Justice League 3000 #15

Stupid lying comic book covers being honest about how they constantly lie.

This issue begins with Etrigan rhyming "fire" and "pyre." Again! He needs to work on his poetry. The reason he's making that rhyme isn't because he's spitting "hellfire" at somebody. It's because he's summoned Beatriz da Costa to his throne.

Is that where Giffen and DeMatteis got the idea of sending Fire to Hell? Because her name is Beatriz?

Fire's current assignment is to take over Ice's castle because it has strategic military value for some reason. I'm sure it's not because its location would give Hell's Army a good supply line, or a place nearby Camelot where the troops can marshal. It probably sits upon some kind of magic and/or scientific doohickey that will give whoever claims it a tenfold increase in killing power. Or maybe Etrigan just loves penguins. The fucking castle is riddled with them.

I really hate how Giffen and DeMatteis have a habit of finishing a conversation between two characters in a Narration Box over the next scene on the subsequent page.

Some stuff happens where the Justice League International 3000 bicker but none of that is important. The important part of this story is the part where Bea and Tora come face to face again after 1000 years. Fire will probably melt Ice's cold heart so that Ice remembers how much she loves Fire. And Ice will probably cool Fire down so Fire loses her anger and resentment and remembers how much she loves Ice! Then they'll embrace and probably cause some kind of explosion or something.

But even that part isn't as important as I made it out to be in that last paragraph! The important part of the story is finding out the mystery of Camelot Nine! Why has it attracted Etrigan and Ice and other characters from the Preboot Universe? Is it yet another Earth that Mega-Brainiac misplaced on his travel across the multi-multiverse?

Some more stuff happens where demons and men battle in front of Ice's castle. Also more bickering happens because Giffen and DeMatteis are writing this book. But then Ice freezes the armies where they stand and ends the battle! Which can only mean on thing! Fire will arrive soon to kiss her! I mean argue with her! I mean make up with her! Pillow fight, maybe?

Fire looks pretty hot with her JRPG sword and her outfit that doesn't burn up when she transforms.

At one point during the battle, Wonder Woman 3000 calls Teri her friend and Teri says, "Wait. Did you just call me your friend?" And Wonder Woman 3000's response is "Um...no." Why? Why is she so ashamed to admit she's found some kind of connection with Teri? Does it make her seem weak? Is she worried somebody might misconstrue the friendship between two women as being all about the scissoring? You know, like I would? One of the constant themes in Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League comic books has been friendship. It's what this entire conflict between Ice and Fire is leading up to. How could two people who loved and cared about each other for so long suddenly find themselves at odds with one another? Will hugs be enough to repair their relationship? And what's going on with the Super Buddies, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold? I suppose they don't like to admit they're friends with each other either.

Is that the secret for having a best friend? You have to be a total asshole to them while they're a total dick to you but you still want to hang out together all the time? No wonder Doom Bunny and I have been friends for so long. We found the secret to friendship years ago! I'd never admit that I actually like the stupid idiot!

See? Hugs win the battle! Although they admit they love each other so how can they really be best friends? I bet they're all about the scissoring.

Now can we learn the secret of Camelot Nine?! Before this series ends forever? I mean, kind of ends forever. I know it's really just continuing under a slightly different title.

Meanwhile the comic book ends with the Injustice League having taken over Justice League Castle by defeating Ariel Masters. And the "Next Month" blurb says to be back in 30 days for "Rebirth." So I guess this comic book gets to keep going during Convergence? Or are they going to slip another issue of this thing in right under the wire on April 1st? Whatever! I just hope the next issue has a lot more scissoring than this one had.

Justice League 3000 #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm a sucker for friends reuniting! Especially when they're two women and they hug and I get to think about boobs squashing up against each other. Is that awkward when women hug or just normal because, you know, it's just bodies hugging and making friendly contact? Guys don't think of it as normal, I can assure you! We only hug women to get creepy boob contact. Also, when I hug my guy friends, I always try to shove my balls up against their balls. It's not really anywhere near the same thing but I thought I'd just mention it in case I ever meet any guys who read this blog who might be thinking about hugging me.

Justice League 3000 #14

I bet the next cover has Fire in a mirror image pose!

Some people think you can't be socially conscious while simultaneously having fun. To that, I say, "What is social consciousness?"

I just made up those "some people." It's a trick other people whom I've made up use to manipulate still more made up people into thinking that there is a debate that doesn't really exist. But the existence of the debate helps convince the still more made up people that they had better start acting or else the world is going to get really fucked up or something. I think it's called a scarecrow or something.

I make stuff up all the time to suit my purposes. It's easy to do and nobody on the internet knows about checking facts. Well, they sort of know about it. But they always suspect that somebody with more time has already done the fact checking and that they wouldn't have heard the thing they're hearing unless it were already true because why would people pass on false knowledge?

People not on the internet also don't know how to check facts. It's just that they don't see as many fake facts in the same amount of time. Oh, to be sure, the percentage of incorrect facts non-internet users hear is probably higher but they just aren't bombarded with as many. Especially if they've taken a shotgun and blown out the tube on their television. I'm assuming that if they aren't on the internet, they still own an old fashioned television. And a shotgun.

As some of you may have noticed already, I'm rambling and Howard Porter isn't doing the art for this issue of Justice League 3000. That's too bad because I like his style. And his mustache.

Last issue, the Justice League 3000 were reunited with Preboot Ice (as much as you can call it a reunion since the Justice League 3000 are kind of zombie reanimated clone type things of the originals). This issue, everybody wants to know what Ice has been up to for one thousand years. And Etrigan was summoning Fire (probably the Preboot version as well) to join the fun. And Preboot Blue Beetle and Preboot Booster Gold were also out there somewhere. So it looks like fairly soon (probably June?), Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis will once again be writing Justice League International. Except in the future. I wonder if they're going to dig up the Dibnys? And Oberon! And L-Ron!

That's Oberon! They remember Oberon!

