Justice League Canada #4

That's it! I quit!

This is the last straw, DC! Are you trying to drive me crazy? First you start off a comic book called Justice League United with Issue #0. But this Issue #0 doesn't have anything to do with any origins or retcons or secret shenanigans! It's just the first issue of a five part story arc! That, in itself, was practically intolerable! The name of the five part story is Justice League Canada because, for some reason, the characters are going to form a new Justice League with ties to Canada. Why? I don't know! And to prove that Canada was involved in a title called Justice League United, you stuck a maple leaf in the "D" in "United." But now you've gone and completely just changed the title of the comic book to Justice League Canada because you're just fucking with us at this point, aren't you? You do realize that some of us are uncomfortable with change and by pulling a stunt like this, you create psychic pain which results in the eventual beating of spouses, right? Stop being big jerkos, DC Comics! I can't stand how often you do minor, annoying things that barely matter which cause me to overreact in an irrational manner and expose my character flaws! You suck!

Oh! That's why they'll be affiliated with Canada! They'll probably use this as JLC Headquarters! Plus the free healthcare.

Miiyahbin has still not become a super hero. I think her name was going to be Twilight or Eclipse or Moonscalper or something. I think my brain is racist. It came up with "Moonscalper" without any prompting from me! Why is the working of the brain so mysterious that humans seem to separate themselves from their own thoughts sometimes? As if our identities aren't wholly wrapped up in our brains. What and who we are is the brain. You know what television show I already hate and it hasn't even aired yet? The Red Band Society. When that one fucking idiot says that they can't cut into your soul, I just want to reach deep into the television and slap his soul right across the face. Doctors can cut into your soul! It's called a lobotomy! Because the soul doesn't exist and it isn't who you are because it doesn't exist! You are your brain! And doctors can cut into brains, dumby! That show looks like excrement.

Sure, sure. We're, technically, more than our brain. Hormones, pain, the processing of various nutrients and chemicals: all of these things affect the way the brain works, essentially changing who we are by changes in the life support system of the brain (our body!). Even parasites and other organisms can radically alter our personality. It's all very complex. But that's what happens when you evolve into an organism that is really just a smorgasbord of specialized organisms living in a community that we regard as an individual. And out of all the pieces that make us who we are, not one of them is a soul.

Wouldn't it be interesting if the soul were actually a cosmic parasite that influenced all of our actions so that we lived in ways that helped sustain its life? Is that already a plot to a Philip K. Dick short story?

Meanwhile on Rann, people are arguing about the creation of Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds, and the death of Hawkman.

Shouldn't they be celebrating?

I guess the main conflict of the story ended last issue when Byth and Twat Lobo escaped? If that's the case, I admit I'm a bit surprised that was it. It's possible more shit can still go down on Rann but this is the last chapter of Justice League Canada, so we're going to have to get on with Horizon's origin. Unless her name was Shy Burrito. And then there's the scene where everybody signs contracts and waivers to be admitted to the team. And what about the part where Buddy Baker has to explain to his family how he's getting back into the super hero game?

Why does Martian Manhunter have a Trivial Pursuit playing piece on his chest? It must be Martian Trivial Pursuit because it has more wedges than the Earth version. Also all the wedges are the same color. I bet they're all questions about fire safety.

When did Supergirl become all emotionally mature and crap? Or is she just upset that she has competition for best bum on the team? I'm talking about Green Arrow's bum, not Stargirl's.

Hawkman has not yet come back to life. He lost an arm earlier and then he came back to life, so he should be coming back to life soon. No wait! He never came back to life after losing his arm in this comic book. That was in Futures End! Why is Hawkman's Futures End life paralleling his Justice League Canada life? I bet it means something! Maybe he's fated to lose his arm and die over and over and over again. Maybe he learned that was going to be his curse if he took up the mantle as Hakwman which is why Hawkman #1 began with him burning the suit. He was trying to outwit a prophecy.

Meanwhile in Canada, Alanna reveals that she and Adam Strange have already been married. That's not a good sign because DC can only have one married couple and Animal Man has taken that role. Alanna also decides to wear a Blue Space Suit similar to her husband's, so she's a super hero too now. I guess Alanna and Adam will be the Ralph and Sue of Justice League Canada. I was hoping Buddy and Ellen were going to have that job. See what happens when DC allows too many characters to be in long-term relationships?

