins would give a white male superhero a white male son to rebel against him. What year is this? Nineteen-whitety-white?

Oh! I hope Jake's mother was Starfire! I mean, he's not brown and doesn't have green eyes or red hair and his boobs are pretty small. But maybe?!

I figured it out when I read the cover! Except for the lesbian daughter part. Based on DC's apparent mission statement, I should have known it was about a son dealing with his daddy issues.

So it turns out that in 2040, Jake gained super powers. That's why the narrator sounds like an adult because he's speaking from the future future's future. He probably, as I said earlier about the lesbian daughter who apparently doesn't exist (dammit), founded a new group of Teen Titans to bust his father's ass. I still don't know who Jake's mother is though. Jake's power manifests as red eyes that make red squiggly lines. So maybe Jake's mother was Darkseid? I mean Grail!

What Did We Learn?
I feel when I read something, I should learn something. And if I'm going to write about things and make stupid jokes (like the joke about how I thought Dick had a lesbian daughter which you totally fell for. As if I really thought something that was eventually proven to be wrong. Ha ha! You're so gullible! Also credulous! And naive!), I should probably walk away a little wiser than I began. It's tough to learn things from every issue of a comic book you read though because the story takes a few issues to finish. How am I supposed to know the lesson I should learn after just the first issue? Well, that's another benefit of comics! They really fucking telegraph where they're going. Maybe it's because we, the audience, are idiots and they don't want to lose any of us. Or maybe it's just that no matter how hard comic book writers try to make a good book, an editor will walk over and stick a dick in their notepad and be all, "Write it this way, dum-dum!" Anyway, here's what we're going to learn from this title (I'm telling you so you can save twenty bucks): prejudice cannot survive in the face of love of family! Dick might feel a little bit bad that he's hurting people with his terrible laws but he won't really understand how badly he's harming them until he has to punish his own son for simply being who he is. At the end of the book, Dick's son apologizes to Dick for having superpowers. See? Dick should already feel awful that he caused his son to feel shame simply for being who he is! Dick will try to get his son to go on the inhibitor medication but his son will rebel. They'll battle in the good ole Oedipal way which will end in the collapse of Dick's police state and the freedom of everybody! But Dick will not be allowed to live after this transgression. He'll die in his son's arms as he repents his sins. Also Jake's mother will appear at some point and hug Jake.

Nightwing #21

Why isn't Seeley's name on the cover? What is happening?!

• Nightwing begins this comic by making an observation that crime takes place in Metropolis around lunchtime and crime takes place in Gotham around midnight. That must be because criminals are stupid. If you want to avoid Batman, do crime during the day! If you want to avoid Superman, do crime at night! What is wrong with these people? Unless, of course, what Nightwing is really observing is that Superman fights crime during the day and Batman fights crime at night. During the day in Gotham, criminals get away with their crimes and nobody notices because Batman is sleeping. The opposite is true of Metropolis. So what Nightwing is really observing is that he's bad at science and drawing conclusions.

• Nightwing also concludes that crime takes place in Blüdhaven at about twilight because that's when he goes out to stop crime. Nightwing might suck at scientific experiments but he's an expert at tautologies.

Dude, you're not Robin anymore. That line doesn't work.

• Nightwing stops the mugging but the woman being mugged decides to murder the mugger. Luckily for Nightwing, The Flash (Wally West Version (ginger Wally West version)) arrives to scoop the bullet out of the air. I say luckily for Nightwing because if this mugger were killed, his family would wind up blaming Nightwing. Then they'd have to become super villains to destroy him for killing their loved one. Not that he killed the guy or could even be blamed. But comic books have a different set of ethical parameters than reality. Not that reality's are much better.

• Wally has come to town to find a friend. He's bored because nobody wants to hang out with him. I get that. He's annoying just at normal speeds.

• Nightwing uses the line "Let's not and say we did." I've never liked that expression. It doesn't really make much sense. If you don't want to do something, why would you want to go around later proclaiming that you did? I've never asked somebody to fuck me where they responded "Let's not and say we did." Although they have said the opposite of that. I totally understand that version! "Let's do this thing that is completely embarrassing and later not admit to having done it." But in Nightwing's case, Flash suggests calling the new villain they're tracking The Skipper. Nightwing is all, "Let's not call him that and say that we did." Well, isn't that exactly the same as calling him that?

• Nightwing and Flash catch up with the newbie super villain. He uses the word "ridic." I hope they accidentally kill him.

• The Flash can't stop The Skipper because The Skipper can pause time. But he does have to push a button to pause time. Which means The Flash should be able to stop him before he can pause time. Because, you know, The Flash has that super speed thing. But apparently this kid's index finger has super speed too. Even if The Skipper simply needed to think about pausing time to pause time, The Flash should still be able to defeat him. Because the idiot keeps talking. As soon as he begins saying anything, The Flash could punch him in the face and kill him. I mean knock him out. Easily before the kid could think to pause time.

• So, anyway, they, um, you know, beat the guy in the end. It's all very satisfying and shit. I guess. Whatever.

• In the epilogue, Tiger Shark returns to take over Blüdhaven! I'm not sure that really deserved an exclamation point but I felt something needed to feel exciting about this issue.

Nightwing #20

Accessory to murder!

The Review!
Lately, it's like Tim Seeley is reading my mind. This story — hell, the basic story of Dick Grayson since time began, I suppose — refuses to take part in the typical DC Narrative where pain and loss and Daddy Issues are the things that create heroes.

I was surprised to find that Dick Grayson quickly became my favorite hero of The New 52 and beyond. It took me awhile to realize why I shouldn't have been surprised at all.

I can be completely and utterly cynical in nearly every aspect of my life. I don't have an earnest bone in my body (hee hee! I said "a bone in my body"!). But comic books seem to be the one place where I don't want to see cynicism. I don't want to read postmodern takes on the genre. I don't want to see hot takes on how superheroes fit into our modern world. I just want to read stories about good and noble people doing the right thing no matter how hard that thing is. I want to see Superman deescalating violent situations because what does he have to fear physically? I want Batman to care about the lives of the people of Gotham more than he obsesses over the identity of The Joker. I want to see Nightwing...well, you know what? I'm seeing Nightwing do what I want to see Nightwing do. It's why he quickly became my favorite character. Because he's not a hero born of tragedy (even if he literally was!). His origin story wasn't that his parents were murdered by some criminal. His origin story was that there was hope and love and kindness ready to catch him in its safety net after the tragedy happened. He wasn't formed out of vengeance or justice or revenge. He was formed when Bruce Wayne took him under his wing and told him everything would be okay. Dick Grayson was born of optimism and kindness and hope and joy. I might be a cynical bastard but that is the character I want to read about in my comic books.

