Teen Titans #19

Ugh.

The Review or Whatever!
The Teen Titans have cared only about themselves pretty much since The New 52 began (and probably before that as well!). They don't change at all this issue. Wonder Girl might even be worse now that she knows she's a demigod and isn't bound by man's laws. The entire team is composed of miserably needy and lonely extroverts who accept each other as family simply because they're in proximity of each other. Not once in any issue has there been any actual bonding or intimacy that would believably bind these assholes into the family they happily proclaim they are. I hate Red Robin. I hate Bunker. I hate Beast Boy. I hate Power Girl. I hate Raven. I hate Wonder Girl. I especially hate Superboy. Thank fuck he's gone! For now! Thankfully Rebirth is happening and I'm hoping that it will erase all of the bullshit that has caused me to hate all of these characters. They're despicable narcissists full of arrogance and entitlement. And since this issue made sure to focus on only the mission of saving Lennox and nothing that happened prior to breaking into Wonder Woman's apartment, Greg Pak will probably just pretend like the Teen Titans aren't currently wanted for assisting a wanted fugitive and breaking into a prison and whatever other bullshit they did because they get to do whatever they think is right for the "family." Fuck these assholes. I hope this was the last Goddamned issue before Rebirth.

Teen Titans #18

Normally I would be annoyed by a cover that depicts heroes battling each other. But have the Teen Titans really been acting like heroes?

Rating: No change. This may not technically be the worst DC Comic but it hasn't been very good. It's getting a little better with Greg Pak even though I mostly don't like Greg Pak's writing. At least he's telling a story that was long overdue. But he still has to use all of the unlikeable characters in this team! They're all selfish criminals! Why would I care what happens to any of them?! This is what happens when you allow lousy writers to wing it month after month without any thought to how the stories they're telling will affect how readers see the characters. I also have an aversion to super hero groups that don't have any reason to be a super hero group. The Teen Titans are really just a gang of hoodlums doing whatever they want, constantly fighting among themselves, falling in and out of love with each other without any indication of intimacy or closeness, and causing lots and lots of property damage while they're simply dealing with their own problems. What I'm saying is that the Teen Titans haven't changed a bit in decades!

• Recently, the Teen Titans have helped a super murderer (created to be a living weapon) escape from justice, broken into a prison, and escaped custody rather than answering for their crimes. They've also justified their behavior because they're selfish pricks. I probably didn't need to say that since it's right in the title: "Teen"!

• To be fair, Tim Drake did create the Teen Titans to protect meta-human teenagers all over the world. He never said any of them would be heroes! They would just be a gang of assholes protecting each other from the fucking adults who don't know everything! They have no idea what it's like to be a teenager! I mean, they did but that was a totally different time when things weren't nearly as difficult as now! Aside from a less safe world with selective service and way more expectations of behavior. But they didn't have like our problems, you know?!

• The Titans were busy looking for Cassie's father whom they found on Wonder Woman's mantel in London. I mean, they found his head. So that seems suspicious.

• Wonder Woman has caught them destroying and raiding her apartment. But she's compassionate and understanding so that makes her a total doormat. I mean, it makes her willing to understand what other people are going through and empathize with them.

• Wonder Woman calls Tim "Robin" and he doesn't correct her and say, "Actually, it's Red Robin, you stupid adult. Gosh! Leave me alone!" He probably doesn't say that because he doesn't have a room at hand which he can dramatically flounce into and slam the door behind him.

• Oops. I spoke too early. Take that, adult! You don't know everything!

• Red Robin does not tell Wonder Woman that he and the rest of the gang are escaped felons on the run. It's none of her business anyway!

• The rest of the Teen Titans have been taken by Cassandra. Cassandra can predict the future but nobody listens to her predictions so then she just gets really frustrated. That's probably why she's kind of a bad guy.

• Boo fucking hoo. Someone needs to do a whole lot more than yell at you, you fucking thief.

• Gar points out that Cassandra must be the villain of this story because she's not one of them and she's against them and an adult and a jerk too.

• Gar is wrong. Obviously the Teen Titans are the villains of this entire comic book series.

• Power Girl tells Cassie that she's her friend. They barely know each other! How off in your head do you have to be to consider somebody a friend so quickly and freely?! I should ask my friend Doom Bunny! He thinks everybody he meets is a friend!

• Doom Bunny isn't answering immediately. I'll get back to him!

Right. And what you do is constantly break the law for your own selfish purposes.

• Cassandra begins winning Cassie over by saying things that teenagers like to hear like "You have a right to be angry and lost. Nobody could have gone through what you've been through and remain as strong! Your father actually loves you even though he abandoned you. I'm your representation and you totally identify with me so you totally can even."

• The Titans battle some giant snakes as they hunt for the Rod of Asclepius beneath Apollo's temple in Delphi. They sort of find it but first Wonder Woman has to tie up Cassandra and ask her some questions like "What is your real motive behind bringing Lennox back to life?" and "Who do you think you're fooling?" and "Are you manipulating everybody for your own selfish ends because that's par for the course in a Teen Titans comic book?" Actually, Wonder Woman doesn't ask any important questions that would get to the bottom of Cassandra's plot while her lasso is around Cassandra. Instead she just says, "Tell her, Cassandra, why did you come to her?" And Cassandra says to bring Cassie's father back. Which isn't a lie but, come on! You know it's only a small part of her overall plan! This is what happens when Batman isn't around to ask the questions!

• Nobody gets beaten up by Wonder Woman like the cover fooled everybody into thinking would happen. Not that comic book fans are used to covers telling any kind of truth at all. Even though I hate how variant covers break up a collection because I don't have the "real" covers of each issue, I sort of like them better because at least they don't try to manipulate me!

Action Comics #50

I got the special Ruin the Original Cover With Adverts Variant!

Action Comics #50 Rating: No change.

Twitter would be better if it didn't allow people to comment on other people's tweets. Fully 95% of people should just stop having opinions because their opinions are boring, uninteresting, and poorly thought out. Most Reply Jokes on Twitter are just people restating the original joke in an unsubtle way and thinking that they're fucking hilarious. But I guess replying to people is the entire point of Twitter anyway. Nobody really fucking cares what anybody else has to say anyway. They just want a forum to spew their narcissistic thoughts to the other narcissists who aren't listening anyway. We know this is true because anybody who follows more than around fifty people can't be paying any attention to what the people they're following are tweeting. People who follow hundreds or thousands of other people on Twitter may as well be following nobody because their Twitter feed is now just white noise from the thousands of posts scrolling through their feed every minute.

Tumblr would be better if most of the people using Tumblr didn't exist. Fully 95% of the people on Tumblr are cats willingly walking into a room full of people in rocking chairs trying to get their tails under one of the rails so they can scream and hiss at the person having a lovely day rocking. They're people desperate to have a condition in the DSM to use as armor against any kind of criticism while at the same time moaning about how the DSM has now labeled their cognitive state as a disorder. They're kids rushing toward androgyny so that they can spit in the face of anybody who honestly misgenders them with no malice intended. They're a generation who seem to believe the greatest power they can wield is crushing free speech by ridiculing those who actually understand why it's important. You guys, they literally believe the word literally makes everything literally more literal.

Facebook would be better if it just didn't exist. Do I really need to know how many of my relatives are mean-spirited racist assholes or easily hurt downers with a mental state more fragile than their collection of crystal unicorns? How many hours of inner contemplation and self-betterment are lost to shitty games with Saga or Ville in the title? A little piece of my metaphorical soul dies every time I see any "news" story on the Trending Sidebar. And what is Facebook really used for anyway? It's pretty much just Birth Announcements and Pet Obituaries.

Blogs would be better if the people running the blogs stopped writing them as if they're speaking to an audience. Because--let's face the horribly unjust facts of my life--nobody is reading anything on the internet unless it's so they can reply with their own opinions on the topic of the blog. Nobody is entertained by other people's thoughts anymore. They just want a forum to spew forth their unwanted and probably unwashed opinions. Which is why I'm going to stop offering any and all opinions on everything. Because nobody fucking gives a shit. They just look at the title of the post and scroll down to the Comments section where they can tell me what they thought of the comic in the title. One of first people who began commenting on my blog eventually became somebody that I was glad to see commenting and with whom I eventually enjoyed interacting. But when he first began commenting? I was fucking annoyed with him! He began by simply posting his own reviews of the comic books in the comments section! I'd rather have people swinging by calling me "Lead Twat" and then getting super pissed off at me for "personal attacks" when I shot back at them and called them a dum-dum! But that's part of the problem as well! People who do actually react to my "reviews" might take them personally and then personally attack me in the comments because they feel justified. So they tend to think I fired the first shot when I can hardly even remember what stupid shit I typed the day after I typed it!

