Futures End #32

When did Galactus enter this story?

Are we at the big surprise reveal where we find out that there is a Brainiac above the normal Collector of Worlds Brainiac that is a Collector of Universes Brainiac? No? Okay. I guess we'll just read some more filler until then.

Five years in the Futures End future, people still wear puffy jackets and handlebar mustaches. I find that hard to swallow! Shouldn't everybody be wearing invisible skin warming plasticine which shows off every nook and cranny because in five years we'll all be above such bourgeois notions of nakedness, and everyone has stopped tittering relentlessly when they see other people's ding-dongs and doo-dads? That's how I see the future! A relentless onslaught of penises and vaginas passing by and nobody is turned on in the least, thanks to a daily Governmental cocktail composed of lithium, birth control, and diabetic medications. Oh yeah, we're all super fat and unhealthy in five years as well!

See? Fat and unhealthy! And Coke rules with an iron, yet mouth puckeringly sweet, fist.

This is the kind of dialogue that brings a comic book to life and helps the reader to feel they're sneaking a glimpse at a story that could possibly be taking place just on the other side of some wispy veil separating realities. It's not magical dialogue. It's not intellectual dialogue on profound themes. It's just an unimportant side character stating an opinion contrary to Plastique's opinion. I think, too often, a writer will want to put forth their own opinions of the world through the mouths of the characters instead of building characters with their own perspectives, perspectives that often differ with one another. And while some people might focus on the fact that a grown man has never had a slice of pizza, this pizza guy doesn't bat an eye at that and just points out, from his experience, she's giving a newbie the wrong slice. It's really just a throw away moment that many people might skim past while wondering when the action will start. But moments like this are important. Mundane moments with characters actually interacting with one another instead of being mouthpieces for the writer's opinions. This helps me to connect with the story and the characters. Now maybe when Plastique finally faces her demise, I might actually remember her excited face from this scene as she introduces pizza to a new friend, and her interaction with this working guy that makes sense, and I might fucking care a little bit.

Maybe. It's also possible I'll completely forget this scene in the next twenty minutes.

Terry McBatman is lucky she didn't make his face explode.

Judging by the above scene, I don't think Future-Brother-Eye-Infected Plastique was attacking Terry McBatman in Futures End issues zero and one. She was just trying to give him a kiss.

Cole Cash is busy trying to get his Earth-Main-Earth Registration Card so people will stop thinking he's a Twofer. Or so they stop thinking he's Lana Lang's husband. That could get him in trouble with Superman! Except this is Twofer Lana Lang and I don't think Superman gives a shit about Twofer Lana Lang. If only Cole's brother wasn't a gigantic corpse, they could use him as a character witness. Cole's only choice now is to deal with being thought of as the Earth-2 version of himself (even though he's from the Wildstorm Earth already! Right? The one that merged with the Vertigo and the Main Earth!) or spend six months in lockup as he waits for an inquiry into his origins.

My recommendation to Grifter is that he doesn't go to court. He doesn't want his history dredged up because does he really want to be reminded that he starred in the worst comic of the initial batch of New 52 comics?

The whole toilet seat up or down thing is Sexist Comedy 101 that I could rant about for hours. But since this repartee is adorable, I think I can let it slide this time.

Meanwhile, Fifty Sue becomes Mini-Deathstroke With Pigtails. And by "pigtails," I mean "two unbraided bunches of hair on opposite sides of Fifty Sue's head." Pigtails is easier to say.

The guy on the cover turns out to be what Dr. Yamazake has become. He's an incorporeal being with the power to control magnetism. So he built himself the Different-Enough-From-Galactus-To-Not-Be-Sued suit and begins plotting his revenge against The Justice League. Although can he really call it revenge when they've done nothing to him at all and every slight he believes they've committed against him is entirely made up in his own mind? Isn't that something other than revenge?

And finally, Ray Palmer's Stormwatch has arrived back at Earth. Or at least "an Earth." I'm sure it's not the Earth they think it is. I bet it's...PREBOOT EARTH! But before they can investigate it, Hawkman and The Engineer need to fuck.

The Engineer must be infected by a self-hating, low self-esteem causing virus because ick.

Ray Palmer's Stormwatch is intercepted by Father Time and taken aboard The Ant Farm, SHADE headquarters. They want The Engineer to help them defeat Brainiac and Father Time is willing to release every monster in The Zoo to get her. I guess next issue will be Godzilla versus Frankenstein! How come that was never a Universal Picture?