The reason I was so surprised that Dick Grayson became my favorite character though is that I couldn't fucking stand him for years. Anybody who read nearly a decade of his characterization by Marv Wolfman can absolutely understand why. He had some really insecure moments with his relationship with Batman in those years. What a fucking tool.

One of the things I loved seeing in The New 52 was how Batman treated Nightwing with respect and as an equal peer. He doesn't even treat Superman that way! I missed the years that Dick served as Batman with Damian as his Robin so I've only seen how their relationship formed through The New 52. This issue reminds me of the other side of Nightwing. He has both the respect and love of the older generation as well as the future generation. He is the hero previous heroes wanted to inspire. And he is the hero future heroes will try to emulate. Without Dick Grayson in his life, there's no telling how much of a horrible bastard Damian would be. I mean horribler bastard.

Anyway, Doctor Hurt dies again at the end of this story, killed by Deathwing as he himself kills Deathwing. But before he dies (killed by the blade that shows people multiverses, so maybe not totally dead but multiversed?), he explains to Nightwing that he, the embodiment of evil, saw something that scared him so much that the only thing he could think of doing was to make Nightwing, the most heroic of DC's heroes, as strong as he possibly could. Because only Nightwing can face The Watchmen, I suppose.

The Ranking!
+1!

Nightwing #19

This month: Nightwing takes over on drums for Styx on their revival tour and Damian Wayne trips!

The Review!
If you're into naked man ass, you'll love page two of this comic book! If you're also into huge birds of prey, you'll fucking ruin your underwear over page two of this comic book! So good!

Nightwing battles Deathwing in this issue while saying all of the things that I just said about what's wrong with superheroes in my commentary on Justice League #19. Defacer also says some good stuff. They're standing up for heroes being heroes. Sure, Simon Hurt is targeting Nightwing personally which is the main thing I hate about the state of comic book stories. But it's okay sometimes if the writer has a story to tell. And the story here is that Dr. Simon Hurt wants to ruin the purest super hero DC Comics currently has. He wants to take away everything that makes Dick Grayson better than Batman, better than Superman even. He wants to hurt him and take away his humanity and his kindness and his optimism. Dr. Simon Hurt thinks he can make Dick better by making him a weapon devoid of his human side. He sees the human aspect of Dick Grayson as being weak. But it's the strongest part of him.

Don't worry, people into naked woman ass! This comic has something for you too!

I haven't really discussed Deathwing much because I can't remember much about him. Here, he's just a Dollotron. But the original Deathwing was from the Team Titans future. I was rereading The Titans, Team Titans, and Deathstork but stalled about a year ago before getting to the Deathwing reveal. It's too bad because I bet I'd have some really smart things to say about his appearance here, if only I could remember anything about him! I think maybe he was fucking Mirage? Or maybe the original Dick was and then when Lord Chaos was defeated, perhaps it changed Dick's future so that he became known as the asshole Deathwing. Maybe I should get back to rereading those before this story arc is finished so I can reestablish my credentials as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Right now I'm failing!

Nightwing defeats Deathwing by cutting him with the blade from the other end of the universe. It causes people to see various future realities. Apparently the one Deathwing sees is the one that turns him into a scared little boy who never wanted to become a dollotron. That seems far-fetched! Who wouldn't want to be a sexless dollotron with no sense of identity?! It sounds like bliss.

Nightwing leaves Defacer to coddle Deathwing and rushes off to stop Dr. Hurt from killing Damian. He finds Dr. Hurt waiting to monologue before killing Damian. He's all, "Batman was forged from tragedy but I can't figure out the tragedy to forge you! But you were still cracking jokes after seeing your bleak future and after seeing your girlfriend about to be turned into living art. Well, let's see if you can make a joke when Robin dies at dawn! Did you hear me? Do you get it? Have I said it enough times yet? I said 'Robin Dies at Dawn'! That's clever, right? It's my origin story! Ah ha ha ha!"

Dr. Hurt stands over Robin's lifeless body with a bloody knife which causes Nightwing to stumble and fall into hell. The cover lied! It showed Robin stumbling! Stupid covers.

The Ranking!
No change! Even though Dr. Hurt is targeting Nightwing specifically, at least the only people being hurt are Dick's girlfriend and brother. Oh, and the dozens and dozens and dozens of people turned into Nightwing Dollotrons! But they don't matter, right? They're basically just like potted plants in the background. Nobody cares about their previous lives or what will happen to them when this story is over. It's best not to think about all the collateral damage that happens when villains specifically target heroes. That way leads to stories like Justice League's "Timeless" or DC's "Legends" or Superman's identity crisis or all the ones where people hate Batman or the Teen Titans or Wonder Woman or Aquaman. Actually, it's standard policy to hate Aquaman.

Nightwing #18

This was the theme of my high school prom.

The Review!
Are you a person who likes clever things like art and waffles? If you are then you should read the first panel of Nightwing #18!

See?!

Some of you might be thinking, "I don't get it!" If you are, don't worry. You just aren't the type of person who likes clever things! Or you might be one of those people who thinks they get it which is just tragic. Because then you're thinking, "Oh yeah! I appreciate art and the character is including me in the comment about being here and appreciating art! I know that sometimes situations exist where you can use the word 'meta' and seem super intelligent and in the know!" Sure, that's part of it, I suppose! But if you thought that then you're not actually the type who appreciates art in the way the character (and thus Tim Seeley) is claiming you appreciate art which is why you've chosen to read his Nightwing book (and hopefully ignored his Lost Boys book because if you appreciate art, you probably threw up reading that and thought, "Where is the art?! That is a reference to the old Wendy's commercial. Meta! I think?"). But if you remembered that this issue is about Professor Pyg who loves artistic transformations and is about to transform an artist into art through arty artistry, you might have noticed how clever the Location Blurb was being (even though it didn't mention waffles). Even places can be transformed! It's even cleverer if you know what sanglier means! I don't!

If Professor Pyg is so into transformation, why did he base his whole look on pigs? Is it simply because he's obsessed with Pygmalion? That seems like a stretch! He should be Professor Butterfly! I guess that's too on the nose for a Grant Morrison character and also not as disturbing as a pig-faced guy and also maybe a bit suggestive of coming out of the closet. Grant probably figured that would take the character into places he'd already discussed in Doom Patrol. This guy is supposed to be disturbing and what's more disturbing than pigs?! Don't start shouting out logical answers to that question at me! It was rhetorical and steeped in personal bias! Pigs are gross!

Who else wants a waffle now?