None of this has anything to do with Action Comics. But then, most of what I've written in my "comic book reviews" has very little to do with the actual comic! If you want a real review, there are plenty of shit people writing dishonest reviews because they're so afraid of pissing off any of the creators they may have once met at a con and now think of as a personal friend. Here's a quote from the Weird Science blog's Telos #6 Review to show I did the least amount of research as possible to back up my point: "I hate saying all of this because Jeff King could possibly be the nicest dude in the world and if not the nicest, he's definitely in the running......... I just don't like this series." Why does that guy use so many periods? Doesn't he know there are kids in Africa who can't end their sentences without sounding too excited or unsure because of his waste?

Regarding that last paragraph, I suppose that wasn't a dishonest review. But you can see the writer's trepidation in voicing an honest opinion because he didn't want to hurt Jeff King's feelings. Look, Eric (I think that was his name)! Don't worry about hurting a creator's feelings! They received a nice paycheck to compensate them for the amount of internet shit they're going to get over every single stupid thing they write. You know why I don't mind calling Scott Lobdell the poster child for the dangers of unsafe sex? Because he's fucking swimming in X-men cash! He doesn't give a shit what I have to say because he's got the greatest shield in the world: scads and scads of money! If he really cared about criticism, he'd stop writing garbage, right?! The only writing he really fucking seems to care about is when he's endorsing his checks at the bank. And even then, I bet his signature is mostly a line. Wait! I can actually verify that! Let me see. Where is the Big Book of First Issues he unwittingly signed for me as I stood there thinking, "You write shit, mate." Oh! Here it is beside me. Let me have a look . . . yep. Mostly a line. He can't even be bothered with his own name!

All of this is to say nothing because here I am writing a blog on the internet, posting on Tumblr, linking it to Twitter, and, occasionally, sending it over to Facebook so my friends and family can think, "What the fuck is this asshole doing with his life?" Here are my shit opinions on what is primarily shit pop culture, internet! Suck it!

A lot of the worst New 52/DC You material has just been ideas cobbled from Young Justice episodes but done much worse.

It's not that Young Justice didn't take ideas from pre-existing DC Comic book stories as well. It's just that they incorporated previous DC History into a show that took the DC Universe in its own direction (you know, an interesting one). So they took the Glorious Godfrey idea of turning the masses against the heroes and they took the whole metagene Bloodlines thing and they threw them in the Young Justice slow cooker as part of the big story. But I can't help feeling that this whole House of Dawn thing is a bit too reminiscent of Young Justice: Invasion where Vandal Savage and a host of other baddies created a secret society to turn a bunch of humans into superbeings whom they could control in an effort to take over the world. The bad guys even have a similar name for the group since in the cartoon it's The Light and here it's Dawn Command. Or Savage Dawn. Or Dawn of the Dum-Dums.

Luckily for those people who haven't been writing a blog about comic books to help them remember everything that has been going on in every monthly title DC puts out, Vandal Savage recounts the events of the Superman titles across the last year. He doesn't tie them together as neatly as he should because they don't really tie together that neatly. When all the events are mentioned quickly in the space of a couple of pages though, it sounds sort of like he had a plan that made sense. The gist of it is that Superman lost his powers and Vandal Savage drained them. With the power he stole from Superman that he could have just taken directly from the sun and in bigger quantities although that story would have been boring shit, Vandal has merged the JLA Watchtower with the Fortress of Solitude with The Eye of the Storm to create a comet magnet. Now he's going to capture the comet that gave him his powers so that he can have more power than even the power he stole from Superman or could have taken directly from the sun. And he's captured the entire Justice League so nobody can stop him now!

I mean, Superman will probably stop him. But probably not in this issue. That will probably happen in Superman #50.

Just fucking use solar power already! Stop bothering with the negligible amount of energy in Lex Luthor's fat cells. He got all of that energy from the sun to begin with!

I've never understood power as the motivation for being an evil villain. Why would anybody want to bother? Vandal Savage is immortal and has the resources to live any kind of unfettered life he'd like to live. But he'd rather spend his time causing all of this drama? I guess the power of the comet is like super-heroin.

Meanwhile, Superman is now powered by Kryptonite. It's a comic book so it doesn't have to make sense. All a comic book has to do is present an idea while raising its eyebrows and going, "Hunh? Hunh? Never thought of that before, did you?!" The idea this time is "What if Superman used Kryptonite as chemotherapy?!?!?!?!?!" I had to add all of the extra punctuation because that's how I imagine the idea was presented at the yearly "What the fuck kind of stupid ass stories are we going to put Superman in this year?" corporate board meeting.

Vandal Savage shoots Superman out of the sky while Kal is using his new Kryptonite Flight Power which works differently than his Yellow Sun Flight Power.

Batman finishes the "more importantly" statement with "he always has friends" and I sprain my wrist doing a jerking off motion.

So basically Superman's plan is to have friends. Is that really a solid plan? I currently have a friend on Facebook asking her friends for help moving and apparently nobody is responding because she sent out the second message after the plea for help which is always the "shame on you all for not helping me" message. I bet that really got everybody running to the door to help out! I suppose I could have volunteered to help but my plan is not to have friends. My plan is to do everything myself and only interact with other people when I absolutely have to.

Yeah because that would have been a dick thing to say! "Hey, friends! You're my back-up plan! But know this: there's no chance you're going to be able to do anything if me and the Justice League couldn't! Pathetic B-List losers!"

Superman's plan to have friends means he has to save his friends. So that might be a bit of a flaw in his plan. It's why he had a secret identity! So his friends don't get in the way of his plans! But now Vandal Savage has to punch Superman a whole bunch of times because Vandal's plan is to distract Superman with punches until the next part of the plan takes place. The next part is when the comet is close enough to Earth to turn all of Savage's offspring into super assholes.

All of Superman's friends ask themselves, "What would Superman do?" And the answer to that is "throw his life away by relying on friends instead of making plans." So they all stick around Metropolis as the Eye of the Storm begins crashing into it. If I were one of Superman's friends, I'd ask myself, "Which one of us can stop that fucking comet since that's Vandal's main plan? Shouldn't Green Lantern be stopping it or something instead of just battling Vandal on his ship? I mean, if you stop the comet, you stop his plans. So, um, you know. Someone? Zatanna maybe? She can say "Comet be gone!" backwards, right?"

Vandal begins to show compassion for his children this issue because it mirrors Superman's feelings for his friends. But Vandal is just using them for his own ends while Superman . . . well, Superman is technically using his friends for his own ends too. Except his ends aren't selfish so it's okay to manipulate people towards his goals. I mean, not that he's manipulating them! He's, um, inspiring them! Inspiring them to be great enough to throw their lives away! If I were Jimmy Olsen, I would be inspired to call Green Lantern to stop that comet.

Vandal sends his children on a shuttle towards the comet to see if he'll survive close proximity to it. He and Superman are also on the shuttle. I mean, they're literally on the shuttle and not in it like the passengers are. Vandal shoots Superman and kills him while Vandal hops off the shuttle to land on the ground in a broken, immortal heap. I'm sure he'll be fine by Superman #50. Superman, meanwhile, falls into the Fortress of Solitude which finally recognizes him and restores him to greatness. So that's all he needed to get his powers back? Find somebody who could lift that stupid oversized key to unlock the Fortress and let him in?

Now that Superman has his powers back, he doesn't need his friends because he can just punch his way through all of his problems. And now that Vandal's children have become super children thanks to the comet, their plan is to punch their way through the problem (which is Superman). So even with all the talk of needing plans to win, it's all going to come down to a slugfest anyway. Oh comic books. Don't ever change. And by that I mean change. Fucking just change already. I'm tired of your shit.

Action Comics #49

What the fuck?! Is this month's variant "Neal Adams' Disturbingly Fetishized Wank Covers"?

Rating: No change.

