Green Lantern Annual #3

Does DC really think every comic book cover's "The New 52!" deserves the exclamation point? Really?

I guess just Robert Venditti got to write the end of Godhead. At least that should keep the wrap up coherent. Hell, it's kind of sad that I'll be happy with merely coherent! I really want to be amazed by the way the Lanterns pull off a victory! I want to be left picking my pants up off the floor and saying, "Golly gee whiz, that was pretty darn clever of them." Then I'll nod appreciatively, slip my dick back into my underwear, and pass out on the floor next to my semen caked and drying in the fibers of the rug.

Ugh, you know what. That was a horrible image with which to begin my "review!" I apologize to everybody for putting that image into the world. I would never ejaculate right onto the carpet! I've got a crusty towel for that. I mean, sure, sometimes I'm so pent up that I overshoot my mark and splash semen across my comic book boxes or the cat tower or, if she's unlucky, the cat herself. But I do try desperately to not masturbate directly into the carpet! What am I? Some kind of vile, filthy animal?

I'm sure glad none of my family care enough about me to read my blog! How embarrassing if they were to read these accounts of my life! I mean, obviously they're all fictional! But still, I don't need my mom thinking that my apartment is covered in jizz.

Speaking of my mother, I should probably call her tomorrow and wish her a Happy New Year!

This issue begins where Green Lantern last left off and hasn't been mentioned in any of the other Godhead Chapters. Hal Jordan and Black Hand are still confronting Orion at the Source Wall. Black Hand had just discovered that the Source Wall was a gigantic graveyard. Anybody else get the feeling that he's going to have them join the Black Lanterns?

And isn't this where Futures End: Green Lantern #1 began?! With nearly this exact same situation minus Orion?!

Oh great. If I have to hear Relic whine about Peak Spectrum Light one more time, I'm going to eat some cookies. Because that will help me get over having to listen to that windbag.

The BOOM Tube that opens at the Source Wall is the one which Sinestro flew into in Sinestro #8. But before Highfather's armies can march into the BOOM Tube like they did in the last panel of Sinestro #8, Metron informs Highfather that the BOOM Tube opened in the wrong location. Whew! I was worried The New Gods didn't have that kind of safety technology. Sinestro grabs up Hal Jordan and company and they all return to New Genesis for the upcoming peace talks.

Black Hand's Source Wall Army begins the negotiations by slaughtering dozens of Highfather's best men. Highfather counters by standing in shock and saying, "This is madness!" Black Hand escalates the talks by isolating Lightray and trying to convince him that he's lucky to have had such a limited role in this series. Orion doesn't care for that tactic and blows the brains out of Black Hand's tallest soldier. After that point, the whole peace talk thing kind of falls apart.

The other Lanterns use the diversion to wait around for the Bohemian Guardians to reveal their plan. So far, all they've revealed is that Kyle Rayner didn't lose the Life Equation to Highfather. Well, that's not much of a plan.

And then Black Hand's army begins to resurrect which is the worst news because now Relic is going to start bitching again.

No! You shut up, Relic! No more pseudo-scientific theories from you!

Guy, Simon, and John free the rest of the Lanterns from the Singularity Stockade as Kyle fights a battle of wills to wrest the White Light back from Highfather. Lots of things get punched along the way.

And then Hal finally comes along to say what everybody else has been saying but in just that right tone of voice to get Highfather to listen.

What? Darkseid? That's crazy!

The Bohemian Guardians still haven't mentioned their plan. So Kyle decides to come up with his own plan once Highfather gives back the Life Equation because he doesn't want somebody else calling him Darkseid. That was just mean and it really hurt his feelings.

Kyle turns into a white light being and flies up into the sky to tell everyone the good news about The Source Wall. Saint Walker watches and says something like, "I hope this works!" And then the Blue Ring goes, "What? Hope? You show great hope dude! Wear me!" And Saint Walker is all, "Get on my cock, gorgeous!"

The Source Titans hear the good news and depart for more Source Wallian places. But that still leaves New Genesis plummeting out of the skies! Who can save The New Gods?! Or, as Sinestro puts it, "Who the fuck would want to save these assholes? Let's finish them now!"

Luckily for the New Gods, nobody ever listens to Sinestro.

All could have been well Goddamned months ago, you slacker!

With Saint Walker's help (and hardly anybody else's!), Hal Jordan puts New Genesis down safely on the ground. Everybody lived! Well, everybody with a name that's seen as somewhat important lived! The war is over! And all it took was for somebody to call Highfather Darksied!

Hmm. My jaw is not on the floor. Nor are my pants! And I'm not saying anything about the resolution being clever! What's going on? This was the big surprise finale, right?! Is there more to it somehow?

Spit on him, Hal! Spit right in his mouth!

Hal accepts Highfather's apology and they become allies in the fight for good. Or something. Whatever. Fuck these stupid cosmic crises! From now on DC, before beginning a cosmic crisis, write the ending. Have your writers come up with a fucking fantastic, crazy amazing solution to the threat! That way when somebody pitches a story, it doesn't wind up being "The New Gods battle all of the Lantern Corps for control of the Life Equation so that Highfather can defeat Darkseid. But when Hal Jordan finally calls Highfather Darkseid, he realizes the error of his ways and everybody makes peace." Does that sound like the appropriate solution to a fucking war? No it fucking does not!

Here's my version of Godhead for free:

Highfather: "I must stop Darkseid at all costs!"
Hal Jordan: "You're Darkseid!"
Highfather: "*spit take* WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

The entire series ends with Mogo finally getting his ring back and not saying, "What the fuck? You can't let me borrow one of the fucking Peak Spectrum assholes' rings? They aren't even using them! Or you couldn't fucking create a ring for me the way Sinestro created one for Hal? Fuck you guys! Fuck you right in your tiny little orifices! I'm taking my planet and I'm going home."

And on the final page, some big clawed hand breaks out of the Source Wall and a tag line says, "Coming in 2015: Another fucking Cosmic Crisis!"

Green Lantern Annual #3 Rating: Writers need to learn how to end things.







Um. Was that an acceptable ending?!