If you're a person who likes clever things like art and wine, you should probably keep reading past the first panel because Professor Pyg goes into an analogy about how art is like wine but also like being pregnant which makes a lot of sense because babies totally act like they're drunk. His main point is that to get the best art out of an artist, you have to gut them when they're young. But Dick and Damian arrive and they make a "This Little Piggy" joke although I'd rather believe it was meant to be a Deliverance joke that was censored. In other words, Dick and Damian are going to "rape" Professor Pyg. I put rape in quotes because I meant it in the way twelve year old boys use it on me while playing Call of Duty. Apparently I've been raped on a nearly constant basis since I began playing Xbox online. No wait. Make that "attempted raped" because those twelve year old boys never know what hit them after I'm through with them! I'm not saying I rape them. That's disgusting and vile. I just carefully pull down their dirty twelve year old panties and spank their sweaty bottoms until they're asking for more and I'm all, "Wait a second. I just remembered I'm not in NAMBLA. I should think up a better analogy for destroying kids at video games that isn't suggestive of some kind of sexual assault."

Professor Pyg has some more commentary on art and artists. Maybe he should change his name to Professor Navel-Gazing.

While Damian and Dick fight Pyg to save Shawn, Dollotron Robin and Dollotron Deathwing discuss the pros and cons of becoming a Dollotron. You might be asking what kind of pros could there possibly be in becoming a Dollotron? Well, I can think of one pro: Lots of cons to discuss! Anyway, the discussion ends the way most debates end: one side strangles the other side. In this case, Deathwing is the winner.

Nightwing saves Shawn but twists his ankle so he can only lie on the ground blubbering while Robin rushes off to stop Deathwing stealing the Batmobile. But that's just a bit of performance art to lure Robin out alone so that Deathwing and his friend can shoot him in the back of the head! Or maybe just the back. Probably some place non-fatal since the Death of Damian Wayne was a story that was already told and I'll be angry if DC tries to make me pay to read it again.

Deathwing's friend (somebody Robin recognizes but isn't shown (at least not yet! Maybe the reveal will be on the final page. I hope it's Lord Death Man! Or Egghead!)) claims that Robin will die at dawn because that's the only way to get Dick Grayson to reach his true potential. Who would want Dick to achieve his true potential? The real bad guy must be Batman!

When Dick realizes Damian is missing, he threatens Pyg and Pyg cracks immediately. He reveals the true patron of the Make Dick Grayson Great Again project was Dr. Simon Hurt. I suppose I should have known that from when he said, "Robin Dies At Dawn!" That was more of that clever stuff Tim Seeley thinks is so cool.

The Ranking!
No change! You know, I really do need to go back and read Grant Morrison's Preboot Batman stuff.

Nightwing #17

Deathwing has the worst ass in the DCU.

The Review!
I'll just cut to the chase: Deathwing is a Dollotron. In France, a Damian Dollotron also turns up but that one seems confused and willing to help Nightwing and Damian. That's all of the crucial plot points revealed in this issue. I'm not sure why Professor Pyg's Deathwing Dollotron has a blade that can cause Nightwing to see alternate realities but then I don't really know much about Professor Pyg. He's a pervert who likes to turn children into sexless dolls with masks glued to their faces, right? That seems about right for a Batman villain created by Grant Morrison.

Professor Pyg has Shawn. He thinks she can lift up his art since she's an artist. What's more artsy than turning an artist into a faceless, sexless work of perverse art? Not much that I can think of!

The Ranking!
No change!

Nightwing #16

Hasn't "Nightwing Must Die!" been the mantra at DC for like two decades now?

Last issue ended with Nightwing's love interest, Shawn, being kidnapped by some mystery villain. This issue begins a few days before that because Tim Seeley had a really good boner innuendo that he wouldn't have been able to write if Shawn were already in a refrigerator. It's pretty good! The innuendo, not the boner! This is only a Teen Rated comic book! Teenagers aren't allowed to know about boners! This beginning a bit in the past also allows Tim Seeley to reveal Shawn is a budding observational comedian. Dick is rubbing his boner all over her lower Manhattan real estate and she's all, "Have you ever noticed airline pilots sound the same? Have you? Have you ever noticed? Have you ever?!"

Meanwhile in San Francisco, the Teen Titans are busy fucking each other the way young people do when there's no adult supervision.

Oh, my mistake! Unless Damian has his dick sticking up in that bag of peanuts just waiting for Starfire to dig around for one!

I don't feel like Starfire is actually a teenager. I'm not sure she somebody with that amount of sexual experience full of lusty desires should be on the same superhero team as a thirteen year old. Especially one that can't get English idioms correct. There's no way she understands statutory rape laws!

Damian decides Starfire is never going to go for a peanut so he storms out of Titans Tower to kick Dick's ass in Blüdhaven. Hopefully nobody with a peanut allergy gives him a blow job later. I only mention it because he's going to Blüdhaven! That place is a den of sin and iniquity! And I don't even know what iniquity is! I bet it's like butt stuff!

Over in that place with the name that stupidly has a u with an umlaut over it so that it's a pain in the ass to type, Nightwing battles a gang calling themselves The Horsemen. They rob shit while wearing those stupid rubber horse masks. Speaking of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I never have gotten around to doing a bunch of critical reviews of The Golden Girls equating each of the main characters to one of the Four Horsemen. I had a friend who said they represented the seasons but I think they were more like War, Death, Famine, and the other one. Dysentery, I think?

You're probably wondering which Golden Girl represents which Horsemen, right? I'd have to really immerse myself in The Golden Girls to know for sure, but off the top of my head, I'd say Dorothy was War because she'll fucking crack some skulls. Sophia is Death because she's super old but also because she can kill with just a few words. Blanche is Pestilence, mostly of a sexual nature. And Rose is Famine because she's lacking the smarts.

After Dick beats up the horse-faced goons, Robin arrives to have a pleasant word with his brother. That word (along with some other words because one word isn't that expressive unless I use one that will offend genteel sensibilities) is "You aren't going to be Batman! I'm going to be Batman! When father dies, I get to take his place, you dumb jerk!" Although, knowing Damian, he might just decapitate Dick to quickly resolve the matter.

Uh oh! Dick had better pray for the same kind of miracle I received which I mentioned a few commentaries ago!

Dick slams Damian to the ground and chews him out. Damian relents in the way Damian only relents for Dick Grayson. At least for now! He's still going to have to show Dick that he can piss way further than Dick ever could while wearing the Batman cowl.

Nightwing stops by to get a pregnancy test while in costume. That Rite-Aid clerk is going to have a little extra cash for the weekend after selling that story to the local superhero gossip rag.

Oh man! I love blind box toys! Especially Collect Club! And especially Collect Club's Paranormal edition! From where I'm sitting in my office, I can see the crystal skull and the chupacabra from that set. I think all of my other Collect Club figures are stashed in my Rescuers, Sailor Moon, and Battlestar Galactica lunch boxes.

Nightwing discovers Shawn's phone on the ground in the hall and spray painted across her current art project is the word "daddy." So I guess this was the moment she was abducted. I know the first place I'd check! And if she isn't in the fridge, maybe Blüdhaven has a refrigerator factory?

