Convergence: Blue Beetle #2

Fists for everybody!

Here's a secret: I hate you all. You all disgust me.

Now please enjoy this review I wrote especially for you!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2 was written by Scott Lobdell which means you probably love it. You have absolutely no taste. Your ability to discern intelligent, well-crafted writing is as vibrant and alive as a still born baby in the toilet of the downstairs bathroom at a junior prom. Your approach to living is as haphazard as a seventeen year old boy trying to undo his first bra on his exasperated underage cousin who only got into this situation because she wanted to see her first erect penis and was willing to endure some awkward groping of her newly budding breasts to satisfy her curiosity. That last sentence probably titillated you, you disgusting perv. I can't believe I'm writing this review for you.

Even I never assumed Lobdell could Lobdell a first page even worse than he usually Lobdells it.

Somebody once said (and I know it wasn't you because the last time an original thought flitted its way through your mind, Bill Cosby had yet to rape his fourteenth victim. So, you know, a long time ago) that the first page of a comic book sells the comic book and the last page of the comic book sells the next one. This page is not trying very hard to sell anything except blue paint for the walls in your downstairs pantry. I don't know who said that previous thing about first pages because most of my brain space is used for coming up with original thoughts (as opposed to yours which is mostly used for remembering the items on the Taco Bell menu). It is not used for remembering quotes or who they should be attributed to.

Blue Beetle's question "How hard can it possibly be..." ends with "...to fight a flying legion of super-heroes?" He goes on to say, "You know -- when I started that question it was supposed to be rhetorical." It still is rhetorical, Blue Fuckyou. It's rhetorical because it's a silly question meant to show that you realize the odds are stacked hugely against you. You never once fucking expected a realistic answer that would somehow save you from the situation you've found yourself. But guess what? I suppose you morons reading this commentary probably chuckled at it. You probably thought, "Why that Blue Beetle! Always keeping his sense of humor even in the face of overwhelming teenagers!" No wait. You never would have said that because it only played on a cliche and didn't actually deliver one. Replace "teenagers" with "odds" and that's more like something you'd say. Also maybe misspell a few words and punctuate the statement like Howard Mackie might. Or like Scott Lobdell considering his use of the double dash in the previous Blue Beetle quote.

Also, why is Blue Beetle asking the questions? It seems to me one of the other Charlton characters is much better suited for that task.

Firstly, "Blue Beetle" isn't a stretch. If you're Dan Garrett. I suppose if you're Ted Kord and you're just borrowing the name from Dan and have no actual relationship to the blue scarab, it's kind of a stretch. Secondly, how does he know "Cosmic Boy" is a stretch? He doesn't even know the kid's powers. They could be totally cosmic and boyish!

Blue Beetle pulls the old "Surrender and we'll let you live" routine that so many other Convergence characters prior to this have used. Now, it's not Scott Lobdell's fault that I'm reading his comic book nearly last and I'm as sick of this plot as I am of your breath, so I won't harp on it too much. But Blue Beetle is acting awfully arrogant for a guy whose only power is the ability to constantly verbally abuse his friends.

While Cosmic Boy, Timber Wolf, and Brainiac 5 speak with the Charlton gang, the rest of the Legionnaires float around in the sky in standard action figure poses. They must realize that there are far too many of them for Scott Lobdell to deal with. Oh, look how cute you are, turning red and sputtering because I ended that last sentence with a preposition. How much does it bug you that I know it and I don't give a fuck?

Typical Scott Lobdell. Everybody is more amazing than the next person right up until he's written enough pages for the month.

Tracy is in charge of a computer that can decode Interlac in 0.06 seconds but she doesn't know enough to realize Interlac is a language and not just a "something." Also, she doesn't know how to write her decimal correctly in her speech bubble. Not that it matters when Neanderthals like you are reading the comic book.

Colossal Boy shakes the Bug which will probably be the best part of this entire comic book even if nobody inside dies immediately from broken everythings. Instead the Bug teleports away, sadly not taking a few of Colossal Boy's fingers with it.

Jesus fucking Christ. Am I the only one paying attention to these things?! Hello? Comic book fans? Are you fucking literate? You people actually enjoy poorly written garbage?

Go ahead. Reread that page and tell me why it's fucking stupid. If you don't know what's wrong with it then you are not allowed to have opinions on whether comic books are well-written or not. Chameleon Boy begins a philosophical and ethical discussion about how if they win, a city full of innocent people will be destroyed. He has a problem with that. He's thinking maybe they need to deal with that instead of just going in and winning the fight. Catspaw and Robot Arms Snake Lass continue this discussion. It's an important discussion. But then Green Skirt Lad says it's a moot point because they're going to defeat these Charlton guys easy-peasy. Which is not a "moot point" at all but the entire point of the fucking conversation! Fuck you, Green Skirt Lad!

Blue Beetle needs precisely six minutes to enact some plan that will be so amazing that they'll beat Telos at his own game. Captain Atom's plan to distract the Legion of Super-heroes?

Poorly set-up and contrived one-liners!

No! Stop it, you! Do not laugh at that. I understand it's hard for an unimaginative moron not to laugh at all of the simple-minded bullshit that the entertainment-industrial complex spews into your eager for any kind of entertainment face receptacle. But if you're going to read my comic book reviews, I need you to have some kind of minimum standard. I'm not exactly sure where to set the bar for jokes you may find funny but I know Scott Lobdell's jokes are far, far beneath that bar.

Legion fails to stop Captain Atom even though they outnumber him infinity to one but I guess we're all still waiting on Blue Beetle's plan to save everybody. His plan is whatever and it whatevers then they all whatever and Telos smiles knowingly.

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2 Rating: I'm not going to give this comic book any rating because that would only encourage Scott Lobdell.

Divergence: Black Canary
"The newly rechristened band Black Canary seems to be a magnet for trouble...and Dinah's not gonna believe it when she finds out the reason why!"

What was wrong with the name "Ashes On Sunday"? It was more upbeat than Black Canary!

Does nobody else have a problem with Black Canary being the lead singer of a rock group? It seems a bit irresponsible. All it takes is one slip up, one well-timed mind control attack by a super-villain, one wrong note...and the heads of everybody in the audience explode. I guess Black Canary has walked away from worse disasters without any consequences. Like that time she and her Birds of Prey blew up an entire hotel without evacuating any of the occupants.

Black Canary and her band cause trouble at every venue in which they perform. Why? I don't know. Is Blue Devil in the band? He was a weirdness magnet, remember? I think Black Canary must be a violence magnet. She does try to smooth over all of the trouble when it confronts her but I guess her tour schedule is too hectic for her to pay people or apologize to people or to break up with people or to do anything except flee from city to city with a wave of angry people following in the band's wake because these angry people apparently don't have lives of their own.

I don't get it. This Sneak Peek doesn't make me want to read this comic book. It makes me want to murder everybody lining up at the Hawthorne Theater every night. It also makes Black Canary look like a huge dick. I think it's supposed to portray her in the opposite way because she tries to make amends with all of the angry people gathered at her show. But why does she leave so many angry people in her wake? Because she's a huge, selfish, narcissistic dick, right?

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #2

Chip Kidd needs to work on measuring out half of each cover. It's his fault my lines don't meet up!

Here we go again! I'm about to shit all over Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes even though I really enjoyed the last issue! I'll never admit to it! Except in that last sentence. So don't read that sentence again! And it would be best for all involved if you forgot all about it.