Superman finally gets his powers back although the kryptonite chemotherapy didn't fix his hair. It also gave him weird extra powers because that's par for the course whenever Superman writers go through one of their "Superman is too powerful" phases. He always comes back with new powers that should have just been given to a brand new superhero who wouldn't sell and then just disappear slowly over time like practically every character created in the Bloodlines Summer Annual Extravaganza.

This story had about as much plot as Grayson #16. Both issues really didn't cover a lot of ground. But while Grayson #16 was fun and entertaining and worth reading, this was a pile of horseshit. Unless horseshit has beneficial properties like making people laugh when the marching band squishes through it during a local parade. Okay, that's pretty entertaining and better than this book so maybe I should compare it to something else. Like maybe getting your genitals caught in your zipper.

Vandal's ten thousand year old plan relies on stealing the Fortress of Solitude in the final moments which totally makes sense since that totally existed ten thousand years ago. Also he shout a powerful laser into Jupiter. So he's either turning Jupiter into a star like in 2010: A More Confusing Space Odyssey or he's digging out the remnants of Shoemaker-Levy because maybe that was the comet that gave him his powers. I hope it's that one! I wish I could go into Harvey Bullock detail about Shoemaker-Levy but the best I can do is come up with the name without Google's help! I don't even remember the date it hit Jupiter but I was in my early twenties and having sex regularly! That's clear because I always yelled "Here comes Shoemaker-Levy, baby!" whenever I orgasmed.

Batman Loves Superman #27

Red Hood is a dandy shooter.

I just ragequit the Origins Magic the Gathering game on the Xbox One because fuck you, Wizards of the Coast. You completely ruined the fucking game with this expansion. When I'm defeated by a deck and you give me the option to replay the deck or play a new opponent, don't you think the new opponent should have a different fucking deck?! Apparently you don't because the artificial intelligence in your expansion only uses about 15% of the new cards. In ever fucking deck it plays against me. It's fucking boring. I guess I'll just never play your stupid nerdy game again and go play something cool. Like Bloodbowl! Seriously, the new Bloodbowl game is pretty fucking terrific. Good job, um, whoever made it! It takes me right back to the days when no female would let me get my unclothed dick near them!

So, Batman Loves Superman, right? It's such a terrible comic book!

This is how you start a proper review! I'm putting my cards right out there on the table for everybody to see. Don't think I'm one of those intellectuals who claim they're reviewing comic books in as unbiased a manner as possible to keep fans informed. No, I'm pretty biased. To be fair, it's experiential bias! I'm not just hating Batman Loves Superman because I see Greg Pak's name on the cover (although that's part of it!). It's just that when you've been kicked in the balls every time you pick up a comic book with Greg Pak's name on the cover, you start to become weary of picking up comic books with Greg Pak's name on the cover! At least most people do. Apparently I have a thing for figuratively getting kicked in the balls.

Since Superman is going through a bullshit phase right now (he goes through them every ten to fifteen years. Usually when the editor on his comic book is the smelliest piece of shit in the dog park) so it's time for a flashback! The flashback is all, "Hey guys! Remember when Superman was heroic! Remember when people loved Superman? Wouldn't you rather be reading that comic book?! Well, here's a brief glimpse of what this comic book could be but isn't because Eddie Berganza is a douchfart." Gordon is having the flashback and narrating it for the imaginary audience he and every other fucking comic book character constantly speak to. They're all weird fucking idiots. The only normal ones are Deadpool and Ambush Bug because at least they're talking to the actual audience! Gordon is just thinking in his head as if he's narrating a biopic about his boring life as a Commissioner of Gotham.

He knew Jimmy Olsen was in trouble because Jimmy Olsen is always in fucking trouble! Also super-hearing, probably.

Batman also makes an appearance in the flashback. Not Commissioner Batman! The real Batman! The one everybody misses! Well, not everybody. Some people are still pouting and writing nasty notes about The New 52 on the insides of bathroom stalls. Some people have prematurely aged into disgruntled old farts who can't stand change because boo-hoo! I miss my fucking characters I grew up with! Why can't everything always remain the same?! Cry babies.

Gordon was having the memory so he could realize that he and Superman don't trust each other. He also wanted to point out that Superman is currently a huge loser.

I hope "threated" means "promised everyone lots of candy."

Don't think I'm going to let the above scan off the hook with a simple slap on the back of the typo! I think we owe it to ourselves to have a good chuckle over Greg Pak's science! Vandal Savage stole an artificial sun to power a Nazi Super Weapon. But he needs uranium to power the sun! Ha ha! Why would a sun need a power source other than the hydrogen and helium burning within it? Uranium is star waste material, not star fuel! Fusion is different than fission! I'm not even a scientist and I know this scenario is stupid!

Unless not being a scientist means that I've completely misunderstood the scenario which means somebody else is stupid.

Yeah, but it's a small star. And it's powered by uranium. Mister...um...Grayson?

Superman happens to continue Gordon's memory because that's how thoughts work. They spread from one person to the other like herpes. Haven't you ever begun to whistle the same song as a person near you without any explanation for how it happened except for maybe because the song was playing on the radio in the car you were both in and it had just got to the part where the singer starts to whistle? Spooky!

Superman is all, "Trust! It's this thing I used to have with Batman! But I don't have it anymore with RoboBatman! And my hair looks awful! Last time I get it cut at Bishop's!"

Superman and Commissioner Batman are all, "We have to trust each...jinx! You owe me a Coke!"

Superman's plan was not to attract Vandal Savage's attention because then he'd kill them. But I guess he has a new plan because he and Batman use Vandal's teleporter to attack him on his ship, The Valkyrie.

Friends? What friends? Who said anything about friends?! The only other person I see is Commissioner Batman and they certainly aren't friends! I learned that from the flashback sequences!

Over the next few pages, I count thirteen words that end in -oom! That means a fight is taking place! It's super -oomy!

Apparently the plan was to destroy the Navigation and Engine Rooms on Vandal's ship. I don't know how they knew the teleporter went to a ship or where they got the layout of The Valkyrie to help with their sabotage but it probably had something to do with Batgirl. When Vandal -ooms them one too many times, they escape through the teleporter while leaving a grenade behind to blow it up. I suppose they could have blown up the teleporter in Siberia but then we would have missed out on all of the -ooms.

Vandal arrives to find the miners have killed Dick Grayson and Jason Todd. I guess I'll cancel my subscriptions to Grayson and Red Hood Loves Arsenal on Wednesday. Vandal's men, using technology that they somehow know how to operate even though they're thousands of years old and they probably don't even know which way to put batteries into gadgets, discover Clark and Gordon are hiding in the ice a few miles away. Time to fuel up the sun by shoving uranium into it so that they can fire the Nazi gun and kill Superman and Batman!

The real plan was to trick Vandal into sitting in the Nazi Super Weapon and firing the gun which has been rewired to the engines because that's a funny prank! Vandal goes shooting off into space where he would never harm anybody ever again and probably meet Lobo and fall in love. Except for the one flaw in the plan which everybody thought of but nobody mentioned because they didn't want to jinx it. Vandal Savage, having super strength, breaks out of the hull to escape. Instead of escaping safely though, the ship -ooms him into little bits. Theoretically! Obviously he really just flew off into a snowbank where he'll freeze until he's ready for another story arc. Unless he isn't finished with this story arc? I figure this one has about three more issues since Action Comics and Superman have that many too, right?

He's not dead because he's immortal. And he didn't teleport because Superman blew up the teleporter. He's probably in the Phantom Zone.

Commissioner Batman realizes that everybody is tired of Batman and Superman bickering so he takes off his helmet and introduces himself to Clark. Then he says loudly, "Well, I have to go now! I'm going to drop in on a surprise visit to my daughter in Gotham!" Then Batgirl shits herself because it takes a long time to swing home from Siberia.

Batman does not fight for vengeance! You take that back! That's Midnighter you're thinking of! And also Batman written by shitty writers who really wanted to write Punisher stories.

Batman Loves Superman #27 Rating: No change. This issue wasn't horrible even if I was laughing at how stupid it was! Did I just contradict myself? Oh, who the fuck cares! It was better than some others but still filled with stupid plot elements. And the art was mostly poo.

Action Comics #47

Obviously Wrath should be called "Fivefingers" or "One-Face."

