Batman Eternal #27

Catwoman's grip is a little too high.

I forget who the new, crazy receptionist is over at Arkham Asylum but she doesn't know how to use a chair. Which is a good thing because she's super sexy sitting on the floor with her business casual skuit (is that the proper name for a skirt suit?) that she shrunk in the laundry. Unless she's wearing a Halloween costume: Sexy Receptionist! I hope Batman fights her later. In a hot tub.

Underneath Arkham are some strange looking inmates that are probably trying to escape from The Joker's Daughter and/or Maxie Zeus's reign of insanity. Oh, I should have said "insane reign!"

These inmates are Coughtopus, The Rude Dinner Guest, and Speckles.

Killer Croc meets up with these inmates and mentions that they have something called "the black-infection." That sounds an awful lot like the reason my racist cousin-in-law gave for selling his house.

I don't use the term racist incorrectly, I don't think. If not racist, what would be the correct term for a person living in a suburban, cul-de-sac neighborhood with dozens of identical houses who sells their house at a loss when a black family moves in nearby? I suppose you could call him a reverse house flipper?

Batgirl, having discovered that her father was still in Blackgate even though she brought evidence that would exonerate him all the way back from South America, has decided that she needs to speak with Commissioner Jason Bard. I don't use the term speak incorrectly, I don't think! Speak means to pummel somebody to within an inch of their lives while they scream in agony, right?

Batman and Catwoman are fighting gangs together for some reason. They must have just met up by accident and Batman decided he needed Catwoman's help more than he needed to lecture her.

Catwoman can handle "most" anything thrown at her? Most? But not all? I think Batman just alluded to Catwoman not being able to handle his cock.

I also don't think Catwoman would have thought pole dancing classes were "a bitch." Is she saying that stripping is harder work than climbing buildings, running around rooftops, sneaking into museums, fighting maniacs, and flirting with Batman? Ridiculous.

Later at Gotham Child Services, there is a revelation that perhaps was revelated earlier but I missed it. Jade, the girl that Killer Croc has been trying to bring back into his people's fold, is a McKillabody. That means she's related to the new Two-Face!

Oh wait! I spoke too soon. Batman has decided Catwoman needs a lecture!

Batman is going to be so angry when Catwoman is finally running Gotham!

Batman, being a gigantic idiot, needs to believe that Catwoman is ultimately a good person who will wait for him until he's ready to settle down and have a Robin with her. But why would Catwoman want to be with a man who only wants her when she acts the way he needs her to act? Batman may be able, one day, to control Gotham so that everybody feels safe. But Catwoman isn't his fucking city.

I really want a monthly title called Batman Loves Catwoman where she has all the power because she just likes fucking him but he's completely in love with her and desperately trying to get her to change her ways. I want a Batman/Catwoman comic that shows Batman doesn't get everything he wants.

Or just continue to have Selina pining for a Batman that isn't emotionally dead inside.

Why is Catwoman bringing home a stray cat? Oh! It's CAT-woman! Not CATWO-man! Goddammit, Ann Nocenti! You've had the character wrong all this time!

Killer Croc realizes Dragos Ibanescu now has Jade McKillagain so he's hunting him. Meanwhile, Dragos has partnered with Mr. Boner to use Jade to lure Catwoman to them because they both want Catwoman dead. That means Dragos and Mr. Boner are probably going to be in the hospital soon and Catwoman will be taking most of their business for herself.

Penny-Two has yet to learn to keep her mouth shut when it comes to Catwoman the way Penny-One has, so she keeps asking Batman intensely personal questions that Batman thought he'd never have to answer again once he got all of the women out of his life. Why do women need to know so many details all of the time?! Can't they be happy with the still waters of a man's expression that give no indication of what he's feeling or thinking or if he's even alive? Why isn't a grunt enough of an answer whenever they ask how a man's day went? Jesus. Do men actually need to participate in relationships?! That's asking way too much.

To keep from answering questions about his relationship (which isn't really a relationship!) with Catwoman, Batman nearly kills a man named Flamingo by forcing him to crash his motorcycle. Even if Flamingo had died from his injuries, it wouldn't have been Batman's fault since Spoiler set up the entire thing just to leave a secret note to Batman.

I first read that as #buttwrecker.

The issue finishes up with Batgirl dropping Jason Bard from a great height (because you can't go wrong with a person falling to their deaths cliffhanger!) and Catwoman about to get a taste of the bat's boner. I mean, Mr. Boner's bat!

