Twat Lobo #10

The Last Tango Before Sinestro Lost His Butt Cherry.

I thought all of the Twat Lobo/Sinestro crossover hype was going to be about them battling each other to a draw, Stan Lee style. But instead they're going to be the best friends ever. It makes sense because they're basically the same character with just enough shallow bullshit slopped on them for careless readers to think they're different. The ultimate problem with having a villain be the star of a monthly comic book is that villains need story arcs. Heroes can go on and on and on basically being the same person while constantly saving people from the next disaster. But villains need a story where they ultimately succeed or fail and then that's it. It's done. If they succeed in their vile plans, I suppose they can think up a new plan but since modern comics only have one speed, the villain's initial plan will be something like "control the universe" and what's left to plan after that? Squashing rebellions across various systems? Realizing that ultimate control wasn't what they really wanted and that, ultimately, they were just looking for their mother's love and their father's approval?

I understand that Cullen Bunn is trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro more like anti-heroes but that's bullshit too. Giving assassins and mercenaries like Twat Lobo and Deathstroke "codes" or "ethics" ultimately betrays what the fans like most about these kinds of characters. They want them to be ruthless killing machines. But they all have to have a Punisher's sense of right and wrong or else comic book companies don't think they're be palatable to a wide audience. People still exist who think the bad guy always needs to be punished.

I think DC Comics is going entirely the wrong way trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro cool to a young audience who they think only want sexy people acting bad-ass. I think Lobo works best as a mockery of himself. If the book is humorous and laughs at Lobo's trials and tribulations then it's okay for Lobo to be an inczarnian monster. That will never be Twat Lobo. Twat Lobo is being taken way too seriously. Some people hated that Lobo became a joke character. But those are people this blog isn't for because I'll never understand loving a character just because they represent some kind of super macho bullshit. Maybe DC Comics felt this way too which is why they thought turning Lobo into Twat Lobo was softening the super macho edge. Make him look like he cares about spa treatments and glowing tattoo fashions and he'll resonate more with today's androgynous oriented youth. I'd say it's only my opinion that that isn't the case but I also have Twat Lobo's sales to back up that it's not working. At all.

It's also possible that this version of Lobo could be awesome if only somebody else was writing it.

Somebody seems to like it well enough though because they've been defending it in the comments section of the Blogger version of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea:

I was expecting this to be a meh issue kind of like the others, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one. The bits where he talks about the blackness of space and about madness, both his own and that of the criminal elements that he's a part of, is pretty evocative. I really liked one panel where it depicts Lobo's face giving off a smug sneer as it seemingly blends in with the starry background behind him, almost as if implying that the darkness surrounding the stars and Lobo himself are one and the same.

The comment was from Anonymous but I suspect it's actually Cullen Bunn trying to explain the stuff that he couldn't fit into his 170 Narration Boxes for that issue. I get it, Your Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire! This shit is really deep!

Speaking of Narration Boxes...

I wonder if Cullen Bunn goes to art museums and plasters Post-it notes all over the exhibits?

I'm glad Twat Lobo explained the history of the Indigo Lanterns to me before he started killing them. It's always good to know why I should feel bad for the people Twat Lobo is ruthlessly murdering. His little bits of propaganda--like how he doesn't consider "compassion" an emotion or how these Indigos are just "soldiers" to be battled against--don't work on me because I don't like Twat Lobo anyway. Maybe if my belly were on fire as I gazed longingly at his tight abs and beautiful, tight little nipples, I'd buy whatever he was saying. But since that will never be the case, I should just move on to a panel that doesn't disgust me as much as one full of Narration Boxes.

Ah! That's better. No Narration Boxes! Only the implied future anal rape of Indigo-1 by a guy's bloody stump.

Twat Lobo rescues Indigo-1 by finishing the job of killing this Indigo Lantern who went back to being a killer and stump rapist himself after losing his ring that forces compassion and the inability to say anything other than "nok" onto him. But Twat Lobo didn't save Indigo-1's life so she could keep it. No, he just saved it so he could take it later.

Isn't the opposite of "nok" "Kon"? Who would want to be Superboy? He's terrible.

Maybe "nok" means "gay"? I would expect Twat Lobo to think of himself as the opposite of gay. Remember how he had all that heterosexual sex every issue ago? If Scott Lobdell were writing this comic book, Twat Lobo would be Omnisexual. I'm Nom-nom-nomnisexual which means I cannibalize all of my sexual partners. Not literally! More like emotionally and psychologically, leaving them a useless wreck and ruining their lives. But I'm totally upfront about it! When I meet a potential sexual partner, I always be sure to say, "I'm going to wreck you." And then I do! Utterly and completely!

And before you take the preceding paragraph too seriously, realize it was typed by a person who once looked like this:

I was fucking killing it that day.

Twat Lobo empties his bag of Indigo Lantern hands so Indigo-1 can appreciate, and then add to, his collection. But Indigo-1 is a total hater and wants nothing to do with helping Twat Lobo complete his set.

As Twat Lobo attacks Indigo-1, he Narration Boxes, "I've done my research on these guys. It's all about their rings--get those, and they're powerless." Whoa! He's really serious about his job! That must have taken around two seconds of research to make that ring connection! So that means the Indigo Lanterns are totally not any different than any other Lantern. Sure, some alien lanterns have innate powers due to their alien physiology. But if Twat Lobo cared about that kind of anomaly, he'd realize that the Indigo Lanterns probably have a few of those kinds of members just like any other Lantern Corps.

Indigo-1 commands one of the rings to slide onto Twat Lobo's finger (which is a bit rapey) which will make him a big softy. But he declares--in a Narration Box, of course!--that he's "a lobo" which means he won't fall for that sneaky trick. If this were the Real Deal Lobo, we'd get several issues of him being a giant dreadlocked huggy bear and it would be totally adorable and hilarious. But this comic book doesn't have time for whimsical bullshit! We're trying to be cool here! Everybody calm down and act distant and unaffected! That's better. Now it might not look like we're having any fun but just imagine how cool everybody thinks we are!

Twat Lobo bites off his finger so he doesn't become an Indigo Lantern. And just like that, Indigo-1 decides that she shouldn't try that again. He's got nine more fingers, Indigo-1! And ten toes! And a penis! At least make him bite off his own penis before you give up on this tactic! He's also got a tongue and a butthole. Don't the rings work if they're just shoved inside of a person?!

Indigo-1 teleports away and Twat Lobo's reaction would be laughable if I hadn't spent $2.24 on this comic book!

I thought you did your fucking research! The Indigo Lanterns teleport! It's practically all that they do! Teleport and hug (but not in the sexy kind of hugging the Star Sapphires do! No, the Indigos always pat you on the back as they hug)!

