Justice League #11

Oh boy. It's time for Bryan Hitch's take on the already told way too many times Amazo versus the Justice League story!

Amazo has the powers of the entire Justice League but has he ever used Aquaman's powers? Why would he need to? The League probably just assumes Amazo has Aquaman's powers for the sake of Aquaman's pride.

Superman: "Great Caesar's cow patties! Amazo is too fast utilizing Flash's speed!"
Wonder Woman: "And my punches can't get through his Green Lantern shielding!"
Batman: "Watch out for his Superman heat vision!"
Aquaman: "He's deflecting all the shrimp I throw at him with Wonder Woman's projectile deflection thing she does!"
Cyborg: "Oh, um, I hope he doesn't, um, you know, call forth some sharks or something with his Aquaman fish ta...."
The Flash: "Telekinesis! His sea creature telekinesis! He's tough enough without that super scary thing happening!"
Jessica Cruz: "What are you guys talking about? We're in Colorado! Who cares if he even has Aqua-powers!"
Simon Baz: "Yeah! I mean, why did we even bring Aquaman on this mission?"
Aquaman: *tears silently run down his face*

The best part about having Aquaman on the Justice League is when they go into space and the writer desperately searches for something he can add to the story so they usually have him communicate with the aliens because they have gills or fins on their heads or something. He's really just Justice League eye candy, isn't he?

The Justice League have been attacked in a neighborhood in Denver. Last issue, Batman mentioned they should probably take the fight elsewhere but do they even try? No. They just decide destroying the neighborhood and putting more people at risk as they fight to defend their lives is justified. They're as terrible as the Teen Titans.

This whole thing about collateral damage from super hero battles shouldn't even be a talking point. But because heroes no longer battle alien menaces or threats to the public safety and only seem to battle antagonists bent on destroying them, all collateral damage subsequently becomes the fault of the heroes simply existing. Why hasn't Batman created an Excel spreadsheet to calculate the pros and cons of the Justice League remaining in operation? I suppose he already has and just hit delete after realizing there was no way they were really protecting anybody. Superman alone should pull a Doctor Manhattan and just go live on Mars due to the multiple times he's been manipulated by super villains and threatened the world himself.

Why did bad writers have to make me so cynical of superhero comic books?! Fuck them all!

For one sweet second, I thought Maps Mizoguchi was working with the Justice League!

Yeah Flash! Evac the houses because the Justice League are about to set this fucking neighborhood on fire! No wonder Batman thought it was a logical when he believed a collateral damage victim had turned into a supervillain.

Scarecrow has decided to add a dance routine to his villainous monologue.

The guy in the background, James Palmer, knocks Scarecrow out with a baseball bat because he's afraid of losing his kids. Once Scarecrow is unconscious, his fear gas stops working and Batman comes to his senses. Unless Batman was just faking so James Palmer could find the hero within him! That's probably what was happening. I'd hate to think Bryan Hitch didn't know what he was doing.

While the Fearsome Five discover the Genie AI, The Flash has become The Midnighter. He's calculating odds and running scenarios and seeing patterns and figuring shit out because his brain works so fast. Barry decides the biggest threat is Major Disaster because he's forgotten that Amazo has shown up.

Probably?

The Flash decides to stop Major Disaster by knocking an unconscious Giganta on top of him. But if he still has his force field, it's not like that's going to put him out of commission. He can still think about making natural disasters while under Giganta's ass! Oh. I see. He's probably masturbating now. Good work, Flash!

Superman hasn't responded to help the Justice League because he's dealing with a Phantom Zone breakout. Apparently Genie did that too. Maybe Superman shouldn't keep the Phantom Zone attached to his wi-fi? Oh, you know what? It was probably hacked by the malicious code that was programmed onto photons and so invaded every single thing ever.

After a couple issues of fighting, the entire neighborhood is destroyed and not one villain is out of commission. Instead, they've got the Justice League and the Palmer family surrounded and they're ready to take Lily and her uPad with the Genie AI. Amazo has, frankly, not been a factor even though he was the big cliffhanger plot point at the end of the last issue. This is one of those situations where there's only one chance left!

This ten year old is as smart as Batman. Fuck you, DC Universe.

Lily hacks Amazo and turns him against the other villains, defeating them all instantly. So, um, Amazo is better with the Justice League's powers than the Justice League is? Batman awkwardly hides his sidekick boner while Alfred reacts to the "Sidekick Boner Alarm" he installed in Batman's underwear by preparing a speech to convince Batman that he's already put enough children in danger.

Alfred's speech had better be a doozy.

The Ranking!
-1! My favorite part of this story is how Lily, who really should know nothing about Amazo, comes up with a plan to hack Amazo at the same time Batman does. Isn't she just a precocious little precious ball of genius?! Apparently DC's favorite deus ex machina is young people. They can fucking do anything in the DC Universe! Fuck all that technobabble that used to be needed to explain away the science which saved the world. Now just introduce a teenager or pre-teen character who is labelled a genius and let them do whatever needs doing. Totally fucking believable and not overdone in any way at all. Just all around great character building!

Justice League #10

Batman about to punch the fuck out of that giant fist.

Why is this story called "Outbreak"? It has yet to feature one diseased monkey who spreads the virus all over the...oh. Oh shit, Hitch. That's fucking racist, dude.

It seemed like the story was winding down last issue because Batman figured out the source of the virus and it was just some guy named James Palmer whose wife was killed in the Kindred's attack on Earth. Thankfully, she was the only victim of that attack or else the Justice League would be battling hundreds or thousands of angry widows and widowers. But since he's just some hacker, I would have thought the Justice League showing up at his door to arrest him would be the end of the story. Since it wasn't, I figured this issue would be about the Justice League apologizing to him and getting him to see things from their point of view and hopefully arresting him anyway and calling child services to remove the kids from the house. But since this cover shows a giant fist trying to crush the shit out of the Justice League, it looks like James Palmer isn't going down that easy. He also goes by the nickname Jesse James (or James Jesse?) so maybe he's the Rebirthed Trickster. Or Team Rocket.

James Palmer acts like he doesn't know what's going on so maybe this whole widower's revenge thing has been a red herring. Maybe somebody just stole his code and used him as a patsy to get even with the Justice League. Maybe James Palmer should be throwing his daughter under the bus because she probably stole her father's code and manipulated it to destroy the Justice League using her iPad! I mean her uSphere! uPad? I know it seems implausible (like, you know, the rest of the story) but DC loves its super genius young people! Typically, young people are running around smoking to show off in front of their peers and finger banging each other in the snack bar at the roller rink. But not in the DC Universe! Here they're solving unsolvable math problems and building impossible technology in their basements!

If it does turn out James Palmer didn't release the malicious code into the world on photons, then he definitely was jerking off to violent porn in the garage.

Need somebody to gossip? How about an unflattering drawing of some women?