Last issue, Wrath tried to convince Superman that her plan to infect everybody with Black Angry Heroin was benevolent. I'm assuming that this issue, Superman gets out a dictionary and reads the definition of "wrath" to Wrath and then suggesting some names she could have considered that would have made her more trustworthy. I don't know what those words would be because it was really the way she secretly went about her plan that mostly proves she's a lying butthole. Especially the part where all the Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors were trying to destroy Superman rather than trying to feed the hungry or hand out blankets and free feminine hygiene products to the homeless. But I get it. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is burn shit the fuck down without worrying what anybody else thinks or what's going to replace the now burnt down shit. I mean, it's not really productive and it's actually more like a tantrum but you have to admit that sometimes tantrums work!

I also forgot that last issue ended with Superman about to battle Frankenstein! That's like the battle everybody has been waiting for!

Swing your sword and not your fist, dum-dum!

Oh! That's why Superman is suddenly battling Frankenstein. For the "monster" metaphor! See how it works? Superman looks human so everybody thinks, "Oh! He's a good guy! He's white and male and he protects us because we can't protect ourselves! Go Superman!" I mean, not currently. Currently everybody thinks Superman is a monster. But let's pretend Wrath is still trying to convince the world that Superman is a monster and that her job wasn't already done for her by Lois Lane (or, more probably, some kind of mass mind control). Frankenstein looks like a decaying corpse stitched together by a madman which is pretty much the definition of monster especially when you take into account all of the assholes screaming at me right now that it's not "Frankenstein" but "Frankenstein's Monster" which--as you can see!--has "monster" right in the name! But here's the even deeper twist that you probably didn't have time to think about because you tore straight into the comic book to see who wins the battle. Wrath's point is that Frankenstein looks like the real monster here but guess what?! He's actually a sensitive poet! Can you believe that?! Something so hideous can actually be super emotional and into writing poetry?! If that's the case (and it totally is because remember junior high, you poetry writing monster?) then that means Superman could actually be a sociopath (and it totally probably is because he's a white man in a position of power!)!

If you say something enough times, it becomes proof of itself! I totally believe Superman is a monster now!

Because Superman hasn't heard he's a monster enough times to believe it yet, Wrath decides it's time to tell Superman her secret origin. Then maybe he'll believe all of the stupid bullshit she's been spouting!

Wrath's story is how she grew up in poverty which drove her to become a lawyer so she could help people. But then Brainiac took part of Metropolis and put it in a bottle and she couldn't do anything about that. Only Superman could and yet he didn't (For dramatic purposes, we'll forget that he recovered the city later) which totally means he's a bad person because her mother was killed in the incident. To be fair, Wrath doesn't become a super villain at that moment because she still wants to work with Superman when she becomes mayor. But that's when Superman contracted the Doomsday Virus and, once again, defeated Brainiac. But he was much scarier this time because he physically looked like a monster which is probably when Wrath's brain said, "Hey! Look at that! He's a monster!"

To be fair to Wrath, I've been screaming about this for a long time now. When writers can't figure out a way to challenge Superman, they turn Superman against himself via mind control or magic or Apokolyptian energy or an alien virus or a Joker toxin. Writers might think they're just providing an exciting story for a few issues but they're really damaging the character. Because now stupid fucking story arcs like this one can come along where idiots who think Superman is an actual monster and not a hero have proof that Superman is dangerous. Superman should be a beacon of hope and trust. Stop fucking turning him into the bogeyman because now I have to read stories where bad writers continue your fucking thought for you. And the people now afraid of Superman aren't wrong to be afraid of him because he's always out of control! I hate that Batman's idea of Superman is constantly proven correct! Knock it the fuck off. Who do we have to blame for this? Is it Miller's Dark Knight Returns? Whatever the case, I'm sick of it.

I bet I'll be bored with Superman in just a few months if he's written as a beacon of hope though!

Supergirl did have a penchant for punching people in the face. And Superboy was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon. And the other guy is...Zod, I guess? He was a threat in Superman Loves Wonder Woman for a bit!

See? Kryptonians are jerks who need to be stopped by any means necessary! I'm totally on Wrath's side now! Thanks a lot, past writers of The New 52 for making her horrible argument make sense!

Wrath finishes her argument by explaining how she got her power from Vandal Savage which completely ruins everything she said previously! If Vandal Savage is your Yoda, you're the bad guy!

Superman continues to fight against Wrath and her plan to turn everybody into raging Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors. So Wrath's next move is to prove to him that he's a monster by showing how his friends react to him!

Oh yeah! Look at that! Superman surprises the shit out of Jimmy by suddenly materializing in his apartment and Jimmy is shocked! Superman is scary! Point to Wrath!

Superman's plan to beat Wrath is to stop trying to fight Wrath and just accept his rage or something. I don't know. It's the same plan he's been using in every fucking story Greg Pak has written. Embrace his fear. Embrace his anger. Embrace his sadness. Hey Greg? Next time, can you at least jerk me off with a different hand?

Superman absorbs all of the shadow power everywhere and saves the day angrily! Vandal Savage happens upon the scene and doesn't like that his Angry Black Semen is being used for good so he takes it all back and puts it into his little box. He shoves Wrath in their for good measure because she failed him. And Superman is back to normal! I mean, normal in that he still has no powers and no spit curl and no cape and no character and no likeability factor and no reason for existing.

Action Comics #47 Rating: No change. The art was horrible. It was the worst part of this comic book! Oh, it was definitely a photo finish between the writing and the art but I'd have to give with win to the art. And by win I actually mean loss. Although the real loser is me because I paid $3.99 for this shit. I hate myself.

Action Comics #46

Ain't these two just a couple of stinkers?

So there was a panel in the last issue of Action Comics that somehow slipped past me the first time I read it without a huge digression. My digression might not be as huge now but I'm going to pull it out anyway. That sentence was typed with a straight face.

What the fuck, Clark? What in the fucking fuck?!

So Clark Kent knows that Hiro is one of the worst kinds of criminal imaginable in a capitalist society and he's doing nothing about it? How many entrepreneurs and eager young inventors has Hiro ripped off and Clark thinks it's okay to give him a pass? Forget that Clark Kent is Superman. Clark Kent is a journalist! Well, he was. This alone proves that he's the shittiest journalist ever who doesn't give a shit about people in the way that Clark Kent and Superman used to give a shit about people. I guess it's okay to avert your eyes to Hiro's crimes because Hiro has helped Superman defeat bad guys who actually punch things. Those are, apparently, the worst kinds of bad guys ever! White collar bad guys like Hiro though? Totally cool. No big deal. Steal people's ideas and make millions of dollars off of them. Where's the harm, right Clark?

Fuck you, Clark Kent! And by "Fuck you, Clark Kent", I actually mean "Fuck you, Greg Pak." But I didn't want this to devolve into personal attacks!

Last issue, Superman tracked some Supremacist bad guys (unlikeable bad guys who need to be stopped unlike helpful, likeable bad guys who make millions off of their toys) to their wrath factory. In doing so, he's been infected with the angry black tar.

Oh boy. More angry Superman.

I suppose Superman was called a Boy Scout for too long and it rubbed people at DC the wrong way because they decided "Boy Scout" was being used in a derogatory manner (which--come on!--it totally was). Most thinking people proud of the character they were presenting to the world would have shrugged their shoulders and thought, "Fine. Superman isn't for you. But some people love Boy Scouts! Really, really, really love Boy Scouts! You know the people I'm talking about." But instead, the DC Powers That Be would rather be thought of as cool and hip. So their reaction was more like, "Oh? Oh? You don't like Superman like this? He's too gay, right? So gay! And by 'gay' we totally mean 'lame' even thought we're not supposed to use it that way anymore but it's still kind of cool and rebellious to use it that way and the type of people who hate Boy Scout Superman are the type of people we want to like Superman and they're the type to still call lame stuff gay! So, um, how about angry Superman who is angry and beats people up even when there's no need to beat them up? People seem to like Batman and Batman does that a lot! So maybe if we just wrote Batman but put an 'S' on his chest and called him Superman, would that make the jerks we want to please happy?! Let's try it! And while we're at it, can we institute a policy that all women at future office parties have to wear short skirts and no underwear?!"

I just realized at the end of that DC Powers That Be quote that I was really just writing my version of Eddie Berganza (which is probably a spot on impression of the real one!).

So some security robots show up to murder Superman and all of the test subjects including Lee Lemaris. Was that her name? Was she a mermaid?

