Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #21 (Fourth Week of April 2018)

E!TACT! #21
Jesse Chris: A Grunion Guy Story, Eternity Girl #2, New Super-man #22, Detective Comics #978, Suicide Squad #39, Justice League of America #28, Action Comics #1000, Kick-Ass #3, Deadman #6, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Jesse Chris
A Grunion Guy Story
By Grunion Guy

         "You guys are the greatest," proclaimed Jesse as he flipped his long blonde surfer's hair around his head in slow motion. "Who could ask for a better bunch of twelve male friends! So rad!"
         Jeremy Scaredycat looked askance and turned red. Everybody thought he was blushing because he loved Jesse so much. But he didn't love Jesse as much as he used to love Jesse. He loved Surf Country and hated Valleys way more than he now loved Jesse. Like thirty bucks more even.
         "Hey Jesse," devil's advocated Jeremy. I mean, he was about to devil's advocate. He was actually just getting Jesse's attention in the last quote. Also he believed his argument so maybe he was just the devil. But he didn't want people to know that he believed his argument so he was pretending to just be an advocate. "We should spray paint 'Valleys go home' all over the place because I'm tired of my shoulders being ridden over."
          "Oh, Jeremy," patronized Jesse in that way everybody but Jeremy loved. Simeon and Jacob and Terence and Sebastian and Philip and the other ones all loved it when Jesse looked at them like they were Italian dogs being told to roll over in French. "Render unto Brad what is Brad's. Duh!"
         "That doesn't make any sense, Jesse," replied Jeremy to the audible gasps of the other eight men at the table. I mean ten? Maybe some of them didn't gasp because their mouths were full of Jesse. You'll understand what that means after the next paragraph! "The waves aren't for Valleys! They're our waves!"
         "Oh, Jeremy," Jesse continued in that patronizing way. "This rad pizza is my tubular flesh. And the Mountain Dew is my blood, Brah. Duh!"
         After throwing up, seven of Jesse's friends said, "We totally understand why you said that!" They looked dumbly at Jesse like a French dog being told to roll over in Italian.
          "Man, this is my last dinner with you jerks!" cried Jeremy as he thought about how much non-Jesse's-flesh pizza he could buy with thirty bucks.
          "Well, why don't you leave the tip, what with all that thirty money you have," scowled Jesse but in a righteous way. "And Terence can deny having ordered the appetizers!"
          "What?! Why would you say that?" asked Terence. "And I didn't order them!"
          "Oh my goodness! How did he know you'd say that?!" cried Sebastian! "It's a miracle!"
         "He knew I'd say it because I didn't order them!" denied Terence.
          "Are you sure?" asked Philip.
          "Of course I'm sure I didn't order them! My stomach can't handle all that cheese!" denied Terence again.
          "Oh, to hell with this!" exclaimed Jeremy. "That's him! That one! The one in the Pacific Beach t-shirt!" Several Valleys rushed in to grab Jesse.
          "I got him!" yelled Brad!
         "Me too!" yelled Brad! It was a different Brad from the Valley than that first Brad from the Valley.
         "Oh no!" screamed eleven friends of Jesse! "Let's challenge them to a surfing contest!"
          "Put away your boards!" exclaimed Jesse as he winked at the camera. Later he surfed for everybody's sins. That was the exciting part. But the important part was that he made it through the tube three days later as all the bikini-clad onlookers watched in shock and amazement. Everybody always remembered him forever after that, especially the way he hated gay people.

The End!


Comic Book Reviews!

Eternity Girl #2
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry

Rating: One of my favorite things in the world after Oreos are writers who tell people how to write. It's always so informative for people who think they want to be writers but aren't actually writers. Because if you're a writer, you write. If you're a person who wants to be a writer, you ask writers what it takes to be a writer. Luckily for my love of writers who give writing advice, Magdalene Visaggio (the writer of Eternity Girl!) drops some knowledge on us at the end of this issue: "[W]riting is about saying yes more than it is about saying no. Don't let your fear that your stuff isn't good enough stop you from listening to your instincts. You don't have to be a genius right when you start; spend time writing and figuring out what kind of writer you want to be, and then you'll know what ideas work and don't for what you are doing."

Let's see. I definitely say yes more than I say no, as people (for example, all editors) who constantly criticize my writing will attest. I definitely wasn't a genius when I started out (and have no expectation that I'm somehow growing into a genius the further along I go). I have spent time writing but I don't think I've spent enough time figuring out what kind of writer I want to be! Is that how writing is done? Am I supposed to have an image of me on the back cover of my first novel and write toward that? I want to be one of those guys smoking a pipe and banging tons of ladies. What's a look that says "I bang a ton of ladies!" since I don't think publishers actually let you stick a photograph of you banging a ton of ladies right on the back cover of your novel. And finally, I'm not sure if I'm following the advice of that last sentence because I'm still trying to parse it.

One more great piece of advice from Magdalene: "Live fearlessly, and honestly; this is the only life you get." That's pretty profound when you think about it. I mean, seriously. Think about it! Have you ever considered that you only have one life? I bet you haven't or else you'd be spending it smoking pipes and banging tons of chicks and/or dudes! If you aren't puffing away on a pipe right now feeling superior, you're wasting your life!

In my early twenties, I had that only life you get epiphany and stupidly told my current girlfriend. She, understanding my mind better than I did at the time, said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I thought it was obvious but I was apparently wrong because she saw my epiphany better than I did! Obviously what my mind was telling me in its stupidly grandiose way was this: "You probably need to break up with your current girlfriend." My mind was right but I was a naïve asshole who probably gave people writing advice and definitely shouldn't have told my girlfriend that thing that was basically code for "I need a new direction in life and some space and really need to change some things, especially one big relationship thing!"

I should probably review this comic book now. I'm not sure how I feel about this series after this issue. I liked the first issue but this one was just depressing. I'm starting to see how a book about a main character desperate to die can be a bit of a downer. The commentary on comic book continuity didn't help to make me feel any better by thinking, "Whoa! Was that post-modern? I think that was post-modern? What is post-modernity anyway? Is asking that post-modern?!"

Two point six out of five stars.


New Super-man and the Justice League of China #22
By Yang, Peeples, Santorelli, and Hi-fi

Rating: This comic book is less fun than it used to be. Three point one stars out of six.


Detective Comics #978
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz

Rating: You might remember how I said I was going to stop picking up this book because I hate typing the IV on Tynion's name, right? Well I did it! I took it off of my subscription box at the local comic book store! But I still have a couple of issues to read in the stack. This is one of them. I haven't read it yet but ignorance has never stopped me from reviewing a comic book. I'm sure this one is as mediocre and Tim Drake heavy as the previous dozen. Two point seven stars out of twelve.


Suicide Squad #39
By Williams, Edwards, and Arreola

Rating: I finally dropped this book as well. It's a shame it's been mostly bad for the last six and a half years since, seeing it on the shelf in December of 2011 while in Phoenix, Arizona, it was the impetus that got me back into comics and reading The New 52. If I had to judge the past seven years based on the quality of comic books I've read since that moment, I'd say it was a bad decision to walk into that comic book store. But if I had to judge it on how much enjoyment it's given me through writing about comic books, it was one of the best decisions of my life. But now, I must finally break up with this comic book because Rob Williams writes terrible one-dimensional characters. He isn't as funny as he might think he is. I suppose he doesn't give a shit if his characters' quips are humorous or not. He just knows he gets the same dollar amount per page no matter how shitty the quality of each page. Well, I finally give a shit and I won't read this shit any more. Point five out of ten stars.


Justice League of America #28
By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-Fi

Rating: Now that Lobo has left the team, I can finally read this comic book with clarity and objectivity. And it's not very good. For some reason, Orlando has decided that telling a good story is less important than stating a thesis and then restating that thesis and then grabbing the reader by the back of the neck and rubbing the reader's face in that thesis. I'm not sure why he even bothered to give the script to an artist. He could have just written "Inspiration is the most important thing in the world (after diversity, of course. But we covered that in the early issues)." The premise of this story is that super-heroes inspire people to greatness. That hasn't been the reality of comic books for decades (since Watchmen, probably?) but it's still a shared delusion that comic book readers all pretend to believe. Super-heroes aren't meant to take care of our problems for us because that apparently makes us weaker (although that's been the plot of every comic book since Watchmen. Probably); super-heroes inspire us to be as heroic as they are (except more heroic because we aren't invulnerable or good looking). But how could super-heroes be so inspiring if they didn't have inspiration as well? Nobody thinks up or does anything meaningful by themselves. Somebody has to do nothing but inspire before somebody else can think, "Oh! I hadn't thought of that! Now let me do all the real work while you go on singing or raising awareness or being famous or whatever." So super-heroes were inspired by a god of super-heroes whose existence they depend on. I guess without him, little Bruce Wayne would have just shrugged his shoulders after his parents were murdered and grown up to be another boring businessman.

Chronos has decided the way to defeat all the heroes at once is to kill Ahl, the god of super-heroes, with a magic brick. This is one of the few stories in recorded history that would be made better by a final revelation that it was all a dream. The other stories that would be made better by the dream revelation thing are the previous stories in this comic book series. Hopefully the final issue of Justice League of America will be Batman being awakened by one of his own long and painful farts. Then Alfred will walk in, make a sour face, and wave his hands in front of his nose before thinking, "That reminds me. Whatever happened to Batcow?"

