DCeased #6

My favorite time of year is movie poster variant month! But now that I buy so few DC comics, this is the only one I bought. I think.

At the end of the last issue, Superman had become a zombie and turned his undead wrath upon Earth. So I'm not sure why this is an extra-length issue. Won't it just be thirty pages of the Earth burning and everybody screaming and zombified Batman saying, "--tt--"? If Batman and Lex Luthor are dead, who else has the kryptonite needed to stop Superman from destroying the last vestiges of the human race? And why is Ambush Bug never even a part of Elseworlds stories?

Oh, I forgot that I mentioned Damian would probably have the Emergency Back-Up Plan B Superman Containment Option left to him by his dad.

Batman knew that if Green Arrow ever turned evil, he'd just eventually be shot by a cop.

Wonder Woman forges a magic sword from Damian's kryptonite and flies off to stab Superman in the face. I'm sure she'll kill him but then she'll turn. Then who will stop Wonder Woman? She should let Cyborg implant a bomb on her so that if she turns fighting Superman, he can just blow her up before she gets a chance to turn Green Lantern or Firestorm. Somebody has to come up with a way to stop this domino shitshow.

The arks were built before Martian Manhunter attacked. Maybe he was too scared of Firestorm's flaming head to attack immediately. Anyway, a bunch of people begin escaping on the two arks (which hold seven million people each) before Superman has been dealt with. I have a feeling seven million people are about to die screaming.

Poison Ivy chooses to remain on Earth and Harley chooses to remain with Poison Ivy. Then they bang for like ten pages. Or they would if DC liked money.

Bye bye giant penis! You're no longer needed down here!

Aquaman sees your giant penis ship and raises one gigantic vagina.

This is what a vagina looks like, right? Unshaved, obviously.

For the record, Mera has the best ass in the DC Universe. I know most everybody is scoffing and shouting "Dick Grayson!" at me. Some of you remember Supergirl's bum as being the best and, at the time, under Mahmud Asrar's watch, it absolutely was the best ass. But at this point, Mera's ass is canonically the finest ass in the DC Universe. And now I must stop writing about it or I'll need to take a secret break.

I still want to see Green Arrow in a foot race against Batman. Why am I the only one who wants that story?!

While the Atlanteans battle the Amazons (isn't that always the way?), Black Green Canary Lantern, Cyborg, and Wonder Woman battle Superman. Dinah begins by creating a huge bullhorn to amplify her sonic scream and, I mean, come on. Look at how eloquent my turns of phrase are in complimenting that attack! "I mean, come on" is like the biggest compliment I can give a writer for one of their ideas. It's like saying, "I didn't want to use any brain power to come up with a compliment because all of my brain power was being diverted to appreciating your idea." My second biggest compliment is offering to jerk off the writer (I am of the firm belief that the term "jerk off" is non-gendered so don't think I'm just willing to pull some puds. I can bang some fingers too!).

The Amazons remain behind to fight off the Atlanteans while the second ark takes off. To keep the arks safe, Wonder Woman cuts off Superman's arm and stabs him in the chest. But of course Superman punches her in the ovaries and bam! She's now one of them! She gives her magic kryptonite sword to Dinah so Dinah can finish him before he destroys the arks. Cyborg remains behind as penance for starting this entire catastrophe. I always knew he was a terrible character. If only Marv Wolfman would have left him as a brainless toaster back in The New Titans.

As Superman nears the arks, Superboy has to leave to battle him to buy the arks more time. Lois is all, "Yeah, yeah. Hurry up. Save your mom now! So sad! Good luck!" Then she begins thinking up a great first sentence for the article she'll write that will win the first Martian Pulitzer.

As Superboy is knocked out by his dad, the entire Green Lantern Corps finally arrive led by Guy Gardner. Finally! A real hero that can stop this disaster from spreading! I suppose if Guy can't end this catastrophe, the world's last hope will be Lobo.

I love him so much. Mostly because I love me and, I mean, he just defined me in describing himself!

Superman flees into the sun and begins devouring it. I suppose that's something I've always known Superman could do. Sure, his big plan to stop the virus from turning him was to fly into space and asphyxiate. But he can also consume an entire sun. I think maybe Batman was right about living Superman. He just wasn't imaginative enough to ever stop Batman. It took the Anti-Life equation to bring out the best in him.

The Green Lantern Corps escort the arks out of the soon-to-be-dead solar system and on to their Earth 2. If only they knew how terrible Earth 2 is! Poor survivors.

Back on Earth, Cyborg learns the cure was in him all along. So he clicks his heels together and Wonder Woman snaps his neck. Oh well! Goodbye, Earth! Goodbye, Sol! Goodbye!

DCeased #6 Rating: This one time, I ate half a bag of hallucinatory mushrooms and went out to a club. While at the club, I had to pee. At least I felt like I had to pee. Sometimes when you're on mushrooms, it's hard to tell if you really need to pee or not. While waiting for a urinal to be free, I realized how awkward it was to wait to pee while not watching other people pee but also needing to sort of watch them pee so you don't miss out on a free urinal. Reading this series wasn't anything like that.

DCeased #5

I can't remember. Is Superman a zombie or Wonder Woman?

I've had pretty bad headaches over the last few days so I'm probably dying. But before I do, I'd really like to finish reading all of these comic books I've already paid for.

Theoretically, I love Elseworlds stories. I like the potential in Elseworlds stories. I love a writer taking something the audience is familiar with and losing all of the continuity fencing which keeps some really entertaining stories penned in. But realistically? A lot of them fucking suck. Just like stories that remain in continuity. DCeased lives in the theoretical realm in that it's a story I love. I guess it's also in the actual realm of reality because it exists. But it probably only does both of those things because Tom Taylor is writing it. Why hasn't DC just given Tom Taylor carte blanche to do whatever stories he wants? Sure, Earth 2 fucking sucked but that wasn't his fault! He was just the relief writer brought in after James Robinson allowed five thousand home runs against him. Did Tom invent pacifist Superman? If so, that was a great idea. But not long after that, pacifist Superman showed he wasn't much of a pacifist at all. Did he remain a pacifist during Taylor's run? I can't remember. Anyway, I shouldn't hold Earth 2 against Tom Taylor, no matter how boring and confusing and enraging it was.

DCeased began when Cyborg caught a sexually transmitted Apokoliptian disease and spread it all over Earth via social media. Now the only heroes left are ones that never look at screens, like Jonah Hex and Etrigan the Demon and Doctor Mid-nite. That was a joke but now I want to read a comic book where those guys team up.

Last issue ended with Captain Atom blowing up, destroying DC, Baltimore, and Metropolis.

Oh sure. Now that it's a smoking hole, it's suddenly "our" city!