Sinestro #8

And all alone, Sinestro defeats everybody and becomes King of the Universe.

In the last issue of Godhead, the Bohemian Guardians had just come up with a plan! But they didn't have enough panels left to explain their plan. But now they're going to explain their plan. Although it's quite possible, considering the way comic books work, that they won't explain their plan until Green Lantern Annual #3. It doesn't matter to me though. As soon as they announced they had a plan and Red Lanterns ended before they could tell it, I lost interest in it. If Charles Soule had thought it up, it probably would have been a terrific plan. It would have involved a lot of talking but it would have been interesting. Am I supposed to trust that Venditti or Van Jensen or Bunn can come up with a foolproof way to defeat the New Gods? Well, I guess I trust two thirds of that group. And only one third because I practically know him. The other one I trust because he kept Demon Knights interesting and fun. But the other third, the one I'm going to call "Bullen Cunn," I don't trust at all.

This issue begins with Sinestro skulking about New Genesis.

There it is again! A Blue Lantern! But there are no more Blue Lanterns! Have the editors of this comic book been following the convoluted history of the Lantern Corps at all?

The Blue Lantern isn't the worst mistake on the first two pages of this comic book either! Although it's the only one that matters to most people. The other mistake probably only matters to Martin Coccolo and his mother since his name was spelled incorrectly in the credits. Whoops! I hope he still gets royalties!

Sinestro is on the hunt for a Mother Box that he can use against The New Gods. The main problem with that plan is that all of the Mother Boxes are attuned to a specific user. Bah! Rules and regulations! Those are Sinestro's forte! He can bend them to his will because he is a natural born dictator! Use rules and regulations against him? Against Sinestro?! Don't make me and Sinestro laugh!

Does Sinestro ever laugh? Um, anyway, don't make me laugh for Sinestro then! Ha! I will laugh so loudly and so long that you will think that Sheldon has just made a fairly innocuous comment!

Sinestro can't quite make heads or tails of the Mother Box but he now knows that it links to some sort of central battery which he believes he can use. As he searches for it, he finds a homeless Star Sapphire ring and follows it on its way to Carol Ferris's finger. Well that was convenient, wasn't it? After she used up all the power in her ring, a new ring can't tell that she's already been chosen? Or is this her old ring that was conveniently recharged by Hyalt? Thanks, Hyalt! And what about John Stewart? What happened to his Star Sapphire ring? Is he too embarrassed to wear it around the other green lanterns?

At some point, are the cosmic "good" people ever actually going to be good and not just an opposing version of the "bad" people?

Hey DC! You can get another weekly out of this! Another World's End! It can be just like the Earth-2 World's End except on Main Earth and with Highfather and his armies destroying everything!

Sinestro walks into Highfather's war room to parlay. That's what pirates call talking, at least right up until somebody takes umbrage with part of the talking and begins stabbing. In this particular parlay, the umbrage takes place when Highfather calls Sinestro a "jester." Uh oh! Them's fightin' words!

Basically Sinestro's response to the Jester comment is, "I'm a jester?! You're a jester!"

Highfather knocks the Parallax out of Sinestro just as Despotellis arrives for a new assignment. His new assignment is to infiltrate the Central Mother Box and reprogram the BOOM Tube coordinates. So instead of heading to Earth, the New Gods are going to probably the scariest place in the universe! Um, I don't know where that would be.

Highfather opens the BOOM Tube and Sinestro flies through first followed by Highfather's armies. Doesn't he have some way to make sure the tube opened in the correct location before he sends his armies blindly in? I guess Sinestro said Highfather's arrogance would be his downfall.

Also, notice how the Bohemian Guardians didn't mention any sort of plan?! Losers.

Sinestro #8 Rating: No change. Godhead is almost over! I don't mind if characters from the DC Universe battle New Gods but at least have them battling the evil ones! Why is it good beings have so much trouble acting good? Do they not know of kindness or compassion? It seems like everybody who thinks they're good just falls over and over again not to power but to fear. Scared people will do anything if they think it will somehow keep them or their family or even just their possessions safe. Kind people constantly turn into monsters when they're overwhelmed by fear. So now all I truly know about Highfather's characterization in The New 52 is that he's a fucking coward that is trembling in his boots awaiting the day that Darkseid descends on New Genesis to wipe the floor with him.

You know what would have been a good story? Just like Batman went to Apokolips to rub Darkseid's nose in his own filth, Grayson should take a trip to New Genesis to teach Highfather how to care!

Red Lanterns #37

Three issues of Godhead and a Tie-In in my immediate comic book reading future. *sob*

Time for Guy Gardner and Simon Baz to save the universe! Don't let that smarmy Hal Jordan manage it! Or that arrogant Sinestro! Or that weak-willed weaselly Kyle Rayner!

Here is a short list of things that have not been touched on since Godhead began but probably should have caused waves somewhere:

1. Larfleeze lost his stuff.
2. Mogo lost the protection of his Lantern Ring and is now adrift in space, far from any warming sun because the Lanterns don't even care enough to share one of their rings with him.
3. What does Darkseid think about Highfather gearing up for war? Is he just too busy razing Earths, collecting Supermen, and fending off Bat-invasions?
4. Guy ditched Ice in Dubai to go beat shit up.

That last one is probably the most important. Although it's possible Ice left on her own when she realized Guy was more interested in the dictator across the sea than in her bikini.

Now on New Genesis, it's about time Malhedron made up with Guy and Simon so they can put an end to Highfather's bullshit.

Right on time. Well, actually a little late since Guy and Simon had to mostly break out of the Miracle Prison all by themselves.

Guy and Simon learn from Malhedron where the stolen rings are being kept. Guy's interest is mostly in the Blue Ring. Probably because it boosts the Green Lantern's power. At normal power, they've had no luck defeating any of the New Gods. But with a Blue Ring backing them, they might have a chance. And Guy will probably be the person that will have to wear the Blue Ring because Saint Walker is being a big baby, pouting about the death of all of his friends and worried about the Spectrum Light destroying the universe.