One star out of seven.


Action Comics #1000
By lots of people.

Speaking of inspiration being the means to the end of itself, here's an eight dollar book with a bunch of stories all about inspiration! The stories within are best summarized by Geoff Johns and Dick Donner's story "The Car." It's about the guy who owned the car on the cover of Action Comics #1. The man's car is a metaphor for the man's life: he can either fix it or junk it. Superman gives him the option to make his life about helping make other people's lives better so they don't have to live the shitty life that led this man into crime. As Superman and the man speak, the guy says, out of nowhere, really, "Out on 45th, yeah. It used to get so hot, we always wanted to go swimmin' but there weren't no pool." As I read that, my eyes rolled and I blacked out for three minutes. "What the fuck was that non sequitur?" I thought critically. Sure, Superman mentioned the guy grew up in the orphanage on 45th. But who suddenly goes into some sort of nostalgic reverie over that comment? Shouldn't he just be like, "Yeah, I growed up there, Supes. What of it?!"

But being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know when dialogue that sounds unnaturally wedged into the story has been placed there to make a point later. So this man whom Superman lets go to fix his life or junk it chooses to fix his life by making the world a better place. And how does he do that? By breaking fire hydrants down on 45th so that the kids can keep cool! Thank God Superman is on the job to inspire people to make a difference! Can you imagine if those kids had to be a little too warm for a few weeks without this do-gooder's do-gooding?! I'm so glad Superman is out there inspiring us all to be our best selves!

Paul Dini's story, Actionland, is the best story because unlike Tom King and Scott Snyder and Geoff Johns and that Bendis guy, he doesn't think he has to be the smartest guy in the story collection. He just writes a dirty story about Mxyzptlk's sex life complete with rocket boners and purple-headed innuendos. I wonder how many young people will check this out of their elementary school library and get their first sexy time feelings reading this? They'll probably be confused and it will impact their sex life for decades after.

Brad Meltzer decides to twist the idea that everybody else came up with for this book: he has Superman inspired by the people he saves! But his story sucks because it didn't end with "I apologize for killing Sue Dibny."

Rating: I lied. This issue isn't about Superman being inspiring at all. It's, apparently, all about whether or not he's Superman without the red briefs. According to nearly every writer and artist in this issue, Superman's underwear is the most important part of Superman. And while some of them simply put the underwear back on him without saying much about it, Bendis seems to think his entire story hinges on mentioning it over and over and over again. I've never read Bendis so I'm now thinking, "This is what everybody raves about?" I'll simply assume this isn't his best work rather than assume it's typical of his writing. Although why would he write such overwrought pap for his big debut at DC? I'm not talking about the pages of underwear dialogue now. I'm talking about the prologue he's written for whatever he's doing next for DC. Once again we have a writer who believes their voice is so important to the comic book world that they have to bring about their vision of the Superman mythos by rewriting the entire thing. So welcome DoomsMongulod, the newest and worst nemesis Superman has ever faced! Working with Jor-el (because we haven't gotten enough reworking of Jor-el into a terrible person over the last few years (what is this fascination with making the previously glorified parents of superheroes into pieces of shit?)), Rogol Zarr (the Doomsday Mongul Zod Lobo mash-up) was the cause of Krypton's destruction in his quest to kill all Kryptonians.

Okay, maybe Jor-el wasn't part of this guy's quest. I should probably point out that Rogol Zarr simply says he promised Jor-el that he'd destroy all Kryptonians. That was probably meant as a threat and not a handshake deal. I just needed to add this paragraph because my facetiousness is hard to read in written texts to an online audience rabid to correct as many people as possible (whether they need correcting or not!).

58 stars out of 1000.


Kick-Ass #3
By Millar and Romita Jr.

Rating: Kick-Ass finally learns that she's not in a comic book. I mean, she is. But the premise is that she isn't. And she learns the painful lesson about reality this issue when everything goes to hell and she's captured by her nemesis. You can tell he's her nemesis because he looks different than all the other characters who pretty much look the same. That way when she encounters him, she doesn't have to think his name so the reader can say, "Oh! That's who that is! Her brother-in-law! There's no way I would have remembered." Now when Violencia appears, the reader can exclaim, "That's that guy! The really bad one! You can tell because he's covered in tattoos and piercings!" Then everybody in the coffee shop can scowl at that imaginary reader for shouting although it could have been worse. I almost made the reader shout, "That's the fucking cunt who almost killed Kick-Ass!" Then they really would have had a reason to scowl self-righteously.

3 stars out of 5. It might be standard Kick-Ass fare but I guess it's sort of entertaining if you've completely forgotten the premise of the first two Kick-Asses (which is also the premise of this Kick-Ass (I think. I've forgotten the premise of the first two)).


Deadman #6
By Neil Adams

Rating: Thank the stars this is the final issue so I don't have to feel compelled to buy another issue of this nonsensical garbage. I said "Thank the stars!" because I don't believe in God. But is thanking the stars any more reasonable than thanking God even when I don't believe in Him? Because now I sound like one of those wacky jerks from the seventies who believed in astrology and extra body hair and big orange vans.

Every cover of this series has had some kind of secret or special cover right up until this one. But I figure this one must have some kind of secret so I completely ruined it due to being convinced it was a Mad Fold-in. I'm still not positive it isn't so maybe I'll scan it into Photoshop and play around with it for a bit.

It's no good! I can't figure it out! I'm stumped as to how this cover is special. Maybe the fact that it's not special is how it's special! Maybe the only secret is the eye in Deadman's musculature?

Reading Deadman is like watching somebody have a stroke in slow motion. Did people at DC Comics simply accept the pages of this comic book without checking up on Neal? Editor Kristy Quinn must have been paid to not do her job. "Just accept whatever he turns in, Kristy," ordered DiDio as he wrote up a complaint to Human Resources about how long James Tynion IV holds eye contact. "It's not like he's going to come up with anything better on a second try. Did you read The Coming of the Supermen? No? Nobody did. Don't bother reading this either."

At one point during Deadman's "conversation" with Rama Kushna, he says, "You got no time to shut up and get on with it!" I have now spent longer contemplating the meaning of that line than the meaning of my own existence.

I think maybe this issue is a transcription of Neal Adams' personal conversation with God. Or maybe he's ranting at DC Comics for stealing all of his life's ideas and treating him like shit. Doesn't this sound more like Neal ranting at DC than Deadman ranting at Rama Kushna:

Neal: "Do you actually think I want to be here? You suck, you know that? This whole place sucks! If I could...I'd spit on you!"
More Neal, continued: "And you...you soulless witch...you have all my secrets and you hold them away from me!! I hate you...with a blue flame, Rama Bullpucky. You lie to me...and you compound your lies!! You're like a politician. You don't even know when you're lying."

Neal and/or Deadman seems angry at something but it's never really made clear. Nothing in this book was ever clear. It's the ramblings of a madman who gets to draw and say whatever he likes for a paycheck. I'm so fucking envious of Neal Adams right now! Who knew that by working hard your entire life at a job that earns you kudos and respect, a person can be rewarded with a paying soapbox to do whatever the fuck they want?! Why didn't somebody tell me this at twenty?! Instead, I've been on the non-paying soapbox trying to garner an audience by rambling like a madman! Stupid system!

Zero stars out of ten.

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Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Praise the Lord by Everlast
There are as many versions of rap as there are versions of rock. Maybe more since rock only has the two types: "I love fucking girls" and "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." I guess if we think of "Prog Rock" as rock, we discover a few more kinds of rock themes, such as "Don't help poor people because it hinders their ambition," and "I read a book once and I'm going to tell you about it now." Some people think the only versions of rap and/or hip hop that exist are "We're about to fuck, baby" and "Let's kill some cops." But this is Everlast so we get the white variation on rap with this song which is "I got beats and can rhyme better than all the other n-words, yo!" I'm not a white rapper so I'm not allowed to say the n-word when I'm being a bit jokey. If I were writing a serious treatise on whatever serious people write about, I would totally use it. The only other time I'd actually use the word n-word is if playing it would help me win a Scrabble championship. And then I'd probably make it plural to get the fifty point bonus and also so I could play it by pluralizing the last word I played, faggot. Although, I bet Scrabble doesn't allow players to use the n-word and I'd lose in a challenge. But they have to allow faggot because I was using the British variation of it, of course.
       Anyway, this song by the jump around guy playing a character named Whitey Ford was written to express how great he is at writing rap songs (presumably all about how great he is at writing rap songs about how great he is). At one point, he compares himself to Edgar Allen Poe which I thought was super clever because I recognized that name as a writer of psychological thrillers and sado-masochistic porn. He also mentions farting in a line where some people catch the vapors. Is that old-time farting? Probably!
Grade: C.

