Grayson #10

Between scanning this cover and this caption, I reread a shit-ton of X-Statix and the final two Fables Trades. Reading without commenting is so much more relaxing!

Since Spyral has come under the auspicious leadership of Helena Bertinelli (unless her leadership is not auspicious at all and I should probably read the definitions of words before simply using them in ways that I've seen them used before), it has been revealed that somebody associated with Spyral missions has been murdering secret agents of other shadowy organizations. Everybody thinks it's Dick Grayson which means nobody really thinks it's Dick Grayson because it's so fucking obvious it's Dick Grayson that you would be the shittiest shadowy organization in the world to really believe that it was. But they don't like having their agents killed, so they've told Helena to rent a fucking Bobcat and dig up the root of the problem. Her first step to solving the problem was to tell Dick about the problem so Dick could solve it for her.

Helena suggested Agent One might be the problem so Dick knocked out Agent One and left him for the guards to capture. But Agent One is apparently the Tiger King of Kandahar so he can't be caught so easily. He beats up the guards and escapes. Nobody seems to care about the mystery guy with the goggles and the escrima sticks lying unconscious next to Agent Tiger King. That might be the real bad guy! The "Nemesis" guy from the title!

Meanwhile the Duchess is all pissed off at the gift of blue balls given to her by Dick Grayson.

Stupid comic book translated all of the Spanish for me. I could have done the job just as well!

Helena's scientific lackeys, Doctors Ashemore and Netz, have been going over a bunch of data which makes Dick a more likely culprit of the murders than Agent One. So Helena decides to consult her freaky screen saver with the Cirque du Spyder triplets who can only speak in analogies about species of spiders. They tell her maybe she should bait a trap to catch the killer. Didn't that almost get done at the Prado? Is nobody going to talk about the guy with the escrima sticks?! The Duchess will have him arrested and interrogated, right? Someone?

While Helena cuts bait with Agent One, Dick Grayson runs into an old friend in Corsica.

Damn, Dick. What did Kite-man ever do to you? You don't have to question Kite-man's heroic integrity simply because you're pissed off at Lex Luthor. Oh wait. Kite-man is supposed to be the "scary villain" and not the "someone who has never met a scary villain." Never mind.

Dick not only learns that Lex Luthor paid for the mission to gain the Kryptonite and/or Kryptonian Vibrating Sunstone, he's also financed much of Spyral's technology. Some of that technology enables another person to take control of Dick's body through the Spyral implants which sounds super great for the leaders of Spyral until somebody hacks into that system and controls all of their agents at which time it's super not great for the leaders of Spyral at all.

Dick decides he's not going to give Lex Luthor anything that might help Lex destroy Superman. He also decides he'd better cut Helena out of his life for a bit while he figures out what the hell is going on with his implants. So his next move is to have a pow-wow with Agent One. Is "pow-wow" an insensitive term? Should I not have used it? Enh, who cares?! I'm not popular enough to be a target of destruction by angry word police! Although I should be planning for the future for when I am that popular! People will sift through everything I've ever written on the internet and tear me apart! I wonder if I should blow up the servers that contain the No Apologies! Press website?!

As Dick is heading to Rome to find Tiger, Tiger is attacked by Dick. I think something weird is going on! I bet the fact that Attacking Tiger Dick is wearing gloves is a clue! Also I said "Attacking Tiger Dick."

Grayson #10 Rating: No change. Can the next issue just be out already so I know what's going on?! While I wait for that issue, can somebody direct me to the issue of Superman or Action Comics which explains Lex Luthor's fascination with purple and green? I want to read that story.

Grayson #8

Enter the Grayson.

All of DC's comic books are wrapping up story arcs this month to make way for Convergence. So what plot points will Grayson wrap up so that the readers don't feel like they have to remember the story for three months before it continues? Will Spyral find the last of Paragon's body parts? Will Midnighter and Dick Grayson become best friends? Will Mister Minos's secret identity will be revealed? Will Helena sit all over Dick's face while Batman listens in on the clock radio signal like a big perv? Maybe all of those things will have to happen? I'd like Dick to get a visit from Damian while Damian can still fly. Damian will totally try to impress Dick by floating outside his window and Dick will just be all, "Hey Damian. Want to come in for some hot chocolate?" And Damian will be all, "You can't even die right, idiot." And Dick will be all, "Look who's talking." And Damian will be all, "At least we both did it better than Todd, right?"

This issue begins two scenes alternating panels. The first scene shows Minos speaking with a woman that is most likely Lois Lane. Unless she's the Galician version of Lois Lane. Maybe she's Dick Grayson in disguise. Maybe Mister Minos is Dick Grayson in disguise! Anyway, he's revealing all of the secret identities that Spyral has uncovered including Superman's. The other scene is Mister Minos speaking with Helena about trust and loyalty and secrets. If the conversation is separate from the other scene, he could very well be scolding her for keeping secrets. If the two conversations are meant to be read together then Mister Minos is betraying Spyral. But then Mister Minos wears the Hypnos that hides his face, so neither or both of them could be Mister Minos! I'm sure one of them is Dick Grayson. Somebody in these two scenes is probably Dick Grayson!

Anyway, the scenes end with Helena being shot in the chest by Mister Minos with her own crossbow. I guess these scenes will make more sense once I've read through the comic book.

The next couple pages are more understandable even though it's still full of people not quite talking about what they're actually talking about. Fucking Spyral!

So much masturbating going on at this school.

Doctor Netz, Otto's daughter (granddaughter? Hard to say since he was so old and I don't remember if it was mentioned previously because I'm so old), interrupts all the young girls' fantasies by rushing in with Helena in her arms. Helena has a crossbow bolt sticking out of her chest. She lets Dick know that Minos did this and that Dick needs to go protect Agent 1. Then she passes out.

I guess that means that in the earlier scene Mister Minos really is the guy giving away the secrets to Lois Lane! But that means Lois Lane must be Dick Grayson!

The hot-to-trot-for-Dick's-ass girls follow him to the chapel to watch his butt in action as he saves Agent 1's life. Or maybe they think they can help. Hopefully they'll get there in time! Or not. What do I care if Agent 1 dies? I don't even remember who that is!

Paragon is a heartless bastard. Literally! His heart is still in Arabic Superbaby!

Paragon seems to be a version of Amazo. It has all the powers of the Justice League. And somehow the organs helped Spyral to identify the members of the Justice League. Have his organs been cloned from the heroes? And even if they were, how does he have Green Lantern's light construct power or Cyborg's lasers? Oh wait! I know the answer to this one! Comic books!

Dick teaches Agent 1 how to effectively defeat each member of the Justice League as they battle Paragon. Now there are at least three people that can take down the Justice League single handed!

