Batman Eternal #35

Do even mega-rich people need car insurance? Why would they?

The reason the mega-rich don't need car insurance is because if they ever get in an accident, the chauffeur takes the blame. Batman doesn't have car insurance because nobody will insure Batman. Also because nobody knows his real identity and if Batman ever crashes his car, he can just take off the costume before the police arrive and say, "Batman was driving!"

This issue begins two weeks after Hush was brought down by Batman. Hush is probably now cellmates with Jim Gordon.

Oh Lucius. You stole that story about the French man who despised the look of the Eiffel Tower so the only Paris cafe he could patronize was the one inside the tower.

It might be twenty years too late, but Bruce Wayne is finally getting to feel the pauper side of being an orphan. He's lost all of his shit and the only asset he probably still owns is the Batcave. And that's simply because nobody knows about it. He's lost all of his emergency caches to Hush, his business to the government, his closest associate to manslaughter charges, his house to Jeremiah Arkham, and his fuckfight buddy to the Gotham Underworld. And to top it all off, he's beginning to realize he might not be the World's Greatest Detective since he can't figure out who sent out all of the poorly formatted invitations to the Let's Bring Down Batman Bash. I'd guess the person behind the invitations was Talia al Ghul except they don't have that certain something that screams they were made by a woman that desperately wants to be thought of as creative but has no artistic ability at all. There wasn't even one stupid piece of clipart (complete with watermark still embedded across it) on the invite!

Last issue I was wondering what would happen to Hush. Would Batman lock him in a closet or ask Superman for a room in The Phantom Zone?

I guess he just shits against the wall furthest from his bed?

While Bruce assesses the damage Hush did to his finances, Vicki Vale finally finds her secret inner journalist and begins investigating Jason Bard. I'm surprised she knows how to track down leads after years of sourcing all of her stories from press releases and public relations agents.

Fuck you, media. You're the worst. When did news stories become equal time debates between people on both sides of an issue? Remember when the media would investigate the issue and then report on the issue with the facts they found instead of allowing the two sides to scream hyperbole at each other for ten minutes before the journalist cuts them off and says, "As you can see, it's a complicated issue." Fuck you all. Fuck you lazy bastards! Get a fucking spine, you cowards!

Jason Bard keeps telling everybody that it's almost over and nobody calls the department psychologist to make sure he's not going to shoot up the police station. What he's actually talking about is capturing Batman once and for all, of course. And then maybe strapping him to the Batsignal and taunting him?

Batman learned that card thing from The Joker! Batman even counted all of his cards and found he had fifty-two and thought, "Aha! I hold all the cards!" Then The Joker kicked his ass. I wonder if Batman's next big villain will be Rules For Various Card Games?

Vicki Vale learns that Detroit once had a Little Batman. Apparently the vigilante was the reason for Jason Bard's career choice to move to Gotham. She then makes a shocked face so she must be doing really good journalism!

Lucius, not wanting to become a pauper like Batman, has begun working for Jason Bard. But before working for Jason Bard, he told Bruce Wayne to tell Batman that he was working for Jason Bard. So now that Batman is driving the Batmobile into Jason Bard's trap, Batman has probably prepared for any way that Lucius could fuck with him. So when Jason Bard uses Lucius to take over the controls of the Batmobile, Batman probably already has a plan in place to counter it.

You know your plan is bad when Bullock is against it.

Jason Bard lost his sweetie, Jodie Hawkins, to the Detroit Batman, I suppose. And that's why he agreed to help end The Batman. The issue ends with Batman still in the Batmobile (maybe?) as it crashes through one of the top floors of Wayne Enterprises, drives across the building, and crashes out the other side. Although the cover shows him escaping, so what do I know? Stupid lying covers are always lying. At least it isn't made out of Lego.

Batman Eternal #35 Rating: No change. I'm concerned about the care and treatment of Hush in his Batcave cubicle. Does Batman use the Justice League teleporters to teleport food into the cell and teleport waste out? Any other method of delivering things to Hush is too dangerous! I bet the cell has no toilets or seams because it was meant to hold Clayface. Maybe Julia gasses Hush every time she needs to feed him or change his diaper. I really think Batman should look into doing a Phantom Zone time share with Clark. Maybe they could set up a portal in the Batcave. Superman doesn't have a problem abandoning criminals in that timeless void. Why should Batman? It would sure take care of his Joker problem.