Crocodile by XTC
This song falls into a sub-category of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me" because it's about Andy Partridge's wife who left him. I think. Aren't all the songs on Nonsuch about that? I suppose every song in existence could be about Andy Partridge and his divorce from his wife Marianne if I think about it for long enough.
       The problem with this song is that it's on an album where I love half of the songs so much that it causes me to dislike the other songs even more than I normally would. So "Crocodile" and "Holly Up On Poppy" and "Humble Daisy" and "Bungalow" wind up covered in my spit and invective because I'd rather hear "War Dance" or "Rook" or "The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" or "Dear Madam Barnum" or "Books Are Burning."
       Also, I read up on this album a little bit and discovered that the supposed crocodile noises in "Crocodile" are actually just slowed down pig grunts. Being that I have no understanding of my emotional responses to things (if that emotional response is anything other than blind, angry hatred), I don't know if this impresses me or makes me feel like fool.
Grade: C.

18 Wheeler by Pink
Pink lets us know immediately in this song that we can't keep her down after which she makes me realize my categories of rock songs are completely sexist! Who knew I was sexist?! I certainly learned something today! Also maybe I'm racist and homophobic based on my Scrabble bit earlier!
      Anyway, Pink's song, "18 Wheeler," falls into the rock category of "I'm the girl that's not going to let you fuck her." So while my categories were sexist in their initial perspective, they still work, I guess. It's also a good example of how the "girl" and the "fucking" in my category are completely metaphorical. See, you thought I was really limiting myself in my categories while also being sexist, didn't you?! Well maybe you won't underestimate me next time now that I've pretended I knew what I was doing all along.
       Let me explain: the "18 Wheeler" is a metaphor for music producers. I think. And Pink is all, "You aren't going to treat me like a slave because I'll join the Underground Railroad. Choo choo!" Which might be a bit of an iffy metaphor, Pink. I mean, do you really want to compare yourself to a slave when you're a rock star? I suppose it isn't as bad as her song called "My Vietnam" in which Pink declares how helping feed the homeless one time in her life was as bad as Vietnam. At times, Pink can get really melodramatic.
       iTunes lists the album Missundaztood under the genre of "Dance & House." Who comes up with these things? I'm pretty sure this song is simply "Rock" or "Pop." It certainly doesn't make me want to dance. Especially when Pink pronounces "sword" as "suh-ward."
Grade: C.

Last Dance by The Cure
Most of the songs on Disintegration fall into a subcategory of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." That subcategory is "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me because she drowned or something just as tragic. Maybe she just moved on with her life and left me to wither in my heartbreak and pain." This song seems to be about the death of innocence, or the dangers of living in nostalgia, or, maybe, about a man who murders a woman he once loved when they were children because she doesn't love him anymore. It's hard to tell because every song on Disintegration sounds as if you've just taken six Vicodin (it's the only opiate-based medication I've ever taken so it's all I can compare it to! Otherwise I'd probably say, "Five seconds on a morphine drip!" or "Three spoons of heroin!" or "Tea derived from steeping twenty-eight opium poppies!") and learned to listen to music through gauze while somebody sits by you, holding and caressing your hand, reminding you of the death of every pet you've ever had.
       Disintegration really is an album that probably did more harm than good hearing it at the time of my life I did. What I needed was an album that had songs like "How Many Times Does She Have to Tell You No, You Stalker?!" and "Take Control of Your Emotions, You Jackass!" and "Get on With Living, Dope!" Instead I discovered this album which was all, "Why?" and "How could she?" and "Maybe She Can Love Me If I Just Invest Even More Time Than I've Already Wasted!"
Grade: A+.

Some Fantastic by Bare Naked Ladies
I've never before noticed how much this song sounds like somebody simply hit a tempo button on an 80s keyboard before ad-libbing some goofy lyrics. Do all Bare Naked Ladies songs sound that way? I'm currently convinced the answer to that question is "How did I never notice it before?!"
      I was just goofing around when I came up with my rock categories but this song is another version of the "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." But instead of being sad about it, this guy is all, "If I think about it enough, I'll come up with some ridiculous plan to get her to sleep with me!" Then he lists all of those plans. I think if he had one more verse, it would be all, "I'll buy a van and remove the handles from the inside door before learning which bus you take to work after which I'll pull up and ask you if you can help me find my lost puppy. But first I need to learn where I can buy chloroform."
Grade: B-.

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Letters to Me!

KB writes: There really ought to be an annual Superboy Punch! to clean up continuity. There are of course conflicting opinions about what should be cleaned up, but maybe we start with the comics events that have pissed off a lot of fans, and see if the criticisms are valid, or if there are better versions of those events. Like, Barbara Gordon. There are differing opinions about whether she was better as Oracle in her wheelchair, but I think we can probably agree that the rapey aspects of "The Killing Joke" are worth retconning away.

My Reply: Isn't one of DC's big problems that they try a Superboy Punch! every few years? They should probably just leave everything alone. I especially don't think they should let fans determine what should and shouldn't be canon. They're the worst people to be in charge! Like if I were to write only stuff Doom Bunny wants me to write about, this blog would be full of recipes that didn't have any cheese unless it was cheddar and only in super extreme circumstances. Also if there are nuts in the recipe, there shouldn't be any chocolate. Also every plated recipe would look like an orgasming penis.

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KB Writes: The young have never heard of Chesterton's Fence. It goes as follows:

"In the matter of reforming things, as distinct from deforming them, there is one plain and simple principle; a principle which will probably be called a paradox. There exists in such a case a certain institution or law; let us say, for the sake of simplicity, a fence or gate erected across a road. The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, "I don't see the use of this; let us clear it away." To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: "If you don't see the use of it, I certainly won't let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.""

To put it differently, maybe very simple solutions rarely fix the world because the world is a complicated place. Much more often than not, the "wisdom of youth" is more aptly called "the Dunning-Kruger effect". All in all I think it's a good thing that Tynion IV doesn't have the power to remake the world in his image, because good Lord imagine all the fences he'd rip down all willy-nilly.

My Reply: I think Chesterton doesn't describe his paradox clearly enough, or he needs to work on it a bit more. Sometime in my early twenties, I took up the philosophy that if I really despised something, or something really annoyed me for seemingly arbitrary reasons, I should actually pursue that thing as if I were one of the mindless masses to see if I could understand the joy of that thing. It's why I wound up with my tongue pierced in my mid-twenties. Although that also came about as challenging myself to do something ritualistic so that I could, even if only symbolically, feel like I'd made some transition between childhood and adulthood. I suppose taking my cross country trip in my Volkswagen bus was that as well. And that was a good metaphor for my transition to adulthood since my bus broke down halfway across the country.

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KB Writes: Can I admit that I miss all your daily thousands and thousands of reviews? Not that I want you to subject yourself to that sort of suffering; we've got only one of you so we should keep you in good repair. But, I really did enjoy all the hard work you did. Have you ever considered re-reviewing Cullen Bunn's work to see if you like it any better years later?

My Reply: I miss doing all of those reviews as well! Which is why I'm doing this! I'm not sad to be reading far, far less comic books though. I've finally gotten back to reading actual books at a reasonable pace again and I'm enjoying it. Plus one used book costs as much as one twenty page comic which just makes me hate comic books even more than I do when I'm reading one by Cullen Bunn. Speaking of which, how dare you ask me to consider re-reading Cullen Bunn's comic books! I was just forgetting about Twat Lobo and now look what you've done? I'm bleeding from my eyes and anus!

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That's all for this week! I've forgotten my sign-out! Later, jerkos? That sounds about right!

A Poem

"Like Sunday school 'round here," muttered the youth,
Having the attributes of a pickle.
(Which, knowing Pynchon, could be an uncouth
Boner joke, the vulgar's tastes to tickle.)
More likely Pynchon just wants us to grok
Chick's vinegary peevish attitude.
(But should we rule out mention of a cock,
Ignore Pynchon's go-to and seem a prude?)
When I see Pynchon mention hard and long
Objects, I think of some dark library
Where boys titter huddled in a small throng
Finding dirty jokes in Blume and Cleary.
Penis jokes abound, great ones and moaners.
Was Frost's "Birches" about gay boys' boners?

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #7 (Fourth Week of January 2018)

E!TACT! #7
Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #3, Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #1, Batman and the Signal #1, Deathstork #27, Justice League #36, Batman #38, Suicide Squad #33, Action Comics #995, and Letters!
By Grunion Guy

Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #3
By Isabella, Henry, and Pantazis

I feel like a shitty fangender because I missed the premiere episode of Black Lightning on CW. Now when people see me wearing my Black Lightning shirt, they're going to ask me what I thought of the show. Maybe I should just say "meh" so they'll stop talking to me because doesn't everybody stop talking to anybody who responds with "meh"? It would make the world a much better place if we all just shunned those people. Responding to somebody with "meh" is equivalent to injecting them with Propofol, trussing them up like a rodeo calf, shitting down their throat (after swallowing a full box of Ex-lax and waiting the appropriate amount of time), and then setting the oxygen in the air on fire to destroy the world in a massive firestorm. I'm sure the people who say "meh" want it to mean "I don't have the will, energy, or inclination to respond to your vapidity." Which is just the other side's perspective on my analogy, I suppose. The bottom line is this, kids: don't fucking respond to anybody with "meh" ever because it's fucking rude. It's almost as rude as responding with "tl;dr." Anybody responding with that should be round up immediately by the Secret Internet Death Squad which is totally not a thing but only because I haven't quite figured out how to fund it. If your only response is "meh" or "tl;dr," consider just not responding at all. Or respond and then go fuck yourself. Either works.