Flash, Wonder Woman, and Superman wage war on the Internet by attacking its foundations. That's the only way to win: by disabling servers, satellites, and underwater transatlantic cables. Otherwise you're just feeding the trolls. Imagine if Superman left a comment telling me I needed to stop blogging because I was endangering the lives of everyone on Earth. He'd be met with a harsh "Go away, dum-dum!" and it would serve him right!

The world's survivors need a place to survive so the heroes choose Paradise Island and Gotham City. Sure, Gotham City was going to be covered in nuclear fallout soon but it was currently a jungle safe haven built by Poison Ivy. I'm sure she has plants that can protect against radiation, like sunflowers, Black Orchids, and Swamp Things.

Oh, there was one other place that was a safe haven: the Fortress of Solitude.

But it's apparently only for VIPs.

Imagine being the Amazons of Paradise Island and reluctantly allowing refugees of man's world onto the island only to find out that Superman wasn't letting any normals into his home. I'd be fucking pissed! And for good reason even if a bunch of Magic the Gathering playing, turd licking, Watchmen-series dissing hatebeards were all, "Oh! Look how emotional the women are getting!" Poison Ivy makes some rules about not harming plants for people to stay in Gotham Jungle. I hope the Amazons have rules about not arguing about how a Maze of Ith interacts with a Serra Angel and shutting the fuck up about not-all-men.

While arguing about whether or not the humans need to flee Earth, Lex Luthor claims he's the most intelligent person on the planet. He then double checks to make sure Batman's dead before repeating the claim. I don't think this is Lex admitting that Batman is smarter than he is. Sure, it's Tom Taylor trying to admit that! I just think Lex Luthor knows there are several people smarter than him but only Batman could figure out who they are. Like Doctor Smarty Pants the Omniologist that Scott Lobdell created during his Superman run. Why can't I remember her name?! She must have been smarter than Luthor! Although everybody Scott Lobdell wrote was supposedly a genius. Imagine thinking you're smart enough to write a realistic genius! Only a dum-dum could be that dumb!

Lex is just the kind of guy to blame a baby for the loss of its homeworld. Dick.

How many tacos do you think Lex could eat in one sitting? I bet it's something embarrassingly small like three. Sans salsa too.

Of course Lois Lane punches Lex in the face on the next page. I was totally going to predict it because I totally expected the woman to get super emotional. Also, because the Maze of Ith targets an attacking creature, even though it explicitly states the creature untaps, the attacking creature doesn't have to be tapped for it to work on it.

Everybody jerks off while Lex's nose bleeds and Superman fucks Lois softly because he's so turned on by her show of power. Also, fucking softly is the way Kryptonians fuck Earthlings hard. Lois usually can't walk for three weeks after a good soft Kryptonian fucking.

Eventually, after feeling safe, zombie Martian Manhunter decided to show up to remind everybody who the most powerful DC hero really is. Sure, his weakness is super common. But nobody thought to bring any Oreos to the Fortress of Solitude. The Flash is turned into a zombie before Firestorm remembers he can make Oreos out of anything lying around and defeats J'onn easily. But now everybody is screwed because the fastest man in the world can now turn people into zombies. Also the smartest man in the world because Lex was attacked first. Mister Terrific should really think about getting his own series now that he's the smartest person on Earth.

Superman flies off to stop Flash. He can't outrun him (unless it's for charity, I guess) so he flies around the world the opposite way and smashes right through him. Superman winds up with a few of Flash's fingers stuck in him so now he's infected too! He goes to the Fortress to say a bunch of insipid goodbyes to his family at super speed (Wally connects them to the Speed Force to make it possible. Or whatever) and then tries to fly into space to die in a vacuum. But before he can make it, he turns into a zombie. So I guess everybody is fucked, right? Unless Batman taught Damian how to kill Superman. Unless the last page of this issue, where Superman turns back to Earth and blasts it with his heat vision, is Superman doing the smart thing and incinerating Damian from a safe distance.

DCeased #5 Rating: This series is so good your mama wouldn't stop reading it while I carried her groceries in from the car. Zing!

Edge of Oblivion #6

And they all died happily ever after.

The Review!
This final issue was a good issue. Each subsequent issue of this series just got better and better as it dragged itself further and further away from the terrible reason it exists, Lost Army. My highlights in this issue were Simon Baz saying a thing that a lot of people really need to hear this week, Guy Gardner being the heroic Guy Gardner who can sometimes be an ass but never lets that interfere with rescuing the innocent and helpless, and Xrill's declaration of love for 2-6-8-1-7-9-5.

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with the revelation that Ausras and Dismas were actually Langoliers. Their job is to finish eating the last of Relic's universe so that the next universe has room to come into existence. It's quite an important job on a omniversal scale! Which doesn't make it surprising when the Green Lanterns decide to stop them. Why are they messing with the natural ebb and flow of cosmic life? This is like when Swamp Thing tried to destroy the Rot! If he got rid of rotting things, where would the Green most of their nutrients?! What about the Grey? Without the Rot, the Red's herbivores would never die and consume what's left of the Green! It's all part of the natural system and while everybody can battle to maintain balance, nobody can outright defeat anybody else or everybody dies.

You might be thinking, "But Tess? Why don't you post naked pictures of yourself?" Or you might have actually been paying attention to what you were reading in the previous paragraph instead of fantasizing about seeing me naked and thought, "But Tess! You don't know if the Blackest Knights are part of the cosmic cycle or just parasites bringing this universe to an early end!" Sure, I don't know that! But I'm going to assume it so that I can write about how terrible the Green Lanterns are at their job! They're going to destroy their own universe by defeating the Cosmic Langoliers who are helping to bring the Lanterns' universe into existence! Probably!

You know who hasn't been seen in five or six issues? Relic and Krona! Hopefully they're finding a way back to the DC Universe and not just sucking each others' dicks. I mean, I hope that for the sake of the Green Lantern Corps! If I were hoping for my own entertainment, I would be crossing my fingers for the dick sucking thing.

You know who else we haven't seen for awhile? B'dg and Arisia! Oh, wait. Never mind.

The Oliver Twist of Green Lanterns is the first killed in the battle (I mean, the first acknowledged. Some others may have been swallowed whole). After her faceplant into the planet's surface, her ring rushed off to find Sector 2619 (which totally doesn't exist). But the ring believed it existed for some unfathomable reason, so Simon Baz decided to follow it to whatever wormhole it sensed which led to the DC Universe. My bet the wormhole is the hole at the end of Krona's worm, if you get my dirty meaning!

Eventually, Simon Baz figures out where the rings are going.

I'm going to start referring to my asshole as a tear in space. "Doctor! Your finger's in another dimension!" Other things that have gone into that other dimension: my own finger and the tip of a smooth black cylindrical vibrator.

Simon Baz decides to head into the breach and try to report back to Guy what's on the other side. As he does this, he gives an example of what I appreciate about his character.

