Aquaman and the Others #11

This is the last time DC Comics will ever let these heroes share a cover.

This is probably the last time I'll ever read an Aquaman and the Others comic book because nobody in their right mind would give this team another chance. They were just awful. And boring. And none of them were interesting. Although according to Erik Larsen and the silent majority, Ya'Wara's costume should have had this comic book flying off of the shelves.

Speaking of Erik Larsen and his vocal minority bit, here's a little something I wrote back in June 2013 in my Batwoman #21 commentary. This is just the conclusion to a longer piece but it shows that I, at least, think he's targeting the wrong "vocal minority":

Anyway, I was just thinking I should discuss diversity at some point and why I never really discuss it much! I'm neutral on diversity so I'm not the target audience. But I'm also not the target audience on non-diverse comic book characters! I think that's probably a good part of the silent majority. Which means when a company thinks that diverse characters won't sell, they're absolutely wrong because they're listening to a vocal minority. I'll read ANY character if the story is well-written and/or drawn beautifully! Which probably means I shouldn't stay silent on being pro-diversity! So it's probably a good thing to be writing this. Take note, DC. White male characters don't sell because comic book fans demand white males. White males sell because that's what you're fucking selling us.

So when I say I'm neutral on it, I just mean I'm not emotionally invested one way or the other on the background of a character. I think diversity is important because it's so important to fans under-represented for years. The only time comic fans should ever be angry concerning comic book characters is when Scott Lobdell is shitting all over them.

I wish Aquaman and the Others were a more diverse team but instead they're all the same: boring.

Shouldn't Atlanteans have gills? Do they all die of lung cancer that's similar to the kind you get from asbestos caught in the lungs but they develop it from lungs full of fish poop?

After eleven issues, nobody reading this comic book has any idea who any of the characters really are. They've just been presented as the Atlantean Artifact they use. So in this final issue, we're getting little Narration Boxes provided by Vostok XI to tell us everybody's motivations. Apparently Aquaman is "strong" and "determined" and the "leader of the Others." Prisoner-of-War is "the conscience of the Others." Oh, is he? Is that the role he's been undertaking while either remaining silent or betraying the group? That seems about right.

Last issue, Mayhem launched a nuclear missile that is currently heading towards Spain. But iSpy and the Others are too busy battling Mayhem on an island in the middle of the ocean to try to stop the missile. POW! is all, "Can't you stop it iSpy?" And iSpy is all, "Not without a computer, POW!" And Ya'wara is all, "If only one of us could teleport you to a computer to stop the missile but I guess it's more important to fight this senseless battle with Mayhem who would be trapped on this island if we all just left and who knows what shenanigans they might get up to in that situation so I guess Spain will just have to be obliterated!" And Aquaman nods sagely and says, "It can't be helped."

Except luckily for all of the heroes that have forgotten that they can teleport, Vostok XI is at a computer! He can guide the missile away from Spain to detonate somewhere less harmful like Portugal! But he needs iSpy's help! And iSpy isn't sure he can trust Vostok XI to save the day even though if he doesn't trust him the day won't be saved! So maybe, um, trust him?

iSpy, being old and infirm and having an arthritic grip, drops the Code Sender before he can push the Code Sender Button. But Sayeh, having seen in a vision that he would drop the Code Sender, is nearby to pick it up and send the code herself! If only Maelsrom, the one member of Mayhem that wanted to prevent a catastrophe, wasn't in the way trying to prevent the catastrophe!

How is Sayeh supposed to match up in a fight against supervillains? Doesn't she simply see the future? She's getting her ass kicked out here! Why bring her along?!

Oh, I know why they brought her along! Because she saw in a vision that she was there to save the day so they had to bring her along even though Aquaman was all, "I don't see what you add to this team, Sayeh. Don't you think your outfit is a little too concealing?" No wait. That was Erik Larsen.

Sayeh defeats Maelstrom by telling her she's not living up to her potential. Maelstrom is all, "Oh? Really? Um, okay then! Ta-ta! I'm off to Hollywood!"

Judging by Sayeh's reaction, Maelstrom goes into porn.

Ya'ware cuts the muscles in Stranglehold's arms making her completely useless and then kicks her into the ocean to drown to put her out of her misery. Vostok XI mentions that Ya'wara is "savage" and "barely contained." Barely contained in her bikini, amirite?

Mera defeats some guy named Braze and calls him impotent while she's at because she always goes too far. Ya'wara might have made her opponent impotent and then killed her but at least she didn't call her impotent. There are some lines that just shouldn't be crossed.

Vostok XI forgets that he already did his Narration Box thing on Prisoner-of-War so he spends another page on him. This time he mentions how he's a soldier and how he fights for those soldiers who died around him fighting for justice and peace and freedom and the right for American corporations to engage in a modern version of Manifest Destiny. He beats up NKVDemon because it's symbolic of democracy defeating devils. Or something.

Ha ha! She's right, you know!

Aquaman gets lucky and beats Cheshire because she slips and hits her head on a rock. Maybe he commanded a sea worm to sacrifice itself by getting under her feet so that she'd slip! Clever!