Rating: Tony Isabella is commenting on a lot of shit our society is currently dealing with and I can't say it's all bad (the writing! Not the shit society is dealing with. Almost all of that is bad!). I really want to say his writing is all bad because it's much easier to write horrible insults than to admit that I sort of maybe like something that somebody other than me wrote. I can't even say the story is morally heavy handed although it's a bit verbose setting up the "cops might shoot first because the people they're after are children who happen to be black and presumed armed" situation. And the cops do shoot first but Black Lightning is there to save them while the police Captain is all, "Thanks for preventing a tragedy! I guess we could have prevented a tragedy with proper training and actually disciplining knight errant cops who are constantly tilting at black windmills. But that means confronting hard questions and doing serious work and who has the time or the money for that?!" Tobias Whale doesn't make much of an appearance in this issue except in a scene where Isabella gets to comment a bit on social media and the NRA stirring up fear among the common (and I mean really, really common) people.

Later Edit: So I watched the show and it is extremely watchable. I like the characters and I like the situation they've set up and I even like the white guy. It's so much better than the comic book in that way that all television shows about comic book characters should be better than the comic books because they have so much more room for dialogue. Forty minutes of story per week is greater than twenty pages of story per month. Even when the show is only on for like a third of all the weeks.


Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #1
By Russell, Feehan, Morales, and Mounts

Sometimes you buy a comic book written by a terrible writer because you've loved the characters for ages and because your optimism constantly causes you pain and disappointment. Other times you buy a comic book about a character you can't give a fuck about because the series is written by one of your favorite writers. But on the rarest of occasions, you get a book about a character you've identified with since childhood written by a writer you just can't get enough of. This is that book for me.

One thing I admire about Russell's work is that he doesn't start with an idea and then force the main character into the story he wants to tell. He begins with the main character and extends outward. He took The Flintstones, being a "modern stone age family," and used everything audiences already knew about them to discuss philosophical, theological, social, and political matters that affect the modern reader of the comic book. And with Snagglepuss, he's placed him into McCarthy era paranoia. Can it get more perfect than that? Snagglepuss is not only an effeminate sounding (and thus expressly gay in the series) stage actor but one of his main catch phrases is "Exit stage left!" Pegging him as a target of McCarthy is believable before you even open the book. And don't think Russell is simply using the story to express his opinions on something that happened over half a century ago. He explicitly makes this a story about living in Trump's America through the voice of Snagglepuss's Cuban lover, Pablo.

Rating: Mark Russell does not disappoint. He uses the familiarity of a Hanna-Barbera character to instantly thrust the reader into his social and political satire. I wonder if his experience with Prez led him to pursue characters like The Flintstones because it meant he'd have a much bigger audience at his disposal? Because he's doing in The Snagglepuss Chronicles exactly what he did in The Flintstones and Prez. He's telling fictional stories that have more to say in one issue than a decades worth of most superhero titles. Plus they're entertaining! So if you don't like smartly written crap because you're a dum-dum, you might like this comic book because it makes fun of broad audiences who must be seen enjoying all the things everybody seems to be talking about. No wait. You might hate it for that. If you understood that bit, anyway. Maybe you should go read the new Incredible Hulk. Is there a new one of those? I'm just assuming the dialogue is on par with a dum-dum's mental capacity.


Batman and the Signal #1
By Snyder, Patrick, Hamner, and Martin

Finally! A three issue mini-series about the Batsignal! I hope. It's possible this comic book is about to disappoint me just as much as Doomsday's Cock did because I've, once again, projected my desires onto a funny book.

This book should be an internal monologue of the Batsignal and how it thinks of itself as the hero of Gotham. You're probably thinking, "But where's the drama? Where's the action? It'll just be a stupid light thinking about how it's saving the day by being turned on!" But I'm thinking that when it's turned off, it will have to cope with Bullock jerking off on it and Batgirl jerking off on it and The Joker jerking off on it! Then it'll worry about whether or not the signal will look like a bat with all the jerk off juices all over it. It'll probably wind up summoning Rorschach to save the day.

It turns out Duke Thomas has taken on the name "Signal." It also turns out that the book is an internal monologue of his thoughts and how he thinks of himself as a hero of Gotham! Man, I hope I get three out of three right and Batgirl jerks off on him.

Duke has super powers but they're not worth discussing because I don't understand them. He sees light or something. It's probably clever because Snyder helped come up with the idea and we all know how clever he is. Nobody needs any proof of that anymore. Certainly nobody is getting any proof anymore, anyway.

This is a Metal Tie-in so I'm assuming the sudden rash of teenagers gaining powers in The Narrows has to do with the Metal Gene. It also, according to Commissioner Gordon, has to do with the "gnomon connection." A gnomon is the part of the sundial that casts the shadow. I learned that from the Infocom game, Trinity (which I beat on my own without any clues, by the way. Still my favorite of all the Infocom games). This story has already been less than subtle that it will be dealing with the cycle of the day. Also a bad guy kept mentioning "the dial." Remember, it's all very clever. Even if Snyder only gets a story credit and not the actual writing credit. That's typical of him. He farts out an idea or two and then makes somebody else do the actual work.

Whatever happened to All Star Batman? Did that end? Was it cancelled? Did I just forget about it?!

Rating: The Signal is Batman by daylight. That's about the entire concept! Sure, the story was told with a bunch of clever allusions to how day is different from night and how sundials exist and how bats are night creatures and how bad guys in Gotham only attack at night and how day has the sun and maybe Duke is kind of a son and...did I go to far? I think the main reason for this comic book is to use up all the yellow ink in the Bat offices. Somebody was all, "How are we going to use up all this yellow ink?! Maybe a double page spread of Batman's eyes? Maybe add more streetlights to the backgrounds?! It's getting insane how much yellow ink we have!" And Snyder was all, "Hey! Let's make a new Bat sidekick whose costume is yellow and then we'll make him work in the daylight where we can use lots more yellow ink!" Then Dan DiDio was all, "You've saved the day again with cleverness! See, Giffen? Why can't you be more like Snyder?! Treat your fucking job with respect, you asshat!"


Deathstork #27
By Priest, Neves, Scott, and Cox

DC loves retcons. So it's weird that the one retcon they should be murdering their own grandchildren to make happen is the one where Deathstork never slept with an underage girl. But apparently that's never going to happen because this issue is all about Slade fucking Terra. Well, not all about that. In fact, it seems to go a long ways toward making it ambiguous whether or not they've fucked. But if they're leaving a bit of ambiguity, I have to think that means Terra and Slade fucked. You don't write a comic book to prove Slade didn't fuck an underage girl by making it unclear if he fucked her or not. You take one panel where Slade tells Wintergreen, "Yes, I'm using her so I can murder a bunch of children. But at least I didn't fuck her!"

Hmm. After typing that last bit of fictional Slade dialogue, I'm beginning to question whether it matters that he fucked an underage girl. Is consensual sex with a teenager worse than trying to murder children? I know neither of those things are as bad as killing a dog which Slade did in a previous issue, so I'm not sure why I care!

I'm dreaming this page, right?

Rating: I fucking hate that this comic book is monthly and I've stopped doing monthly write-ups on it because it has too much story for me to remember each month. I can't follow it and I'm too lazy to go back and reread all the Defiance issues so I can understand the subtleties in the story. Like why did Willow/Rose take a bite out of a sandwich as she threatened Forgotten? Is that an ancient Hmong death threat? I also have to wonder if the cover which shows Terra crushing Deathstork in stone while the words "LOVE ME" are etched into that stone is supposed to depict the reason why Deathstork slept with Terra. I guess he had no choice? He really just wanted to be a loving father figure to her after she'd lost her royal Markovian family but she forced him to cross a line that should never be crossed. It wasn't his fault he slept with an underage girl! She was the one with all the power. I guess I feel bad for Deathstork now? Poor guy! Forced to fuck a young woman! It's terrible!

If you thought I typed that sarcastically then you're a monster! How dare you?!


Justice League #36
By Priest and Woods

Another comic book by Priest? I wonder if Batman will threaten somebody and then take a bite out of a sandwich?

The Justice League deals with philosophical political issues. Can I say "real-world philosophical issues"? Because I don't think any philosophical issue is ever about the real world. Philosophy is always about asking some nearly unanswerable question, taking a puff off your clove cigarette, and nodding sagely, right?

Usually I'm against comic book stories that ask the question, "What kind of problems would the Justice League experience if they were operating in the world today?" And, well, I feel that way about this story too! That's why I said usually! There was always a high-percentage chance that I wouldn't like this story.

Although I only dislike the story in a philosophical way! That doesn't mean I'm not finding it entertaining. Two totally different things!

What I'm getting from Wonder Woman is that if I commit a crime while wearing a mask and gloves, I can't be convicted? Well, well, well! Amazon.com hear I come!

That Amazon.com bit wasn't a Wonder Woman joke. It's not my fault the most popular place to shop online is named after a warrior race of females. Or is it named after the jungle?

