Daredevil #9

Spider-man! Spider-man! Does whatever Daredevil can't! Look out! Spider-man doesn't rhyme with can't!

The Review or Whatever!
Spider-man is a jerk. He thinks he's funny but he's really just inaccessible. He uses humor to remain emotionally distant. If he doesn't form close bonds, he doesn't have to worry about having his feelings hurt. His entire shtick is devised to keep him detached. Why would you choose to be associated with a spider? I mean besides because a spider gave him his powers. I mean, he didn't have to choose to be Spider-man. His super powers are the ability to sense danger and being inordinately strong. That doesn't scream spider to me. But you know what does scream spider? Anybody who sees one! Which is probably why he chose to be a spider because it creeps people out and keeps them wanting to get close to him. He also developed his web technology so he can apprehend villains from a distance. You never know when Black Cat is going to try to seduce you and you're going to fall for it and you're suddenly going to open up and realize you have no idea how to handle the flood of emotions you've locked away inside of you since your mother taught you emotions were only to be used to manipulate and control! I mean, you know, that's probably what Peter Parker learned early on in life. Frickin' Aunt May.

That's about as good as I get at to a Browning's style dramatic monologue! I'm not as clever or subtle! That's also about as good as I get at a review of a Marvel comic book! Now you're left wondering: "did Tess like it? Tess didn't even talk about it? What the fuck is wrong with Tess? How is this a comic book review site? Who the fuck does Tess think Tess is? Why am I avoiding the use of pronouns? What am I doing with my life? Reading comic book 'reviews' on the internet? I should be pursuing my dreams and desires! Why am I such a horrible failure? Maybe I can at least disappear into the unthinking pleasures of a self-induced orgasm to suspend, for even the merest of moments, the crushing weight of choices that have left me paralyzed and unable to live any semblance of an adult life!" Come on. You know that's what you were thinking!

Daredevil #8

How does Daredevil know what cards he's holding? His "amazing 360-radar sense"? I guess that's where the bluff comes in!

The Review or Whatever!
Texas Hold'em is all about betting and confidence, so a person doesn't really need to know what cards they're holding. Especially if they don't care about losing all of their money. But seriously. You could probably play Texas Hold'em almost as well by never even picking up your cards. Texas Hold'em is a lot like life (just like everything, if you want to make it into an awful allegory like I'm about to do). You can worry about the cards that were dealt but that isn't going to help with the hand because what you get is what you get, motherfucker. You're fucking stuck with the shit you've been given. But that doesn't mean you can't accomplish whatever you want (which, since you're playing poker, "whatever you want" is actually just "winning lots of money"). It just means it's going to be a lot harder for a person dealt a nine high to take the money of somebody dealt a royal flush. Okay, you know what? No way that is ever going to happen. So you should probably fold because a person dealt a royal flush would never fold. But that still works well with the life allegory because if you're born at the bottom of society's ranking of poker hands, there's really only so much money you're likely to make. You can probably bluff a lot of pairs and two pairs off of their hands and, depending on the suits on the cards on the table, maybe even some trips. But are you going to knock down somebody with a full house or a straight flush? No fucking way. But, as I said, Texas Hold'em is all about betting and confidence. If you're confident enough, you just might convince somebody with a straight flush that you've got the royal version. You just never know until you try! Although if you were born with a nine high, you're never getting into the places where the people born with a royal flush in their mouth play anyway. So you should probably resign yourself to a life of washing their dishes.

What I said.

Daredevil makes his way to the final table of a Texas Hold'em Tournament in Macau where he's up against a telepath working for the casino. But since Matt doesn't know what cards he's holding, it won't help the telepath at all. And since it's Texas Hold'em, who needs to know their own cards to win? Play the man, not the cards, as they say. I think? Do people say that?

Daredevil wins the tournament but that's not much of a spoiler because the real story doesn't begin until next issue. What is important is that he can't cash the ten million dollar check for winning because it's made out to the fake name he used to enter the tournament. What the hell, Murdock? You're a fucking lawyer! Surely you could have created an alias strong enough to legally cash a check! What is wrong with you?! Don't you care about money?!

Anyway, next issue has Spider-man in it.

Daredevil #7

Here's a totally new joke for any five year olds who read my blog: Daredevil is horny!

The Review or Whatever!
This is how a comic book that grown people read begins: "When Matt Murdock was a kid, he lost his sight in an accident involving a truck carrying radioactive chemicals. Though he could no longer see, the chemicals heightened Murdock's other senses and imbued him with an amazing 360-radar sense." I don't know what "360-radar sense" means but I'm guessing it's a typo and also it's not the ridiculous part of this statement! If the sentence immediately following "accident involving radioactive chemicals" doesn't include the phrases "loss of hair", "violent diarrhea", "crippling nausea", and "eventually succumbed to cancer," an adult should find it laughable! I can see a kid going, "Oh yeah! Mutations are awesome!" But an adult should not be saying, "That's totally how science works! Because science is just God telling molecules what to do!"