Last issue ended with 30th Century Metropolis being invaded by Atomic Knights and huge Dalmatians. This issue will probably be 24 pages of Superboy crying about Krypto. I hope it isn't that many. I hope at least a few pages are spent on Superboy and Ayla fucking.

This issue begins quite seriously with the Atomic Knight Gardner reminding his Atomic Wench how the super-heroes failed to save the world from nuclear annihilation and how he huddled in a bunker for 18 whole days waiting for the bombardment to end. Eighteen days?! What a nightmare! I'm not being sarcastic! How did he not go insane? I flip the fuck out when a web page takes a few seconds too long to load! The mood is somber and dark and Gardner accepts that he must go murder these super-heroes to save his world. And the heroes deserve it for failing the world so many years ago. So he dons his armor, marches outside, and climbs onto a gigantic dog.

Why does Stuart Moore hate people who aren't crying?!

This memory of Superboy's will probably tie into the theme later. Or else Stuart Moore is just a jerk and he likes to make readers feel bad. Maybe Ayla's neck will be broken in the upcoming fight and Superman will grab an axe and be all, "We'll, we don't want her to suffer!" WHACK! Then Brainiac 5 will be all, "NO! It's the 30th century, you 4th Level Intellect! Remember what I just told you earlier in the story?! She just needed a Broken Neck Patch!"

Superboy returns from his memory as Gardner the Atomic Knight is all, "Surrender or we release the plague!" And Superboy is all, "We surrender!" But Brainiac 5 is all, "Don't you know anything, you 5th Level Intellect?! They can't kill us with a plague! We've cured everything in the 30th Century!" And Superboy is all, "Those horses remind me of Krypto! Waaaaaah!"

Sunboy or Orange Shirt Lad or Inappropriate Time For Jokes Kid makes a Monty Python crack about the Atomic Knights. That warrants a laser blast to the face and the fight is on!

While the lower level intellects brawl, Brainiac 5 and an Atomic Knight named Sir Smartnerd work together to try to interpret the strange message they both received from Planet Brainiac.

Penetra-vision makes my butt hurt!

The Legion can't figure out how to combine their powers to defeat knights in armor with lasers so they just get their asses handed to them. Gardner threatens to shoot Invisible Kid in the head if Superboy doesn't surrender but Superboy is all, "I don't see any Invisible Kid! Go ahead and pull the trigger! *snicker*" And Invisible Kid is too unconscious to say, "Mon dieu!"

Wildfire shows up to save the day because he's not dead anymore. Once the dome disappeared he was finally able to put his clothes back on so that he can have a human form.

Losing his hostage, Atomic Knight Gardner resorts to a different threat. He's got a jar of Morticoccus! That sounds like a terrible Off-Broadway musical that I really want to go see now.

I make that tough not-killing decision every hour I'm out in the public! I'm a hero!

The Atomic Knights make peace with the Legion of Super-heroes because they're brave or something. Brainiac and Sir Smartnerd arrive to tell everybody that they discovered Planet Brainiac is transitioning from one reality to another. That's when the earthquake hits, signaling the nearing end of this story. And Superboy and Ayla haven't even copulated yet.

Close enough. I guess. I'm so unsatisfied!

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes #2 Rating: This story was more like the Superboy and Legion of Super-heroes that I'm used to: bland! Even the kiss between Superboy and Ayla was disappointing. They're young! They should be grinding their crotches together as they smooch! I wonder if the Legion Flight Rings come with Chastity Fields? This issue scored Five Horse Dogs out of Ten.

Divergence: Teen Titans
"The Titans must uncover the truth behind Superboy's crimes -- or they all might end up serving time with their former teammate."

This issue begins with the Teen Titans sparring with the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron. Kid Flash is back from the future prison planet he and Solstice had been imprisoned on because that plot was dumb and Scott Lobdell fucked everything up. So now Bart is back and we're all just going to forget about what an awful Marvel character Scott Lobdell turned him into in the last Teen Titans run, aren't we? Just like we're going to try to forget the horror of Ann Nocenti's Klarion since he's joined this comic book. I guess Solstice doesn't get a second chance though? Why would Bart leave her in the future?! Weren't they in love?

Oh wait! I'm probably supposed to think that never happened. I'm probably supposed to be super excited about all the new young characters joining this book and ignore all of the past problems Scott Lobdell created by sodomizing the Teen Titans against their will for three long years. Is this New DC Comics spectacular supposed to freshen up the Titans? Are we pretending Scott Lobdell's run never happened? It'll be hard for me to let it all go because it left scars but I can try!

This short story finally has Red Robin realizing that he made a mistake jumping immediately into bed with Manchester Black. Tim wants nothing to do with STAR Labs now because they want to hunt down Superboy and lock him up. Tim and the other Titans want to help Superboy and figure out what happened with all the murders he's being blamed for. Wonder Girl and Power Girl are siding with Black so they've joined the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron with Kid Flash and Klarion and The Guardian and probably the Legion of Newsboys.

So that's the setup for the Titans near future. Two sets of Titans at odds with each other. Genius Manchester Black facing off against Genius Harvest Red Robin. Kid Flash back from the prison planet of Takron-Galtos without Solstice. Skitters still missing in action because her character was an awful idea. And a whole bunch of crap I'll probably lose interest in rather quickly. Teen Titans, you are on notice! Will you be the first DC Comics book I drop when the universe soft reboots? I hope so!

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #1

Superboy and Legion of Super-Hero fans should stop reading right now!

I do not like Superboy. I do not like the Legion of Super-Heroes. Not because I've read every single issue of everything they've ever been in and come to the logical conclusion that none of it is very good. It's the exact opposite of that! I've never read any fucking issue of anything that these characters have ever been in (besides that Superboy story where he has to always have an extra candle on his cake and the New 52 Legion stuff. But I can't count those or else I can't say that I've never read any fucking issue of anything that these characters have ever been in!) and I've come to the logical conclusion that none of it is very good.

I know there are, for some ungodly reason, die hard fans of these characters. But this commentary isn't for you! I've tried to shield y'all once by telling you to stop reading! This is your final warning! I mean it! If you do, for some self-flagellating reason, decide to keep reading and subsequently get pissed off because I refer to Superboy as a fucking douche nozzle drenched in post-coital cummy vaginal residue for the sixth time in one paragraph, just remember that I warned you. I fucking warned you to stay away! Sometimes dead is better! You reap what you sow! The soil in a man's heart is stonier! This ground is sour! Fuck off, ayuh!

I once wrote a commentary on Voodoo where I mentioned I knew nothing about the Wildstorm Universe and said that I was drunk (which I was). I then proceeded to insult the fuck out of Wildstorm fans. Maybe I started off insulting the fans? Who can remember? I was drunk! But then I got called out for using broad strokes to describe a group of people that I admittedly said I knew nothing about. I subsequently felt bad (for unknown reasons). I no longer feel bad. If somebody reads this blog, which is often all over the fucking place, and enjoys 98% of it but can't keep reading because of the 2% that pissed them off, well...um...I'll change! I won't write that thing that offended you anymore! I'm sorry!