In Green Lanterns Rebirth #1, Simon Baz is the guy Johns and Humphries express his hope that Jessica Cruz's ring was Guy's ring because Guy had died. They couldn't have missed the point of Simon Baz more. And Johns created him! I think.

Baz's reconnaissance doesn't go great. But since the space fissure is the only place left to go, the Green Lanterns decide to fly into it. But first they have to save the last city of Relic's universe. I suppose they'll stick it on Mogo and Mogo will become the setting for a Green Lantern: Mosaic Rebirth comic book? I hope?

Oh? A mosaic, you say?!

The Lanterns manage to get the Cosmic Langolies onto the surface of Mogo's new friend, the planet Perduron. She gets them in a continental bear hug and traps them in Relic's universe as it dies around them. The Lanterns, meanwhile, flee into the space fissure and escape. Probably. I mean, Simon Baz was in Green Lanterns Rebirth #1 and all.

Edge of Oblivion #5

Time to choose sides, bitches! I'm with the sentient onion! Or is that a jellyfish wearing a turtleneck? Am I being insensitive to aliens who look like rolled up socks with tassels?

The Review!
It's probably too late to tell people not to buy this comic book, right? Not that it's awful or anything. I mean, it might be but I'm not really judging it on its own merits. Maybe that's not fair but I also don't think it's fair for DC to sell me a comic book series that only exists because they already sold me a comic book series that was fucking horrible and was cancelled because it was fucking horrible and yet because of its existence, DC needed another story to fix what happened to the characters in that horrible, horrible story by Cullen Bunn. So now here I am paying for Tom Taylor's version of cleaning up after Cullen Bunn clogged the Green Lantern Corps' toilet which overflowed all over the DC Universe. I mean, DC really couldn't leave that disgusting mess just lying there, right?

The Whatever!
I often joke about how inconsequential everything I do is and then I remember that I'm wrong about that. I'm doing important work here. I'm doing better work than the media is doing. Because the thing corporations don't want anybody to be is open and honest about their products. Nobody wants to see somebody daily pissing all over the thing that makes them money (unless you sell urinals, I suppose). The main problem is that comic books are inconsequential. I know, I know. Super heroes and geek hobbies have taken over popular entertainment. But comic books are just a fringe outlier of super hero movies. Most people don't walk out of Civil War and think, "Now I want to experience that in a more boring version where I have to actually read!" I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should piss all over movies instead of Cullen Bunn! I mean comic books! Although I sort of want to make a movie short about pissing all over Cullen Bunn now. I wonder if he'd enjoy that? I hope that I wouldn't enjoy it too much or I wouldn't be able to piss, if you get that I mean that it's impossible to piss with a raging boner.

But seriously, I'm doing better, more honest work than most media outlets. Nobody owns this critic! Also nobody pays this critic. I wonder if I could get a decent paying job writing stupid puns about movies and going really easy on them and pretending everything I see for free is Citizen Kane? Who am I kidding? Pretending every movie were Citizen Kane would mean I'd have to say I didn't understand what I didn't sleep through! I probably should have said, "Pretending everything I see is Young Guns II!" Now that was the perfect movie! And the soundtrack?! Magnifique!

This issue begins with Guy Gardner realizing he was used by one group of aliens and now he's ready to be used by those aliens' enemies. But it's okay this time because he's probably fighting on the right side this time. It's Issue #5 so I don't think there will be yet another twist where it's revealed that the good aliens who were discovered to actually be the bad aliens really do turn out to be the good aliens. I really don't care if that happens because I don't care about anything that happens in this universe. The whole concept was a terrible idea in the first place.

You know that whole "in media res" thing where a story teller is supposed to begin the story in the middle of the story because it's way more exciting that way? I wish comic books would do that! I mean really do that! Not this bullshit "first page begins in the middle of the action and then by the second page we jump the narrative back to the beginning to over-explain how things got to page one". I just want comic books to stop filling shit in that doesn't need to be said because then we get comic books like this. I got it! Relic came from a universe that used up all of its light and was destroyed (although, I feel the need to state, yet again, that they theory never had any actual evidence to support it and this series only proved that Relic's theory was verified by John Stewart saying he was from the future and repeating Relic's theory to him). That's all I needed to know! Got it! I understand the motivations of the character. I don't need an entirely new series where people venture into that universe and go, "Oh yeah! Look at that! Relic's universe where everything is coming to an end! I'm sure glad this boring fucking story was told!"

Some of the Lanterns are still under the influence of the Blackest Knights so it's time for Green Lanterns to battle Green Lanterns. Being that 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, Guy Gardner, Kilowog, and Simon Baz are on one team, my money is on that team. Not that I think they're better than the other team but I can only name John Stewart in the other team so it must not be as good.

Earlier, John said Kilowog knows all of the Lanterns' weaknesses because he trained them. So Kilowog creates one of those things that moo like a cow when you turn it over? That's John Stewart's weakness?

I just recently rewatched that scene in Delicatessen where they're making those Mooing cylinders or else I might have thought it was a salt shaker and deemed John Stewart a space slug.

Guy's plan is to lead the Blackest Knights into space where Mogo can go all Death Star on them. When Mogo accomplishes this, Ausras and Dismas's disguises fail them.

Oh, well if they look like that, they're obviously the monsters! Although I probably shouldn't think that having just read Meredith Finch's treaty on superficiality leading to leaps in judgment in her most recent story in Wonder Woman.

I suppose it isn't so much that Ausras and Dismas actually look like gigantic blow-job space piranha so much as they declare they're going to feast on the universe that blows their cover. Plus as I learned in the pages of Superman and the Truth storyline, if somebody is hiding who they really are, they're horrible monsters bent on total destruction, no matter how much their actions say different.

Edge of Oblivion #4

I never realized what a high percentage of Guy's costume was turtle neck and collar.

The Review!
I don't really care what happens in this comic book. Reading this comic book is like watching somebody mop up after a drunk asshole pisses all over the bathroom floor. Basically something occurred that should not have occurred and now Tom Taylor has to clean it all up before people begin to think that the bathroom floor has always been covered in Cullen Bunn's piss. Eventually the Corps will get back to the proper universe and everybody will forget that this little side adventure was ever pitched and somehow received as a good idea. On the plus side, Tom Taylor does the best job he can with a mop and a floor covered with piss. He even manages to wring one more twist out of the Green Lantern Mythos by making the bad guys who the Lanterns thought were the good guys into the super bad guys known as...The Blackest Knights! I bet Geoff Johns heard that and was all, "What?! Why didn't I think of that!" Of course Johns may have thought of it since I didn't read any of his ten year long run (Preboot, of course). Also, the Blackest Knights are a thinly veiled analogy of the United States foreign policy of constant war and imperialism while Marniel represents the powerless resorting to terrorist acts to do what they think is right. Of course, it all leads to a big fight between the Green Lanterns, some who have been brainwashed by Western propaganda and others who see the truth! Not that I'm judging anything in any way! I'm just describing what this book is about!