At the end of the last issue, I was surprised to learn that Elektra had a child. At the end of this issue, I'm surprised to learn that Elektra doesn't have a child. That was the quickest surprise retcon flip-flop turnover twist in the history of comic books!

I was also disappointed that nobody had sex. I don't know why. There were at least two pages with Foggy that could have been dumped for sex scenes.

Daredevil #6

Is this cover All Ages appropriate?!

The Review!
One thing I was thinking while reading Daredevil #6 was, "Why am I reading Daredevil?" The easy answer is because I fell in love with Charles Soule and decided to support him but I wish I would have known he was doing that Vision comic book too (although he isn't, dum-dum!). I think I would have liked that better than this one because even though Charles Soule is writing it (except he isn't! Tom King is!), I can't stop thinking, "Why am I reading Daredevil?" He's never really intrigued me. You might even say that between Daredevil and Nick Fury, they helped ruin Marvel Comics for me! They were the first comic books I discovered and I found them utterly boring. Maybe not Daredevil as much as Nick Fury. Imagine a little kid picking up a comic book called "Nick Fury, Agent of Shield." It may as well have read "Your Father's Friend, Tow Truck Driver" across the front. I remember one cover was just Nick Fury's face really big. At least he had an eye patch. Although if he hadn't had that eye patch, I probably wouldn't have been tricked into reading the comic book! All of the potential excitement was in the eye patch! And really, Daredevil wasn't much better. A blind lawyer? I'm eight years old and I'm supposed to find the adventures of a blind lawyer exciting? It's possible (and highly probable) I never even read their comic books anyway. I think there were a few Hulk books in the box of comics that I read and then gave up on them altogether. It's not like Hulk fought a bear or anything.

Another thing I thought while reading this comic book: Elektra has a kid? That may have spoiled the ending if nobody else also knew that Elektra had a kid either. Aside from that, it was a flaccid, mediocre experience. Charles Soule, you can do better.

Daredevil #1

I really should be reading Vision over this comic book but I'm horribly out of touch with everything.

Here is what I know about Daredevil: he's a blind lawyer who lives in Hell's Kitchen who once banged Electra. Unless it was Electra who banged Daredevil. I just want to make it known that I don't care who the object of the banging was as long as there was banging. As far as the second person on the cover goes, I have no idea who that is. Daredevil's new sidekick, Stripes?

The first page explains everything the new reader needs to know about Daredevil. It says, "I am Matt Murdock. I am Daredevil." Oh, that was another thing I knew about Daredevil! I knew his name! He should go into court wearing a shirt with two big overlapping "M"s on it. Then he could wink to the jury and say things like, "Am I winking? I feel like I'm winking. If I'm not winking, imagine that I'm winking because I'm trying to wink and it really feels like I'm winking but I can't really tell, you know?" Then the hottest member of the jury will be all, "Oh yeah, buddy. You're winking!" If you couldn't tell by the way I wrote that sentence, the hottest member of the jury was a man and Matt Murdock was totally into it. He was all, "Matt Murdock? More like Matt More Cock, am I right?!"

I'm sorry if I've already offended any gay blind lawyers! And also I'm sorry if I've offended any DC Fangenders because, as you may have noticed, this is a Marvel book.

On the second page, Daredevil reminds me of the other most important thing about him! I can't believe I forgot about it because it used to be on every fucking cover of every fucking Daredevil book published when I was younger: he's the man without fear! Like Hal Jordan!

"Am I teabagging these thugs? Somebody tell me if I'm teabagging them! Is this how it's done?!"

Some gang working for some guy named Tenfingers have just thrown a kid named Billy Li (Billy's parents were obviously wise acres) off the Manhattan Bridge. You might be familiar with that name because it's in New York. New York is the universe where all of the Marvel stories take place. The reason I mentioned Billy is that Daredevil dove off the bridge to keep Billy from drowning. Now all of the gang members are worried that Daredevil has managed to waste their time and that Tenfingers won't be happy about it.

What kind of gang leader name is Tenfingers? It's not like it's something fucking special! I could be Tenfingers! Although I'm not because I wouldn't choose a stupid fucking name like that. I'd probably call myself One-Face or Two Kidneys! This is where a lesser comic would throw in something ridiculous at the end of the list, like Five Dongs or Four Testes! But I'm more refined than that and I'm trying to take my reviewing job more seriously in 2016. I want be more like other reviewers where I flaunt my intellect and writing skills and avoid being silly and whimsical. Save that shit for whenever it's more appropriate. Like maybe at a speech during your Godson's baptism or your best friend's marriage that everybody already knows is doomed to fail.