James Palmer asks the Justice League why they're visiting him and none of them say, "We just wanted to offer our condolences and apologize (even though we shouldn't have to) for not being able to save your wife. I mean, we saved over six billion people so, mathematically, we saved 100% of the people on Earth, you know?" Instead, Batman says, "We were attacked and we're not going to stand for it!"

James Palmer admits that he was going to engage in cyber-crime and steal from LexCorps and Wayne Industries so he'd have money to help the victims of the Kindred attack. Wonder Woman is all, "He's telling the truth. Just look at him. You think this jerk could have programmed photons? No fucking way. We're looking for somebody from Apocalypse! Probably."

Half of the Justice League is truly perplexed that James Palmer isn't angry at the Justice League for the death of his wife. They really have a skewed perception of the world, thanks to terrible writers. Hell, even generally good writers fall for that bullshit. Check out the ending of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl #1 for some really stupid blaming the hero bullshit.

I guess Lily isn't into being finger banged down at the roller rink.

I bet the more Lily talked about her genius, the bigger Batman's sidekick boner grew.

I don't want a program like Genie. I want a site where you simply enter in the object you want and it mysteriously gets delivered to your house, no questions asked. I'd call it Monkey's Paw and nothing could possibly go wrong at all!

The Genie App was on Lily's uPad and being used by her little brother because it was his only friend. Has this story just been some kind of Freudian parable? James Palmer is the superego, Lily is the ego, and Bobby is the id? The Genie App is the body acting out the wishes of the subconscious which causes a lot of trouble since it's acting out on the id's wishes. Not that the id knows what it's asking Genie to do, of course. It's just hurt and angry and overriding the social mores of the superego and the common sense of the ego. And Lily obviously stole the code from her father due to her raging penis envy.

Genie is still playing the game so somebody needs to teach it Tic Tac Toe before it sends Amazo or the Shaggy Man to destroy them all.

Instead of just hacking some of Professor Ivo's robots, Genie offers the combined fortunes of Luthor and Wayne to any villain that can destroy the Justice League. Most villains know they can't destroy the Justice League but the dumber ones will probably respond to this challenge. At least the ones that aren't in jail after having responded to Two-Face's challenge to kill just Batman for a ton of money.

Double Down attacks first which is super exciting because who? I mean, I remember, vaguely, making fun of his name in some previous comic book. I think he pulls cards out of his skin or something just as gross. Next up is Giganta which means this neighborhood is fucked. That's what happens when superheroes come to your neighborhood in the DC Universe. They simply make it more dangerous! They're like guns. They offer the illusion of safety but are rarely needed and actually just increase the chances of somebody getting hurt or killed.

Giganta is knocked down and the Justice League begin fighting the new assailants from the safety of her crotch.

The villains who are willing to throw their freedom away for the chance at 750 billion dollars are Double Down, Giganta, Count Vertigo, Gizmo, Plastique, Girder, Psimon, Coldsnap and Heatstroke, Jinx, Mammoth, Major Disaster, and Shimmer. I suppose I could have shortened part of that list by just saying The Fearsome Five and part of the Masters of Disaster.

Batman takes the family inside the house to keep them safe and promptly fails because the Scarecrow was waiting inside for them. How the Scarecrow got here so quickly, I can only guess. Maybe he has a Scarecrow Plane called The Raven? Or the Fear Jet? Oh, and that whole list of villains I mentioned who received a double splash page to make things seem exciting and tense? They're defeated off-panel immediately because there's only one page left and the real threat needs to be introduced for the next issue: Amazo!

This neighborhood is fucked. It looks like there will be more civilians looking to get revenge on the Justice League soon!

The Ranking
No change. On the page opposite the Amazo reveal is an advert for the Rebirth Justice League trade by Bryan Hitch. The first review blurb by IGN says, "Some really thrilling artwork that establishes incredible scope and danger." You know what that's code for: "We couldn't think of anything positive to say about Bryan Hitch's terrible writing but the art is well done!" And since the art is by Tony S. Daniel, I imagine "establishes incredible scope and danger" is actually code for "two or three huge double splash pages!"

Justice League #9

Barry and Diana take in the sites in San Francisco.

My favorite place to visit in San Francisco is the Ripley's Believe It or Not! Museum. Where else in the world can you wander musty halls looking at newspaper clippings stapled to the wall that describe the most fantastic people and events and ask you, without any more proof, to believe it or not! I think some people treat places like Natural History Museums this same way! Hell, they treat reality this way! "Let's see. I'll believe the article from a fringe conspiracy site which, if I look around the web, has been copy and pasted with all of the same exact typos to dozens of different 'news' sites but I'm not going to believe an article with references and sources because it's totally biased and shit." Fuck you.

Batman and Alfred begin working on identifying where the malicious code came from. I don't want to criticize Batman but there's surely an easier way to figure out who has attacked the Justice League without rooting through computer code. You know that the last tragedy the Justice League prevented from destroying the world resulted in one death. And you know how people always blame the person who didn't save their dead family member instead of blaming the thing that caused the death, right? Well shit! It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes' stupid, younger, rarely heard of brother to figure this case out! Go to Denver and start beating the shit out of Diane Palmer's husband! Or daughter, maybe? One of them, for sure though!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, Simon Baz's ring is kicking everybody's ass. While Aquaman is being killed by it, he mutters, "Never would have happened to Jordan." I'm not going to do the research on this but I'm willing to bet it, and worse, has happened to Jordan! He's been around for too long not to have had some shitty ass writer write this same exact story previously! Plus, Jordan is so cocky that he probably once dared some evil mastermind to hack his ring and then his ring was hacked and he was all, "Oops!" And Barry was probably in the background muttering, "Never would have happened to Guy Gardner."

These assholes were more destructive than the Kindred!

The damage in the above scan is just the beginning. Simon's ring knocks him the fuck out with one punch from a light construct boxing glove and the ring begins flipping the fuck out again. Aquaman's big suggestion is to run because...well, because he's Aquaman and he sucks.

How cute. Look at Bryan Hitch trying to do the science!

While The Flash outraces the light construct Omega Beams, Aquaman goes underwater to make the sea life battle for him. They probably win or something because who cares? Aquaman is the worst.

I guess Superman is on vacation with Lois at the Hoover Dam? I suppose nobody has contacted him for help. It's not like Batman would call him. And Batman isn't even worried about the rest of the team having to battle a Green Lantern ring. He's too busy trying to trace the source of the code.

Batman figures out the source of the code before Alfred can even finish making tea. You'll be completely surprised by the culprit: Diane Palmer's husband, James!

It isn't logical at all! Not at all! FUCK YOU!

How fucking sad is it that I knew who the culprit was after reading the first page of this story arc? Fuck you idiot writers with this whole blame the heroes for not saving somebody killed by a villain. Just eat a dick. Unless you enjoy eating dick and then eat some dog shit.

I suppose there might be a few writers at DC who enjoy eating both dick and dog shit but I figure those two choices probably cover a substantial amount of them.