Meanwhile Ya'wara finally remembers that she can teleport and heads to the moon to save Vostok XI who was just sitting there waiting for the nuclear missile he reprogrammed to fall on his head. The missile's nuclear warhead was disarmed so the moon wasn't knocked out of orbit or anything like that which could probably totally happen, right? Instead, the Soviet base was destroyed and The Others all returned to the yacht after leaving Mayhem on the island. Or drowning them. Or putting bullets in their heads. Or taking them to prison. That part is left kind of unclear. Maybe that's some kind of comment on "unclear" being an anagram of "nuclear." Or maybe the kicking and punching is just more important than the justice.

The Others decide it's time to disband for awhile and then they spend five pages waiting for the reader's applause to quiet down before they split up. Vostok XI decides to trade in his space helmet for a motorcycle helmet and travel the world for awhile.

Aquaman and the Others #11 Rating: No change. This entire series was like the hours spent after picking up somebody for a first date and discovering this on their bedroom wall:

Aquaman and the Others #10

Forget the improper sword fighting techniques on display! Check out the over-the-top sexual imagery going on! Mera's head is probably exploding!

Last issue ended with POW! betraying The Others because he's channeling a backstabbing double agent who is working with Mayhem. Mayhem wants to remind the world that nuclear bombs are dangerous because we've all been resting on our post-fall-of-the-Berlin-Wall laurels and have forgotten the terror of the miniseries The Day After. It's incomprehensible to me that millennials have never woken up in terror after having a nightmare where the bombs were launched. I just had one a few months ago, just for old times' sake, I guess. Everybody thought the world was going to become a Road Warrior wasteland after Chernobyl and we didn't even have one-tenth of the fear mongering media sites like we have today playing up disasters like Fukushima. I guess along with access to lots and lots of talking heads screaming about the sky falling, we also have access to lots and lots of real, scientific information. You know, if we want to look for it. Of course, that means we also have access to loads of conspiracy theorists and Web M.D., so we're all actually more terrified than ever!

Modern Citizen: "I wonder why my stomach hurts. Let me check the web."
*Browses for One Minute
Modern Citizen: "Holy fuck I have all the cancers!"

Having access to more information than what local media outlets deign to give you makes for a much better world (at least it does for me! I'm not so sure about some of my high school friends on Facebook. Hoo boy, do they believe some wacky hookey!). When I was growing up in the seventies, one of my greatest fears was the imminent invasion of Killer Bees! It seemed like at least once a month, a local media station would put up a graphic showing North and South America and how far the Killer Bees were encroaching year after year and by which year they would reach Northern California. I simply pictured a wave of man-eating bees devouring everything in their path as they headed north. Terrorism is for Millennials what Killer Bees were for me! After having lived through the Killer Bee scare, I'm not afraid of anything! I've seen what America does to threats. Once they reach our shores and realize the cushy life they can have here, they calm the fuck down and start trying to fit in because Survivor is on! Sure, occasionally you hear about a hive of "Africanized" bees stinging the shit out of some punk fucker that probably deserved it because he was trying to smash a hive with a rock but that's less fear mongering about bees and just more subtle racism to keep everybody afraid of anything being "Africanized," especially your daughters!

This seems like an appropriate time to link to my Jungle Fever theory of The X-Files. Damn. I wrote that fifteen years ago? Fuck you, time! For transparency's sake, I didn't write all of the Bastard's articles. I just wrote this one, the one that deconstructs Rudolph, the one about Survivor, the one about The N-Word, and the one about September 11th. I think those were all of them. Just a word of warning: many of these are superficially offensive due to language, stereotyping, and caricatures. Would I write any of these essays today? Not in the way I presented them back then, no. Am I embarrassed by them? Some of the content. But if I believe in anything (I'm not sure I do, but let's go with it!), I believe in honesty and transparency. Am I proud of them? Definitely. Maybe I'd like to distance myself from all the "retard" stuff. And that N-word sidebar of the Asian woman is rather icky. But isn't fourteen years distance enough? That was a much younger, more passionate, less fearful of internet reprisal version of myself (that was a joke! I still don't fear internet reprisal! You have to be popular to get any of that good stuff!)! I'm more refined now! Shut up! I am too! Anyway, do I still believe the heart of each essay? Yeah, I do. Mostly. Except for that bit about Big Brother being the worst reality television show ever. Fuck I love that show! If you're a lover of fiction and the way character interactions work through shifts of power, how can you not love Big Brother?! It's one of the best fictions on television!

Oh! There's the bullet wound!

Meanwhile on the moon, Vostok XL remembers his childhood less fondly than most people remember their childhood. His childhood wasn't full of Nickelodeon cartoons and action figures and comic books and chasing boys around the playground to punch their smart fucking mouths and not because you had a crush on them like all the teachers thought but because he was a pervy little asshole that doesn't understand personal space.

Thanks for the Vostok XL torturing recap, Maelstrom!

Mayhem decides that their opening move will be launching one of their twelve nuclear missiles into Aquaman and The Others' Yacht Headquarters. That sounds like a great plan! Blow them the fuck out of the world before they get a chance to stop your plans! What supervillain team has ever been so proactive?! Might this be the time when a supervillain team's plan finally comes to fruition because they take the bull by the horns and just blow shit up instead of making speeches and giving the good guys time to beat them?!

Oh. I forgot that missiles and Death Stars can't be activated on command. I guess ignition systems always need a little time to warm up.

Down on the yacht, POW! tries to flee but iSpy stops him because iSpy knew he had been crossing his fingers when he promised not to be double kidding about being their ally. It was so obvious that POW! was just pretending to be the good guy because good guys don't often smash your bedroom door down with an axe and then stick their face inside and go, "Here's Prisoner-of-War!"