Batman Eternal #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was better this issue although Catwoman's butt was wrecked in a few panels. #buttwrecker

Futures End: Batgirl #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Dis day, Alice B Toklas woulda been da same age Old Goggs be on da day dat Alice was corpsed: nineteens. Nah, nah. Goggs ain't gonna git alla dat maudlin' und depressive-like finkin' on what happen mit dat Wazzerman bassard. Dat duster ain't worf talkin bouts no mores, sees? But Goggs still wanna talk bout Alice cause she was my fuckity light, gets it? Dat shinin' city on a hill Prof said we was makin? It shinin' acause a her, sees? She were everting ta me back den. Lost it all whens I lost her, sees? Gived it all up: Saint Lois, home, friends, sanity. No fight leff affer dat, so I's jess walked away. But I learned...mayhaps not hows ta make it rights cause it ain't ever gonna be right, not mit Alice, but I learned ta makes it counts fer somefin, if'n I can. So tonight's for Alice B Toklas.

Dis here aging Goggles don't right remember her name, if'n she ever even gived it up at us. Fuckit, I wadn't even Goggles backs den, ja? Dey all jess calls me Em. The Prof da one come up with calling dat little mite "Alice B Toklas." He said, dis what he said: "You are the sweetest thing I ever did see: smile like sugar, skin like melting chocolate, and you make us all happier than a hippie in the parking lot of a Dead show dreamily seeking a miracle. You're our little brownie, sweetie. Out little Alice B Toklas brownie." I askeded the Prof what he meant by dat but he jess smiled and he said, "If all this crap hadn't gone down, Em...if the world had lasted just one semester longer, you would have understood. Maybe when things calm down a bit, we'll dig out that syllabus and we'll start classes up again. Just you and Alice, Jack and Macy, Kim, Cassie, and Little Tokyo. You seven are the only students I give a fuck about now." But fings didna calm down, and The Prof didna stick around anydust. He warned us about dem assholes come inta our city, and we too stubborn ta lissen. Thunked we was strong bitches, us. But one lesson Prof a'eady knew dat we was alla alls us too young y passionates ta know, ya gots ta keep watch out for number uno. Ain't ever gonna be no good ta noduster if'n ya corpse it jess so ya donna look like no coward. Course, Old Goggs never thunked Prof was a coward, not any minute, ever. Dem mens what came...dey was gunnin fer da Prof first second dey seen him. Knowed his power by sight and dey wouldna stopped til dey corpsed him hard.

Anydust, Old Goggs gettin' too close ta dat bad shit. Onny memember da times afore Prof were pretend eaten, sees? Jess gonna let dat uvver shit sink deep, deep, deep inta dat ocean of time, feels her? Git it gone. Fuck it all und jess memember dat smile Alice had could light up da stinkin' dark und cut straight frough da dust any minute.

So fer Alice's birfday, Old Goggs gonna read a funfun littyrapture book by one a her favorite writers, Gail Hersimone. Dis written in dem Formertimes afore Dynamite Jizzbang got dere grubby, cumstained legal chains on Hersimone und key-throwed her updown in da basements of dere wank book factory. Knowit, Alice pobably still likem dat stuff Hersimone crankin' outta Dynamite Jizzbang. Dat shit gute fer a laugh even if'n ya ain't inta spank material.

I fink dis same scene appeared in "Red Sonja and the Temple of the Big Clitted Lesbian Man-Cannibals." 'cept replace Batsgirl mit Red Sonja und da man's face mit a vagina.

Alice woulda had a bigbig smile over Goggs readin' dis partikular Batsgirl funfun book dis minute, feels me? Sees, it be bout how Batsgirl losem someduster she heartbroke over to da city she bigbig keen on. But den she stoppem lovin' dat city acause it tooked away her shining light, see? Und den Batsgirl broked, und went away, and didna know how she ever gonna come back, even if'n she awanted to.

The Goddess oncet telled dis story. It weren't bout da Secret but it similar-like in natures, sees? She says dat ever ting we reads, ever ting we 'sorbs und takes in from da cultures all 'round us, it always come ta us at da right times. So if'n ya open up ta da unyverse und ya 'cept dat yer in complete control a yer own self und ever dang ting dat happens ta youse, den when ya picks up somefin like dis here Batsgirl book, it gonna contain 'zactly what youse need ta read rights now, at dis minute. Since dis minute da onny one dat counts, how coulds it be different, ja? Und looks like dis book gonna mirrorize all updown Goggs and Alice und whats we went frough. The Prof use ta calls it, "Synchronicity." He said some young guy coineded dat term.