So basically, if you hate America, you should love this book! There might be other reasons to love this book too but I wouldn't know what they are. I just know this book keeps reminding me that Lost Army was a thing. A horrible, horrible thing.

Earth 2 #28

The Apokoliptian Invasion! Run for your life!

Since World's End has taken to telling a fairly linear story about the Not Quite the Justice Society's battle against Apokolips, Earth 2 hasn't been given any time at all to talk about them. So what will this comic book be about? I've got a feeling it will tell the secret origins of the Fab Furies of Apokolips! Remember them? They're the ones that were going to cause widespread devastation and tons of exciting plot twists but haven't really done shit for five full issues. What are they doing? They traveled across the universe to destroy Earth and they've simply all gone AWOL! I suppose I'll get my fill of them here.

The credits show four full sets of artists, so I guess each set will be doing one story each or something. The first story takes place on Czarnia. Oh great! With a special appearance by Twat Lobo, I bet! Is Twat Lobo from Earth-2's Czarnia? Is that all the explanation we need? Is his Czarnia really from Earth-Twat?!

Wait. This girl and bad boy Twat Lobo aren't going to come together and create a baby, are they? A baby THAT WILL NEVER BE BORN!

My first thought was that this Czarnian was going to be Death. But beyond the skin color, they really don't share any similarities. I bet she becomes Pestilence after Twat Lobo (or Lobo Lobo?!) destroys Czarnia with a plague. Twat Lobo gives the girl some advice and never once says, "Sorry. Not sorry." I am sorry for typing that though.

This Czarnian is caught stealing medicine for her family and locked away. As punishment, she's filled with every disease known to Czarnia to be the ambassador to Apokolips. All she has to do is act naturally, walk up to Darkseid, and fill him full of various airborne illnesses.

"I feel fine! When do I get to meet Darkseid?! Um, don't worry about my exploding sores! You should have seen them yesterday! I'm totally getting better. Now where's her majesty? I mean his majesty?!"

Desaad has probably never seen a gift horsemen in his life but he recognizes one when he sees one. And he doesn't even look her in the mouth because gross! Desaad hires her and this story ends. Except it doesn't end with "the end." It does that stupid, overdone thing where it ends with "The beginning...". I hope all four short stories don't end like that! You can't do that, can you? Maybe that's the only way it can be done! Four times in the same comic book! It's so overdone that it will come back around to being underdone and clever!

The next story takes place on the Warworld of Earth-2. Or, um, Universe-2, I guess! It stars Famine! And Mongul! And Steppenwolf! What a star-studded cast! I wonder if Jim Starlin is upset that somebody else is writing his baby, Warworld?

On Warworld, they battle seemingly eight days a week. In spite of all the danger, Steppenwolf has decided to pay a visit to Warworld, probably to look for new recruits.

How do those little skinny guys carry that weight? I saw her standing there on the battlefield, and she's freaking gigantic! She looks like a yellow submarine!

Later at dinner, Steppenwolf is all, "Miss, I've just got to get you into my life." And Mongul is all, "Ain't she sweet?" And Steppenwolf is all, "Do you want to know a secret? My furies live forever!" And Mongul is all, "Oh! Darling, do not listen to him!" And Steppenwolf is all, "You'll be mine." And Mongul is all, "What you're doing is not cool!" And Steppenwolf is all, "Baby, baby. You know what to do." And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "Everybody's trying to be my baby!" And Mongul is all, "Don't let me down!" And Steppenwolf is all, "I want you (she's so heavy!)." And Mongul is all, "Don't listen to him! The two of us...we can work it out!" And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "I sense a beginning ending coming up!" And Steppenwolf is all, "I don't want to spoil the party, but you're going to lose that girl!" And Mongul is all, "I'm a loser." And Steppenwolf is all, "She's leaving home!" And Mongul is all, "I'll get you!" And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "Hello goodbye!" And Mongul is all, "Help! I should have known better!" And that's how the Fury of Famine left Jim Starlin's Warworld to live on Apokolips.

And, yes, this story ended with "The Beginning...". So it's getting really exciting! Four "The Beginning..."s in one book! If I were a paperback writer, I would never even attempt this feat!

The next story stars little Earth-2 Starfire, K'li. I think that was her name. It's possible her name is Lucille. Or Michelle! Maggie Mae? Starfire-2 crash lands on Apokolips and kills every parademon she stumbles across.

Hello little girl. How do you do it?

Big Barda trains Universe-2 Starfire to be the best monster she can be. Every little thing she does is horrific, as if she had a devil in her heart. Here, there and everywhere, corpses line her wake. Darkseid readily accepts her as his Fury of War thus marking another beginning! Three in a row! Majestic!

The fourth story is about Death and takes place on Mars-2. Happiness is a warm gun. I am the walrus. Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey. Being for the benefit of Mr. Kite! Maxwell's silver hammer.

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da.

I want to hold your hand. Blackbird. Dear Prudence. Dizzy Miss Lizzy. Magical mystery tour. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. The long and winding road. Komm, gib mir deine Hand. I've just seen a face. Glass onion. Doctor Robert.

Day tripper.

Earth 2 #28 Ranking: I'm only sleeping.

Earth 2 #27

The tombstone should read "Husband/Father/Hero." Of course Bruce was somebody's son! The grave should at least acknowledge Selina!

This issue begins like it's trying to be Worlds' Finest because Worlds' Finest has been co-opted by Batman and Superman because DC needs more books starring those idiots. And since Earth 2 spent this week in a double sized issue of World's End, it seems like Worlds' Finest starring The Huntress and Power Girl might as well take over this comic book this month. It works for me!

For a few pages, we get to see some flashbacks to Kara and Helena's past. It feels like a Sailor Moon movie. Except instead of Tuxedo Mask giving the little, lost alien boy a flower, Kara gives the little, lost alien boy an action figure. And instead of everybody remembering how Usagi treated them kindly, Thomas Wayne hangs a mugger from a street light, Spider-man-style. But it's all the same kind of feels, anyway. Hel and Kara love each other. Replacement Grandfather protects his granddaughter. Val-el makes a best friend for life when Kara lies to him and tells him that her parents are dead. Unless they did die while Krypton was still healthy! I guess Krypton-2 had a different history than the Regular Old Krypton. Why wouldn't it when Earth-2's history is so different? Like Thomas Wayne still being alive!

She was never alone in this world! As soon as her dad died, she switched worlds!