It turns out iSpy switched the clip in POW!'s gun so that he was firing blanks. No wonder Ya'wara didn't have any bullet wounds when she was shot at the end of last issue! But she did get hit in the head by that piece of the blank that killed the Crow and that guy from Voyagers! So she still almost died! Plus then she almost drowned which is also a way to die! But Mera saved her life and now everybody is safe again! At least for the next nine minutes.

Instead of trying to swim for his life, POW! tells The Others that Mayhem is going to nuke the ship. Christ! Can't any supervillain ever keep their mouth shut?! You just fucking ruined the entire plan, you goofball!

Oh? This is Aquaman's plan? The whole thing? Who does he think he is? Harvest?!

iSpy, with a little help from the great men and women of the United States Military who are all heroes and I'm a huge fan of them and patriotism and unwavering fealty and all the other stuff I'm supposed to say, drives the backstabbing spirit Korec out of POW!'s life forever. Then iSpy looks at his wrist and says, "Whoa! Times almost up! And who stole my watch?" The next part of the plan is for Ya'wara to put some clothes on. Unless it's for Ya'wara to teleport them all to the moon. One of those.

When Mayhem tries to launch the missile, they discover that the launch codes were actually a virus that begins shutting down their targeting systems. Who cares if the targeting systems get shut down? Without the launch codes, the targeting system won't be any use to Mayhem anyway! Next, Ya'wara appears and she teleports Mayhem to an island where Aquaman waits to beat them all up. But before they teleport away (because I guess it isn't instantaneous when Ya'wara has to teleport people against their will), NKVDemon launches one of the nuclear missiles. But he doesn't have the code! And, um, the targeting systems aren't working!

I bet Vostok XL changes sides in the upcoming fight and saves the day and then everybody begins to respect him! Also, Maelstrom goes, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I just wanted to make the world a better place." And Mera goes, "Even though I know you are looking at my husband like he's a ten inch orange dildo, I think you should join the Others!" And then under her breath she says, "Because they fucking suck dick too."

In the middle of the fight, NKVDemon gloats about the nuclear missile because what fun is blowing up part of the world if nobody knows you're responsible for it?

"I suppose it's possible he guessed the launch codes! Highly improbable but since when has 'highly improbable' ever meant anything to any of us at any time in our lives?! It's like our personal histories have been contrived by some all-knowing, omnipotent God (if that God were stuck in the 1980s, of course)."

Aquaman and the Others #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Here comes the high praise: this issue wasn't nearly as boring as previous issues have been! I think having read two issues of Blue Devil from 1985 just before reading this book made this book feel modern by comparison! And while I can't quite bring myself to say it was "thrilling" or had me on the "edge of my seat," I can say that it "passed the time" and "had Mera in it." Big thumbs up!

Tacoman and the Others #9

Aquaman and the Others #8

I wonder if Geoff Johns is pissed that Dan Jurgens has made sure that nobody will ever want to read another story starring The Others again?

Don't worry, Geoff Johns. The team was a bunch of boring assholes when you decided to create them. I think Dan Jurgens has been doing the best he can do with a team of shitty heroes and Jurgens' inability to write a story that doesn't take place in the eighties. The Others were never going to be a hit with the kids.

Last issue, we learned that the super-villain group Mayhem are squatting in Vostok-X's moonbase and have taken over an ancient Russian satellite with twelve nuclear warheads in it. Now they're going to demand that all the world governments give them everything they want or else they start dropping the nukes! If I was most of the world governments, I'd flip them the bird and say, "Go the fuck ahead! You only have twelve nukes and you know you'd better use them all on America or you cats are fucked." So maybe Mayhem will only actually threaten America. Hmm, that makes more sense.

The other issue The Others need to deal with is that iSpy killed one of POW!'s ghost soldiers. It wasn't on purpose or anything! It was just friendly fire. But now the ghost soldier feels that iSpy should die due to an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny case of manslaughter. How about taking a page out of Jesus Christ's book and forgiving the people that killed you?

Although, Jesus would make a show of forgiving them while dying on the cross since all his disciples were watching. But I bet once he found himself back in Heaven, he was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Ruin their Empire! Destroy their precious works of arts! Destroy them from the inside with our followers and from the outside with heathen beastmen! Do it right now, Daddy, or I'm going to scream!"

Why is it that only the crack is obscene? This would have been enough for my thirteen year old self to jerk off to.

Up on the moon, Cheshire is probably thinking, "How the hell did I get roped into working with these assholes?" I bet she has a contract to kill them all. Probably got the contract from Jonni DC who can't stand KGBeast and NKVDemon are still in continuity. They should have disappeared with the Cold War! Now I'm really wishing that KGBeast had actually died at the hands of Batman like Batman uncharacteristically meant to do. I think. That's second hand knowledge about a story where Batman cut off KGBeast's arm (and look! He's missing his arm!) and left him to die. And then it was just a thing that fans had to accept until some other writer came along and had Batman say something like, "Um, no, no, no! I just had to, um, go get a Bat-tourniquet! You know? And when I got back, he was gone! So I did all I could to save his life after nearly killing him, you know? Come on, guys! I don't kill! Ha. Ha ha! Ha."

The whole point in calling somebody a “loose cannon” is that they can’t be directed, you imbecile!

