Futures End #28

What's something totally recognizable in Gotham that we can have the Batmen crash into while fighting (even though they're battling in New York City?)? I know!

I know, I know! The fight in New York ended almost immediately when Plastique blew the poop out of everybody in Tim Drake's apartment. This cover probably represents the next meeting of the Batmen! It doesn't look like it goes any better.

Do you think an editor would have told me that I can't use the phrase "I know" three times in a row? Probably! But who needs editors anyway? Don't you dare say I do, you traitor.

This issue begins with Lois Lane not being eaten by sharks because she parachuted onto Cadmus Island and not into the ocean like we all thought was going to happen, right? Right? You all thought that too, right? Thought that this issue would be twenty pages of Lois Lane drowning while hallucinating a happy life courting and eventually marrying Superman? Then at the last minute, she would be saved from drowning by a shark and die from blood loss and shock instead.

On Cadmus Island, Lois runs into an OMAC, and then an OMAC, and then another OMAC, an OMAC, an OMAC, two OMACS, then another OMAC, and finally somebody she recognizes (not an OMAC).

Has Lois Lane ever worn a Lantern ring? Did she call herself Lois Lantern?

Over in Frank Rock's office, Frank and King Faraday and, soon, Fifty Sue and Voodoo are all trying to figure out who is going to kill whom and what enemy is the worst and how do any of them work together when some of them want to kill some of the others and what the fuck is going on in this comic book again?

Voodoo's steez is pretty kickin', yo.

Wait, wait. I think I got this, Voodoo. See, your buddy Grifter was taken by Faraday to be part of a team that would remove superheroes from the world. But that team was infiltrated by Brother Eye so Faraday turned the team's attention to destroying Brother Eye. But then Faraday realized he needed a back-up plan to kill the super powered members of his team who were busy defeating Brother Eye and/or killing and capturing other super powered people! So he hired Frank Rock's Girl Squad to kill Fifty Sue. But then Deathstroke joined with Brother Eye in an attempt to kill Fifty Sue which made Fifty Sue want to kill Deathstroke which caused her to seek out Faraday and join the team that was put together to kill her. Easy peasy!

Meanwhile, Batman and Batman Beyond do not smash into the Batsignal. And Tim Drake, Ronnie Raymond, and Jason Rusch all search for Madison Payne. But they'll never find her because she's with Doctor Yamazake testing out his teleportation device. Such a helpful lass.

Futures End #28 Rating: No Ratings November continues! Judging by the cover of Futures End #29 and the "in next issue" pics, it looks like Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch are going to break up permanently.

Look how terrified poor Ronnie is of merging with a female!

Worlds' Finest #27

Yay! Just what DC's fans have been clamoring for! Another comic book starring Batman and Superman!

Do I really care about the secret history of Earth-2? Maybe if it's all the blood of Charlemagne lizard people and rampant chupacabras, sure! But if it's "Thomas Wayne didn't die in that alley!" and "Superman wasn't the only Superbaby!", I'm not so sure I'm interested. Why can't this be a Man-Thing/Howard the Duck team up?

Hey Marvel and DC! Get your stupid act together and realize that you should be publishing one monthly comic book that mixes your stupid universes. Just tell the lawyers to fuck off and stop trying to stifle everybody's fun. If you have to, just publish it with characters with slightly different names followed by "wink wink" in parentheses. So you'd have Badgerine (wink wink!) and Uberman (wink wink) and Amazing Woman (wink wink plus a nudge nudge) and Arachnid-dude (wink wink) and The Ostentatious Ignoramus (you know, the Hulk! Wink wink!). What's wrong with Marvel and DC? Do they hate money?