No! No! I must stand by every single thing I say no matter how facetious or silly or nonsensical! Every single thing I write in this blog is fucking fact! Wildstorm fans are drunk male lunatics that fist pump in the air after every page of shitty ass narration boxing by Grifter! Superboy fans are oversensitive whiny jerks who bitch at me for using the Superboy tag when I'm writing about Superboy! Because obviously the tag is meant only for their slash fan-fiction roleplaying jerkfests! Fans of the Legion of Super-Heroes are probably a lot like me because I imagine Legion read a lot like a Degrassi Junior High comic book and I probably would have loved that in my junior high school years when I still could feel love! But now I'm a dried up old angry bitter shell of a human being and if you ever think anything I write seems jolly, fun, or whimsical, you're wrong! I'm dead inside and I hate everything except hating things!

This issue begins with a new Fight Card! Of course it does! Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes being trapped in Pre-Crisis 20th Century Gotham City would be ridiculous even for a comic book! So instead, this issue takes place in Pre-Crisis 30th Century Metropolis! And they only have one enemy: The Atomic Knights of Durvale and their Dalmatian Fuck Buddies!

Did everybody else read this in Robin Williams' voice?

Oh! Oh! I know who you are and what you stand for! You're Superboy and you're a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E!

This Superboy was actually a living weapon created by Jor-el and female Jor-el. See, back in the Silver Age, writers wrote a lot of crazy shit. And one of the things they loved to write were kid versions of adult characters. Sometimes they'd make a new character as a legacy character. But other times they'd just write stories from the adult character's past. And sometimes, they'd fuck up and mix up the two so that a child character that was initially about the adult character somehow became a legacy character! I'm looking at you, Wonder Girl!

Was the creative team for this book chosen as some kind of Alan Moore spell to end the drought in California? Moore. Storms. Farmer? Maybe if we all read it at the same time, we'll succeed in casting the Weather Spell! Let's all promise to read the names of these characters on Saturday the 9th at noon PST, okay?! We'll change the world!

Yeah, dude. It's been 342 days and you've probably been telling them the same thing every fucking day, you fucking douche nozzle drenched in cummy post-coital vaginal residue!

Superboy spends a few pages telling everybody where every single fucking Legion member has been spending the last year. I think that means this is the only Convergence series that will be a 12 issue maxi-series instead of a 2 issue mini.

Superboy ends his speech by playing the Krypton card once more. Boo hoo! You lost your home world! You understand more than anybody what it's like to lose everything! Wah wah wah!

Oh wait. I think he's telling that story to be uplifting and inspiring and not to be a whiny little buttsniff. Sorry, Superdouche!

I just had a revelation! You know who might be the real superdouche?! ME! I know, right?! Mind blown! Enlightenment! Emotional growth!

Dude. She wants your dick in her mouth. Or her vagina in yours. I'm not entirely sure which one but you should at least stick around to find out!

The next page causes me to take a time out because it punches below the belt. Fucking asshole writers. When Superman says he misses Ma and Pa Kent, I don't give a shit. Big fucking deal. When he says he misses Lana, I take a moment to stick my finger way up my ass to get a nice, comforting scratch in there. But when he sits down and one long tear drops from his eye and he says, "I miss my dog," well...fuck you, comic book. Fuck you right in the fucking comic book face! I won't allow you to get me to empathize with Superboy! So I'm going to go in the other room and pretend it was something other than this comic book that made me cry! Fucker.

Okay! I'm back! I tore out the offending page so that I never have to accidentally read it again and flushed it down the toilet! Then I called a plumber. Then I sat through a lecture from the plumber about flushing comic book pages down the toilet. Then I had to console the plumber, who just had to read the page he fished out of the toilet, as he wept about his childhood pet Budgie. Then I had to blow him because I didn't have the money to pay the bill. Then I had to rinse out my mouth and brush my teeth. And then I came back to continue reading!

Invisible Kid interrupts Superboy's baby time crying jag by saying, "Mon ami?" Hey, Kid! This is 30th Century America! Learn Interlac already!

Invisible Kid and a fraction of the other Legion members need Superboy's help to go smash through the wall of Brainiac's lab.

Nobody in comic books has any respect for architecture. Or they just don't know that doors and windows open.

Brainiac 5 informs the others that he was just having a moment with his cousin or son or twin or whatever, Planet Brainiac. He then insults their intelligence which is hilarious because they're all 9th Level Intellects while he's a 12th Level Intellect! But 9th Level Intellects are smart enough to know they're smart so they don't yell back, "I am not stupid!", like stupid people would. Calling stupid people stupid is the best insult because they're not smart enough to not care about being called stupid by some arrogant asshole and they get super pissed off about it.

After Brainiac 5 shoos everybody out of his lab, Lightning Lass continues to hit on Superboy by telling him a story about her ex, Timber Wolf. The story is less about how she always thought she'd see him again and more about reminding Superboy that she's available for a pleasant afternoon of face fucking.

She's touching your ass, Clark! Go for it!

If Stuart Moore were to ever read this commentary, I bet he'd be screaming at me, "Pay attention to the theme of loss and loneliness, you oversexed dolt! Forget about the soap opera drama!" Unless he'd actually think, "I'm so happy somebody noticed how wet Lightning Lass was in all of these scenes!"

Lightning Lass gets tired of beating around her bush, so she comes right out and tells Superman to stop crying about his losses and maybe focus on the tons of sex standing right in front of him.

I realize she's gotten serious here but I can't stop giggling at just about every image on the page. The soldier with two eye patches. Darkseid taking a hard, dry shit. Murder Lad beating Karate Kid to death as the Kid sucks him off. Lightning Lass caught in the moment with her eyes half closed. Lightning Lass's sock puppet expression as she's tortured by her brother. It's all so good!

And then Superboy finally gets the fucking hint! He gets all the hints!

Stupid powers returning ruined a good fuck moment. Although now I'm curious. Will getting Lightning Lass sexually aroused short out her powers? FWASH!

Oh! Here's some kind of weird hang-up that I have (as slight as it is): I can write all day about guys getting boners and hard-ons and chubbies and stiffies and rebar pants and pitching tents and swollen nymphloads and all that without thinking twice about it. But it always seems a bit vulgar to mention a woman getting wet! Obviously it doesn't stop me from doing it. I don't have a problem with either but whereas a boner seems G-Rated, an aroused and self-lubricated vagina seems NC-17! Deliciously NC-17!

This is the first time I read this speech after reading it nearly five hundred times so far where it sounded like a catchy vaudevillian tune in my head! I think the curvy font helps!

Colossal Boy and Phantom Lass show up to really ruin the sexy mood. I mean, I think it was killed after Planet Brainiac's speech but just in case, they arrive to piss and shit all over it. And once Ayla gets her lightning powers back, it's like nothing ever happened! And like she wants Superboy to believe the moment is lost because she refers to him--explicitly and purposefully and other words that mean she totally fucking italicized it--as Superboy! What the hell?! Am I reading that vibe wrong?!

Once the team gathers together to come up with a plan, Brainiac 5 tells them that he received a message prior to the one they all heard. The planet said to him, "We are here, but soon we will be there." You probably remember that from one of the previous scans. Anyway, he mentions that the speech patterns are vaguely familiar. Ha ha! He's going to be in for a surprise, amirite?

While the team discusses what the plan of attack will be and who decides on the plan of attack and who the leader is anyway, The Atomic Knights roll into town on the backs of their gigantic Dalmatians. They don't seem to be killing or slaughtering yet so maybe everybody will talk this one out, right?

Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #1 Rating: I really fucking enjoyed everything about this issue. Shut up.

Justice League United #10

The Legion of Super-heroes ruin everything.

Whenever the Legion of Super-heroes takes a trip into the past, they ruin everything. I don't think they ever travel to the past to stop some terrible event from taking place. I think every time they head to the past, they're simply manipulating events so that their timeline comes to fruition. They're no better than that barn owl Madame Xanadu who's always pretending to see some future disaster just to get a bunch of heroes to do her laundry or weed her garden. If I were a super hero, I would have a strict policy to only ever get involved with crimes that have already happened or are currently in the process of happening. Nobody's going to trick me into lowering a neighborhood's property value so that they can snatch it all up so they can sell it for five times its value to developers. I know that I could still be manipulated by somebody pretending to be a ghost or a monster but I think I'm pretty good at spotting the difference between a rubber mask and an actual human face.

Last issue, Brainiac 5 with his amazingly huge brain created a black hole which is going to destroy all space and time. I know some of you are thinking, "What an idiot!" But could you create a black hole capable of destroying reality? I thought not.

If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this! But, you know, with different names replacing "Infinitus."

I just wrote a song while I was scanning the above image. This is it:

I bought sake for Goblin Sake! DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!
You put your dick in an old gym socky! KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK!

Have you ever been mellow while listening to "Have You Never Been Mellow"? Philosophy!

If a tree falls in the forest and there are no trees, what the fuck? Philosophy!

If a Starbucks employee asks you to have a frank and serious chat about racism, say what they want to hear and not what you actually think! Friendly Advice!

Let me have another attempt at that caption above so I can get back on track: "If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this, it wouldn't really matter since I just spent $100 to get into the situation which led to me yelling that at the Madame." That's too long and awkward. It needs some workshopping but it's not even worth workshopping, so I'll just move on now.

1. You can tell the H.P. Lovecreep thing is a good burn because it's been italicized. 2. Byth is still an asshole with teeth. 3. How about not criticizing somebody who's trying to save your ass, Miiyahbin. 4. The pull is too "strong," StarIDon'tKnowHowToLanguageGirl. 5. You are in space. There is no sky. 6. Um, is it a bird? Or a plane?!

Hopefully you can match all of my comments to the proper places in the comic book yourself. Try bringing a little effort to these commentaries, sheesh. Instead of just sitting there naked and passively scanning the internet with drool sliding down your chin. Jesus. Take a shower!

Whoops! I couldn't really see you browsing! That was just the reflection on my computer screen.

Supergirl flies down to get stuck in the gravity well of the black hole too. No, wait. She's strong enough to save Stargirl and Equinox with her flying power that works by...well, I'm sure it's some kind of science.

Nobody's arms get ripped off and nobody turns into long strings of spaghetti so I'm beginning to doubt Brainiac 5 actually created a real black hole. Maybe he just created a hole with a pretty strong gravity but nothing that a Supergirl can't climb out of.

Nobody shall die this day due to the power of science words!

Science can only do so much to save the day because now math has determined that Thanagar's orbit is going to bring it into the black hole's event horizon soon. Have you ever been inside the event horizon at a Grateful Dead concert? I've only gone once and that was to score some LSD. It might be the only time I've purchased drugs on my own if you discount buying LSD off of my ex-girlfriend's sister which I don't think really counts.

Hawkman decides to evacuate Thanagar but before he can, Dream Girl has a precognitive daydream where she sees two planets side by side. So now that science and math have had their turn, it's time to rely on hoodoo! Dream Girl declares that they must move the planet!

J'onn's only saying that because a female dreamed up the plan, the sexist pig. Plus he's trying not to cry as he thinks to himself, "Why didn't my people think of that?!"

I bet if we could understand pigs, they'd probably be thinking, "What the fuck did we do? Leave us out of your sexist bullshit, you asshole monkeys. And while we've got your attention, fuck George Harrison."

Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan to use zeta technology to move Thanagar to a different orbit. I guess everybody will be okay if it's shoved into Rann's orbit. Is that okay? Two planets in the same orbit? Kind of like our second Earth that's always on the far side of the sun that we don't know about. At least most of us don't know about it. The callers on Coast to Coast AM sure know a heck of a lot about it!

While they're coming up with a plan, Brainiac 5 asks White Witch to use her magic to help amplify the science. I don't know if that makes any sense but White Witch can amplify me anytime.

This isn't fair to Supergirl since obviously the future is going to have finer asses.

The planet is placed next to Rann in its orbit because Brainiac 5 knows what he's doing. Probably. Who am I to question a Twelfth Level Intellect! I can barely spell "twelfth"! I'm sure their gravitational fields won't fuck up everything on both planets.

Too bad Czarnia wasn't still extant! They could throw them in the mix just for fun!

Ugh! Gross! I hope it did change what happened between you if what happened between you is what I think happened between you! Stay away from my Supergirl, you green penised fartturd!

I called him a "fartturd" because he's Coluan. Get it? Sometimes my passion for Supergirl makes me a little racist and ablest. Fucking Michael, you handicrapable girlfriend thief!

Byth has been defeated, Infinitus turned back into a child, and a black hole was created nearby but fuck it. I'm sure it won't be a problem. The Legion of Super-heroes head back to the future with Ace Ultra where they'll probably just kill him when they get out of J'onn's sight. Adam and Alanna Strange are reunited and they kiss and fuck in that creepy way that professors kiss and fuck their students. *shudder*

How old is Stargirl? Three?

The team decides to stay together because they somehow didn't get cancelled in the DC June Relaunch. At least the next story can focus on the characters that are actually on the team instead of thousands of different Legionnaires.

Justice League United #10 Rating: No change. I realize I don't comment much on the art unless it's really shitty or unless it hits me right in the aesthetic pleasure center. I'm not going to discuss the art in this issue because it was serviceable. Maybe it was good in places and maybe it was weird in places and maybe White Witch's bum was super terrific. But I can't imagine being a proper comic book reviewer and feeling the need to throw in a paragraph about the art in every review. How many different ways can you say "the art served the story well"? And do they ever get sick of mentioning how the "coloring fit the mood perfectly"? I just can't do it! Sorry, Jeromy Cox, if I never give you any credit. Your ability to color and shade pictures seems, um, adult? Good job?

Justice League United #8

Stop fucking with the DC Universe, Flash! You don't belong in this story!

When the last issue began, I was upset that Legion Lost had returned but I was more upset by the fact that it was only Part 3 of a stupid ass 5 part time travel story! So just imagine the conniption I had when I opened up this issue and saw this:

You can't do this to me! It's not fair! It was almost over!

Stupid time travel has caused everything to get fucked up, even the number of issues the Infinitus Saga was supposed to run. I hate time travel with an addendum! The addendum is that I love time travel when it's well done! Usually when the Legion of Super-heroes are involved, it's rarely well done at all! That was a steak joke! Okay, it wasn't a joke at all. But it would have been acceptable for Chandler on Friends!

The title page shows nineteen tiny heads of Legion members with their names by them so that I can refer back to them as I read the comic book wondering who all the people crowding each panel are. Although for some reason they missed Saturn Girl and Brainiac 5. I'm pretty sure those are two of the most important Legion members of all time! Maybe that was before they time traveled to a page where they weren't very important at all.