Yay! The Dibny position is all Buddy and Ellen's!

Twat Lobo helps Byth steal Hawkman's body so Byth can extract the Nth metal. Twat Lobo does this so that he can learn the location of The Real Deal Lobo and destroy him. That's probably where the story will begin in the monthly series, Twat Lobo. On sale at all Twat Comic Book Stores in Twatember!

Miiyahbin says her magic word and becomes the First Nations superhero known as...well fuck it. I forget what she was supposed to be called and I should probably just stop guessing. Oh wait! Equinox! I think there is a lesson there. Just as I gave up, I discovered the truth! Giving up works!

Also, the rest of the team returns from Rann (except Adam Strange because he and Alanna are now in a weird long distance zeta beam relationship) and discuss forming the new team.

Well that's just fucking confusing now, isn't it?

Justice League Canada #4 Rating: No change. If they're going to name their team "Justice League" anything, forget stepping foot back in America. Batman will slap them with a trademark infringement lawsuit so quickly that they'll probably say something funny about how quickly they were slapped with the lawsuit. I think this team is well balanced! They have some really heavy hitters to be on the front line of any cosmic threat and then they have Green Arrow who hopefully has some broom and mop arrows because he's going to be spending a lot of time in the headquarters. Hopefully this series will be about creating various Justice Leagues across the globe so that we can see some B and C Listers making it onto Justice League Rosters. Maybe not as silly as Justice League Antarctica. But close! Fingers crossed! Does crossing my fingers mean that I'm hoping for crazy teams or that I'm lying about hoping for crazy teams?

Justice League United #3

Is Batman on the cover because he's going to judge Justice League Canada for not inviting him to the party, or is this one of those "75 Years of Batman" covers?

Bruce Wayne has probably trademarked the name "Justice League" which is why Batman always has to involve himself somehow. Martian Manhunter has the trademark of the name on Mars which is why he's always butting in and trying to be a member as well. You've got to protect your trademarks or before you know it, Justice League Enema Kits! Although Bruce might let that infringement slide simply because they'd probably use Aquaman on the label.

I suppose this comic book is called "Justice League United" because it's going to star different Justice Leagues started in different countries. Or it could simply be that "gathering to protect the galaxy..." doesn't sound like something with which Canada would involve itself. "Not our problem, eh?"

This issue begins with Miiyahbin undergoing her secret origin as something that's pretending to be her grandfather tells her that the power was always within her or to let go or the crane kick cannot be defended or life's like a movie, write your own ending keep believing, or something.

Definitely not her grandfather since he thinks her name is "Meeyahbin.

Last issue ended with Byth finally having his baby, Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds. This issue begins with everybody going, "Okay. Now what?" But the "now what?" doesn't need an answer because the Rannians teleport everybody all over the place so that the story can sort of start over with the characters parceled out where they can contrive the best plot. Hawkman, Adam Strange, Byth, and Ace Ultra wind up with the Rannian scientists that began the whole "let's make the ultimate mixed-race baby!" mess. And everybody else appears in a desert with Twat Lobo. The first thing Twat Lobo does is punch Supergirl in the back of the head because he's met her before and remembers her favorite greeting. SOKKO!

That's Twat Lobo to you, J'onn.

Supergirl greets Twat Lobo back which sends him into low orbit around Rann. During the very short confrontation, Green Arrow proved he was, at best, a distraction and slightly less than at best, completely worthless. The only way he's going to prove his worth to me is if he heartlessly kills Ace Ultra the baby. That would prove to me that he has a place on this team! He does what nobody else can do because he has the most severe daddy issues. As he stabs Baby Ace Ultra in the face with his best trick arrow (the arrow that isn't a trick at all but is actually sharp and can kill which always surprises the thugs because good guys don't kill, right?), he'll scream, "I'm sorry, Daddy! I'm sorry I said I didn't love you and then you died and now you can never know that I actually loved you because minor characters don't often come back from the dead! I wish I was on that island that John Locke was on and could wish you back into existence so I could say I loved you! Except hopefully you would say it back instead of treating me like crap the way Locke's father treated him. Would you love me then, Daddy?! Would you?" Then he'd look down at the bloody mess in the crib before him and think, "What did I just do?"