Spit! Dat little one be nearly da shittin' image of Alice!

Dese Batsgirls workin' fer dat one use ta be da mains Batsgirls but now she some crazy Bane wanna be French monster fing. I fink she's tryin' too hard. Ja, ja, Goggles didna react much diffentlike when her city a Saint Lois betrayed her. But I didna put on no dumb dumb luchadore mask und disappears myself inta my rage. Okay, okay...sos I did puts on da swimmers goggles und disappeared myself inta The Dusty Stretches wheres I almos' died too many times ta counts. But da goggles were ta protect my eyes, sees it! Mayhap Batsgirl gots somefin wrong mit her face dat she needs ta cover up mit da mask. Like maybe she cain't stop cryin'!

Hmm. Dynamite Jizzbang mus' nots be haffin' ta twistem Hersimone's arm too much if'n dis be da dialogue she uz writin' in da Formertimes.

Und fuckity talkin' bout synchronicity, ja? Check dis one.

Dust y goggles! Fuckity Alice B Toklas would be screaming updowns mit laughter y tears.

Batsgirl's journey drived her further inta violence y madness den Old Goggs' journey. Old Goggs journey was more like summer camp. But Goggs had a'eady been frough da violents and da constant fighting und she finded it had too high a cost. It was also mucho easier den what she learned updown in Buzztown. Dat pacifist shit? Dat patience crap? Dat violence onny in self defense horsedick she learned dere? Fuckin' hardest fing she ever doned. But now Old Goggs knows what counts und if ol' Shortstuff ever challenged her ta da mortal kombats da way Bane challengem Batsgirls, Old Goggs could jess show him da middle fingers und git on mit her life. Ain't nobody draggin' Old Goggs onta a battlefield of dere own choosin'. Battlefields be outdated anydust. So last Formertimes. Goggs gots a new, two-dicked plan. First dick: she gonna live her life how she wanna live her life mitout carin' if'n she ever git revenge or tear down dem richies bullscat way a life. Second dick: if she am gonna corpse dat fucker and his fuckity richie cohorts, she gonna do it all at once mit one fuckity flip of da switch. When da time come, dere world ain't gonna end mit a bang. It ain't gonna end in fire. It ain't gonna end in ice. It jess gonna slip away outta dere grasp all at once. Dey gonna be lef scratchin dem balls und finkin, "What da fuq jess happerned?"

Well, actuallike, mayhap dere might be a teensy weensy bit of fire.

Batsgirl finds her ways again affer confrontsing Bane but mos'ly acause she cloudcleared her own minds durin' da fisticuts. She was mourning und now she's not. She gots friends und directions und hope. I gets dat. Old Goggs gits it. She was sick mit sadness fer a long fuckity time. Even affer dat day she uz pickeded up in dat rockin' y rollin' drunken VW bus by Grant and da ovvers, she was lost in da overwhelmin' grief und despair. But fuck if dey didn't make her smile minutes affer. Took a lotsa lotsa minutes, sures. But Old Goggs had a cloudclearin' of her own some round trips back. Ever since, she knowed, knowedit good, dat revenge weren't necessary. Not in dese here Dusty Stretches where nearly nuffin' matters at all.

It, strictly speakings, weren't necessary. But fuckity fuck, it sure gonna be a fun hobby. Anydust, Happy Birthday, Alice. Loves ya, serious.

Nightwing #30

Is this issue going to begin in a cemetery fake burying Dick Grayson?

This issue begins in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I've said it before and I'll say it again and then I'll probably forget I said it two times already and I'll say it once more before probably saying it a few more times later but the name "Democratic Republic of Congo" is trying way to hard to sound like a free country! The name of the issue is "Un Cheval Pale" except the "a" in "pale" has a little carrot arrow thing on top of it. I think that punctuation mark is called "the beanie." It probably causes the "a" to be pronounced as if you were choking on a load of snot slowly sliding down the back of your throat. This issue is called that because a load of killers and assassins roam the Democratic Republic of Congo tuering and assassinering gens. They call themselves Die Faust Der Kain because the title was too French and they wanted to not only create mort people but also Totes! And pale horses and fists of Cains are pretty good signs that death is coming right at you!

Gross! I guess they liked to fick the corpses in le cul!