After Malhedron leads Guy and Simon to the rings, he skins out for the territories. Simon Baz goes full frontal assault on Hyalt because he doesn't want Guy Gardner trying to sacrifice his life in this fight. So Guy heads on in and discovers the rings. He slips on an extra Red Ring and throws the fabled Double Red Punch of Death on Hyalt's robot sentry.

Guy should have put all the rings on! If Kyle can handle it, he can too! And then he'd be unstoppable!

I guess two Red Rings increases a person's vomit levels.

The Star Sapphire Ring flies off on its own to create a new Lantern. Maybe it's John's Violet Ring and it wants him back. After Simon gives Guy a pep talk about how awesome Guy Gardner is, Guy decides that maybe the world wouldn't be better off without him. It's no It's A Wonderful Life. Unless it is? I've never seen it so maybe this is exactly like that movie? Was Jimmy Stewart taught the lesson that his life meant something by a Muslim?

Finally the Bohemian Guardians meet up with Kyle, Stewart, Ferris, and Walker who weren't killed by Highfather like every reader reading New Guardians #37 thought had actually happened. They were just teleported out of Highfather's range of smell. The Bohemian Guardians let them know that they have a plan to end this war but they can't tell them about it until Sinestro #8. So I guess that's next!

Red Lanterns #37 Rating: No change. Ugh! Get Guy out of this Godhead bullshit before his time is up! Not many issues left of Red Lanterns now. And then where will Guy wind up? Since New Guardians and Green Lantern Corps are also ending, I bet a new series begins where the Lanterns create some kind of universal crew that responds to emergencies. It will be composed of Lanterns of all different Spectrums because every emergency in space will need a different response team. Or maybe DC has decided it's time to calm down with all of this Lantern shit. Everybody is burnt out on cosmic crises!

New Guardians #37

Geese cream fat sheep when it's cold outside! Every moment I'm awake, prefer their lemonade!

I just looked at this cover and it made me think Kyle must be dreaming which is why I quoted that Heart song in the caption. I love how the lyrics don't make any sense! They're so dreamlike!

Last issue, Kyle lost his White Ring because he's a huge idiot. While everybody else has been stubbornly fighting the New Gods because it's painfully obvious that they're not going to help the universe at all (and, even if they somehow do something right, at the very least they're not giving back the rings), Kyle just walked up to Highfather and said, "Here! Take my ring!" Then three seconds later, Kyle said, "Hey! Give me back my ring!" But by then it was too late. Stupid Kyle had doomed the universe to doom of the doomiest kind. And now Carol's lady boner for Kyle probably wilted.

Yes she's mad at you! She wanted to fuck you! And then you went and showed her that you're not only a wussy baby puss-puss, but you're stupid too!

Carol probably doesn't mind that Kyle is a wussy baby puss-puss because she was with Hal for a long time and he was the opposite of a wussy baby puss-puss (a tough senior mutt-mutt?). But a smart lady like Carol can't be wasting her time with an idiot that falls for the second oldest scam in the universe. The first oldest scam in the universe is that one where you pretend your wife is your sister and then you get her to marry a king or a pharaoh. Then you accidentally find a way for the king or pharaoh to find out that she's your wife and that you have the meanest, angriest God on the block so he quickly apologizes and sends you away with half of his wealth and cattle and camels because he doesn't want God striking him down. That one was so good that Abraham used it twice! And his son Isaac used it too! On the same guy, Abimelech, that Abraham used it on! That Abimelech sure was a horny idiot!

As Kyle and Carol pretend that maybe they can find a way out of this, Metron stops by in his comfy chair to declare that they have not yet fulfilled their roles!

He gives up too easily and he's wrong. He tries throwing rocks at Metron's head and he's wrong. Cut him some slack, Carol!

Just imagine if Black Racer came by for a visit! Kyle could get the comfy chair and Carol could strap on the skis and they could storm New Genesis!

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he's acting an awful lot like a certain stone face master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Metron drops off an ancient Mother Box for Kyle and Carol to use. It has to be ancient because the newer models are attuned to their users. Anybody can use this old one but that means it's also likely to have just one use left in it. Also, if they both grab it and sing the proper song, they can turn into Infinity Man!

Elsewhere on New Genesis, Malhedron heads off to rescue Guy Gardner and Simon Baz, leaving behind John Stewart and that dopey sperm-headed cunt Saint Walker to fend for themselves. But they're not alone for long.

Great! Now they have three useless people, one Green Lantern, and a squirrel.

The reunion is interrupted by some of Highfather's Divine Guards. But Kyle has a plan! And I think his plan depends on his belief that the New Gods won't kill him. For some reason, Highfather didn't kill him or turn him into a good soldier. So Kyle might still have some kind of link to the Life Equation that Highfather would lose if Kyle were to die. Maybe. It's all comic book nonsense so it's kind of hard to speculate in any kind of logical way!

Kyle and the gang manage to steal the Divine Guards' weapons and turn them on the Guards. Now that they're all equipped with some kind of firepower, they head off to find Highfather and tell him he's acting like an idiot.

They actually find him surprisingly quick. I thought they'd have to wait for Red Lanterns or something. During the five or so minutes that it takes them to walk to Highfather's location, the Bohemian Guardians escape the Singularity Stockade. I guess the New Gods haven't quite perfected the technology to imprison beings older than they are.

Kyle manages to get his White Ring back but it does him little good. It's got no juice left! And I don't think a White Battery exists, does it? Anyway, it seems Highfather has all the White Juice locked up inside of himself now. And he decides to spray it all over his rivals.

Whoops!

New Guardians #37 Rating: No change. Just three more issues of Godhead! I bet it ends like every other Green Lantern Cosmic Crisis! Which is...well, um, actually...I kind of forget how they all ended. I guess the Green Lanterns discovered they had more willpower reserves than they had before or something and beat the crap out of the bad guys? Oh, who cares, really. Another Cosmic Crisis is probably already right around the corner!

Green Lantern Corps #37

This picture was taken just seconds before John Stewart made the hardest decision in his life (again!) and got them all killed.