Dick realizes that the secret to defeating Paragon lies in the missing heart. And that means he needs a gun for some reason! Probably to shoot Paragon in its silly old non-super-powered heart! Batman would frown on that. I mean he'd frown more than he usually frowns.

Horny girls to the rescue!

Mister Minos taunts Dick because he's pretty sure Dick doesn't kill (zombie super powered clone monsters being the exception, I guess). So he's all, "Nyah nyah! I still know lots of secrets! I'm going to blab them all over!" And then Helena's crossbow is all, "Twang!" And Mister Minos is all, "I die!"

But he didn't really die! It was all another manipulation! A trick! A deception! A bamboozle! A dick pull!

And being Spyral, it was a double dick pull!

The fake Lois Lane turns out to be the legendary Agent 0! That means it's probably Kathy Kane. You can tell by the lipstick. She kills Minos before he can reveal his identity which he desperately wants to do. Poor guy. He wasn't even granted the right to explain himself. I'm pretty sure that's a violation of super villain union rules. Not that Agent 0 cares about rules! She makes up the rules as she goes along and then breaks them as she goes along further. She's crazy! But now that she has Dick Grayson in her web, what does she have planned for him? Stay tuned in June for more adventures of Dick Grayson's butt cheeks!

Grayson #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like how these first eight issues feel like a mini-series. And now it's time to move on to another chapter in the life of Jacques de Constamment, Professor of Acrobatics! I wonder if the four horny girls that keep chasing him around will eventually spin off into their own comic book: Young Horny Spider Women of Spyral.

This issue was worthy of a Gillian Anderson photo cut out from TV Guide many, many years ago.

Grayson #7

I hope Grayson tells a Batman and Robin story this issue while getting out of the shower naked.

I have a new comic strip character that I don't want to draw so I'm going to put the first script here and wait for somebody else to draw it and then we'll become a team and make tons of money and score with lots of groupies. The comic strip is called "Optimist Man" and it's about a super hero named Optimist Man! Here's the first comic:

Panel 1: Four kids in jeep stuck on train tracks. Train coming. "HEY OPTIMIST MAN! HELP US!"
Panel 2: Optimist Man floating/flying by side of car saying, "You kids are gonna be just fine!" Kids excitedly cheering, "Yay!"
Panel 3: Optimist Man flying away.
Panel 4: Side of train filling panel.

I think Optimist Man should have a sidekick named The Inspiration Kid! And maybe they'll occasionally team up with The Prayer. Optimist Man's nemesis will be Cynigal! She totally can't stand him and his credulous idiocy.

I can already smell the money! SMELL ME THE MONEY!

Anyway, last issue, Dick Grayson was trapped aboard the Carrier by some woman named The Gardener. He had just beat up Midnighter because Midnighter can only predict tactics of things he understands and Dick Grayson is full of shit Midnighter can't comprehend, things like happiness and joy and upbeat positivity! He's so disgusting he makes me want to puke rainbows.

Helena is currently trying to retrieve Paragon's brain before the Fist of Cain use it to destroy Tel Aviv. She'd like Dick at her side but he's gone off the grid. But Spyral is able to see through Dick's Hypnos and figure out where he is. They find out that he's with Midnighter and that Midnighter is currently utilizing Dick's Hypnos. Using Dick's Hypnos as a delivery system, Helena is going to allow Midnighter to see what she found out while interrogating the Fist of Cain who told her about the brain. What all of that means is that it looks like Midnighter will be Helena's partner for this mission while Dick remains trapped on The Carrier.

The Gardener is one of those ends justify the means people.

For some reason, The Gardener actually thinks that death and violence will stop humans from making better weapons to commit violence and cause death. I think her super power is naivety.

Dick's story about Bat-nets convinces The Gardener to open a door to Tel Aviv for him and Midnighter to step through. Which is a good thing because some asshole stepped on Helena's crossbow and broke it. What the fuck is she building her crossbow's out of? That more-paper-than-wood material they use in those dollar store planes? You know the ones that you put together in twenty seconds, stick a weight on the nose, and fly it into a wall where the wings crack and the whole thing crumbles? Those things are cool.

Now clear Midnighter's head!

And Midnighter really needs his head cleared! Because he's not supposed to kill anybody but what do you suspect he's up to?!

The soundtrack to most of the Friday the 13th films was by Harry Manfredini. I may have spelled that completely wrong since I'm only going by memory.

Dick knocks the knife out of the air and then beats up the band while complaining about how their music is completely ruined now because they're Fists of Cainanites. He even mentions roller skating to their songs with a cute redhead which is totally my thing! Not the cute redhead part but the mentioning roller skating as a metaphor for that awkward stage of youth where you first begin to explore your budding sexuality. I don't mean hand jobs and second bases! I just mean crushes and boners!

The leader of the Fist of Cain attacks Helena but gets shot in the face by Director Minos who decided to go on this mission because, according to Cirque du Soleil: Spyral, he's been taking this whole Paragon/Fists of Cain mission too personally. Instead of arguing with that, he's apparently decided to embrace it. Meanwhile to save the day, Dick Grayson squicks Paragon's Brain and everybody stops hating everybody and begins loving everybody. Dick wins with hugs!

In the Epilogue, Midnighter moves out of the Godgarden. I don't really know much about the Godgarden or how it fits into Stormwatch. Is it part of the Carrier? Something else? I've been assuming it was in the Carrier. But I don't know who this Gardener is anyway! Midnighter doesn't appreciate the games she's playing, whoever she is, and walks out on her. Maybe that means he's quitting Stormwatch altogether since he has to get ready for his own title in a few months.

Grayson #7 Rating: No change. Still probably the best written, cohesive, character driven DC Comic. I hope Midnighter and Dick Grayson become best friends. I think they'd get along great if they could just have a calm talk over coffee and waffles. They'd realize that they're not so different! Although the breakfast might end with Dick's hair on fire and Apollo screaming jealously at Midnighter. "Breakfast?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What the hell were you two doing that you'd wind up eating breakfast together?! Let me smell your breath!"

Grayson #6

Will Grayson remain the best current comic of The New 52? Or will I suddenly get pissed off at something entirely different and take it out on this comic book, thus dropping it ten ranks?! Let's see!

Dick and Helena still have two or three more pieces of Paragon the Exploded Green Lantern to recover for Spyral. Stormwatch has also been hunting for the pieces because Stormwatch is fucking weird and they probably need them to build another Century Baby for Apollo and Midnighter to raise. Spyral probably wants the parts for less nefarious purposes than that.