Oh, maybe they're not included because they did time travel to a page where they're not important! They're in the other five parts of the Infinitus Saga while the Future Legion gets to be in this part that shouldn't exist! Maybe if the other team is successful in the past, this issue will cease to be and I'll suddenly have four more dollars in my wallet.

I wish they'd put all of their eggs in one stupid basket and then drop it and smash all of their eggs to pieces and then cry and then get crushed by a whale.

Dream Girl was put in charge by Brainiac because she's so dreamy. But Star Boy was all, "I should be Star Man! Look at this beard! LOOK AT IT!" Then Infinitus appeared and he was all, "...". And Cosmic Boy was all, "Save the monkeys! Get the monkeys in the capsules!" And Bouncing Boy was all, "BOING! BOING! BOING!" And Triplicate Girl was all, "Ew!" and "Ew!" and "SWOON!" And Kid Invisible was all, "Mon ami! Fuck us! Erffreebuddy fuck us!" And Shrinking Violet was all, "I'm tiny! I'm tiny!" And Quislet was all, "Who the fuck am I?! Does anybody remember what I do?" And Matter-Eater Lad was all, "BELCH!", and then five new planets appeared. And all of the other ones said, "Should we say some stuff too?"

Dream Girl, being in charge, shouts, "Hurry! Put all of the eggs in one basket!"

No! Then you'll just have to repeat the first three parts but with you in it as well! ARGH!

I bet Dr. Krzzztell says some kind of mumbo jumbo about how that isn't possible and they have to be sent to the point where the story left off last issue! And that's just what he says! "The past is in flux, dumb dumb!" And she's all, "Hey! I'm leader! Just do what I tell you!" And he's all, "Well if you'd tell me things that can actually be done, maybe I'd do them." And she's all, "I dreamt you were going to get hit by a bus if you don't listen to me!" And he's all, "Engagage Time Bubble! Engergize!" And Dream Girl was all, "Why are you adding extra 'g's?! Is there something wrong with the past?!" And then they all travel back to the past to have their eggs smashed! Hopefully!

Legion appears just in time to save Martian Manhunter from Hawkman! No wait, that can't be right. Let me read that again. Let's see...Supergirl, Mon-el, and Martian Manhunter, three of the strongest characters in the DC Universe, need to stop Byth's ship. Okay, yeah, no problem. Then Hawkman appears and he shoots them all and keeps them from stopping the ship. Am I reading that right? I think something is seriously wrong with the time stream! How is Hawkman so powerful? And in space! How do his wings work in space?!

Anyway, fifteen thousand Legion members fly out of a time bubble and stop Hawkman. Whew! That was close!

But then they don't stop Byth's ship from taking Ultra into the rift. Ha ha! Do you hear all the eggs breaking?!

This is what a whole basket of eggs breaking looks like!

Justice League United #8 Rating: No change. So what?! Infinitus is here and the future is fucked! Who cares? Legion is now safe in the past. Just let him go do whatever he was going to do to the future. If Legion stays in the past then everybody in the future is still safe, right? They won't be dead until the future becomes the present. All Legion has to do is keep traveling back to the past before they get to the future and they'll keep the future from ever happening! Problem solved and Shadow Lass never has to die! She can just stay in a coma for eternity! Or something. It's possible I don't know what I'm talking about. But that's perfect since Lemire has no idea what he's talking about either!

Justice League United #6

Supergirl cannot exist as a Lego character because Lego people do not have bums.

Why won't my stupid fucking laptop stay fucking connected to this fucking bullshit Xfinity piece of motherfucking shit fucking fuck fucked up fucking Gateway?! fuck fuck FUCK (I need a font that has an intermediary look between small letters and capital letters for that middle fuck!)! Fuck you, Comcast! Can you send a representative around to my place so I can punch that representative square in the throat? Now that would be some customer service!

And fuck all you pretentious assholes who wish I would swear more creatively! Shove a fucking fuck right up your fuck hole! Fuck is perfectly adequate in expressing blind rage! I'm not doing this to entertain your ivory tower sensibilities and Shakespearean wet dreams. If you want creative swearing, go read a sailor's blog! Or some holier than thou nitwit's self-induced spoogefest of a webpage who believes that anyone who constantly uses 'fuck' instead of making up something like 'dickclitoris!' whenever they stub their toe is a complete and utter cumdragon. Eat my ass vagina, you cock-mackerel!

Now I'm in the right mood to read Jeff Lemire's attempt at the worst story he's ever written!

By the lopped off foreskin of a half-Jewish sorcerer! He's already hitting puberty!

While Equinox babysits Ace Ultra (who should be old enough to take care of himself in a few hours), Justice League United and the Legion of Super-heroes battle Byth's super-mercenaries (The Cadre) up on the surface. And since Supergirl is on Earth and in the fight, some stuff must have happened between the end of the Annual and the beginning of this issue. Either the story has jumped ahead or I suffered a serious head injury since reading the Annual.

The Cadre are missing two members: Crowbar and Fastball. Crowbar was last seen in Vibe where I mistook him for a new creation by Sterling Gates but Sterling Gates left a comment saying, "No, you tightly puckered pig's anus. After careful consideration and due diligence unless I mean proper research, I selected Crowbar, a well-established character in DC's canon, for this pivotal scene. You gay retarded monkey blister." I was surprised that a well-established, popular creator with such a fantastic first name would use a phrase like "gay retarded monkey blister." He probably should have just went with "you fucking fuckity fuck." It is possible, although quite unlikely, that I'm remembering the quote incorrectly. Another possibility is that I just made the whole thing up and am pretending to have gotten the quote wrong to distance myself from the creation of the insult "gay retarded monkey blister."

The members The Cadre isn't missing are Overmaster, Shatterfist, Black Mass, Nightfall, and Shrike. I guess Overmaster is a middle management asshole that micromanages The Cadre; Shatterfist relies on a very specific form of martial artists that only works against people making fists (which he shatters); Black Mass is a satanist; Nightfall is the elf I fantasized about the most; and a Shrike is a shitty tricycle. Together, they form a team that will probably get its ass kicked by the Justice League United and the Legion of Super-heroes.

See?! What is Supergirl doing there? Maybe it's an after image created by the Zeta Beam technology being so closely tied to her vagina.

FWAAASH!

See? There it goes again!

While Supergirl freaks out in the snows of Moosonee, Canada, Supergirl battles Byth far out in the Polaris System.

I'm fairly certain that's racist! Unless what Byth is doing is encouraging Rape Culture. Whatever is going on, I'm certain that something here is problematic!

Calling everything problematic is like the Biblical story of Chicken Little who cried wolf. It's why so many people have a problem with deconstruction. Because the tool is overused. It's like using a chainsaw to accomplish everything in your life. Sometimes you don't need to butter your bread while also cutting the table in half and losing a leg. Sometimes!

Justice League United Space Division is in the Polaris System to recover Hawkman. But he doesn't seem to want to be recovered.

Kicking somebody in the face is my go to way to convince them that I'm their friend.

Like an overpaid soccer player, Courtney takes a tiny hit and falls to the ground screaming bloody murder. Buddy turns into Sabretooth and rips apart some space cult guys before hiding his wedding ring and going back to check on Stargirl.