I never tire of pointing out how poor John Stewart has the blood of many people (mostly friends!) on his hands. Maybe as a Christmas present to John, I'll stop harping on it. That's mostly Preboot history anyway! Except it's not really since he murdered that one guy early in this series and obviously Yrra is still upset that he destroyed her home planet and he had that one flashback where he had to snipe a planet or something. I forget. I think that's pretty accurate though.

Last issue everybody in the Lantern universe except Simon Baz and Guy Gardner and Larfleeze had been imprisoned or killed by The New Gods. Everybody! Stop pointing out other people who had yet to be captured. They were captured between issues. So now John Stewart can't use his Power of Love ring to free them because nobody is left for him to stalk. I guess he kind of loves Guy Gardner but only in that way that you love that one friend who is an asshole but you know that if he ever gets jumped at the club by ten other guys, you wouldn't jump in to help him out because you know he fucking deserves the beating. So I don't think the ring processes that as true love even though every guy in the world knows that kind of love. But the Star Sapphire ring doesn't quite understand guy love being that this is the first time a Violet Ring has ever been on a male finger.

Indigo-1 has betrayed the other Lanterns, so the Indigo Lanterns have avoided capture. Highfather returns the ring he stole from one of her allies and allows her to leave. Is Highfather a naive idiot? Doesn't he remember that arrogance cometh before cleanliness? Just because he's the most powerful guy in the multiverse (next to Darkseid. And the Anti-Monitor. And possibly Batman), he thinks the Indigo Lanterns are going to throw out their loyalty to the other Corps and side with him? What an asshole. He deserves to get his ass beat by Darkseid on an eternal basis.

Duh! He already knows you captured them! He prevented you from killing them, you idiot!

I guess Van Jensen and Charles Soule didn't compare scripts during Godhead Book II. Marvel probably prevented Soule from talking to any of DC's writers while he finished up his work with DC so that they wouldn't steal any of Charles Soule's ideas that he's going to bring over to Marvel so Marvel can earn millions of dollars with them. Especially if Soule comes up with a character that would be perfect for a summer blockbuster movie!

Orion is currently battling Black Hand and Hal Jordan at the Source Wall. So I guess I forgot about those guys still being free. Also Kyle and Carol are also free even though they had been captured so I was technically right there. Also Guy and Simon were captured which I had forgotten so I was technically wrong there. I think all of my misinformation was a wash though! I said everybody but three Lanterns had been imprisoned or killed and everybody but three Lanterns had been imprisoned or killed! Just, you know, two of them have escaped since then.

The Prison Planet arrives at New Genesis and begins dumping its prisoners in front of Highfather so he can give them a false choice to join him or to be forced to join him.

Yeah. These two choose to be forced to join.

As Highfather blows his rod's load to White Light up Sinestro and Stewart, Malhedron jumps in front of them and takes the blast. Good old Earth emotions have finally convinced him that Highfather is as bad as Darkseid! It's the biggest surprise twist since that other one that everybody already guessed. I think it was the one where Captain Atom was Monarch so DC had to come up with a bigger twist that made no sense and allow Hank Hall to be Monarch.

You made the ultimate mistake of a leader, Highfather. You have to allow your subjects the illusion of choice. It's why democracies work so well because everybody feels they're changing things by participating, even if it's in a rigged system. You also must allow freedom of speech as a venting system to quell rebellion before it can ever become an issue, no matter how much you disagree with the things being said.

Malhedron BOOM Tubes Stewart, Sinestro, and Saint Walker away to a secret hiding place so they can come up with a plan. Malhedron's plan is to run as far away from Highfather as possible. John's plan is to make God seem nicer than he is by telling lies.

Wrong. God did not promise to never curse humanity again.

According to the King James Bible, this was how it all went down:

"And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying, 'And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you; And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth. And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.'"

See? God only promises not to kill everybody with a flood next time. As far as not cursing humanity ever again, well we know that's not true because in the very next section, Noah curses Ham's son Canaan and all his generations because Ham saw him drunk and naked. Now I don't think Noah had the power to make that kind of curse come true, so I'm going to go out on a pretty strong limb and say that God listened to Noah and thought, "Yeah, yeah. That totally makes sense. Curse Ham's kid and all of his future descendants because his father accidentally walked into your tent where you were lying naked in a pile of your own vomit and filth. That's just the kind of petty bullshit I love! Good one, Noah! Curse granted!"

Stewart convinces Malhedron to simply be their Transportation Engineer while they battle Highfather and he agrees.

If Highfather only knew what John meant by "greatest assassin." You know...of his own men! Oh shit. I just ruined my Christmas present to John. I guess it wouldn't be a real Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Christmas if I didn't ruin it for somebody.

John beats the crap out of Uggha and steals his hammer. Or mace. Whatever. Then Malhedron BOOM Tubes them back to their secret headquarters where they can plan more hit and run attacks on New Genesis. Hopefully Malhedron will add Simon and Guy to the team in Red Lanterns.

Green Lantern Corps #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. I realize they needed Malhedron's help to begin to fight back but it was sort of assumed from the beginning of this entire mess that they would need a New God on their team to battle other New Gods. I like that Malhedron has a more than reasonable excuse for changing sides, and I like that the seed was planted early on in Red Lanterns and built upon until now. But mostly, I really loved how John Stewart took charge and how he's threatened all of New Genesis with death and mayhem until the war is over. Even if he doesn't really plan on killing anybody.

Green Lantern #37

Why is the moon exploding while Xagyg attacks Earth? And why are Earth's continents different?

Last issue, Hal Jordan recruited Black Hand in his battle against the New Gods. That's always a smart move! Because everybody knows that the enemy of your enemy is your friend, at least up until you've defeated your mutual enemy and now your old enemy's enemy has all of the weapons you lent him and knows your strategies and, well, probably hates you too. Sometimes it's best just to remember that the enemy of your enemy is probably your enemy and you should just crush them all at the same time.

This issue begins by introducing me to The Singularity Stockade. It's the New Gods' multiversal prison which I've never heard of before. It's possible that it's brand new and everybody is hearing about it for the first time right now. It looks like a huge golf ball because that's the most aerodynamic form ever created. Unless you don't manage to hit it with absolute pinpoint precision, which is near impossible, and then it tends to fly off into the water or the rough and lots of people laugh at you.