Doctor Thompkins is rescued by a Hannibal's Secret model with purple wings and no bra. She takes her to be interrogated by a man with a face like quicksand. She tells them about a seminal moment in her life involving a young child and his dead parents. Don't worry! Seminal has nothing to do with sex like it might sound! At least not in the way I used it! I didn't mean she had a moment in her life that was covered in semen involving a child and his dead parents. That might fly over in an Image comic book but DC is all about family entertainment and dead sidekicks! She also believes she might have told these people too much! And that could be bad since they work for Spyral.

This is why Alfred usually murders people who discover Batman's secret identity. Alfred's motto is "What Batman doesn't know can't hurt him, but what other people know, can." It's actually half motto, half rationalization for his love of serial killing.

Later, Alfred's fucking heart is broken because Batman won't let him in on the secret that Dick Grayson didn't die. Bruce, you're a monster! You might think you're protecting Alfred and Dick by convincing everybody Dick is dead, but what you're really just doing is destroying him. You're destroying yourself and your relationships! Remember how often keeping things from the people closest to you worked out when they discovered you were keeping things from them? In seventy five years, I'd be able to count how many times it worked on my fingers even if I'd been in a major farming accident with an augur and lost both hands! But that's why, as I mentioned in a previous commentary, Bruce's motto (he has one too!) is "Keep your friends in the dark and your enemies in Arkham."

Batman and Dick spar without any shirts on and everybody that is into two hot, sweaty guys wrestling without any shirts (I'd estimate that's about 98% of everybody) say, "Homina homina homina." Then, even though they're curious to find out what kind of mission Batman has for Dick that needs him to stay dead, they go and relieve their sexual tension in whatever their favorite way of relieving sexual tension is (I'd estimate 98% of the 98% rubbed a cat on their genitals).

Batman wants Dick to remain dead and infiltrate Spyral.

And it must be really important to him because the Batmobile isn't the only thing smashed in the sparring. Damian's Robin Suit Memorial. The Batplane. A giant die. The Batcycle. A question mark. A bunch of computers. Even the dinosaur loses some teeth.

Not only does Batman not care that Alfred's heart is breaking, Batman doesn't care that Alfred is going to have to clean up this fucking mess! I bet Alfred discovers some of Dick Grayson's blood as he's cleaning. And since Alfred has tended the wounds of Dick and Bruce and Jason and Tim for more years than he can count (he's getting old and can't count very high anymore), he'll probably recognize it immediately. "Why, that's Master Grayson's blood! I'd know those erythrocytes anywhere!"

Dick eventually agrees to infiltrate Spyral. But not because it will save the heroes from having their identities exposed. And not because Batman asked him to do it. He'll do it so he can hide from Dan Didio. Maybe if he's in a comic book called "Grayson," he'll be able to fly under the radar and Didio will stop going around trying to get him killed off.

Grayson goes around the world taking out members of The Fist of Cain until Spyral notices him and recruits him. They know he was Nightwing and now they have use for him. Somehow. Maybe they need circus entertainers for a festival.

Nightwing #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. It was a fitting end to the story that was being told. Hopefully Dick will find friends in Spyral that will make him happy! I don't like that Nightwing won't be interacting with the rest of the super heroes of the DC Universe. I doubt that will last long though. Secrets never keep in the DC Universe. They just remain secret when the story needs them to be secret and then they're not secret at all when a writer forgets they're supposed to be secret. It gets a little confusing when DC creates a bunch of covert, black ops organizations but everybody fucking knows about them all. Let's see how long they can keep Dick and Task Force X secret now that they've rebooted them! My guess is two months! And not starting with their next first issues! I mean starting now!

Batgirl Annual #2

Hopefully those skulls belong to Condor and Starling.

Some people might wonder why, in the caption above, I've placed Starling on the same level as Condor. Well, that's easily explained. The only Starling stories I've ever read have been in The New 52. Even with all the shit characters Lobdell has written, Swierczynski still has the record for writing two of my most hated characters in The New 52: Starling and Condor. If she was ever entertaining or not annoying or able to actually hit a target that she was aiming at, I wouldn't know. Condor continues to suck under the guidance of Christy Marx but I think that's because she's remaining true to the character Swierczynski created. Starling ran off with Mr. Freeze rather quickly after Marx took over and hasn't been seen since. So I really do hope one of those is her skull.