Twat Lobo reports back to Sinestro to point out that he failed to get Indigo-1's ring but the other Indigo Lanterns were too stupid to use their main ability to escape him. That's when Bekka begins to insult Twat Lobo like a good New God should but she is cowed by one glance from Sinestro. Oh, fuck that shit! This is going too far! Bekka is some lovestruck supporting actress now?! Not that I really care about the New Gods. But I figure the characters should be somewhat consistent as opposed to just being in the story in service to the lead characters.

Sinestro and Kadra (the Void Whisper leader who cowed Twat Lobo in the same way Sinestro cowed Bekka (I love the word "cowed." I hope I'm using and/or spelling it correctly!)) continue to negotiate their deal even though that's the kind of thing that should have been finished before Twat Lobo began killing Indigos. Kadra is all, "We should be paid a lot because you can't do it." And Sinestro is all, "Oh, I can do it but I just don't have time right now which is why I'm paying you the amount we already agreed upon and not a penny more, especially seeing as how Twat Lobo failed in his first attempt." And then Kadra is all, "Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut."

Even though Twat Lobo isn't finished with his Indigo job (and the Code says never to leave a job unfinished!), Twat Lobo now goes after the Red Lanterns. That means for the rest of the issue, he'll fail to kill Bleez and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus and Rankorr. Although I guess Cullen Bunn got the okay to kill Rankorr since he's fairly new and doesn't have a lot of fans. Twat Lobo kills Rankorr and then leaves Bleez alive because Twat Lobo suddenly doesn't know how to finish a job. Bleez heads back to Atrocitus to snitch on Twat Lobo. I guess the Red Lanterns are all back to hanging out with Atrocitus. They probably missed Dex-Starr as much as I did.

I probably could have spent more time on the Rankorr and Twat Lobo fight but I think I've done enough moaning about this issue.

Twat Lobo #10 Rating: No change. I almost typed "Sinestro #10 Rating" because isn't this more a Lantern title now? Isn't it really just more of that War of the Lanterns shit but with Twat Lobo doing all of the dirty work? The only reason Twat Lobo is involved with all of this ring crap is because the guy who writes the Twat Lobo book also writes the Sinestro book. That's the least organic link I can think of between these two characters! I could go on and on about how much I dislike the entire concept of this book, beginning with Twat Lobo's very first appearance with his "Sorry. Not Sorry" and "Screw you" directed at all of the old Lobo fans, but instead I'll just leave you with a picture from the front porch of my childhood home.

It's tiny because my mother scanned it and posted it to her Facebook. I think that's sufficient explanation, right?

World's End #11

Sonnet #WE11: "Father's Day"

Visage of stone which taught me how to act,
Ignoring all that I desired to be.
Imagination rectified to fact.
A miracle turned into pure fury.

A dream of God, a father far away,
Reminded me that I was not of stone
Nor flesh nor blood but love and spirit made,
Which merely left me feeling more alone.

Each voice commanded me to be like him.
And though a moth attracted to each flame,
I could not bow to each and every whim,
So chose escape and neither of their game.

And so a voice I'd known yet hardly heard
Whispered, "God and Father are both absurd."

World's End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets that ranking mostly because it was one full story instead of thirty different plot threads! And I apologize, after the fact, on some of my line stresses. But fuck it! It's 400 years after Shakespeare and even he didn't pay perfect fealty to the iambic pentameter over the message or the words he wanted to use. Besides, I only spent about forty minutes on this (including the reading and coming up with a theme and sorting the thoughts of each stanza and, well, you know...the words and syllables are the easy part!).

Justice League Canada #4

That's it! I quit!

This is the last straw, DC! Are you trying to drive me crazy? First you start off a comic book called Justice League United with Issue #0. But this Issue #0 doesn't have anything to do with any origins or retcons or secret shenanigans! It's just the first issue of a five part story arc! That, in itself, was practically intolerable! The name of the five part story is Justice League Canada because, for some reason, the characters are going to form a new Justice League with ties to Canada. Why? I don't know! And to prove that Canada was involved in a title called Justice League United, you stuck a maple leaf in the "D" in "United." But now you've gone and completely just changed the title of the comic book to Justice League Canada because you're just fucking with us at this point, aren't you? You do realize that some of us are uncomfortable with change and by pulling a stunt like this, you create psychic pain which results in the eventual beating of spouses, right? Stop being big jerkos, DC Comics! I can't stand how often you do minor, annoying things that barely matter which cause me to overreact in an irrational manner and expose my character flaws! You suck!

Oh! That's why they'll be affiliated with Canada! They'll probably use this as JLC Headquarters! Plus the free healthcare.

Miiyahbin has still not become a super hero. I think her name was going to be Twilight or Eclipse or Moonscalper or something. I think my brain is racist. It came up with "Moonscalper" without any prompting from me! Why is the working of the brain so mysterious that humans seem to separate themselves from their own thoughts sometimes? As if our identities aren't wholly wrapped up in our brains. What and who we are is the brain. You know what television show I already hate and it hasn't even aired yet? The Red Band Society. When that one fucking idiot says that they can't cut into your soul, I just want to reach deep into the television and slap his soul right across the face. Doctors can cut into your soul! It's called a lobotomy! Because the soul doesn't exist and it isn't who you are because it doesn't exist! You are your brain! And doctors can cut into brains, dumby! That show looks like excrement.

Sure, sure. We're, technically, more than our brain. Hormones, pain, the processing of various nutrients and chemicals: all of these things affect the way the brain works, essentially changing who we are by changes in the life support system of the brain (our body!). Even parasites and other organisms can radically alter our personality. It's all very complex. But that's what happens when you evolve into an organism that is really just a smorgasbord of specialized organisms living in a community that we regard as an individual. And out of all the pieces that make us who we are, not one of them is a soul.

Wouldn't it be interesting if the soul were actually a cosmic parasite that influenced all of our actions so that we lived in ways that helped sustain its life? Is that already a plot to a Philip K. Dick short story?

Meanwhile on Rann, people are arguing about the creation of Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds, and the death of Hawkman.

Shouldn't they be celebrating?

I guess the main conflict of the story ended last issue when Byth and Twat Lobo escaped? If that's the case, I admit I'm a bit surprised that was it. It's possible more shit can still go down on Rann but this is the last chapter of Justice League Canada, so we're going to have to get on with Horizon's origin. Unless her name was Shy Burrito. And then there's the scene where everybody signs contracts and waivers to be admitted to the team. And what about the part where Buddy Baker has to explain to his family how he's getting back into the super hero game?

Why does Martian Manhunter have a Trivial Pursuit playing piece on his chest? It must be Martian Trivial Pursuit because it has more wedges than the Earth version. Also all the wedges are the same color. I bet they're all questions about fire safety.

When did Supergirl become all emotionally mature and crap? Or is she just upset that she has competition for best bum on the team? I'm talking about Green Arrow's bum, not Stargirl's.