So according to Ariel's knowledge, this future is definitely a New 52 version of the future. But the DNA they're using for the Justice League 3000 must have been lost out of Mega-Braniac's Multiversal Collection. And that would explain how Takron-Galtos can be so far away from where Earth-Main-Earth was located! Because it's the Preboot Earth that Mega-Brainiac probably left on the top of his spaceship as he was loading it up and then flew off with it still up there! So it tumbled off way out on the edge of nowhere where Cadmus discovered a DNA bank of super heroes that never belonged in this universe.

Knowing Giffen and DeMatties, my supposition is actually probable!

Ariel asks Ice to clear up the last thousand years of history because obviously she must have been paying attention to all of it. I bet the focus of her story is how she and Bea had a falling out over one of those stupid things friends sometimes have fallings out over. And then they just stopped talking and lost contact with each other and Ice went to sit in an ice castle while Fire went to Hell.

But before Ice can clear up all of this wacky doodle nonsense, we need to see how Booster and Beetle are doing.

Looks like they're having one of those fine messes they enjoy so much.

Ice tells one of the Super Buddies adventures from "I Can't Believe It's Not The Justice League." You know the one. The one where they wind up in Hell (through no fault of Booster Gold's at all! Except the part that was totally his fault) and realize their good friend Ice has been there burning away for years! So for everybody keeping score, Stephanie Brown and Cassandra Cain's lives are not canon but the Super Buddies are. Seems fair to me!

Ice was not rescued that time but later Fire came back and traded her life for Ice's freedom. After many fruitless attempts to rescue Fire from Hell, Ice gave up on everything and locked herself away in a stasis pod. She was only awakened by The Great Disaster which apparently destroyed much of Earth. That was probably The Flash's fault for trying to change time and save his mom. Again.

One of her adventures with Kamandi after waking up from stasis. This looks like it was probably only a two issue Kamandi story.

I wonder if after April and May's big Convertible Event, DC Comics will just let The New 52 remain at the five years in the future of Futures End timeline and just back fill the five previous years with Preboot history? That would allow them to do a kind of soft merge of the universes. And then all of this shit about Booster and Beetle and the Justice League International and the Super Buddies which all happened in Preboot history could have happened during the five years prior to Futures End? It's messy but who the fuck cares? DC's Reboots are always messy in some way they hadn't thought of when they rush into fixing things.

Ice has some other adventures where she defeats the Atomic Knights because they're dicks. Then she escapes Earth in a space ark with a bunch of talking animals and left them on another planet while she headed to Camelot Nine. Her animal planet is probably where Captain Carrot and his crew live. And then after seemingly finding peace, Etrigan came to visit. For some reason she wasn't happy about it. Come on, Ice! It's Etrigan! How can two of my favorite characters not be friends?!

See? Fire learned to love him! You should too, Ice!

I think my infatuation with Ice Maiden was what led me to sympathize and really like Guy Gardner. If Tora saw something worthy of love in him, I knew I could accept him as well. Or maybe I just like guys who can take a punch from Batman. Okay, he was knocked out immediately and completely changed personalities. But his jaw didn't break! That's more than most people can say, right?

Meanwhile, Fire never once appears in this comic book (except in flashbacks) even though she was kind of promised at the end of last issue. Liars! Bastards! But Etrigan has another recognizable old friend at his side who's revealed on the final page.

Yes! Out of all the DC Characters across all time, Etrigan was the one to defeat Darkseid! That's my boy!

Justice League 3000 #14 Rating: +2 Ranking. See? This comic book shows that DC is finally slackening up on their whole continuity is king thing. Because it doesn't make any kind of sense at all with Etrigan in space and characters from the Preboot Era and Darkseid's head in a jar and the Super Buddies being mentioned in The New 52 and Superman being a total douchebag and Wonder Woman being a bloodthirsty cockgobbler and the Legion of Super-heroes not existing and Kid Flash and Solstice nowhere to be found on Takron-Galtos! I don't mind continuity but not when everything else is a slave to it. I like continuity where I can read a comic book like this and even if it doesn't make any sense in any kind of timeline, it makes sense to me as a fan of the characters. Etrigan in space? Cool because it's Etrigan. Maybe a bit different from Cornell's Etrigan who was different from Grant's Etrigan who was different from Wagner's Etrigan who was different from Kirby's Etrigan and so on and so forth. But essentially, I understand him and his motivations. I understand what makes him tick. It doesn't matter if he never interacted with a Pillow version of Uncle Harry. Or if he ever had a relationship with Madame Xanadu. Or if he ever possessed some squatter in London which he seemed to have done in Stormwatch but now that seems to not have happened in Batwoman. See? Even from writer to writer and within the same "universe," stories are lost and retconned and expanded upon and simply discarded when they aren't needed anymore. Between crises and reboots and cancellations and differing writers, characters go through a lot. At times, as fans, we find we have to abandon them, like when Nocenti was writing Catwoman. But they'll always, eventually, come back to a place where we can love them again (mostly due to a good writer at their back, no matter which universe they're in). I want more stories that are fun and carefree, and less stories that are dark and hamstrung by continuity. I have high hopes for the June Mini-Relaunch.

Justice League 3000 #13

Let me guess. Wacky doodle silliness ensues?

This year, I'm going to do an art show featuring comic book covers re-imagined in crayon. Although they might be too good for this town. I've seen the kind of art that gets hung in Portland coffee shops and cafes. Most of the local establishments must have pretty big holes in their walls, or large, disgusting stains they desperately need covered up. Why else would they make their customers look at those wretched paintings? Does anybody else get the feeling that people who appreciate art aren't always being entirely honest with their own feelings? Like somehow they're actually just trying to impress the other people in the room rather than being true to their own likes and dislikes?

I've had a decent (sometimes a bit better than decent!) web presence for fifteen years now and I've never really attempted to make money on it. It may be because the projects I work on find only niche audiences. Or perhaps it's because Mrs. McFarland was right and I really don't feel good about myself. I did try to set up advertising on my Blogger half of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea but Google deemed my site too offensive. Because who wants to advertise to adults, amirite?! Fuck you, Google. Fuck you in the asshole and the cunt and the cock and the other adult body parts! I don't need advertising mucking up my site! Unless it's advertising for my own line of products! Would it be illegal to ship a face cream composed primarily of Peach Jam and semen?