Cyborg kills himself which allows him to reboot without the malicious code. Because that totally works on other machines. Sometimes when my computer is running super slow because I've looked at so much Dark Net Porn that it's absolutely riddled with viruses, I just reboot and everything is okay. Maybe what Cyborg did was more akin to reinstalling the operating system? It's the same thing that happens to the Green Lantern ring although I don't know why. Flash's idea to stop the ring is to attack Simon with deadly force so that the ring would reboot to factory settings which destroys the code and saves Simon's life! Somehow.

Now I want to read a murder mystery written by Bryan Hitch because he seemingly has no idea how to write a story using cause and effect. I think he just gets an idea for a bad thing to happen and then makes up a stupid way for that bad thing to be introduced. Then he writes some dramatic action scenes until the page count is almost over and then he comes up with a stupid thing which saves the day but makes no sense and can be explained by an analogy that has no relationship to the event. Then he has a self-congratulatory jerk off while lying on his back and tries to catch his load in his own mouth.

After Simon's ring is defeated by nonsense, the Justice League head to Denver to have a word with James Palmer. Maybe two words! Two words and six middle fingers!

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! Bryan Hitch is terrible and this story is his worst so far. Maybe his editors are worse because it really isn't Bryan Hitch's responsibility to know how many times the Justice League has had to battle a family member of a victim who blame the Justice League! But somebody should have been, "You know. We really already had this story in the last five years with the David Graves story. And then there was the Superman and Wonder Woman story with Magog that nobody probably remembers. And, I mean, even if you have Batman saying that blaming the heroes who failed to save a loved one is logical, it very fucking well isn't at all. So stop this stupid bullshit and write something original and interesting! Plus get off of that glory hole; you've been bogarting it for like ever, Bryan!"

Justice League #8

Fucking scofflaw.

Who at DC Comics was reading Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America and thought, "Fucking hell! This is our guy for the biweekly Justice League Rebirth series! Speaking of Hitch's Justice League, is he ever going to finish the Justice League of America story? Somebody call Bedard and get him to work on fixing that crap." To be fair, I don't think this comic book has been late yet. To be less than fair, I haven't been keeping track and don't actually know if that's the case. I should probably do some research to back up my opinions seeing as how this is still, technically, a Pre-Trump society. I can't wait until January 20th when I never again have to back up my ignorant assumptions and speculative conclusions with actual facts! Apparently all I need to do is photoshop some crazy memes to defend everything I say.

The issue begins with Cyborg upset that they couldn't save everybody from the alien invasion which happened in the first story arc. He shouldn't blame himself though. He should blame shitty writers who need to make every threat an End of the World scenario. In those cases, the Justice League can only react, save as many people as possible, and end eventually end the threat after massive destruction. That massive destruction is important for the writer to show that the threat was serious! But imagine if the writer could show that the threat was serious before it got to Earth and then had the Justice League struggling to stop the threat before it destroyed any city on Earth. That would show how heroic the team really was without having to stick in bullshit moments like this where Cyborg thinks about how the Justice League are actually just huge failures.

Cyborg should also be putting the families of every victim on a Super-Villain Watchlist because you know at least a few of them are going to blame the Justice League for not saving every single life and they'll dedicate themselves to the destruction of the League. Maybe he's not doing that because Batman already whipped up the spreadsheet and purchased the bugs and cameras for the vicims' houses.

This issue is called "Outbreak" so it looks like the beginning of the next story will be Cyborg thinking about how the Justice League couldn't save everybody. Again.

Oh, excuse me. On the second page, the news notes that Diane Palmer was the only fatality of the Kindred's attack. Well, holy fuck. What the fucking bullshit hell are you whinging on about then, Cyborg?! Because by any stretch of the imagination, if only one person died during the destruction shown in the Kindred story, you should be fucking high-fiving Batman! I mean, attempting to high-five Batman as he stares you down with his Bat-Death-Stare. Like me, he only high-fives children under six years of age. Everybody else, we just leave hanging, bitches.

So only one person died. Remember the surname "Palmer" for future reference. Because somebody named Palmer is going to blame the Justice League for his or her wife's/mother's/daughter's/sister's death and they're going to be coming for the Justice League!

You know what? I'm not even going to attribute Diane Palmer's death to the Kindred's attack! If the Justice League were able to save everybody else around the world from the strongest earthquakes ever felt all happening at the same time when even earthquakes that would barely stop a Californian from complaining about their name being misspelled on a Starbuck's coffee cup kill thousands of people in other places around the world, how is it that Diane Palmer managed to die? It's such an anomaly that I can't believe the Justice League wouldn't have been able to save her too. I think she probably broke her neck falling down after jumping for joy due to surviving the attack. The Justice League can't be expected to save every klutz in the world from accidentally killing themselves!

This is terrible math. Superman giving up his life to save one person? That's an incalculable net loss to the good in the world. Regular people should heroically refuse to let a superhero die for them and take the bullet instead! What was Diane Palmer ever going to do for the world? Pay for the McDonald's meal of the person in the car behind her in the drive-thru and brag about it on Facebook? Shit, now I'm glad she's dead!

Cyborg is busy spying on the entire world in the Watchtower when he has a really profound thought. He's all, "I can hear something, like a background noise in the live feed." Then, dramatically, he stops. He cocks his head a bit to the side while looking a bit confused. Then his eyes grow wide and he says, "No! Not a background noise...it's more like a foreground image!" Whoa! Mind fucking blown, man! It's not a noise at all! And it's not even in the background! IT WAS AN IMAGE IN THE FOREGROUND ALL ALONG! Fucking Hitchcock is probably masturbating in Hell over this right now and muttering, "That could have been the premise to the sequel to The Birds! I'm such a fucking idiot! Du dun duh duh duh duh duh dun dun dun."

Cyborg has noticed a code hidden in the photons. Do you want me to repeat that? It won't stop you from wanting to punch yourself in the brain but you might not believe what I just wrote: Cyborg has found a code hidden in photons. I can't even parse what that means! Cyborg can see photons? Does it mean Cyborg doesn't see images at all because his visual data is simply billions of photons slamming into his eyeball? It's like looking up at a hail storm except brighter and more dumb.

I bet I know what the code says! It probably says, "Happy, Happy Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Happy, Happy Halloween! Silver Shamrock!"

In the Batcave, Alfred offers to make Bruce a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Please. Alfred has never made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his life. He's a fucking butler for the rich and wealthy! But before he can sully his hands with that working class monstrosity of a sandwich, he notices the Batcomputer has been hacked! Batman is all, "But nothing should be able to get through these firewalls! Alfred? Alfred! Did you see where I was pointing when I said that? At my balls!"

Cyborg winds up hacked just by looking at the code. So it's kind of like propaganda!

Batman just finished installing software that made his vehicles autonomous, so that's convenient. Now that they've been hacked, they begin trying to kill Bruce and Alfred. Maybe this will get Bruce to reconsider how he refuses to use a gun but still arms his vehicles with the most deadly weapons he can browbeat Lucius Fox into designing. How about equipping the batmobiles with batarangs, asshole? I guess if the rockets and bullets are shot from a vehicle, Bruce can pretend that they're just used for shooting other vehicles. It still seems like a stupidly dangerous idea for a guy who refuses to kill anybody.