This is the part where Daredevil deals some justice outside of the courtroom!

I wonder how long it'll be until he battles Spider-man in a big mix-up?!

Tenfingers' gang is too numerous for Daredevil to deal with on his own so his sidekick helps out. His sidekick is invisible and his name is...no, you know what. By saying his name, I'm going to tank this commentary right back down into Stupidville because nobody will believe me for one second that Daredevil's sidekick is named Blindspot. Ugh. I feel like I should call up Charles Soule's parents and apologize for the embarrassment their son has just caused them.

I probably shouldn't call Charles' mom because I don't even know if Charles Soule invented Blindspot. Asking Lord Google, it appears Blindspot is female and has been around for over a decade. I guess Charles Soule is just too clever for his own good. I bet he cracked himself up teaming Blindspot with Daredevil.

Shit, I don't even know if it was Soule's idea! For all I know, Daredevil and Blindspot have been lovers for over a decade! Although I bet they've both battled Spider-man!

Daredevil uses the masculine pronoun when admiring Blindspot's technique so I guess Daredevil's super-senses aren't any good determining gender.

I guess Daredevil used Blindspot's power to make everybody forget about him or something he did or the late age he was when he finally got laid.

Apparently Foggy is the only one left who knows Matt Murdock is Daredevil. And he's not happy about it because he can't use the information to get laid anymore.

It turns out Daredevil was protecting Billy Li because Matt Murdock needs Billy Li to testify in court against one of Tenfingers' lieutenants. Also Matt Murdock is now a prosecutor for the universe of New York. Is this where I'm supposed to get smart and start discussing how symbolic it is that Daredevil is a prosecutor rather than a defendant? Or do I write what I'm honestly thinking about which is how big is Daredevil's penis?

While Matt Murdock makes plans to bring down Tenfingers' gang, Tenfingers makes a plan of his own! Although is "kill everybody in my way" really a plan? That's just status quo!

Tenfingers still doesn't make sense because he's Twentyfingers! And that's Blindspot behind him so I guess this Blindspot is a guy.

I'm only reading one Marvel comic book (sort of! But I won't get into the sort of here because it messes up what I'm going to say next) so I'm not going to rate it. That would be a waste of time because it would be #1 out of 1 comic books! It's the best and worst Marvel book I'm currently reading! Although I have a feeling Tom King's Vision is way better. Stupid me! I should be reading that!

Aquaman and the Others #11

This is the last time DC Comics will ever let these heroes share a cover.

This is probably the last time I'll ever read an Aquaman and the Others comic book because nobody in their right mind would give this team another chance. They were just awful. And boring. And none of them were interesting. Although according to Erik Larsen and the silent majority, Ya'Wara's costume should have had this comic book flying off of the shelves.

Speaking of Erik Larsen and his vocal minority bit, here's a little something I wrote back in June 2013 in my Batwoman #21 commentary. This is just the conclusion to a longer piece but it shows that I, at least, think he's targeting the wrong "vocal minority":

Anyway, I was just thinking I should discuss diversity at some point and why I never really discuss it much! I'm neutral on diversity so I'm not the target audience. But I'm also not the target audience on non-diverse comic book characters! I think that's probably a good part of the silent majority. Which means when a company thinks that diverse characters won't sell, they're absolutely wrong because they're listening to a vocal minority. I'll read ANY character if the story is well-written and/or drawn beautifully! Which probably means I shouldn't stay silent on being pro-diversity! So it's probably a good thing to be writing this. Take note, DC. White male characters don't sell because comic book fans demand white males. White males sell because that's what you're fucking selling us.

So when I say I'm neutral on it, I just mean I'm not emotionally invested one way or the other on the background of a character. I think diversity is important because it's so important to fans under-represented for years. The only time comic fans should ever be angry concerning comic book characters is when Scott Lobdell is shitting all over them.

I wish Aquaman and the Others were a more diverse team but instead they're all the same: boring.

Shouldn't Atlanteans have gills? Do they all die of lung cancer that's similar to the kind you get from asbestos caught in the lungs but they develop it from lungs full of fish poop?

After eleven issues, nobody reading this comic book has any idea who any of the characters really are. They've just been presented as the Atlantean Artifact they use. So in this final issue, we're getting little Narration Boxes provided by Vostok XI to tell us everybody's motivations. Apparently Aquaman is "strong" and "determined" and the "leader of the Others." Prisoner-of-War is "the conscience of the Others." Oh, is he? Is that the role he's been undertaking while either remaining silent or betraying the group? That seems about right.