Back on Earth, Martian Manhunter and the others learn that Black Mass can teleport (not from Brainiac 5 who is spouting data about their enemies left and right and probably center but from Black Mass himself) when he teleports to get his hands on Equinox and Ace Ultra. Level 12 intelligence my ass!

Seriously. My ass is way smarter than Brainiac 5.

Black Mass teleports his victims to the Polaris System and then teleports Supergirl back to Moosonee. Except he must overshoot because she arrives back on page three! I guess.

Once Ace Ultra winds up on Polaris, he stares up into the weird space anomaly thing that's been anomalying in the background for a few pages. And then lots of yellow space demons come out of it and try to end the universe! Or begin the universe. One of those. I suppose the only difference between the two is the current viewer's perspective.

No surprise, Sardath can't get his Zeta Beam working because Supergirl's vagina is still shaken up from Black Mass teleporting her across the galaxy. So Brainiac 5 calls in Legion's back-up squad.

Fucking really? These guys didn't stop existing after Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell sodomized them for a full year and a half?

Legion Lost returning just brings up too many questions that nobody is going to answer for me. Like why the fuck was time travel outlawed after Flashpoint and then subsequently ignored by all of the shittiest writers at DC during that time (you know which ones I'm talking about! I just named them in that previous caption! Morrison also wrote a story with the main three Legionnaires visiting Superboy, so fuck Morrison as well!)? Legion Lost could have returned home at any time! Because look at what's happening here! Brainiac 5 and friends have traveled back in time? Too bad they didn't think to travel back to page one of issue one of Legion Lost to rescue their friends from the severe butt beating they wound up taking in that thing once DeFalco took over.

Justice League United #6 Rating: Look. I get that time travel sparks lots of ideas in imaginative and creative writers. But it also sparks lots of cop outs and plot contrivances and illusory motivations in the worst comic book writers. And it just completely screws up everything because nearly nobody can do time travel stories well. DC Comics, you fucked up huge when you lifted the ban on time travel because no editor wanted to tell Scott Lobdell the simple truth: characters from alternate time lines coming back to the past are breaking the fucking time travel policy! I'm sure Scott whined and pleaded and acted very smarmy when he pointed out that it's an alternate timeline where Flashpoint didn't happen so they still have time travel. You answer that by hitting him in the face with a rolled up newspaper and shouting, "NO! WRONG!" You don't roll over and say, "You're a genius, Mister Scott Lobdell!" Because that's both a lie and a huge lie. Fuck you for losing control of your New 52 universe not even one year into it, you stupid fucking assholes. I hate you, DC Comics. And you too, Jeff Lemire, for taking part in it! I thought you were my friend! I thought you were a good bet! Your name on the cover of a comic book meant something! Well, no more, sir! NO MORE!

Justice League United Annual #1

I don't think it's fair that some comic books have been going for three years with no annual and Justice League United gets one after six months.

Don't you hate it when people tell you that life's not fair? Don't you just want to punch them in the throat?

This is both an annual and a story about the Legion of Super-heroes, so I'm doubly not excited to read it. Hopefully Neil Edwards draws an adorable Supergirl bum. That will at least keep me turning the pages with my free hand.

When will comic books stop using this stupid fucking plot device?!

If the Legion of Super-heroes weren't meant to be, they weren't meant to be, Mon-el. And since you're standing their existing, it looks like they were meant to be! So chill the fuck out, sit down with J'onn and Ace, and have a good laugh about how useless changing the past to ensure a specific future is. After he kills Ace Ultra, will Mon-el have to go to a dance to make sure two specific people fall in love? What if he has to ensure fifty school children die in a horrific fire? Does he start that fire? He's already willing to kill a child to make sure he exists (which he already does so maybe he just likes killing children?), what other monstrous things will he do to make sure his timeline comes to pass? Which it already came to pass since, you know, there he is coming back in time to ensure it comes to pass!

By the way, Mon-el, did you ever think that the Legion of Super-heroes will die because they sent you back in time to kill Ace Ultra? What if it's this memory of one of the Legion of Super-heroes trying to kill Ace Ultra when he was a child which causes Ace Ultra to hate the Legion of Super-heroes and decide they must eventually be put to death? You ever think of that, Mon-el, you big stupid idiot?

And if you can't defeat super old adult Ace Ultra one thousand years in the future, what kind of a dick move is it to travel back in time and kill him as a child? Maybe you should travel back in time to when Legion was first formed and tell them they need to train harder and recruit some tougher members? Why is the choice always to go back in time and kill somebody? That was the plot to Back to the Future, right?

Mon-el tells Martian Manhunter that there is no other way. So I guess he tried the options I suggested already. Of course just letting the Legion die and not traveling back in time is another option. What's so important that the Legion of Super-heroes needs to exist? Do they really have that many die hard fans whose money DC can't stand not having?

This is part one of a five part story called "The Infinitus Saga." So it continues Lemire's bold choice to begin long story arcs in issues that probably should be stand alone stories, like Issue #0 and Annuals.

I was going to scan a panel where Mon-el tells J'onn that there's no time so I could bitch about how there is obviously plenty of time because he can time travel but then a few panels that followed demanded they be scanned instead.

That crazy Zeta Beam! I think it must be tied to Supergirl's vagina!

I should probably footnote that caption but I suspect regular readers deserve some jokes just for them. I should probably footnote "jokes" because I'm obviously using a non-standard definition of the word.

How come Adam Strange was having dinner in his space suit? Don't the Rannians have any clothing that he could borrow? Does he spend all day and night in that heavy suit? Aren't his balls chafing the insides of his thighs, thick with gooey sweat steeping in a bacterial stew? At least they don't mind if he gets drunk with his gun on his hip.

So that situation isn't going to be settled any time soon, so let's see how Supergirl's bum is doing in space with Animal Man, Green Arrow, Stargirl, and the rest of Supergirl.

Nobody briefed Green Arrow on Supergirl's penchant for punching people in the face when she first meets them?

The JLU Away Team learns that Hawkman's body is being held by a cult that follows Byth. And nobody in the Pleasure Station seems to worry about what just happened. I suppose when your clientele are mostly bounty hunters, you expect this kind of destruction every now and again. It's probably why the price of the Alien Anal Bead Bonanza is so high.

Back on Earth, Brainiac 5, Phantom Girl, and Saturn Girl arrive to prove that future heroes have no more imagination when it comes to choosing names than the heroes of the present. Saturn Girl, Supergirl, Phantom Girl, Stargirl. In one thousand years, the biggest innovation in super hero names will be putting a space between the words.

Brainiac tells a sob story about how some jerk named Infinitus destroys the future. I don't see how that's the Justice League United's problem! Take care of your own timeline, Brainiac! I meant that "Brainiac" as an insult and not his name.

Not surprising to anybody listening to Brainiac's long winded whine, Ace Ultra seemingly becomes Infinitus. Is that Infin-I-tus or Infin-it-us? I like the first one because it sounds like a disease!

While Martian Manhunter decides to tell Brainiac to fuck off or to eat shit, the other Justice League United team continues their hunt for the corpse of Hawkman.

The Zeta Beam must run on solar vaginal power. Oh, go read all of my Supergirl commentaries if you must know!

The Away Team runs into Byth again. I bet Byth has something to do with Infinitus! Especially since he had the symbol for infinity scratched into his temple. Infinity. Infinitus. See how similar they are?! It's probably a clue!