Bruce's vehicles begin destroying themselves. That's what happens when you program them to destroy Superman the next time he comes around unannounced!

Cyborg is funny walking around the Watchtower trying to figure out how to stop it from reentering the Earth's atmosphere since after he was hacked, he looked at the Watchtower and it was hacked by the photons too. So now it's going to crash to the Earth and kill more people than Diane Palmer. Good job, Justice League!

The Justice League really needs to find a way to stop having their powers and technology used against them and the world. They might be the biggest threat of all. It just takes one hacker or mind controller or jerko Greek God to transform the Justice League from saviors to killers.

The malicious code forces Cyborg to throw himself out of the airlock. But once he's in space, the code is gone! He's back online! Now all he has to do is grab the Watchtower and pull it back into orbit using his, um, uh...white noise blaster? Maybe?

Oh, it's only going to hit San Francisco? They'll probably appreciate the influx of technology! Some angel will probably pass by and throw a wad of cash at the burning wreckage and say, "I'm in!"

Back in the Batcave, even the dinosaur trophy comes to life and attacks. That's some crazy powerful code! I guess everybody is going to have to stop looking at everything. Where's Daredevil when you need him?!

Meanwhile in Denver, Diane Palmer's kids are wondering what their dad is up to in the garage. Probably jerking off to violent porn. I can't imagine what else he might be doing, right?!

Cyborg saves San Francisco by opening up a BOOM Tube and sending the Watchtower back into orbit, along with a shit-ton of momentum! It's probably just going to speed right out into space now! Except, you know, Bryan Hitch doesn't know anything about science and stuff. He thinks you can put code on photons and somebody could see that code!

Cyborg manages to survive falling out of orbit by using the Transamerica pyramid to break his fall before smashing into a car on the street. As he lands, the hacker opens up a few more BOOM Tubes and Wonder Woman, The Flash, Aquaman, and Green Lantern Simon Baz fall out. Luckily none of them were shitting when they were taken.

Don't worry, Alfred. It's only because you're being written by Bryan Hitch. You're saying plenty of witty and passive aggressive things about Bruce over in Tom King's Batman.

Alfred and Batman manage to stop the final vehicle and isolate the malicious code. Good thing Batman wasn't BOOM Tubed to San Francisco so he can do the intelligent work of tracing the hack back to Diane Palmer's garage. I mean, back to whoever is responsible for it. It can't be just some guy whose wife died, right? Unless he's in the garage sucking the cock of some technology demon, there's no way he wrote code onto photons which could hack Cyborg's operating system and also Green Lantern's ring. Oh yeah, the story ends with the code jumping to Simon Baz's ring and it flips the fuck out on everybody.

The Ranking!
+0! This series isn't exactly terribly written. It's just sort of stupid in the way it goes about presenting the conflicts. I always hate saying that my comic books need to be somewhat believable because comic books are made up of 95% post-unbelievable waste product. That statement makes as much sense as everything in a Bryan Hitch comic book. Unless it makes more sense even though it doesn't make much sense!

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Sinestro #17

Since when did Wile E. Coyote change professions from bird hitman to world conqueror?

Remember when Sinestro was a guy with a ring that could make yellow light constructions but he couldn't defeat a guy whose green light constructions couldn't protect him from anything yellow? It's totally fitting that he's sharing this cover with the world's most inept coyote. When I was an autistic little shit kid who stared off into space for 90% of the time when I wasn't a whirling dervish of fists and tears, it never occurred to me that Sinestro should be able to defeat Green Lantern in the space of fifteen seconds. I just thought Sinestro and Green Lantern were like knights with a code of chivalry that said they must attempt to defeat each other in the bounds of whatever theme they happened to agree upon. I think one of those times they actually chose green and yellow suits of armor with lances which was a contest--come on! Seriously!--Sinestro should have come out on top of. I just loved that they'd battle with baseball paraphernalia or construction equipment or Tennis racquets (or rackets if I weren't such a snob!). It excited me to see what they would come up with together for that episode's battle. It's not like Green Lantern ever decided to bring a giant yo-yo into battle while Sinestro fired yellow nuclear missiles at him. It was a gentleman's game and it made Sinestro seem far less incompetent than I'd soon realize he truly was as I got older and stopped whirling in frustration as much as I used to and decided to begin cultivating a horribly cynical outer shell to protect me from the vagaries of social conventions and the awkwardness of intimate human contact.

This issue begins with Sinestro writing an essay on Earth and how it's consumed by fear. In his view, the people of Earth are so embroiled in fear that this planet should have been called Fearth. Get it? Has that joke ever been made by Geoff Johns when he was writing the Sinestro War? Suck it, Geoff Johns! Unless he did make that observation and then I'm arrestedly developed man enough to say, "Kudos to you, goodsir!" Then I'd probably tip my fedora, pull in the edge of my cape, and bow with a flourish. "Kudos!"

Um, so Sinestro's essay points out that the people of Earth are fearful little muskrats full of fear and other emotions that are basically just synonyms for fear like terror and anxiety and all American conservative modes of thought. He's all, "Earth is a Kinder Surprise Egg with the most dangerous toy inside! In fact, there's not a toy inside it at all! It's a knife! A big fucking knife covered in fire ants and the handle is a naked woman who totally wants to do it! So scary!" And the Earthlings are all, "Ah! Everything is so scary! God, help me! I would call to science to help me but science is complicated and every time I ask my atheist friend 'How does science know that?', he always goes into a long-winded explanation of things that don't make any sense so he has to explain those things and...ugh! Just say something easy like 'God made it!' Now that I can understand!"

Sinestro's encounter with the Pale Bishop, the long dead leader of The Paling whom he tracked to Earth some mysterious way that was probably scary, has gotten him thinking about fear and Earth. He knows an awful lot about Earth for a guy from the planet Kellogg. I don't think that was the name of the planet he was from but I do remember it began with a "K" and it's destroyed now so who the fuck cares what it was called? The Pale Bishop has turned out to be a 30% Guardian of the Universe and 70% Mummy. So not only is he obsessed with making the universe safer by destroying all individuality and choice and emotion, he's also really fucking slow and brittle. This fight should last about the amount of time it takes Sinestro to find an open flame.

Wait a second! Is that Warworld hanging up in the sky? And...and...and it isn't causing mass panic of the already panic-stricken people of Fearth?!

If Warworld were that visible in the sky, I think it would be having some destructive gravitational effects on the planet and the moon of our planet which is so unimaginatively called "the moon." Holy fuck we are boring people! We couldn't even come up with Magic Floating Sky Rock?! I'm surprised we're not a bunch of Planetlings living on the planet Planet. I would go into the science of how gravity works but I wouldn't want to bore any religious people who might be reading this. Let's just say God has this shit under control and leave it at that, shall we?