J'onn decides that Ace Ultra the Infant Destroyer of Worlds is more dangerous than Twat Lobo. Is J'onn crazy? Ace Ultra is not going to have a shitty monthly comic book coming out in the Fall, so I think Twat Lobo is more dangerous. Destroy him before his comic book can give me an embolism! And kill Klarion the Witch Boy while you're at it. I'd rather he be dead than written by Ann Nocenti. It's simply more humane.

Soon, a third problem even bigger than Twat Lobo crops up.

I don't know much about fashion and I know even less about zeta beam teleportation, but I think I know enough to not trust a teleportation system to some guy that fell for the stirrup collar shirt fashion trend.

J'onn decides to split up the teams to take care of their three problems. For some reason, he chooses Green Arrow to go with him, Supergirl, and Stargirl to stop Ace Ultra, Mixed-Race Baby. Oh, he probably realizes, as I did earlier, that Green Arrow is the only one with nothing to lose and therefore willing to stab a baby in the face and kill it. He asks Adam Strange, Animal Man, and Hawkman to stay behind and help old stirrup head. The last of the group, he sends after Twat Lobo.

If you've been paying attention, there is no last of the group. Why J'onn doesn't think Twat Lobo is a threat, I don't know! Doesn't he realize I'm going to be paying $2.99 a month to read his twatty adventures?! Help a brother out here, J'onn! Let Supergirl kill him!

And Green Arrow can stab a baby in the face. Right, J'onn? Um, J'onn? J'ONN! You forgot Green...ah, who cares.

All else doesn't fail, but Supergirl steps up and takes over J'onn's plan anyway. She takes Byth to a secret corner of Rann to beat him senseless leaving Stargirl and J'onn to deal with Ace Ultra, Toddler Destroyer of Worlds. He's really aging quickly now. Like one of those god-awful commercials companies are currently in love with where they show one person age across their entire life in the span of two minutes of ad time. Fuck you, whatever companies those are but I don't know because I'm an awful capitalist and only remember my own rage and not the product I'm mad at. Like I need any more reminders of my fleeting mortality! Now you want to sell me a product based on the fact that I'm aging quicker and quicker and will soon be feeding worms? Fuck off, you bastards! You've just ruined my night!

With Byth out of the way, J'onn manages to convince Ace Ultra that they can help him.

If only Byth had introduced Ace Ultra to the Stranger Danger Campaign earlier in his life cycle. It's never too early to start teaching your child to trust no one!

Meanwhile Hawkman sacrifices himself to save Rann by flying off into the sky with the unstable Zeta Beam Core. But when it explodes, he probably just got teleported forward in time a little bit to just after he blew up with the core because there were voices coming out of the Zeta Beam Matrix that didn't belong to anybody earlier. So it was probably Sardath saying, "I can't--I--," which probably meant he can't believe Hawkman sacrificed himself. And then another voice was saying, "Sardath?" And that voice was either Hawkman saying it or Animal Man saying it while elbowing Sardath and looking at Hawkman suddenly appearing.

The speech bubbles could also just have been placed funny. But it didn't look like a mistake.

And then Lobo runs over Supergirl's vagina.

FWAASH!

Only long time readers will understand the "FWAASH" caption. So basically, nobody understood it and I'm just sitting her amusing myself.

I said "amusing," not "abusing." Pervs.

Twat Lobo rescues Byth and they fly away to be super fucking annoying another day. And Supergirl recovers Hawkman's body and declares he's dead. Sure, sure. And he lost an arm as well, didn't he? He'll be back on his feet in no time. I have got to get me some of that Nth metal.

Justice League United #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far, I heartily approve of chili. Also of this team. My favorite part of this issue was when Martian Manhunter forgot Green Arrow, even though that was probably a mistake. But then I have a history of loving mistakes. When I first saw The Goonies in the theater, my favorite part was when Data said his favorite part was the Octopus! But there was no octopus! Man, I thought that was hilarious! The little genius smarting off and lying to the local media! My hero! Of course, years later, Disney decided to stick the octopus scene back in when they aired it on the Disney Channel and it ruined my entire life. That's the exact moment I just said, "To hell with it all." And that's why I'm a petty little asshole on the internet making fun of the creators of DC Comics. Thanks a lot, Disney!