The political stuff has always been an underlying issue with the Justice League running about the world doing whatever they wanted. Some writers just try to ignore it and I appreciate those writers! The kind of questions where the writer asks "What if this superhero were actually in a world which hadn't been built around superheroes existing for decades?" should be saved for Elseworld stories. I'd rather assume that superheroes, having been part of the cultural and political landscape for nearly a century, would simply be accepted. And any issues they create would have already been worked out. It shouldn't be that the Justice League has been around for sixty years and then somebody in power finally goes, "Hey! Has anybody considered how dangerous this is?! We should register them or something!" Let's just pretend that shit was worked out years ago and we're all cool with them flying around hoarding technology and wealth that could actually be used to help shape the world for the better rather than just being used to keep Despero locked up somewhere.

The best part about this story is how the Justice League seems about to be coming into conflict with a group of Justice League Cosplayers. They're some kind of legion, probably.

Rating: Priest has most everybody questioning Batman's tactics in this issue which is a bit weird. Batman is the guy who catches criminals and leaves them to the police so that the law can take care of them. Sure, he may beat some of them pretty badly but they're usually guys who are spraying bullets all over downtown Gotham. But he still makes sure they get their day in court. It's Superman who simply tosses people into the Phantom Zone when he decides they're dangerous. Maybe everybody should be questioning that dick.


Batman #38
By King, Moore, and Brusco

In this issue, we learn that Bruce Wayne is a sick kid with dead parents. Fine. I'll admit it. Even Tom King can write a bad issue every now and again! At least it showed Batman doing detective work. I mean, it wound up that his detective work was more like Dr. House's medical detective work. Batman works through the situation logically and rationally and winds up with a wrong answer that seems right. But then somebody says something mundane to him and he has an epiphany where the actual answer to the mystery drops into his lap. So it's kind of good detective work in that, at least, his mind kept working on the problem. He could have been like a criminal prosecutor and refused to listen to any more evidence because he'd already arrested somebody for the crime.


Suicide Squad #33
By Spurrier, Pasarin, Albert, and Blond

Oh look! The Suicide Squad is trying to get me back in their good graces by bringing on a new writer and using a cover that's a throwback to Ostrander's first issue on the series! Too bad that new writer is Si Spurrier and he's decided — against all that is decent (although possibly agreeing with many things I've said in the past (which we're ignoring in this specific situation because, without proper context, all things said are fluid (in other words, don't use my own words against me, you rat bastards))) — to continue using the same basic characteristics Williams was using for each character. Typically, I like new writers to at least acknowledge the work of the previous writer before heading down the path they've chosen to take the characters. But in cases where the previous work was annoying and irritating garbage, I'd prefer that they just pretend none of the previous issues existed. Spurrier doesn't seem to share my ideology. So now I'm stuck reading another shit Suicide Squad comic book. Thanks a lot, Si!

This is the poorly written metaphor for the entire issue.

I could have chosen a more worser image that included some of Pasarin's art but I think you can all picture how terrible that is. You've all seen the too tiny eyes, the elongated torsos, and the body parts that twist and turn in incomprehensible ways.

I get the feeling that DC really doesn't give a fuck about making this book quality. They're using their usual business model: if it's a popular title that will sell by name and Harley Quinn alone, just put the C-list artists and writers on it. The idiotic, drooling, virginal (not by choice) fangenders will continue to buy the shit out of it.

Goddammit. I just hurt my own feelings.

Christ. Even the letterer and the editors don't give a shit about this comic book.

Rating: Killer Croc continues to act like an illiterate moron. Harley Quinn continues to say things that, I'm assuming, the writer thinks are hilariously whimsical and violent. Enchantress continues to spew over-the-top demands full of dark imagery and medieval pronouns. Captain Boomerang continues to be a coward. And Amanda Waller continues to...well, actually, she's even worse than usual in this issue. She sends along a bunch of no-name super villains and explicitly tells the Squad that they're entirely disposable. I was surprised when Killer Croc didn't immediately eat half of them. Instead, he actually waits until they're killed.

In the end, even the guy who the story keeps telling us is going to die doesn't die. Fucking stupid Attempted Suicide For Attention Squad! Kill somebody important already! I mean, hell, just kill somebody unimportant to get the ball rolling! Next issue continues this loser nobody's story and my prediction? He makes it through alive. But then he like dies on the return to Belle Reve. I mean Belle Rev? Whatever. I hate this comic.


Action Comics #995
By Jurgens, Booth, Rapmund, and Dalhouse

Ugh. I'd forgotten how much I hate Brett Booth's art.

In this issue, Superman acts like a dolt and Booster Gold becomes a surfer from the 80s. While reading this issue, I pretended I was a responsible adult who fit into society's norms and thus never felt the need to pick up my first comic book to escape the anxiety of real life interactions.

I mentioned Dan Jurgens doesn't understand time travel. I don't think he understands Superman either. Jurgens' Superman apparently doesn't mind changing the past and screwing up the entire multiverse but he's against stealing a time bubble. I mean, he eventually relents and steals the time bubble. But he made a big fuss about how terrible it was. Plus I think he only did it because otherwise, to get the spare parts to fix their time bubble, he would have had to dismantle Flash's cosmic treadmill. Which he stole.

Rating: Dan Jurgens continues to write stories as if he's stuck in the mid-80s. Booster Gold even makes a "Rock the Casbah" joke. I used the term "joke" incorrectly there, by the way.


Letters to Me!
I don't know why Doom Bunny hasn't sent me a letter yet. I think he's too busy hating his job. But at least I got another message from KB! He's my new best friend and Doom Bunny is nothing to me. NOTHING! Although I wish KB's name were easier to spell. I don't even know if I'm spelling it correctly right now!

KB writes: No junk filter this time!

KB's super secret weight loss tips over here:
[URL REDACTED]

Short answer: aim for 1500 calories a day (rather than the 2500 or so an adult male should be getting), and consume lots of protein to keep hunger away. Pretty soon, I think, your body gets comfortable with supplementing its energy needs by drawing from fat reserves.

Me: I was with your web page's tips right up until you said eating fifteen egg whites was ridiculous. Now I'm offended.

KB: I seem to recall you're vegan, so good news: wheat gluten and TVP are pretty good options for taking the pounds off. They're both high protein, inexpensive, and versatile.

Me: I was vegetarian for a good portion of my thirties. The main rule I came up with when I went veggie was that I would eat anything (that wasn't meat. Duh!), even the things I'd decided up until that point in my life were like eating dog poo. So now I eat almost everything. I definitely eat far less meat than I did before I went veggie but that increased when the Non-Certified Spouse was borderline anemic. We introduced more meat into home cooking. As of yesterday, she's apparently not anemic at all anymore and full of Vitamin D (not a dick joke. I'm talking serious medical stuff here, you perverts). Oh, I still won't eat sauerkraut though. That's worse than dog poo.

KB: I've lost on the order of four inches in two months. "Inches" isn't a particularly scientific measure, but that's where my belt is.

Me: Congratulations! My belt doesn't have notches. Maybe I can mark it with a Sharpie!

KB: So, has Spoiler forgotten that she nearly destroyed Gotham because she tried running one of Batman's schemes and fucked the whole thing up? Turns out the patriarchs and the Establishment often know what they're doing. Yeah, the old can be corrupt, but the young can be motivated every bit as much by greed; they just dress it in egalitarian platitudes. And I'm going to trust experienced professionals over kids who invented the word "adulting", as if it's a special and noteworthy accomplishment for them to perform the most basic tasks that adults need to. "Look everybody, I wiped, all by myself! Take THAT, centrist Democrats!"

Me: Man, you're ruthless! I thought I was the jerko! Speaking of using the term "adulting," I was at Starbucks the other day and the order was six dollars and some change. So I gave the clerk six dollars. She said, "I need another dollar." My response was "I math!" I'm so charming!

A Poem

They said I should not swim within the lake
But summer’s storm, so slowly rolling on,
Still distant seemed. I would, of course, be gone
Before some lightning bolt threatened to make
Water steam and boil, or maybe take
My life. I dove down deep, as if to don
The entirety of the lake upon
Myself. Embraced, a dream yet wide awake.
Now once again, the winter come, they say,
In warning: “The ice is soft. Do not skate.”
There were no cracks that could be seen. A sleigh
Had left some solid marks. It held its weight,
Why not mine? Below the ice, dark and gray,
Lay an embrace of a similar fate.

A Poem

The bar is my altar; the bartender priest.
The drinks my communion; self-loathing, my mass.
The rickety stool serves as singular pew.
The padded edge of the bar my head's kneeler.
The choir are patrons; their hymns pick-up lines.
Then later the john, a confessional stall,
Where redemption comes in waves.

— Grunion Guy

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #4 (First Week of January 2018)

 

E!TACT! #4
Introduction, Batman #37, Justice League #35, The Wild Storm #10, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Introduction

I'm a few weeks behind in my comic book reading because I've been rereading the Xanth novels (I believe I stopped reading them when I was too embarrassed to purchase The Color of Her Panties). And before you start in on the criticism of my reading choices, I assure you that I have a lot to say about these things that might assuage my seeming arrested development in literature choices! Somebody should use the Xanth novels for a master class on the male gaze in fiction and pop culture. It boggles my mind, with the kind of chauvinistic world view espoused by the novel, that A Spell for Chameleon received the Best Novel of the Year from the British Fantasy Society. Of course, that mind is being boggled from 2017 and as an adult. The book is forty years old and it shows. I can't help but wonder how much this book influenced my perception of the world when I read it (I think I was around twelve (I did not read it the year it came out so your math on my age is wrong. But not by much, actually)). Did I begin to mistrust my mother due to the influence of this series or was that really just based on her ever increasing bizarre behavior caused by my sister's spiral into teenage hormonal chaos? It's hard to say. But when somebody refers to "the male gaze," it isn't just about female superheroes in revealing clothing. I'll get more into it in a future post. Until then: comic books!