Aboard the New Gods Prison Planet are most of the Green Lanterns and the Star Sapphires and the more important Yellow Lanterns and the only Blue Lantern and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, who is a Green Lantern but deserves special mention for being so adorable. I don't see any Black Lanterns though, so at least these idiots have hope of being rescued. Although they'll have to live down being rescued by Hal Jordan who won't let anybody forget that he saved the day. Especially Sinestro. Boy is Sinestro's nose going to be full of his own piddle soon!

You idiot, Kilowog. Green is right in the center of the spectrum! And it's closer to yellow than indigo! Go back to Seventh Grade Art Class, dumby! Wait. That won't help! Those color charts are different for some reason. According to that class, willpower is the result of hope mixed with fear!

John Stewart attempts to use his ring to escape only to be reminded, once again, that the "greatest weapon in the universe" is just a novelty piece of shit.

Aww, my sweet 2-6-8-1-7-9-5! And a nice burn by Sinestro! Kind of. I mean, really, what does it say about Earthlings that they've had five of them chosen to be Green Lanterns? You'd think it was the only planet in Sector 2814 with those kinds of results.

Sinestro tries to use his Parallax as a means of escape but it refuses to stay erect. Sinestro's shame and impotence is exposed for all to see. Even though the rest of the Lanterns remain trapped after Sinestro's defeat, they're all kind of glad that he fucked up the escape. Who wants that bastard lording it over them that he saved the day? Fuck that guy. Although Sinestro does finish his "gloat at my failure if you want to be a dick about it" speech by pointing out that only one thing could be worse than Sinestro himself saving your ass. Now they are all relying on Hal Jordan.

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he spends some time trying to convince Black Hand to help him until he finally discovers the proper incentive.

Not just any space war! A multiversal space war!

Hal and William head to the Source Wall where they were supposed to meet Sinestro. Instead they meet Orion and a battalion (or squad (or regiment (I don't know military group sizes!))) of Highfather's Divine Guards. Apparently the Divine Guards are no match for g-g-g-g-g-ghosts because Black Hand's Black Lanterns make short work of them. Right up until Black Hand becomes distracted with the realization that the Source Wall is a mass grave and he stops projecting his Black Lanterns into the fray. I guess that's okay because he just discovered a whole new army to bring against the New Gods. An army that has intimate knowledge of The Life Equation!

Green Lantern #37 Rating: No change. Now I wish Black Hand had gotten his own comic book instead of Sinestro.

Sinestro #7

Last Lego cover! Fuck you, Lego! You have the aesthetic of a rotting platypus!

It's true. Lego based all of their design ideas on a rotting platypus they keep sealed in a vault in Lego Headquarters. You might be thinking, "But Tess! Surely, rotting platypuses aren't blocky and trying too hard to be cutesy!" My response is, "Fuck you! I'm busy."

Recently in Godhead, Highfather was being a total dick. The Lantern Corpses (is that the plural of corps? It's hard to tell since Spell Check accepts it as corpses!) were all, "Stop it! Be nice! Stop taking our rings!" And Highfather was all, "Shut up, you mortal babies. Do you want Darkseid sticking his dick in your planet? No? Then give me all of the rings." And the Lanterns, especially the ones from Earth, were all, "Obviously you've never met humans before, bitch! We never give up and we always say tough things in the face of death and we're like the only species that loves unconditionally who believe that no other species loves unconditionally which makes us totally special and shit." Then Highfather beat them all down until they hid in the Anti-Matter Universe sucking their thumbs and blubbering.

Now it's Sinestro's chance to turn the war around and be the hero he thinks he is.

I wonder what's happening with the rest of the universe without its unasked for cosmic police force ignoring their made-up job? Getting along pretty good, are they?

First part of Sinestro's plan: act creepy.

In the first panel of this comic book, a bunch of Lanterns kidnapped by Highfather were in the background. I didn't immediately comment on them because they all had their Lantern Insignias tattooed on their foreheads and that seemed weird. But now on Qward, there are Indigo Lanterns in the background with their insignia on their forehead. Which is still weird. Anyway, one of Highfather's captives was blue and it wasn't Saint Walker so did somebody screw up? Or is Highfather already busy making his own army of Lanterns to kick Darkseid's ass? I think somebody screwed up because we've seen that when Highfather turns somebody into one of his soldiers, he definitely outfits them in some kind of Kirby costume. I think the captured Red and Blue Lanterns in that scene should have been yellow. And only the Indigo should have the stupid tattoo on their foreheads.

Sinestro isn't the only Lantern that wants a chance to prove themselves as leader! John Stewart has a plan as well!

This plan is worse than the acting creepy plan!

I would accept that this plan made sense except DC has already established in just about every Lantern comic book that space travel takes no time at all. Not for Green Lanterns. Not for Red Lanterns. Not for Superman (except the one time he had to travel all the way back from the Preboot Universe after defeating Brainiac). Not for the Authority. Not for Lobo. Not for Batman. Everybody might as well already be teleporting! The only time the Lanterns can't travel somewhere instantly is if the plot depends on it and then I'm told I have to believe this bullshit. And I try! I really do try! But then a Ring Bearer will pull a lantern out of a pocket dimension and my head explodes.

Doesn't the Green Lantern Corps have a "Human" Resources Department to provide sensitivity training to its members?

How can you protect everybody in the universe if you can't respect those that don't look like you, Arisia, you stupid orange skinned, pointy eared girl!

A fight breaks out between the Green and Yellow Lanterns and lasts for quite a few pages. I guess Cullen Bunn wasn't allowed to advance the Godhead plot on his own so he was told to vamp it up this month. The pacing on these huge crossovers never runs very smoothly. I think DC tends to over commit when doing the outline and then always realizes they don't need as many issues as they planned to tell the story.

Somebody could have at least told the artists which hand Arkillo was missing though.