Justice League United #1

Try not to look so bored, Ollie. You're lucky to be on this team.

This is Issue #1 but it's the second issue of a five part story because the first part took place in Issue #0. This is a really irresponsible use of the Zero Issue format, DC Comics. You can't just start a comic book at Issue Zero! Issue Zero is for rejiggering origins! Or telling origins! Or throwing together a half-assed story simply to seem like you're doing something special. But to make it part of a five part opening story arc? Ludicrous! If I could, I'd take away your Comic Publisher credentials! Sickening.

Issue #0 was a pretty good beginning in a lot of ways. One way it wasn't any good was that it ended with Twat Lobo about to battle Hakwman (the "twat" in front of Hawkman is assumed). That fight doesn't really interest me. Although it might be the first time in the history of reading a DC Comic Book that I found myself rooting for Hawkman.

God dammit! Get up, you loser!

As an atheist, I should probably stop using the terms "God" and "Jesus Christ" and "Allah save me" and "By Joseph Smith's Golden Plates!" Although, truly, it just shows how secular religion has become. It's just part of the cultural landscape. A little tinsel on the zeitgeist of the modern age. I think it's some kind of conspiracy to get atheists used to taking your Lord's name in vain as just another curse when they stub their toe so that when the time finally comes and death is bearing down on one of us, we'll scream out, "Jesus Christ no!" Then at the funeral, some religious family member will be able to stand in front of my casket (closed due to what the hippopotami did to the body) and claim that I had, in the end, finally accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It's bad enough I'll probably convert to Mormonism after I die; I don't want to also be thought of as a Born Again (Right Before Death) Christian as well!

Actually, I won't fucking care what people think of me when I'm dead. Because I'll be dead. And not thinking anything. In fact, at that point, I'm not even sure I can be considered dead. I'll just no longer exist. My organic husk will be dead. But that's not me. The brain isn't even me. It's the electrical impulses inside the brain that create the illusion of me!

Fuck me. I'm just a Las Vegas Magician's Illusion? Well, I guess there are worse things to be. Like a Las Vegas Magician!

Anyway, the fight continues.

Wrong! Twat Lobo took care of his spineless race! Hawkman is an ignorant mother fucker.

I will apologize to Hawkman if it turns out that Lobo's committing genocide against his own people is not actually a part of Twat Lobo's history. It's possible it's just a delusion of "Imposter" Lobo. I put "imposter" in quotation marks because I really meant to say the real and original and true Lobo. But I'm trying to respect Bennett's Twat History of the DC Universe which she created in Lobo #1 last September.

Meanwhile in Canada, the soon-to-be founding members of Justice League Canada are battling an elemental giant. My favorite thing so far about this team is the way Green Arrow and Animal Man take every opportunity to insult each other. Busting balls is such a time honored tradition, it's hard to think that our society is trying to move us to a place where it's frowned upon! How are you ever going to tell who is the best friend of whom when nobody is insulting the fuck out of each other?

Are you a human without any powers caught up in a battle against alien elemental giants?! Then put on a ridiculous costume!

I guess Adam Strange is smiling because he's a Professor of Alien Fashion and he can see some kind of battle potential in the crazy rocketeer outfit he just found. It just looks like a slightly more stylish than normal space suit! It's especially stylish in the area of not making the wearer look fat. So he'll already be one up on David Zavimbe and his Batwing suit.

By the very next panel, Adam Strange is already suited up and flying around with a laser gun in his hand. Just as I suspected! He is a professor of whatever I said he was a professor of earlier.

Here we get a glimpse of Green Arrow's usefulness.

J'onn reads the Elemental's mind and discovers it was experimented on by a conspiracy of Evil Mr. Smarty Pantses. It's just an innocent victim in all of this! So now he's going to have to convince it to stop fighting and get a real job. It'll probably have to resort to driving a taxi cab because it seems to have a lot of useful skills but it's going to need a work visa and who's going to hire it without any academic proof of its abilities? Instead of choosing that life, it instead chooses to kidnap J'onn and run away with him.