Batman Eternal #34

How Shakespearean!

See how I mentioned Shakespeare? That shows that I'm intellectual because I know the name of a guy who wrote stuff that people still like to tell other people they've read even if they've only seen the Mel Gibson version of the movie of the play. Or at least read the synopsis on IMDB.

I think it's time I just start shallowly referencing things instead of giving my opinions on things because I'm all out of opinions! I think I was supposed to kick ass somewhere in that last sentence as well! That's a reference to people on the internet that like to reference They Live!

This issue begins with that confrontation between Hush and Julia which ended last issue. While Julia blows a hole through Hush's shoulder with a grappling hook gun, Hush still manages to shoot her in the kidney, lock her in the cache, and blow it up. I'm not an expert on the biology of comic book characters, but shouldn't a grappling hook blown straight through somebody's shoulder hurt a little bit? Maybe Hush walked away from the scene and then collapsed against a wall screaming, "HOLY FUCKING JESUS FUCKERS!" And then maybe his arm fell off too. And he bled out. And Batman Eternal was over!

Batman rescues Julia who used her S.A.S. training to burrow like a mole down into the sewer tunnels before the explosion went off. Maybe she'll take on the name Batmole.

By the way, what's been happening with Jim Gordon? Did he get a lethal injection while the comic book was following a different plot thread?

Jesus, Bruce. Put it back in your pants. It's not like you just got invited to prom.

Bruce meets up with Hush and Hush mentions that this is the finale! I don't think Hush has much control over his narrative because in no way is this comic book anywhere near over. Spoiler still has to wind up in Catwoman's clutches. Batman needs to have trained two new sidekicks. Selina should have an underground replica of an ancient Egyptian city. Batman needs to be tied to the Batsignal while Gotham burns. There's still an awful lot left that needs to happen, Hush! I think you just blew your load early.

Oh! Maybe this is prom! Let's dance!

At this point, do Batman's batarangs ever need to return to him? I can't remember the last time he's needed them to do anything except fly straight into the bad guy.

Batman beats the crap out of Hush in just a few pages. I'm sure that, Hush being a super villain and all that, getting his ass kicked was just part of his plan! He was probably just distracting Batman while other aspects of his grand scheme fell into place. But before we find out what those aspects were, one more shot from prom.

Nearly an exact transcript from my after prom activities!

While Batman was fighting Hush, Lucius Fox held a press conference to declare that Wayne Enterprises has been taken over by the federal government. Oh no! Is Batman going to have to prove that he can still be Batman without all the money to back him up?! I suppose the worst problem facing Batman right now is that he'll have to lay off Alfred. But more important than Batman losing his corporation is the poorly designed invitation he finds in Hush's coat pocket. It's the same one Jason Bard and others were sent two weeks before James Gordon was framed for crashing a couple of subways together. Which means it's time to celebrate! I knew stupid, boring Hush couldn't be the person behind it all! Bring on the more interesting villains!

Batman Eternal #34 Rating: What does Batman do with Hush now that he's beaten him? The Gotham Police have just been releasing criminals he's been bringing in. Jason Bard is corrupt (although maybe getting less corrupt after Hush killed a bunch of cops). Arkham Asylum has been destroyed. Killing is probably still off the table. So what happens to Hush? I suppose Batman could just lock him in a closet somewhere. Or induce a coma and stick him in the hospital named after his mother. Or maybe he can rent out a space in the Phantom Zone from Superman.

Batman Eternal #33

Does anybody else think it's time we start investigating these district attorneys who don't fight to put police on trial when they've killed an unarmed person in the "line of duty"? Perhaps we should also look into Grand Jury tampering while we're at it because I find it hard believe that nobody on any jury seems to ever think any of these police officers shouldn't at least be tried before a real jury in a real court looking at the real evidence. It seems strange to me that we keep getting people in Grand Juries who don't mind having state sanctioned murderers roaming the streets without any kind of oversight whatsoever. Where is the Super Nanny version of a District Attorney to come along and point out that if you consistently teach children (you know, police officers) that punishment is inconsistent (you know, nonexistent), they will continue to misbehave (you know, murder)?