Hawkman has not yet come back to life. He lost an arm earlier and then he came back to life, so he should be coming back to life soon. No wait! He never came back to life after losing his arm in this comic book. That was in Futures End! Why is Hawkman's Futures End life paralleling his Justice League Canada life? I bet it means something! Maybe he's fated to lose his arm and die over and over and over again. Maybe he learned that was going to be his curse if he took up the mantle as Hakwman which is why Hawkman #1 began with him burning the suit. He was trying to outwit a prophecy.

Meanwhile in Canada, Alanna reveals that she and Adam Strange have already been married. That's not a good sign because DC can only have one married couple and Animal Man has taken that role. Alanna also decides to wear a Blue Space Suit similar to her husband's, so she's a super hero too now. I guess Alanna and Adam will be the Ralph and Sue of Justice League Canada. I was hoping Buddy and Ellen were going to have that job. See what happens when DC allows too many characters to be in long-term relationships?

Yay! The Dibny position is all Buddy and Ellen's!

Twat Lobo helps Byth steal Hawkman's body so Byth can extract the Nth metal. Twat Lobo does this so that he can learn the location of The Real Deal Lobo and destroy him. That's probably where the story will begin in the monthly series, Twat Lobo. On sale at all Twat Comic Book Stores in Twatember!

Miiyahbin says her magic word and becomes the First Nations superhero known as...well fuck it. I forget what she was supposed to be called and I should probably just stop guessing. Oh wait! Equinox! I think there is a lesson there. Just as I gave up, I discovered the truth! Giving up works!

Also, the rest of the team returns from Rann (except Adam Strange because he and Alanna are now in a weird long distance zeta beam relationship) and discuss forming the new team.

Well that's just fucking confusing now, isn't it?

Justice League Canada #4 Rating: No change. If they're going to name their team "Justice League" anything, forget stepping foot back in America. Batman will slap them with a trademark infringement lawsuit so quickly that they'll probably say something funny about how quickly they were slapped with the lawsuit. I think this team is well balanced! They have some really heavy hitters to be on the front line of any cosmic threat and then they have Green Arrow who hopefully has some broom and mop arrows because he's going to be spending a lot of time in the headquarters. Hopefully this series will be about creating various Justice Leagues across the globe so that we can see some B and C Listers making it onto Justice League Rosters. Maybe not as silly as Justice League Antarctica. But close! Fingers crossed! Does crossing my fingers mean that I'm hoping for crazy teams or that I'm lying about hoping for crazy teams?

Futures End #11

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KISS YOU NOW!"

The Non-Certified Spouse sent me a link to this Salon article yesterday because she wanted me to vomit, I suppose. Salon is one of those sites I can't stand even though I've probably read less than a handful of articles on it over the years. I just don't like news sites or pseudo-news sites or editorial sites masquerading as news sites or entertainment sites that I mistakenly call news sites. They're usually 90% advertisements which slow down my browser and remind me that suicide is always an option. But I went to read this article yesterday and it was one of the most self-congratulatory pieces I think I've ever read in my entire 532 year life of living darkness. I implore you all to read the entire thing even though the title and subtitle say it all.

I'm Sorry For Coining the Phrase "Manic Pixie Dream Girl"
In 2007, I invented the term in a review. Then I watched in queasy disbelief as it seemed to take over pop culture
By Nathan "I'm Sorry For Being Such A Pop Culture Genius That I Broke the Internet" Rabin

I understand being excited about creating a phrase that you subsequently see used over and over again by the masses. Don't forget, I was the one that came up with the term "onstage masturbation cage." Instead of writing a falsely apologetic article for creating a term that has been embraced by people in a way you didn't want it to be embraced, Nathan should have just written an article entitled, "I Wrote This Article To Mention How Cameron Crowe Knew My Name!" Then the main body of the article should have just been a picture of himself naked in a cage on a stage masturbating into his own mouth.

Oh wait! I just realized that this is when I coin the phrase "onstage masturbation cage!" Being a time traveler of living darkness tends to screw with my memories a bit. Anyway, the phrase describes the place where people call attention to themselves so they can apologize for something they did simply to remind everybody of that thing they did. Example: "Jesus fucking Christ? Is Nathan Rabin back inside his onstage masturbation cage?!"

I don't want to go through the whole process of registering at urban dictionary, so somebody that's already registered there, please enter "onstage masturbation cage" with my definition and example, okay? Thanks!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, here's an essay I just wrote:

I'm Sorry For Being So Good At The Internet
By Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP! EJACULATE! GUZZLE GUZZLE GUZZLE GUZZLE! BOW!

Okay, enough of that! Let me get out of my onstage masturbation cage and begin reading Futures End.

Grifter's sidekick whom we haven't seen since issue one (I believe), Justin, has finally decided that Grifter is officially missing. The plan when Grifter goes missing is to head down the street to where Voodoo hangs out, just where I said she'd be about ten commentaries ago.

Although I thought she'd be stripping. This is better.

Why wasn't Justin in the Grifter comic book when it was restarted for The New 52? I think I would have liked the book better if he'd had a nerdy sidekick helping him to kill aliens during the week and to play Dungeons and Dragons with on the weekends. I wonder if I can convince somebody at DC to use my game, Places and Predators, as the standard replacement for when they want to mention someone plays Dungeons and Dragons? And by "someone," I mean "Batman."

Meanwhile in Deepest Space, Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst are searching for the last living member of Stormwatch. I hope as they search, they learn something about the big menace from space because in monthly comic book years, Futures End has already lived nearly a year with no mention of an Evil Mr Smarty Pants (aside from Mister Terrific and Brother Eye who aren't really threats yet anyway).

While on the trip, we learn that Frankenstein doesn't have a sense of humor which is why he thinks Milton Berle was a poet. What a dumb dumb head!

Speaking of Milton Berle, it was kind of an urban legend about Soupy Sales that generated my blog name! He supposedly said, "If you see Kay," on his kids show. I don't remember when I first heard that but then years later, my friend Pickle Boy was trying to tell me how genius Britney Spears was for coming up with the song "If You Seek Amy." Granted, I like that better than "if you see Kay," but it doesn't make her a genius for coming up with something that's already been out there for decades! Anyway, I wanted my own "if you see Kay," so I came up with "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea." It's not as elegant but then I never claimed to be as smart as the urban legend version of Soupy Sales!

Speaking of poets like Milton Berle and Soupy Sales, my favorite poets are Louis CK and pretty much all the other poets in the Comedians of Comedy movie (which really should have been called Poets of Poetry). The best part of that movie is when the poets shop at my local comic book store!

Anyway, Hawkman crashes their ship almost immediately.

After surviving a free fall crash from orbit, it would be really embarrassing to die of smoke inhalation.

Frank probably doesn't need to worry about smoke but where there's smoke, there's FIRE! FIRE! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHH! BAD! BAD! FIRE!, so he should probably get out of the ship too.

They exit the ship to find that they've landed in some kind of metal crater. I hope they're on the home of The Cancelator so I stop being completely bored by this crap! Or, and this will satisfy me as well, a long, hot, steamy sex scene between Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst. Come on, DC. Let's shatter mainstream comic book expectations!