Sinestro's Creepy Plan culminates in Bekka being offered a Yellow Lantern Ring. Why she'd want something less powerful than a stick, I can't say. But it seems like Highfather is going to lose this battle due to a lack of loyalty. Although I'm still hoping Kyle sits down with him and introduces him to popcorn and Wargames.

Highfather: "I...I...I get it! Darkseid is the Xs and I'm the Os!"

After everybody calms down, Stewart and Sinestro gather their forces to ambush a New God and steal the New God's Mother Box. But Indigo-1 betrays them for some reason (probably out of Compassion), and teleports them right into Orion's clutches.

Sinestro #7 Rating: How did this comic book escape cancellation in the recent batch of cancellations?! Sinestro must have more loyal fans than I would have ever guessed. I used to be one of those fans although, admittedly, only because of Challenge of the Superfriends. But this comic book has cured me of that! Sinestro is a boring prig that can't stop pining over Hal Jordan. Move on already! Go find somebody that will love you back!

Red Lanterns #36

Guy Gardner should be the next DC character to get a television show.

This would be my pitch for a Guy Gardner television show. Each episode would be two interweaving stories of equal length. One would be about Guy Gardner as a preteen kid growing up in Boston living with his drunk cop father that loves him less than the other kids. The theme of that story will tie in to the theme of the story of Guy Gardner as an adult as he deals with becoming a Green Lantern. The adult Guy Gardner will come off as a complete dick so that if you only had access to the adult part of the story, you couldn't find any reason to like him at all. But the childhood story would reveal why he's acting so angry or cocky or bitter in the face of the current episodic problem he's dealing with as an adult. I think it would be a tough show to write because I'd really want Guy as an adult to be completely unlikable on his own yet his younger self would be irresistibly charming and innocent as he tries to navigate his harsh world. The audience couldn't help but root for his younger self which would, unless they're total monsters, lead them to eventually feel sympathy towards, and maybe even learn to understand and actually like, adult Guy Gardner. And I don't mean some trite shit like showing Guy abused and then we have to realize Guy is abusive because of his childhood trauma. I mean shit like young Guy sees his father constantly take it in the ass (figuratively) by some officious jerks in the department driving his father to drink too much and run over the family dog. So then adult Guy meets up with an officious, bureaucratic alien race which drives him to drink every time he has to deal with them and then purposefully running speeding through one of the alien races dog parks and squashing a bunch of their furry friends. See? You'd hate that Guy! But maybe you'd understand him a little bit through the childhood story!

Guy Gardner has always been one of those characters I've always felt particularly close to. I love that he's got the heart of a true hero and realizes that the bottom line when saving the day isn't that you're well liked. He's got a lot of rough edges that keep people from being close to him and, tragically or not, he seems to be most comfortable within those rough edges. Why else would he be growing out that mustache?

I've been unconsciously wanting a buddy comic with these two guys. Probably! It was unconscious so I can't be totally sure of it.

Simon Baz, peacemaker, and Guy Gardner, Bar Room Brawl Starter, have a short discussion about what to do next. Guy feels like he should die battling gods and Simon Baz thinks Guy should not die battling people that just think they're gods but cannot compare to Allah, true light of mercy and redemption. They'll probably compromise and either not die battling gods, or die battling people that think they're gods.

Over on New Genesis, Malhedron brings up a good point about the cosmic cold war between New Genesis and Apokolips.

Somebody get Highfather a copy of Wargames pronto!

Simon and Guy (they should open a business together. "Simon and Guy's Bagels." Or, um, something) visit Cyborg because Cyborg has the technology to transport them to New Genesis. But Cyborg, being young, is still holding a grudge against Simon Baz for trying to save the world by beating up the Justice League when Superman and Wonder Woman were first starting to get freaky. But he doesn't even know Guy!

How can you not like Guy's response to this?! I hate people that hate Guy Gardner! Hate is a strong word but I think it's called for in this instance.

Hal is a douche, Vic. Don't trust that idiot! Trust Simon and Guy! They're the lanterns you're going to have to deal with on a semi-regular basis from now on. Anyway, when was the last time Hal was around to help the Justice League? That asshole completely abandoned you guys!

Victor wants no part in sending Simon and Guy to New Genesis via his BOOM Tube technology. I think maybe they need to make a call to Alfred Pennyworth! Is this issue going to end with Victor waking up on the floor woozy from the cyber-drugs and thinking, "Not again!"

Simon Baz threatens to shut down STAR Labs and put Vic's dad out on the street. And instead of Vic saying, "Good! Fuck that asshole!" he says, "*grumble mumble rumble* Fine."

Simon and Guy (I can't not type that without picturing them flying down the streets of San Francisco in a gold Chevy Nova) don't trust the Justice League to take care of the Earth while they're gone, so they bring in some outside Lantern help.

Someday, B'dg is going to snap, gather up all the Green Lanterns in his cheeks, and look cute as all hell!

Simon and Guy request that Cyborg BOOM Tube them somewhere out of the way on New Genesis. I think that's the kind of request you make to people that you haven't just threatened. So I don't think it's a mistake or a miscalculation or an accident on Victor's part that he BOOM Tubes Simon and Guy directly on top of Malhedron and Dia. The fact that Mal and Dia were currently naked and about to BOOM Tube their own selves is just a happy coincidence.

The good thing, which Simon and Guy don't realize at the time, is that Malhedron, originally from Apokolips, is beginning to question Highfather's need to defeat Darkseid at the cost of everything else in the universe. I still think a copy of Wargames would help him understand what he's doing is wrong.

In the moment (because Malhedron needs time to recognize allies!), Mal and Dia try to kill Simon and Guy. But Highfather stops them. I guess Highfather likes to watch Mal and Dia fuck so he was alerted to the Lantern invasion as soon as it happened. He orders Mal to put Simon and Guy in a Miracle Prison where they shall be interrogated by Malhedron. That's when he'll realize these guys are his allies!

Red Lanterns #36 Rating: This is one of my favorite comics but it only became so after Charles Soule began writing it. Or after Guy Gardner joined. It's hard to separate the two, really! This comic book had such a hard time finding its voice that I'm nervous about what's going to happen to it once Soule leaves DC for good to go be a stupid dumb dumb head over at Marvel. I like to embrace my bitter, wounded, oft betrayed inner child!