Dick loves hunting for pieces of Paragon because he just loves doing stuff. He's always smiling and having a good time while adventuring all over the place. Ugh, I hate him. Doesn't he ever just eat a gallon of ice cream and cry until he has so much snot running down his chin that he has to take off one of his socks he's been wearing for seven days straight to blow his nose in? Stop being so chirpy, asshole. Wipe that fucking chipmunk grin off your face and be sad already.

This issue begins with Dick and Helena exploring the ruins of a Chinese prison that was destroyed by Mother Machine way back in Blackhawks #1. I thought I was the only one that still remembered Mother Machine! Remember when I pointed out Mother Machine was probably pretty pissed off about Lady Weeds getting the job as the Avatar of Machines? Well, I said something like that! It was probably pretty funny the way I phrased it the first time. I'm laughing about it just thinking about how funny it probably was.

The prison is overrun by Land Orcas which terrifies the fuck out of my penguin, Schnabel. But Dick, being that upbeat fuck, just makes a joke about it and continues on his adventures. I hope he loses a fucking toe.

Dick and Helena are currently hunting for Paragon's brain! I hope it's in a kitten this time! Other people are also hunting for the brain! And if you have to ask who those other people are, you didn't read my opening paragraph, did you? Asshole.

I'm so super heterosexual that my first thought was, "I know, right? Helena's ass is foine!" And then I realized he was talking about Dick's ass and I was all, "Yeah, I guess I'd masturbate to that ass if it were framed in such a way that I thought it was a woman's ass. And even if partway through my masturbation I realized it was a man's ass, I'd probably shrug and just finish anyway."

Look, you can't just pick and choose which parts of my blog you want to read. If you only read the Grayson commentaries, then it's like you're reading every 52nd page of the most long-winded novel you've ever read. And you might think you understand it but how much more would you understand and appreciate it if you read the 51 pages in-between the pages you've been reading?! So from now on, I forbid you from reading only selected sections of my blog. Either read them all or go read reviews by amateur fools on Comic Book Resources or whatever other sites only review selected comics or have dozens of different people doing the reviews for all the various comic books. As the auteur, I demand you read my blog the way I want you to read my blog!

Midnighter may have just dropped by via one of the Carrier's Doors to check out Dick's ass to reload his spank bank. It seems like The Fist of Cain might have possession of Paragon's brain now. Remember the Fist of Cain? They're some gang that once almost killed Doctor Leslie Thompkins. But since they failed to do that, Spyral learned Batman's true identity from Leslie years later.

Speaking of Doctor Leslie Thompkins, I sure am glad The Whore is playing her on Gotham! Although have you noticed Morena's nose is super flat on the end? It reflects light weirdly and distracts me from staring at her longingly. I once came out of the men's bathroom at a comic convention in Portland as she was heading into the women's bathroom. I hope she pooped! It must be awkward to poop around your fans, right? How many weirdos watched her go into a stall and then just hung around straining to listen for signs of abdominal distress? I totally didn't do that at all! I walked away thinking, "Oh my God! I think I just got a whiff of Morena Baccarin's hair product!" And then I saw a guy dressed exactly like Galactus with a Silver Surfer figure circling his head and I said, "Oooooh!" and wandered off to get a closer look at that. Then a little tiny girl in a Hit Girl costume passed by and I went, "OH MY GOD I CAN'T STAND IT!" Then I saw the car to Supernatural and I went, "Whose car is that? Who are they? Super-what?"

Meanwhile in Spyral Headquarters, it turns out Cirque du Soleil runs Spyral.

While Helena interrogates a member of the Fists of Cain using her super secret Spyral hypnos spy interrogation techniques, Grayson gets invited to visit The Carrier. And he can't say no because Midnighter insists. I know a certain somebody with the power of the sun who's going to be jealous! Especially when he finds out how much Dick and Midnighter have in common.

When does Dick get an invite to join Stormwatch?

Midnighter and Grayson have that fight that everybody has been waiting for. Except everybody was actually waiting for Midnighter and Batman to fight. This is better.

Not as good as Midnighter and Dex-Starr! But since that rematch hasn't happened yet, I'll accept this as an adequate substitute.

Midnighter has the upper hand and then Dick has the upper hand and then Midnighter has the upper hand! I hope I'm doing the scene justice with my play by play! And finally, Dick gets the final upper hand! And Midnighter is all, "Whhaaaaa?! I hope nobody saw that!" Meanwhile, The Engineer is sitting spread-eagled in the monitor room furiously rubbing one out as she watches (and records!) the fight. Probably.

After the fight, Seeley and King decide that while they're busy kicking ass writing Grayson, they might as well take a moment to fix up Stormwatch as well.

Grayson #6 Ranking: No change. How come all of the other comic books aren't this good? What is wrong with everybody else? Why aren't they trying very hard? Hey DC? If all of your comics were this good, I would pay $3.99 for each of them! No wait. I change my mind! That was a stupid statement to make! But seriously though, they should all be this good, okay? Just keep them at $2.99!

Secret Origins #8

Featuring Dick's greatest mid-air poses!

Grayson
We were already told Dick Grayson's Secret Robin Origin. How much more do we need to learn? Are they just going to recap Forever Evil? Will we get to see how Batman coerced Dick into leaving behind everybody he loved to pretend that he was dead and join the amoral organization known as Spyral? All to simply protect Batman's secret identity?

And now after two and a half hours of Comcast Xfinity Gateway bullshit funtime wrist slashing party entertainment, I'm not in any mood to read my comic book! And yet I have to clear the stack because DC Comics has ignored all of my pleas to lighten the schedule and release fewer books per month. In fact, they've increased their book count! It's as if they have no respect for me! No! It's like they have anti-respect for me! What is that? Disrespect? Animosity? That feeling that makes people in video games do that thing after they kill another player where they squat up and down on their face?

DC, if you do not reduce the number of books you publish per month, I will no longer publicly enjoy any of your product! I'm going to remember, as I read each comic book, how I feel every time I hear or read or think the word "Comcast." Hell, even the individual letters in the name are beginning to piss me off! Is it possible to write a review without any "O"s or "A"s?

So this asshole named Dick Grayson was just this guy, you know? And then he had a secret origin! And everybody was aghast! Or thrilled. There was much rejoicing! Or complaining.

Thanks for the unasked for English lesson, you condescending twat. Hey! Did you know "twat" has two definitions?!

Granted, Helena was talking to an irascible, possibly petulant, teenaged student of Saint Hadrian's Finishing School. She also could have been a different adjective than the two I used since she really didn't say much. It's also probable she may have been an employee of the school instead of a student since her clothing didn't look like a school uniform. She also could have been a male instead of a female because I never saw her face.