You know which other characters Swierczynski wrote badly? Poison Ivy. Batgirl. Black Canary. Katana. Did I miss anybody? I do miss referring to his Birds of Prey as the Turds of Prey though. That was super mature of me!

This issue begins by showing how Batman's bad habits have rubbed off on every other hero in Gotham.

Are skylights paned in candy glass in Gotham?

Has there ever been a story where the glass from the skylight has fallen and cut the bad guys into ribbons? I suppose on those nights, Batman just slinks off back into the shadows and lets the Gotham Police happen upon an unfortunate accident. Unless the building is owned by Wayne Enterprises and then he has to call in Alfred to clean up the mess and throw the bodies in the bay.

This Birds of Prey story takes place well before Condor was an idea that should have been passed on. So Starling, Katana, and Poison Ivy are still on the team. I still don't know why this team was formed! I think Black Canary was either lonely or she was being paid to babysit Starling, Katana, and Poison Ivy.

The team is currently battling Mr. Rain for some reason. Black Canary won't say why and Batgirl trusts that her reasons are sound because Batgirl has yet to live through that whole Turds of Prey debacle. The others don't need a reason to beat the shit out of and, just possibly, kill some bad guys. Starling just came along to shoot the wall as often as possible.

Well then. Blades and guns probably weren't the most appropriate weapons to bring to the throw down.

This story is called "When Pamela Gets Blue" which is probably a clue as to what it's about. I guess Pamela is going to get blue. She does get a message from Mr. Rain and then tries to kill everybody in a story (not told here) that I think involved a plane or a rain forest and probably a whole bunch of people getting amnesia. And by "people," I mean the readers of the story.

And that's the end of season one. I mean, after Alysia screws Barbara by making her help with a lousy community garden project. That's set up so the next season can begin with Alysia showing off her tomatoes.

My guess is that eating pancakes in your sleep might be scaring off the potential suitors.

Barbara points out how people might wind up stealing the fruits and veggies which causes Alysia to take off her panties and bunch them up really tight. She tells Babs that the garden is for anybody who wants or needs anything from it, so why doesn't Babs take her fascist talk of ownership and shove it up her father's asshole. Maybe she says it with a little more tact. But she does have a point. Ownership is theft! But Babs has a point too! Because the people who believe in ownership are going to steal every vegetable in the garden to sell to the people that Alysia wants to give it to for free! If I had to pick which one of these two were currently being unreasonable, I'd pick Barbara because I like Alysia better.

After Alysia self-righteously walks out on her roommate, Barbara pees on the crops. Then later, she goes out as Batgirl to run into Poison Ivy! They're both searching for Mr. Rain but I have a feeling they're seeking him for very different reasons.

Yes. Well sure. Why don't we call "asking around and gathering evidence" "intuition"?

Poison Ivy accidentally finds Batgirl's weakness when Pamela tells her that she's pregnant. Batgirl immediately falls on her face and would have been dead if Poison Ivy wanted to kill her. She'll have to remember that bit when she does want to kill Batgirl at a later date.

I'd say you're not arresting her because you don't have the authority to arrest her. You might have the ability to tie her up against her will and leave her for the police. But let's not start pretending that's the usual legal process.

Poison Ivy hasn't turned blue yet! Although she does point out that she didn't mean she was literally pregnant. She meant she was some other kind of pregnant! Metaphorically! Or analogically! Or similillically! Which is a good thing because I was afraid she might have been impregnated by Clayface when he raped her over in Detective Comics #15.

What Poison Ivy meant was that she's just become more powerful. Now instead of just kissing people and making them do her will, she can now stab them through the face with a vine as quickly as she can think it. Sure, okay. So she's more powerful but at the cost of being way less sexy. Unless you're into being stabbed in the face. I don't want to marginalize the "stab me in the face while you fuck me hard" crowd. For them, Poison Ivy is probably a dream woman now!

Poison Ivy and Batgirl discover a warehouse full of scarred corpses and Poison Ivy points out how she's going to check the "Fern" box when the next census comes out and asks for her race. And that's the end of summer!

The best season begins and everybody gets cupcakes because it's my birthday season! Yay! Also the temperature is the most mild and the kites are screaming to be flown (the best kites ask to fly in autumn because summer is full of kite flying poseurs) and there are probably kittens everywhere! Also Batgirl and Poison Ivy are still hunting for Mr. Rain. Again, probably for very different reasons!

Yeah! It's not always lethal! Sometimes she just uses it to get better grades on her final exams.