I guess the angry black tar has made him more powerful? Or is this just his regular old non-powered power levels? I'm so confused by his abilities right now!

Superman defeats this batch of Supremacists and the police vocalize their appreciation of Superman doing their job for them. They would have to be idiotic jerks not to appreciate it! They're still getting paid and they didn't have to risk their lives? Superman is a cop's best friend! Although they might look bad because a vigilante did their job for them. But they'll be okay. Gotham cops suffer through that indignity on a daily basis.

Superman leaves the people he freed to be picked up and experimented on by John Henry. But it's okay that they'll be test subjects this time because they're not free to live their own lives at the behest of good people! It's totally different! Superman heads out to find Wrath so he can destroy this story arc and get his powers back! And hopefully let his hair grow out a bit because that buzz cut is not working for him.

Superman can now phase through shadows. Maybe he'll get to keep this power for awhile because remember how popular Superman was when he was made out of electricity?! People still clamor for those days! In ten years when Superman is an overpowered Boy Scout again, people will sit on their porches drinking Mint Juleps while daintily dabbing watermelon juice from their chin and sigh, "Remember tha days when Supahman was angry and could walk through shadows?" Then they'll sigh and go back to reading the new Batman by Scott Lobdell.

While in the shadows, Clark and Wrath are able to talk with each other. Wrath explains to Clark that the plan is to infect everybody with the angry black tar makes them feel more alive and can be used for good! Clark points out that maybe she should have called herself something other than "Wrath" if she wanted him to believe her plan was benevolent.

Lee follows Superman because Greg Pak seems to think Superman needs a powerful female and/or a thieving Asian sidekick on every adventure. That's fine. I just wish he didn't think Superman needed to have no powers, a haircut, and an angry attitude.

Superman is an undeadaphobe.

That's a pretty strange conclusion to jump to, Superman. Undead are easy vessels for Wrath to fill? Why would you think that? Frankenstein is a fully fleshed out personality just like every other unundead person you've ever met. Why should Frankenstein be easy to fill simply because he's an animated corpse? Seems like a prejudiced response to me!

Wrath appears to Lee to comment on the battle between Superman and Frankenstein. She points out that Superman isn't angry and brutal because of the angry black tar. The angry black tar just reveals the anger and brutality that was already within him. Normally, I'd argue that Wrath was a huge liar and that her underpants were on fire and that I couldn't wait until they burned away so I could get a glimpse of her secret bits. But Superman has been acting like a completely psychotically violent nutjob practically since The New 52 began. This angry punching persona is his natural state! And, judging by Dark Superman in Justice League, it's what everybody wants. I wish I were infected with angry black tar so that I could just give in and accept newfangled jerko Superman just like everybody else! I wonder if black tar heroin is the same as angry black tar? Even if it's not, it will probably stop me from caring about DC ruining Superman.

You can tell this is the angry bad Superman because of the tar goatee.

Action Comics #46 Rating: No change. Greg Pak continues to display his ignorance of Superman as a character. I suppose it's not his fault. He's writing the Superman the idiotic masses seem to want. He's less powerful so nobody has to worry about Marvel Fans pointing out how ridiculous his power levels are. He's angry so nobody will ever call him a Boy Scout again. He got a hair cut just in case people were making fun of his infantile spit curl. He's constantly battling by the side of a minority just in case people try to point out how overly white and male his adventures are. He's wearing a shirt and jeans so nobody is debating whether underwear should be worn on the outside or the inside. I guess those are the fixes Superman needed? And so what if he's not heroic anymore? Who cares if he's constantly battling personal problems and doesn't have time for anybody else? Who cares if he's not an inspiration to people to better themselves and fight for truth and justice and...well, maybe not exactly the American way since that way is violent and imperialistic. Who the fuck cares, right? I mean besides me.

Batman Loves Superman #26

Vandal Savage is a pimp.

Superman, Batgirl, Dick Grayson, and Jason Todd have traveled to Siberia to rescue some meaningless villages from Vandal Savage's clutches. These villagers are being forced to extract uranium from old Russian missiles that were lying around unused. If the villagers don't comply with this dangerous task, Vandal Savage will murder them and their families. The men of the village don't want their families put in unnecessary danger so they're doing whatever Vandal tells them.

Also they're bringing their families to the dig site where, at any moment, one of these missiles can be mishandled and explode! But I think that's necessary danger!

The little boy is probably on location to teach the adults that they shouldn't fear Superman! Because children understand things better than adults! They say wise things and never lie and aren't afraid of strange people giving out free candy. If you don't follow the lead of the children, you're an old fuddy-duddy without any sense of wonder! Although you'll probably have a better grip on reality and survive longer if you just tell the children around you to shut the fuck up already.

The man sees four shapes coming out of the snow and assume it's Vandal Savage coming back to murder everybody. Sure, he said they had a week to get the uranium but you never know when an immortal psychopath is going to change his mind. Although why would Vandal kill them before they've finished the work? It's not like Vandal is going to want to do it himself.

Startled by the figures, the men of the village pull pistols out of their parkas and begin shooting. It's at this point that I don't care if these villagers manage to survive. What if the figures coming out of the snow were pizza delivery guys? It seems kind of stupid to shoot at anybody who approaches you. Even if it had been Vandal Savage, why the fuck would they now decide to rebel against him? They fear for their families' lives enough to work as slaves for Vandal but not really, I guess?

I guess the comic book begins this way to seem exciting but it just loses me instantly and reminds me that I hate Greg Pak's work on this comic book.

Superman introduces himself and his Bat-friends to the villagers (speaking English, I guess? Bah! It's comic books! It's easier to simply pretend everybody speaks Interlac) and they respond in the appropriate manner. The little kid loves Superman because he's only there to teach the grown-ups to not be assholes (and to probably die from cancer in ten years due to the high levels of radiation leaking from the discarded missiles). And the grown-ups react like assholes.

And yet when you thought these guys were Savage, you believed shooting him in the face was going to fill him with figurative hugs and kisses?

Hey! Remember how Superman cracked two molars in his battle with Vandal last issue? Has he been to the dentist yet? Doesn't his stupid mouth hurt? Or when Batgirl bandaged him later that issue, did she also fix his teeth?

The aggressive man needs to have his life saved by Superman before he'll believe Superman can actually help because that's how you write comic books by the tropes. So the missile the men were trying to move snaps its support cables and begins falling to the ground. The man tackles his wife and son and yells, "Why did I bring you out here?! Why was I so stupid to endanger your lives so recklessly?! I'm as bad as Vandal Savage!" But Superman catches the bomb so the man can live with his shame.

While holding the bomb, Superman complains about how heavy it is. Because he's lost most of his strength, remember?! But he still has enough to hold up a two ton missile! It's just that he has to explicitly point out how heavy it is now. That's the new version of Superman! He can still manage to do everything he used to do (except fly!) but while he's doing it, he always reminds the readers how difficult it is now. Plus he has a stupid fucking haircut that looks stupid. Who's idea was it to lose the spit curl?! At this point, why not just make Superman an extremely strong monkey? He'd be just as recognizable.

With the help of everybody, the missile is stood upright because I guess that's the most efficient position to remove the uranium from it? I would think leaving it lying down would be easier since isn't the bomb in the cone? Isn't the whole rest of the missile just fuel? I'm not a rocket scientist but I know how to have thoughts and then believe those thoughts so I think I'm probably right.

Compared to everybody else in this room, Babs? You're a fucking genius. Don't downplay your strengths to Bozo Superman! You're ten times better than he is! If not more, depending on whether or not I put the decimal in the right place during my calculations.

Superman introduces Dick as the guy who makes fake ideas and Red Hood as the "mean Robin." What the fuck, Superman?! I thought you were supposed to be the guy who lifts up everybody's spirits and makes them want to be better people. But no. You're just the guy who points out that Jason Todd had some issues and was a big fucking jerk who probably deserved exactly what he got! Asshole.

Although, seriously, Jason Todd totally deserved what he got.

Do Siberians know what "light spring rain" is?

While Batgirl tries to figure out how Vandal's teleportation pad works and Dick is creating fake IDs and Red Hood teaches the men how to shoot to kill (or to just hit kneecaps, just in case Batman is currently giving you a sour look), the little kid is stabbing Clark with a fork. And it draws blood because this is one of those moments where Clark is just vulnerable enough to prove that he's not invulnerable. But don't worry! Vandal Savage apparently punches softer than a ten year old kid can stab with an eating utensil, so Clark should be okay.