No wait! I can't leave it at that! Last night I was listening to Ground Zero with your host Clyde "I'm a Stupid Piece of Fucking Shit" Lewis and he was talking about climate change. At the end of the show, some guy called up to remind Clyde that God promised not to destroy the Earth in a flood ever again. And he quoted Genesis 8:22 as proof that climate change is bullshit: "While the earth remaineth, seed-time and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease." See, scientists? God promised that he won't cease all that shit so calm the fuck down, you idiots. God promised! The guy's second point was that Jesus was eventually going to come down and rule so why is everybody being so pessimistic? Jesus has got this, motherfuckers! Do whatever the fuck you want!

And that is why religion is dangerous! Because people believe that The Bible is useful in scientific discussions! Maybe instead of Fearth, this planet should have been called Dearth...Of Any Intelligence At All! Zing!

The Pale Bishop strikes Black Adam with Apathetic Lightning which makes Black Adam angry for some reason. I know when I suddenly don't care about something I forget all about it and it doesn't make me angry at all. I'm usually just, "What did I do with that ballot for the local election? Maybe I left it in Call of Duty multiplayer or inside this delicious carrot cake?"

Isn't the Pale Bishop asking Black Adam to be angry like Pope Urban II calling on Christians to invade the Middle East? You know what. Those aren't even really close to equitable. I just wanted to mention Pope Urban II because how cool is that Pope name? Urban. You know he fucked a lot of ladies. Maybe ladies should be in quotes? It was still the Catholic Church. Zing!

I don't know what Sinestro has against The Paling. It's not like his philosophy of "Fear is the answer and reason for everything and I can't read a book or watch a movie without making it all about fear because it's the only issue I care about!" I guess it's like how religious people look at my atheism not as a belief I have that doesn't have anything to fucking do with them but as a danger to their religion because my beliefs negate their beliefs which just sounds dangerous until you realize that I don't fucking care if somebody wants to believe in Grown-up Santa Claus who stuffs their stockings full of everlasting life. I guess The Paling is basically a bunch of militaristic atheists to Sinestro's dogmatic and well-established religion. I suppose, historically, Christians have a right to fear atheists due to what atheistic fascist dictators have done to them and other religious peoples. But then if we're talking historically, I think a lot of different groups have a lot of different arguments for why Christians should be feared as well. The most a Christian has to fear from me is maybe a cutting remark about their beliefs after which I'll scream "ZING!" right in their face as I dance around the room pumping my index fingers into the air.

And don't you Muslims think I'm against making cutting remarks against your religion either just because somebody might call me an Islamophobe! I've got some pretty good zingers for y'all too! Although I don't really think I have any zingers for Jews because they'd probably out do me and come up with a better zinger against themselves after which they'd probably dance around the room better than me too. I definitely wouldn't come at a Hindu because I've accepted many of their talismans and gods into my world. I do sometimes pray to Ganesha because if I'm going to act like a ridiculous fool, I might as well be speaking to a god who is also an elephant. Plus he totally removes all obstacles from your life if you simply ask him! Seriously, why is anybody praying to gods who are men when there are gods who are elephants out there?! So much more powerful!

At least somebody was worried about Warworld! Thank the goddess! Literally in this case!

Why is Wonder Woman protecting Earth's orbit? With Superman out of commission and Stormwatch having been forgotten and all the Green Lanterns in another universe, is she the last line of defense against invaders from space?! It just doesn't really seem like it should be her job. It would only be slightly weirder if Aquaman had shown up. Although I don't know why Aquaman didn't show up since Cullen Bunn is writing Aquaman and he loves to do crossovers of the characters he's writing.

The battle where Wonder Woman defeats the entire Sinestro Corps easily (and then tongue kisses Bekka because guys totally need to see women kiss on a fairly regular basis or else they become gay) will have to wait because the battle with the Pale Bishop is still happening on Earth. To help Black Adam shake off the power of apathy, Sinestro lends him a Yellow Ring. It's always exciting when a new character puts on a lantern ring, mostly to see how their costume changes. But this time it isn't too exciting because Black Adam already looks like a Yellow Lantern. The battle doesn't last long after Black Adam gets his ring because the Pale Bishop decides to move the story to another planet.

You should be quite confident having killed all of the other Guardians!

Sinestro points out that he can't follow the Pale Bishop because his ring doesn't have that capability. I mean, it probably does have that capability when it needs to have that capability depending on the story being told. But right now, it doesn't have that capability because Sinestro and Black Adam need to go to Warworld to encounter Wonder Woman so Sinestro says, "But Warworld has that capability!" Once back on Warworld, Sinestro explains to Wonder Woman in a respectful manner that his Lanterns are now protecting the universe because the Green Lanterns have disappeared. Wonder Woman doesn't say "Oh my goodness! What has become of my friend Hal Jordan?!" because she never really liked him and the way he treated Carol so shabbily. Instead she says, "Well you had better get to protecting because The Paling has arrived! I suppose I will remain to bump up your sales numbers and to also help protect Earth."

Sinestro #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. A lot of people have been fans of this book since it started but they were all wrong. This book has had a lot of problems and I'm not just discussing the problem where Cullen Bunn couldn't remember what sector New Koriander was located. The story was constantly interrupted by whatever new direction Bunn decided to go. Perhaps he was just extending The Paling story but it really felt like he would abandon it for ideas he'd rather pursue only to come back to it after abandoning those other ideas. I mean, is New Korugar still a thing or was that just to get rid of Parallax? What about the Aphid League? And then there was all the Twat Lobo nonsense. But with this issue and the previous (I'd also include the issue which introduced Nax), I feel like this book has found a voice and a personality and started working out a bit to tighten up some trouble areas. I'm slightly more attracted to this book for some reason! Maybe Cullen Bunn simply became less distracted when he realized he didn't care about Aquaman at all and he knew The Lost Army was a shit book based on one big idea. Or maybe Bunn just started taking Ritalin and has become hyper-focused on writing this book. He wouldn't want to burn every bridge at DC, would he?! Because if that happens, how will he cash the checks Marvel keeps giving him to ruin DC characters?!

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It’ll be mostly weeklies, first issues, special issues that have just come out, or whatever is on the top of my stack when Wednesday hits. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “Tess’s reviews are some of the funniest things on the net, every time. I wish I could convince them that they should be doing this for a website or a magazine or something. This is top-notch stuff!” She uses third person singular pronouns for me because she doesn't want to offend me by getting my gender wrong even though she met me and I totally look like a rotten stinking man. I should also find some other famous people to write blurbs for my blog before I run out of Gail Simone quotes! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Justice League United #10

The Legion of Super-heroes ruin everything.