Last issue, Mayhem launched a nuclear missile that is currently heading towards Spain. But iSpy and the Others are too busy battling Mayhem on an island in the middle of the ocean to try to stop the missile. POW! is all, "Can't you stop it iSpy?" And iSpy is all, "Not without a computer, POW!" And Ya'wara is all, "If only one of us could teleport you to a computer to stop the missile but I guess it's more important to fight this senseless battle with Mayhem who would be trapped on this island if we all just left and who knows what shenanigans they might get up to in that situation so I guess Spain will just have to be obliterated!" And Aquaman nods sagely and says, "It can't be helped."

Except luckily for all of the heroes that have forgotten that they can teleport, Vostok XI is at a computer! He can guide the missile away from Spain to detonate somewhere less harmful like Portugal! But he needs iSpy's help! And iSpy isn't sure he can trust Vostok XI to save the day even though if he doesn't trust him the day won't be saved! So maybe, um, trust him?

iSpy, being old and infirm and having an arthritic grip, drops the Code Sender before he can push the Code Sender Button. But Sayeh, having seen in a vision that he would drop the Code Sender, is nearby to pick it up and send the code herself! If only Maelsrom, the one member of Mayhem that wanted to prevent a catastrophe, wasn't in the way trying to prevent the catastrophe!

How is Sayeh supposed to match up in a fight against supervillains? Doesn't she simply see the future? She's getting her ass kicked out here! Why bring her along?!

Oh, I know why they brought her along! Because she saw in a vision that she was there to save the day so they had to bring her along even though Aquaman was all, "I don't see what you add to this team, Sayeh. Don't you think your outfit is a little too concealing?" No wait. That was Erik Larsen.

Sayeh defeats Maelstrom by telling her she's not living up to her potential. Maelstrom is all, "Oh? Really? Um, okay then! Ta-ta! I'm off to Hollywood!"

Judging by Sayeh's reaction, Maelstrom goes into porn.

Ya'ware cuts the muscles in Stranglehold's arms making her completely useless and then kicks her into the ocean to drown to put her out of her misery. Vostok XI mentions that Ya'wara is "savage" and "barely contained." Barely contained in her bikini, amirite?

Mera defeats some guy named Braze and calls him impotent while she's at because she always goes too far. Ya'wara might have made her opponent impotent and then killed her but at least she didn't call her impotent. There are some lines that just shouldn't be crossed.

Vostok XI forgets that he already did his Narration Box thing on Prisoner-of-War so he spends another page on him. This time he mentions how he's a soldier and how he fights for those soldiers who died around him fighting for justice and peace and freedom and the right for American corporations to engage in a modern version of Manifest Destiny. He beats up NKVDemon because it's symbolic of democracy defeating devils. Or something.

Ha ha! She's right, you know!

Aquaman gets lucky and beats Cheshire because she slips and hits her head on a rock. Maybe he commanded a sea worm to sacrifice itself by getting under her feet so that she'd slip! Clever!

Meanwhile Ya'wara finally remembers that she can teleport and heads to the moon to save Vostok XI who was just sitting there waiting for the nuclear missile he reprogrammed to fall on his head. The missile's nuclear warhead was disarmed so the moon wasn't knocked out of orbit or anything like that which could probably totally happen, right? Instead, the Soviet base was destroyed and The Others all returned to the yacht after leaving Mayhem on the island. Or drowning them. Or putting bullets in their heads. Or taking them to prison. That part is left kind of unclear. Maybe that's some kind of comment on "unclear" being an anagram of "nuclear." Or maybe the kicking and punching is just more important than the justice.

The Others decide it's time to disband for awhile and then they spend five pages waiting for the reader's applause to quiet down before they split up. Vostok XI decides to trade in his space helmet for a motorcycle helmet and travel the world for awhile.

Aquaman and the Others #11 Rating: No change. This entire series was like the hours spent after picking up somebody for a first date and discovering this on their bedroom wall:

Batman Eternal #46

Fuck Ra's. He's more boring than Hush.

I'm not in the mood for your shit, Ra's al Ghul. So just say your piece by acting superior, point out to Batman that you're not behind all the bullshit in Gotham but even so, you certainly weren't going to fucking pass up the Wayne Enterprises Fire Sale when you saw all of their corporate assets suddenly listed on richassholes.craigslist.org.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy in her summer greenhouse talking to orchids. Unless that's Harley Quinn's vagina in her hand. No, no. It's definitely an orchid. I don't know why this scene begins the comic book. So that Poison Ivy fans know that Pam made it out of Gotham safely? Or is this just foreshadowing of a big Batman versus Poison Ivy arc in the pages of Batman which will take place after Batman Eternal is over? Poison Ivy isn't even wearing anything sexy. "What use is this scene?" comic book fans everywhere ask their limp dicks and their parched vaginas.
[[MORE]]
Judging by the credits page, it looks like Poison Ivy might get more story on pages 7, 8, 17, and 20!