Although now that I've sat here and thought about the sex scene for the last few hours while forgetting about everything else I was doing, I wonder if Frank has a penis? If he doesn't have one, Hawkman can just cut off his and sew it onto Frank. Then Hawkman will just wait for the Nth metal to regrow his penis, and it's "Hello Sex City, Here We Come!"

Does Hawkman's Nth metal grow back every part of his body that was ever lost? That would mean he's definitely uncircumcised (which I expect is already the truth since I suspect every other race in the universe found a much more pleasant way of dealing with smegma). But does it mean his wisdom teeth keep crowding back into his mouth? What about his tonsils? Appendix? Anal hymen? That's a thing, right?

Back on Earth, The Mighty, Mighty, Morphin' Anger Ranger makes his debut outside ancient, forgotten ruins.

While the Justice League should probably be dealing with the new maniac in the Madagascar Sea, they're instead kidnapping civilians from strip clubs. The civilian in question is Ronnie Raymond and he was probably in a strip club to prove to himself that he's interested in putting his pee-pee inside a woman's vee-vee. He's not interested in that but he's desperate to convince himself he is because he and his life partner, Jason Rusch, have recently had a serious falling out.

So immature how he refers to "doing it" as "merging"!

Ronnie Raymond comes clean about being busy "with a girl" when Green Arrow was getting killed. I still think it's ridiculous that anybody is trying to blame him for Green Arrow's death! How about putting a little responsibility on the guy that goes to war armed only with a bow and arrow against foes with super powers? How about blaming The Flash for not getting their fast enough? Or Madame Xanadu for not seeing this future? Or Superman for not saving everybody always? How about blaming the person that actually killed Green Arrow?! I'm fairly certain a super hero that needs to merge two regular people is the last person on the list you can blame for not getting somewhere on time. Unless the two people were conjoined twins. Then there's no excuse for them not changing into Firestorm and getting the job done.

Raymond leaves the Justice League declaring emphatically that he's not gay and never will be. It's time for the team to find another Firestorm. That shouldn't be so hard! Remember how many Firestorms existed in the beginning months of The New 52?! Practically every country had one! There's got to be one still out there somewhere.

Futures End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying this comic book because it's weekly and it can keep up a pace that kind of slowly gets to the point of things. I suppose the writers have to carefully pace the story so that whatever needs to happen before September happens at just the right time. I think "just the right time" means the last Wednesday of August! Also, I can't wait until a few years from now when I can write an article entitled, "I'm Sorry For Inventing The Phrase "Onstage Masturbation Cage."

Justice League United #3

Is Batman on the cover because he's going to judge Justice League Canada for not inviting him to the party, or is this one of those "75 Years of Batman" covers?

Bruce Wayne has probably trademarked the name "Justice League" which is why Batman always has to involve himself somehow. Martian Manhunter has the trademark of the name on Mars which is why he's always butting in and trying to be a member as well. You've got to protect your trademarks or before you know it, Justice League Enema Kits! Although Bruce might let that infringement slide simply because they'd probably use Aquaman on the label.

I suppose this comic book is called "Justice League United" because it's going to star different Justice Leagues started in different countries. Or it could simply be that "gathering to protect the galaxy..." doesn't sound like something with which Canada would involve itself. "Not our problem, eh?"

This issue begins with Miiyahbin undergoing her secret origin as something that's pretending to be her grandfather tells her that the power was always within her or to let go or the crane kick cannot be defended or life's like a movie, write your own ending keep believing, or something.

Definitely not her grandfather since he thinks her name is "Meeyahbin.

Last issue ended with Byth finally having his baby, Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds. This issue begins with everybody going, "Okay. Now what?" But the "now what?" doesn't need an answer because the Rannians teleport everybody all over the place so that the story can sort of start over with the characters parceled out where they can contrive the best plot. Hawkman, Adam Strange, Byth, and Ace Ultra wind up with the Rannian scientists that began the whole "let's make the ultimate mixed-race baby!" mess. And everybody else appears in a desert with Twat Lobo. The first thing Twat Lobo does is punch Supergirl in the back of the head because he's met her before and remembers her favorite greeting. SOKKO!

That's Twat Lobo to you, J'onn.

Supergirl greets Twat Lobo back which sends him into low orbit around Rann. During the very short confrontation, Green Arrow proved he was, at best, a distraction and slightly less than at best, completely worthless. The only way he's going to prove his worth to me is if he heartlessly kills Ace Ultra the baby. That would prove to me that he has a place on this team! He does what nobody else can do because he has the most severe daddy issues. As he stabs Baby Ace Ultra in the face with his best trick arrow (the arrow that isn't a trick at all but is actually sharp and can kill which always surprises the thugs because good guys don't kill, right?), he'll scream, "I'm sorry, Daddy! I'm sorry I said I didn't love you and then you died and now you can never know that I actually loved you because minor characters don't often come back from the dead! I wish I was on that island that John Locke was on and could wish you back into existence so I could say I loved you! Except hopefully you would say it back instead of treating me like crap the way Locke's father treated him. Would you love me then, Daddy?! Would you?" Then he'd look down at the bloody mess in the crib before him and think, "What did I just do?"

J'onn decides that Ace Ultra the Infant Destroyer of Worlds is more dangerous than Twat Lobo. Is J'onn crazy? Ace Ultra is not going to have a shitty monthly comic book coming out in the Fall, so I think Twat Lobo is more dangerous. Destroy him before his comic book can give me an embolism! And kill Klarion the Witch Boy while you're at it. I'd rather he be dead than written by Ann Nocenti. It's simply more humane.

Soon, a third problem even bigger than Twat Lobo crops up.

I don't know much about fashion and I know even less about zeta beam teleportation, but I think I know enough to not trust a teleportation system to some guy that fell for the stirrup collar shirt fashion trend.

J'onn decides to split up the teams to take care of their three problems. For some reason, he chooses Green Arrow to go with him, Supergirl, and Stargirl to stop Ace Ultra, Mixed-Race Baby. Oh, he probably realizes, as I did earlier, that Green Arrow is the only one with nothing to lose and therefore willing to stab a baby in the face and kill it. He asks Adam Strange, Animal Man, and Hawkman to stay behind and help old stirrup head. The last of the group, he sends after Twat Lobo.

If you've been paying attention, there is no last of the group. Why J'onn doesn't think Twat Lobo is a threat, I don't know! Doesn't he realize I'm going to be paying $2.99 a month to read his twatty adventures?! Help a brother out here, J'onn! Let Supergirl kill him!

And Green Arrow can stab a baby in the face. Right, J'onn? Um, J'onn? J'ONN! You forgot Green...ah, who cares.