I am now officially dubbing 2015 "The Year That I Make Enough Money Per Month, Via The Internet, To At Least Fucking Pay For The Comic Books I Buy (Unless I Continue To Let Laziness and Apathy Win Out Over Survival and Ambition)!"

And here is my first attempt to make some money: The Art of Tacoman and Them Others!

Currently in Justice League 3000, Booster Gold is being eaten by futuristic mutated rats while Blue Beetle battles a heavier version of himself. It's possible they're inside some kind of future therapy machine and simply working through some of their emotional issues.

So it was kind of like psychotherapy.

Meanwhile on Camelot Nine, Lois Lane stalks the Justice League 3000 just like she stalked everybody and everything in her previous life as a Scoop Finder. She's going to discover all of their secrets and bring them down in an embarrassing public relations nightmare! But first she'll have to invent blogging on Camelot Nine so she can get The Fast Lane back up and running. Maybe they have some kind of magical ethernet thing to replace the technological one. She'll just whisper her stories into a unicorn's ear and everybody will hear them.

To help with the war against Etrigan 3000, Wonder Woman 3000 sends Flash 3000 into a frozen castle to see if Ice 3000 will join their team. Unless Ice 3000 turns out to be The Snow Queen and then sexy times will probably ensue! And I think it might be The Snow Queen version because Clark gets super jealous.

He needs to practice leaping buildings in a single bound.

Teri meets Ice 3000 and begins mentioning names she finds familiar. Then Ice 3000 meets Superman 3000 who isn't quite as peaceful as the Superman she remembers. So he has to become a popsicle. Then Wonder Woman 3000 barges in boasting and bragging because she obviously forgot how to hug during the resurrection process.

So if it wasn't clear after the discovery of Booster and Beetle, this is definitely a Preboot Future. That's probably why the others are having so much trouble with their memories because they aren't allowed to remember Preboot history. Yet.

Etrigan is busy spying on the reunion and puts together some fairly decent poetry.

I knew Beatrice was going to go to hell, the slattern!

Justice League 3000 #13 Rating: No change. This book is just chugging along at about the same level of entertainment each month. If you currently like it, you'll still probably like it. If you can't stand it, you still won't be able to stand it. If you love Howard Porter's art, you'll still love Howard Porter's art. If you hated the Justice League International, you'll still hate the Justice League International. If you got the drift of my first sentence, you'll get the drift of this last sentence.

Justice League 3000 #12

How the hell did this book not get canceled in the recent wave of cancellations?

Not that I want this book to be canceled! It's fairly entertaining and it takes place in the year 3000 so DeMatteis and Giffen can practically do whatever the fuck they want without hurting continuity. I know some people care about that kind of thing.

Last issue, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold were found on Old Earth That Was which is now called Takron-Galtos. They were snuggled up nice and cozy in a queen sized cryogenic container. Now they've got to figure out how they're going to survive in the 31st Century! Hopefully they'll also find a way to change the title on this comic book from Justice League 3000 to Blue and Gold 3000.

This reminds me. Why isn't Oberon hanging out with Mister Miracle over on Earth-2?

Booster and Beetle wander around the prison planet unescorted because they've never been known to wander into crazy hijinks before. Although this issue is called "Another Fine Mess," so I think that explicitly states that crazy hijinks are eminent.

Some guy on Takron-Galtos found one of Beetle's suits from when he was overweight and has been wearing it around chasing down no-goodniks on the prison planet. The Convert warns him to stay away from Booster and Beetle because Terri (or Terry?) wants them for study later.

Cameos by Starro, Despero, Frankenstein, and J'onn J'onzz happily munching his oreos.

Are these two just going to go around cracking wise with each other or are they going to get to the bottom of the mystery? You know the mystery? The Mystery of the Preboot Super Buddies Winding Up In The New 52 Future! Maybe the reason they're here is part of The Secret Six's secret!

Meanwhile on Camelot Nine, Wonder Woman gets a centerfold of her hugging demons. And by hugging I mean massacring. It's two sides of the same sword. Kissing. Killing. Practically the same word!

Booster and Beetle find Ted's old stash along with his extra Bug. But it's been upgraded because the pudgy Blue Beetle's father probably found the pudgy Blue Beetle's suit in this hole along with all of this other pudgy Blue Beetle gear.

So far, this is the most exciting thing to happen in fifteen pages!

As they admire Beetle's forged Superman memento, pudgy Blue Beetle attacks!

See? I knew pudgy was the right word!

Beetle and Booster run from Pudgy Blue Beetle because he has Doc Ock claws on his suit and the keys to the overhauled Bug. But they get stopped in their tracks by gigantic mutant rats. And that's where the issue ends except for the Next Issue Blurb.

What could it possibly mean?!

Justice League 3000 #12 Rating: No change. My favorite part of this issue was how Keith and J.M. just completely abandoned any pretense that this comic book was about the future Justice League and just fucked around with Teddy and Mikey (unless he'd rather go by Jonny?) all issue. Not a lot happened and it was the typical goofy back and forth between these two slackers but I think that's all this issue needed to be.

Injustice League 3000 #11

I don't recognize Flash's enemy? Molly Ringwald?

The caption above is assuming the bald guy is Lex Luthor. I suppose the bald guy could also be Mirror Master, and then I don't recognize Superman's enemy! Molly Ringwald?

In honor of Messrs. Giffen and DeMatteis, I am going to recycle my Molly Ringwald "joke" as many times as I can. And it will be funny every fucking time, you hear me?!

Is that L-Ron 3000? And is that Ambush Bug 3000 way off to the left? Or Kick-Ass 3000?

This issue is called "A New Beginning." Just like that version of Little House on the Prairie starring Shannon Doherty! The one alternately remembered as Little House 66676. That's just my guess at the zip code for a Kansas address. I'm not even entirely sure what state Little House on the Prairie took place in! I know when the economy shit all over itself, they all moved up to Mankato which is in Minnesota. Unless it was Wisconsin. One of those cold states with people that talk funny and street urchins can get addicted to heroin and find a loving father figure who always wanted a son of his own but his damn wife failed him every time so that he became exhausted from digging tiny grave after tiny grave.