Cheshire and KGBeast discuss the possible loose cannons in the group when they should be discussing the weak cannon, Maelstrom. She's just in this to make the world a better place! As soon as she realizes these assholes are in this scheme for selfish reasons, she'll turn on them. So Mayhem will probably trap Aquaman and the Others. They'll be about to destroy America if their demands aren't met. And then Maelstrom will sneak off and free Aquaman so that Aquaman can save the day in space like he never does.

And while Mayhem ignores their weak link, Aquaman pisses all over his. He calls Vostok-X a clone one time too many and Vostok-X ditches the team. He heads to the moon to learn more about his past from KGBeast. And to maybe become bait. Or an ally. Or a corpse.

"Concrete blocks as far as the eye can see! Queues stretching as far as the concrete blocks! Everybody craving Levi jeans but nobody owning a pair! Legends of sweet drinks called 'Coke' and 'Pyepsi' filling our peoples with hope!"

iSpy comes up with a plan to retake control of the Russian Nukellite. He, Ya'wara, and POW! will teleport into an old Russian base in the Ural Mountains where they can use the old systems to access the satellite. POW! only comes along to kill iSpy, I'm sure. Which is how the issue ends, with POW!'s ghost in control of his body and trying to strangle iSpy to death while Ya'wara lies crumpled and sexy in the corner.

Aquaman and the Others #8 Rating: No change. It was boring but, for some reason, it didn't bother me as much as it usually does. Perhaps I'm still riding the high of Grayson #5 and I know I have Gotham Academy #3 to look forward to next. Poor Aquaman. Of course when he winds up on a team of heroes, they're just a bunch of jerks more boring than he is. Now I feel bad for Aquaman. Maybe I won't make fun of him when I read his next issue.

Aquaman and the Others #7

Argh! It's that time of month again? Do I have to read this?

DC Comics needs to cancel this book. They're going to do it eventually so why not now while they have all that revenue streaming in from their weekly comic books starring Batman, Replacement Batman, and Future Batman? And while they're at it, they should also cancel Infinity Man and the Forever People because nobody cares about Dan Didio reworking Jack Kirby's old creations; Constantine because having a hobbled Constantine means we don't get the full blown Constantine in Hellblazer (plus the current series has been lacking in a lot of ways); Sinestro because we don't need more Green Lantern books, especially boring as shit ones; Deathstroke because it's going to be painful watching Tony S. Daniel try to write and draw yet another book; New Suicide Squad because they fucked up the Rebooted Reboot immediately with the shitty roster and putting Sage in place above Waller; and Red Hood and the Outlaws. I'm sure a lot of people just punched my imaginary face with their imaginary fist for suggesting that. But you need to kill off this version before you can bring one along that works. Get Lobdell off of the title. Revamp the premise. Then allow Todd, Harper, and Kori to pal around in a book together. And drop that fucking outlaw shit from the title. It reeks of desperation. "Look! Look! They're anti-heroes!" I'm allowing Klarion to not be cancelled because I think Ann Nocenti can do the least harm on that book. Trinity of Sin can have a few more issues to get me interested. And Twat Lobo can stay too because I need a book that's the literature equivalent of going into a closet and whipping myself across the back forty times with a cat o' nine tails. It's what I deserve!

Just to prove that he could make this book more boring and irrelevant, Dan Jurgens has the team battling KGBeast.

Dude, shut up! You're going to ruin it for all of us! I mean, she has the right to dress however she pleases!

Remember how last issue ended with iSpy being thrown from a building, exactly the way no comic book has ever ended before in the history of comic books? I wonder why it's taken so long for a writer to realize how great that cliffhanger is!

Dan Jurgens: "If I end this issue with one of the Others falling off of a building, the readers will be on the edge of their seat for a full month wondering if he'll survive or how he'll get out of it! What could be more intense than a D-list character..."
Geoff Johns: "*AHEM*"
Dan Jurgens: "Um, right...an A-list character possibly falling to their death when the story ends?! The readers will go nuts!"
Aquaman and the Others' Five Readers: *picks up Aquaman and the Others #7*
Aquaman and the Others' Five Readers: *slides Aquaman and the Others #7 to the bottom of the stack*

Vostok-X flies up just in time to catch-X iSpy before he iSplatters all over the ground. They head back up to where KGBeast is waiting to swap KGBoring stories of glory days with Vostok-X. But only if Vostok-X is the Omega. Does he mean the last one? Or would that be the first one in Russian since they have that silly alphabet with all the backwards letters in it.

Yes, I called the Russian alphabet silly! What are they going to do about it? Make a bunch of buildings out of concrete blocks where they'll ration out Kit Kat bars to long queues of people afraid to gossip about Putin's sexuality? I hope nobody in the Portland Russian Mafia reads this blog! Or if they do, I hope they have a good sense of humor and are incapable of telling when people are lying when I tell them this entire paragraph was just a joke! Ha ha! Levity!

Is anybody interested in any of these characters yet?

I know why Aquaman hangs around with The Others. Because he seems exciting and likable by comparison. I don't care about Vostok-X's past because he has yet to interest me on any level. The same goes for all of the other Others as well. Except for Ya'wara. Her butt cheeks are moderately interesting.

Cheshire (or The Leprechaun. How the fuck should I know? iSpy merely calls her "her." That doesn't help!) drops out of the sky to even the odds. But then Aquaman drops out of the sky to uneven the odds right back. I think Mera is flying the warbird that Aquaman drops out of. When did she learn to pilot an aircraft? All those years when she lived in the ocean?