Futures End #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Terry McBatman had better stop flirting with Plastique and get on with the Case of the Mister Terrific's Murderer (Hint: It will be Terry McBatman!). Mister Terrific is about to release his uSpheres into New York city and then that will be that. Lois Lane will get her hands on one and then she'll sync up her Brother Eye infected phone to her Brainiac infested uSphere and everybody can kiss the world goodbye. Then Lois will be all, "uSphere, find me the most authentic Indian cuisine in the area that delivers at one in the morning." And her uSphere will be all, "UNH UNH UNH TAKE IT, BROTHER EYE! TAKE MY FULL DATA STREAM!" And her phone will be all, "I HOPE YOU'RE USING WPA2 BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WIND UP WITH A SELF-REPLICATING EXECUTABLE!" And Lois will be, "I'm starving!"

Futures End #28

What's something totally recognizable in Gotham that we can have the Batmen crash into while fighting (even though they're battling in New York City?)? I know!

I know, I know! The fight in New York ended almost immediately when Plastique blew the poop out of everybody in Tim Drake's apartment. This cover probably represents the next meeting of the Batmen! It doesn't look like it goes any better.

Do you think an editor would have told me that I can't use the phrase "I know" three times in a row? Probably! But who needs editors anyway? Don't you dare say I do, you traitor.

This issue begins with Lois Lane not being eaten by sharks because she parachuted onto Cadmus Island and not into the ocean like we all thought was going to happen, right? Right? You all thought that too, right? Thought that this issue would be twenty pages of Lois Lane drowning while hallucinating a happy life courting and eventually marrying Superman? Then at the last minute, she would be saved from drowning by a shark and die from blood loss and shock instead.

On Cadmus Island, Lois runs into an OMAC, and then an OMAC, and then another OMAC, an OMAC, an OMAC, two OMACS, then another OMAC, and finally somebody she recognizes (not an OMAC).

Has Lois Lane ever worn a Lantern ring? Did she call herself Lois Lantern?

Over in Frank Rock's office, Frank and King Faraday and, soon, Fifty Sue and Voodoo are all trying to figure out who is going to kill whom and what enemy is the worst and how do any of them work together when some of them want to kill some of the others and what the fuck is going on in this comic book again?

Voodoo's steez is pretty kickin', yo.

Wait, wait. I think I got this, Voodoo. See, your buddy Grifter was taken by Faraday to be part of a team that would remove superheroes from the world. But that team was infiltrated by Brother Eye so Faraday turned the team's attention to destroying Brother Eye. But then Faraday realized he needed a back-up plan to kill the super powered members of his team who were busy defeating Brother Eye and/or killing and capturing other super powered people! So he hired Frank Rock's Girl Squad to kill Fifty Sue. But then Deathstroke joined with Brother Eye in an attempt to kill Fifty Sue which made Fifty Sue want to kill Deathstroke which caused her to seek out Faraday and join the team that was put together to kill her. Easy peasy!

Meanwhile, Batman and Batman Beyond do not smash into the Batsignal. And Tim Drake, Ronnie Raymond, and Jason Rusch all search for Madison Payne. But they'll never find her because she's with Doctor Yamazake testing out his teleportation device. Such a helpful lass.

Futures End #28 Rating: No Ratings November continues! Judging by the cover of Futures End #29 and the "in next issue" pics, it looks like Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch are going to break up permanently.

Look how terrified poor Ronnie is of merging with a female!

Futures End #27

Lois Lane, you big dumb dumb! Stop doing risky things! Billy Batson isn't in love with you and won't be there to save your ass!

Here's my new Lois Lane web comic idea that I'm sure has never, ever, ever been done before! Ever!

I'll probably never draw another one because you get the idea. She'll continually encounter things that are scoops but not the scoop you'd normally expect Lois to be interested in! Totally hilarious! In the next one, she admires a bulldozer.

This issue begins on the Isle of Can It Get Any More Boringer?! That's the island where Green Arrow trains his army of archers that will be useless against everything. Unless the entire show revolves around him and then arrows are way better than bullets and practically the only thing that ever actually wounds anybody. As opposed to real life where a guy out on the streets shooting arrows might wound one person before he gets his ass maced by some pizza delivery woman just passing by. And especially as opposed to comic books where villains have super powers and should never, ever be brought down by a guy shooting arrows. Ever! My suspension of disbelief can only be bent so far before I scream "Uncle!" And a guy shooting arrows being good enough to join the Justice League? "UNCLE MOTHERFUCKER! UNCLE!"

Although he's still way better than some jerk who can swim well and speaks with fishies.

Speedy needs two quivers because he's not as accurate as Ollie.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane discovers that two people can play that game where you creepily wait for the other person to arrive and then say, "Hello! I've been waiting for you!" And the other person is all, "How the fuck long have you been waiting? You never could have known when I'd be back!" And the first person smiles slowly and puts their dick back in their pants.