For some reason (and it might be the because I'm stupid reason), I thought the Convert physically went to Camelot Nine with the rest of the Fatal Five even though he never has to actually show himself. And when he appears in this issue, I still believe he's speaking through a person he's possessed. So it's still possible that Aquaman 3000 is the Convert! That's my Thanksgiving Wish! Do I have to kill a turkey and eviscerate it and yank out its wishbone and then stand over its corpse while giggling and playing a game where me and somebody else fight over one of its bones in the hopes of gaining a wish? Or can I just have the wish without the violence, humiliation, and desecration of a poor animal's corpse?

Hey! Hey! What do you think's going to happen, hunh?! Hunh?!

Now I have Bon Jovi songs stuck in my head for some reason!

Ariel Masters plans to use Camelot Nine as the headquarters for the JL3k Gang. Bruce thinks they need to hire a butler. Darn. I was hoping they'd work out of a van and hire a talking dog.

Superman 3000 and Teri Flash race each other because you always need a good Superman versus The Flash in a footrace every few years. Superman loses because he's out of shape. Does that mean Camelot Nine does not revolve around a yellow sun?! Are his powers running out?! If different colors of Kryptonite do different things to Superman, does he gain different powers depending on the color of the sun he's currently bathed in the light of? That story must have already been written somewhere when I wasn't paying attention.

Oh duh! Of course Superman's enemy is Lois Lane! I guess the marriage eventually hit the rocks. Dan Didio was probably steering the boat.

I'm getting awfully close to the super duper extra exciting last page that was mentioned in the credits on the first page! I'm as excited as Patton Oswalt's depression after two days without medication!

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos (New Old Earth That Was!), a construction crew are excavating the ocean. Are they going to find Aquaman? Mera? A cache of Hostess Fruit Pies?

No, what they find is a cryogenic chamber. That was my joke guess because we all know what's going to be found already anyway because solicits and advanced cover screenings gave it away months ago! They're going to uncover Molly Ringwald.

Oh how sweet! They opted for adjacent graves!

I hate fucking spoilers. If I hadn't known Beetle and Booster were going to come back, I might have just come in my shorts right now with this revelation. As it is, it's just a big fucking yawn. I really do despise the comic book culture of having to know everything months in advance. Not that it's just comic book fans that eat that shit up. Television shows always show the big fucking surprise in any promo of upcoming shows so that the tender headed masses will perk up from chewing their cud and go, "Moo? MOOO! MOOO!" And then they have to watch whatever the commercial made look so exciting. But you know who those fucking commercials fuck over? The regular viewers! The viewers that were going to watch anyway and would have fucking loved to be surprised by the outcome of a show for once in their goddamned lives! I understand that DC needs all eight Booster and Beetle fans to know that they're going to be starring in this book so they'll pirate it on the internet throw their hard earned cash at it. But I'm really disappointed that I couldn't have been surprised by this.

Justice League 3000 #11 Rating: It's a good thing I'm not actively rating comic books this month or I'd give this a big minus simply because it reminded me how much I can't stand having stories ruined for me. It's a good thing books come out with all the chapters included right from the start or else the publishing companies would be advertising shit like, "Don't miss the last chapter of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! You'll never guess what the surgeons finally do to McMurphy! And you won't want to miss how Chief Bromden finally outwits the Combine!"

Justice League 3000 #10

Oh my God! I am so in love with Locus! If love means wanting to slap pee pees. If it means anything else, then I should probably invest in a dictionary.

I've constantly pointed out how my blog is a dinosaur and it probably shouldn't even be on Tumblr since it has so much writing and so very few pictures and pithy quotes. But I must defend what I am doing at all costs! But I can't do it myself because that's just more of my own blathering on top of some of my other blathering. So instead, I've done something I'm not prone to do: research! Therefore, in my defense, I have found a quote that supports the way most people use Tumblr over the way I have been using it!

"One must also remember that of itself the multitude is mentally inert, that it remains attached to its old habits and that it is not naturally prone to read something which does not conform with its own pre-established beliefs when such writing does not contain what the multitude hopes to find there. Therefore, some piece of writing which has a particular tendency is for the most part read only by those who are in sympathy with it. Only a leaflet or a placard, on account of its brevity, can hope to arouse a momentary interest in those whose opinions differ from it. The picture, in all its forms, including the film, has better prospects. Here there is less need of elaborating the appeal to the intelligence. It is sufficient if one be careful to have quite short texts, because many people are more ready to accept a pictorial presentation than to read a long written description. In a much shorter time, at one stroke I might say, people will understand a pictorial presentation of something which it would take them a long and laborious effort of reading to understand."

See? This quote supports the way Tumblr is generally used and shows that I'm doing it all wrong! Which is my defense that I'm doing everything right because this quote is from Adolf Hitler! I think disagreeing with Hitler is all the evidence I need that writing long-winded, rambling texts that don't conform to the beliefs of the masses is the best way to blog!

Unless this is one of those times I should agree with Hitler? Are there ever any of those times ever? Maybe I should condense all of my commentaries to 140 characters and just continue this on Twitter! Or I could learn to do some other impossible things, like fly or breathe underwater! Right?!

Previously in Justice League 3000, The JL3k Gang had escaped the clutches of The Fatal Five. Ariel Masters has taken them to Camelot Nine, a renaissance fair world plagued by Etrigan the Demon (yay! That's the best kind of plague!). But King Arthur doesn't think they should be allowed to stay (boo!).

Here's one of those pictorial presentations that Hitler loved so much.

Instead of helping King Arthur battle Etrigan the Demon and his forces like they should if they want to sell more comic books, the JL3k Gang begin plans setting a trap for the Fatal Five's arrival. Judging by the cover, the trap is not going to work very well.

I hope we get to see Etrigan 3000 before this is over!

Over on Cadmusworld, the Fatal Five ar...when did Cadmus become the big overarching evil organization in the DC Universe? That must be something I missed out on in the 2000s when I wasn't reading anything but Fables and Walking Dead. Was Maxwell Lord running Cadmus when he shot Blue Beetle in the face? I suppose he was if he was involved in all of the Brother Eye and OMAC shenanigans that somebody high up at DC (Dan Didio?) must have decided were the best bad guys ever invented because they just won't go away. Even after everything has been rebooted, Cadmus gets to remain the ultimate evil organization. I guess DC did try to make the Daemonites the big mystery bad guys of the New 52 but that didn't take very well. I'm sure they'll have a part to play in Futures End at some point though.