This issue begins with Tornado Lane believing that Earth-2 is so fucking special that all of its history and art and knowledge and sexual positions need to be recorded and preserved so that maybe, sometime in the far future when nobody will give a shit about ancient happenings, a society will take up her digital recordings and say, "How am I supposed to access this data in this antiquated storage device?" No wait. What Lois hopes will happen is that they will "rebuild their world if possible." Who is going to want to rebuild an ancient world that doesn't fucking matter anymore? I think the future will be more interested in naked selfies of your robot circuitry than the history of Batman and Superman. So come on, Lois! Remove the metal carapace and show me your chips!

Tornado Lane begins her historical account with the early years of Clark Kent. Who's that? Perhaps she should begin by telling the future that he was Superman! She's assuming her audience knows an awful lot.

"Know this, Future Generations: Superman's father was a huge failure."

While little baby Clark was rocketing to Earth filling his space capsule with loads of green baby turds, Thomas Wayne was busy telling Frankie Falcone that he and Martha are done attending his key parties. But he's Frankie Falcone, baby! If he wants to fuck something, he's going to fuck it! Nobody says "Get your dick out of my face!" to Frankie Falcone! Well, nobody but Thomas Wayne. But he would pay for that transgression! In an alley! Behind a theater! After watching The Mask of Zorro! Um, probably. It happens like that on every Earth, right?

Since Thomas won't play pee-pee games with Falcone anymore, Falcone needs a favor from Thomas Wayne so that Frankie can find someone that can't say no to his fat dick.

Oh yeah. Frankie's gonna get himself a gay baby!

Meanwhile on Krypton, Intri of Apokolips arrives to make Jor-el an offer he'll probably refuse because it's probably about his baby and Darkseid's cock.

There's an awful lot of infant pedophilia happening so far in the secret history of Earth-2.

I'm getting the feeling that Tornado Lane isn't recording the secret history of Earth-2. I think she's just writing her own wank book. A filthy, disgusting, immoral wank book that I completely and totally don't approve of at all! Except I have to admit that it should be published because I'm against censorship even if the material that is being censored involves people having sex with infants. I, for one, would never create horrible material like that! Can you even imagine reading something so ethically disgusting? Baby Alan Scott lying in the crib with a come hither giggle, naked, drooling, and seductive lying in its own filth, while a man...Ugh! So gross! How dare you, Tornado Lane, put those thoughts in anybody's mind! Shame on you, Lois! Shame!

Anyway, Jor-el sends Clark, Kara, Val, and a mystery baby away from Krypton so they could avoid dying and/or being molested.

Yeah! Although the children are being sent to the world with that other monster, Frankie Falcone, on it. So they still might wind up with severe trauma.

Thomas beats down Frankie Falcone which may or may not come back to haunt him later. I guess it depends on whether or not the mugger that kills his wife was a random mugging or a hit put out by Frankie. Will Tornado Lane uncover the truth to that story? You know what? I don't really fucking care. Why am I, once again, rereading Batman and Superman origin stories?! I've had it to the end of my cock with these fucking stories no matter what kind of twist DC puts on them! And I'm talking about my erect cock and not my flaccid cock! So that's like a whole bunch of more inches or centimeters or something worth of exhausted with these stories! Batman and Superman are so over!

Worlds' Finest #27 Rating: -4 Ranking. DC Comics has done a disservice to this title by losing the story of female friendship that had shaped it up until this point. I'm really not interested in a story about Earth-2 Superman and Batman! We already know the end of that story! They die! Oh, sure. Maybe it'll wind up being entertaining and interesting how all the Soon To Be Justice Society Babies' lives will be intricately tied up with one another. But it had better get really interesting really quickly or I'm going to rant and rave and lose my mind every time I have to read this stupid fucking comic book! Or forget making Earth-2's Super Babies interesting and just give me back Huntress and Power Girl, you jerks!

Earth 2 #23

Was a satisfactory answer ever given as to why Red Tornado had a huge arrow pointing to his face? Did he get drunk at an android frat party? Does it say "Shit Here" on the other side of his head? And by "him", I'm referring to the original which Tornado Lane's look is based off of.