Red Hood tries to get Superman alone so he can get him excited about the prospect of murdering Vandal Savage. But Dick and Babs overhear and they're all, "No way! We don't kill even if it means saving the lives of probably hundreds of billions of people across Vandal Savage's future!" Plus Batgirl is all, "I was his teammate and he's actually not that bad when he's forced to do what you want him to do. Maybe we can get Stargirl to trick him into being nice again?"

Some of the Shadow Monsters from the Truth story show up because there's been way too much talking. Plus everybody is allowed to get out their aggression and kill these things because they're not sentient (which matters for some reason). During the battle, Commissioner Batman shows up because his name is on the cover. That's the only reason I can think of why he'd leave Gotham where he works as a police officer keeping peace in Gotham to come to Siberia where he isn't authorized to act as a peace keeper of any kind. But I guess Superman asked him to come by, probably to take the villagers back to Gotham even though none of them have passports or visas. At least not legal ones that weren't printed up by Dick Grayson.

So Superman tells Batman to shove it last issue and then he sends him all of the data Batgirl came up with about this place because why? Oh yeah! Because his name is on the cover! Also, I still don't have any clue as to how Batgirl discovered this site.

Apparently the Nazi War Wheel is buried under the ice and the missiles were meant to power it. But then the Dawn Command were able to steal Waynetech's miniature sun and that became the primary power source for the Nazi War Wheel (which isn't actually the War Wheel but I'm going to insist that it is because that would have been so much better). I guess digging uranium out of the missiles was just to fuck with the nearby villagers. An immortal has to get his kicks somehow.

Batman Loves Superman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you love comic books with great characterization of even the most ancillary characters, superb plots that rise out of the motivations of the villains and heroes, and engaging themes that really make you think about tough ethical dilemmas, this is totally not the comic book for you. But it has Batman in it! Do you like Batman? Then maybe this is the book for you! No, no! Wait! I just remembered. It doesn't even have Batman in it anymore. It's just Commissioner Gordon in a suit that locks up every few pages. I'm not even going to pretend that Superman is in it because I haven't seen Superman in a DC Comic book for years.

Batman Loves Superman #25

I don't remember this Weird-Ohs Kit.

Let me be up front about my feelings for this comic book: I hate it. I can't stand it. It hurts my stomach to have to read it. It might be giving me pancreatic cancer. It's an abomination. It should be rated G for Garbage. The world is worse off for its existence.

The major problem with this comic book is that it shouldn't exist anymore. Commissioner Gordon has no reason to deal with Superman, and Superman has no reason to interact with Commissioner Gordon. But since both of their names are on the cover, some ridiculous premise needs to be maintained to keep them both in the comic book. I present to you the ridiculous premise:

It's not now, nor has it ever been, your job to babysit Superman, Commissioner Gordon.

Commissioner Gordon has ordered Clark Kent out of Gotham because that's something a police officer is apparently allowed to do. Now Gordon is paranoid that Clark hasn't left Gotham at all! Although why would Clark want to stay? It's not his home. The only person he really hangs out with has forgotten all about him. Everybody in the world hates him. So why would he remain in Gotham and why would Gordon be so insistent that Clark hasn't left? Oh yeah! I forgot about how the cover has both of their names on it.

Superman is currently on his own mission flying around in a hang-glider that's invisible to radar because fuck you. I mean comic books. I mean Waynetech. He's flying around thinking, "Who the hell needs Batman anyway?" And yet he's hacked into Commissioner Gordon's comm device because he just wants to badger Gordon.

Throw you off of what?! You just wanted him out of Gotham. But you also desperately need to find him. Go fuck yourself, Commissioner Pak. I mean Gordon.

Since somebody had the great idea to take away Superman's powers, Superman now must get around like a normal person and do regular detective work to solve his crimes. No, just kidding! He can't fly but he now gets some kind of rocket powered hang-glider. He doesn't have x-ray vision but--you know what?--he's now got some Waynetech glasses that scan people for weapons. Basically anything that he could have done with his old powers, he can still do via some Waynetech gadget. But it's important that he can't always do those things because then he'd be too powerful and boring and Marvel Fanboys might criticize DC Comics for having such a powerful hero. It's much better this way!

Jesus Christ. Just make him omnipotent already.

Hey! Why would Superman even bother to ask if the weapons are reproductions? Oh, I know why! Because it will be important later to realize that Vandal Savage has a whole army of immortal beings on his side! Or he's at least equipping them with ancient weapons that are still in peak condition and just perfect for battling superheroes.

The Dawn Command "barbarians" have just recently been thawed which is why they have ancient weapons that, thankfully, Superman figured out were authentic right off the bat. They're still trying to remember what burritos are but they can drive armored cars without any problem. They also have trouble fighting depowered Superman because he's invisible. Thanks, Waynetech! You make omnipotence a reality!

Superman even has a "refitted, computer piloted Bat-chopper." Because of course Superman had the capability of putting that shit together. I think Batman installed a switch on all of his computer technology that could be flipped to allow Superman to take over by using his voice commands. That's probably something Batman would have bothered with.

As Superman is about to hook up his new Dawn Command armored truck to his Bat-chopper, he's hit by a rocket. Don't worry! Even though he just reminded us on the previous page that he doesn't have his full powers, he still manages to survive. That's because he's got enough of his powers to survive whatever happens but not enough for people to know he's going to survive. And by "people" I mean "idiots."

Has Superman really ever been known for his smarts though?

A panel like the previous scan isn't one that most people would think too much about. But it's one of the things that drives me absolutely crazy. It points to some of the basic problems with the structure of certain comic books and why I can't stand them while other people don't seem to mind them. The problem is that the only reason this new antagonist (Vandal Savage, I'm sure) mentions somebody always being smarter than Superman is because Superman spent the last page thinking about how he has a plan that he thought through completely without Batman's help and how everything was going exactly as planned. Basically this antagonist's first words to Superman are a response to what Superman was just previously thinking. The antagonist continues by pointing out Clark has made up for his mental deficiency by partnering with brilliant minds because Superman was just thinking about how he doesn't need Bruce. It's dialogue and Narration Boxes that are written to the "Batman/Superman" theme instead of feeling organic to the story. It's crap.

Vandal makes sure to point out that he's Vandal Savage so that Superman knows who kills him. And I guess Vandal likes killing people using blunt force trauma because that's what he's most familiar with. So instead of shooting Superman over and over again to kill him, he walks up on him so he can smash Clark in the face with the butt of his gun. Superman takes the gun away proving that Vandal isn't as smart as he thinks he is.

So Vandal's plan was to wait two thousand years until a baby from Krypton landed on Earth and then wait about thirty more until that Kryptonian lost most of his powers and to then get in a fist fight with him?

Oh yes! I love when the good guy turns the tables on the bad guy by not giving in and using the bad guy's arrogance against him! Too bad this time, Clark is in over his head. And he's acting stupid. But I guess throwing your life away in a hopeless cause is the best representation of truth, justice, and the American way.

Vandal punches Superman into a tree and then gets distracted. That's when Superman slips away and Vandal's plan falls apart. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Foiled again! Lucky for Superman, Batgirl was on hand to save him. She'll probably have to take him back to her apartment and remove his clothing to make sure he isn't bleeding out somewhere vital.

Dear Diary,
Today I totally rescued Superman. He got his ass handed to him by some long haired weirdo but I was keeping an eye on him. He should have expected it, you know? Did he really think he reprogrammed all of Batman's equipment so that it would listen to him?! He's a reporter, not a programmer! AnySwayze, I pulled him from the scene just before he became Kryptonian Flambe. Does Flambe need an accent? I don't know, Diary. Maybe if Dad had ever been able to take us out to a real restaurant instead of Wendy's every night, I might have some kind of food culture. So I took Superman back to the Batcave where he was unconscious for eight hours. Mmm. Eight hours of bandaging his naked body. I didn't realize unconscious people near death could pop boners while getting sponged off but hoo boy! That one's definitely going in the Slap Trap. I did manage to get his pants back on him after the erection subsided, so hopefully he'll never know I got a sneak Bat-peek at the Kryptoboner.