Cheshire, KGBeast, and a new ally of theirs, Maelstrom, escape with iSpy's flash drive full of sensitive information and his Anne of Green Gables fanfiction.

Aquaman and the Others stand around on the rooftop going, "Blah blah blah!" "Oh, blah blah blah blah blah!" "BLAH!" Blah ha ha ha!"

I wish DC would at least include gum with this comic book so I could choke on it and never have to read it again.

Let's take a poll. Hands up, who likes this book? Now look at both of your arms. If either one of them is up in the air, smack yourself in the face with it. Also go run around the neighborhood until you fall and skin your knee because you're obviously not feeling anything on any kind of regular basis. You need a shock to your system! If you know of a beehive nearby, go get stung. That should wake you up.

No! Not Mayhem! That sounds mildly irritating!

Meanwhile Prisoner of War has tea and tells a woman a story about how her husband died. It begins with an explosion in a building and Prisoner of War jumping to the conclusion that it's terrorists. Couldn't it have just been a domestic accident involving a cigarette, a build up of methane, and a toilet? That seems more probable.

The big twist in the story was that this woman's husband was killed in a firefight between KGBeast and iSpy! And it was probably iSpy's bullets that did the killing. Oh the humanitragedy!

Actually, I just finished the book and it definitely was iSpy that killed one of the "ghosts" inside Prisoner of War.

Meanwhile on the moon, Mayhem have taken over Vostok-X's old base! And what a group of super villains it is! Somebody named Brace and Stranglehold. Cheshire and Maelstrom. And KGBeast and NKDemon. And they've got a plan that would make 1980 say, "Really? Really? Are you sure you want to go with that...okay! Okay. Just asking. But I'm telling you, that was tired back when I was alive. Which was, you know, 1980."

Holy fuck. It just got even boringerer.

Aquaman and the Others #7 Rating: Hey Aquaman fans! Stop buying this stupid fucking comic book. You know who the only sane character in this comic book is? Mera! Because she keeps telling Aquaman he shouldn't be hanging around with these assholes.

Along with his run on Superman and Justice League International, this issue makes me believe that Dan Jurgens is some kind of artificial intelligence that was created in the eighties and built without a port for an ethernet cable or a USB. So he only has access to information that existed up until the time he was built and programmed. More evidence to that theory is that his art hasn't changed or grown since the eighties. I know Lan Medina drew this issue! I was talking about other issues, you Sopwith Camel! Anyway, Dan Jurgens, I've discovered your secret! You are a bulky 1980s robot that probably has a light that flashes back and forth across your face for eyes and has probably been programmed to disco dance to Michael Jackson music.

Aquaman and the Others #6

Welcome to the 90s, The Others!

I bet you could replace the punch line of any joke with "Aquaman!" and it would still be funny!

"How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Aquaman!"

Okay, maybe my theory was wrong. But at least I took the time to try one experiment before declaring if it was or wasn't valid. Maybe I just inserted him into the joke poorly. Let me try another one.

Aquaman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you?" Aquaman perks up, excited to finally be recognized, and asks, "You've got a drink called a Big Dumb Stupid Loser Face?"

That joke needs some workshopping but I think it's close!

This issue begins with Aquaman and Mera looking dopey.

They look dopier in the full body shot that left off their feet. But I didn't want to waste the storage space on a full page scan.

The person Aquaman is speaking to is Vostok-XI. But Vostok-XI, being a clone of Vostok-X, still thinks he's Vostok-X. I suppose if he'd been cloned early in Vostok-X's life, he'd think he was Vostok-IX! But Aquaman and the Others, being that they don't live in the Marvel Universe, have not had a lot of experience with clones.

Let's take a quick statistical look at this comic book after three pages, shall we?

Number of Panels: Two.
Number of Seagulls: About thirty-seven.
Idiots That Don't Know Their Roman Numerals: One (at least).
Idiots That Don't Know Their Alphabet: One (at least).
Ya'wara's Butt Cheeks: Zero.
Bored Readers: One that I know of. Actual number probably equal to the number of issues this comic book sold.

iSpy's son, Aaron, is the idiot that doesn't know his alphabet or his Roman Numerals. He thinks that this Vostok, being a clone of Vostok-X, should be called either "Vostok-II" or "Vostok-Z". He's wrong on both counts!

Anyway, who is Vostok-X?! I hope this doesn't turn into a five part story to find out because I don't really care! He's a Russian guy with a magic helmet that lives on the moon. So what if there are two of them? Or were two of them. Just pretend this guy is the real one and get on with telling another story in which he dies. Aquaman decides a replacement copy of an old friend is just about as good as having the old friend back and that's good enough for The Others.

Cool kids? What cool kids? Where?

Aquaman shows Mera just how deluded he is when he tells her that the world needs The Others. Why? What have they ever done to help save the world? I think they hunted down Black Manta and pissed him off which eventually got two of them killed. And they battled a guy that only wanted back the antiquities they stole from him. I think what Aquaman meant to say was that Dan Jurgens needs them or else he isn't going to be getting much of a paycheck from DC.

Four more pages in and the Seagull Count has increased by about 34 more!

Ya'wara and Sayeh head to Tehran where the number one concern is that Ya'wara not go outside because she's practically naked and she'll inadvertently give all the Iranian men boners and then they'll have to stone her for being a vile temptress. Unless the main concern with her roaming the streets is that she's wearing two big daggers on her hips.