Whenever the Legion of Super-heroes takes a trip into the past, they ruin everything. I don't think they ever travel to the past to stop some terrible event from taking place. I think every time they head to the past, they're simply manipulating events so that their timeline comes to fruition. They're no better than that barn owl Madame Xanadu who's always pretending to see some future disaster just to get a bunch of heroes to do her laundry or weed her garden. If I were a super hero, I would have a strict policy to only ever get involved with crimes that have already happened or are currently in the process of happening. Nobody's going to trick me into lowering a neighborhood's property value so that they can snatch it all up so they can sell it for five times its value to developers. I know that I could still be manipulated by somebody pretending to be a ghost or a monster but I think I'm pretty good at spotting the difference between a rubber mask and an actual human face.

Last issue, Brainiac 5 with his amazingly huge brain created a black hole which is going to destroy all space and time. I know some of you are thinking, "What an idiot!" But could you create a black hole capable of destroying reality? I thought not.

If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this! But, you know, with different names replacing "Infinitus."

I just wrote a song while I was scanning the above image. This is it:

I bought sake for Goblin Sake! DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!
You put your dick in an old gym socky! KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK!

Have you ever been mellow while listening to "Have You Never Been Mellow"? Philosophy!

If a tree falls in the forest and there are no trees, what the fuck? Philosophy!

If a Starbucks employee asks you to have a frank and serious chat about racism, say what they want to hear and not what you actually think! Friendly Advice!

Let me have another attempt at that caption above so I can get back on track: "If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this, it wouldn't really matter since I just spent $100 to get into the situation which led to me yelling that at the Madame." That's too long and awkward. It needs some workshopping but it's not even worth workshopping, so I'll just move on now.

1. You can tell the H.P. Lovecreep thing is a good burn because it's been italicized. 2. Byth is still an asshole with teeth. 3. How about not criticizing somebody who's trying to save your ass, Miiyahbin. 4. The pull is too "strong," StarIDon'tKnowHowToLanguageGirl. 5. You are in space. There is no sky. 6. Um, is it a bird? Or a plane?!

Hopefully you can match all of my comments to the proper places in the comic book yourself. Try bringing a little effort to these commentaries, sheesh. Instead of just sitting there naked and passively scanning the internet with drool sliding down your chin. Jesus. Take a shower!

Whoops! I couldn't really see you browsing! That was just the reflection on my computer screen.

Supergirl flies down to get stuck in the gravity well of the black hole too. No, wait. She's strong enough to save Stargirl and Equinox with her flying power that works by...well, I'm sure it's some kind of science.

Nobody's arms get ripped off and nobody turns into long strings of spaghetti so I'm beginning to doubt Brainiac 5 actually created a real black hole. Maybe he just created a hole with a pretty strong gravity but nothing that a Supergirl can't climb out of.

Nobody shall die this day due to the power of science words!

Science can only do so much to save the day because now math has determined that Thanagar's orbit is going to bring it into the black hole's event horizon soon. Have you ever been inside the event horizon at a Grateful Dead concert? I've only gone once and that was to score some LSD. It might be the only time I've purchased drugs on my own if you discount buying LSD off of my ex-girlfriend's sister which I don't think really counts.

Hawkman decides to evacuate Thanagar but before he can, Dream Girl has a precognitive daydream where she sees two planets side by side. So now that science and math have had their turn, it's time to rely on hoodoo! Dream Girl declares that they must move the planet!

J'onn's only saying that because a female dreamed up the plan, the sexist pig. Plus he's trying not to cry as he thinks to himself, "Why didn't my people think of that?!"

I bet if we could understand pigs, they'd probably be thinking, "What the fuck did we do? Leave us out of your sexist bullshit, you asshole monkeys. And while we've got your attention, fuck George Harrison."

Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan to use zeta technology to move Thanagar to a different orbit. I guess everybody will be okay if it's shoved into Rann's orbit. Is that okay? Two planets in the same orbit? Kind of like our second Earth that's always on the far side of the sun that we don't know about. At least most of us don't know about it. The callers on Coast to Coast AM sure know a heck of a lot about it!

While they're coming up with a plan, Brainiac 5 asks White Witch to use her magic to help amplify the science. I don't know if that makes any sense but White Witch can amplify me anytime.

This isn't fair to Supergirl since obviously the future is going to have finer asses.

The planet is placed next to Rann in its orbit because Brainiac 5 knows what he's doing. Probably. Who am I to question a Twelfth Level Intellect! I can barely spell "twelfth"! I'm sure their gravitational fields won't fuck up everything on both planets.

Too bad Czarnia wasn't still extant! They could throw them in the mix just for fun!

Ugh! Gross! I hope it did change what happened between you if what happened between you is what I think happened between you! Stay away from my Supergirl, you green penised fartturd!

I called him a "fartturd" because he's Coluan. Get it? Sometimes my passion for Supergirl makes me a little racist and ablest. Fucking Michael, you handicrapable girlfriend thief!

Byth has been defeated, Infinitus turned back into a child, and a black hole was created nearby but fuck it. I'm sure it won't be a problem. The Legion of Super-heroes head back to the future with Ace Ultra where they'll probably just kill him when they get out of J'onn's sight. Adam and Alanna Strange are reunited and they kiss and fuck in that creepy way that professors kiss and fuck their students. *shudder*

How old is Stargirl? Three?

The team decides to stay together because they somehow didn't get cancelled in the DC June Relaunch. At least the next story can focus on the characters that are actually on the team instead of thousands of different Legionnaires.

Justice League United #10 Rating: No change. I realize I don't comment much on the art unless it's really shitty or unless it hits me right in the aesthetic pleasure center. I'm not going to discuss the art in this issue because it was serviceable. Maybe it was good in places and maybe it was weird in places and maybe White Witch's bum was super terrific. But I can't imagine being a proper comic book reviewer and feeling the need to throw in a paragraph about the art in every review. How many different ways can you say "the art served the story well"? And do they ever get sick of mentioning how the "coloring fit the mood perfectly"? I just can't do it! Sorry, Jeromy Cox, if I never give you any credit. Your ability to color and shade pictures seems, um, adult? Good job?

Justice League United #9

What does Harley have against Justice League United? Is she anti-Canada like the rest of us?

Hey Canadians? You don't mind if I make fun of you guys, do you? Since we all know you're all really polite and likeable, it should be obvious that I don't really have anything against you. But sometimes it's fun to make fun of other people simply because of where they're born and you guys are really the only ones left which works in a humorous way. If I make fun of Americans, I actually mean it because I am American and I've been in the same locker room as America for forty years and I've seen its dirty asshole and it's fucking disgusting. And I can't make fun of Britain because they're irrelevant to the world at large now. And I can't make fun of Germany because they're on their best behavior and I probably shouldn't provoke them. You know, just in case. And I can't make fun of France because they're all better than me, being American and all. And I can't make fun of the Fjordick countries (you know? the Nordic ones with fjords that look like dicks?) because they've got like the biggest happiness index of any country in the history of countries and it would just look like petty jealousy and envy if I made fun of them (which it would be). And I can't make fun of any other countries because they're not white and I am white and that would look horribly racist. So Canada is the only country left which I can poke fun at in a good-natured, heartfelt, no offense meant kind of way, right? But I need to ask your permission first because I don't want to be a douchebag about it! So any Canadians out there reading this, send me a message giving me your approval to turn Canada into my lovable spittoon! Don't send me any mean messages though because I'm quite sensitive.