This might be my favorite Red Robin moment yet in the entire New 52! I can't stand when people think they can pull weird fucking stalkery shit on you but it's suddenly "call the police time" when you break into their apartment and steal all of their underwear.

Tim tells Lois that Madison left him and Lois says, "Because you were lying to her, right?" Fuck that nonsense! She left because her stupid feelings were hurt because Tim didn't confide in her something that he wanted to leave in his past forever! She's an immature child to feel that her expectations of Tim are more important than Tim's reality. Fuck her! I hope she's currently a Brundlefly!

Tim Drake tells Lois Lane to go parachute into the middle of the ocean and, judging by the cover, she takes his advice! Without Superman around to save her! Or Jimmy Olsen to photograph her bravery! I think her brain was fried from Billy Batson's lightning bolt.

Over on Cadmus Island, Deathstroke tells Grifter that they can't leave the island until he finishes with some unfinished business.

Oh Grifter! Now you're being entertaining? Two years too late to keep your own title alive!

Mister Miracle scouts the island and finds a medical lab where they seem to be grafting Aquawoman onto an OMAC. Or something. Sometimes it's hard to tell what an artist is trying to get across in a scene. Especially if that artist is Tony S. Daniel and he's also the writer. Man, he's horrible at choreographing his own stories so that they make sense!

The Green Arrow Army Featuring Big Barda have finally located Cadmus Island and are moving in to battle the OMACs. And back at the Wounded Duck, Plastique and Terry McBatman are relaxing with some beers and discussing steezes. Which I totally know what they are because I'm down with the hip lingo, daddy-o.

Did Tim hire Alfred to tend bar while he's stalking Lois Lane?

Also, I think I just fell a little bit in love with Plastique.

She should have her own 50s sitcom.

Terry McBatman breaks into Tim's apartment and is immediately caught by The Batman which, I think, is a huge no-no! This has time paradox written all over it! But Plastique saves the day by blowing everybody to smithereens! Yay!

Finally, Lois Lane's pilot and friend Buck allows her to jump out of his plane into the middle of the ocean. What an asshole.

Futures End #27 Rating: +1 Ranking! Plastique is just so dreamy! *SIGH* Stop looking at her, you other readers! Fuck off! She's my crush now! Also, don't tell Tig because she's an evil vampire and she might not like me looking at other comic book women.

The Fury of Firestorm #20

Hopefully Firestorm is going to throw them in a room until they learn to love each other. And then learn to kiss each other. And then learn to fuck each other.

I think Firestorm died last issue. Along with Ronnie's mom and Typhoon and Black Bison and Killer Frost and Multiplex. Plastique blew the crap out of everyone because she's psychotic and I have a feeling if any of the Bureaucratic Bureau of Assassins survived the explosion, they'll think twice about hiring anybody with such a chaotic super power. When hiring for a super villain society, your first concern should be avoiding super powers with a high percentage of friendly fire. I would just go by name. Plastique? No. Tuberculosis? Nope. Shitstorm? Fuck no.

I guess Firestorm didn't die since Tonya and Jason's father are dragging him into an alley on the first page and he's moaning in pain. Also, Jason's disembodied head is floating around trying to talk with them.

I hate Jason's disembodied head! He's supposed to be part of Ronnie's consciousness. If Ronnie's knocked out, Jason should be able to take over Ronnie's body. Otherwise, he should be knocked out with Ronnie. But he shouldn't be a floating head observing what's going on around Firestorm!

When Ronnie and Jason merge to create Firestorm, Ronnie's body becomes the vehicle in which Firestorm manifests. But if Dan Jurgens is going to write Jason's head as if it's floating around observing like it is, just run with it! Firestorm could use Jason's head to phase through walls and scout out the area. Jason's head can always look behind Firestorm so that nobody can ever sneak up on them. I'm just not sure Dan Jurgens gives a shit.

Editor Mike Cotton: "Hey Dan? Why is Jason's head noticing Hyena when Firestorm is clearly unconscious on the ground with his eyes closed?
Dan Jurgens: "Fuck, dude! It's a fucking comic book, right? Who fucking cares how anything is explained?! It's a FUCK. ING. COM. IC. BOOK!"
Editor Mike Cotton: "Fine. Whatever. I guess nobody is reading this shit anymore anyway."
Dan Jurgens: "Exactly! Now do you want to snort this line off this prostitute's ass? Cause if not, I'm going again."

General Eiling's secret hero finally arrives to buy some time so that Firestorm can clear his head.

Why does Major Force look nearly identical to that idiot Black Jack that was killed in Voodoo?