Replacement Batman confides in Helena immediately that he uses Earth-2 Viagra to be a decent Batman. He only tells her because, being a Bat-child and thus very observant, she noticed how he "wilted" after the fight. Maybe Replacement Batman needs a tighter set of drawers.

Power Girl and Val-el and Replacement Batman and The Huntress and Tornado Lane find themselves battling some creatures from Apokolips that seem to have been made up just for this bullshit issue of Earth-2. Yes, I'm calling it bullshit now because I took a break and now I'm in a bad mood. A foul mood! A horrendous mood! No wait! An horrendous mood! I forgot to be pretentious!

Okay, so I really don't know a lot about Apokolips and The Fourth World and The New Gods, so maybe these are standard Apokoliptian devil spawn! The only thing I really know about Darkseid is that if you shine a light in his head, his eyes glow simulating his Omega Beams! The only thing I know about Steppenwolf is that he came with an electro-axe connected to a backpack by a string which made him the best figure to use when playing Hot Lava with them in my grandparent's enormous backyard.

Power Girl and her Preschool kissy-baby lover-boy, Val-el, fly around the CERN atom smasher a few times and then slam into each other. They create a new particle called "BRAKATHOOMM." Also, Power Girl is probably now pregnant. The blast destroys all of the Apokoliptian Devil Spawn being that it was equivalent to the explosion of a neutron bomb.

But it stays in the tunnel thanks to Replacement Batman's quick thinking! And his Earth-2 Viagra!

And everybody lived happily ever after! Or would have if they hadn't all signed on to be a part of a comic book called "World's End." Idiots.

Earth 2 #27 Rating: No change. The plot of this issue was stupid because it was really about something other than smashing Apokoliptian Devil Spawn. It had something to do with abstract ideas that I just don't understand. Like family and friendship and love. What's so important about fictional ideas like those? I just want to see two women kiss! I suppose if Hollywood could find two guys that could actually make kissing look sexy, I'd watch two guys kiss as well. Women really enjoy kissing! So two women kissing is sexy! But guys are always distracted when they kiss. You can tell they're already thinking about where their penis is going to go while they kiss. Thus, crappy kissing! I think Val-el and Power Girl having sex in a super collider got me all distracted!

Earth 2 #26

How soon, in seconds, did Power Girl and Huntress think, "I've made a huge mistake"?

No more ass play and ice cream, Karen! It's time to straighten up and put on your Earth 2 panties! Remember those? The ones you never got a chance to take off because Cousin Kal-El kept you hidden away from the world and the world's penises? Now's your chance to get even, Power Girl! And I don't mean by beating the crap out of Cousin Flip the Fuck Out. I mean sitting on Val-el's face while your cousin watches! That's a rite of passage for most kids in Western Civilization, right?

Oh, and don't worry! You're not related to Val-el! I just call him that because I'm an idiot.

Currently, a strange, twisty, cyclonic light has been seen over CERN and that can mean only one thing no matter how many people say it's not that one thing at all and have proof that it's something else: CERN has opened a gate to another world! And that gate is sucking the Earth through it. Only Queen Lantern's most powerful weapon in the universe (after his well coiffed hair and rippling abdomen muscles) is the only thing keeping the Earth from road tripping across space and time to Apokolips Country.

Drug addicted Replacement Batman is ready to take drugs and to kick ass. And hopefully he's not out of drugs because then he won't be kicking any ass at all. I suppose he'll be kicking the drugs and balled up in the corner moaning about stomach cramps and crawling skin.

Why is it when somebody comes to chew bubblegum and kick ass, they have to announce that they're all out of bubblegum. What does one have to do with the other? Only complete dunderheads can't kick ass and chew bubblegum at the same time! Are we supposed to believe that the person will concentrate harder on the ass kicking now? Or that they're super angry over not having any more bubblegum? Do wrestlers turned actors care that much about bubblegum?

Hopefully fucking is the answer!

Has there ever been a situation in history or literature or song or whatever where the only solution left to do was to fuck? And I'm not talking about the final scene in the sewers in It! That might qualify but it's creepy and disgusting and I don't want to read about a gang bang involving twelve year olds as they fuck to save their lives. Although, it does fit the criteria for my question. So I guess that situation has happened! Good show, Stephen King!

I'm sure, historically, fucking was probably utilized to solve a problem by the Greeks and Romans every other week.

And then, perchance, fuck that hole?

You know how many holes I made while growing up? No, not to fuck! Just digging around in the backyard thinking that I'd find some kind of long, lost treasure! I don't have an accurate tally but it was a lot of holes. Granted, my backyard was the size of two normal house lots so I had a lot of places to search. One time as I was digging, I dug up a strange, acorn looking thing. I prodded it with the blade of the shovel and the blade sliced right through it. It began oozing pinkish goo. I completely freaked out, buried it quickly with my shovel, and ran off with my skin crawling. I think it was the gestation pod for a Predator and I probably saved Earth!

Other things I did as a kid that scared the shit out of me so that I went running off to a well-lighted room with gooseflesh all over my body? Shining a flashlight into the night sky. I always thought I was alerting aliens to my presence and they were, at any minute, about to come down and snatch me away.

Replacement Batman: The Drugged Knight Returns To Make a Hole

While Replacement Batman obsesses over a hole, Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Val-el face off. They don't fight because Val-el is a pacifist and a conscientious object-
or. I stole that from that poet that did that! You know the one! Unless you're American. Then just think it was Robert Frost in that poem about paths or snowy woods or something.

Why isn't Clark Kent a pacifist? Now that the subject has been broached in Earth 2, it boggles my mind that Clark never thought to refuse to fight. I constantly wonder why his battles always wind up in fisticuffs when he never needs to throw a punch. He can just walk calmly up to the bad guys, grab them by the scruff of the neck, and drag them off to prison. And now that he's infected with the Doomsday Virus (which he contracted due to violence!), he's going to have to be extremely careful about getting angry or he might lose control. He might have to take some classes on meditation. Maybe put in a Zen garden in the Fortress of Solitude which he can rake for hours on end to calm down. The main difference between Batman and Superman should be the level of violence exhibited by each. Batman has to be violent to put the fear in criminals (not that it seems to work in Gotham to deter crime) while Superman should be non-violent to completely humiliate criminals. He should pants them before taking them off to jail. And use his x-ray vision to make them infertile!

Tornado Lane joins the fight to distract Flip the Fuck Out Superman. She and Val-el just have to keep him away from CERN long enough for Replacement Batman to stick his dick in the hole. In this case, Batman's dick is The Streak starring Jay Gimmick. The Streak needs to get Aquawoman into CERN so she can beat down Bedlam and free the minds of Terry Sloan and Mister Terrific who will then be able to hit the off switch on the Boom Tube.

See this, artists and writers of New Earth Superman? The glowing eyes is freakish! It scares people, Superman! Calm the fuck down with the glowing eye covers already! Be the nice farm boy you were always meant to be!