Damian follows Dick to Shawn's apartment because he's expecting an apology from Dick. But instead, he finds Dick preparing to solve The Case of the Probably Pregnant Girlfriend. I'm sure Damian will help him, if only to show Dick who the World's Third Greatest Detective is. Obviously Detective Chimp is after Batman. But Detective Chimp doesn't have any interest in becoming the next Batman, so he's irrelevant to this situation.

"Grayson, you fool! You've gone and gotten yourself pregnant!" is probably how Damian would finish this thought since Batman has only ever told him about the Bats and the Bees, which is a completely different story than the one with the birds and has nothing to do with sex.

Batman's Birds and the Bees explanation probably goes something like this: "Damian, sometimes a man finds himself kicking a woman wearing leather in the face to keep her from stealing some valuable diamonds. Then she makes a sexy innuendo about your bat junk and you'll begin to find kicking harder than it was before the blood rushed to your groin. Then you'll get naked on the roof together — remembering to keep the cowl on! — and the magic will happen! Also, sometimes you'll find yourself in a tent in the desert waking up with a weird headache and the smell of your greatest nemesis's daughter on your dick. That isn't as magical."

Damian has stolen the Batmobile so that he and Dick can get to France quickly. Damian knows as much about geography as he does about sex. After they take off, Deathwing reveals himself as the enemy! Or the tool of the enemy because he's in contact with somebody about Dick heading off to France.

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book was entertaining before Tim Seeley brought in Damian. I think I really like Tim Seeley's Damian. I can't remember for sure but it seems like the kind of thing I remember liking.

Nightwing #15

Dammit! I dropped the comics starring these guest stars for a reason!

• This issue begins 68 days ago. That must mean Nightwing won't die for the next 68 days worth of story. There isn't going to be any tension in this comic book at all!

• Nightwing begins telling his story by pointing out that every good hero has a love interest. Is that really true? I don't remember Bilbo getting laid. Or Gandalf. Or Jesus.

"Mournful gyrating" is how I describe my lovemaking as well.

• It pained me to type "lovemaking" but I couldn't think of a better way to put it in the context of that caption without changing the intended tone. "Sexing?" "Intimate penetrations?" "Organic docking procedures?" "Failing to please a woman?"

• Shawn has blue hair which is the exact opposite of what Dick usually goes for if blue is opposite red which I'm pretty sure it is.

• After failing to dock (the mournful gyrating was really just dancing at a Goth club. Duh!), Wally West stops by to smell Dick's fingers.

• That's so disgusting! I can't believe I even typed that! It totally grossed me out. One time when I was at my cousin's house in high school where we were playing Blood Bowl, his cousin (which wasn't my cousin due to the way marriages work) came in from hanging out front in his Z-28 with his girlfriend. As he walked by my cousin, he just casually stuck his fingers under my cousin's nose. That's the end of the story, really. I know, it wasn't even worth telling! Although the part about David fucking his girlfriend out front in his Z-28 could probably make a great movie! Or at least a pastoral poem.

• Six days after 68 days ago, Dick and Shawn gyrate mournfully. Shawn said she was being traditional. Although I don't know how traditional. When was the last time two people dating waited six days to fuck?! It must have been a week in the early sixties. During that week, it went from waiting five years to fuck to fucking during the second song of the outdoor festival you met the person at.

Me discussing the lovemaking.

• After Dick leaves, Stallion calls up Shawn to smell her fingers. This is Rebirth! They might have cell phones capable of transmitting smell. Smell phones!

• Stallion was all, "What did his cock look like?" And Shawn was all, "Just like Nightwing's!"

• Twenty-seven days into the relationship, Dick tells Jason Todd a story where Shawn did something of which he didn't approve. Uh oh! That's the story Dick will be telling in the future when he describes the time he knew the relationship was over!

• The same day, Shawn tells Mouse a story where Dick made her question their commitment! Things are already falling apart! Unless the point is that people have to invest in a relationship to make it work. I wouldn't know because whenever a relationship becomes work, I take off! I mean, the woman wants to orgasm every time too?! Sheesh!

• Fifty-one days into the relationship, Dick Grayson cheats on Shawn with Starfire. Probably!

Oh yeah. They totally did it! It's basically how Tamaraneans say hello!

• Shawn's father is a chef who owns his own restaurant. He's also Chinese. So when he says he made them food, Dick is all, "I love Chinese food!" But then Shawn's dad is all, "I have an Italian restaurant!" And then Dick is all, "Oh, I would be embarrassed for assuming that you made Chinese but I fucking smell Chinese food, you asshole." And Shawn's dad is all, "I know! It was a joke! I totally got you and made you sound racist!" And Dick is all, "No, you didn't. I could fucking smell the Chinese food!" And Shawn's dad is all, "Ha ha! Oh, you gullible kid!"

• Sixty-four days into the relationship, Dick has to tell Barbara Gordon that she isn't getting any of this. He points to his lower half while doing a slight twist when he says "this."

• Sixty-seven days into the relationship (one day from the present!), Dick tells Bruce about the woman he's been gyrating mournfully with.

Oh don't you start getting all judgy, Mr. Catwoman.

• Since this story is the story of the past sixty-eight days, the Narration Boxes are Nightwing speaking from the present. And he finishes with one of the first Women in Refrigerator tales. Which doesn't bode well for Shawn, does it?! Also in the last panel, somebody sneaks up on her as she's painting and nabs her!

The Ranking!
+1! So much to like in this one! So much! Which should mean I'd have a lot to mention, right? Well you're wrong because saying "so much to like in this one" is a way of saying "I liked it but don't want to bother articulating all of the reasons why I liked it, like the side boob shots of Shawn in her bra and Alfred being told not to speak while serving Bruce and Dick dinner. I mean, he probably was told not to speak because he's always making snarky comments towards Bruce and can't he just fucking let the whole Batman thing go sometimes?!"

Nightwing #14

"Making Blüdhaven murderer safe?" That's a terrible slogan.

The Review!
No change. Rebirth has placed Dick Grayson back in Blüdhaven. I guess he was there once before. But that was back when I had stopped reading comic books and also when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. It's not my fault that I didn't like Dick Grayson for years and years. The blame for that lies squarely on Marv Wolfman's shoulders because he wrote him so terribly. But that's not entirely Marv Wolfman's fault either because Marv Wolfman got his Master's Degree in Making Dick Grayson Look Like a Piece of Shit. What else could he do?! It was all he had trained for. Luckily he minored in Lying About A Possible Elfquest Movie so that he had other things to do after completely ruining Dick Grayson and the Teen Titans.

Here's another quick Marv Wolfman Fact: his thesis for his Master's Degree was called "Other Dimensional Demonic Beings and Their Penchant for Rape."

But this book isn't about Marv Wolfman. I don't know how Marv Wolfman is psychically forcing me to discuss him. Maybe he wants me to get back to reading the 1990s Deathstork the Terminator comic book! I will, Marv, I will! But first I have to catch up on the current comic books.