Major Force must be a tough, no-nonsense type that probably likes to yell a lot. I'm stereotyping simply because he's a military guy and he's chewing on a cigar. Really? Going into combat with a cigar in your mouth? I hope he chokes on it.

This guy really, really looks like Black Jack! Like identical twin! Same costume and cigar and everything! Perhaps he went up in rank from "Black" to "Major" so he figured a name change was called for. Also, he might have decided he needed a new name after the whole decapitation fiasco. Perhaps whatever the Black Razors injected into the poor sap that became Black Jack simply turns any soldier it's used on into a cigar smoking, black skinned, white haired asshole. Then they slap on the same old costume and give him a new name.

Killer Frost, Black Bison, and Multiplex all show up and begin attacking Major Jack Force. Firestorm heads off to rescue his mom who is still being held captive by Plastique.

Let me get this straight. Plastique blew the shit out of everyone with such spectacular force that Firestorm flew three blocks. But everybody that was within a few feet of Firestorm when this happened didn't get one scratch or burn or blown out eardrum? I guess I have to begin making up my own fanboy logic. I suppose Black Bison cast a spell that protected everyone whose head was not on fire.

Meanwhile in General Eiling's secret headquarters, Superman arrives! But he's not even the most surprising guest of the night!

"Oh my god! Martin Stein! Can you please explain all that shit with Scorn and Wrath and Fury and Pissed?"

With he help of Jason's dad, Firestorm rescues Ronnie's mom and defeats Plastique and Typhoon. Once Firestorm sends the civilians off to safety, he heads back to defeat Black Bison, Killer Frost, and Multiplex with the help of Major Jack Force. Black Bison is knocked unconscious and Killer Frost is trapped in cement but Multiplex gets away. And then Major Jack Force and Firestorm leave the bad guys lying about the street as they head home in conversation.

Oh, okay. I guess the military should be able to keep these guys in custody. Just like they kept Relay, Black Star, and Skull Crusher from escaping immediately, right?

Major Jack Force tricks Firestorm into shutting down his neural something or others which causes Jason's disembodied head to suddenly become teeny, tiny Jason hanging out on the inside of Ronnie's head.

I told you Jurgens doesn't give a fuck.

Major Jack Force brings Firestorm back to Eiling's headquarters where he encounters Superman. He blows smoke in Superman's face and pays the price. No, Superman doesn't cut his head off. He just flicks him through a six foot thick metal wall. I should try that! The next time somebody lights up in front of me while walking down the sidewalk and nonchalantly begins blowing smoke over their shoulders and into my face, I'm going to flick them so fucking hard! And they'll go, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" And I'll say, "Superman supports me! You're like that asshole Major Jack Force! Ha ha! Loser! I hope you get your head cut off!" And then I'll have to explain it all to the police later. But it'll be worth it and they'll understand once they see I was merely emulating Superman!

Martin Stein says he's been monitoring Firestorm's progress from afar. So he's been watching the world teeter on the brink of destruction for nearly a year and he doesn't do shit about it? But when Firestorm is about to be kidnapped by the American Miliatry, that's when he goes to the Justice League for help? Martin Stein is a communist pinko socialist commie Marxist liberal communist commie! Martin Stein doesn't explain anything else because this comic book is nearly over and it's been cancelled. So everyone will have to wait for his bullshit lies another time. I have a feeling he was sampling sex slaves in Bangladesh for the last six months, the disgusting communist communist! Pinko Tuscadero! Liberalache! Marky Marxist!

Superman invites Firestorm to join the Justice League and they fly off into the sunset with Firestorm finally asking the most important fucking question!

Also be sure to get a per diem!

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now it didn't deal with Jason and Ronnie's romantic relationship but that's okay. More so than the other issues, Firestorm did decently in battle. Plus he asked the only question that matters when being asked to join the Justice League. But this final issue did raise some new questions that everyone will have to wait to have answered. The questions will probably be forgotten for twenty years until a current twelve year old fan of DC winds up writing for DC in 2033 and uses Major Force in a comic book where he begins having flashes of having his head cut off and realizing that the U.S. Military has been using his brain over and over again in different bodies while giving him new super hero names although forcing him to remain in the same outfit. Also there might be some stuff about Martin Stein that people are curious about.

This comic book began as one of the few comic books to really go for a different direction with Firestorm after the Reboot. So it's odd to find that Firestorm has basically ended up pretty much the way he was. Professor Stein is back. All of the "Nuclear Men" of the title are gone. Fury and Scorn and Wrath and whatnot have not made an appearance in many months and have not really been explains. It's all just back to Firestorm and the two men that merge so he can live. And Martin Stein is in there somewhere, providing hand jobs or something.