The JL3k Gang set the trap in some old ruins on Camelot Nine.

What could it be?! What is the secret of the super powerful ruins?! Is it a Monitor Space Station?!

Over on Cadmusworld, The Fatal Five forget that being evil means your arrogance and pride will lead to disaster. So Terry says, "Fuck caution in the ass and fling our semen in the wind! Let's go kill those meddling kids!" Then they step into the teleport and into the best page ever in this comic book.

Etrigan wears stupid shoes.

Too bad that's the only page with Etrigan 3000. He doesn't get to defeat the Fatal Five. He doesn't even get to bite off a nice, attractive hunk of one of them. The Fatal Five simply emerge, in a few panels, beside the JL3k Gang and begin the fight. So while it was a nice moment to get to see Etrigan 3000, it really didn't do much for the plot.

The fight between The Fatal Five and the JL3k Gang lasts much longer than the single panel of Locus wishing them out of existence that it should last. I'm starting to think Locus might not have allocated many stat points to her intelligence. But that's okay! She doesn't need high smarts when her adorably sexy cuteness is off the charts. I've never claimed to be deep or profound!

The entire team takes out Kali while The Fatal Four Others stand around clearing their heads from the exploding transversal and from whatever it is Etrigan and his demons did to them (I hate to be the one to bring this up but it was probably rape after evisceration. They are demons, after all. And what kind of place would Hell be if nobody were allowed to mention rape? I bet Hell is just rape jokes, 24/7. Oh, and rape! And evisceration!). After that, Batman knocks out The Convert because The Convert is an idiot that forgot that thing I mentioned about arrogance and also that other thing I failed to mention which was overconfidence.

Green Lantern defeats Locus because he's a jerk and she's, well...she's a bit stupid. I suppose when you have somebody with the power to change reality, they have to be a lot dumb or they'd never be defeated.

Oh, and then Wonder Woman and Superman really defeat Kali because I don't know how to read comic books.

After that, the only two members of The Fatal Five left are the useless ones, Terry and Coeval. Okay, maybe Coeval isn't entirely useless. But he's definitely not going to perform on a backwater planet like Camelot Nine that has no technology. Except maybe the Monitor Satellite Ruins they're fighting on.

More Etrigan! Because Giffen and DeMatteis are creatures of the Preboot Universe. And also maybe a little bit of the Pre-Crisis era too!

Justice League 3000 #10 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Etrigan appeared on panel. I'm the easiest date ever.

Justice League 3000 #9

Can you believe it? Giffen and DeMatteis had a comic book last longer than eight issues!

Every time somebody says the word "daybreak," I hear "date rape." And I don't like to constantly hear about date rape. So I think people should stop using the word "daybreak." I know it's all in my head but if somebody accidentally steps on my toes, they should stop doing that because it hurts. I'm just trying to live my life without having to hear the phrase "date rape." I don't think it's too much to ask that other people make all of the effort on this. I try not to hear "date rape" but I do. Every time! So there's nothing left for it but for everybody to drop the word "daybreak" from their vocabulary. In fact, I'd like people to say "the D-Mishear" whenever they would normally say "daybreak." And I don't want to hear from anybody that says they never hear "date rape" when somebody says "daybreak" because this isn't about you. Check your privilege.

Meanwhile in the comic book, Batman has some expository dialogue to get through.

Yep, yep. That's how things were left at the end of last issue.

This issue, the plan is all about running away as fast and as far as possible. It's a sensible plan, really! The JL3k Gang are full of micro-explosives that can be detonated remotely, so that sucks. Also sucking, Locus, one of their enemies, can wish anything into (or out of!) existence. She's a genie of sorts and she's in love with an astronaut: Hal Jordan. Wait, he was just a test pilot, wasn't he? I bet he never made the cut for astronaut training because he always failed the written tests. Are there written tests to become an astronaut? I think there are written tests for every career. Even prostitution.

While Hal remains behind on Cadmusworld to delay Locus, the rest of the team make their unwilling escape. I mean, they want to escape! But they don't want to do it without Hal. But Hal forces them through the teleport with a big green hand construct. Now all he has to do is distract Locus by fucking her, and everything should be swell.

Why isn't he fucking her?! Idiot!

Instead of enjoying a nice, romantic evening slapping pee pees with Locus, Green Lantern spins her into unconsciousness and makes his escape. He could have spun her into unconsciousness on his pee-pee but he uses his magic cape instead. What is wrong with him? She might be crazy cuckoo but she's crazy sexy too! As Green Lantern leaves, Superman arrives to help Teri, the new Flash.

Why does "romance" have "man" in it. That's disgusting. From now on, it should be rowomance. No wait! Woman has man in it too, so that doesn't work. Maybe it should be rogrrlance. Is that a little too catchy? Yeah, probably. Forget I said anything.

Teri the Flash's story might be ten pages long but this is probably all you need to know about her mission.

The different panel sizes is really annoying.

Superman comes back to get Teri the Flash off-world and the issue ends.

Justice League 3000 Rating: No change. Next issue says "final" in it as if it's the final issue although it might actually be just the final battle between the JL3k Gang and the Fatal Five. It's hard to believe that a Giffen/DeMatteis series has lasted so long! Two issues past normal cancellation. What is the world coming to?

Justice League 3000 #8

The Flash must be done dying indiscriminately now that he's in the body of Teri. Unless it's Terry.

The JL3k Gang have returned to Cadmusworld where DNA meets other DNA to form different DNA! Just like what happens in uteruses all over the universe! Unless that happens in fallopian tubes all over the universe! It probably happens more often just spread out in large bodies of water where sentient creatures swim and gather it in their mouth to spit on their friends who splashed a whole bunch of DNA in their faces mere moments before. Sometimes DNA doesn't even need other DNA to form different DNA! Although that makes it harder to form different DNA when you only have the one DNA to start with. At that point, you're just praying for a mutation that will make your child cooler than you were in hydra junior high. Although I guess if you reproduce asexually, there's practically no reason to be cool! Or good looking! Or ambitious! Or to have a great looking car! Or to wear low cut shirts and high cut skirts! Or to not play Dungeons & Dragons!