This issue is called "Batman... eternal?" because somebody thinks they're being clever.

Meanwhile, Batman is hunting down Ra's al Ghul because Batman found a bunch of clues. And being the World's Greatest Detective, he sometimes believes that he only ever finds clues and never ever finds red herrings. But I think he's on the wrong track this time. Ra's al Ghul as the big enemy? Pshaw! That's as obvious as finding raccoon turds in the kindergarten sand box.

Watch how you use this word correctly, boys and girls: "He can't mean that literally! Can he?!"

Look, what the fuck do I care? You can all keep on saying stupid shit like "I literally ate a candy bar two hours ago" or "I literally exploded from too much candy." It's literally no skin off my back.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Penitentiary, some inmate tries to pick up Selina Kyle as she passes through by saying, "Are those space pants you're wearing? 'cuz your..." but then he's cut off before he can finish. I assume the end of that line is "Because your ass can't breathe in a vacuum." My favorite pickup line is "Just touch it. Come on. Please."

Selina just ignores him because she has business with her father, Rex "Leo the Lion" Calabrese. But it's boring business so let's move on to Hush and Julia's scene.

Does Julia give Hush fresh bandages every day? Why does he need to keep his face wrapped? Did he cut off his face too?

Back in Pakistan, Ra's al Ghul proves that after living for centuries, the only thing left to say are cliches. So when Batman asks where Ra's al Ghul is, Ra's al Ghul cleverly responds, "Where I am is no longer the question. The question is...when? Ho ho ho hee hee hee. I'm so fucking clever and smarmy and evil." Ra's declares that they are now in Batman's future. So I guess Ra's built a silly funhouse to impress his favorite guest? Animatronic versions of possible future Batmans come sailing into the room on rails while Ra's describes them all for him. "Who will the future Batman be, hmm? Will you be replaced by a monkey bent on vengeance and banana lust? No? Perhaps a wee little teenaged girl with the first actual documented case of penis envy (it's a long story which I've been writing whenever I get a little bit of free time away from world domination)? Perhaps the future you will be my grandson? It will be, right? You're going to do right by that kid and not just abandon him, right! And while we're on the subject of Damian, I've got these cute little boots for him and a scabbard with a demon's head I knitted for him! Do you think he'll like it?"

Once Batman realizes he's just tripping in Ra's al Ghul's Funhouse of Bat-Terror, he notices Mr. Darrk and Lord Death Man have joined him.

I don't know what it is. I'm sure Lord Death Man gets on some people's nerves but I find I never can get enough of him. "Sally Batman"! Oh, that's rich.

Hmm. I think I'm beginning to have an inkling why I can't get enough of him. He's all, "I'm fucking wacky!" And I'm all, "Ha ha! You are, Lord Death Man! You are!"

I wasn't really feeling very good when I began this commentary but Lord Death Man has really picked up my spirits. I'm ready to go out and face the world now! Too bad it's one-thirty in the morning and there's no world to really face. Unless I want to go interact with a bunch of drunks down the street at Mulligan's.

After Batman breaks all of Lord Death Man's breakable body parts, Mister Darrk drags Lord Death Man back to his recuperation room while Ra's al Ghul gets to tell Batman that his detective work has been pretty fucking shoddy. As I pointed out earlier, he's not behind the destruction of Gotham City. If he were involved, at the very least, the Invitations would have been printed with a much fancier font.

He followed the clues! He found them all! Every last clue was his! But alas they were not clues at all. They were the humble red herrings! The humblest fish of them all! And also the detective's worst enemy.

Back in Blackgate, Rex digs up some dirt on the party being thrown in Gotham. Turns out all the local mentally ill ex-residents of Arkham have an angel. Their angel has purchased loads and loads of goodies to help them celebrate with Batman. Poison Ivy is one of them which is why she's cut down her Harley Quinn Vagina Orchids and planted a bunch of Crying Death Mask Lotus Blossoms instead.

Batman Eternal #46 Rating: No change. I was feeling rather shitty before reading this and now I'm feeling slightly less than shitty. The only problem is World's End is next and that knowledge is bringing my mood back down! Would anybody mind if my World's End #20 commentary wound up being a snapshot of it burning in a waste receptacle? I could go the extra mile and just get a picture of me taking a shit on it but I'd need another person to snap that photo and I don't think anybody wants to witness that.

Tacoman and the Others #9

Aquaman and the Others #8

I wonder if Geoff Johns is pissed that Dan Jurgens has made sure that nobody will ever want to read another story starring The Others again?