Back in Byth's compound on Thalhalla, Alanna leads an escape attempt by kicking Khund warriors in their Khund testicles. Her escape doesn't last long though because she soon finds herself in a room with Adam Strange. Too bad she doesn't know that Lord Byth is running this show and he has the ability to change into any creature he chooses. Right down to their special abilities. So Alanna isn't going to be able to tell this isn't Adam Strange even if he begins doing that special Canadian thing he does to her butthole that she loves so much.

I would normally thoroughly enjoy Hawkman losing an arm like this but since it's at the hands of Twat Lobo, it loses a little something.

The story keeps jumping back and forth between Canada and super outer space. You know, how comic books always do! Except maybe the Canada part. They rarely ever take place in Canada unless the words "Flight" and "Alpha" are on the cover. I just mention that because the next picture I'm going to scan in is back in Canada! I just didn't want anybody to be too terribly confused about the whole jumping back and forth thing. I suppose it gives the reader the sense that all of this action is happening simultaneously. It's a much better effect than forcing the reader to read both parts at the exact same time.

I've always liked Buddy Baker and never cared about Oliver Queen. But fuck it if Lemire isn't making me love the idea of him in this.

This might be the best Justice League title out there and it's only had two issues so far! I can see Animal Man and Green Arrow quickly becoming my favorite comic book pairing! Look out Booster and Beetle, you've got some competition! Although my real favorite duo is Ambush Bug and Cheeks. But I don't think that counts for some reason that Ambush Bug could probably explain to me.

Before the team can catch up to J'onn and Stargirl, they've turned the elemental into kindling. But even then, it continues to try to form a humanoid shape. As Green Arrow is about to burn it up with a Cigarette Lighter Arrow, the entire team (plus the sentient kindling) is transported to the planet Rann. One of those moons is probably Thalhalla. Maybe I should type the name of the moon correctly so I don't actually think it's called Thalhalla next month. No, fuck it. I can't remember names anyway. I'll just stick with my own!

Lord Byth really, really, really wants to try that special Canadian thing.

After Lord Byth is rejected, he decides to introduce Alanna to the reason he and Twat Lobo are collecting creatures from all over the universe.

Really? Justice League Canada is going to have to battle a baby? That baby is fucked!

I hope Byth gives Ultra the Multi-Alien a real name. Like Ace!

Justice League United #1 Rating: +4 Ranking. Best Justice League so far! If you need more reasons why it's a good read, go read a real review on Comic Vineyard. This comic review site is akin to getting shitfaced while hanging out under the bleachers at the Homecoming Game.

Justice League United #0

Here's hoping this title can find its own voice before it's yanked into a bunch of DC crossovers where it plays second fiddle to the crossover's plot, loses all semblance of its own identity, and crashes in a burning, flaming, toxic heap of suck. You know, like what DC did to Justice League of America.

Judging by this cover, it looks like Justice League America is simply going to keep a few members while it acknowledges that it isn't the only nation on the North American landmass. It's going to begin representing Canada as well. But fuck Mexico. Can you imagine anybody reading this comic book if a brown person were on the cover?!

Although that woman that looks like a refugee from the Legion of Super-heroes might be tinted a bit brown. Or else she's slightly pinker! It's hard to tell. I guess J'onn is green, so that's diversity, right? Except have you noticed that when he disguises himself as a human, it's usually a Caucasian? Probably because he doesn't want to be hassled by the cops when he's in disguise.

This issue's story is called "Justice League Canada" and it's part one of a five part story. So it seems like Justice League United will be about Justice Leagues all over the world? Each time a new one is spotlighted, we'll get a new little flag image in the "D" of United? That seems like a pretty good idea. And starting with Canada, it eases people into the idea since most of the members of a Canadian Justice League will be Americans and/or aliens and/or hockey players.

This issue introduces Adam Strange for the first time to The New 52, and his wife Alanna. I mean his girlfriend! No way is DC going to allow two members of Team Canada to be married, right? For some reason, Green Arrow was still wanted and Supergirl is not a Red Lantern. Also, everybody is alive, so I guess Forever Evil ended on a happy note.

The issue also begins three days in the future and millions of light years away from Earth. You know what that means, right? Time to flash back to the present!

Why the fuck did this series begin with Issue Zero?! Especially since it's Part One of Five? Stupid!