New Guardians #36

Fear or urine? Perhaps both?

Wasn't Kyle Rayner chosen by Ganthet while Rayner was pissing in an alley? Or was that just a weird sex dream I had recently?

Judging by the cover, it doesn't look like Kyle's trip to New Genesis goes very well. Here's how I think this book will go.

Kyle: "Nice planet you have here."
Highfather: "You are a huge puss. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Chill, dude."
Highfather: "You are less than something that is less than nothing. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Yo, Carol, let's hit the bricks."
Highfather: "I have tried being polite! Now I must kill you!"
Huge fight breaks out. Just before Kyle almost dies, some New Genesissian whom Highfather once called a ponce saves Kyle and Carol and they escape to the surface of the planet to await the next chapter of Godhead in which they appear.

That's probably way too specific! I should take a page out of Nostradamus's books and be vague and ambiguous when guessing plot points. Now my entire guess will be off the mark and I'll look like one huge fool of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

This is the nice planet part! We should probably end things here and deem my prognostication entirely accurate!

The rest plays out just a tiny bit differently than I had guessed. Highfather practically calls Kyle a puss and Kyle practically tells Highfather to calm down but in such a polite way that you'd probably never realize they were seconds away from tearing each other's throats out. And in just six pages, Highfather and Kyle have worked out a deal.

I'm sure the fight is still to come!

Now that Highfather has the most powerful cockring in the Omniverse (it hurts so much to type that! Why don't I just use Multiverse like everybody at DC was told to do except Scott Lobdell because nobody actually likes talking to him?), he's going to go defeat Darkseid. Too bad all Highfather will find are a bunch of Batarangs and a pool of Darkseid's tears.

After giving up his ring, Kyle listens to how Highfather is going to use it to change Earth, turn it into a trap, and fight the war to end all multiversity wars upon the face of it. That's when Kyle says to Carol, "Was I too hasty? Should I have maybe asked a few more questions? Shouldn't you have stopped me before making this rash decision, being that you're an experienced business woman and I'm just a lowly comic book artist that gets suckered into horrible contracts all the time?"

This is where Highfather calls Kyle a big puss.

See? I think the narrative is going to play out fairly closely to how I predicted it would except for the part about the ring being given up immediately!

This is where Kyle says, "Chill, dude!" and then Highfather declares Kyle is less than nothing! Or however I said it earlier!

Now all they have to do is fight! Except Kyle has no powers, so I guess it will be Carol versus Highfather. That battle will probably only last a panel longer than if it were Kyle against Highfather alone with no powers. Which is why they're going to have to be saved by some New Gods that have issues with Highfather's controlling ways!

Carol's ring runs out after two pages of lots of pink ink. I think the only way to defeat him now is to start fucking so that Highfather goes, "What...what is that?! What are you...stop that! You're ruining the floor! Oh...oh...I'm going to vomit!" Then while Highfather is dry heaving a new universe into existence, Kyle can kick Highfather in the balls and yell, "I learned that move from Steve-O, bitch!" Then he'll get his White Ring back and save the day! And all thanks to Jackass!

Kyle and Carol get BOOM Tubed down to the surface of the planet. So technically they were saved by a New Genesissian, right? And I'm sure Highfather has, at one time in his life when Darkseid tricked him real good, punched himself in the side of the head and said, "You stupid, bloody ponce!" So I was completely and utterly correct in my prediction!

Highfather tests his new Life Equation Power on the planet Muz (Sector 3502! That's the place Von Daggle was hiding!--Knows Useless Stuff Tess!), turning everybody on the planet into Orion wannabes. That's when the Bohemian Guardians feel a disturbance in the Spectrum and realize Kyle fucked up big time.

New Guardians #36 Rating: Why is this book still called New Guardians? That's the only reason the Bohemain Guardians are in it! Otherwise the stupid title makes no sense! I liked it better when Bleez and that Orange Potato and the Nok Nok guy and Saint Sperm Head and all the other ones were forming a team. What will the next incarnation of the "New Guardians" be once Kyle refuses to hang out with hippie bastards at the end of all this? Are Carol and Kyle alone enough to constitute "New Guardians?"

Green Lantern Corps #36

I got this Lego Character for my collection and it managed to get half of the other characters killed while accidentally destroying all of my sets!

The Green Lantern Corps should shut down their operations for a few months and just observe the universe for a bit. You know, to really see if they're needed. So far, the only cosmic crises they've dealt with were caused by themselves or the fact that they exist. So they battled Volthoom who they couldn't bear to kill because he was the first Lantern and a historical artifact. They battled the Third Army which were created by the Guardians of the Universe to make the universe easier to take care of. They battled Relic who was trying to destroy them because they keep using their rings. And now they're battling Highfather who only wants the rings for his own selfish purposes. I think if you take the Green Lanterns out of the equation when looking at all the cosmic crises that they've been through, then the cosmic crises never happen at all. Perhaps it's time to hang up the rings for awhile, guys. Except that might be the biggest battle of all! Trying to convince a bunch of the most stubborn people in the universe that they're not actually helping.

Currently the Green Lantern Corps and several of their friends are vacationing on Qward. Or is it in Qward? Now maybe if they just stay there and ignore the New Gods, everything will settle down and it'll all go back to normal once Highfather realizes that Kyle Rayner, Comic Book Artist, is the only fucking dope in the Universe that can handle the White Ring. I mean, he's the only fucking dope that wasn't resurrected by the ring that can handle the ring. The same ability that allows a comic book artist to believe he's doing awesome work when he draws a woman with her ass and her breasts facing the reader at the same time must be the same ability that allows a person to master the White Ring.

One of the Bohemian Guardians suggests that to defeat the New Gods, they'll need every color of the spectrum. He stole that idea from my conclusion to last issue's commentary, the little thief! Also, it's the only conclusion Lanterns can come to. That's why Hal ran off to recruit the Black Lanterns and now John has decided to fetch a few Star Sapphires. Nobody seems to care about finding an Orange Lantern though.