Don't worry, Geoff Johns. The team was a bunch of boring assholes when you decided to create them. I think Dan Jurgens has been doing the best he can do with a team of shitty heroes and Jurgens' inability to write a story that doesn't take place in the eighties. The Others were never going to be a hit with the kids.

Last issue, we learned that the super-villain group Mayhem are squatting in Vostok-X's moonbase and have taken over an ancient Russian satellite with twelve nuclear warheads in it. Now they're going to demand that all the world governments give them everything they want or else they start dropping the nukes! If I was most of the world governments, I'd flip them the bird and say, "Go the fuck ahead! You only have twelve nukes and you know you'd better use them all on America or you cats are fucked." So maybe Mayhem will only actually threaten America. Hmm, that makes more sense.

The other issue The Others need to deal with is that iSpy killed one of POW!'s ghost soldiers. It wasn't on purpose or anything! It was just friendly fire. But now the ghost soldier feels that iSpy should die due to an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny case of manslaughter. How about taking a page out of Jesus Christ's book and forgiving the people that killed you?

Although, Jesus would make a show of forgiving them while dying on the cross since all his disciples were watching. But I bet once he found himself back in Heaven, he was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Ruin their Empire! Destroy their precious works of arts! Destroy them from the inside with our followers and from the outside with heathen beastmen! Do it right now, Daddy, or I'm going to scream!"

Why is it that only the crack is obscene? This would have been enough for my thirteen year old self to jerk off to.

Up on the moon, Cheshire is probably thinking, "How the hell did I get roped into working with these assholes?" I bet she has a contract to kill them all. Probably got the contract from Jonni DC who can't stand KGBeast and NKVDemon are still in continuity. They should have disappeared with the Cold War! Now I'm really wishing that KGBeast had actually died at the hands of Batman like Batman uncharacteristically meant to do. I think. That's second hand knowledge about a story where Batman cut off KGBeast's arm (and look! He's missing his arm!) and left him to die. And then it was just a thing that fans had to accept until some other writer came along and had Batman say something like, "Um, no, no, no! I just had to, um, go get a Bat-tourniquet! You know? And when I got back, he was gone! So I did all I could to save his life after nearly killing him, you know? Come on, guys! I don't kill! Ha. Ha ha! Ha."

The whole point in calling somebody a “loose cannon” is that they can’t be directed, you imbecile!

Cheshire and KGBeast discuss the possible loose cannons in the group when they should be discussing the weak cannon, Maelstrom. She's just in this to make the world a better place! As soon as she realizes these assholes are in this scheme for selfish reasons, she'll turn on them. So Mayhem will probably trap Aquaman and the Others. They'll be about to destroy America if their demands aren't met. And then Maelstrom will sneak off and free Aquaman so that Aquaman can save the day in space like he never does.

And while Mayhem ignores their weak link, Aquaman pisses all over his. He calls Vostok-X a clone one time too many and Vostok-X ditches the team. He heads to the moon to learn more about his past from KGBeast. And to maybe become bait. Or an ally. Or a corpse.

"Concrete blocks as far as the eye can see! Queues stretching as far as the concrete blocks! Everybody craving Levi jeans but nobody owning a pair! Legends of sweet drinks called 'Coke' and 'Pyepsi' filling our peoples with hope!"

iSpy comes up with a plan to retake control of the Russian Nukellite. He, Ya'wara, and POW! will teleport into an old Russian base in the Ural Mountains where they can use the old systems to access the satellite. POW! only comes along to kill iSpy, I'm sure. Which is how the issue ends, with POW!'s ghost in control of his body and trying to strangle iSpy to death while Ya'wara lies crumpled and sexy in the corner.

Aquaman and the Others #8 Rating: No change. It was boring but, for some reason, it didn't bother me as much as it usually does. Perhaps I'm still riding the high of Grayson #5 and I know I have Gotham Academy #3 to look forward to next. Poor Aquaman. Of course when he winds up on a team of heroes, they're just a bunch of jerks more boring than he is. Now I feel bad for Aquaman. Maybe I won't make fun of him when I read his next issue.

Aquaman and the Others #7

Argh! It's that time of month again? Do I have to read this?