Batman #37

by King, Mann, and Bellaire

People exist on the Internet who claim to know good stories but then shit all over Tom King's Batman. It's nice when a review site hates on Tom King's Batman because then I know that review site is run by idiots. I should go back and review that issue where Catwoman wins a sword fight against Talia al Ghul because didn't that just set a lot of people's underpants on fire. It's like they think they're the most genius reviewer in the world by saying obvious things like "Tom King is shit because he wrote an inexperienced sword fighter beating one of the greatest sword fighters in the world." When I read criticism like that, I tend to think the person has low self-esteem and desperately needs to prove how smart they are. Because, yeah, duh! Of course Talia would have cut out Selina's heart in a few quick thrusts. But since she didn't, perhaps you should consider why Tom King wrote it that way. It's strange that people jump to the conclusion that the guy who wrote The Sheriff of Babylon would make such an amateur mistake as that. When a writer has shown their chops, you fucking trust that writer. Then you read that story and the only conclusion you can come to is that Talia wasn't trying to beat Selina. She was just baiting her for information and feeling her out. If Batman's going to marry her, Talia is going to want to know something about Damian's step-mother. At the end of the issue, Talia mentions to Batman how she approves of Selina, or how she likes her, or something. It's been a bit since I read it. Because that was the real point of the drawn out fight with Selina. To find out who this woman that Batman seems to love is.

Yes, I'm talking about the critics over at Weird Science. I sometimes read their reviews so I can shake my head in wonder at their incompetency. The other problems they had with that issue were why the Justice League wasn't waiting to battle Batman when he left the city and how they were all going to cross the desert again on just one horse. Unless it was two horses. I can't remember because who fucking cares about that kind of shit?! That's just the stuff you pick apart because you, for some reason, don't like Tom King. I mean, to be fair, I'd do it to a Scott Lobdell script!

I think part of the reason people don't like his Batman is because he avoids Narration Boxing. King stays almost completely out of the character's heads. So of course readers who have spent years knowing the exact motive of the character because the writer gives it to you in the modern day thought bubbles have their comprehension crippled when the author avoids doing it. And yet it makes a much better reading experience to not have the author hold your hand and spit on his finger and shove it up your ass as he wanks you off. I mean, that sounds like a pretty good experience too! But not while I'm reading.

The fact that the Weird Science blog loves Scott Lobdell so much makes my point, I believe. They love the finger in the ass wank job Lobdell gives. And he gives it hard, month after month!

While I'm on the subject of Batman, I should share KB's reply to Issue #2's Newsletter and my rant on James Tynion IV's Detective Comics #970. You'll notice KB thinks he's smarter than me. And, well, he isn't! I was going to type "Well, he is!" right there but my ego said, "NO YOU STUPID FUCKER! YOU'RE THE GENIUS!" Anyway, KB always has great insights into comic books. It's almost like he takes their pop culture importance way more seriously than I do! He hardly ever says things like, "I would fuck Tom King in the butthole if I ever accidentally stalked him home from a con!"

KB writes: "Thank you for sparing us the damage of reading Tynion IV's writing. I remember a time I thought he was a scrappy up-and-coming writer and I looked forward to his work. But whatever mojo he once had, he seems to have lost it."

Me: "Yeah. I remember when we thought he was going to do some good shit and then he made Talon undead. That comic was threatening to be interesting for an issue or two until he went in that direction."

KB: "It sounds like we run into the problem of, superhero comics can be a terrible place to explore the ills of society at large. The misogyny that's baked into our society is one thing; a guy protecting Gotham from everything that could destroy it because he's the only one who can is another. This is not to say that the Kates and Dicks and so forth don't do a good job, but we all know goddamn well that most of Gotham's survival is because of doings at the Batcave (and maybe 10% because the Court of Owls operates behind the scenes to keep their town profitable).

And also, let's go back to Why Batman Doesn't Kill The Joker: for all the ink spilled about how Batman is afraid to cross the line, the much simpler reality is, Batman doesn't see himself as an authority unto himself. Ultimately he submits to a system that has the power to incarcerate and, if desired, execute the Joker at any time. Batman operates to stop threats and keep Gotham safe (citizens and cops alike); beyond that he isn't interested in power. He works for the law; he isn't the law.

So if you're looking for a comic book analogue to power-drunk myopic sexist jerks, don't turn to the guy who built his life around using all his resources to keep law-abiding citizens safe AND make sure even criminals have their day in court (and, if they're willing to go straight, a job at WayneTech upon release)."

Me: "I could have come up with these insights if I'd wanted to! I mean, I love these points you've made. But you forget, in Tynion's world, Batman is an older white heterosexual male. So he's not as good a guy as you think he is! That's the end of my argument. That's just how it works. I don't have anything else to say because I already sound like an old, bitter, resentful white heterosexual male! But I'm not! I'm middle-aged!"

KB: "And delving into the real world, ain't it funny how morons on the Left dwelled and dwelled on Hillary's "corruption" -- 100% of which turns out to have been lies pushed by Republicans / Russians / Stein / Sanders -- while they barely paid attention to Trump's? I bet Tynion IV has a Jill Stein bumper sticker."

Me: "Whoa whoa whoa! Some of my Newsletter recipients might be Jill Stein fans! You can't say things like this! We're trying to make this a safe place for people who don't understand how stupid their political stances are! If you voted for Jill Stein, I'm not judging you! At least not openly! I mean, if we met in public and you mentioned you voted for her, I probably wouldn't be able to hide the disgust on my face! But you can't see my face in these newsletters, so totally believe me when I say I'm not making that face at all!"

I hope you bought all of that! It would be easier to pass off as the truth if I weren't so judgmental while reading every single stupid comic book I've ever read. I even mocked that Death Talks About AIDS comic from the 90s!

And now back to Batman #37! Just give me a moment to read it and see if I have any smarter than KB thoughts to share!

Nothing screams "METAL!" like everything this picture isn't.

I'm only a few pages in but I think I can understand why so many comic book reviewer nerds hate Tom King's Batman: IT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE! I suppose this is the kind of thing they call "fan service" which, I mean, is that a bad thing? Because I'm being serviced like crazy here with how cute and adorable Superman and Batman and Catwoman and Lois are at the fair! I would think that "fan service" would be when the idiotic writer decides to make Batman and Superman punch each other in the face for fifteen pages...again! That shit is old! That's the shit that serviced my grandad's needs! Not that my grandfather was a grown man-baby stuck in a state of arrested development who could only find solace in the pages of a four color funny book! He was a war hero! I mean, he was in World War II. I mean, not like, fighting or anything. He had the sweet gig of chauffeuring for the army chaplain. Although he did introduce me to comic books, in a way. He used to drive around Santa Clara collecting newspapers for recycling. Whenever he got comic books in the stacks, he'd throw them in a box and store them in the garage. Those were the first comic books I read! Things like Hulk and Sgt. Fury, Agent of SHIELD. You know, shit!

Lobo! This comic book just got three times better!

This comic book has made me laugh about once per page.

Maybe that's my entire review? No wait! I have a good review: "If you really like to be entertained but you're a huge nerd who thinks they like whimsical things because you have a terrible drama student sense of humor but you actually hate real whimsy, you should avoid this comic book because it won't entertain you. It will just make you mad. You will be all, 'Why isn't Batman detectivating?! Why isn't Superman punching an alien in the dick?! What is with all this on-panel time with their love interests?! Gross!' But if you're super cool like me (the kind of cool that almost never leaves you as the wallflower at an orgy), this comic book could be your new best orgy partner!"

That review might sound confusing but it's actually one of my most comprehensible! Plus it has a little bit of Browningesque dramatic monologue!

Justice League #35

By Priest and Woods

Priest takes the style he used in Deathstork where he tells bite-sized morsels of story in one to three page chapters and applies it to the Justice League. By using this style, he seems to carve out more room to tell tales featuring ensemble casts where everybody gets a decent chunk of time describing their current problems and motivations. It fits really well around a group as large as the Justice League, a group that has so many marquee name talents. Like King's Batman, he's really concentrating on the characters and letting the plot resolve around the space he's made for the characters. It's so much better than just shoving every member of the cast into every scene and just making sure they each get one snarky line in combat.

Although it's probably too different for people who do blogs named after a movie from the 1980s. Was that reference too subtle? Probably if you write for that blog!

Although I do have one slight issue that has plagued my enjoyment of comic books for a long time. The story seems to be setting up one of those situations where the heroes become hated by civilians. I noticed that right off the bat because the story was called "The People vs. Justice League." I just want my heroes to be heroic, you know? I hope one of the new Metal heroes will be a hero that goes around killing people who get angry at heroes. His name could be Negative Reinforcement.