Speaking of current comic books, this issue wrapped up the Mystery of the Framed Reformed Super Villains. Much to the surprise of nobody who understands how comic book arcs are written, everything works out! No good character is arrested and Nightwing gets laid! But also much to the surprise of nobody who understands how comic books have to try to entice the reader into buying the next issue, another Nightwing makes an appearance! He's got long hair and a red bird on his chest so he might be Prebirth Nightwing!

Nightwing #13

Is this sex?

The Review!
Currently in Nightwing, Nightwing has moved to Bludhaven (with an umlaut! I'm too lazy to find the alt code for it) to adventure with a team of superheroes who might alternately engage in pornographic film making when they're not fighting crime. They have names like Thrill Devil and Stallion and Jizz and Goober. I'd be getting aroused just by those names if I hadn't masturbated like five minutes ago. They're all super villains trying to reform so Nightwing has a soft spot for them. Also he has a soft spot for them because he wants to touch the soft spot on their mentor. She was framed so she's currently in jail. I don't remember what her supervillain name was. Probably Tight Twat.

Nightwings mini-team decide to stop trying to be heroes because they're quitters. Also I don't think they really wanted to be heroes. They just don't want to be thought of as criminals anymore. Well maybe they shouldn't run around in their old super villain outfits! Most of them are white. If they just put on some clean clothes and act like they've never broken the law ever, they can pass as law abiding citizens! But Mouse is African-American so she'll get hassled by some racist cop at some point simply for existing.

Meanwhile, the Bludhaven police are complaining that keeping the law is too hard when they can't beat the shit out of perps. As if that was a good tool to keeping the city safe! The problem isn't that maybe a guy breaking into a car shouldn't possibly get a stray elbow to the jaw just to learn him some consequences. The problem is that cops often don't actually know who the criminals are and tend to beat up anybody their "gut" says is a criminal. That's the part of the argument a lot of these asshole Blue Lives Matter people can't get past. It's their racist blind spot. Cops don't just go out there and beat people who deserve to be beaten (we'll pretend that's a thing. We'll pretend people breaking laws deserve to be beaten. It isn't a thing. But let's pretend for a second). Cops go out and beat people who they suspect deserve to be beaten. And if the person they suspect hasn't done anything and tells the cop they haven't, suddenly the cop accuses them of mouthing off to the cop and before you know it, they're being beaten for resisting arrest. Cops not only think they can get away with murder; they've discovered they absolutely can get away with murder. Just explain that you feared for your life and you're off the hook for shooting somebody who didn't have any kind of weapon at all. As long as you swear you thought they had a weapon, you're good. Don't worry about the life you took and all the people whose lives were ruined because of it. But you notice how you can't use the excuse that you feared for your lives even when you run from cops? That seems way more justified!

That's her connection? The direction of the victims' faces?! I don't know, man! That's some M. Night Shyamalan stretching it shit! I guess the murderer is going to wind up being the "Hey! Look over there!" Killer.

Nightwing is busy running around trying to stop another murder. He's using the rooftops and he winds up running across tourism billboards for Bludhaven. Why would Bludhaven advertise Bludhave inside of Bludhaven? Worst tourist board ever.

Nightwing is in time to save the mayor and catch the man who has been framing all the ex-cons: Jimmy Nice! See? I told you! Remember when I said, "Another person Dick will be working with at Don’t Let Teenagers Become Violent And Steal My Things Headquarters is a guy named James Nice. That’s suspicious! You don’t get a name like Nice without being a cold-hearted dildo puncher." Too bad Nightwing didn't figure it out immediately. He needs to remember he's living in a comic book and comic book writers love to do stupid ironic bullshit like making guys named Nice not.

Nice gets away just as the cops get there so you know what that means! I mean, you must know what that means, right? How long have you been reading comic books? Even if you've only been reading them for a few months, you know how this works. The cops arrive at the scene of the crime and immediately try to arrest or kill the superhero. So now Dick isn't just the face of Bludhaven; he's also the...I don't have any way to finish that sentence cleverly. He's just a wanted man now.

Dick runs into Defacer (oh, that was her name! I was close with Tight Twat) who distracts him long enough for Detective Svoboda to get her gun on Nightwing. Apparently she wants to have coffee with him. So another woman who wants to fuck Dick. And he's only been in town for a few days. Lucky bastard!

The Ranking!
No change!

Nightwing #12

I didn't know whales had such nice tits.

The Review!
No change. Nightwing teams up with the Run-Offs to investigate the murders with which their friends have been framed. While doing this, they encounter their old friend, The Orca, who nearly defeats them. But thanks to a plucky chipmunk named Goob, the day is saved! Except the day isn't saved for the third person murdered in the last three nights. And this time, they were killed in a way that will get Thrill Devil framed. Plus, Dick encountered Cherry Annabel, employee of the Convention and Tourism Bureau. She's the one who decided he should be part of their ad campaign and also another woman he's probably going to fück.

This advert got me excited for a comic book in a way that I haven't been excited for a comic book in a long time. And, no, it didn't involve boners.

Nightwing #11

Well the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have remained and they've turned around. Who'd have thought they'd lead ya back here where we need ya?

The Review!
In this issue, the Blüdhaven Tourist Board comes up with a new slogan and billboard:

Compare this to my slogan I came up with last commentary: “Come to Blüdhaven for the hookers, blow, and casinos! Stay to catch a glimpse of Nightwing’s ass!” Grandmaster Touism Slogan Comer Upper Wither!

Cherry, the Tourism Board person, suggests that the billboard picture might be better with a shot of Nightwing from the back. So see? I'm even better at this than I first thought!

This issue, Nightwing decides to help investigate Grimm's declarations of innocence. James Nice, Dick Grayson's coworker, would like Nightwing to help the super-villains gone good support group. But Dick is waffling because he just got out of a bad relationship with a super-villain. But he's completely attracted to Defacer, Shawn Tsang, who runs the group and hired Dick Grayson as a volunteer for the non-super-villain side of her organization. He thought his life would be less complicated moving to a place where crime was rampant but he's discovering a city without a Batman beating the shit out of anybody who breaks the slightest law is obviously more ethically gray than Gotham.

Wouldn't it be better to live across from a home for the blind?

Now Nightwing has offered to help The Run-Offs, the super-villains trying to restart life in Blüdhaven. But then Defacer gets arrested for another murder before he can fuck her. Or she can fuck him! I don't mean to objectify her by literally making her the object of that fucking sentence. She wants him just as much as he wants her.

Meanwhile, the Whale's Enders, the toughest street gang in the city, have decided that they don't want any heroes getting ideas about moving to their turf. So they send The Orca off to kill Nightwing. The Orca's real name is Grace and she was just recently a member of The Run-Offs trying to make her life better. So I guess next issue she'll either kill Dick or be patronized by him. Probably not both and maybe neither. I think Dick is trying to be friendly without appearing smug these days.