I wonder if I can start a t-shirt line with images of police officers who have murdered civilians with the word "MURDERER" plastered across them? Is that something legal I can do? Maybe sell them at protests? Of course, the money wouldn't go to help anybody. This is a for profit business idea, jerks! What do I look like? An agent of social change?

Speaking of corrupt cops (is that redundant? I don't mind calling all cops corrupt. Until those fabled good cops begin stepping up and pointing out the corrupt cops and the problems created by an insular group who think they're paid to shepherd the populace, fuck them all), the Gotham Police are still looking to arrest Batman because they're not just corrupt, they're also idiots! Forget the real crooks! Let's go after the guy that catches all the criminals and keeps the city safe and makes us look awful at our jobs. Oh! That's probably why they want to stop him! I guess they think catching Batman is easier than doing better at their jobs. That's another reason why they're idiots because it's not! It would be much easier to just be better police.

Looks like Jason Bard is on the verge of turning into one of those good cops!

Batman and Penny-Two now have to run about Gotham destroying all of Batman's weapon caches because they're full of Semtex and grenades which Hush is running about Gotham blowing up. After each explosion, Batarangs are all over the place so it's obviously Batman's doing. Because Batman is known for leaving evidence of his involvement in crimes and/or investigations all over the place.

While Batman and Julia try to destroy one of seventeen caches, the Gotham Police Anti-Batman Enforcer attacks. He's just a guy in a nutty suit that's about to get his ass kicked by The Batman. The fight might go a few more pages than you would think would be needed by an untrained guy in a bulky suit battling The Batman. But that's because Snyder and his team have to come up with a new stories every week. EVERY WEEK! So you can expect a few padded fight scenes thrown in. Fight scenes are to comics what double spacing and larger fonts are to college papers.

Julia and Batman dispatch the Gotham Police (in a kind and loving way, of course!) and then engage the Acid Protocol. That's where Batman destroys the weapons cache by dousing it in hydrochloric acid. Which means that when Hush explodes these caches, hydrochloric acid is blown all over the place! Batman's hidden weapon caches might the deadliest threat to Gotham City's safety! What was he thinking? By the way, that's exactly what Julia Pennyworth asks him: "What the fuck were you thinking, you right cunt?" She's British!

While she and Batman split up to take out the weapon caches, Alfred monitors their movements. And while he's blah blah blahing to Bruce about his daughter's safety, he's not monitoring his daughter's location! Otherwise he would have noticed that Hush has moved in to confront her!

I think she can kick his ass. She's S.A.S! I know they're badass because they defeated Hitman! Or nearly did. Or something. I forget! I'd better go back and reread my Hitman comic books soon.

Batman Eternal #33 Rating: Another weekly that really focused on one thread of the story. Although I like that trend, this was kind of a boring thread. Batman and Julia disarming locks and spraying weapons with acid? Now I'm wishing the fight scene had actually gone longer than it did!

Bat-Mad Lib Eternal #32

Hush (verb, present tense) Spoiler in the (body part) while Batman (verb, present tense) Hush right (preposition) the ass.

Last issue, (animal)man mostly just (verb, past tense) around in his Bat(conveyance). But (preferred pronoun) did manage to (comic book feat I can't remember because it happened last month). So that was something(punctuation mark)

Alfred Pennyworth, Batman's (synonym for indentured servant), teamed up with (ethnic super villain) to escape the ruins of Arkham (place where people are treated horribly). Alfred has been (adverb that is not fucking literally) hallucinating due to an injection (super villain with a stupid name) gave him directly to his (organ which men use to make decisions). But he's (comparative) now!

The issue ended with (something a librarian says) about to kill Cluemaster's daughter, (part of a car).

How come whenever a character has a (ranged weapon that doesn't kill people because people apparently kill people, quite often with the ranged weapon's help), they always get too close, allowing their opponent to (verb) them?