A lot of other boring stuff happens and there are more seagulls. And then something less boring happens! Unless it's more boring? I can't tell. Anyway, it's different.

Dan Jurgens was only allowed access to the most boring and inconsequential villains of the DC Universe.

KGBeast isn't alone. He's working with a woman in green. She's probably The Leprechaun and her main concern is a united, peaceful, powerful Ireland. They're probably in a group with other Nation-themed villains called The United Nations of Pain! KGBeast tosses iSpy off of the roof of a building because a comic book hasn't ended with the hero falling to their inevitable deaths in over a month! Mostly due to the Futures End issues not having cliffhangers.

Aquaman and the Others #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is so fucking boring I might actually stop reading one of DC's New 52 soon.

Aquaman and the Others #5

Legend is so old he's basically just sentient dust.

This comic book is so uninteresting that people aren't even interested in reading my hilariously biting commentary on it! Emphasis on the hilarious! Instead of commenting on this comic book, I should comment on my commentary of this comic book! No wait. That would mean I'd have to write two commentaries. I don't even want to write one commentary on this comic book! Whenever I write about Aquaman, somebody always has to point out how I don't get the character and how he's so much more than a fish rapist pervert manipulative asshole!

Fictional characters can't sue you for libel, right? But if they can, is anybody willing to dress up like Aquaman and fuck a fish so I can get it on video to prove that I wasn't being libelous? It would also help if you were a lawyer that could defend me in the fraud case that happens after I try to use the fish fucking video in court.

Last issue, Legend accidentally let it slip that his armor was the only thing keeping him alive. This issue, I can't imagine how the Others will defeat Legend! Hmm, I thought those two statements were going to have more in common than they wound up having. Oh well!

Jesus, dude! Did you ever take a high school English class? Show don't tell! Get on with it already!

Is that all it would take for a super villain to finally be successful? Take one high school English class? Learn to just fucking do it instead of talking about doing it? I think I might be a super villain! I love talking about all the things I plan to do but never have time to do because giant robots need to be shot down on the Xbox.

One of Legend's descendants (the male one. The one with the name I can't remember because he's boring?) suggests they begin the ritual before something happens. He probably should have made the suggestion earlier because something happens. That something is Vostok XI and Ya'wara return from the moon with the last of the stolen gold. I guess that could be a good thing that happens since Legend probably needs Vostok's helmet for his Golden Helmet and Ya'wara's orb to for his Golden Codpiece. More likely it's a bad thing and Legend is about to get his ass kicked.

It seems like I've only commented on a small portion of the comic book so far, but it's already halfway over! I guess if I wrote a paragraph describing Ya'wara's butt-cheeks every time they appear, this commentary would be twenty pages long by now.

These thugs are so bad at their jobs that The Others don't even have to pay attention as they beat the thugs senseless.

Aquaman is tossed into the pool with the Relics and he's healed. Maybe he's immortal now! Ugh, I hope not.

Oh look! There's old what's-his-name trying to hurry the plan along again! Shut up, dummy!

Poor Hurry-It-Along takes two bullets to the chest from iSpy because Legend couldn't get his act together. This is what happens when you dilly-dally, children! Or what happens when your parents dilly-dally. So make sure your parents aren't complete fuckups that procrastinate when it comes to just about everything, like saving for your college or killing the good guys that are trying to thwart their villainous plans.

Aquaman returns to end it all by stabbing Legend in the chest with his trident and turning him into a pile of dust. Just like on the cover! So wait. I didn't have to purchase this comic book at all? The big climactic moment was right there on the cover? What the fuck?! I wish I'd gotten the Selfie Variant!

After the battle, Aquaman and the Others determine that Vostok is a clown and tell him so right to his face. It's kind of rude. He denies it but I think being a clown in Russia is a good thing. At least according to Billy Joel.

Bye!

Aquaman and The Others #5 Rating: No change. The issue ends with Sky giving the Seal of Clarity to Kahina's sister and Vostok XI taking the place of Vostok X. I suppose Sky will remain with The Others since she and iSpy's grandson have some kind of romantic something or other happening between them. Plus she has the Land of the Dead power which I should probably sue her over since that was Super Mummy's super power! Oh, you don't know who Super Mummy was? Well, that doesn't mean Dan Jurgens can go around stealing my ideas even though nobody knows about them! I shouldn't have put them on the internet! Fucking thieves!

Aquaman and the Others #4

The Gloved Mist!

Last issue ended with the seeming death of Aquaman! This issue begins with Aquaman looking just fine right there on the cover. I didn't even have to buy the issue to find out if he actually survived! If I were DC, I would have kept him off the cover of Issue #4 and simply called it "The Others." That would have kept fans guessing! I bet even more people would have purchased the comic book too because they'd look at the cover and think, "Cool! Another comic book that doesn't star Aquaman! This should be much better than any book that does star Aquaman!"

This issue is part IV of V. That means there are, what? X issues left?

It must be confusing to learn Roman Numerals and Algebra at the same time. Why am I trying to figure out what X equals?! It's ten!

Now that the Super Bowl is going to stop using Roman Numerals, how are Americans going to learn them?!

Nothing Legend says makes sense. I think that's his super power.