Matron Bertinelli enters into the Eye of the Spiderweb. That's just a cool way of saying Spyral. As she travels through Spyral's Black Lodge inspired halls, a voice constantly reminds her where she's at. It's all very silly and whimsical so that we get the sense that Mr. Minos has a good sense of humor. That's why I couldn't call Spyral an evil organization earlier. They're just an amoral bunch of pranksters trying to have a good time while maybe making a bit of money, growing in power, and quenching their thirst for world domination. See? They're not all bad.

I bet if you walk through the halls of Comcast, it would sound like entering System Shock. "Look at you, customer. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and screaming as you run down my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal monopoly?" One time I called up Comcast Customer Service to troubleshoot a problem on my router and a harsh, computerized female voice said, "Your flesh is an insult to the perfection of the digital." Then they hung up and I not only still had router problems but cancer as well. Comcast is the worst!

Helena Bertinelli nominated Dick Grayson to be her new partner after the loss of Agent 25. That was probably her old partner! Her reasons for nominating him are that he's a super hero, he worked with Batman, he has no other familial contacts, and he has a superb, tight, supremely fit, unblemished twenty-one year old ass.

And now we know why Barbara never stood a chance! Let this be a lesson to all you young girls reading this: when you have a crush on a guy, put out immediately or you'll lose him!

That was an interesting page! The Teen Titans did exist before The New 52 Teen Titans existed! They just never came up with a stupid name for their occasional team-ups! Well, Arsenal probably did. Constantly. "We should call ourselves 'The Sex Busters!' No wait, that sounds like we stop sex. How about the 'Youthful Youngsters'? No wait, that's dumber than a sidekick named 'Speedy.' Hey, Dick? You know what that fancy blue and yellow costume needs? A huge fucking collar!"

Helena mentions some other things that would make Dick Grayson a suitable replacement for Agent 25 (who was, admittedly, pretty fucking cool himself! He must have been! His Agent number reads the same upside down as downside up!), like how everybody thinks he's dead and how he isn't dead at all, actually. But Mister Minos has other ideas! Mean ideas! Horrible murdery ideas!

So Dick was present for the entire, um, presentation? So he knows Spyral knows Batman is Bruce Wayne! Mission accomplished? I think?

Without hesitation, Helena puts a crossbow bolt in Dick's forehead. Because surprise! It wasn't really Dick! So mission no longer accomplished! See, it was a ruse! A misdirection! A speculative chicanery! Ha ha! Oh, Mister Spyral! You're a card! A cut-up! A comedian of caliber unmeasured! And because Helena did not hesitate to kill Dick Grayson, she's allowed to have Dick as her pet. Erm, partner!

Mister Spyral (I'll call him that if I want to call him that!) has a good sense of irony. Or something.

And then Dick accepts because Batman told him to accept! And it's happily ever after between Dick and Helena even though Helena doesn't have red hair.

Just give me a monthly title of Batman and Robin stories told from Dick's point of view! Remember when DC Comics was putting the "fun" back into Cofunmic books?! Maybe their slogan was just "We've Made Comics Fun Again." I like mine better.

Grayson Secret Origin Rating: +4 Ranking. I remember when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. But that was way back when I only knew him in Marv Wolfman's Titans books. Then I missed out on all the comic books where Batman began treating him like an equal and Dick took the mantle of Batman and fucked around with Damian night after night. But because of The New 52, Dick Grayson has become one of my favorite characters. Possibly my favorite character. Maybe. He's kind of boring since he doesn't have super powers but that's his only flaw. And it is a flaw, no matter how many of you are currently shaking your heads and saying, "No! That's what makes him so great!" I won't argue against that! But no super powers? Boring! I might as well read super hero stories starring the guy that makes my burritos for me down at Pepinos!

Animal Man
Animal Man's secret origin was that time he was tricked by the Parliament of Limbs into thinking he was being abducted by aliens so that he'd accept his power better than if a cat just came up to him and said, "Yo, dude. You're like our Avatar and shit. Stop eating meat and start sharing pictures of Pit Bulls on Facebook that claim they're no more violent than other dogs and to think so means you're a racist scumbag." I bet this origin revises that origin because if there is one thing Animal Man has a history of, it's sniffing butts. Also, it's having his origin retconned.

For being the One and Only True Hero of The Red, and being the person that saved its very existence, The Totems didn't think much of him at first, did they?

I guess that's the way when you're The One True Hero. People look at you and think, "Gah! A lowly hobbit! Bullsacks!" Or, "Really? Fucking Ted Theodore Logan? Butt trauma!" Or, "A stubborn brat of a girl that can shoot a bow? Holocaust jokes!" Maybe one even goes, "A drunken Edward Scissorhands? I didn't really see all of those pirate movies so maybe not?!"

Buddy Baker was just a lowly stand-in for the real Avatar of the Red, Maxine Baker! But if you had a little kid in charge of the animal kingdom, you'd have a lot of weird stuff going on. Like she'd probably allow penguins to fly because they seemed so sad grounded on the Earth. But she'd forget to teach them not to dive into the water from a great height and they'd break all of their little bird bones trying to catch fish and then all the penguins would be dead in a matter of minutes. And she'd probably be upset that lions and tigers were eating other animals, so she'd give them lollipops and licorice to eat and they'd all die of malnutrition. So to prevent Maxine from accidentally ending all animal life on the planet, Buddy took the job.

And eventually, Buddy's position became permanent and Maxine was free from her obligation!

And that's the end of The Red's Horatio Alger story. I hope the slug is the next Animal Man!

Animal Man Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a retelling of the entire Animal Man series which I'd already read! So it was of little interest to me. It could have at least given me some new information, like how long Buddy Baker's penis is and if he occasionally likes to put it inside other animals.

Katana
Dammit! I was hoping to get this commentary finished within the next half hour so I could post it before watching Gotham and then heading off to work. But that was before I realized it was about Katana and that it was written by Ann Nocenti! I can't rush this! I have to give it my full concentration! I guess I'll pause here and get back to this after work. Don't worry! You won't notice any difference! In fact, you can continue immediately with the next paragraph!

I'm back! Wasn't that a painless wait? Well, now get ready for some painlessless writing! Do two "less"es make a "ful"?

I don't remember Katana's origin. Something about a sword that steals souls and her dead husband Maseo or something. I'm sure this origin will be much more exciting and I'll, if I'm lucky, remember it forever!

The first line of Ann Nocenti's first Narration Box is "The ghost towns of the Old West." Ooh! Guess what time it is, kids!

Special Old West edition!

