Aquaman #2

"To the bone!" might not be the best cover copy on a story entitled "Single Wet Female."

In the letter column of last issue, it was mentioned that this issue was going to have a shocking ending. Hopefully it's something other than "Aquaman loses his hand" because I don't think I can find something I know is coming "shocking." Thanks, cover spoiler!

Anybody else remember Caitlin Ryan? If yes, get her out of your head, you stupid prick! She's my eternal crush!

The big shock ending also isn't that Charybdis's girlfriend is named Scylla because that isn't revealed at the end of the comic book nor is it shocking. That's discovered on page two (page one if you're a twelve year old nerd who has read every book on mythology in their elementary school library so when you saw Charybdis's unnamed girlfriend (or sister? (dammit! Now I'm horny!)) on page one, you think, "Oh yeah. That's totally Scylla." Then you start humming The Police's "Ring Around Your Finger").

The death of Garth isn't the shocking ending either because he's saved from the circling sharks by the hottest silhouette I've ever seen.

The silhouette of the nurse on Seinfeld when George's mother is in the hospital is a close second.

Charybdis has captured Aquaman and Dolphin so he can siphon their psychic powers and grow powerful enough to enact his evil master plan.

He's going to fuck the world!

The shocking ending isn't when Charybdis blows Scylla's brains out because he upset that she left him when she died previous to getting her brains blown out. That's shocking but it happens on page 5 and unless I'm willing to stop reading, that's not the shock ending I was promised and which had better not be Aquaman losing his hand. Also, if you didn't follow the initial sentence, it's because I left out the detail that this current Scylla was an actress being paid to play the part of Charybdis's dead girlfriend (and maybe still sister?).

Meanwhile, the sexy silhouette who Garth idiotically thinks might be Tula because Garth apparently forgot how small Tula's breasts are sends Garth off to Charybdis's headquarters. But then she leaves the story because this is a Comics Code Authority comic book and you can only have so many panels of naked women before a bunch of old prudes start frowning your way. Weirdly enough, you can have as many brains blown out as you can draw and everything will be fine.

If the Comics Code Authority knew I want to have sex with that hole, they'd realize their terrible error in judgment.

Charybdis introduces Aquaman to his new pets, a few piranha. Aquaman, not having seen the cover, doesn't realize what's in store for him. Hopefully what's in store for him isn't on the last page because I'm still relying on a really satisfying shocking ending that hasn't been ruined by the cover.

Garth arrives to steal Charybdis's biggest gun and blow Charybdis's undersea headquarters to smithereens. Everybody escapes the destruction and Aquaman chases Charybdis onto land, through the jungle, and at the edge of a river where Aquaman says the absolutely wrong thing.

Dammit! This would be so much more dramatic if the cover hadn't ruined it! Now it's just lousy dramatic irony!

Anyway, the big shock ending is Aquaman's hand being eaten down to the bone by piranhas. It also might be that the piranhas ate Charybdis as well. But since nobody ever cared about that guy, that can't be the shocking ending. Maybe the shocking part is that Dolphin actually says something.

Aquaman #2 Rating: B. Zero Hour happens after this issue so it's basically a coin flip whether or not these first two issues even matter anymore! I suppose I just decided to believe that Aquaman ceased to exist after Zero Hour and I stopped buying the comic.

Aquaman #1

In 1994, Aquaman was reduced to playing at State Fairs with only 1/3 of his original band.

It's as if the cover artist was only told that Aquaman would have long hair in this series three minutes before the cover was due. Or maybe Aquaman's insane hair is simply there to distract from whatever the fuck is going on with his legs. I know he loses a hand in this series but I didn't know he started off missing his left leg below the terribly misshapen thigh.

Don't look so shocked that I own an Aquaman comic book! Think of it more as owning a Peter David comic book. And even Peter David couldn't keep me reading Aquaman because I only have two issues of this series. Cue King Beauregard linking to Ookla the Mok's song, "Arthur Curry," in the Disqus comment section.

It's seems crazy to me that Aquaman has the worst costume of any major DC hero and yet he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside. Think about how unappealing the 1986 camouflage Aquaman suit must have been if editorial decided to go back to this orange and green eyesore?

If I had been editing this comic book in 1994, I would have put this copy on the cover: "This isn't your father's Aquaman! This Aquaman is your father!" How did "long hair on an old guy with a full beard" translate into "Aquaman is super cool now, kids!"?

I probably should just put this comic book back in its protective casing rather than read it since it's one of the few comic books I own that might be worth something. It's definitely in mint condition (or near mint since, you know, I breathed on it), probably because I never actually read it. I don't know for sure that I read it but it is an Aquaman comic book so Vegas is giving pretty shitty odds on my having read it. Unless I mean good odds? Which odds are good and which odds are bad? I would say shitty odds are things like winning one dollar for every five dollars bet. But that just means the odds of winning are good so that probably means they're good odds, right? So maybe read the opposite of what I wrote in that Vegas odds sentence.

"They" have never had a wet dream, apparently.

That previous caption might sound like I've eaten my own semen while having a wet dream but I totally didn't.