Now that Aquaman has been stabbed but is not yet dead, Legend pulls out the trident and stands around while Sayeh and Aaron put pressure on his wound and try to keep him alive. They're not even worried about the big guy in weird armor that just tried to kill Aquaman who is standing behind them calmly now. I guess since Sayeh didn't have a vision of Legend killing either of them, they have nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, Legend just wants Ya'wara to appear to save Aquaman with her Globe of Transportation so he can steal it from her. Sorry, so he can reclaim that which was once his.

Too bad for Legend, Ya'wara is busy running errands for Vostok-10 and Kahina in the Land of the Dead.

"While we're waiting for the last couple of relics to appear, let me tell you my secret weakness!"

Is it better for a comic book to have the bad guy explain how he can be defeated so that the good guys can defeat him, or would it be better to have the good guys defeat him and afterward have one of them explain how they deduced he could be defeated? I wish more Sherlock Holmes stories had the culprit bragging to Sherlock about how they did it so that Sherlock can catch them and then everybody would be all, "How'd you crack the case, Mr. Holmes?!" And he'd be all, "Elocutionary, dear Watson. Elocutionary." Or whatever.

The stories of Sherlock Holmes were written to be pure homoerotica, right? Was I reading them correctly?

Legend tells even more of his story to ensure that defeating him is easy. The magic is wearing down in his suit of armor and he'll be dead soon if he doesn't forge a new suit of armor out of the Relics' gold. Then he'll be immortal! And ostentatious!

Quit whining! He's only half dead! Take off his pants and get busy. But you probably need to hurry or it's going to get really weird.

While Ya'wara fucks around in the Land of the Dead, iSpy, Sky, and G.I. P.O.W. (GI POW! The lamest American hero!) arrive to save Aquaman's life! While The Others distract Legend and his greatest grandson, GI POW goes to work on saving Aquaman's life.

"Don't worry! I'm not a medic but my imaginary friend is!"

Apparently Smitty the Imaginary Medic advises GI POW to sew up the holes in Aquaman's stomach without worrying about patching up any of his internal organs. I guess the chainmail kept anything serious from being punctured. But if that were the case, why is Aquaman bleeding out from a few holes in his tum-tum?

Ya'wara finally returns from the Land of the Dead. She probably arrived near the other Relics since Legend's greatest granddaughter took them to melt them down. When Ya'wara arrives, she's beset upon by Russian robots that probably wanted to call her a trespasser but the Russian word was too big so they just went with calling her a "violator" or a "breaker" or something. Who knows? I don't speak robot Russian!

Actually, Ya'wara is on the moon in Vostok-Ten's old moon base. I think he took over Eclipso's old haunt once Eclipso realized that the Dark Side of the Moon didn't mean what he thought it meant. She explores for a bit until she discovers the person on the cover.

Except this person doesn't have gloves. And Aquaman isn't here. So maybe this isn't the new teammate seen on the cover! Although this is the last page of the comic book. Comic books are confusing!

At least now we know the "X" in Vostok-X actually was a Roman Numeral! Meet Vostok-II! I mean, Vostok-IX! Or is it Vostok-MM? Fuck it! I'm just calling this guy Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Vostok! Or just Son of Vostok, for sanity's sake.

Aquaman and the Others #4 Rating: No change. I did enjoy this issue more than any of the others! I don't know why though. I think reviewers are supposed to know why something is good or bad or better or worse. But it's possible that this issue was no better than any of the others and I was just in a better mood! Now that's an honest review!

Aquaman and the Others #3

Hopefully the legend is Aquaman and we'll find out the answer to this question!

Americans are a population that loves to believe in grand ideologies no matter what the cost in reality or the logic behind the ideals. So they believe in an omnipotent creator that loves His creation and judges them harshly and never actually makes any public appearances. They'll go on and on about how soldiers are heroes protecting their freedoms while ignoring the evidence that the soldiers are actually just tools of a Corporatocracy. They also believe that conviction means shouting their side of any debate and pointing out how idiotic the other side is. But I think it's time to test the conviction of the American people because I just woke up to another school shooting and wasn't fazed in the slightest.

I think it's time gun advocates stand up and show how much they believe in the need for guns. It's time for them to be willing to die for their beliefs because they sure as shit don't mind if other people die for their beliefs. Here's my suggestion: when a gun is used to kill another person, not only is the person that shot the gun responsible for the death of the victim but also the last owner of the gun. If the gun actually belonged to the shooter and the shooter purchased the gun in a private sale, the person that sold the gun to the shooter should also be held responsible for the murder. If the gun was purchased legally through a gun store following all laws put into place for the sale of guns, that gun store should merely be fined. I don't know how much they should be fined since I've never been able to put a price on human life in the way the NRA has. So let the NRA figure out the fine. Although if they were in charge, they'd probably decide life was worth about a buck fifty. So maybe someone else.

When I say the owner or seller of the gun should be responsible as well, it means they should wind up with whatever punishment the shooter receives without the benefit of trial. Now if the shooter is killed during the crime, the owner of the gun or previous seller should also be killed. It might sound harsh but this is about conviction and belief. Gun advocates believe Americans are safer with lots and lots of guns. Are they willing to die for that belief? If they aren't, I don't think they truly believe it and we should do away with all guns. I'm not saying we should get rid of all guns though. Let's try out my system first! Let people have guns! Bear arms motherfuckers! But if you think they're so safe, stand by your belief. If you think you aren't putting anybody's life in danger with your gun, why not back up a law that makes you as responsible as a person that winds up killing with your gun? If you believe you have the right to sell your gun to whoever the fuck you want, you should be responsible if the person you decided was fit enough to own the gun turns out not to be so responsible.