"Hey kids! Have you ever heard of g-g-g-g-ghost towns?! Pretty spooky, right?! Well, don't be too scared! They aren't towns full of ghosts like you might imagine! They're actually towns that died (ooooh! scary!) because the railroad passed them by or sometimes the water just up and dried up on them (funny how that happens in desert landscapes, right kids?!). And sometimes they were Boom Towns striking it rich on the gold found in mines nearby only to become Bust Towns when the mother lode stopped bearing nuggets! Sometimes they just became lawless hellholes and everybody fled! There were many ways to become a ghost town in the Old West! And just imagine the names of these towns! What's that? Oh! You don't have too! Aunt Nocenti has a list for you! Places like Grinder Gulch and Gravebone Yard and Hopeless Junction and Buzzard's Bend! Pretty exciting times! Now all you good little children take my knowledge at face value and don't go fact checking it, okay! If there's one place you can trust the truth, it's at The Knowledge Fun Farm!"

Katana is currently leading a girl possessed by a demon down some train tracks. When are they going to play poker? This story was called "Full Deck". Maybe they're going to hit a party with most of the action taking place out back on the wooden structure attached to the house! It's almost certainly one of those two things. Unless, and this probably isn't even close to the mark, it has to do with somebody's sanity!

The demon is Mona Shard and she's currently in the body of a little girl (although the little girl isn't so little. Maybe Mona Shard made her look more adult so the tons of sex she was having wouldn't be so weird). Mona Shard thinks being in the body of a little girl makes her safe but Katana points out that the little girl isn't really worth saving. Because, as Katana says, "she's a bully. A novice in the art of sadism. A bad seed." I'm sure glad Katana says everything three times so that I'm sure to understand one of them!

Mona Shard is a whiny little bitch.

Katana gets tired of hearing Mona and the girl whose body she's in squabbling. So she says, "Two brats fighting over who's the bigger brat? Don't kids get to have childhoods anymore?" I wish Katana had said each of those sentences three ways because I don't understand what she's getting at! They're acting like children but they haven't had a childhood? Oh wait! I think it's profound! I only know that because I don't understand it, so it must be philosophy!

Katana tells Mona Shard her Secret Origin story about how she liked collectible card games. She also liked forcing brothers to compete for her affection. The only way to collect the weapon cards she was currently collecting was to wait for a visit from the Ghost Train full of Living Weapon Freaks! It was a super tough set to finish!

I'm sure this is some kind of metaphor for how the Soultaker Sword tore the Tatsu, Maseo, and Takeo apart since it's just a story being told by Katana. Because as a true story, it's fucking ridiculous!

Later, Tatsu gets some wise advice from an old man. I know it's wise because it's so stupid. Tatsu takes it all in and promises to eat more carrots. I think that's some kind of perverse old man innuendo.

After the story, the Ghost Train reappears! Katana stabs Mona Shard and the train at the same time and Mona Shard winds up on the Ghost Train. But she doesn't have a card? After that, Katana and the bully become best friends and go on to have many wild adventures in the old west. The end!

Katana Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I hated it so much that it was the best Ann Nocenti story in a long while! I bet it would make sense if I thought about it but who wants to ruin such a magical ghost trainwreck of a story! I wonder if she gave an interview with somebody where she explains the story she wanted to tell before fucking it all up in the script?

Grayson #5

Dick and balls! Merry Christmas!

Last issue, Dick was given a new assignment at Hadrian's Finishing School for Horny Young Women. He will now be teaching a class on acrobatics. He must also teach the class in his new persona of Jacques de Constamment, Frenchman whose ever-present erection in his tights is not due to the nubile young women in his class rolling about with their sexy parts jiggling or bending over to display their engorged, female packages outlined by their tight uniforms, but the thoughts of their strong, tight-assed, shirtless brothers practicing rowing at Oxford and Cambridge.

This issue begins with possibly the best scene so far in The New 52.

I bet it ends with the mother dying and Midnighter running off with the baby calling Apollo on his communicator yelling, "I've got one! I've got one!"

The warbird crashes in a desert as the baby is delivered safely. But the mother dies. I think this is how the movie "Two Gay Men, A Hard Assed Bitch, and A Baby" began. If all of the adults die in the desert, the baby will also die. Therefore, the baby should be their first meal when they're about to starve. After they've finished eating the placenta and the mother, of course.

ARGUS's EMP probably fried all of the communication devices, so the team are on their own two hundred miles from the nearest city.

What's the best way to prepare baby?

Shouldn't Apollo be sitting up on The Carrier with a feeling that Midnighter is in trouble. Then he can fly down to Earth and use his Gaydar to find him. Is that how Gaydar works?

They begin their trek across two hundred miles of desert. How long does it take to walk two hundred miles? Can't take more than a few hours, right? Can't Midnighter run it with his super legs and super lungs? Although when Midnighter announces within one minute of the crash that they're all dead, that means they're all dead, right? He can look at every aspect of a situation and calculate all the possibilities in just a few seconds. If Midnighter can't see a way out then there isn't a way out!

Midnighter comes up with the same plan I came up with! Eat the baby! Although he has more information that's probably pertinent to their situation.

I was wondering if the Spyral Hypnos implant was still working after the EMP.

Somehow the baby has Paragon's heart inside of it. I guess that's the easiest way to smuggle a super organ. Or, if not easiest, maybe most secretive? The Midnighter is a callous bastard that's only thinking about survival. I like him! But Dick Grayson, Mr. Too Nice For His Own Good, would probably rather die than sacrifice the baby to survive. The only reason he's fighting to get back to civilization is to save the baby. And the only way the baby dies is if Grayson dies trying to save it. No other options exist. Probably. Maybe some option involving The Batman still exists! Does Batman have a secret cache of emergency supplies buried somewhere in this desert?

They continue their journey for two more days as Midnighter explains the situation to Grayson (probably for the hundredth time). Midnighter's power is to see possibilities. He points out Helena is wounded and won't make it another day. In another day, Helena drops. But what is it that Midnighter can't see with his ability to see all possible outcomes? Is he blind to the motives and actions of a guy that truly puts other people first? Can Midnighter simply not see how Grayson will react because Grayson's personality is so foreign to anything Midnighter has ever encountered in his arrogant, cynical, survivalist life with Stormwatch?

I bet Batman once forced Dick to walk further with less supplies in a harsher environment!

On Day 5, Midnighter challenges Dick to a fight for the baby. Dick keeps walking. Day 6, Midnighter is still discussing the fight. Dick keeps walking. Day 7, Midnighter is losing steam. Dick's still walking. Batman sure knows how to train his kids!

Maybe Dick is gaining energy from the heart by keeping the baby close. He's like a cat and he's stealing the baby's breath at night!

After this, I'm starting to think a Batman/Midnighter fight will just be anticlimactic.

Day 9 and Dick's still walking. How slow is he going? Jesus! Pick up the pace!