Replacement Batman's hole plan works and Aquawoman takes over the fish part of Bedlam's mind. Or something. Anyway, it frees Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Mister 8. Maybe Bedlam's power was that he could only mind control people with "mister" in their names? The Misters shut down the Boom Tube allowing Queen Lantern to return to the fight. It's a good thing, too. Since he gets his power from the Earth, the further away from it he gets, the weaker he gets. But he was being heroic to save the world, so it wasn't a big deal to be in space this time. Gumption and what not, you know?

The last battle left is with Flip the Fuck Out Superman. Who turns out not to be Superman at all but somebody entirely better!

Yay, Bizarro! Boo! He dies on the next page!

So that takes care of Bedlam, Beguiler, and Bizarro. Darkseid has failed. At least until he sends the Female Furies down to Earth in World's End. But they'll have to face the Almost Justice Society starring Hawkcop, Val-el, Aquawoman, The Streak starring Jay Gimmick, Queen Lantern, Replacement Batman, Tornado Lane, Know-it-all Olsen, Doctor Fuck-up, and The Blandman.

Oh, also Bedlam isn't actually defeated. He recovers quickly from the stroke given to him by Aquawoman and steals back the Misters for his own pet project. That project is to release Fury, Big Barda, and the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips onto Earth 2. He'll also take some speech therapy classes to compensate for the slight loss of muscle control on the left side of his face.

Earth 2 #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wish continuity would just die an ignoble death in a dark alley where its corpse will then be eaten by stray cats and sewer rats. The whole concept of The New 52 is that there are 52 worlds for DC to play in. When I first began this project (reading all the New 52 books), I had hoped that every book would take place in its own world! Let the writers off the chains of continuity and let them have complete control over their story and the world where it takes place! Okay, maybe a few titles could be on the same Earth, like all the Batfamily titles. Give me free range writers! Down with continuity cages! DC loves "unleashing" things, right? Well unleash your fucking writers, you morons! Take off the chains of continuity and be free! Free, you fuckers! Free!

Earth 2 #25

Is this one of those find all the differences pictures? Did I accidentally pick up a Highlights for Children?

Why isn't there a comic book out there about me? What's with the lack of representation of me in comic books? I'm getting sick and tired of reading comic book after comic book that doesn't have me as a character. It's bullshit. Stop erasing me! I'm a real life person and human being! I should be represented!

The Duke of Oil from the old Outsiders comic book was almost an exact duplicate of me but then he turned out to be a robot and I'm not a robot. Or at least I'm programmed to think that I'm not a robot. I could be a computer since I don't have a decent method of coming up with random numbers without using some dice or something. I wonder how I can know for certain? Where does one go to take the Voigt-Kampff test?

Currently, Queen Lantern and Hawkcop are busy trying to rescue The Streak starring Jay Gimmick.

If anybody wonders why I call Alan Scott, Queen Lantern, it's because of this. He looks like Flash Gordon from the movie with the Queen soundtrack in nearly every shot, including winged people! Also he's gay and I'm an insensitive bastard.

Val-el over on Amazonia is busy filling in Know-it-all Olsen on his relationship to the previous Superman. It might be a bit confusing how he's related to Supes since he wears the symbol of the House of El and because I keep calling him Val-el when his name is actually Val-zod. It seems that in Earth 2's universe, Zod was a pacifist and a speaker of the truth, especially truths that sometimes get people in trouble with their government so that they wind up in The Phantom Zone. It's a good thing the United States doesn't have a Phantom Zone! It would probably be run by Haliburton. Privatize that shit and you'd make money hand over dick since it can never be filled to capacity! Maybe you can fill it so full that people have to stand inside other people but since everybody is a phantom, that's not a problem.

What?! A mystery Superperson! Maybe it's Beppo! Also, note that in Universe 2, Jor-el's brother was an even shittier scientist than in New Universe. He didn't even save Kara himself in this one!

Queen Lantern and Hawkcop get some help saving The Streak starring Jay Gimmick from Aquawoman and a bunch of Great White Sharks. How come Aquaman never rides Great White Sharks around like the Atlanteans of Earth 2? That's a missed opportunity! Riding Sea Horses around is just a sorry copy of how land dwellers get around! Anyway, they take care of the Parademons while The Streak starring Jay Gimmick goes out on a date with Beguiler.

Jay usually takes things slow on the first date. He usually saves groping at his date's breasts for the second date.

Beguiler disappears and Jay believes he pushed her into infinity because he was a really fucking crappy college student.

Back in Smallville, Flip the Fuck Out Superman points out to his father that he's a useless old man and will be first against the wall when Darkseid arrives so how about buttoning the smart mouth and come have dinner with his girlfriend Tornado Lane. Pa decides to sit down to dinner but he never agrees to buttoning his sassy lips.

Uh oh! It's the cornfield for Pa for sure!

Flip the Fuck Out Superman Omega Beams the fuck out of Pa who disintegrates. I suppose that's one way to get him into the cornfield since he's probably a decent fertilizer now. Ma is embarrassed by her son's behavior and Lois decides that Clark isn't the same man she married. Flip the Fuck Out Superman weeps and cries that he loves Lois in just that special way that abusers go on and on about when they realize they might have crossed the line and are about to lose the person they love...to beat on! But before he can pretend to make it better, he's called off to help out Bedlam, Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Terry Sloan with their Boom Tube: Earth Project.

Boom Tube: Earth is fired up and now there is ONE LAST CHANCE to save the Earth before it's sucked over to take the place of Apokolips in whatever dimension that planet is in. The team split up to save the world with Hawkcop, Replacement Batman, and the World Army heading to CERN to defeat Bedlam and shut off Boom Tube: Earth. Queen Lantern heads out to space to hold the Earth in place. And Val-El goes toe to toe with Flip the Fuck Out Superman.

I don't know why there were two Batmans on the cover.

Earth 2 #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. How many times in DC's history has Superman killed Pa Kent? Can't be a large number, right? Did Heroclix ever release a Pa Kent figure because I'd like to stage this battle myself and see if it could have gone better for Pa. All in all, this title continues to keep me entertained and interested. I like my comic books off the rails like this! Continuity is for jerks!

Earth 2 #24

Is this where we find out Beguiler is That Time of the Month Wonder Woman?

I know. Ha ha ha. Tess made a PMS joke. What a fucking hilariously cliché piece of shit writing. It's good to see my standards aren't improving after two years of the same old shit, right? I never understood the whole joke about women being premenstrual when they were upset anyway. That only happens for a short time once a month, right? So why are women always upset the rest of the time?