Batman arrives to (verb) the (unit of time least likely to encounter a bat) using his personalized take on the (weapon co-opted from another culture). Hush lobs a (fruit) at Batman and Spoiler which causes a huge (noisy event not usually involving children). When the (noun) clears, Batman finds that Hush and Spoiler have pulled a (famous DC Comic Book character) on him and disappeared.

Later, Batman returns to (verb) Bat(non-human body part) because he loves him. Or he just doesn't want Batwing's (inevitable, depressing, horrible fact of life that we constantly try to ignore by having loads of sex, eating lots and lots of decadent foods, and immersing ourselves in constant yet ultimately meaningless distractions) on his conscience. Or he was just (verb, past tense) of hearing Batwing mutter over the Batcom, "(desperate plea) (selfish pronoun)!"

Alfred (worthless monetary unit)worth is a bad ass. He had ('a' or 'an', depending on how pretentious you'd like to sound) historic building dropped on him and only needed one small (brand name item used to refer to all items of like type) on his (body part that isn't penis or vagina because you've probably already used those).

Meanwhile on the roof of the (Gotham building full of corrupt assholes. So, you know, any of them), Jason (Dungeons and Dragons character class) and Hush finally meet face to (body part often used in sex) to talk (the best sex) to (the worst sex). (Yes, I realize the wording in the previous blanks will wind up with Jason Bard and Hush meeting to talk doggy style to anal. Or meeting to talk with my soulmate to my first time.) I (verb) this is the first time Hush and (minor character with a limp) have met to show they're definitely (gerund) together.

(entire paragraph that basically amounts to "Scott Lobdell is a lousy writer.")

Jason Bard goes to visit (poor man's Lois Lane) to discuss what he's learned about Hush's (plural noun). At the same time, Batman notices somebody has (illegal but cool verb to do, past tense) the MacGregor database. That's the listing of all of Batman's (adjective) weapons caches across (fictional city that means village of goats). For anybody too (adjective that isn't 'retarded' but could be if you are an insensitive bastard!) to figure out (math equation), I'll spell it out for you: (super villain) (verb, past tense) (article) (noun)!

Oh (expletive)!

The final pages play out with (repressed vigilante with a sad social life) being framed for (overused media noun adjunct) attacks all over Gotham City. When is (character I don't care about) going to step up and do something about this (other character I don't care about) before all (fictional place used to keep people nice by being afraid) breaks loose!

Batman Eternal #32 Rating (in which I've already filled out the Mad Lib blanks): Dog farts extrapolate polar median hibiscus monstrosities. Phallic raiment devolves upon shoddy platonic wet dreams. Demonstrative police savage inane pituitary concerns. Batman? Why, tuberculosis, of course!

Batman Eternal #23

This issue: Catwoman steals an albino lion cub a snow leopard that poops jewels!

I have a habit of writing things that turn people away simply by their style or presentation. So people see Dwarf Lover and think, "Fucking lousy non-artist sprite comic bullshit." Even though it isn't a sprite comic at all; it's fucking collage, you morons. And then there's That Cavortin' Bastard where I have some essays I'm particularly proud of but they're presented in a heavy slang that leads a lot of morons to say, "I couldn't get past the language." And of course, let's not forget Future Retard which presents a "baby" from the future having conversations with a masturbating metal head who becomes the love interest of a gay Stephen Hawkings. Now, I can't take sole credit for that (or That Cavortin' Bastard whom I didn't create but my essays in his voice are solely my essays whereas Future Retard was a collaborative creation and co-writing effort with my friend Upright) but I still think it's an intelligently speculative look at where we're headed due to most people using the internet's knowledge as a crutch, thereby never expanding their own knowledge base independent of outside sources. And then there was Crazy Asian Drinks which everybody just decided was racist before even reading it. Maybe it was. I don't know! It wasn't meant to be! And now I'm writing a short story about one of my favorite new characters, Goggles, and it's presented in yet another language that probably turns most people off. Instead of calling myself a person who stubbornly refuses to present easily digestible material, I'm going to go with "a person who has artistic integrity." Fuck, I'm still surprised anybody reads these daily stupid fucking commentaries as it is.