Tornado Lane isn't exactly a powerhouse hero, is she? No way is she going to defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman in a physical match. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of "try to remember me" and "I know, deep down, you still love me!" nonsense happening. At least, that's what I would expect in a regular book. But I think Tom Taylor has it in him to pull some wacky shit out of his writing pen.

Tornado Lane: "Superman! It's me, Lois! The greatest reporter the world has ever known! Also your wife!"
FtFO Superman: "WHAT?! Greatest reporter?! Clark Kent could report circles around the circles he was reporting around you!"
Tornado Lane: "Your pieces were nothing more than human interest stories! They were the bellybutton lint of real news! And your shitty opinion pieces were, frankly, shitty!"
FtFO Superman: "Without me, you'd only ever have written one article! And it would have been published posthumously!"
Tornado Lane: "KISS ME!"
FtFO Superman: "FUCK ME!"

Then Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts his dick in Tornado Lane's robotic asshole where her sphincter locks up and the kryptonite bomb stashed in her bowels blows them both into confetti.

I imagine this issue should play out something like that.

I imagine this is where Darkseid meows and then makes a cracking whip sound.

The parademon army nearby should have paid more attention to the message Darkseid was trying to convey because I don't think they would have shot Tornado Lane in the back if they realized how much power she had over Flip the Fuck Out Superman. As soon as Tornado Lane is harmed, Flip the Fuck Out Superman destroys about three thousand parademons with a single blast of heat vision.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts the war on hold for a bit so he can go somewhere private and "chat" with Tornado Lane. I put chat in quotation marks because it will probably just wind up being Tornado Lois screaming at Flip the Fuck Out Clark for acting like such a huge douche. They leave Val-el and Hawkcop to escape from three thousand more parademons.

And since Val-el is a pacifist, it doesn't look too good for Hawkcop's chances.

Don't worry! Queen Lantern comes along to save their asses. He says, "Who wants to live forever!" And then the parademons go, "We want to live forever!" And then Queen Lantern sings some other lyrics from that song or just goes right into Another One Bites the Dust. He really does remind me of Flash Gordon though!

Oh! Guess where Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Tornado Lane go to talk? A little farm in Smallville, Indianasksasowa! Flip the Fuck Out Clark wants Flip the Fuck Out Ma and Flip the Fuck Out Pa to see that Lois is still alive! Technically! Ma and Pa Kent seem to be dealing with their son's midlife crisis as well as any parents would. Or at least as well as the parents of that Lost in Space kid in that Twilight Zone episode. "What you done to the world, Clark? That's real good, Clark! Real good!" I bet Lana Lang is out in the fucking cornfield with Lex Luthor!

Meanwhile at the Replacement Batcave, the Not Quite the Justice Society are once again under attack.

If only Alfred were still around, he could have held it up at the front door.

Where is Alfred Pennyworth on Earth 2?! He must exist somewhere. I refuse to believe he's dead. I bet he was buried alive with Batman. But he was probably given a bunch of Batman's rebreathers so he can stay alive and dust the crypt every day.

Before the Not Quite the Justice Society can retreat through Sandman's portal to Themyscira, Red Speedy is bit in the neck by an Apokorat and goes down. Replacement Batman sets a self-destruct system (coded Azrael because Azrael blows) that counts down and blows up the Replacement Batcave after everybody escapes. Except Queen Lantern and Hawkcop don't choose to escape. They'd rather sit in the middle of a nuclear explosion than run away like chumps. I'm sure Queen Lantern kept them (and stupid Red Speedy) safe.

Earth 2 #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't get enough of DC Comics when they're allowed to do whatever the fuck they want! Fuck having to make sure your comic book's continuity doesn't fuck up ten Batman comic books' continuities! I wish just about every comic book took place on a completely different Earth! That would be so much fun! DC should break away from one world tied together and just do more and more worlds! Crisis on Infinite Earths was the dumbest move the company ever made!