It turns out Firestorm 3000 did betray the JL3k Gang last issue except nobody realized it because Terry's betrayal was a bit more in your face what with killing The Flash and his own sister. Firestorm 3000 simply agreed to become a freelance super hero working for The Fatal Five when they need somebody that can transmute one non-organic thing into some other non-organic thing. Oh, and Locus is busy doing something else so she can't be bothered. The rest of the JL3k Gang act surprised because they're all idiots.

Who calls you weapons? The Justice League? And why would they? I already hate the New Teen Titans!

Unless Ariel Masters works with Terry the Evil Wonder Twin, he threatens to kill the Justice League and resurrect them and kill them and resurrect them over and over again until she gives in. She gives in immediately which seems like a dumb idea to me. It can't be cheap resurrecting super heroes! Maybe she can bankrupt Cadmusworld by not giving in! Although she probably doesn't want to be responsible for all of the innocent people used in the resurrection process. Maybe pretending to give in is the best choice for now. Although she might as well kick him in the balls at least once. It's not like he's going to kill her for acting out.

Locus and Convert check out the Cadmusworld DNA vaults where they keep the DNA of nearly every super hero that ever lived. Hopefully they have a sample of Ambush Bug's DNA. This would be the perfect comic book for his first appearance! But right now, Locus is only interested in one batch of ancient jizz.

Hal Jordan is so lucky. Le sigh.

Did you know that when people say "DNA," they don't always mean "semen"? They just mean like skin cells and hair and stuff! I always thought when they were swabbing a person's mouth for DNA, it was because they were collecting leftover semen from the party the night before! I hope most people don't equate DNA with semen. That way when I tell them I always leave DNA in every room I'm in, they don't realize what I really mean.

Currently, the JL3k Gang aren't thinking about semen but escape. I'm going to create an App called "Semen Butt Escape." If this were thirty years ago, it would be the name of my Punk Rock band. But times change! Remember how everybody used to think DNA meant semen?

That's not a big sword! It might be considered wide or fat but definitely not big. I already hate the new Suicide Squad.

Green Lantern's powers are beginning to act a lot like Locus's powers. Is it possible she loved him so much that she changed reality so that his Green Lantern powers are more like hers? Whatever is going on, Green Lantern is acting a lot more like Hal Jordan than any of the other JL3k Gang are acting like their non-super hero identity counterparts. He's got a can do attitude and wearing a save the day smile! Hal thinks his powers are simply enhanced by future technology. He's probably wrong. Hal might be good at beating stuff up to save the day but he's not very good at actually dissecting a problem and figuring out what's actually going on. Why should he when he can usually win the day through brute force and sheer willpower?

But that's why Hal needs the Justice League! So they can figure out the more complex problems. Well, that's why Hal needs...hmm, you know what? I can't think of one of the Justice League that doesn't constantly rely on excessive force from battle to battle. Sometimes Wonder Woman uses hugs but I don't think that's going to work this time. And Batman uses subterfuge but that's generally to just get him close enough to use excessive force. So now the JL3k Gang are using subterfuge because Hal has freed them from constant surveillance. Now they just need to get close enough to the Fatal Five to play their excessive force card! But they'll have to do it quick, so they need a new Flash! Luckily, they now have one.

This Flash is much better than the Barry Flash.

Justice League 3000 #8 Rating: No change. Now that Ariel Masters can mix and match DNA, the JL3k Gang needs to kill Locus so they can incorporate her semen into themselves and they'll all have reality changing powers! That's how it works, right? Who wants to waste their time with lame powers like super speed and super strength and super brooding when you can have Make A Wish powers! Just imagine! You can create and eat all the candy and pudding you want and never have to get so fat that you can't leave your house! Not that you'd have any reason to leave your house if you had Make A Wish powers. I would wish to be immortal and eternally young and invulnerable and eternally healthy and sometimes I'd wish I were a woman and sometimes I'd wish I were a man and sometimes I'd wish I were a cat! Although if I wished I were a cat, I'd probably forget that I had Make A Wish powers because look! A string! It must die!

Justice League 3000 #7

Who could they possibly be betrayed by?! Firestorm 3000 is the only one not on the cover! Or maybe it will be Aquaman 3000!

I answered the phone earlier and said, "Hello?" But there was no answer for a few seconds and you could hear the background noise of a call center. Then the person that called me said, "Hello?" But I already said hello. It's not my fucking job to assure you that I'm on the phone after you called me and I already said, "Hello?" So I just sat there silently until they hung up. Fuck you, motherfuckers. If you're going to call me about something, be fucking prepared for me to answer! Assholes.

This issue begins with Locus and Convert having a conversation. Locus looks as adorable as ever. Convert looks like a yellow guy in a religious hat for the Eastern Orthodox Church. I don't know if that's the real Convert or just a person that the Convert has currently converted. Hopefully it's not the real Convert because I'm still holding out hope that the Convert is Aquaman 3000.

Wonder Woman 3000's nose looks like a wart.

As Kali and The Convert amass an army to recapture Justice League 3000, I notice the army looks a lot like The Convert! That's a good sign! Because the army is the Convert as well. I bet The Convert is sitting in a huge fishbowl somewhere fingering an octopus as he dreams of universal conquest.

JL3k finally escape from the Fatal Five although I don't know what good it's going to do them. I forget what they're supposed to be doing. Saving the universe? And aren't they saving it from the Fatal Five? So shouldn't they be back down on that planet fighting them? Shouldn't somebody have killed Locus? How can you let something that powerful live if you intend to protect the universe from her? I don't think an antiquated belief in nonlethal justice can be relied on to keep the universe safe from a person whose thoughts become reality and whose reality becomes super reality.