No rank change this week because of reasons I've mentioned previously. It's still #3 out of however many comic books I read each month, so if you're actually looking for a recommendation from somebody who knows what they're talking about, you should probably Google "comic book reviews."

Nightwing #10

I don't think I've ever read any Blüdhaven stories but I'm already angry that I have to learn the ALT code for the u with an umlaut.

After learning about Blüdhaven from Preboot Superman, Dick Grayson decides it's the place for him! He's heard that what happens in Blüdhaven stays in Blüdhaven (probably because what happens is usually murder and what stays is the corpse thrown into a concrete foundation being laid) and that totally sounds like the Dick Grayson way. Because lately, the Dick Grayson way has been more like the James Bond way. He wants to get back to familiar territory and the best way to do that is to move to someplace completely foreign to him.

Dick decides to get a job volunteering with a program that helps teens stay out of trouble. He nails the interview and, later, probably the boss.

Are there sexual harassment policies in place for trying to fuck volunteers to an organization? It's okay to bang them if you're not paying them, right?!

Dick Grayson is going to get so much püssy in Blüdhaven.

Another person Dick will be working with at Don't Let Teenagers Become Violent And Steal My Things Headquarters is a guy named James Nice. That's suspicious! You don't get a name like Nice without being a cold-hearted dildo puncher. I should know because my last name is...um...it's just Tess, actually. Never mind. Forget I said anything. Although, seriously, with all the links to my old websites and my Twitter account and the name Grunion Guy and my Xbox Live Handle and who knows what other things (like probably mentioning my name directly in an early review when I was drunk or something), it wouldn't take much effort for a stalker to figure out who I am. So why haven't I been stalked yet? So disappointing.

After Dick leaves, James and Shawn are all, "We should wear our supervillain costumes to the meeting tonight to show that we're in control of our supervillain tendencies! It'll help the teenage supervillains we're helping to understand that they can also avoid being violent and stealing other people's things. Maybe we can even convince them that they're superheroes instead of superzeroes! That's such a great slogan that it's probably already been copyrighted and now our organization is going to be sued and we'll all go back to our lives of crime. I guess that's not all bad seeing as how we live in Blühaven, Crime Capital of places with umlauts in their name."

Dick goes home to learn that normal life is too boring to live for a ward of Bruce Wayne's who was raised in a traveling circus to be a Talon and slept with a dwarf throughout his teen years. So he'll probably be out fighting crime before you can type the ALT code for a u with an umlaut over it.

Meanwhile, the Blüdhaven mayor is having a meeting with his staff to ensure that Blüdhaven doesn't become too family friendly in it's new campaign to lure families to the strip.

Nice bit of writing, Tim Seeley, to cover the fact that you don't know what "on fleek" means! Or that you just didn't care enough to look it up because it's fucking stupid. Slang doesn't prove that you're cool and in the know. Slang only means you're an unimaginative chump who wants to fit in so badly that you'll say stupid shit like "fleek" to describe whatever the hell is fleeky.

Being an older person, the only reason to use young people slang is to annoy the fuck out of them. But just because it's the only reason, it doesn't mean it's not a good reason. Making teenagers cringe is a healthy adult pastime, especially when they think they're the cool ones for recognizing a cringe-worthy moment. Oh, we know everything we do that makes you cringe, young people. It's the only reason we do any of it.

Searching my site, I used "on fleek" once when I mentioned how I have never said it. Besides, it was almost certainly uncool to say by the time I even learned about it! That's another part of the fun of using youthful slang. By the time adults know about it, it's been abandoned by the youth. We all know it but the youth think we still somehow think the slang is still en vogue. Super cringe points!

Marvel comics might have a case for suing DC Comics since Mayor Madrigal is basically Perry White. I mean J. Jonah Jameson!

That last paragraph (which was only a sentence) is for people who think I'm stupid and unsubtle. It's both proof that I am to people who think that and proof that I am not because there's a whole underbelly of criticism against fangenders and their Marvel vs DC war in that sentence. Paragraph!

Thankfully, some crime gets committed near Dick's new place, so he dons his costume and exits the window of his apartment in his Nightwing kit. So I guess he doesn't give a shit about his secret identity, does he? People are going to notice shit like that! And some of those people are going to be curious enough to figure out which window that apartment belongs to. And some of those people are going to earn big money selling the information to mob bosses.

The crime was committed by a talking ape who Dick quickly takes down for the Blüdhaven police. The ape is Gorilla Grimm from Gorilla City. I don't mean to sound racist in so many fucking ways I can't even fathom it but how does Dick recognize one Gorilla from Gorilla City over another? I would have sworn this was Grodd except that Grodd would never wear a wife-beater and a trucker's cap. Oh, maybe that's how he recognized him! To be fair to myself and my totally racist question which I didn't mean to be racist in suggesting that apes are equivalent to black people and the possible truth but probable stereotype that white people can't identify one black person from another because I really did just mean that I wouldn't be able to tell one gorilla from another, I probably wouldn't recognize Dick Grayson from one comic book artist to another without a bevy of clues that have nothing to do with his looks. I'm sure if Gorilla Grodd and Gorilla Grimm were real gorillas, I'd totally be able to tell the difference. Unless I'm Gorilla Face Blind. I might be! I haven't met enough gorillas to know for sure.

Poor Gorilla Grimm. Your parents don't give you that name if they think you're going to amount to anything. His hopes and aspirations were probably stillborn thanks to the name. Thanks a lot, Ma and Pa Gorilla! Fucking dicks.

Nightwing just got done thinking how nice it was to get back to Black and White crimefighting instead of trying to navigate a gray world where somebody, somewhere, is constantly finding a reason to criticize you when Gorilla Grimm begins talking.

Profile much, Nightwing? Am I off the hook for comparing a gorilla to a black person now that Tim Seeley has done it? Not that I did it at all! But I wrote something that suggested that if you were of a mind to read it that way, due to the gray world we live in and the penchant for finding offense wherever a person can to feel more righteous than the next person. Because I totally didn't mean the comparison! Just because I noticed that something I wrote could be read that way and then brought it out in the open to say that it wasn't meant that way doesn't mean I meant it that way! Also, I'm sure Tim Seeley didn't mean it that way either. I'm just trying to deflect the mob to somebody else!

I once made the accidental racism comment before in a Twat Lobo commentary that I noticed afterward and called myself out on. But not that it was accidentally racist, what I said. Just that it could have been seen that way! I reprint it here for good times:

Now I want to write a comic book called General Calamity and Wanton Violence. It would be set in the old west and be full of gore and good-intentioned racist microaggressions. You know the kind! Like when some white gunslinger has his ass saved by a Chinese fella and the gunslinger says, "You ain't so bad, fer a chinerman." And the Chinese Gunslinger smiles graciously while planning on whether he's going to piss or shit in the white gunslinger's stew later. You know! A fun comic book!