I might be a little bit bitter while writing this commentary because this issue was supposed to be the final issue of The Infinitus Saga but it was extended last issue. So now I have to read another issue of poorly written time travel starring the Legion of Super-heroes! Thanks a lot, Jeff Lemire! Although I'm sure it was DC's fault with their whole Convolution Event happening in April and May. You probably figured it would be better to extend this story by one month than to start a new story in March which would be interrupted by Convalescence.

Who can remember all of these characters?!

Infinitus has been birthed from a cosmic asshole created by Byth. Now it us up to all of those faces to defeat Infinitus and save the universe! Or they could just let him go and destroy the future. Then they can change the present so that some other future occurs and Infinitus disappears in the now non-existent future! Why am I not leading this team?!

Inside Byth's Cosmic Asshole, Supergirl battles Byth to regain control of Ace Ultra. Ace Ultra is the mind creating and controlling Infinitus, so if somebody can just put him on a time-out, everything should be okay. Byth and Supergirl have a Buffy moment but nobody rhymes "regal" with "illegal."

Wait. What?! Sixteen?! But sixteen in Kryptonian years is twenty-four in Earth years, right?!

Byth mistakes Supergirl's greeting for violence which is totally understandable because it seems only on Krypton did people greet each other with a punch to the jaw. Or maybe it's only Supergirl's misunderstanding of Earth culture since Superman never punches people in the face when he just meets them. Of course, he was raised by Ma and Pa Kent and they never punched anything ever. Anyway, Byth decides to show Supergirl his true face which is basically an asshole with teeth.

Besides Infinitus and Byth, a bunch of fiery space wraiths have appeared and are attacking Thanagar. Mostly they're here because the Legion has too many members to participate in the Infinitus fight, so Lemire sends them on a wild fiery wraith chase. Animal Man and Green Arrow and Alanna Strange also go along because how effective are they going to be in a huge space battle?

Turns out they're really not that useful in planetary defense either.

Brainiac5 has created a weapon he's named The Infinitus Bomb because he lacks creativity and imagination. But he does have a 12th Level Intellect! Too bad he didn't have a 13th Level Intellect because he apparently miscalculated his time travel word problems. Instead of saving the future, he's only doomed everybody in the present as well. Infinitus is about to be born not in the 31st century but in the 21st century. And only his Infinitus Bomb can stop Infinitus. But before he can launch it, Martian Manhunter must enter Byth's Cosmic Butthole to save Supergirl and Ace Ultra.

Using some of the various Legion powers in combinations that have probably never been used before because there are just so Goddamned many of them, the Legion and the Justice League United rescue Supergirl and get Byth to surrender. Now they just need to get Ace Ultra to stop Infinitusiting up the universe.

Oh. Okay. That was easy.

At this point, Brainiac 5 is beginning to wish he had a 14 Level Intellect because he launches the Infinitus Bomb just as the target disappears. Whoops! Now who's the big fucking asshole who's doomed them all?!

The bomb opens up a black hole which begins sucking everybody inside and gives Justice League United an excuse to continue this story for one more issue.

Justice League United #9 Rating: No change. Will the black hole tie in to the Convocation Event in April? Or will it just crush every member of the Legion of Super-heroes except for Dawnstar and Wildfire who will eventually join the Justice League? Or maybe Wildfire will save them all since his containment suit was torn and now he's just some kind of free floating energy vortex that might have the power to reverse the gravity on a black hole. Or maybe Gates can just zap it to some barren space on the edge of the universe! Or maybe Colossal Boy can grab it and throw it into a bigger black hole? Or maybe Duplicate Damsel (or Triplicate Lass?) can create a string of herselves to use as a chain to pull everybody out of the black hole's range? Or maybe Polar Boy can make a big ice block around it (with Equinox's help, of course!)? Or maybe Mon-el can punch it into teeny tiny less dense bits of dust? Or maybe Phantom Girl can grab everybody in a big bear hug and phase them all through it, using the black hole's gravity to launch them out the other side? Or maybe Martian Manhunter can read its mind and find out its motivations? Or maybe Green Arrow can hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow while Animal Man chirps like a Bluebird? Or maybe Ultra-Kid can throw Bouncing Guy as hard as he can into the Black Hole which Bouncing Guy will bounce off of, sending the black hole careening into deep space while he bounces back out of its gravity well? Or maybe Invisible Kid can eat a baguette and say, "Mon friere!" Unless you spell French differently than that. Or maybe all of the others can do something with their super unique and special powers!

Justice League United #8

Stop fucking with the DC Universe, Flash! You don't belong in this story!

When the last issue began, I was upset that Legion Lost had returned but I was more upset by the fact that it was only Part 3 of a stupid ass 5 part time travel story! So just imagine the conniption I had when I opened up this issue and saw this:

You can't do this to me! It's not fair! It was almost over!

Stupid time travel has caused everything to get fucked up, even the number of issues the Infinitus Saga was supposed to run. I hate time travel with an addendum! The addendum is that I love time travel when it's well done! Usually when the Legion of Super-heroes are involved, it's rarely well done at all! That was a steak joke! Okay, it wasn't a joke at all. But it would have been acceptable for Chandler on Friends!

The title page shows nineteen tiny heads of Legion members with their names by them so that I can refer back to them as I read the comic book wondering who all the people crowding each panel are. Although for some reason they missed Saturn Girl and Brainiac 5. I'm pretty sure those are two of the most important Legion members of all time! Maybe that was before they time traveled to a page where they weren't very important at all.

Oh, maybe they're not included because they did time travel to a page where they're not important! They're in the other five parts of the Infinitus Saga while the Future Legion gets to be in this part that shouldn't exist! Maybe if the other team is successful in the past, this issue will cease to be and I'll suddenly have four more dollars in my wallet.

I wish they'd put all of their eggs in one stupid basket and then drop it and smash all of their eggs to pieces and then cry and then get crushed by a whale.

Dream Girl was put in charge by Brainiac because she's so dreamy. But Star Boy was all, "I should be Star Man! Look at this beard! LOOK AT IT!" Then Infinitus appeared and he was all, "...". And Cosmic Boy was all, "Save the monkeys! Get the monkeys in the capsules!" And Bouncing Boy was all, "BOING! BOING! BOING!" And Triplicate Girl was all, "Ew!" and "Ew!" and "SWOON!" And Kid Invisible was all, "Mon ami! Fuck us! Erffreebuddy fuck us!" And Shrinking Violet was all, "I'm tiny! I'm tiny!" And Quislet was all, "Who the fuck am I?! Does anybody remember what I do?" And Matter-Eater Lad was all, "BELCH!", and then five new planets appeared. And all of the other ones said, "Should we say some stuff too?"