And surprise! Hawkman is still alive! "What?" you say, spittle flying across your computer screen. "But he was dead!" Oh ho, my amateur comic book readers! This is something you'll learn soon enough. Nobody stays dead in comic books! It's practically a solidified theory of mathematics. If X is a length of time stretching towards infinity, and Y is a dead character then something equals something else and QED the hero is alive again! I could probably make a more accurate equation if I had gotten a degree in something other than Reading Books.

Level Twelve Intelligence just means you think like other people categorized as Level Twelve Intelligence! It doesn't make you any smarter than anybody else. Unless that's exactly what it makes you. What do I know? I'm only like Level Three! That makes Brainiac 5 three times smarter than me.

Brainiac 5 might have nine levels of intelligence on me but he's a big fat idiot. Wait. Did I just insult myself too?

Why not allow yourself a year? Hell, take two years! The future can wait!

Is it just me or is Brainiac 5 looking a little Cobainian?

Kurt Cobain was really Brainiac 5 saving the future!

Byth starts talking like Harvest so now I get to hate two aspects of this story! The plot dependent on future events that must not come to pass and an antagonist that has planned everything right down to getting punched in the face by Supergirl. Did Lemire come up with this story in his sleep? There must be a twist to it somewhere, right? Maybe Lemire is just overburdened with Futures End, so he decided to write an easy story. Or maybe he just always wanted to write one of these shitty comic book stories! I suppose the least I can do is be supportive of his dream! From here on out, I hope this story pulls in all of the shitty comic book tropes that continue to exist for some reason. Oh wait! I know the reason! Because crappy writers keep using them!

When did a Level Three Intelligence prevent a person from enjoying comic books? Are these things suddenly being written down to Level One Intelligences?! I blame Fandoms! They don't give a shit how horribly Jason Todd is being written as long as his image is on the page.

Byth mentions that the battle between the Justice League United, the Legion of Super-heroes, and himself has happened over and over and over again. It's a time loop that keeps happening and I'm guessing the good guys win every time because Byth mentions he's found a way to break the loop. The problem with a time loop like this is that it isn't experienced over and over and over again! It's just experienced once by each person. Byth doesn't experience it every single time the Legion comes back in time! So that would mean that every time the loop happens (you know, the one single time experienced one single time by all parties at the same exact time), Byth claims he has a way to break the loop. Which means he doesn't and he winds up failing every time (you know, the one time).

Justice League United Annual #1 Rating: It's got nearly everything I hate about comic books! It's practically the television show Heroes it's so bad! But I think it's meant to be bad so I'm going to be all positive about it and like it in a totally ironic way because I'm super cool like that. I totally love stuff that is stupid, dude. You just don't get it.

Legion of Super-heroes #23

I'm already forgetting all of their names! Yay! More open memory!

It's time to say a fond farewell to the Legion of Super-heroes! So long, guys! It was nice knowing you! Don't let the door hit Uranus on the way out!

That was a space joke! I'm really good at space jokes!

What did the American astronaut say to the Russian astronaut?
Speak English, motherfucker!

I just made that up! I bet I can make up some time travel jokes too!

How many time travelers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why? The light bulb doesn't need changing!

Maybe I should get serious seeing that Brainiac is looking a little bit depressed. Maybe I should take a personal moment to say goodbye to each Legionnaire.

Polar Bear, as the least of the Legionnaires, I hardly knew you. Now, I'd never say this in front of other people so as not to be as insensitive as that fucking cunt Dorothy Gale, but I'll miss you the most. You have the ability to drop temperatures to Absolute Zero like nothing else in the universe. Literally! You'll probably be useless now without Sun Boy because I'm pretty sure both of your powers break some Law of Thermodynamics unless you somehow steal energy from each other. Maybe you can get a job making ice cubes for some Space Truck Stop somewhere. Hey, if you see Invisible Kid around (ha ha! Get it?!), tell him I thought he was pretty cool even though he was French.

Dreamy Girl, you were the most inadvertently sexy of all the Legionnaires. Even when you're doing a Naltorian Farewell, you make my dick hard. Look at you! Why are you kissing your middle finger like that?! I suppose I'm going to feel bad thinking of you as Wet Dream Girl from here on out because your man was killed in The Fatal Five's attack. But let's face it: it was his own stupid fault. He had the power of density and he couldn't make the rubble that fell on him less dense? Or made his head more dense? That's just poor training on his part. I'm also not sure just how useful you were to the team, what with not knowing if you had a premonition or a dream. And also how you'd have to take a nap to be of any use. But you added to the cheesecake and what's more important to the comic book fandom than cheesecake?

Sensor Girl, I just met you last issue and judging by your costume, I'm really sorry you weren't around more. But why would you be? What the fuck is your super power? "Manipulate Sensory Information?" Can anybody really trust you? Does your cleavage really look like that or are you fucking with my sight? Can I touch them to see if they're real? Oh wait. That wouldn't tell me anything because touch is sensory information as well! You might not even be humanoid! You know what? I don't trust you even though you look fucking fantastic and I'm ruining my chances of sleeping with you by not trusting you. But holy fuck I can just imagine being fucked by you! Manipulate my sensory information already!

Wow! I'm off to a good start treating all the females like sex objects! But what do you expect? I'm in a stable, loving, sexually fulfilling relationship. When I see an attractive female, I don't think, "I sure would like to get to know her and see what she's like and where life takes us!" I don't think, "I wonder if we'd have intellectually stimulating conversations over coffee and pancakes!" I think, "My penis is intrigued!" Monogamists of both sexes are the greatest perpetrators of sexual objectification there are! They're happy and fulfilled in their relationship but they're still going to be sexually attracted to other people. They just aren't going to act on it which means they don't give a shit about getting to know a person who turns them on so they just see a body that they think might be a fun night to romp around on. Thinking sexy thoughts is not wrong! Especially when Paul Levitz never gave me a chance to think sexy thoughts while pretending I actually like Sensor Girl's personality!

Although I love everything about Emerald Empress! She's my dream girl! Don't tell Vampire Tig!

Colossal Boy! Have we met? There are just so many Boys, Girls, Lads, and Lasses, how am I supposed to keep you all straight? I don't remember making any giant dick jokes during this series, so I have a feeling if you appeared anywhere, it was only for the briefest of moments. You must be the most useless Legionnaire when battling aboard a space ship. Although when you need a good prank, you're the guy I'd call! I wonder how many Legionnaires have walked out of their apartments in the morning to see a gigantic shit on their space ship? I have to ask: can you also shrink? Because if you can grow and then shrink back down to normal, how do your powers know when to stop the shrinking? Or is it just like getting an erection? You sort of puff up and then when you release your power, you shrink back down to normal. Although now I get the feeling you shrivel up in the cold.

Oh Ultra Boy! Your power is such a gimmick! How sad to have powers equal to a Daxamite but the ability to just use one at a time! Did you know the other Legionnaires call you "One Hit Wonder" behind their backs? No? Well, maybe it's just me. But I bet at least one of them does! Weren't you having sex with Tinya Wazoo? Do you ever think of her name and just laugh while you're going at it? I bet she laughs thinking about how "having an erection" makes you lose the ability to do anything else! I'll probably miss you least of all because I really got sick of how you had to shout, "Have to time this just right!" every time you switched powers. Go douse yourself in radiation so maybe you can get a new power that you can use with one of your other powers. You're the worst.