Oh shit! I just had an Asian-American Doll moment! I didn't mean for the comic book to sound like it was a white guy named General Calamity and a Chinese guy named "Wonton" Violence! Man, my cynicism almost failed me but I caught it just in time! Although, fuck me, it's a good idea! "So, you're name is Wonton Violence, hunh?" "No, it is 'Wanton' Violence,' you ignorant cocksucker!" Of course, Wanton Violence delivers his line over a smoking pistol and the corpse of the ignorant cocksucker.

I still believe that would make a good television series. Probably an independent series or somewhere like Netflix where the studio doesn't try to exert their control on every little bit of the production until they've turned it into something the broadest audience can like. And by "broadest" of course I mean "stupidest."

The Blüdhaven SWAT team take Gorilla Grimm off of Nightwing's hands because Gorilla Grimm is a suspect in a nearby murder. See, the murder victim was torn apart and had all their bones broken. Totally something a damn filthy ape would do, right?! But since Gorilla Grimm told Nightwing to his face he was innocent, Nightwing begins to suspect that maybe Blüdhaven might be a little gray after all! Like maybe they're cleaning up the city a little too enthusiastically to ensure tourists flock to their casinos. Like maybe Blüdhaven isn't so different from Gotham at all.

The SWAT Team doesn't arrest Nightwing in the way law enforcement likes to arrest superheroes but he does give Nightwing a firm slap on the wrist and a warning. I suppose if I arrived at one of the stores whose floor I clean and found a jerk in a costume doing the work for free, I might be a little bit annoyed too.

Gorilla Grimm tells Nightwing to talk to Shawn Tsang about how he didn't do it. Nightwing will probably do that but it's not like he can interfere with an arrest being made, even if he thinks the arrest is wrong. That's up to the courts to decide (even though they'll get it wrong too because our justice system is terrible and biased toward law enforcement because they need to keep them happy so that they'll work with them on real cases and not just the cases where the cops are all, "Put this bad person away because we said so or we're not helping you ever again, District Attorney"). If Nightwing were to interfere, he'd be no better than that criminal Tim Drake.

The Blüdhaven Tourism Board learns that Nightwing is working in Blüdhaven. Time to pay him to be the face of tourism! "Come to Blüdhaven for the hookers, blow, and casinos! Stay to catch a glimpse of Nightwing's ass!"

Nightwing heads back to talk to Shawn Tsang about Gorilla Grimm when he discovers that she's actually the supervillain known as Defacer. I don't know what her super power is. Spray painting? Anyway, it's just what Dick didn't want. He just got done trusting a villain who turned out to be an actual villain. Now he's falling right back into the same theme! Why can't people just be good and bad?! What is with all of this shit about good people doing bad things for good reasons or bad people doing good things but in terrible ways?! Knock it off and just be good or bad, stupid people of the world!

The Ranking!
No change. It's only a rating of No Change because Nightwing is ranked at #3 and I'm not yet ready to say it's better than The Flintstones. Maybe in some ways it is, depending on what you want out of a comic book. That's the problem having mainstream superhero titles on a ranking list that also includes modern versions of old Hanna-Barbera cartoons. But I really fucking enjoy everything about The Flintstones. Maybe if I were gay and I wanted to fuck Dick Grayson, this would be better than The Flintstones. But I'm not gay and I want to fuck Betty Rubble, so there you have it. Although, you should be reading this comic book! That's just a fact. I mean, it's an opinion but it's my opinion so it might as well be a fact.

Oh, I should also mention Marcus To's art is fantastic. I don't want him getting all butt-hurt again because of my intense hyperbolic criticisms that are simply meant to be funny in that way it's funny when an old person is shit on by society and they have no recourse but to scream and rant and bleed out of the eyes. So, you know, good work, Marcus! Now maybe your sycophantic followers won't harass me for criticizing your stupid Justice League International cover! I still stand by my assessment of the cover even if the inside art was so good you could wank to it!

Nightwing #9

How does Nightwing get into this kind of trouble in Gotham?

I keep saying that I'm going to do a bunch of shorter reviews just to catch up so that I'm reviewing comics the week they come out. But then I can never stop myself from digressing into digressions where I digress about more digressions. But I'm going to try! Starting now! For awhile, I'm actually going to read the entire comic book and then fart out a quick review! Ready? Set? Oh! I remember this thing I wanted to say. After watching the first episode of the first season of Little House on the Prairie, I started swinging my arms mechanically and making a goofy face and singing, "Der der der!" I was set off by the whole thing about how Pa was happy about his unexpected "harvest of friends." The Non-Certified Spouse looked at me and said, "You're aggressively cynical." Yes, I am! But that doesn't mean I don't love Little House! Laura Ingalls is my favorite character ever. She's a feisty bitch and she owns every fucking second of it. Even Ma and Pa love it although they only love it in private after they're done scolding her with passages from The Bible.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. Once upon a time, I used to hate Dick Grayson. I despised Nightwing. He was overly dramatic and constantly jealous. He whined about living in the shadow of Batman. He wasn't funny or charming or anything but pathetic. Mostly it was because he was being written by Marv Wolfman and I was reading the mid to late eighties Titans run. I never got over it. I went on for the next couple of decades decidedly anti-Nightwing. That only changed once I forced myself to read The New 52 Nightwing comic book because I was reading all of the others anyway. I couldn't ignore it simply because Marv Wolfman had ruined my taste for the character. What I discovered, nearly right from the start with Kyle Higgins' run, is that I really liked Nightwing. I loved his appearances in Scott Snyder's Batman as well. Dick Grayson had become his own man since the many years before when he was a tiresome twerp. Instead of Batman treating him like the son who abandoned him, Batman was treating him like a peer. Batman respected him for the man he became. That goes a long way because Batman doesn't even respect fucking Superman. I found that I was capable of actually admiring this character. He was logical, compassionate, and always kept his sense of humor. I discovered Dick Grayson was the greatest superhero in DC's New 52. I don't mean he was the most powerful, of course. I just mean he had the truest heart of what it means to be a hero. And, beyond belief, Dick Grayson became my favorite character of the DC Universe. So you can imagine how chuffed I am that Tim Seeley has been writing him for so long (because Tim Seeley is a Great Writer).

This issue is an examination of what makes him the finest hero in the DC Universe. It also reestablishes his relationship with Superman since DC Comics fucked that shit up by cutting their old universe into confetti, tossing it into the air, and reassembling it into a new universe without caring that over half the pieces were left under the desk. Dick is the guy to truly accept the new Superman without dozens of issues where he acts suspiciously and questions the new Superman's motives. He just fights beside him and sees who this Superman is and, afterward, accepts him as his friend. Which goes a long way to getting everybody else to accept him. Everybody in the DC Universe could take a few paragraphs out of Dick Grayson's book of being a hero.