Somebody on Cadmusworld (the shadow from the cover) contacts the Fatal Five because he's a mole for the bad guys! Or she is! The hair is crazy enough to be either of the Wonder Twins. But that seems too obvious which is why I guessed it was Aquaman 3000 when I looked at the cover and thought, "Isn't that shadow one of the Wonder Twins?"

Just as a refresher for my present and future self, I will list the Fatal Five, or at least the ones I remember. 1. Locus. 2. Convert. 3. Coeval. 4. Kali. 5. Umm. The Persuader? It must be the Persuader, right? I think I remember the fifth being the Persuader. And the Persuader must be the one that has infiltrated Cadmusworld.

See? I had a point! Superman 3000 agrees with me! Us arrogant assholes need to stick together!

It doesn't take long for Terri to out himself as the traitor when he snaps Terry's neck and blows off The Flash's head. That seems a bit much for a villainous debut but I have to give him credit for showmanship. Terry also points out that the Justice League and everybody working for Cadmus are filled with explosive nanocites because nanocites are overused bullshit. But only JL3k have to worry about exploding because Coeval immediately blows up everybody else. Which seems like a stupid move since the hostages were the only thing forcing the JL3k and Ariel Masters to surrender themselves. JL3k don't care if they die again!

Coeval might also be Terry's downloaded personality or something. It's hard to know for sure because this is the third comic book I've written about today and I'm really anxious to go do other things now. Like swim with dolphins and eat an entire pizza by myself.

Justice League 3000 #7 Rating: No change. I'm not so thrilled with the nanocites but I still like a DC story that isn't hamstrung by continuity. Some other good points: Howard Porter's art is nice to look at and The Flash's head exploded. Some other bad points: I feel nothing for this comic book or its characters and writing about it feels like a passionless bout of sex with a person I was never actually attracted to in the first place but kept dating because I had nothing else to do with my time.

Justice League 3000 #6

Inna future, Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis write all of da comic books because dey write the best knock knock jokes!

Knock knock!
Knock knock?
Knock knock!
Oh! Who dere?
Knock knock!
WHO DERE?!
Da mailman!
Is dere pizza?
Pizza who?

Inna future, comic books has no words because they are projected right into our brains!

Inna future, da Earth was taken over by da monkeys! But dey cibilization cowwapsed because dey couldn't get not thing done because evverbudy was always pointing at dem and saying, "Wook at da cwute monkey!" So den Earth became a prison planet and evverbudy stopped pointing and shut up so they wud not get shivered in the showers.

Inna future, dere is no crime because der is no things to steal! You can't steal informations! Oh yeahs! Inna future, everyting is informations!

Inna future, alls we has is funs!

Inna future, da Jussus Leeg has ta fight da living compooter named Coeval! All of da bad guys, inna future, are compooters. None of us babies can commit crime because we don't not ever leave da big baby room! We don'ts needs ta ever leave because we just tink da thing and the thing happens. If we needs to poopsies, we tink, "I needs ta poopsies!" And den da compooter teleports da poopsies out of our stomachs and into Phoenix because Phoenix is where we keep all of our poopsies now. Inna future, nobody is souprised by this cause even in da past, Phoenix was full of poopsies. Inna future, we calls da racists poopsies!

Inna future, dere are no racists! Except for dat one compooter. But nobody likes dat compooter because he is a dick.

Dis is jus like da future! How dey know? Nobody nevered visited Keef Kitten and Jim Dematties by transportal televisions!

Inna future, ours parents is a lot like Coeval! Day has no hearts because dey are compooter programs! Inna future, we have no smarts phones because we practically are smarts phones! One days inna past, a science man thought, "Whys we gottsa always be touching scweens ta get da infomations dat we never learned at da schoolings and never was curious ta learns on our ownsies because wes were too busy tryings ta be famous on da Murica's Top Idols? Touching scweens takes too long!" So da scientist man mades us all inta smart phones so we never had ta know nothing ever. We jus go, "Hewwo, fwiend!" And our fwiend goes, "Hewwo!" And den we says, "Did you hear da word 'servile'? I wonder what dat means?!" And den we both go, "Oh! Dat's what it means!" Because remember inna future, you juss tink stuff and den you know it!

Inna future, nobodys heart does go on and on because dere is no need for love. Da compooters makes all of da babies in da matter rematterer. It is located in Phoenix. But sometimes we still gets crushes ons each other. But inna future, we all looks alike so sometimes we gets crushes on mirrors.

Inna future, nobwody looks like Locus! Looking at her makes me hungry for yoguht!

Inna Jussus Leeg 300000, da Jussus Leeg have been taken to a virtual space so dat Coeval can talk to dem directly. Inna future, dere is no difference between reality and virtual reality. Inna future, da Matrix is a comedy. Why do they care what level of reality is real? If you can't never tell, you juss stop worryings about it. Are wes all in a compooter simulation? Inna future, nobody philosophizes because what ifs are only relevant in Knock Knock jokes. Inna future, if dere is anudder reality underneath da big baby compooter room, why does it matter? Inna future, we has everyting we needs in da big baby compooter room! Inna future, somebody sometimes says, "But don'ts we wants to know the troof?" And den everabuddy laughs and laughs and farts and laughs. Inna future, dat is always a good Knock Knock Joke.

Inna future, sometimes a compooter makes a gwammatical mistake. But since we get all our information from da compooters, it isn't a mistake. If a compooter says "a opportunity" enough times, den dats what it becomes! And we dun never knowed the difference because we gets all our information from da compooters!

Inna future, da Flash doesn't make any speed punses! Cadmusworld must not be very good at recreating peoples. Inna future, wes are all jus clones of da same peoples because individual genes don't matter. Inna future, wes all knows the same stuff because we knows nothing but we has access to everyting! But wes don't need to know it all the times so we just tell Knock Knock Jokes and eats da yoguhts until we needs ta know someting. Den, inna future, we's jus says, "Compooter? What's da squared roots of Huckleberry Finn?" And da compooter tells us and den we tells our friends and pretends like we'd knowed the answer the whole time. Inna future, we are all very impressed by each other.