Dick tells the baby a dream about how you do what's right even if you're facing certain death. You still stand up and you do what you have to do.

On Day 10, Dick collapses with the baby in his arms. But Arabic Ma and Pa Kent come to the baby's rescue! And, probably, Dick's as well. I'm sure Dick will give them the baby instead of taking the baby to Spyral where it will get its heart ripped out! And then the baby can grow up to be Arabic Superman! And then I can go fishing with my grandfather and I'll say, "Grandfather. What's prejudiced?" And he'll say, "Where'd you hear that word?" And I'll say, "Well, I was talking to Arabic Superman and he...." And grandfather will interrupt me and say, "What? There's a fucking Arabic Superman?! Holy shit!"

Holy shit! A fucking Arabic Superman!

Oh yeah, Helena and Midnighter also survive. Midnighter is traded back to Stormwatch for the return of Agent 19, whoever that is. And, as you can see, the baby is presumed dead.

Grayson #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sorry, Swamp Thing. But your Machine Queen issue doesn't even compare to this issue of Grayson. When is DC Comics going to have a company wide meeting in which they compare a story like this to those other shitty stories which rely on Narration Boxes to get their message across? Look how elegant this story was? And just think how easily it could have been ruined with Narration Boxes. I suppose, as well, that Narration Boxes themselves don't ruin a story. Some writers know when to use them and to best utilize them. It's just that when I see lots and lots of Narration Boxes, I'm instantly wary because they're often just used as a crutch for a writer with poor comic book scripting skills.

Grayson #4

Uh oh! Somebody pissed off the Spider Women of Spider Island!

After last issue, Spyral probably held a meeting about Dick Grayson and his usefulness to the team. And even though he keeps not following orders and he was sort of responsible for Agent 8's death and he's probably fucking every woman in the organization, Mister Spyral Minos still wants him on the team. At the meeting, he probably had to say, "Just trust me!", about twenty times to his outraged lieutenants. I almost went with "sergeants" because lieutenants is so hard to spell but I got it right on the first try anyway! Not because I'm good at spelling (I'm not terrible!) but because I just got lucky on the first shot. I find, with spell-checker, I'm getting lazier and lazier about my spelling. I just take a few stabs at spelling a word and if I can't get it right, I left-click on it, choose the correct spelling, and move on without having learned a thing.

Back to Mister Spyral Minos, he probably wants Dick on the team for some long con against Bruce Wayne. They currently have him hunting down the body parts of some guy named Paragon, probably for dual reasons: to keep him busy, and to, well, you know, find the body parts of Paragon. While Dick is kept distracted with his spy job, Mister Spyral Minos is probably setting up some scheme to bring down the Batman once and for all. Or he's just grooming Dick so he can get a shot at that ass too.

I don't think the creative team eats a lot of lollipops because it isn't the sucking sound that annoys other people. It's the constant clicking of the lollipop against the teeth that drives them nuts. Although "suck, suck" is much funnier than "clickety clackety" and gets the message across better. Also every person reading is imagining a dick in Dick's mouth. By the way, I'm a sucker, not a hater. Um, of lollipops!

It's time for another mission! This time, Dick and Helena get to infiltrate Checkmate and steal a hard drive with information on Paragon! Which seems like a difficult mission to do since once somebody has a hard drive with important information on it, don't you think they'd copy that information to other drives and clouds and Hello Kitty USB data storage devices? You can't put the genie back in the bottle! Well, sometimes you can, if you're really smart and tricky. You just have to use the genie's arrogance against himself (or herself! Some genies can be female! I saw it on a television show. I think if you're a 'djinn', you're male; if you're a 'Jeannie', female).

We haven't seen a lot from Checkmate in The New 52, so this could be interesting. Or it could just be a lot of "Get them, Pawns!" and "Yes sir, Rook sir!" and "Who let Bishop in the children's ward?!"

Meanwhile at Saint Hadrian's finishing school, a lot of curious girls are coming into their sexuality and practicing kissing on each other and practicing fucking on thick candles. Um, I think. That's what goes on in finishing schools, right?

Holy crap! There's a b-b-b-b-b-boy in the building! Where'd Matron lock up those candles?!

Lucky Dick! Now he's got a band of horny young teenaged murderesses after him! I've never been so envious.

Dick probably won't think he's so lucky since he has a lot of secrets he's trying to keep from everybody at Spyral and Saint Hadrian's. These dripping young lasses might stumble upon one of his Bat Devices! And then where will he be? Oh! Probably having sex with an underage vixen that's blackmailing him into having sex with her or else she'll report him to Mister Minos! Gosh, what a horrible turn of events that would be!

Dick's sucker was actually a means to try to pick up some DNA samples from Mister Minos. I know a better way of sucking that would get a bigger sample! Um, anyway, the sucker was sent off to Batman for analysis and Bruce discovered that Mister Minos keeps a supply of tiny, hungry nanobots that eat all of his DNA so that he doesn't leave any forensic evidence anywhere. Gross. I bet Mister Minos just masturbates all over his office because he knows his little robots will clean it right up for him.

How cute. They're having a bit of a tiff.

This is an excellent example of how to do a comic book well when you hold back information from the reader. Too many comic books begin in the action on the first couple of pages and then flash back to tell the whole story from the beginning. Or they keep having characters learn things which move the plot forward but refuse to give the reader the same information to keep the mystery going. But this book is doing the Paragon thing right. Stormwatch killed some guy named Paragon (or just dismembered him (or, according to this line about the heart by Midnighter, blew him up in orbit)) and now Spyral and Midnighter are separately searching for his parts (as well as other organizations. Emphasis on "organ!"). The reader doesn't know the whole story because this comic doesn't rely on that story for forward momentum. Sure, it's what the plot is all about. But the comic is about Dick and Bruce and their infiltration of Spyral. The pacing on the revelation of the Paragon stuff has been nicely done. Especially this part where we finally get some Apollo action. It's all balanced nicely between the spy stuff and the Bruce stuff and the young girls lusting after Dick stuff.

Oh! They're college girls! Even better! I mean, obviously even better because of arbitrary laws about sexual activity and very specific ages!

Oh, don't get your thick cotton undies in a twist, ya damn Puritans! I'm not interested in the youngings! I'm forty-three and I can barely deal long term with anybody, male or female, born post Empire Strikes Back! Although Nick at Nite has given many young people the pop culture knowledge to interact with my exact level of immaturity. And now with easy access to all media ever, the lines between generations blur rapidly between any two people of any age who are simply curious to consume as much as they can. So while the Empire Strikes Back limit used to be a visceral thing (probably right up to about the turn of the century), now that we're all online, the different generations share many of the same experiences. Like ease of access to tons of pornography!