Soranik has a right to be concerned! John leaves a trail of dead friends wherever he goes!

Soranik shouldn't worry so much. The Star Sapphires are already losing dozens of their members to whatever New God is attacking Zamaron. The one with the skull faced helmet and the bow. But a bunch of swords infused with White Light wielded by John and his small team which includes Kilowog, the Weaponer of Qward, an Indigo Eagle for teleportation, and a Green Lantern that's just a massive eyeball with tentacles (because the team needs a Red Shirt on it) arrive to save the day. Or at least offer a path to retreat back to Qward. Once there, they can sit around for a bunch of issues gathering Lanterns of different colors before assaulting High Father and finally winning the day, for some reason. That reason will probably be because the Lanterns understand emotions and we humans think emotions make us powerful and not weak like they really do.

Don't tell that to Ollie! He uses his bow in close combat constantly!

Stewart and his team and the Sapphires put up a less horrible fight than the previous Lanterns have put up against the New Gods. But they're still defeated. The Tentacled Eyeball is captured and the rest of the Lanterns trapped beneath an unbreakable net. Or is it truly unbreakable?! It has not yet been tested against the Power of Love! That's almost as powerful as the Heart of Rock and Roll.

Guy's never going to let John hear the end of this one.

John's love tethers him to the rest of the Corps and he breaks everybody free from the prison to take them back to Qward. Except for Penelops the Tentacled Eye Lantern. He's just too icky.

Green Lantern Corps #36 Rating: I'm sure there's probably something intellectual to say about the theme of love in this issue and the breaking of traditional gender roles and the courage of sacrifice and the humility of trust but I can't come up with any of it because John looked fabulous! I hope they come out with a John Stewart, Star Sapphire, action figure at some point. I like how it looks slightly as if he's in the ballet. Although I'd have given it more feminine touches than it has. It's a bit too similar to his usual Green Lantern outfit. And for a ring that's never had to concern itself with male versus female fashions, I would expect it to continue to create outfits it's used to, ones with a bit more flair and flamboyance, not to mention low cut shirts and bare midriffs and naked legs and thong behinds.

Green Lantern #36

I wonder how many covers throughout DC's two hundred year history involve a gigantic hand grabbing a hero? I bet the majority of those covers are giant hands grabbing Hal like this one or the giant hand is The Spectre's.

Across the last few issues of Green Lantern, the Green Lanterns have been learning that their most powerful weapon in the universe is a dime store novelty in the face of New Gods technology. And yet the New Gods themselves are treating the rings as the most powerful weapons in the universe. Which leads me to believe that all of the Lanterns are using their rings incorrectly and have no idea what the fuck they're doing. That isn't much of a surprise seeing as how Mogo has lost his ring and not one fucking Green Lantern has offered to give up their ring to save their own fucking headquarters. Somebody could at least pull the Sinestro trick and create a ring for Mogo! I'm beginning to believe that Sinestro isn't an arrogant asshole at all! He is the only person that knows how to use a fucking ring.

I'm going to adapt this speech for use at Thanksgiving on my own father!

Orion might be a loose cannon but even a loose cannon points at the right ship twice a day. Those rings are bullshit! I don't think Highfather needs them to defeat Darkseid at all! I think Highfather just wants a fancy set of cock rings.

Meanwhile the Green Lantern Corps are rushing off to ask Sinestro to teach them how to best utilize their power rings. Too bad they're headed to Sector 3502 instead of Sector 3567 where New Korugar actually is. Can't they do anything right?

Somehow, the Green Lanterns still manage to find New Korugar even with Venditti and his editors constantly fucking up its location. Unless Cullen Bunn fucked up its location! I have no idea where New Korugar really is now!

The entire universe is about to go down the toilet, Bohemian Guardians. Don't fuck up your only chance at saving it by insulting Sinestro!

Don't worry, Sinestro! As I've already pointed out, I know you're the most powerful Lantern in the universe. Kyle Rayner? Most powerful? Don't make me rant!

Hal Jordan's plan for battling the New Gods is to ask William Hand for assistance. The Bohemian Guardians forbid Hal Jordan from recruiting the Black Lanterns to his army. But what right do they have to tell Hal Jordan what to do? They aren't real Guardians! They have no authority here! Which is why Hal Jordan, according to the cover, is probably just going to ignore them.

Sinestro, being Hal Jordan's truest friend and most hated enemy, gives him a good pep talk that involves very little pep and lots of punching. But it serves its purpose! Sinestro convinces Hal Jordan to do what Hal Jordan does best: do something completely irrational!

Dammit! I don't want to find common ground with Hal Jordan! But I think this is why my uncle, an engineer for Lockheed Martin, enjoyed playing Chess with me when I was a stripling. Because my game playing was such a terrific, thoughtless mess that it made it a challenge to beat me.

Sinestro takes the Green and Yellow Lantern Corps to Qward to hide from the New Gods until Hal Jordan can bring back some fodder for the upcoming battle. And that fodder will be given to him by Black Hand and the Black Lantern Corps.

The Black Hand is busy on Earth being the lovable, B-list villain loser he's always been at heart. He's just hanging out in Coast City waiting for Hal Jordan to resume his old school adventures battling villains that never should have posed him much threat as they robbed banks and mugged joggers. He's decided to enjoy an old fashioned circus while he waits for Hal to return to his old school ways.

Why isn't Dick in the act? Oh my God! Dick Grayson isn't really dead!

Hal Jordan asks Black Hand to gather up his ridiculous army and join the fight against the New Gods. I'm sure he'll say yes.

Green Lantern #36 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Sinestro and The Black Hand were written to my liking. But the Green Lantern Corps themselves aren't doing much to help the ranking of their own book! The jerks abandoned Mogo when they could have easily helped the big guy out! Stupid assholes. Hal Jordan should have marched up to one of those asshat Green Lanterns that refuse to use their ring because of Relic's Peak Emotion Theory, snatched the ring off of their finger, and given it to a great big lovable planet that wants to use the ring for good. Poor Mogo. Nobody fucking cares about Mogo.