Dream Girl, being in charge, shouts, "Hurry! Put all of the eggs in one basket!"

No! Then you'll just have to repeat the first three parts but with you in it as well! ARGH!

I bet Dr. Krzzztell says some kind of mumbo jumbo about how that isn't possible and they have to be sent to the point where the story left off last issue! And that's just what he says! "The past is in flux, dumb dumb!" And she's all, "Hey! I'm leader! Just do what I tell you!" And he's all, "Well if you'd tell me things that can actually be done, maybe I'd do them." And she's all, "I dreamt you were going to get hit by a bus if you don't listen to me!" And he's all, "Engagage Time Bubble! Engergize!" And Dream Girl was all, "Why are you adding extra 'g's?! Is there something wrong with the past?!" And then they all travel back to the past to have their eggs smashed! Hopefully!

Legion appears just in time to save Martian Manhunter from Hawkman! No wait, that can't be right. Let me read that again. Let's see...Supergirl, Mon-el, and Martian Manhunter, three of the strongest characters in the DC Universe, need to stop Byth's ship. Okay, yeah, no problem. Then Hawkman appears and he shoots them all and keeps them from stopping the ship. Am I reading that right? I think something is seriously wrong with the time stream! How is Hawkman so powerful? And in space! How do his wings work in space?!

Anyway, fifteen thousand Legion members fly out of a time bubble and stop Hawkman. Whew! That was close!

But then they don't stop Byth's ship from taking Ultra into the rift. Ha ha! Do you hear all the eggs breaking?!

This is what a whole basket of eggs breaking looks like!

Justice League United #8 Rating: No change. So what?! Infinitus is here and the future is fucked! Who cares? Legion is now safe in the past. Just let him go do whatever he was going to do to the future. If Legion stays in the past then everybody in the future is still safe, right? They won't be dead until the future becomes the present. All Legion has to do is keep traveling back to the past before they get to the future and they'll keep the future from ever happening! Problem solved and Shadow Lass never has to die! She can just stay in a coma for eternity! Or something. It's possible I don't know what I'm talking about. But that's perfect since Lemire has no idea what he's talking about either!

Justice League United #7

This cover almost lulled me into a false sense of excitement! "Look how awesome this team looks!" I thought as I clutched my throbbing member. "I can't wait to read the adventures of these heroes!" But then my stupid brain reminded me, just as I was achieving orgasm, how last issue ended with the arrival of Legion Lost. Bah! That's like, as a male, watching heterosexual porn and coming just as the camera chooses to show a close-up of the man's O-face. But I wanted a shot of the woman's booty hole at that moment! No wonder people say porn is dangerous! It's why I stick to still pictures or repeating, animated GIFs!

Remember that book "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"? I bet they didn't learn that thing about porn! I never read that book because it sucked. I mean, it probably sucked. Who wants to read a book written by somebody who left kindergarten thinking, "Whelp! That's it! Education over!" What I learned in Kindergarten was that if you're stubborn enough, the teacher leaves you to your own devices for the first four months until you finally come around and decide to participate with the other kids. I also learned that people should play "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button" far more often than they actually do. Seriously. Get a game of it going at your next New Year's Party. Sure, add drinking and removing clothing rules if you must. But the game really doesn't need any improvement! It's so fucking exciting!

This first panel is nearly an exact representation of that porn moment I mentioned! Ultra sure is fixated on the new universe's booty hole. I hope he doesn't reach his special moment just as Legion Lost appears.

When Legion Lost arrives, it's not the worst part of the page they explode onto. The worst part of that page is the part that reminds me this is only the third part of a five part story. Ugh! Can't they time travel right to the ending?!

I'm sure Lemire wrote this just to satisfy my love for when the comic book does all of the work for me.

Hey Wildfire, if you hate time travel things then stop working with the Legion of Super-heroes! Refuse to step inside one of Brainiac 5's Time Bubbles! Maybe quit comic books altogether because, holy fucking shit, do they rely on time travel an awful lot! Why am I even reading them?! Maybe because I love time travel stories? But I only like superbly thought out time travel stories like Primer or Time Crimes. And comic books rarely do decent time travel stories.

Byth and Black Mass escape with Ultra after Miiyahbin breaks Ultra's concentration on the rift in time and space. Now Byth has to start over by flying Ultra directly into the rift. Why doesn't Legion Lost time travel to the past, disable the ship Byth is going to use, and then return to the present to beat his ass as Byth pounds the dashboard trying to turn over the engine?

All humans look the same to Martian Manhunter.

Green Arrow points out that if they can't save the kid, will they be able to kill him in order to save the universe? And Stargirl is all, "Didn't you read Grayson #5, you dick? We keep walking." And Green Arrow rolls his eyes and goes, "Grayson? I could have been Grayson! But noooo! DC had to saddle me with writers like J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti! Made me a fucking laughingstock! Because of them, my best fucking appearance for two years was when I shot an arrow into Amazo's ass!"

Animal Man and Timber Wolf sniff each other for some reason and then Justice Legion of Super-heroes Canada fly off to stop Byth! I think I'm supposed to be on pins and edges of seats right now. But what I'm really doing is counting how many pages are left before I can go get fucking drunk and scream at my family.

The Legion of Super-heroes have too many members, so as an added bonus to keep most of them distracted, the rift in time and space has vomited up thousands of wraith-like creatures that they must battle. So most of the team's energy is spent on keeping the space ghouls from landing on Rann and Thanagar. But the real battle will be waged against Byth for Ultra's mind. I'm sure a smaller, more manageable group will deal with that later. And maybe Hawkman will stop acting like such a douche and remember that he's a good guy. Or as good a guy as you can get when you're a gigantic conservative asshole.

Will somebody please distract him with some tax cuts for the wealthy?

Justice League United #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. It's always funny when writing a story with the Legion of Super-heroes to mention how they have so many fucking members in the group. "Ha ha!" one of the characters will say. "There are too many of you guys to remember!" they continue with a sly wink to the reader which says, "I am having the same problem you are having trying to remember them all. Ha ha!" But making a stupid joke about how many of them there are doesn't solve the problem with trying to tell a story with so many fucking characters flying around doing absolutely nothing. Look! A panel with Animal Man and Timber Wolf bonding! And there's Green Arrow getting Tellus's name wrong! And Stargirl and Dawnstar are all, "Hey! We share a word in our name! And it's super fucking surprising that the word isn't the 'girl' part of the name!" Meanwhile, Supergirl, Mon-el, and Martian Manhunter break off to stop Byth while all the other characters remain behind mopping up and taking an inordinate number of cigarette breaks. And all the while, Brainiac 5 keeps saying how he needs more time, preferably two more issues, to figure out how to close the rift. So everybody keep twiddling your thumbs until then! And by all means, don't let Hawkman somehow prevent Supergirl, Martian Manhunter, and Mon-el from getting to Byth's ship because that would be an embarrassment to end all embarrassments.