The Wild Storm #10

By Ellis, Hunt, and Buccellato

This comic series magnifies the main problem I have with comic books (as does Tom King's current maxi-series, Mister Miracle): a well thought out and deliberate story that is well worth your time and effort to really study closely suffers in the medium. This is a 24 chapter story which the reader must read in monthly installments. I'll be damned if I keep anything close to a reasonable amount of retention on the subtleties of the plot over that kind of time. If I were reading a novel and set it down for one month before picking it up to read again, I'd almost certainly start the danged thing over. Every scene, I need to strain to remember who the fuck each character is and what organization they work for and who runs that organization and whether or not I've come to determine if they're a mostly good or a mostly bad group. I suppose if you were a huge fan of the Wildstorm universe previous to this, it would be easier. But my knowledge of the Wildstorm universe amounts to the characters in The Authority (and maybe Stormwatch, since, well, you know), Grifter has red hair and hangs laundry on his face, and Zealot doesn't know how to apply her makeup. So you'd understand if I'm a bit confused by much of it.

But that hasn't decreased my enjoyment of this series (I mean, I don't think it has? Regarding Mister Miracle, I've been keeping each issue stashed in my bookcase so I can reread the entire series straight through when it's finished)! I appreciate writers who don't just treat their comic book writing gig as a chance to vomit up an action sequence every month tied together by ideas that wouldn't even pass for good Young Adult Fan Fiction. I want to read a story that's either been planned from the beginning or, at least, written to the end before being used for the comic (the difference being, if you can't quite parse my statement, a planned story is written based on an outline where the writer knows exactly what they want to happen and the journey the characters will travel to get to the end. A story written to the end can be the writer just seeing where it goes as they write it but know how it finishes before using it as a professional piece of writing so that they can revise and tweak it so that the character arc matters in some way. As opposed to...oh, let me just pick a random writer...Scott Lobdell who obviously writes a twenty page story every month that goes wherever his mind takes him and then begins a new twenty page story when it's time to write the next month's script which may follow the story from the previous issue in only the shallowest of paths). The thing is, I want a story to have a point. I want a story to say something. And, generally, when you're just writing to fill pages and collect a check, you're as blank as Hugh Grant at the beginning of About a Boy.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was meant to be a reminder of each story from month to month. But I grew bored with that "book report with dick jokes in" style. So now I'm doing this. Anyway, another good issue that kept the story moving along. I think. Who is Bendix again?!

That was a joke! Of course I know who Bendix is! It's Kenesha/Savant that I have no past knowledge of! I keep thinking she's Angie when she's on-panel! Is that racist?!

Other Bullshit

The top of my stack has a few books that will probably wind up being blog entries: Metal #4, Michael Cray #3, and Doomsday's Cock #2. If that burns me out on talking about comics, maybe the next Newsletter will be about Piers Anthony's chauvinistic Xanth series.

A Poem

Clubs
By Grunion Guy

I joined a club called "Fuck You, White Power Bitches"
It was a pretty easy club to join
It didn't cost me anything and I don't have to pay any yearly dues
Sometimes I have to speak up
So that, you know, white power bitches know I think they should go fuck themselves
But that's not too hard
It's even fun most of the time

The interesting thing about this club is that it accepts members from all sorts of other clubs
You can be both a member of the "Republican Club" and "Fuck You, White Power Bitches," if you want
I only mention that because it doesn't seem a lot of people in the "Republican Club" realize it
They seem to have a problem with the uncivil "Fuck You" part of the club title
When they should have a problem with the "White Power" people the club wants to go fuck themselves

I'm also well aware that some people have a problem with the "Bitches" part of the club title
But I'm part of the club "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It"
Even though it would cost me practically nothing to stop saying the word "bitches"
It's like how in high school in the 80s, I used to use "faggot" as a swear word
(Probably influenced greatly by Mark Knopfler's use of the word by his blue collar, computer animated characters singing "Money For Nothing")
Until one day, I finally realized how fucked up that was and, whether I meant it or not,
I was making the world a worse place by using that word when I could easily just be saying "shit"
Even members of "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It" are allowed to be a part of "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads"

You know what? I just decided to stop saying "bitches" because I thought about it for like half a second and realized it still costs me nothing to try and be a better person to my fellow human beings
When you think about it, it actually costs less to stop saying "bitches" than to have to say, "I'm using it in a non-derogatory fashion because language is fluid and shouldn't be a person-sized saddle we've strapped to our own backs but a tool we can rationally and systematically change over time" every single time that somebody within earshot hears it and looks at you horrified
It's much easier to not say it than to get into a debate about free speech with everybody you offend after using it
And pretty soon, you just stop using it which lowers the amount of systemic bias towards women by a small but not inconsequential amount

It's like every time you refer to a large black man as intimidating
You're increasing the systemic bias toward the belief that large black men are dangerous
You're actively making the world a more dangerous place for large black men
No matter how many people you assure that you were just making a dumb joke

You know what's even easier than not saying a hurtful word or continuing a harmful stereotype?
Decrying white power
It's actually much more work to have to explain why you won't extricate yourself from ties to white power every time you wind up publicly embracing some tenet of white power

I suppose I can understand how much you love trolling the Libtards with your 4Chan nonsense
It can be hard to give up things that make you laugh, like making up white power signs and then flashing them constantly
Afterward, you get to laugh at all the libs you owned by making them think you're a white supremacist
Because you acted like a white supremacist in public
Which is so funny because did they think you were serious? How dumb are they?!
Acting like a white supremacist and causing oppressed and under-represented people to feel intimidated by your actions isn't actual white supremacy!
I mean, it's the definition of it, I suppose
But if you think about it at all for any length of time, it was a joke!
Stop being so hurt by casual, jokey racism, you free speech haters
Is probably what you're typing right now on your Reddit board and your Twitter feed

Anyway, I have to get to my "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads" club meeting now
It's not a scheduled meeting, really
It's just me going outside my front door
And making the world a better place for everybody
Fuck you, white power dickheads.

My Attempt at a Listicle (from July 15, 2014)

People don't really like to read anymore unless you number the paragraphs and start out with a headline that assures people that they will be done reading in just a few easy steps. So I'm going to just start writing my own Cracked articles but not submit them to Cracked because I hate that fucking site. Why don't they just write funny lists about advertisements or lists of links to other articles about advertisements? Not that I'm above making money! If I knew what the fuck I was doing, you'd be reading a pop-up ad right now instead of my stupid bullshit! Anyway, here's my Cracked Article that doesn't appear on Cracked!

Top Five Literary Sequels If The Author Used Current Sequel Naming Conventions!

Before I get to Number Five (you do these lists backwards, right? If not, just renumber them the way you'd like them to be renumbered. But in your head! Don't try to hack my site and change the source code, asshole!), let me just say that the title could probably use some improvement. But from what I understand about Cracked, the article writers don't get to name their articles anyway (unless they come up with an exciting and clever way of introducing their list which makes sure readers know they're reading a relatively short list that will be split across at least two pages of ads)! I think they have Article Naming Monkeys that know the exact formulas for Link Baiting. I don't have access to a deep reservoir of business geniuses, so I just had to come up with my own title that is too bland and boring and also long but not descriptive enough as well.

5. Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
After the legend of Bromden's successful escape attempt at Wacky Acres Loony Bin for People Society Can't Stand to Look At or Listen To Anymore, two new inmates decide to attempt an escape of their own! Wacky hijinks ensue as Nurse Ratched doesn't just lose her top this time because naughty bits really need to escalate in the sequel! The entire book is narrated by lobotomized McMurphy in an artistic tour de force of style by, possibly, a thoroughly inebriated Ken Kesey! Did you ever see his play about the environment starring the characters from The Wizard of Oz? What the fuck was that mess?!

4. Bitter Friday by John Steinbeck
So you couldn't get enough stories about Doc living down on Cannery Row, hunh?! Well here's one more! This time, Doc wakes up one Friday afternoon from a blackout induced by too many beer milkshakes the night before. What did Doc get up to the previous night? Who did he offend? How many stories can this setting really bear? Some might say not this many! Learn the mystery of the otter wearing the women's undergarments! Marvel at the amount of times Steinbeck tries to describe the smell of the ocean! Try to figure out the five levels of subtext that he's jammed into the story of an old man with pissy britches!

3. Houses of Leaves By Mark Z. Danielewski
If you thought the book with just one house was confusing, try a book about a whole suburban development full of crazy houses! Just trying to figure out how to read the book is a mystery since it's published on six interlocking Möbius strips with text that can be read backwards and forwards with no perceptible starting point! White font on barely off-white paper will have you not only wondering what the hell is going on in this book but if there is even a book to fucking read! Art for art's sake has never been so artsy!

2. Catch-23 by Joseph Heller
Fuck yeah, I know Catch-22 already had a sequel! But it should have been named this! And it should have been different because it was less of a one trick pony than Heller's one trick pony, Something Happened! If he had titled the sequel Catch-23 instead of Closing Time, then at least people might have realized it was a fucking sequel! I'd have more to say about this if I could remember anything more about Closing Time other then it was about hard water or something.