DC Comics needs to cancel this book. They're going to do it eventually so why not now while they have all that revenue streaming in from their weekly comic books starring Batman, Replacement Batman, and Future Batman? And while they're at it, they should also cancel Infinity Man and the Forever People because nobody cares about Dan Didio reworking Jack Kirby's old creations; Constantine because having a hobbled Constantine means we don't get the full blown Constantine in Hellblazer (plus the current series has been lacking in a lot of ways); Sinestro because we don't need more Green Lantern books, especially boring as shit ones; Deathstroke because it's going to be painful watching Tony S. Daniel try to write and draw yet another book; New Suicide Squad because they fucked up the Rebooted Reboot immediately with the shitty roster and putting Sage in place above Waller; and Red Hood and the Outlaws. I'm sure a lot of people just punched my imaginary face with their imaginary fist for suggesting that. But you need to kill off this version before you can bring one along that works. Get Lobdell off of the title. Revamp the premise. Then allow Todd, Harper, and Kori to pal around in a book together. And drop that fucking outlaw shit from the title. It reeks of desperation. "Look! Look! They're anti-heroes!" I'm allowing Klarion to not be cancelled because I think Ann Nocenti can do the least harm on that book. Trinity of Sin can have a few more issues to get me interested. And Twat Lobo can stay too because I need a book that's the literature equivalent of going into a closet and whipping myself across the back forty times with a cat o' nine tails. It's what I deserve!

Just to prove that he could make this book more boring and irrelevant, Dan Jurgens has the team battling KGBeast.

Dude, shut up! You're going to ruin it for all of us! I mean, she has the right to dress however she pleases!

Remember how last issue ended with iSpy being thrown from a building, exactly the way no comic book has ever ended before in the history of comic books? I wonder why it's taken so long for a writer to realize how great that cliffhanger is!

Dan Jurgens: "If I end this issue with one of the Others falling off of a building, the readers will be on the edge of their seat for a full month wondering if he'll survive or how he'll get out of it! What could be more intense than a D-list character..."
Geoff Johns: "*AHEM*"
Dan Jurgens: "Um, right...an A-list character possibly falling to their death when the story ends?! The readers will go nuts!"
Aquaman and the Others' Five Readers: *picks up Aquaman and the Others #7*
Aquaman and the Others' Five Readers: *slides Aquaman and the Others #7 to the bottom of the stack*

Vostok-X flies up just in time to catch-X iSpy before he iSplatters all over the ground. They head back up to where KGBeast is waiting to swap KGBoring stories of glory days with Vostok-X. But only if Vostok-X is the Omega. Does he mean the last one? Or would that be the first one in Russian since they have that silly alphabet with all the backwards letters in it.

Yes, I called the Russian alphabet silly! What are they going to do about it? Make a bunch of buildings out of concrete blocks where they'll ration out Kit Kat bars to long queues of people afraid to gossip about Putin's sexuality? I hope nobody in the Portland Russian Mafia reads this blog! Or if they do, I hope they have a good sense of humor and are incapable of telling when people are lying when I tell them this entire paragraph was just a joke! Ha ha! Levity!

Is anybody interested in any of these characters yet?

I know why Aquaman hangs around with The Others. Because he seems exciting and likable by comparison. I don't care about Vostok-X's past because he has yet to interest me on any level. The same goes for all of the other Others as well. Except for Ya'wara. Her butt cheeks are moderately interesting.

Cheshire (or The Leprechaun. How the fuck should I know? iSpy merely calls her "her." That doesn't help!) drops out of the sky to even the odds. But then Aquaman drops out of the sky to uneven the odds right back. I think Mera is flying the warbird that Aquaman drops out of. When did she learn to pilot an aircraft? All those years when she lived in the ocean?

Cheshire, KGBeast, and a new ally of theirs, Maelstrom, escape with iSpy's flash drive full of sensitive information and his Anne of Green Gables fanfiction.

Aquaman and the Others stand around on the rooftop going, "Blah blah blah!" "Oh, blah blah blah blah blah!" "BLAH!" Blah ha ha ha!"

I wish DC would at least include gum with this comic book so I could choke on it and never have to read it again.

Let's take a poll. Hands up, who likes this book? Now look at both of your arms. If either one of them is up in the air, smack yourself in the face with it. Also go run around the neighborhood until you fall and skin your knee because you're obviously not feeling anything on any kind of regular basis. You need a shock to your system! If you know of a beehive nearby, go get stung. That should wake you up.

No! Not Mayhem! That sounds mildly irritating!

Meanwhile Prisoner of War has tea and tells a woman a story about how her husband died. It begins with an explosion in a building and Prisoner of War jumping to the conclusion that it's terrorists. Couldn't it have just been a domestic accident involving a cigarette, a build up of methane, and a toilet? That seems more probable.

The big twist in the story was that this woman's husband was killed in a firefight between KGBeast and iSpy! And it was probably iSpy's bullets that did the killing. Oh the humanitragedy!

Actually, I just finished the book and it definitely was iSpy that killed one of the "ghosts" inside Prisoner of War.