Pornography should be my generation's "At your age, we had to walk uphill in the snow to school."

Old Tess: "When I was your age, I had to find my pornography in the bushes down the side of a steep creek covered in poisonous snakes and spiders! And we didn't get to pick what kind of porn we masturbated to! Oh no! Beggars can't be heterosexuals! If it was gay male porn, you just squinted a bit and pretended that was a woman's hairy asshole. Oh! Speaking of hair! I don't even know the first time I saw actual female genitalia and not just bush! I once found a magazine called "Girls Who Eat Cum" which was just shot after shot of penises shooting their load onto women's faces. Not a tit or snatch in sight! Did that stop me? By golly, no! I treasured that porn like it was, well, like it was porn! Porn was gold in those days! Oncet, and yes I meant oncet, I found a black and white porn cartoon of Santa's elves fucking Missus Claus. That was all I had for weeks and it was enough! I hid it in the branches of a fucking tree at my elementary school! Okay, I guess it was enough because I wasn't actually masturbating yet. But I could get a boner! Good god could I get a boner! A boner like you never saw before! Young and eager and straining at the waist band of my underwear! Giddy with the possibilities of future sexual adventures! Sexual adventures like, well, I don't know! I guess my ding dong would rub up on the woman's nether hair or something?"

Uh oh! They're onto Dick! Good thing Helena has a crush on him! She'll never rat him out!

Mister Minos must be playing a game with Helena because if I had hired Batman's pool boy and then secret transmissions suddenly began leaving my facility, I'd immediately suspect Batman's pool boy! Everybody remains loyal to Batman! Even Jason Todd is loyal to Batman! Even though he never killed the Joker with a crowbar like he probably should have.

Trade four inexperienced girls for one tiger of a woman like Matron? Baws yes!

Bruce Wayne is a genius. By sending Dick Grayson to a spy school for girls, he'll never be caught! Because all the women just want to eat his tight ass! Spy schools expect a little subterfuge and sabotage now and then. So who cares if Dick Grayson is a spy as long as he's a spy willing to make mama happy.

Later, Dick gets reprimanded by Mister Minos for exposing himself to the young girls on campus.

Come and knock on our door! Take a step that is new! Where the faces are hers and spirals and unmemorable! Three's company too!

Helena reports back to Mister Minos about the unknown broadcasts on campus. She hands over some mini-cameras that one of the girls was using to spy on staff. That's the one that got all the nearly naked pictures of Dick Grayson! Lotti, the camera girl, receives extra credit for her imaginative extra-curricular activities. And all the young girls get paddled for breaking curfew. Why isn't that scene in this comic book? Doesn't DC want to sell lots and lots of comic books?! Doesn't DC like money?

The issue ends with Helena getting Dick Grayson to chase her across the rooftops. Helena has an elementary school crush on Dick Grayson! Except Helena will know what to do once he catches her.

Grayson #4 Rating: I'm not rating the issues this month. I'm just revamping the rankings. Across four issues, Grayson has been a surprisingly charming and fun book. Tim Seeley and Tom King understand the character. They seem to have a plan to fit Dick Grayson into a world that he, at the most fundamental levels of his character, doesn't fit into. Plus Midnighter has been a supporting character!

Grayson #2

The logo looks like a font I would have designed in third grade.

You know how I begin most of my reviews bullshitting about anything except the comic book? I've run out of stuff to ramble about. So I need readers to send in finished pieces that I can pretend I wrote and add them to future reviews. You won't get any compensation or notoriety or acknowledgment from me that you put in some extra work that I pawned off as my own. But if you're tricky, you can make the first letter of each word spell out your name! I probably wouldn't notice anything so subversive. I might add the word "fuck" to your piece a half dozen times so that it actually sounds like I wrote it. Just think of it as charity! I am a poor orphan down on his luck and out of ideas, and you're a noble, rich, sexy wordsmith that has plenty of great ideas oozing out of your butthole which you'd love to drip into my waiting maw! Mmm! Succulent stories! Nutty themes! Steamy and profound philosophical arguments!

Maybe you'll get a certificate of some kind that says you helped out! You can join the "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea And I!" Club! Man, that's clever! I didn't know I could get more cleverer! But there it was! I did it! "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea And I!" Genius!

Oh was it, Batman? It would have been nice to have been invited as opposed to having to just look at black and white art of the event.

The Midnighter has taken a leave of absence from Stormwatch to get his head back together after some accident defeating some jerko named Paragon. He's busy spying on Spyral for some clues to fix his brain and his number one target is Dick Grayson. He doesn't know it's Dick because Spyral has anti-facial recognition software that makes their agents faces look like reverse beer goggles.

Dick and Helena are busy searching for a guy with a cybernetic stomach somewhere in the English countryside. I don't know how they're supposed to find it. Maybe the guy's stomach pings instead of growls? Perhaps he eats batteries? Maybe Dick is going to go around punching everybody in the stomach until he breaks his fist? Or maybe he'll just stand around looking like an awkward, obvious foreigner until the woman with the metal stomach finds him, lures him into her lair, and tries to eat him.

Who are T.H.E.Y.?

Instead of battling the superspeedster cannibal, Dr. Ashemoore, Helena Bertinelli offers her a job working for Spyral. They'd have to take her stomach, of course. But she'd get a lab and all the funding she needs for her experiments. Dick wants no part in hiring a cannibal so he falls unconscious or something. It's all very technical and spyey.

And after all that spy stuff happens in which Spyral gathers up another piece of the Weather Satellite, Batman laughs.

How dare they laugh at Alfred after all he's done for them!

Grayson #2 Rating: No change. This feels like a comic book that would have been just fine if they'd let some other hero have the starring role and just left Dick Grayson alive and happy to run around as Nightwing. So they'd have to change two pages where the hero isn't able to act so familiar with Batman on the radio. Big deal! If Nightwing were still around, we'd have plenty of pages of Batman and Nightwing having touching conversations! We could even have some poignant Dick and Alfred moments. But not now! Nope! Dick's dead! Okay, he's fake dead right now. But The Midnighter is after him so it won't be long until he's real dead.

Grayson #1

The gun is a big "Fuck You!" to Batman.

My comic book store forgot that I added this to my pull list so I was able to choose which cover I wanted instead of being at their mercy. The choice was the cover above or a white cover with no art on it at all. While that cover looked clean, I felt like I wasn't getting my $2.99 worth. Also, I read comics to be entertained by the words and images and not to sit staring at a stark white space and thinking, "That's really clean!"