That previous sentence might sound like I'm protesting too much but I don't know what that means and, anyway, you tasted your semen during your wet dream!

Aquaman hopes he's dreaming but he can feel and taste and smell and remember and read, so he's pretty sure he's about to die. The way I know I'm dreaming is that when a dream becomes increasingly uncomfortable or horrific, I often think, "You know what? I bet this is just a dream!" And then I wake up. Which is totally a mistake! I need to train my brain to stop waking up once I realize I'm dreaming and start taking control of the dream. Although I'm not sure how enjoyable a dream would be if I were consciously in control of it. Then it's not a realy dream anymore and it just becomes an IMAX daydream. The great thing about dreams is that they're surprising. It's the only way a person can truly surprise themselves. Hallucinogenics help a bit but you're still in some kind of control. I once thought I invented comic books and that Jupiter was following me around a strip club parking lot while on mushrooms but I've never fucked a vampire as the sun rose and turned her to dust while I orgasmed like I've done in my dreams!

Hey, some of my dreams might be problematic or completely gross but I didn't approve them! Like the one where I murdered the old lady so I could live in her house but I didn't want things to seem too suspicious by covering it up so I just propped her corpse up in the corner of the living room. Or the time a friend made me a personalized flavor of Moon Pie called "Murdered Baby's Soul." Dreams are like presidential campaign ads that don't have the candidate saying, "I approve this ad!", at the end of it.

Aquaman was dreaming. Also, he sleeps in a regular bed with sheets and blankets in a cave under the ocean. I would have had him sleeping in a giant clam shell with a manta ray comforter.

Garth visits Aquaman in his cave which isn't full of water so I guess the bed is forgivable. But it doesn't explain why Aquaman was floating over the bed tangled in his sheets. Maybe that will be explained in the post-Zero Hour continuity.

Aquaman hasn't been seen in weeks and hasn't been answering his JL pager (Ha ha! Old technology! So funny!) so Aqualad has gone looking for him. He finds Aquaman sitting in his own filth and coral. He probably heard one too many jokes about speaking with fish and he's had it with topsiders.

Aquacave?! Guess who has Bat-Penis envy!

Garth was worried about Arthur and has come to help him which is why he begins screaming at him and pushing him around. I know being berated and treated like shit is the only way I've ever gotten any kind of breakthroughs in therapy.

Garth and Arthur get in a fight and the art confirms that the cave is definitely filled with water. So that bed really doesn't make any fucking sense at all. At least it confirms that Aquaman isn't possessed by the devil.

After Garth gets his ass kicked, Aquaman begins to feel better and is ready to go on an adventure with Aqualad. Oh, so that was Aqualad's plan! Smart kid whose willing to take a severe beating from a friend just to put a smile on their face. I never would have thought of that. I would have thought, "My friend is really feeling down! I should be empathetic and compassionate while listening to them vent their problems!" But now Peter David has taught me another way. Punch my depressed friends in the face so that they can have a good time fighting back! This is a game changer!

Aqualad is on a military mission for the United States Government. A nuclear submarine has been sunk and it's lying too low on the ocean's bottom for the military to deal with it. For some reason, they think Aquaman, being the water guy, can handle a submarine leaking radioactive material. I'm just going to assume Superman was still dead at this point and Batman's back was still broken. I don't know why Wonder Woman wouldn't have been tasked for this mission unless it's just because the U.S. military is full of sexist jerks.

Aquaman and Aqualad begin to investigate the ship when they're attacked by Lupo the Butcher.

Does Garth die?! That would make this Aquaman series cool!

Murder Chef was the one who requested Aquaman be sent on this mission. If the military didn't acquiesce, he was going to blow the nuclear submarine apart. I knew it was fucking suspicious that the military asked Aquaman for help! Even Aquaman should have known better!

Aquaman is captured by Murder Chef who introduces himself as Charybdis. He wants Aquaman for his life force or something. Previous to capturing Aquaman, he's been draining Dolphin of her life force. I don't know anything about Dolphin except that she had nice nipples in her Who's Who entry. Let me dig it out and show you.

That diver just came in his scuba suit.

Don't be surprised or creeped out that this fact was lurking in my memory. I grew up in the pre-Internet era! You had to find sexually stimulating material wherever you could! And you were fucking grateful for it! This was as great a find as the succubus or the Type V demon in the D&D Monster Manual. Hell, I even jerked off to the Caryatid Columns in Fiend Folio!

Aquaman #1 Rating: B. I might have given this issue an A+ but Dolphin lacked the visible nipples I'm used to her character exhibiting. But this issue still gets a worthy B because Garth was left bleeding in the ocean while the sharks circled. He's totally going to die, right? Although I never purchased Issue #3 so I'm guessing I was disappointed that Garth didn't die. Still, you'd think Aquaman losing his hand (spoiler for next issue!) would have kept me intrigued. I bet in 1994, I read this series and was all, "Fucking Aquaman! Like anybody actually cares about the environment! Fucking virtue signaler! [Sorry I Coined the Term "Manic Pixie Dream Virtue Signaler" in 1994 by Me] His excess of caring makes me love oil and corporations now! It's his fault I'm such a selfish asshole!" Man, I was pretty cool in 1994. Now I'm almost 100% pure virtue signaler! Oh, Aquaman! I judged thee by my youth alone and could not see past your idiotic power to speak with fish to lay my sight upon the wisdom of your passionate defense of our only world!