All else doesn't fail, but Supergirl steps up and takes over J'onn's plan anyway. She takes Byth to a secret corner of Rann to beat him senseless leaving Stargirl and J'onn to deal with Ace Ultra, Toddler Destroyer of Worlds. He's really aging quickly now. Like one of those god-awful commercials companies are currently in love with where they show one person age across their entire life in the span of two minutes of ad time. Fuck you, whatever companies those are but I don't know because I'm an awful capitalist and only remember my own rage and not the product I'm mad at. Like I need any more reminders of my fleeting mortality! Now you want to sell me a product based on the fact that I'm aging quicker and quicker and will soon be feeding worms? Fuck off, you bastards! You've just ruined my night!

With Byth out of the way, J'onn manages to convince Ace Ultra that they can help him.

If only Byth had introduced Ace Ultra to the Stranger Danger Campaign earlier in his life cycle. It's never too early to start teaching your child to trust no one!

Meanwhile Hawkman sacrifices himself to save Rann by flying off into the sky with the unstable Zeta Beam Core. But when it explodes, he probably just got teleported forward in time a little bit to just after he blew up with the core because there were voices coming out of the Zeta Beam Matrix that didn't belong to anybody earlier. So it was probably Sardath saying, "I can't--I--," which probably meant he can't believe Hawkman sacrificed himself. And then another voice was saying, "Sardath?" And that voice was either Hawkman saying it or Animal Man saying it while elbowing Sardath and looking at Hawkman suddenly appearing.

The speech bubbles could also just have been placed funny. But it didn't look like a mistake.

And then Lobo runs over Supergirl's vagina.

FWAASH!

Only long time readers will understand the "FWAASH" caption. So basically, nobody understood it and I'm just sitting her amusing myself.

I said "amusing," not "abusing." Pervs.

Twat Lobo rescues Byth and they fly away to be super fucking annoying another day. And Supergirl recovers Hawkman's body and declares he's dead. Sure, sure. And he lost an arm as well, didn't he? He'll be back on his feet in no time. I have got to get me some of that Nth metal.

Justice League United #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far, I heartily approve of chili. Also of this team. My favorite part of this issue was when Martian Manhunter forgot Green Arrow, even though that was probably a mistake. But then I have a history of loving mistakes. When I first saw The Goonies in the theater, my favorite part was when Data said his favorite part was the Octopus! But there was no octopus! Man, I thought that was hilarious! The little genius smarting off and lying to the local media! My hero! Of course, years later, Disney decided to stick the octopus scene back in when they aired it on the Disney Channel and it ruined my entire life. That's the exact moment I just said, "To hell with it all." And that's why I'm a petty little asshole on the internet making fun of the creators of DC Comics. Thanks a lot, Disney!

Justice League United #2

Hawkman grew his arm back already? Now I want to shoot up with Nth Metal.

I've been watching Season One of Young Justice on Netflix right now. I'm impressed. I'm not surprised that I'm impressed because DC seems to have a way with cartoons that they don't have anymore with comic books. I've missed a lot of DC's cartoons simply because I find it hard to care enough to be awake on Saturday mornings. The last time I watched a Saturday morning cartoon regularly was in 2002 and it was Yu-Gi-Oh. I'm only about eight episodes or so into Young Justice but the part that got me most excited (aside from realizing Winnie Cooper was the voice of Martian Teenagegirlhunter) was when Teekl appeared and ran inside to Klarion the Witch Boy. Jack Kirby created a lot of great characters but Klarion the Witch Boy might be my all time favorite. I do own the original Demon comic book where he first appeared but I really fell in love with him when Alan Grant was writing The Demon.

That has nothing to do with Justice League United but then when does anything I say ever have anything to do with the comic book I'm supposed to be reading? If you want organization and coherence, might I suggest Comic Vineyard or Funny Book Resources?

The issue begins with Miiyahbin and her friend Heather poking around the alien base where Adam Strange found his rocket suit.

Oh yeah. She's screaming for a fucking nickname. I'll never remember that! Why couldn't Heather be the new First Nations superhero?

Justice League Canada are currently on Rann according to the not-funny-at-all DC version of the Encyclopedia Galactica. Although the Encyclopedia Galactica might never actually have been funny. It could just be that whenever a writer for the Hitchhiker's Guide referenced it, they took some liberties with it to make the entry sound more interesting. Sort of like what I do with DC's comic books!

Damn. He can pinpoint the galaxy they're in just by looking at a few moons in the sky?! Martian Manhunter is even more amazing than I already thought he was!

I'm surprised Martian Manhunter even took Ollie's question seriously. How dare Green Arrow expect the alien to know all alien things! I guess Ollie never went fishing with his grandfather when he was younger, so he never learned the meaning of the word "prejudiced."

The Elemental Creature was Zeta Beamed to Rann with the JLC, so they need to spend a few more pages battling it. Luckily Supergirl shows up for some reason. She's not a Red Lantern anymore so she must be lonely again and looking for another surrogate family. She doesn't save everybody from the creature because some Rannites arrive to contain the creature with their superior technology and greater knowledge.

On a Thanagarian moon, Hawkman and Twat Lobo continue to scuffle.

While two characters I hate with the burning intensity of twenty rebellious sons, Byth gives birth to Ultra the Super Baby, Slayer of Worlds. That's putting an awful lot of pressure on the kid before it even awakens for the first time. What if it wants to be an actor or a poet? Just because Byth couldn't fulfill his own dream of slaying worlds that doesn't mean he should force his child to pursue the same goals.

The Rannianite that brought the Justice League Canada to Rann gives a brief explanation of the wars that plague the Polaris and Vegan systems. He points out how Thanagar and Czarnia are at the heart of the conflict which would mean that DC has decided to run with Rob Liefeld's earlier mistake of claiming the Czarnians are still alive. I suppose that's also a reason for Twat Lobo as well. Original Lobo must be schizophrenic and believes that he committed genocide against his own people but in actuality, they're all still healthy enough to commit war atrocities against a bunch of other races. I think I hate DC just a little bit more by giving in to Rob Liefeld's bullshit.

Sardath of Rann explains that Project Super Baby Ultra was a peaceful project where they would create a monster bearing the DNA of all the races in the universe. The grotesque and misshapen barely alive mess would be loved by all. It would also live in incredible pain from all the genetic problems fucking up its system. But at least it would bring the universe together! Except for those races that hate babies or hate children of interracial couples or just don't like changing diapers. The plan probably could have used a few more brainstorming sessions to work out all the kinks. But before Sardath and his scientists could finish creating the freak, Byth stole the baby for himself! Now Sardath needs the Justice League Canada to clean up his shit.

Oh fuck you, J'onn. Enough with this "playing God" bullshit. Why is creating a hybrid baby playing god? Science is science! Why is there suddenly an imaginary line between all the science that is done without J'onn judging it and then making a hybrid baby? I think you're playing God, J'onn, by judging these scientists and their actions! You dick. Go fuck an Oreo.

The Justice League Canada crash Byth's birthing party but they're too late. Super Baby Ultra wakes up with eyes full of stars, says "Greg?" and then pisses a fiery hole right through the wall of Byth's headquarters.

Meanwhile, Hawkman and Twat Lobo take their fight into the vacuum of space with the winner to be determined later.