Batgirl puts all the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that gets the plot moving but makes the comic book terrible. At least it's just one more page of terrible amid the other twenty-one so it's not like it really matters. By figuring out that Vandal Savage is working with freeze-dried barbarians, they find where Vandal Savage has been hanging out with his ancient warriors who speak relatively good English and love burritos. Unless the people digging up nuclear warheards are just the standard locals. It's hard to tell since Batgirl just spouted a bunch of nonsense to explain how she found where Savage would be.

Batgirl decides that they'll speak with the locals being threatened by Savage and help to turn them against him. And she brought along Dick Grayson and Jason Todd to help because they weren't busy with much of anything else and somebody might need to be shot in the face and/or mesmerized by a hot ass.

Batman Loves Superman #25 Rating: -1 Ranking. I currently have a cold which had me sneezing the entire time I was reading this comic book. Half the time, I simply wiped my nose with this comic book because it was closer than the box of Kleenex. So at least I got some money's worth out of it.

Action Comics #45

Nobody looks terrified. That woman just seems to be disgusted and saying, "Um, no thank you." The guy is totally jealous though because he's got a tiny wiener.

The first page of this issue is just there to remind everybody that the rest of the issue is going to be a real bummer. Mostly because the first page has the credits and Greg Pak's name is still in them. But also because a reporter is reminding the readers how Superman has lost all of his powers which makes him boring, the whole world knows he's Clark Kent which actually means almost nothing, and Superman has an approval rating of 23 percent which is far higher than I would have guessed based on the intense xenophobia he's been facing lately. Superman is also still just wearing the t-shirt and jeans look developed in Grant Morrison's initial run on Action Comics when The New 52 began.

Here's a theory that's too dumb to be true which means it's probably true based on the intelligence of the people running DC Comics: could it be that the editors and creative directors believe that the only successful run of Superman so far (Morrison's Action Comics run) was successful because of what he was wearing?!

The reporter points out that Superman is actually being heroic which makes no sense because people hate him and he lost his powers so why is he bothering? He's probably just trying to increase his approval rating. What a jerk.

See? People in on Earth-You are stupid jerks.

Even if it's just for show, it's more than that greasy cook is doing to save people's lives. And Superman doesn't even expect anything in return from the people he's saving, like belief in his Lord and Savior or monetary gain! Oh wait. I guess he expects good press!

I just realized the main reason everybody should be angry at Superman! Somebody needs to do an expose on Clark Kent and dig up all of his articles that praise Superman! Then at least people can be mildly disgusted about how Superman used his bully pulpit to present himself as a great guy with terrific abs and an inordinate ability to please his lovers.

Everybody knew he was an alien before, didn't they? Why is that such a big deal now?

If everybody didn't already realize Superman was an alien, how did it become an issue? Finding out he's Clark Kent should have made people suspect that maybe he was just pretending to be an alien! Hasn't anybody done that fucking expose on Clark Kent yet that I mentioned earlier?! You'd think that would be the entirety of the episode of "60 Minutes" the week following Lois's article. "Who is Clark Kent?!" I'm sure records exist that document him all the way back to when he was a baby. And only he, Martha, and Jonathan know the details of his arrival on this planet, and two of those people are dead! Couldn't Clark just point out he was born on the farm? He should just say he made up the Krypton back story to go with the costume and the alter ego after he discovered he had strange powers that he probably got from that jerk Lex Luthor!

I don't even get this part of the argument. I don't think Greg Pak even understands why people hate Superman. He probably just has Eddie Berganza over his shoulder yelling, "You have to make people hate Superman or I'll touch your junk!"

My main complaint about this diner that Clark Kent wandered into to write isn't even that the cook is an idiot. My main complaint is that they have a television on the wall blaring out the fucking news as people try to enjoy their greasy food.

The cook and the waitress get into a physical confrontation as Clark decides whether or not to intervene. Apparently he now has some kind of face altering technology. It's not Spyral brand though; it's the knock-off Waynetech version. Clark uses his heat vision to set off the sprinklers which disrupts the fight. He also leaves a forty dollar tip for the waitress because I guess we were supposed to be on her side in the brawl even though she was being a huge ass and escalated the entire argument by throwing glasses? Oh wait, I think it was okay to smash up the store because the cook made a sexist comment. That'll teach him to get mad when the waitress tells him to shut up! What a huge jerk!

When are we going to find out what happened to Krypto? And did Superman just abandon the Fortress of Solitude?

Superman has a new Fortress of Solitude at the edge of the Talladega National Forest in Alabama. He's also got a new secret identity! He's Archie Clayton and he works at Swan Laundry! I hope nobody ever finds out that he's got another secret identity because his approval rating can't afford another hit!

Toymaster tracks down Superman at his new Fortress of Solitude because of course he did. He can do whatever Greg Pak wants him to do because he's a fictional character that everybody reading has to believe is a super genius that isn't stymied by anything at all! Not space! Not time! Not reality! Of course once Hiro steps foot in the new place, Clark has to blow it up. Does that mean Archie Clayton is already dead?!

Is this the Secret Origin of The Toyman?!

Luckily Archie Clayton survives! Whew! I was really beginning to like that guy. He's on a mission to deliver warm towels to the gym inside Lyfegene, Inc. It's way more exciting than Superman stopping a comet from smashing into the Earth or running a race against the Flash.

No clean towels needed here!

Is this an Intergang thing? Some people might be wondering how Archie Clayton figured out this was going on at Lyfegene. It's not like he's the World's Greatest Detective! But he was a fairly mediocre investigative journalist! Sure, most of his investigations had to do with the size of Superman's cock (Huge!) and how heterosexual Superman was (Way!) and how often he scored on a daily basis (100%! Sometimes more!). When Clark Kent actually put his mind to the job instead of just writing puff pieces on Superman, Clark has discovered he's actually pretty good at his job! All this time, he could have been giving Lois Lane a run for her Pulitzer!

Actually they're not Intergang. That was so last universe. These are those Supremacist guys. They're like super racists with access to power stealing technology.

Why is this universe so chock full of power stealing technology?! I have a new theory that might be too dumb to be true (but probably isn't): comic book writers are lazy!

Archie Clayton has to rip off his uniform and expose himself as Clark Kent! I mean Superman! He saves everybody and discovers they've been infected with the Black Stuff just like Lee Lambert! Also they've captured Lee Lambert! Also Superman gets infected with the Black Stuff too!

Great. Once again, Superman has been compromised by bad shit! Batman was so fucking right about this guy being a danger to the world.

Action Comics #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. So many things that need to change in the way Superman comics are currently written that I probably couldn't come up with them all offhand. But one thing that needs to stop immediately is the way Superman keeps getting compromised and turning bad. Between being mind-controlled by psychics, possessed by the Joker, turned into a sorceress's puppet through magic, or infected with the Doomsday virus, Superman has become the biggest enemy in Superman comic books. What does any of it prove? That he can overcome adversity? No. It proves he's a selfish prick that's a bigger danger to the world than anything he's fighting against. He keeps proving Batman right, time and time again. This guy is dangerous. And he's selfish because he doesn't leave Earth when he realizes that he doesn't have any defense against being manipulated. I don't think Superman is selfish, so writers have only two choices. Either Superman leaves the Earth until he can find a way to stop being controlled by every piece of shit villain that comes down the pike, or writers need to just fucking stop with the "Superman is being controlled and is now a danger to everybody" story arcs! Can somebody please just make Superman heroic again?!

Batman Loves Superman #24

Shouldn't this be Alan Scott?

Last issue ended with Aquaman making a guest appearance to ensure that this comic book continues to be as crappy and boring as it possibly can. Although Aquaman does have his new Super-Boner Suit, so I'm a little bit excited about that.

I haven't truly hated a comic book in quite some time but the first page of this issue fixed that problem.

Before reading this page, I was thinking, "This comic book is dumb and makes no sense and features a poor representation of Superman." After reading this page, I am now thinking in bright, angry colors.

First off, it looks like Aquaman is wearing the top half of an evening gown. And I guess somebody pointed out that his groin needed a redesign but it was redesigned by somebody who doesn't know what an erection looks like because it still looks like an erection. Although now it's crossed with a cobra. Wasn't Cobra-Penis one of the Masters of the Universe?