Adam Strange barges to the front of the line because he thinks he's more important than adults in brightly colored tights. He has "real" business. It involves his grad student, Alanna, disappearing. What appears, though, is Alanna is a grad student of his! Hey, Adam, have you maybe thought about keeping your Professor dick out of your student vaginas? No matter how much it seems "love" is blossoming, you're actually exploiting a student's feelings of respect and infatuation with a trusted, authority (and let's not leave out father) figure. Not that I know anything is currently going on! But knowing Preboot history, I have my suspicions!

Dr. Adam Strange found an oddly shaped skull (which Stargirl immediately judges as "gross" because she can't help judging everyfuckingbody by their looks) and a device that he knows nothing about. So a device that he probably shouldn't have brought with him to a convention full of people! Also a device that probably shouldn't have gotten through security unless it had been under the arm of an attendee in a Tank Girl cosplay. The device, of course, turns out to be dangerous. Or at least unpredictable.

The Sleestak cosplay is the best cosplay ever.

Animal Man and Stargirl decide they'd make the best Brave and Bold or World's Finest team up ever, so they decide to help out Adam Strange. They travel to the archaeological dig where Alanna disappeared. That's when Animal Man decides, with a person missing, to make fun of the Canadian's accent. Perhaps that's part of an Arctic Fox's abilities. Or inabilities! The inability to refrain from smart-ass comments.

That isn't sweet at all! It's a breach of trust! It's an abuse of the teacher/student relationship!

Meanwhile over on Moose Factory Island (possibly the best name of anywhere ever), the woman that looks like an outcast from the Legion of Super-heroes battles a creature called the Whitago. Maybe that's the Moose Cree First Nation equivalent of the Wendigo! Also, this woman, Miiyahbin, is Moose Cree First Nation! So she isn't pinkerer on the cover at all. She really did have more of a Korugarian hue than a Native American, so you can understand my confusion. Or you can't! Whatever!

While Keewahtin (or whatever her super hero name will end up being if she's more like Apache Chief and less like Shazam) realizes she just hallucinated the Whitago (or had a vision or something), Animal Man, Stargirl, and Adam Strange are attacked by aliens speaking gibberish. They're saved by Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter, as unlikely as Green Arrow saving anybody sounds.

Buddy Baker and I have things in common.

Green Arrow says mean things about Animal Man which I personally take offense to. Why do people have to be so mean sometimes?! If you can't say something nice about a character I like then don't say anything at all, you stupid bow-wielding useless piece of shit scumbag bastard fuckfaced fuck.

After Buddy proves he's too civilized to respond to Green Arrow's comments, the super heroes discover aliens beneath the surface. They're planning bad things! I think according to the beginning of this comic, they plan on birthing a destroyer of worlds! Isn't that always the way? That's why I'm guessing it! Because it's always the way!

The villain behind it all: BYTH!

According to the Ancient Parchment of Who's Who, Byth was once the greatest thief on the planet Thanagar. Which is probably why he's stationed on the Thanagarian moon of Thalsalla. He also has the ability to transform into any creature he's ever seen with access to all of the creature's abilities. Does that mean he'll be a good match-up for Animal Man?

Alanna has been captured by Byth and placed in a cell with dozens of other captives. Byth sends his main man to dispose of the captives. That main man is actually the Twat Main Man, Twat Lobo. And before he can kill all of the prisoners, he'll have to kill the biggest prisoner of them all!

Twat Hawkman.

Justice League United #0 Rating: I think I'll rate this one a little higher than better than half the other DC titles. It's still a bit early to tell but I like the make up of the group so far. Buddy Baker is a bit of a joker but mostly a nice guy that might be slightly naive. Perfect for Team Canada! Green Arrow is an arrogant young stud that continues to think, for some reason, his bow and arrows are an efficient weapon against super villains. Stargirl is inexperienced but willing to give everything to help those in need. She is a bit superficial though. Martian Manhunter is the steady voice, the experience leader. He's perfect to keep this young group under control without being grim and overbearing. I don't know enough about Mii. It's possible she's a new incarnation of an older character but I don't recognize her. Maybe she's Whitago! And Adam Strange is an interesting character to bring into the mix. I can't say I was ever truly excited to see him team up with Superman but they always wound up having exciting adventures in space. So with him on the team (and judging how this book began), I'm hoping Justice League Canada winds up fighting across space more often than across tundra.