Justice League United #2 Rating: No change. I didn't feel the writing was quite as snappy as the previous two issues but I still like this team better than any of the others. Okay, I like Justice League Dark the best but their roster is in such flux right now, I don't know who will be on it and if I'll like them or not. So right now, this is the best team. Although Supergirl's introduction was a bit unexplained. She heard a beast roar from light years away and came to investigate? Like she isn't hearing roars from all over the universe? She just decided to investigate this one? Okay, whatever. I'll buy it! I mean, comic books, right?

New Guardians #25

Now the Lost in Space theme song is stuck in my head.

I grew up watching reruns of Lost in Space on Channel 36 in the San Francisco Bay Area. Also Batman. And The Monkees. And Super Chicken. And George of the Jungle. I think it was Channel 36 which aired Ray Harryhausen movies on Thanksgiving which is why you'd find me in front of the television instead of spending time with my family. Well, that was just one of the reasons. Anyway, Lost in Space was an interesting show to watch as a young kid because I still didn't get the concept of situational episodic television and believed, every episode, that there was a chance that they'd get home.

I no longer believe anything good will ever happen. That kid is long dead, replaced by a cynical asshole that can't just enjoy anything. The world should stand trial for the murder of that sweet, stupid boy with bean dip all over his face grinning in amazement as Jason battled a dozen skeletons grown from the teeth of the Hydra! Can we all get together and bring a class action suit to the world for the death of innocence?

But now I'm part of that world! Hey, you young people! Don't read my comic book commentaries! Don't read any of my cynical rantings about the horrors of things that, at first glance, aren't horrible at all! Enjoy the shallow, fun, four color goodness that all comic books should be! Don't read my twisted versions of what is not explicitly stated in the dialogue and shown through the art! Stay Gold, Pony Boy! STAY GOLD!

This issue begins with Carol Ferris yelling at the Zamarons because her friend Kyle just sacrificed his life to save the universe and they had nothing to do with it. But they're just sitting there on their crystal thrones, oozing smugness with that place on their face in the air where their noses should be, basking in their authority and not shedding any tears for Kyle. Why shouldn't she yell at them? Fuck those assholes! Why don't they crawl into some black hole and fuck off like their ex-husbands, the Guardians?

Carol ditches them before they can put her in her place because she has to go find out that Kyle didn't actually die at all.

I guess needing everyone to believe Kyle was dead lasted all of one page? And that's how much of an affect huge cosmic crisis crossovers have on the continuing monthly comic books!

It turns out the only person that really can't know Kyle is alive is Hal although Carol is the only one that currently knows. And even though no explanation is immediately given, I get it. Sometimes you just want certain people in your life to go the fuck away. And it's not like Carol wouldn't have figured out he's alive anyway. She's a Love Sapphire! She loves Kyle, even if it is that kind of love reserved for puppies and younger brothers. She's still connected to him! What good is being a Love Lantern if you can't stay connected to the people you love?

The Bohemian Guardians are introducing Kyle to an old friend of theirs. Judging by his attitude and demeanor, I'd say this is the guy that makes their Cosmic LSD for them.

Look at Kyle trying to dominate Nias at first meeting with a fucking handshake!

In the panel after this one, Kyle actually forces a handshake on Nias. Fucking disrespectful. I can't stand this way of greeting people! Especially since people will actually be offended if you don't shake their hands. "Submit to my physical assessment of your personality which actually means nothing but I am conditioned to go through with or I will take it as the most sincerest of insults!" Fuck you, hand shakers! Knock it off already! I hope that shaking hands is the worst insult in the universe to the first race of alien beings we meet and we spiral into intergalactic war when our Space Ambassador decides to show them how we greet each other on Earth (and by "on Earth," I mean Western Civilization because by the time we meet alien races, you don't think McDonalds, Starbucks, Reality TV, and Levis won't have won the culture war? We've already forced most cultures that bow into shaking hands after bowing. Pushy jerks).

Look at that violence!

Apparently Kyle and Carol are here on Exuras because "Exuras is the greatest place in the universe!" Well, sure! Now that Piradell is a fascist hellhole. That must be why Nias is so excited. Exuras has just moved up from the number two greatest destination in the universe.

This issue is called "All Tomorrow's Parties" which makes me need to listen to Johnette Napolitano's cover of the song now. I know, I know! That's probably blasphemy to all the Lou Reed fans out there! Don't flip out over inconsequential choices made by other people. My love of Johnette and her voice doesn't take away from your love of Reed and whatever it is you love about him. His cheerful demeanor? Now my own imagined conversation with the Velvet Underground fans has caused me to listen to both versions! I can't say it was a waste of time! Johnette's version is more polished (of fucking course) and rockier. It sounds a bit like an anthem. The Velvet Underground's is discordant and hazy, like wandering through an opium den high as fuck looking for the pipe you set down when you wandered off to look for the pipe you set down.

Now my iTunes is playing in the background while I read and I'm not sure if want to shut it down or not. I suppose I'll try reading and listening to music at the same time! That should ensure that I don't remember any of this in a few hours!

Although it kind of fits now with Carol and Kyle hanging out with Loudon Wainwright III singing "On the Rocks."

The first thing I notice about Exuras is that it has about three billion moons. And its moons also have moons because I think they might be planets. It's possible the orbits of all the planets in this solar system are practically one on top of each other. Don't ask questions about gravity. This is Exuras! The greatest place in the universe!

Nias tries to explain why Exuras is so great but he has trouble with the words, so Zalla helps explain.

That probably explains the planets not crashing in on the other planets somehow.

Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians have actually come to Exuras because it is a world without strife or fear or conflict. It's exactly the type of existence that the Guardians have been trying to bring to the Universe time and again, and have always failed catastrophically. So Kyle needs to investigate this place and find out if it is indeed as miraculous as it sounds or if there is a dark secret behind it. If it's actual, he can then learn how it works and bring that technology and mindset to the rest of the universe. And everybody will live happily ever after! Or, as usually happens, it will just be more unwanted bullshit forced upon the rest of the universe by the arrogant Guardians. Just this time, they're the Bohemian Guardians. So it'll be exactly the same except smothered in the scent of patchouli.

Kyle begins his investigations and discovers a structure where fear and anger are concentrated. It's a place where the teenagers have been rounded up and shut away. The Exurasans try to stop Kyle from entering the building which makes Kyle even more suspicious. Oh, Kyle, don't worry. It's probably just an angst-ridden rock concert.

So Exuras believes in transparency? That's a good start!

The building where the teenagers go houses a gigantic, cracked mirror which they must go into to make a choice whether or not they want to participate in this world where everything in history has gone seemingly just right. Kyle enters the mirror to find out what this choice is and how they go about the choosing. What he finds on the other side of the cracked mirror is a world in flames, full of destruction and death.

Genius.