But the art isn't what annoys me. It's the least offensive part of this page! And I use the term "offensive" in the most offensive way possible, meaning that I don't really give a shit about anything on the page because it's just a fucking comic book and my outrage is really just meaningless bluster. Superman's snarky attitude that only exists in his imagination tops the list. I'm going to assume that Commissioner Batman and Superman are in radio contact for a reason and that that reason is so they can work together. So when Gordon asks for information, shouldn't Superman at least say something? Some fanboy is probably screaming at me right now, spittle covering their monitor, "He jusht got the wind knocked out of him, shtupid!" (Yes, apparently I'm ableist against people with lateral lisps. It's just that they're so indicative of nerd rage! In much the same way neck beards, obesity, and Magic the Gathering are! Prove me wrong! Have you ever been to a Magic the Gathering tournament?! I'll fight you over this! Next Friday! At the local Magic the Gathering Friday Night Meet-up! I'll be the obese one with the neck beard and the really shitty control deck that only ever works one out of twenty-five times. But when it does work, oh boy, the horribly degrading shit I'll say about your mother!) Okay, fine. So Superman can't speak because Aquaman punched him in the gut. Then I'd also expect Superman not to have an expository interior monologue that ends in a stupid joke about how Commissioner Batman's Tuesday is going! How do you think it's going, Superman? That miniature sun is about to blow up! Duh!

Also there's a sea monster which is just stupid. Aquaman should be on a sea-horse.

Luckily on page two, the story reverts to ten minutes prior to Superman and Aquaman's showdown because I was desperate to find out how they came to blows. I'm glad it was only ten minutes earlier because I really didn't need to learn how the action moved from underground to the middle of the ocean. That shit was already explained through context. So I thank Greg Pak for having at least a little bit of awareness in his storytelling.

Arthur joined up with the Subterraneans because who the fuck knows. His prior motivation doesn't need to be explained when Greg Pak can just write in a scene with dead dolphins which explains everything. Now that Arthur has seen proof that this Miniature Sun is poisoning the sea, he's ready to attack Commissioner Batman and Lucius Fox who are trying to stabilize the sun. Oh, okay. I see why Arthur joined the battle. The Subterraneans want the Mini-sun for power and they needed help retrieving it after Commissioner Batman ordered it out to sea so that if it blows, it won't kill everyone in Gotham. Arthur doesn't want the Mini-sun to blow at sea because fuck the Land Dwellers and their ability to always fuck up the sea at every turn of their civilization. Although once Superman points out that Batman and Lucius Fox are trying to stabilize the Mini-sun which is sure to blow up at sea if Aquaman attacks, Aquaman attacks. The story couldn't be exciting if Batman, Superman, and Aquaman worked together to figure out a way to stop the Mini-sun from blowing and finding a way to help save the Subterraneans by using it as a safe power source. Exciting stories involve punches and sometimes kicks.

At least the story makes sense, I guess. The only thing left to explain is why Aquaman wouldn't work with Superman and would rather punch him?

Oh yeah. This is a Greg Pak comic book. I'm sure it's mind control.

Arthur seems to be in his right mind which means he could stop this conflict by telling the sea monsters to swim in the other direction. But I guess they're "Subterranean Sea Monsters," so they probably wouldn't listen to him anyway. So instead, he tells Superman to give up and let the Subterraneans steal the Mini-Sun. I don't know why he's asking Clark to give up. Can't he just put him in a sleeper hold and accidentally break Clark's neck? I mean, slowly send him into unconsciousness? Instead, Superman head butts Aquaman's head which is about a thousand times more dense than Superman's right now and Superman's head doesn't explode. Instead, Aquaman grabs his forehead and says something like, "That actually hurt!"

At one point during the fisticuffs, Superman even thinks how he's tired of trying to explain things to Aquaman. That's standard Heroes Fighting 101! Of course Superman continues to fight because this version of Superman doesn't trust Aquaman to help save the day. Even if he thinks Aquaman is a joke, can't he trust that Aquaman will do anything to save his precious ocean? I get why Superman doesn't trust Commissioner Batman though. Even without super senses, he can smell cop all over that guy.

How many more cliches can we pack into this issue? I hope quite a few more since I did pay $3.99 for it.

You can tell how close the story is to ending by moments like this. Will Ukur finally believe Superman? If he does, the story is about to wind down. If he doesn't, more issues ahoy! I'm sure he'll finally calm down and begin listening to Superman now because this story needs to wrap up along with the other "Truth" Superman stories.

Commissioner Batman and Superman ride the rocket containing the Mini-sun into the sky so that it will blow up harmlessly in the atmosphere unless having a Mini-sun go nova in Earth's atmosphere is the opposite of harmless. Oh, I'm sure it'll be okay. All of those fears about the atmosphere igniting were proven to be just fears way back at Trinity, right? I mean, that wasn't a sun exploding but it was nearly the same thing! Probably!

Superman decides he's going to sit on top of the explosion in the hopes that it will reignite his powers and not just kill him. At this point, I'm hoping he just disintegrates because he's apparently too difficult to write.

Too bad for Commissioner Superman and Batman, the Dawn Command fly in with a spaceship and steal the Mini-sun. I guess the leader of the Dawn Command is one of the people joining with Wrath to destroy Superman and the Mini-sun is needed for their plan to succeed. And I guess Ukur and the Subterraneans will just have to go back to sitting in the dark. "Ha, ha!" as everybody in this comic book has been saying for some reason.

One of the escaped convicts from Blackgate yells all the appropriate things in the hearing range of Lucius Fox so he can offer to help them with their power problem at reasonable rates. Commissioner Batman doesn't say "Hey! That's a Blackgate Prison jumpsuit! Don't move! You're under arrest!" at all. Ukur tries to get the fighting going again because I guess he likes punching things better than light sources. But Aquaman knows how to keep this story on track to bring it to a happy conclusion!

Why couldn't somebody have said this four issues ago?! It rings so hollow being said now after I've spent sixteen dollars on this god-awful story!

Commissioner Gordon chastises Superman for good reasons and even makes some reasonable points. But Superman ignores him because he's Superman and how dare anybody that isn't Bruce Wayne tell him that he's acting like a total fucking dangerous douchebag? Clark decides to go speak with Bruce Wayne because he needs to be told he's doing the right thing, even if it's by some guy that doesn't recognize him anymore and has no idea what Clark is actually talking about.

That totally makes sense. Superman really wants advice from this guy?

I've played enough basketball in my life to know that it doesn't matter the size of the person who cries foul or who's doing the potential fouling. I've played too many games with my old high school friend who I haven't mentioned in a long time, Soy Rakelson, to know that Bruce's justice is bullshit. Soy was the king of fouling in basketball and he was the smallest guy on the court. If I had claimed that he kept fouling me on purpose, Bruce would have told me to shut the fuck up because I was the bigger person. Eat dick, Bruce. And, yes, I know these kids are playing soccer. They're practically the same thing. A bunch of people chasing a ball around and constantly claiming they're being fouled.

Clark learns some wisdom from Bruce even though it's the opposite wisdom he learned the last time this scene unfolded in Batman Loves Superman #1. Unless it was a different issue. It was one of those Jae Lee issues, anyway, because he made the wacky trees look really good. I guess Superman just likes to hear what he wants to hear so that he can feel good continuing to do the stupid bullshit he's been doing. What an asshole.

The epilogue has Vandal Savage meeting up with Wrath to point out that he's not Jesus Christ like I guessed he was. Also, he's stolen the Mini-sun because "a few thousand years of planning always pays off." What? He's been planning this for two thousand years or more? Who does he think he is? Harvest?!

This appearance of Vandal Savage is the exact opposite of his appearance in Justice League United #13. And just so you can decipher what I mean by that, Vandal's appearance in Justice League United was the best thing ever.

Batman Loves Superman #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hate this comic book. I hate that every little moment is some kind of Greg Pak thinks he's teaching the reader some kind of wisdom moment when it's actually shallow bullshit that doesn't actually add up. It's Superman acting like an asshole but unable to see that he's acting like an asshole because Greg Pak is desperately trying to make the other characters seem like the problem. It's a whole bunch of Superman bitching about how he's lost all of his powers and he can die at any moment but then headbutting Aquaman and taking bullets in the back and succeeding at activities that a powerless man could never actually succeed at. It's too much Superman being human and proving that anybody can do anything as long as they have the spirit and gumption to keep going punctuated by Superman continually pointing out how lucky he was to survive. I just fucking hate this comic book.