Meanwhile on the moon, Mayhem have taken over Vostok-X's old base! And what a group of super villains it is! Somebody named Brace and Stranglehold. Cheshire and Maelstrom. And KGBeast and NKDemon. And they've got a plan that would make 1980 say, "Really? Really? Are you sure you want to go with that...okay! Okay. Just asking. But I'm telling you, that was tired back when I was alive. Which was, you know, 1980."

Holy fuck. It just got even boringerer.

Aquaman and the Others #7 Rating: Hey Aquaman fans! Stop buying this stupid fucking comic book. You know who the only sane character in this comic book is? Mera! Because she keeps telling Aquaman he shouldn't be hanging around with these assholes.

Along with his run on Superman and Justice League International, this issue makes me believe that Dan Jurgens is some kind of artificial intelligence that was created in the eighties and built without a port for an ethernet cable or a USB. So he only has access to information that existed up until the time he was built and programmed. More evidence to that theory is that his art hasn't changed or grown since the eighties. I know Lan Medina drew this issue! I was talking about other issues, you Sopwith Camel! Anyway, Dan Jurgens, I've discovered your secret! You are a bulky 1980s robot that probably has a light that flashes back and forth across your face for eyes and has probably been programmed to disco dance to Michael Jackson music.

Aquaman and the Others #6

Welcome to the 90s, The Others!

I bet you could replace the punch line of any joke with "Aquaman!" and it would still be funny!

"How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Aquaman!"

Okay, maybe my theory was wrong. But at least I took the time to try one experiment before declaring if it was or wasn't valid. Maybe I just inserted him into the joke poorly. Let me try another one.

Aquaman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you?" Aquaman perks up, excited to finally be recognized, and asks, "You've got a drink called a Big Dumb Stupid Loser Face?"

That joke needs some workshopping but I think it's close!

This issue begins with Aquaman and Mera looking dopey.

They look dopier in the full body shot that left off their feet. But I didn't want to waste the storage space on a full page scan.

The person Aquaman is speaking to is Vostok-XI. But Vostok-XI, being a clone of Vostok-X, still thinks he's Vostok-X. I suppose if he'd been cloned early in Vostok-X's life, he'd think he was Vostok-IX! But Aquaman and the Others, being that they don't live in the Marvel Universe, have not had a lot of experience with clones.

Let's take a quick statistical look at this comic book after three pages, shall we?

Number of Panels: Two.
Number of Seagulls: About thirty-seven.
Idiots That Don't Know Their Roman Numerals: One (at least).
Idiots That Don't Know Their Alphabet: One (at least).
Ya'wara's Butt Cheeks: Zero.
Bored Readers: One that I know of. Actual number probably equal to the number of issues this comic book sold.

iSpy's son, Aaron, is the idiot that doesn't know his alphabet or his Roman Numerals. He thinks that this Vostok, being a clone of Vostok-X, should be called either "Vostok-II" or "Vostok-Z". He's wrong on both counts!

Anyway, who is Vostok-X?! I hope this doesn't turn into a five part story to find out because I don't really care! He's a Russian guy with a magic helmet that lives on the moon. So what if there are two of them? Or were two of them. Just pretend this guy is the real one and get on with telling another story in which he dies. Aquaman decides a replacement copy of an old friend is just about as good as having the old friend back and that's good enough for The Others.

Cool kids? What cool kids? Where?

Aquaman shows Mera just how deluded he is when he tells her that the world needs The Others. Why? What have they ever done to help save the world? I think they hunted down Black Manta and pissed him off which eventually got two of them killed. And they battled a guy that only wanted back the antiquities they stole from him. I think what Aquaman meant to say was that Dan Jurgens needs them or else he isn't going to be getting much of a paycheck from DC.

Four more pages in and the Seagull Count has increased by about 34 more!

Ya'wara and Sayeh head to Tehran where the number one concern is that Ya'wara not go outside because she's practically naked and she'll inadvertently give all the Iranian men boners and then they'll have to stone her for being a vile temptress. Unless the main concern with her roaming the streets is that she's wearing two big daggers on her hips.

A lot of other boring stuff happens and there are more seagulls. And then something less boring happens! Unless it's more boring? I can't tell. Anyway, it's different.

Dan Jurgens was only allowed access to the most boring and inconsequential villains of the DC Universe.

KGBeast isn't alone. He's working with a woman in green. She's probably The Leprechaun and her main concern is a united, peaceful, powerful Ireland. They're probably in a group with other Nation-themed villains called The United Nations of Pain! KGBeast tosses iSpy off of the roof of a building because a comic book hasn't ended with the hero falling to their inevitable deaths in over a month! Mostly due to the Futures End issues not having cliffhangers.

Aquaman and the Others #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is so fucking boring I might actually stop reading one of DC's New 52 soon.

Deadshot #1

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