Kyle is wrong about the Exurasans making one bad world though. They steal only small moments from many, many different timelines. The disastrous world Kyle is seeing was the result of just one small, seemingly insignificant swap. Entering the cracked mirror is a way for Exurasans to understand the price they are paying for living in the perfect world. I wonder if they're given the chance to swap lives with someone from a shitty timeline?

It turns out they don't get to swap but they can refuse to participate. They are allowed to stay behind in the other worlds to try to make them better places. And hopefully they do make them better places which means the moment that they came to that world was the moment that made it better which means it'll get swapped and they'll return to Exuras's paradise! Or something.

The Keeper of the Cracked Mirror's defense for stealing moments is this: "Isn't one paradise better than an infinity of hells lessened?" Which is all well and good if you ignore the fact that, given a timeline should exist for all possible choices, then that paradise does exist somewhere. What the people of Exuras are doing is simply making sure that their version of Exuras is the paradise. So The Keeper's rationale falls flat and it turns out what they're doing is supremely selfish and not motivated by a grand hope of one pure paradise. That paradise would exist, somewhere, without their needing to take action. So they're really just selfish time pirates!

And it looks like Nias Den Throden of Exuras, Hell Version, would agree.

New Guardians #25 Rating: +4 Ranking. Please let the cosmic crises be over with for a long while so that Kyle Rayner can have adventures like this off on his own without being bothered by Hal and his green military goons. I enjoyed this story and the pacing and the dialogue and the plot. Here's how it should end though! If the residents of the other Exurases can come through the cracked mirror, just bring all the residents of all the infinite other timlines over to the paradise Exuras! We've already seen that it "provides" for everybody! It can probably provide for an infinite population, right?

Relic #1

Relic: "Cock rings for everyone!" Hal Jordan: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hopefully now we'll find out why Relic was called Relic in his old universe when it makes perfect sense that he's called Relic in this universe because he's a relic from an old universe but it wouldn't make any sense to be called relic in his old universe if he's from that universe. Unless he's super old. I guess then "Relic" is a fine nickname. I'm hoping that this is his eighth or ninth universe that he's passed into by turning himself into a cyst. That's the strangest transdimensional travel we've seen yet! I think.

The story will probably just focus on The Lightswitch Corps from the Last Universe Over and how they destroyed everything while Relic mumbled, "No. Don't. Stop."

The story begins with a bunch of different colored Lightswitches bashing each other in the face with their light construct weapons.

And in some cases, their sex toys. Makes sense since this is a Violet Lightswitch of Love.

In Relic's universe, the Lightsmith's used too much power, sucking the emotion from everything! No wonder Earth is so special! There's not end to drama here on Earth which means a forever supply of emotional power! But in Relic's universe, they did not have a race as special as human beings. That's too bad for them because we're really fucking special! Who else in the universe has thought up DNA testings live on daytime television or endless court shows with irrational fuckwits that have never once in their lives considered that they might be wrong? Nobody, that's who!

And because Relic's universe had no Earth, he called them together to warn them about Peak Light.

Blah blah blah! BORING! Maybe you should have put together a Powerpoint presentation?

Since Relic called together this conference simply on the strength of his own convictions and the theory that he made up in his head, The Lightswitches didn't want to hear it. I don't fucking blame them! He's telling them to knock off using their light power just because he decided light must be a limited resource? How dare the Lightswitches ask for proof before they change their behaviour! "Hey! I just had a thought! Farting causes cancer! So everybody stop farting and we'll be cancer free in under a year! What? Proof! But I thought it up in my head! It must be right! Ugh. I can't believe you want me to do research?! Doubting assholes."

Relic decides to actually do some science and get the proof the Lightswitches need. Which he, really, should have done before calling the fucking meeting. I thought he was a scientist! Man, Relic is a real asshole. And now he's come over to our universe to tell us how to run things? Fuck him! Go back to your dead universe, star hugger!

I bet his research ends up being the cause of the universe ending! I bet he pulls a Krona and catches a glimpse of the Creator masturbating furiously at the beginning of time which will cause a guilty spasm to explode in a wave across all space and time, destroying everything in its path. And now he's come to our universe to make us feel guilty too! What a jerk!

Anyway, back to Relic's cosmic science journey...

What an arrogant fucking bastard. He searches the entire universe. He discovers a wall surrounding the universe. He finds not one sign to support his theory. And he still can't fucking believe that he might be wrong. Worst scientist ever.

Except for the part where he actually discovers he was correct in his theory. Whatever. I guess he trusted the math.

Relic never did find proof. But he discovered evidence that he may indeed be correct when the Blue Lightswitch's Main Bulb dimmed. It just went out for good and everybody lost faith. It was all used up like cheap toilet paper. Relic warned them to only use a sheet or two at a time but did anybody listen? Nooooo! They were all making fucking catcher's mitts out of their faith when they wiped! Hmm. The analogy kind of fell apart at the end there.

Wrong. Without more experiments, one cannot jump to the conclusion that the reason the lights were extinguished was because they were drawing from a limited well. Relic just doesn't have enough information about how the entire system works to draw this conclusion.

As the universe begins dying around them, Relic tells anybody he can find that's still alive, "I told you so!" Oh, fuck you! You're the worst! You give science a bad name, you piece of shit fear monger! Perhaps the Universe was just coming to a natural end! You merely have a circumstantial link between the universe ending and the Lightswitch's losing power. The loss of power could simply be a symptom of the universe ending and not the cause, you fuckblossom.

As you can see, I really dislike Relic! And now he's going to preach his bullshit science in The New 52 Universe as well! Even though different universes probably have different physical laws! So even if he were correct about his stupid theory (which I highly fucking doubt because there was no Double Blind Study), why would his stupid theory be the same in our universe? There's no reason to believe it would at all!

Before the universe could completely end, Relic headed toward the outer wall which was crumbling. He dove in and was torn apart, molecule by molecule.

I have a theory!

So here's my theory without evidence which I came up with without any experimental proof at all! See the hand in that last panel? That's Krona's masturbating hand that he saw when he looked in on the creation of the universe. Which means that Relic's Universe existed within the testicles of the creator of The New 52 Universe! Which means the Lightswitches weren't using up all the power at all! The power was being depleted every time The New 52 Universe Creator masturbated because the power was sperm! While being inside a closed system, the Lightswitches could use all the sperm they needed to create things. But every time The New 52 Universe's Creator masturbated, he expelled some of the "light." Which means Relic was correct in that there was a limited reservoir. He was just incorrect about how it was being depleted! It was the Creator's constant loss of Chi that was weakening the Lightswitches! Until that one last amazing orgasm of the Creator after which, I'm assuming (it's just a theory!), he died. And Relic was shot into our universe as the Creator busted his last nut.

Do you want more evidence than just my crazy notions? Go back and look at the panel where Relic finds the wall. Totally the inside of a scrotum.

And so Relic slept inside a crusty mass of ejaculate far out on the edge of space until freed by Kyle Rayner and the Bohemian Guardians of the Universe. But he's a bit pissy now since nobody would listen to his "science" last time around. So now he's decided to just kill them all. Seems fair enough.