Oh, ha ha ha! Good one, Tess. Another fucking joke at the expense of women. What a fucking asshole, right? No, I'm not an asshole! I'm just lazy! Recycling old jokes about women is just easier than being funny! I also enjoy a good joke about fraternity members being date rapists, various drunk animals that walk into bars, and Christians that are unthinking, brainwashed yokels! I do get offended when other people make easy jokes about women though because I always assume everybody but me has no sense of humor and that whatever they say is meant to be hurtful. I find that's the best way to live my life because then I'm always angry which helps me fight for survival. Sure, I sometimes punch a small kid in the face when I catch one running towards me in my peripheral vision. But better a kid with a black eye than me being mauled by a runaway lion! You can never be too lax because you can always wind up too dead!

This comic book has so many characters that I'd forgotten about The Streak starring Jay Gimmick. But he's right there on the cover and this issue begins with him being tortured by Beguiler!

I wish I knew some good, easy jokes about white males. But it's hard to make fun of a group of people without any flaws.

Are jokes where guys demand that women make them sandwiches demeaning to men or to women?! Who is the butt of a joke like that? It seems the asshole that expects to be served simply based on gender is the butt of that joke but men rarely seem to be upset by it. That's the problem with satire! It proposes a situation in which to ridicule one thing by ridiculing some other thing that doesn't deserve to be ridiculed! So if somebody has a scene in a play where a man orders a woman to make him a sandwich, thus showing what a sexist, lazy ass the man is, men watching the scene will say, "That's right! Get in the kitchen!" It's hard to shame people that have no shame at all, and men have the least amount of shame of anyone!

So, um, anyway, The Streak starring Jay Gimmick pisses off Beguiler with a lot of questions about Beguiler's look. Why was she a skeleton? Why was half of her head blown off? How is she a sentient, living being when she's obviously an old broken down corpse? You know he's just trying to get her angry with his bad jokes because he met a god earlier in this series and that makes even less sense than a ghost that enjoys torturing people with high technology instruments of torture. Beguiler thinks about killing The Streak starring Jay Gimmick but Bedlam interrupts. Bedlam may or may not be Batshit Batman.

Meanwhile, Queen Lantern managed to save Hawkcop in the Big Batcave Explosion. But he didn't save Red Speedy because fuck him. Who needs an archer to help protect Earth against Darkseid? That sounds a lot like babysitting.

I'm sure Watchmen didn't exist on Earth 2, so Queen Lantern just made this up off the top of his head.

I guess Queen Lantern didn't need to save Red Speedy because Replacement Batman and his Not Quite the Justice Society took Red Speedy's corpse with them when they retreated to Paradise Island. I really thought he was left behind last issue. I guess if Red Speedy has any chance of coming back to life, it's not going to be while floating in a big green bubble with Alan and Kendra. Although I don't think heroes on Earth 2 are going to be allowed to come back to life. Or maybe they will all come back to life but wind up on the other team. Perhaps Darkseid has figured out the Anti-Life Equation and he's using it to make dead super heroes fight on his side. Which means Red Speedy will become Dead Red Speedy.

Replacement Batman blames Red Speedy's death on Val-el simply because Val-el is a pacifist. I think Replacement Batman might be a little bit angry about heroes that choose not to kill (let alone not fight at all! Lazy!) since he lost his stupid refuse-to-kill-anybody son. Jimmy Olsen has a few choice words for Replacement Batman.

On Earth 2, Jimmy Olsen has a photographic memory! Get it?!

I'd forgotten that Replacement Batman is addicted to Miraclo. It's so much better having Batman using Miraclo than having some jerk named Hourman using the pill! I've never liked Hourman as a super hero. But I do like him as the poster boy for why taking drugs is awesome! The whole addiction part of Hourman's story is nonsense. I don't mean that he's not addicted to his Miraclo pills! I just mean who the fuck cares if you're addicted to pills when they make you super strong! I doubt he was really addicted to the pills anyway. Hourman wasn't any different than Hal Jordan who was simply addicted to being a hero. I suppose the drug addiction was an analogy or an allegory or satire or something. Pick whatever word you want and make it work. I would pick analogy simply because it has "anal" in it.

I hope Accountable Olsen does become the new Robin! Then I can make fun of him for taking a girl's job!

Meanwhile, Hawkcop and Queen Lantern have tracked The Streak starring Jay Gimmick to Washington, DC.

I'm sure Lord of the Rings didn't exist on Earth 2, so Hawkcop just made this up off the top of her head.

While Queen Lantern distracts the parademons, Hawkcop manages to free The Streak starring Jay Gimmick (as you can see by now, I refuse to stop calling him this). That's pretty much the entire plan except for one more piece that Hawkcop tacks onto the end. The Fledgling Not Quite the Justice Society lead the parademons out of Washington and then contact Replacement Batman for a way to destroy the creatures. Kendra asks Replacement Batman, "Do you know the Pied Piper?" That got me excited for a second thinking that Alan was going to have a new love interest but then I realized Hawkcop was merely talking about the story of the Pied Piper. Lame.

And finally, Accountable Olsen talks Val-el into undressing.

I wish I knew some good, easy jokes about black males. But it's hard to make fun of a group of people without any flaws.

Earth Two #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I sure wish we'd get more information about Beguiler and Bedlam. They've got to be Wonder Woman and Batman though, right? I hope my supposition about Darkseid's success at discovering the Anti-Life Equation is at the heart of the heroes being turned evil after they've been killed. Red Speedy will be the litmus paper to determine if this is the case. If he turns alive and evil then that means Darkseid has discovered the Equation! And he's going to need it too since the Anti-Monitor is on the loose in The New 52. They'll either become bitter rivals or roommates with loads of sexual tension. I'm not sure which I'm hoping for more.

Earth 2 #23

Was a satisfactory answer ever given as to why Red Tornado had a huge arrow pointing to his face? Did he get drunk at an android frat party? Does it say "Shit Here" on the other side of his head? And by "him", I'm referring to the original which Tornado Lane's look is based off of.

Tornado Lane isn't exactly a powerhouse hero, is she? No way is she going to defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman in a physical match. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of "try to remember me" and "I know, deep down, you still love me!" nonsense happening. At least, that's what I would expect in a regular book. But I think Tom Taylor has it in him to pull some wacky shit out of his writing pen.

Tornado Lane: "Superman! It's me, Lois! The greatest reporter the world has ever known! Also your wife!"
FtFO Superman: "WHAT?! Greatest reporter?! Clark Kent could report circles around the circles he was reporting around you!"
Tornado Lane: "Your pieces were nothing more than human interest stories! They were the bellybutton lint of real news! And your shitty opinion pieces were, frankly, shitty!"
FtFO Superman: "Without me, you'd only ever have written one article! And it would have been published posthumously!"
Tornado Lane: "KISS ME!"
FtFO Superman: "FUCK ME!"