I'm also not sure how "crashing through skylights" and "kicking in doors" constitutes a fetish for stealth!

Oh shut up, you actualliers! I know they're stealthy right up until the moment of surprise when they crash through very expensive construction materials to catch the bad guys off-guard! I'm not a full-blown moron!

Batgirl and Poison Ivy find out what Mr. Rain is doing with his subjects. He's implanting them with something that grows inside them and gives them a few more months to live. But then that something is taken out and given to somebody rich enough to pay for it. I don't know what that something does. Makes them stronger? Healthier? Allows them to live longer? Just as long as they keep paying for it.

Batgirl gets angry at Poison Ivy for not crying over some stranger that's dying due to Mr. Rain's experiments. No wait. The guy was dying anyway. The guy was able to live for a little while longer. Anyway, he's dying and it makes Batgirl sad because she's way too emotional. Poison Ivy doesn't give a fuck about this guy and I'm totally with her on that! I think Batgirl is the one acting a bit crazy. Isn't Poison Ivy's apathetic reaction to the death of a stranger that chose to be a criminal to live a little longer the more normal reaction? It's definitely the one I have!

How dare you, Barbara Gordon!

Batgirl isn't judging Poison Ivy on her inability to feel for some stranger that chose his fate. She can't be because that would be ridiculous! She must still be hurting because Poison Ivy turned on her. But even in the face of the revelation that Poison Ivy suffers from SAD (and, seriously, can there be a more apt person to suffer from it? Genius idea!), Batgirl judges Pamela's emotional reaction to the man's death as insufficient. Duh! You just fucking realized her emotional capabilities are intertwined with the changing of the seasons! So in reality, Batgirl must still be pissed at how Ivy treated their blossoming friendship. Although she treated it that way because of her Seasonal Affective Disorder, you dumb Batjerk!

I think Babs will come around to understanding all this by the time winter comes along. She has to work through her emotions (maybe with the help of some cookies from Alysia) before she can begin to come to terms with Poison Ivy's problems.

Also, Poison Ivy does care about the stranger but only because the stranger cared about his daughter and it reminded Ivy that her father never cared for her (as seen in Poison Ivy #1, on sale nowhere anymore! I mean, probably digitally! But you won't get the extra special migraine from trying to masturbate to the cover). So Ivy puts the guy out of his misery by kissing him right on the mouth!

This is what happens when you allow Gail Simone to push the boundaries on what is acceptable in a comic book! Now plants and people are having sex! Oh wait. That's already happened more than once over in Swamp Thing. Never mind.

Kissing isn't actually sex! If you think it is then you've probably had sex with your mother and your father and your aunts and your uncles and many, many babies. You pervert.

And finally Winter is here and Mr. Rain had better watch out because the end of the comic book is near! The first thing to happen is Alysia's community garden has been destroyed. The worst part is that they wrote "go home hippies" on the wall of the shed using their own shit. Gotham City is full of maniacs.

Batgirl finds Ivy and she's finally blue! She's nearly frozen and just barely keeping it together in the dead of winter. But she's found Mr. Rain. She needed Batgirl's help because she knows Batgirl will take her to Arkham where she can be safe through the winter. Mr. Rain tries to get Poison Ivy on his side by telling her he can cure her and she kicks his ass. The last thing any of us want to be told by some rich person with a drug is that they can cure us. That somehow the person we are is flawed or diseased or simply put together incorrectly.

Batgirl's lucky Ivy didn't go full tilt Poison Ice on her ass last Autumn.

On the way to Arkham, Batgirl has Poison Ivy fix up the community garden by growing lots of shit that shouldn't be grown in Gotham City at all, especially during the winter! I'm fairly certain the Swamp Thing got a new hemorrhoid or two due to this abuse of the Green.

Batgirl Annual #2 Rating: I don't rate Annuals. I usually say something extra stupid here. But this one time, I want to say something about the actual comic book. Seasonal Affective Disorder being at least partially responsible for Poison Ivy's behaviour is one of the greatest character moves I've seen so far in The New 52. It's right up there with Tomasi's reboot of Two-Face. It's much better than Bennett's creation of Twat Lobo but not quite as good as her introduction of Arkham Night Nurse! And a bazillion times greater than Swierczynksi's creation of Condor! Also, if this issue and the Poison Ivy issue of Harley Quinn aren't proof that Pamela is a lesbian then I'm going to need more proof, I guess. Lots and lots more proof!