Inna future, Gween Lantern isn't dead at all! He's been faking it. Inna future, nobody dies. At least we don't tink nobody dies. Inna future, it's hard to tell because we all looks alike and nobody can count very high. But inna Jussus Leeg, Gween Lantern is going to rescue the other Jussus Leeg members because he's not dead and not a piece of jewelry either! So he bweaks the Jussus Leeg out of Virtual Reality Jail and saves da day! Or at least creates the morning that will allow the Jussus Leeg to save the rest of the day. Inna future, we has no morning! Aldough all wes eat is breakfast foods wit yoguht. So maybe all the day is the morning part of day!

Jussus Leeg 300000 #6 Rating: Inna future, we don't never rate anything as better or worse than anything else. Everyting jus is da ting dat it is and dat's dat!

Justice League 3000 #5

Did Firestorm take the death of two volunteers to resurrect?

As I type this, it is one hour away from my comic book store opening on New Comic Book Wednesday. The only other comic books left in my stack to read are two issues of Worlds' Finest which I'm saving to read until Batman Loves Superman #9 comes out. If you don't know why, I won't bore you with another of DC's major fuck ups.

This issue begins slightly differently than last issue ended. Don't worry, it's all explained by the characters.

I have a better explanation. Firestorm gets his powers from the Slash Fiction Matrix. So when he was first resurrected, he was immediately confronted with Barry Allen's tight, naked ass. He was very excited to enter the fight with naked Barry. But then Firestorm jizzed in his pants and the desire to kiss and cuddle Barry left him immediately and now he just wants to watch some television.

The cover of this issue still says Howard Porter but by the end of the first page, I found myself thinking, "Did Howard Porter have a stroke?" Don't worry, Howard Porter fans! This issue simply has a couple of guest artists: Raymund Bermudez and Wayne Faucher. They draw Terry and Teri horribly. I hope they try harder when they draw my sweetheart Locus!

Last issue I figured Batman would request to never be resurrected if he happened to die since it would cost another volunteer their life. This issue, Barry makes that request first! But not for any ethical or philosophical reasons. No, he just doesn't want to hear The Wonder Twins argue with each other anymore.

Meanwhile on Monkey Prison Planet Earth, the JL3k Gang and their Scientist Mother are busy running from every inmate on the planet. The Convert (who is probably Aquaman 3000!) has possessed them all. Now they want to do that stereotypical thing that inmates love to do to fresh fish. That thing that people like to make jokes about but it isn't funny at all. You know what I'm talking about! Shake hands and welcome them to hell!

Don't forget he probably also has vestiges of the personality that inhabited the body before it was injected in the ass with Batman's DNA. Oh wait! That's what inmates like to do to Fresh Fish!

In another part of Earth That Was, Superman and Wonder Woman are fighting with the Goddess Kali. She asks Wonder Woman to join The Five and take over the universe because Kali is horrible at math. Wonder Woman refuses because she thinks the Hindu Pantheon is beneath her. Maybe. Okay fine. I just made that up. She actually acts offended for the Hindu Gods that this person took the name Kali. Lay off, Wonder Woman. You don't have to be offended for other people just to seem righteous and intelligent.

The battle with Kali takes a back seat to Superman and Wonder Woman flirting. Unless it isn't flirting at all. It could be sexual harassment. But I wouldn't know since I usually just crack jokes at the bad eighties hair and clothing instead of paying attention to the corporate message whenever I've been sexually forced to watch a Sexual Harassment Video by Human Resources.

The Five have a huge tactical problem. The Convert controls people to use for his own devices. But Kali sucks the life force out of people to use for her own devices. So sending these two to battle side by side kind of forces one of them out of the action, doesn't it? I think they need to bring in a sixth with a degree in Tacticsology.

Even old New New York was once New York. Why they changed it, I think I can say. Because apes took over the planet and destroyed it and made it into a prison planet because they liked it better that way!

The JL3k Gang are almost defeated but The Flash arrives in the nick of time to save them all! You would think because he has super speed that he would have arrived before the nick of time.

Firestorm has also arrived which horrifies Ariel Masters, the brain behind the Justice League Resurrection Program at Cadmus, because he gets his powers from the Slash Fiction Matrix and this comic book is only Teen Rated. So either he's going to be powerless because his main power uses penis on ass action, or he's going to have to wait to save the day until next issue when DC can raise this comic's rating level to XXX Triple Mature Gay Action.

With Firestorm giving her a breather, Wonder Woman has time to come up with a new plan to defeat Kali: The Fastball Special! But before she can worry DC's lawyers, The Flash pulls her and Superman out of the fight. He's brought a method of retreat with him and the JL3k Gang have decided that they've had enough. Plus they should probably turn their attention to rescuing Green Lantern from my sweet Locus.

Firestorm decides to stay behind which is probably a good thing as Ariel explains to the JL3k Gang.

But they don't want to leave behind such a sexy, powerful weapon. I hope he explodes all over their faces.

Stupid Flash does as he's told right before we almost get a decent example of the Slash Fiction Matrix at work!

Then Flash ruins it all by kidnapping him! Jerko!

Barry saves Kali's life only to find that they can't escape the planet because their Transversal (their means of exit) has been possessed by Coeval. So now they're all back to square the beginning square. But at least The Flash and Firestorm are by their sides. And Locus never appeared so her perky cuteness couldn't be ruined by Beermudez and Faucher. I'm not criticizing their art so much as I'm saying Howard Porter knows what he's doing when it comes to drawing adorable. So maybe I am criticizing their art a bit.

Justice League 3000 #5 Rating: No change. This issue had lots of fighting and more fighting with some jokes and other jokes. It also showed Superman 3000 acting a bit human. They all seem to be concerned about the way they were brought back to life. So even though Barry has returned with evidence that the JL3k Gang keep their memories right up to the point they're killed, none of them are going to want to be killed since it would mean the death of another innocent if they were to be brought back to life. I like that they have a means to be resurrected but it is by no means an easy decision. They have to weigh the cost between killing a volunteer for the cause and how many people can be saved by the sacrifice. Perhaps whenever the initial action dies down, they'll be able to sit around a table and discuss the ethics of the situation with Teri and Terry.

And that's it! 10:55 AM! I caught up! I can relax for five whole minutes! Which is probably the amount of time it'll take to upload the scans and fix up the directories. Damn it!