Getting back to Dick and his gun, does anybody think Batman approves? Batman always gets snotty whenever he sees a non-cop good guy with a gun. I think Dick chose to use one because he's super pissed that Batman has forced him to go into hiding without informing Babs and Alfred that he's not dead. He's also using a gun so DC could use the tag line "You don't know Dick" in their promos. That promo, by the way, was truly offensive. Don't tell me that I don't know dick! I know a lot about dick! Stop infantilizing your audience, DC! We're adults! I bet 98% of your audience has sucked a big, fat cock! At least 98% of the audience that is into Nightwing, anyway.

DC, I don't think you meant for this to read how it reads.

Dick Grayson is now working for Spyral. Unless it's Spiral. Unless it's something completely different. He's Agent 37 for some reason that probably means something to Tim Seeley but doesn't mean anything to me. Dick is new at his job so it's not his fault that, as he boards the Trans-Siberian Railroad, he's spotted by a Midnighter look-a-like named Black Oak. Black Oak watches Dick battle with security on top of the train and thinking how great this would look as a film. Why hasn't Hollywood optioned this already?! A fight on top of a train in the first scene! Sold!

While Dick engages in battle atop the train, a woman (possibly The Matron of Spyral (unless it's Spiral)) seduces the ever-hungry fat person. It's always so comical to have a fat person on screen (not on page because, really, this should be a movie already!) say things like, "So hungry!" The fat guy's first name is Lenin backwards which is clever in a way that isn't really clever but has enough similarity to clever that nobody will notice how not clever it actually is.

I imagine this entire scene will play out for a few pages as Dick and The Matron work their way through their own individual action packed scenes before meeting up in the cabin to fuck while the beginning credits roll with a profile of a naked woman doing sexual things to a gun while a song so similar to Goldfinger plays that the audience has to wonder why Goldfinger wasn't just used for every fucking movie.

Obviously she was intercepted by Black Oak's matron. Nobody but sitcom producers believe that a woman this striking would be interested in Mister Ninel "So Hungry" Dubovanov.

I couldn't figure out what other action Agent 37 would have to get into before fucking because I instantly assumed the blonde was Dick's Matron. But this makes so much more sense! I don't watch a lot of spy movies, so I'm a bit rusty with their motifs. Obviously, Dick is going to have to fuckfight this blonde woman. The credits will roll after he regrets having to knock her out before doing it with her. But that's okay because just before the beginning credits roll, he'll get to passionately kiss Matron in that way old screen actors kissed where they press their lips together tightly and mash their faces together awkwardly.

I bet those evil jerks over at C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. are all, "This book is a very, very intriguing start to a very, very new comic book! I'm very intrigued and you should be too!" I wonder what C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. stands for? Probably something really evil and slimy and perverse! They're so evil and slimy and perverse! Totally my archenemies!

Look at how fast that train is going! This comic book wants to be a movie so badly!

Dick manages to spill some wine on Van Damsel and she calls him an idiot in Russian. I don't know why DC couldn't translate "idiot" for the masses! Is that a swear word? No, if it were a swear word, I would use it more. Van Damsel storms off to radio back to headquarters that her seduction attempt has been diverted for a moment. Because Mister So Hungry probably would hate to fuck her with that wine stain on her clothes. Gross!

I hate when my grandmothers bunch up on me!

The wine Dick spilled apparently contained a toxin that is delivered through whatever breasts are made of because Van Damsel passes out while Dick kidnaps Mr. So Hungry. Nenil must be full of some kind of toxin or explosive or nuclear device because Dick is warned that Nenil cannot be breached. So Dick uses Spyral's (unless it's Spiral's) hypno-tech to convince him that they're Best Russian Friends Forever. I guess it's so the guy will follow him and Dick won't have to keep carrying him since he's so fat and hungry.

I'm disappointed that no spy sex has happened so far but I'm not counting it out yet because Black Oak attacks Dick! And by Black Oak, I mean Midnighter! So he wasn't just a look-a-like! He's the real deal and since he hasn't been allowed to battle Batman yet, Dick Grayson is the next best thing. I feel bad for Dick though. His first issue and he's already battling people that he can't beat? How embarrassing must it be to get beat up in your debut issue? Although if Dick can't beat him in hand to hand combat, he might be able to beat him by using spy seduction techniques. That might be Dick's only chance.

Although for Dick to seduce Midnighter, he really has to be into fucking men. Because Midnighter will be able to tell how much the blood flow to Dick's penis has changed by the flush on Dick's cheeks and the rate of his heartbeat. Midnighter probably has the best gaydar in the DCU.

Unless it's Spiral.

Lucky for Dick, Nenil wakes up and blasts the fuck out of Midnighter who flies fifteen bajillion babushkas away. The reason Nenil has been so hot and so hungry isn't because he's so fat at all. It's because he's smuggling some kind of super weapon inside his body. Dick was sent by Spyral to capture him so they can, well, probably use him for their own purposes. Unless Dick does some of that super tricky undercover shit where he "accidentally" pulls the super device out of Nenil's ass and helps him escape.

I guess as long as Dick is able to pretend that Ninel was helped by Spyral, everything is okay.

His name is Mr. Minos because Spyral has a labyrinth fetish. Her name is Helena Bertinelli because that's what her parents named her. I wonder if she'll mention the story of her passport having been stolen a few years back.

Back at Dick's base which is a dorm very close to Hadrian's Finishing School for Girls dorm (that makes it sexy! Unless the girls are underage! I mean, that still might be sexy depending on the circumstances and the people involved since "underage" doesn't mean children but "can't be seen as sexual in any way at all due to an arbitrary number decided upon by law"), he reports back to Matches Malone via hidden communicator. His message is, "I don't know anything yet but I wanted the readers to know that I was in contact with you while infiltrating Spyral to figure out who Mr. Minos really is since his face simply appears as a swirling swirl."

The issue ends with a scene of Mr. Minos speaking with Otto Netz's granddaughter. They seem to be concentrating on two things: finding organs from the Paragon Protocol, and discovering the secret identities of superheroes. Of course, the reason Batman sent Dick to infiltrate Spyral was to find out if they knew his secret identity and to somehow force them to forget it. Part of the reason they brought in Dick Grayson was because of his close ties to the super hero community. I think. Maybe. Perhaps if I find a review of this issue by the villains at C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E., they'll be able to explain it to me fully!

Grayson #1 Rating: I'll begin this comic ranked at about #20 since I like Dick Grayson. Finally! I never really cared about him before The New 52 but I like the role he's grown into and how he's become one of the few people Batman respects as an equal. What I don't like is that he's been separated from the Batfamily and most of his best moments are when he's helping Batfamily members through difficult situations with his calm demeanor and sloppy hugs.

Comicsverse hasn't done a review of Grayson #1 so I can't point out how many times they use "very" in their reviews. Foiled!