I'm sure some gun owners would balk at the idea that their gun might be stolen and used in a crime and then they'd be a victim. But you have control of that gun, right? You've chosen to take that risk. You know who hasn't chosen to take the risk of being shot with that gun? Every-fucking-body else. I'm not saying we should take away all guns (although look at this country. I think we probably should seriously consider it. We're just not responsible enough). This is a brilliant solution because it would make gun owners extremely cautious because now their lives are also at risk if any bullshit shenanigans take place with the firearms they're keeping for their protection. Or for hunting. Or, you know, for just going down to the local gravel pit and turning some targets into confetti. Whatever!

Poor Aquaman! The last time I commented on gun violence was way back when that little incident at Sandy Hook happened and I did the commenting in Aquaman #12. Remember how barely anything happened at Sandy Hook? Not even worth remembering, apparently. Since, you know, nothing fucking changed because Americans are cold-hearted bastards that don't actually fucking care about their fellow citizens. Sure, they'll make sure to thank a military person for their service and maybe wave a flag or something, but fuck putting any other effort into freedom. That's what those jarheads are getting paid for! Keep me free, motherfuckers! I've got a gun to clean!

You know what's a bigger issue than what America is going to do with its guns? The name of this comic book. How the fuck do you name a team "the Others" and decide you've done your best? How many dicks is Geoff Johns sucking so that he doesn't have to follow any rules or put any effort into anything he does?!

The last issue, Ya'wara was consumed with doing nothing but saving Sayeh. But this month, she'll throw Sayeh's life away in a heartbeat!

Darya transforms Tomo into a monstrous cat beast and takes control of it. At least that's what the story wants you to believe even if the person speaking and doing the transformation and saying "Sorry, kitty" is actually Sky Alchesay of The Others. But don't worry, DC! I don't think very many people pay close attention to the comic books they read. Also, I don't think very many people are reading this comic book!

After The Operative puts a bullet in Tomo's head instead of putting a bullet in Darya's head, Darya transports everybody back to her and her brother's castle. It's time to either fight or negotiate terms on the return of The Others' relics to their rightful owners.

So you found a thing and now find it unbelievable that perhaps that thing was actually owned by someone else?

Aquaman doesn't really care about the question of ownership since he has some fairly good evidence that they belong to Atlantis and Atlanteans. How could Arthur know that the legitimacy of ownership goes back even further than when Atlantis got their hands on the gold? Sure, if he decided to have an actual discussion about the items, he might discover the truth. Instead, he decides to threaten the Solokov twins if they don't simply do things his way. I think this is where the game show announcer whispers, "The password is...impasse."

Well you see, the strap-on buckles around the waist and each thigh. Then the water guy bends over and grabs his ankles while the jungle girl pounds him into fish paste.

At this point, Aquaman and the Others split up into three groups to explore the castle and search for Sayeh. I think a more pressing concern would be subduing Darya and Anton since they know where Sayeh is and can teleport. So if they want, they can just go kill her at any moment while The Others stumble around the dark castle without any clues directing their search. But then I'm not a fly by the seat of my leotards superhero! I think things through! I never would have wound up in Trezygstan in the first place! I would have said, "Wait a minute. Aren't there people that have decided to risk their lives for other people's freedom? Shouldn't we get them to rescue Sayeh? And barring that, doesn't Aquaman have Superman's phone number?"

Meanwhile, Prisoner of War is bitching for reasons that I misunderstood. I thought he was upset that the original owners of the gold were still looking for his manacles. Turns out, he's pissed that Aquaman considers them property of Atlantis and they're just on loan to The Others. I think that's a fair beef to bring up. Just because the treasures were found in an Atlantean King's tomb doesn't give Aquaman the right to claim all of the treasure. Equal shares, buddy!

And then the voice in the pool finally makes an appearance even though I wasn't expecting it to make an appearance because I just thought it was a voice in a pool.

I guess I could have just said it's the guy from the cover instead of scanning this picture.

Legend calmly drops the fact that he's thousands of years old and that his father was the original owner of the gold which was turned into relics by Atlan. This causes The Operative's son to call Legend "Don Quixote" as an insult. I don't get it! Admittedly, I have never gotten more than one hundred pages through Don Quixote so I might be missing the link that causes Aaron to associate Legend with Don Quixote.

Meanwhile in Sky's Land of the Dead, Ya'wara (who was sent there to protect her as the other Others all fell to the Solokov siblings) meets up with Kahina and Vostok. They have a special mission for her but since this comic book is quickly running out of pages and Jurgens still has to try to convince us readers that he's killed Aquaman, Vostok doesn't get around to explaining the mission this month.

There it is! Just in time as the comic ran out of panels!

Aquaman and the Others #3 Rating: No change. I think this is the kind of comic book I would have enjoyed before the British Invasion swept in and changed everything forever. Except I don't know how Legend's father was avenged by stabbing Aquaman in the stomach with the gold stolen by Atlan. Arthur's ancestor was no friend of Atlan either! He betrayed the fuck out of him and took everything that ever belonged to him ever! Aquaman and Legend should have had a few beers and exchanged stories about how awful Atlan was instead of fighting with each other.

It's also possible I'm misremembering the history on the fall of Atlantis! I should probably try to pay more attention to even the comic books that I don't really want to pay much attention to. I never was very studious.