1. Dante's Infer-YES! By Dante
Don't get all uppity with me! I know it was actually called Commedia! But nobody ever reads anything but Inferno in The Divine Comedy anyway! It's like all you readers want to do is argue! Just fucking read my shit and get over yourself, okay? Anyway, the sequel to Dante's Inferno, Dante's Infer-YES! is about the protagonist (Dante? Was it Dante? When did I last read this shit?! How long ago was college? How many mushrooms was I on?) returning to Hell with a van full of kegs and weed! It's PARTY TIME, BITCHES! Get your head out of that barrel of shit and drink up, fuckers! Thaw out Satan and tell him to spit out Judas so he can shove some jello shots down his damnation hole! And don't anybody mention this rager to the suicides because we're trying to get our happy on down here and don't need any of their depressing bullshit killing our unrighteous buzzes! FUCK YEAH DUDES!

Trollslayer (yet another updated edition)

My first text adventure game can be downloaded at my Patreon page without needing to subscribe. You can find it Right Here unless I messed up that link! Coming soon: Grunion Mountain: The Adventures of Garonian Guy (Part I!)!

In Which I Plug Some of Grunion Guy's Recent Bullshit

Grunion Guy wanted everybody to know that he recently reviewed an old text adventure game from 1978 or something. He also wrote an unnecessary walkthrough of it. Oh sorry. As he calls it, "A Walk Story."

Larfleeze #9

By Stargraves reaction, Larfleeze hasn't lost all of his junk.

Larfleeze is a space dog from the planet I forget the name of the planet. Okaara, I think! That's probably correct but I don't have an assistant to do research for me so I mostly just make up all of my facts. That's a fact! I once had an assistant. His name was Pickle Boy. Sometimes we called him Sprinkles. But he betrayed me one day and I had to give him his walking shoes. I said, "Here, Pickle Boy. Here are your walking shoes." And he said, "But I wasn't planning on doing any walking!" And I said, "I know! It is a hint that I am forcing you to do your walking now! Right out that door! Forever and ever!" I said that while looking away from Pickle Boy's face because I did not want him to see how much it hurt me to give him his walking shoes. He said, "Did you want coffee? Or an early lunch? I am confused!" I said, "Handing you your walking shoes is a metaphor! I am trying to let you down easy!" He probably made a face that I would have recognized as sudden comprehension if I had been looking at his face because he said, "Oh! Do you mean you're giving me my walking papers?!" I replied, "That is the smart mouth that has cost you your job! Now go and never darken my instep again!" Then I stood there for ten minutes before noticing he had left because I was looking the other way and he never took the folded up newspaper shoes I had made for him and I didn't have a bell on the door so he slipped out quietly.

When I am dying and thinking up my last words, I will say, "I have no regrets!" But that will be a lie because I regret not kissing Pickle Boy on the mouth before he walked out of my life. I also regret having to do so much of the tedious assistant work that he always used to take care of! Who knew he did so much for so little?! I'm surprised he waited until I gave him his walking shoes before looking for a different job!

So if you ever wondered why I said something was true but it was not true at all, it's Pickle Boy's fault. Unless it's my fault for being lazy and not caring about accuracy. Maybe it's 70% Pickle Boy's fault and 30% my fault. I hope that math is correct since Pickle Boy was the one who owned the calculator.

I should start over! Larfleeze is a space dog and he is in a fight with a space family that is exactly like the Waltons if they were from space and they loved to fuck each others mouths. I wish Pickle Boy were here to tell me how to properly apostrophate that previous sentence! He was also my grammar editor. He was also the person that brought ice cream to the office and I really want ice cream right now! That's why he was sometimes called Sprinkles!

This issue begins in the middle of a space battle.

Or space sex. I've never experienced either of those so it's hard to tell.

I hope you didn't misunderstand that previous statement and think I haven't had sex! You should improve your reading comprehension in that case and realize I've never had space sex. I've had the other kind of normal sex all over the place! And it was fantastic! Except the first time which was really disappointing because the girl was not very good and it hurt like it always does the first time. Unless it didn't hurt because I crashed on my bicycle that one time? You know how it all works! Why am I explaining it to you, right? Wink, wink!

Winking at another person means that you're in on the game with them. That means that if you've done it before and I winked at you, I've done it too! So when I wink at you, you have to believe I've totally done it lots of times already. I probably shouldn't be going on and on about this because Pickle Boy used to say, "Thou protests too much." But I've never protested anything ever so I don't know what he was talking about. If I had protested something, it would have been Pickle Boy working for me! I would have greeted him at the door with a sign that said, "If you are reading this sign and you are Pickle Boy, you should feel really bad because it is meant to be a scathing indictment of your personality. Unless the word I wanted was 'inditement' and not 'indictment.' Could you fact check that for me, Pickle Boy?" That's why I've never protested because it's a lot of effort to put glitter on that much writing.

During the space battle, Larfleeze learns that the name of the incestual father figure is Xum of All Things. One of Larfleeze's favorite things is all things! The Wanderer realizes that Xum just made a foie gras and tries to get him to take it back before Larfleeze kills them all to obtain all the things. Xum is just confused because if somebody really wanted him to take back what he just said, it should have been his sister-wife Errata.

Predictably (if you're a good Reader. And all Writers are good Readers even if they don't Read a lot because they're busy Writing. That's because they recognize where a story is headed due to their experience of Writing), Larfleeze decides he wants All Things and attacks Xum. If you've been paying close attention, you'll have realized that Larfleeze is really greedy and likes material possessions. That's called motivation! It's very subtle but if you pay close attention, you can pick up on things like that. If you weren't paying close attention, you might be confused right now and wonder, "Why did the space dog attack the guy that likes to bang his own family?" Luckily, if you are one of those people that find reading hard, Larfleeze explains his actions as he takes them. He says, "I want all the things that you were just talking about, Xum!" Don't worry if you're still kind of confused! I'm sure Larfleeze will mention how much he wants things a few more times before the end.

I'm still not sure if this is a space battle or space sex! What is coming out of his mouth?

As an all powerful family of space gods, they aren't very all powerful! They cannot even destroy one space dog with all of their combined powers!

I don't think you're a monkey, space dog!

I think a Green Lantern is supposed to make an appearance soon! One was summoned by the Planet of Sad Robots last issue. They mentioned a female Green Lantern but I can't think of one that would fit the tone of this comic book and Pickle Boy is busy making sandwiches at that deli I can't eat at any more because he broke my heart. Otherwise I'd ask him to do research on a funny female Green Lantern. I would expect G'nort to show up and maybe he will! The Sad Robots said a female Green Lantern gave them the Green Lantern Signal. They didn't say she would appear when they used it. I sure hope it's G'nort and that someday I can eat a Meatball Sub that isn't salty from my tears.

As Larfleeze continues to pummel Xum and scream about wanting stuff, I realize that Larfleeze probably isn't a space dog at all! He's a really ugly space cat! How do I do that search and replace thing Pickle Boy used to do whenever I continually called Clark Kent "Clark Kunt" throughout one of my brilliant essays? If I'd learned how to do that, I could just change all of the times I called Larfleeze a "space dog" to a "space cat"! But then this paragraph wouldn't make much sense so maybe it's a good thing I didn't learn anything at all from Pickle Boy. If only he'd learned something from me though! Like how to love!

If you haven't been purchasing this comic book, just imagine nine months of these two panels over and over again, just with different opponents.

Larfleeze either defeats the entire House of Tuath-Dan or exhausts them through his doing-it prowess.

I still can't tell!

After the Space Sex Battle is over, The Wanderer discovers she must marry Larfleeze. It's either because he bested her in combat or he got her pregnant, depending on, you remember, if it was Space Sex or Space Battling. Either way, The Wanderer's Brother, the Battle Master Guy that looks like he's on fire whose name I can't remember because my assistant is dead to me, points out to The Wanderer that her oath to marry the first guy that bests her (or does it to her. Remember! I can't tell!) was a joke played on her by their twisted father. A father who probably did it to them all continuously because incest isn't frowned upon from the dimension this family came from. It might even be expected. Knowing my luck, if I'd been born in that universe, I would have been an orphaned only child!

Larfleeze puts his space drill in Xum's head which causes him to remember that he forgot his butler. So now he has to go back and engage in another Space Sex Battle! At least this time, The Wanderer is willing. She's also willing to give Larfleeze his butler back as a wedding present. And once Larfleeze has his butler, he'll probably cancel the wedding! And then The Wanderer will want her present back! So one way or another, Space Sex Battling is going to happen. Again.

Why won't this comic book clear up my confusion?!

The surviving members of the House of Tuath Dan gather together to formulate a plan to kill Larfleeze the Space Cat. But the reader isn't privy to their machine nations, so don't ask me to know what they're planning on doing! I don't even know if I just read a bunch of sex scenes or battle scenes! At least I'm finally going to find out on the last page which Green Lantern is coming to help the Sad Robots.

Yay! Now that's a space dog!

Larfleeze #9 Rating: No change. This comic book has just gotten better with the appearance of G'nort because he only appeared for one page! I bet he gets really annoying and repetitive next issue really quickly! Really! This series is a bit bland but it has at least one or two moments every issue that I really enjoy. That seems to be enough to keep it from plummeting down the ranks! Like this issue, I liked the take on the Red Sonja Oath of Marriage Trope and I liked the shot of Larfleeze getting knocked across the room while pondering why everyone keeps calling him a monkey. Has he never seen a monkey? Because he's all furry and gangly just like a monkey! I bet his butt is really uncomfortable to look at as well!