Then Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts his dick in Tornado Lane's robotic asshole where her sphincter locks up and the kryptonite bomb stashed in her bowels blows them both into confetti.

I imagine this issue should play out something like that.

I imagine this is where Darkseid meows and then makes a cracking whip sound.

The parademon army nearby should have paid more attention to the message Darkseid was trying to convey because I don't think they would have shot Tornado Lane in the back if they realized how much power she had over Flip the Fuck Out Superman. As soon as Tornado Lane is harmed, Flip the Fuck Out Superman destroys about three thousand parademons with a single blast of heat vision.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts the war on hold for a bit so he can go somewhere private and "chat" with Tornado Lane. I put chat in quotation marks because it will probably just wind up being Tornado Lois screaming at Flip the Fuck Out Clark for acting like such a huge douche. They leave Val-el and Hawkcop to escape from three thousand more parademons.

And since Val-el is a pacifist, it doesn't look too good for Hawkcop's chances.

Don't worry! Queen Lantern comes along to save their asses. He says, "Who wants to live forever!" And then the parademons go, "We want to live forever!" And then Queen Lantern sings some other lyrics from that song or just goes right into Another One Bites the Dust. He really does remind me of Flash Gordon though!

Oh! Guess where Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Tornado Lane go to talk? A little farm in Smallville, Indianasksasowa! Flip the Fuck Out Clark wants Flip the Fuck Out Ma and Flip the Fuck Out Pa to see that Lois is still alive! Technically! Ma and Pa Kent seem to be dealing with their son's midlife crisis as well as any parents would. Or at least as well as the parents of that Lost in Space kid in that Twilight Zone episode. "What you done to the world, Clark? That's real good, Clark! Real good!" I bet Lana Lang is out in the fucking cornfield with Lex Luthor!

Meanwhile at the Replacement Batcave, the Not Quite the Justice Society are once again under attack.

If only Alfred were still around, he could have held it up at the front door.

Where is Alfred Pennyworth on Earth 2?! He must exist somewhere. I refuse to believe he's dead. I bet he was buried alive with Batman. But he was probably given a bunch of Batman's rebreathers so he can stay alive and dust the crypt every day.

Before the Not Quite the Justice Society can retreat through Sandman's portal to Themyscira, Red Speedy is bit in the neck by an Apokorat and goes down. Replacement Batman sets a self-destruct system (coded Azrael because Azrael blows) that counts down and blows up the Replacement Batcave after everybody escapes. Except Queen Lantern and Hawkcop don't choose to escape. They'd rather sit in the middle of a nuclear explosion than run away like chumps. I'm sure Queen Lantern kept them (and stupid Red Speedy) safe.

Earth 2 #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't get enough of DC Comics when they're allowed to do whatever the fuck they want! Fuck having to make sure your comic book's continuity doesn't fuck up ten Batman comic books' continuities! I wish just about every comic book took place on a completely different Earth! That would be so much fun! DC should break away from one world tied together and just do more and more worlds! Crisis on Infinite Earths was the dumbest move the company ever made!

Earth 2 #22

Is this the part where one of the Parademons says, "Who wants to live forever anyway?" And then Flash Lantern spends ten minutes crashing a rocket ship into Ming the Merciless while a timer counts down from two and a half minutes?

I saw Flash Gordon in the theater when I was a kid and it was one of the greatest movies I'd ever seen in my life. Star Wars didn't have some guys eyeball pop out of his skull as he had a spike rammed through it! Obviously eight year old me was wrong. Or he was gay and had just discovered camp. Not summer camp which is also good for lots of unexpected gay stuff to happen; camp as in Xena or drag shows! Watching it later in life, it's obvious what's wrong with the movie. Everybody is playing it at the wrong speed! You need to ratchet up that entire movie until Gordon's Countdown until Earth is Destroyed at the end ticks down in real time. I don't know how you'd fit in or understand all of the dialogue. That's technical shit that can be fixed in post since they didn't fix it in post the first time and instead slowed the movie down to fit the speaking roles.

It's also possible that Queen did the music for the movie first, filling the songs with really long, drawn out synth solos which the director had to time the action to.

This issue begins at the moment that Flip the Fuck Out Superman nearly killed Queen Lantern. Since Alan Scott hasn't been around for a few issues, I guess we need to catch up on how not dead he's been.

Oh, excuse me. I guess I meant the opposite of that.

So Alan Scott actually has been dead for the last few issues. But his ring decides it would rather heal him than find a new bearer of the ring like a lazy New Earth ring would have done. New Earth Green Lantern rings can't heal death (unless Simon Baz is wearing it) but Alan Scott has a unique Green Lantern ring that's tied to the Earth and not to some cosmic fascist police corps. So the ring heals him but forgets to make him some clothes so readers get the pleasure of seeing are forced to stare at his naked ass.

Meanwhile, Flip the Fuck Out Superman throws Sloan around a bit for hiding information about another Kryptonian. While he slaps him around a bit, his suit tears, showing a bit of tattoo underneath. It probably says "Fair" on that arm and "Balanced" on the other. Sloan doesn't tell Flip the Fuck Out Superman anything because Bedlam already read his mind. He points out that the other Kryptonian has been kidnapped by a fool in a bat costume.

That's not the real Superman! The real Superman would never admit that Batman was a genuine threat.

Tornado Lane is busy helping Val-El get over his fears (his actual name is Val-Zod but fuck if I'm calling anybody by their actual name in this comic. It's Earth 2! They're all phonies!). She and Replacement Batman probably think curing him of his agoraphobia will be the greatest hurdle in getting him ready to battle Superman. But Tornado Lane learns he's also a pacifist. Fucking hell. This is the most useless Superman Substitute ever!

During the flying lessons, Hawkcop joins them just in time to battle Flip the Fuck Out Superman's parademon army. Flip the Fuck Out Superman decides to go straight for the kill, tackling Val-El into the ground. He's prepared to rip Val's face off when Tornado Lane approaches and reveals the entire reason her consciousness was shoved into this robot in the first place. She let's Clark know that she's Lois. And that her robot vagina is fantastic.

He's imagining how it swirls and sucks right about now.

Earth 2 #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. Not a whole lot is happening in this issue. But even with so many characters and stories to maintain, I'm glad Tom Taylor is not rushing the story. Earth 2 needs a greater share of The New 52 books because one book a month for an entire world with so many characters taking part just is not enough. Take the way this issue seemed like it was going to get Queen Lantern back in the action but we really just learned that Alan died and was reborn. He didn't even get his clothes back yet. Jay Garrick didn't even make an appearance! Which I'm glad for because I don't know what to call him. I also ignored Dr. Fate coming back because I don't know what to call him either. Suggestions are appreciated if you don't mind me making fun of them or saying that I had already thought of them when I steal your suggestion and claim it as my own.