Brainiac Five. The Fifth Brainiac in the series. "I'm sorry. The User Name 'Brainiac' is already chosen. Might I suggest 'Brainiac Five'?" Have you fixed that Flashpoint Paradox yet? For somebody with 12th Level Super-Intelligence, you haven't actually gotten much done in this series. I do understand why you're usually so standoffish though. It's so hard for people like us to communicate with people with lower than Level 7 Normal Intelligence. And you've got Super Intelligence! And I bet the scale is exponential. Or logarithmic. Or something. Okay, so I don't have super intelligence! But I think I might be Level 12 Below Average Intelligence! So at least we can bond on the not being able to get along with others because their intelligences are so vastly different than our own! Right?! Oh, I have to go! IT'S YOGUHT TIME!

Duplicate Damsel, you are the most intriguing of them all! I would like a series completely about you and your duplicates. How does it work? Do you manifest the same personalities each time you split? Do they all have names and individual egos? And if so, what happens when you incorporate them all back into your being? If Duplicate Damsel #9 loves Bouncing Boy, do you also love Bouncing Boy when she merges with you? And do you lose your love of Bouncing Boy when she manifests? If that's the case, who the fuck are you, Duplicate Damsel Prime? What makes you you? Are you simply a cypher and the other ones are the individual and real beings? Their feelings make up your feelings only when they merge? Or do you suppress their personalities and retain only your own thoughts and feelings? If that's the case, isn't it like imprisoning them when they merge? Jesus Christ. So many ethical and philosophical questions surrounding you! You need your own fucking title!

Bouncing Boy, you are proof that the Legion will allow anybody into their ranks. What was the recruiter thinking? "You know what? We don't have enough members with overly comical powers! Let's recruit that kid that puffs up like a marshmallow and then sproings off of the walls like a drunken high bouncer." I know this next statement is going to make me sound shallow and judgmental but Duplicate Damsel's Duplicate that is in love with you must have some chromosomal damage. I suppose she could just have some sexual kinks. Who wouldn't want a go at a guy that can inflate and bounce around the room before penetration? Can you inflate your individual body parts? Because that would probably feel pretty amazing. Also, why would you come bouncing crazily into the room? Walk like a normal person, douchebag. There's already enough damage around headquarters as it is! Holy fuck, the other Legionnaires must be so sick of you.

See, Chuck? People like Element Lad here might take you more seriously if you walked into the room instead of bouncing off the fucking walls! Element Lad, you have one of those overpowered powers that are never used appropriately or else you'd probably end every comic book problem by page five. The power to transmute anything to anything else? I'm sure you have some limitations like not being able to transmute organic material like Firestorm or some other contrived flaw to keep you in your place. But between you and The Catalyst Kid, I can't see how you guys don't just ditch the Legionnaires and go off on your own! You turn shit into explosives and he sets them off! Every problem solved in one move! Sure, sure. You might accidentally kill a lot of hostages and innocent people. But I'm an American! I can hardly see the point in being concerned about collateral damage! Did you see the new Man of Steel movie? Superman representative of a Modern America! Just get the fucking job done and forget about who gets hurt and what gets destroyed! The bottom line is stopping the bad guy!

Shadow Lass, I know nothing about you. Although I'm beginning to think getting the right Legionnaires together would make for a fun drinking game. Shadow Lass can darken a warehouse. Then Bouncing Boy inflates and begins bouncing around the darkness. Colossal Boy grows really big and begins stomping about. Then everybody else runs around crazily trying not to get stepped on or hit by Bouncing Boy. I don't know where the drinking comes in. Maybe that happens beforehand so that everybody agrees to this stupid and dangerous game. I think everyone needs to be naked as well. For some reason. I think I was supposed to say goodbye to Shadow Lass in this paragraph but I barely even remember meeting her. And why does she wear a bikini? I'm almost positive not one male member wears a speedo. Even though that would probably be appropriate for Chameleon Boy.

Look, Legion, if you're not going to take this serious, I'm going to cut my farewells short. Harmonia? Why the fuck is that her name? Shouldn't she be Elemental Woman? Oh wait. I guess that one is taken. Well, she could be Elemental Woman Five. I've never liked Harmonia because I just feel like somebody is taking the piss when they list her abilities as "natural elemental." That doesn't make any fucking sense! It doesn't explain anything! How am I better prepared for having read that? She does have a really gorgeous dress though. And I do like her hair. Perhaps Natural Elemental is her shampoo?

While I'm trying to get all of my farewells in, some Science Officer Skank drops by to inform The Legion of Super-heroes that the Legion of Super-heroes have been cancelled disbanded. And now I know why Kevin Maguire was tapped to do the art for this issue.

Because this is his favorite expression to draw. It's called "Our Team Book Was Cancelled?" look of shocked bewilderment.

I think I've spent enough time saying goodbye to the Legionnaires. I have comic books to read that weren't huge failures! These clowns are just a bunch of unemployed losers at this point and they're bringing my mood down. There's still eight pages left to go and probably a dozen members that will make an appearance! Just get to what happened to Phantom Girl already so we can put a fucking tombstone on this sucker!

Interesting I should have decided this shit was over at Page Twelve because the Epilogues begin on Page Thirteen. There are so many fucking members and plots that Legion needs seven pages of Epilogues to close the fucking door behind them!

The first epilogue allows for Dream Girl to contemplate the last twenty-something issues and declare, "It's as if it were all a bad dream." I wonder how many fucking times she's dropped that line. Get a new schtick, Molestar! That should be her new name because of the Star shaped mole on her face. Molestar! Although she probably wouldn't be allowed within one hundred feet of schools or birthday parties.

The second epilogue drops a New 52 bombshell on all three Legion of Super-heroes fans!

Legion takes place in the future of Earth Two! Or not. I mean, it doesn't really make sense seeing that Legion Lost wound up on Earth Prime when they went back in time. Although maybe that's why Brainiac could figure out how to get them back! And Legion Lost ended up on a planet where the future was Harvest's future and not Legion's future. Except Harvest's first origin was as Captain Adym who was part of the Science Police of this Legion which means the future was this future. Oh fuck it. The only thing this proves is that DC Editors have no idea how the whole New 52 works when writing about future timelines. Y'all need some better understanding of your dimensions, fuckfucks.

I couldn't think of anything appropriate to call DC's editors so I just went with fuckfucks.

Karate Kid gets a cameo in Epilogue Three but since he's had less impact on this title than Sensor Girl, I'm not going to fucking say goodbye to him.

The final Epilogue ends with Saturn Girl having read the minds of the people in the other Epilogues and pointed out how dumb they were to ponder what might have been or what might be or what might be have been elsewhere when or what may be then but now in there over yonder in the future or who might have done that thing if that other thing had already been done. She just decides to live in the now which is all I've ever asked of this stupid group. It's about time you came to terms with time!

Legion of Super-heroes #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. It gets +5 for finally ending. Fuck me. I'm not having a go at any fans of Legion of Super-heroes in these commentaries. I think y'all understand how somebody that has never read Legion ever really probably shouldn't have been following The New 52 Reboot series! I get the allure of having a team that seems to have an infinite membership. But with so much previous history, it's hard to start them up again while taking the time needed for new readers to empathize and bond with any of them. My last and final comment on Legion is this: give me a Duplicate Damsel book!