Also, Doctor Destiny and his Materioptikon made an appearance! And Helena in a bikini! Or Tony the Tiger in shorts, if you're into man beef.

Nightwing #8

"Nightwing" looks like a verb that is probably a pretty raunchy sex act. "I'm nightwing your mom right now because we nightwed last week and she was totally into it."

Last issue, Raptor tried to convince Dick that he was Dick's dad because it's always a laugh riot convincing your friends you've banged their mother. But then Raptor also decided it would be a good idea to kidnap Bruce Wayne for some reason. I think it had to do with branding. Branding is not a superhero name.

Dick decides to start this issue by having a vague memory of one night when his mom and dad were up late talking about some strange guy bothering his mother. He had two attributes that made Nightwing's dad uncomfortable: his eyes and his...okay, it was just his eyes! I meant both of his eyes. The two of them! I totally wasn't going to say his penis because I'm maturing. It's 2017 and Donald Trump is about to be president. The time for dick jokes is long over and, possibly, took us down this road.

That must have been one uncomfortable cavity search. Although I'm sure Bruce could handle it. He probably had a miniature Batcycle crammed up there.

Raptor is upset with how Batman and Bruce Wayne fight crime. He's more upset that he took a Romani child and turned him into another rich white douchebag who battles street crime instead of helping destroy poverty and racism and other probably important stuff. The kind of stuff I can't be arsed to care about because, individually, I'm doing okay. But when I stop doing okay, you better believe I'll be out there trying to convince people to care about my issues! I'll be all, "I totally cared about your issues back then! Just don't read my commentary on Nightwing #8 and if you do, remember that I'm a largely facetious person who never really expresses perfect truths! I'm complicated!" Maybe I shouldn't even mention this review if I don't want people to read it because asking them not to read it will probably make them curious and then they'll read it! What jerks!

Raptor had better hope he found Bruce's microphone which broadcasts constantly to Alfred just in case a bad guy decides to monologue his plans (which is nearly every case). I won't say where the microphone is hidden but it involves gauging.

People who believe in the Stock Market as some sort of entity that creates wealth will still acknowledge that certain press drives stock prices up and down. Yet the people who listen to experts about the Stock Market never question how that's a thing if stocks are supposed to be representative of a company's profit and prosperity. They're not. Prices are representative of how popular a stock is and whether people think it's worth holding onto for a little longer because people are still buying it. But give some bad press about a company and watch the stock drop. Not because the press affects the profitability of the business. It simply damages its reputation which makes people fear other people will sell the stock so they sell the stock in fear that the price will drop and then the price drops because everybody starts selling. Analysts point to these things and call them anomalies or bubbles or blips and that they're not part of the actual system. The system, they say, is that prices generally go up and money keeps getting created and everybody eventually has a retirement fund. But the truth is that if no new buyers entered the Stock Market, it would cease to function profitably. The Stock Market does not generate money. It does not grow cash. Just like a pyramid scheme, it needs money coming in for those already in it to make money.

Yes, yes. There are things called dividends which companies pay out to shareholders when the company makes a profit. Those are totally different and probably the way every stock should work. If I'm investing money into your stupid company, I should get more of a return than the hope that later somebody will want to buy the stupid piece of paper with the Gold Star I received for giving the company my cash. Of course, it's probably more like I gave the five thousandth owner of that piece of paper money, like a comic book sold across many buyers, long since in the hands of the original owner. But at least I can read a fucking comic book.

I have this Stock Market rant once or twice a year and nobody has ever been able to explain to me how I'm wrong and the Stock Market actually does work in the way that analysts will tell you it works (mostly because analysts have lots of money in it and they want to keep perpetuating the system until they can cash out). I'll stop when somebody explains it to me in a way that doesn't make it out to be a scam instead of the answer I usually get which is "I'm sure it doesn't work like that at all."

Nightwing arrives to save the day! Except that Raptor isn't done with his rant against capitalism. Or whatever he's on about. I know he's really into branding so he can't be totally against capitalism. That's where branding really shines! Raptor also begins going on and on about their man-suits. He's totally lost me but I think it's just making me like him even more. He's become mysterious and unrelatable! Just the kind of person I love to fuck!

Raptor explains to Dick how he came down with leprosy and was driven out of the circus. But Dick's mom eventually came to him and offered compassion and thrills. Not those kinds of thrills! At least not yet. No, she and Raptor became the Robin Hoods of Paris, stealing from the rich and elite and giving back to the Romani and themselves.

I think Marie would just be glad that Dick was safe and well-protected and, eventually, happy.

It's easy to attack Bruce Wayne because he's rich and constantly gets richer. But what should he do? Give away all of his money so that he can't help in whatever ways he helps? I'm not sure what those ways are because it just seems like he's using his money to constantly make more money. But then "Bruce Wayne's Charitable Contributions to Gotham and Beyond" is kind of a boring title for a comic book.

After getting beat up and lectured, Nightwing smiles. That's the point Raptor loses because everybody knows Nightwing has it all figured out and when he smiles, he's about to explain it all as he kicks ass. This time, Dick is all, "You're just like Bruce, you idiot!" And Raptor is all, "What? NO! I'm melting!" But then he remembers his trap and he's all, "Bruce is dead!" And Dick is all, "Bruce has been free for like five minutes and now he's standing right behind you!" And then Bruce smiles which means bones will be breaking. Also, I'm not sure any of that happens after and including the "I'm melting!" part because I got ahead of myself as I was typing and haven't gone back to the comic book.

I like that Dick says this because I don't think it can be said enough. It's my favorite reason (and maybe the only one) that allows for Batman's use of young sidekicks. They've always existed to save Batman even if, as they're doing it, Bruce Wayne seems to be saving them as well.

Dick does some of that Batman justice Raptor hates which means he breaks the arm and leg of Raptor to incapacitate him. Then he goes up to save Bruce who has basically already saved himself but Bruce allows Nightwing his moment and pretends to almost fall to his death.

Later, Tiger arrives to take Raptor into Spyral custody. He makes sure to tell Bruce Wayne that he doesn't know he's Batman at all and will keep it that way.

See?! I never would have thought Bruce was the type of dad to lose games to his kids on purpose. Sucker!

The Ranking!
+1! I'm sad that Raptor didn't get to become a friend and mentor to Nightwing. I suppose Nightwing already has enough friends who are also kind of enemies. There's probably a word for that. Anyway, at least he'll be back. The main reason superheroes don't kill is because fans want to see the bad guys return over and over again. Who reads Batman for Batman? It's all about Joker and Catwoman, really! But not Penguin. Fuck Penguin.