Anyway, all that is to say, for those not interested at all in my Futures End stuff, fuck you. I mean, don't worry! I meant to say "don't worry" and not "fuck you!" That was one of those slips that don't actually mean anything because nobody believes anything Freud said anyway anymore, right? So, um, "Don't worry!" You'll still be getting my stupid voice commentaries with the weekly Futures End, the weekly Batman Eternal, and any other DC Comics that were mistakenly scheduled during Super Fabulous Futures End Extravaganza Month! Like Superman Unchained #Isn't-This-Over-Yet? That wasn't a stupid fucking hashtag, by the way. That was a number sign. As in "Number Isn't-This-Over-Yet?" God, I hate having to explain myself! And yet it seems that's all I fucking ever do! Hey world? Smarten the fuck up!

I think I might be in a bitter ranty mood today! That's good news for readers! That's bad news for Tim Seeley who scripted this issue! Oh, Timmy my man! Grit your teeth and spread them fuckin' cheeks cause I'm going in raw!

Wait a second. I'm assuming Catwoman means his pirate skin since he's the pirate that loves wearing endangered animals as clothing. But how can he make the dead pirate skin jacket if he's the dead pirate? I think Selina needs to work on her one-liners.

Meanwhile, Batman continues to beat The Architect with discarded rebar.

See? It was okay to make a buttsecks joke about me and Tim Seeley because Tim Seeley makes them himself. I mean, I only made the buttsecks joke because Tim Seeley makes them and I thought he deserved some of his own suppositories. See how I said suppositories instead of medicine because suppositories are butt medicine! Dammit! I'm explaining again! Why am I writing to the idiots?! I'm going to simply pretend everybody understands every single thing I say even though I know that isn't true since I often don't understand what the fuck I was saying when I reread my own crap.

That kid happens to be Jade, the kid that Killer Croc and The Batman saved from the Ten-Eyed Man.

Jesus Christ, DC Comics. The Ten-Eyed Man? Who's responsible for that creation? Come on, just tell me! Let's see...Frank Robbins? He's the same guy that created Jason Bard! Is that why he made an appearance? A little shout out to psychotronic freakout maestro Frank Robbins? I don't know if any of those adjective actually fit him but he does look like he's on acid in his Wikipedia picture and he did create The Ten-Eyed Man. So they probably fit him.

Jade takes Selina through the sewer system and into Blackgate prison where she gets to speak directly with Rex Calabrese. Who? you're probably asking even though you've been following along with Batman Eternal the whole time and have been saying "Who?" every time his name appears. He was a big crime boss that ran the city for years and, apparently, raised Selina Kyle from the age of nine until the age of whenever the fuck it was he abandoned her. Now he wants to mentor her as the new crime boss of Gotham City.

The Architect's Tesla Resonation Device sets off some serious seismic activity in Gotham. Are we going to have to go through the Reboot No Man's Land now? Fuck.

Hush spouts more Aristotelian bullshit which makes him feel better that his plans to bring down Wayne's Beacon Tower failed. I don't think his Aristotle quotes ever really match the situation until after he says them. Being psychotic, they probably just pop into his head at random and then he deals with the situation according to the quote that popped into his head. It's a more pretentious version of Harvey Dent's coin toss.

Selina refuses Rex's offer but, as we've seen in the sneak episode that interrupted Batman's Zero Year, Selina will eventually change her mind. Until then, Jason Bard's next move in his long con is to get Mayor Hady to declare martial law. I think maybe it's just finally time to hang an "Out of Order" sign on Gotham City and leave it to the rats.

Batman Eternal #23 Rating: No change. A lot hast been happening in this comic book and I think it's all being handled nicely. This is the first weekly comic book I've ever read (I was on the Long Hiatus during 52, and I was rarely reading Batman and Superman back in the days when they might have a huge crossover where a chapter of the story came out each week but in a different title) and I appreciate how much more can be done in a series like this where you don't have to wait a full month between chapters. On a monthly book, you can only concentrate on one main story with a few subplots that will eventually take over as the main story. Too much and you'll lose the reader's focus. But on a weekly, you can build up a fucking shit-ton of "main plots" and, with a steady and consistent pacing and rotation, you get a really full story that is just coming off the hinges. Outstanding work by the entire creative team working on this series so far. I'm really enjoying it.