Relic #1 Rating: It was really good because I came up with an awesome theory! Also, I do like that Relic is kind of a shitty scientist although I'm not sure he was meant to be portrayed that way. But come on! Evidence, idiot! It's the mover and the shaker! What a fucking moron. And now he's going to fuck up The New 52 because of his bad math. Although I do hope he helps get rid of the Main Lantern Batteries once and for all. It's been my one Christmas Wish for each of the last twenty years, at least. Enough with the stupid lanterns and charges already! Just make the rings work when they're on the person the ring chose and make the rings not work when on a shitty thief!

Earth 2 Annual #1

What the world needs now is MORE BATMAN!

While half asleep last night, I came up with a plan for you to use if you ever want to scare your friends. So here's what you do if you ever find yourself with a group friends in a stark urban/lonely rural/disquieting natural landscape!

How To Properly Scare Your Friends

1. Gather your friends together.
2. Light the room with candles.
3. Invoke Satan's name loudly.
4. Begin playing a scary children's game like Bloody Mary or Ouija or Hide and Seek or Machete Tag.
5. After the game has been going for at least fifteen minutes or so, excuse yourself from the room.
6. Kill yourself.
7. Come back and haunt them!
8. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

If they don't seem to be afraid of you, look in a mirror. If you don't look like something from a Japanese Horror Movie, you might have to use your brains instead of your good looks to scare them. Try manipulating the Ouija board so it spells out, "NO MORE CANDY" or "I HAVEN'T HAD ANAL IN YEARS."

This is the super trimmed down version of my late night vision since remembering all the random thoughts that enter your half-asleep head is stupidly impossible. I really need a secretary to dictate my pre-sleep and post-waking thoughts so I stop spilling them all over the bedroom floor and losing them. I think the entire thought began with a flow chart of things to do to survive a Japanese Horror Film! The first decision was something like, "Look around at your friends? Is everybody Japanese?" If Yes then "You are fucked." Actually, it went on to ask multiple questions like "Are you making a typical stand against Japanese Cultural Homogeneity?" If Yes, then "Do you harbor any horrible secrets like the way you might have treated the fat kid in elementary school?" It would be a long string of questions that if you answer yes to all of them, you'd eventually get to the "You're fucked!" conclusion because not only will you die in the horror movie but you're most likely the cause of the horrible spirit as well!

That whole last paragraph just seems to come across as lazy because it's simply an example of something I should have just put together. And I might have, too, if I'd thought of it with a clearer head! But I don't feel like dredging up all the half-remembered ideas that I loved so much last night as I was falling asleep and now can barely grasp in the morning. That's work and, as Future Retard so eloquently put it so many years ago, work is not fun.

One more thing before I begin reading another stupid Annual: my cat's new nickname is Captain Blasters.

The American Motto: "We get it done without expending any significant time questioning what 'it' is!"

Al Pratt, now known as The Atom, is on his way to find the new Batman or defeat Steppenwolf or imperialize another country as he remembers when he finally gave some consideration to the phrase, "Get it done." At the time, his therapist was an amazingly intuitive genius that realized Al had problems because he hadn't smiled for a full year. At the beginning of that year, Al was blown up by a nuclear missile and survived. That's the kind of thing that would have me dancing in the streets! Except I'm pretty sure he has Survivor's Guilt and that can make you think all kinds of crazy things like you don't deserve to live or that God actually exists.

Al Pratt also remembers fighting vampires with Steel two and three quarters years ago. He may or may not have been a Manhunter. Two and a half years ago, his therapist asked the most important question of all.

Oh! Oh! I know! Because this is a Teen Rated comic book! Also because our patriarchy has had a serious issue with showing the penis, even when it's flaccid! I don't know if it has to do with stodgy old white men with small dicks or somehow trying to control the sexual urges of women by allowing them very few mainstream opportunities to see the male genitalia. Recently there have been more movies willing to show the flaccid penis and I say, "It's about fucking time!" Not that I was particularly clamoring for it! But I never understood why it had to be such a huge issue that my aunt kept a mental list of the handful of movies she could rent at the video store that might give her a glimpse of the dong.

So Al Pratt, The Atom, has entered Phnom Penh to seek out some guy named Henri Roy. Meanwhile Steel has a meeting with Commander Khan of the World Army. The meeting is about the Fire Pits of Earth which Sloan set up probably because he had some kind of back door deal with Darkseid. That sounded sexier than I expected. Oh, but it gets even sexier! Commander Khan wants Steel to penetrate the Fire Pit in Rio De Janeiro!

That part with Steel and Khan was just an interlude and since it didn't say, "First Interlude," I'm guessing that's going to be a story for another day. I think it's about time we learn about the new Batman and how he's going to rescue The Atom.

Except I was taken in by The Atom's disguise myself and forgot he was The Atom! Why should he need to be rescued? He just grows into a giant with atomic fists and begins getting it done. Meanwhile the newest Batman sits in the rafters doing research. Roy climbs into his Mech and runs off while Newest Batman makes his debut taking out some reinforcements so The Atom can chase after Roy who opted for the Grasshopper over the Atlas because he's more the turn and run type than the stand and blow 5,000 missiles down your opponent's throat type.

Here he is! The newest Goddamned BAAAAAATMMMMMMAAAAAAAN! (Sang to the tune of whatever fucking song is stuck in your head right now)

The Atom captures Henri Roy but that's just the backdrop for the real story. War has been declared on Steppenwolf's country of Dherain and the World Army is sending in The Atom with Red Arrow and some of the Sandmen. Also, Henri Roy's boy, Henri Junior, has been having oncoming super power headaches for some time now and Sloan wants to run some tests on him. Also also, the World Army is bringing back their Heroes Initiative to gather up heroes for their cause. Ostensibly overseen by Terry Sloan, the Heroes Initiative will be managed and run by Sonia Sato, The Atom's crush. But I think that whole war with Steppenwolf thing can wait for the regular issues. For now, let's get back to Newest Batman!

Newest Batman is busy with detective work. Seems a bunch of super villains on Earth were given their powers by Kanto of Apokolips. And Kanto has been calling in those super villains to do some work for him as payback for their special powers. Newest Batman has been trying to track down where they're going and what Kanto is up to.

Is Newest Batman a killer?

Meanwhile in the epilogue (or the prologue for Earth #13 depending on how empty or full your comic books are), Scott Free and Barda are killing dinosaurs in Gotham City's Lost Land. The Gotham of Earth 2 is full of broken down buildings and burnt out skyscrapers, lush jungles, mad scientists, and roaming dinosaurs. In other words, not half as dangerous as the Gotham City of Earth Prime. Barda and Scott are in search of Newest Batman but have found no sign of him.

They do manage to find Fury though.

Earth 2 Annual #1 Rating: It mentioned Kanto the Assassin! That should be good enough for everybody's dog's mother.