Justice League #10

This is obviously going to be a terrible issue.

I'm not exactly sure why I continue to read all of the Justice League books. I suppose I still retain a small part of the comic book fan I used to be. The one that wanted to believe all of the hype surrounding every big change in the DC Universe, as if it were part of a larger story that would somehow, eventually, resolve into a coherent plot. It's like when you believe life means something because how could it not? Experiencing the beauty and tragedy of this world practically forces a person into thinking it must all be for some reason. But eventually, if you're paying any sort of attention and haven't been completely brainwashed and deluded by outside sources that want to control and manipulate your every action (or, simply, by your own selfish ego that insists on eternal existence), you see the truth and you say, "Fuck you, Keats! Truth is not beauty at all! What the fuck were you talking about?! Truth is a dark pit of despair washing away all hope and wonder and screaming in your face, 'Sentience is an accident that will ultimately betray you!'" And that's how I've felt about Scott Snyder since the end of "Death of the Family." The good shit he wrote was an accident and he, ultimately, betrayed me. Sometimes I'm thankful when he ditches a project to let James Tynion IV take over. At least then I get to write speculative conversations about what Tynion did to become Snyder's lackey.

This issue is the prelude to Aquaman Month. It's not a coincidence that Aquaman Month is taking place in No Nut November (which, by the way, I refuse to believe is a real thing since isn't everything now just the creation of some wayward posting on 4chan or Reddit? The dark monsters posting there have become our true gods now). And now that I've mentioned not nutting, I'm suddenly not interested in Aquaman! Not that I was ever interested in Aquaman. That statement itself is not a wild proclamation. It probably ever needs to be written. In any description of anybody ever (like say an About the Author blurb or a Grindr profile), I automatically, in my head, append "Not a fan of Aquaman." Being a fan of Aquaman is the kind of thing you have to state and then restate after the person listening to you finally hears something you're saying and says, "What the fuck did you just admit to?" Also, they weren't listening to you up until that point because I'm assuming that if you're an Aquaman fan, you're boring as shit.

Oh, don't get me wrong about my dislike of Aquaman! I hate being on the same side of a debate as the people who make fun of Aquaman because they know you're supposed to make fun of Aquaman. Everybody knows he's the joke character of the Justice League and it's okay to make fun of him. I am the kind of Aquaman hater that Aquaman lovers despise. I am a well-informed Aquaman hater. I was there during his four issue miniseries where he got the blue waves costume and everybody thought Aquaman was going to be the next big thing in comics. It is true that series was worth a lot of money for the length of time it took everybody to read all four issues. But it didn't do anything for Aquaman. He still sucked. Now he just sucked even worse because he starred in a series that was basically a therapy session that he mostly just weeps in. I was also there for Peter David's attempt to make him angsty by giving him long hair and a hook. I would explain how well that changed Aquaman's standing if I could actually remember any of the series. In any case, he's just one of those things that keeps on sucking, no matter how many memes show him commanding sharks to jump out of the water to eat parademons.

Oh, sorry! I was going to speak about not nutting when I was rudely interrupted by my lack of reverence for Aquaman. Apparently people think not nutting helps a person to retain their chi and, thus, have more energy to accomplish things. I think that line of argument is true but in a way that nobody talks about. Refraining from jerking off while also not being able to get laid does not mean you suddenly have more energy stored up to accomplish greater things. But it's not about the saved energy at all. It's more about the distraction. If you want to jerk off, you think about jerking off until you've jerked off. Once you jerk off, your mind is clear. The desire has been satiated and you can move on without distraction. No Nutters live in a constant state of distraction. They constantly think about jerking off because they won't jerk off. And to keep themselves from jerking off, they need to distract themselves even further. So they do things that aren't jerking off while thinking, "Holy shit do I want to bust a load." I'd rather interact with people who have freshly jerked off (one reason I'm against shaking hands, by the way) or gotten laid because I know that whatever we're talking about, it's what they actually want to talk about. But if you're dealing with a No Nutter, you're dealing with somebody who is thinking about busting a nut the entire time you're interacting with them. It's disgusting. Go fucking jerk off, you gross withholder of self-gratification.

Anyway, enough about jerking off! Let's discuss the jerk-off, Aquaman!

In the prologue to Drowned Earth, Aquaman learns that evil water heroes that have also been rejected by their planets exist throughout the universe. They're angry at people thinking they're useless, especially when it comes to space travel and interstellar conflicts, and they're going to teach every person on Earth that water-based hero aren't jokes! Will Aquaman side with them or we will swallow his dignity and help those who can't stop cracking talks with fish jokes?!

Grade: C. Sometimes I wonder why expect this comic book to be about the relationships between the greatest heroes on Earth instead of realizing it's just about making them fight threats to the entire world (if not the entire universe). Sometimes I wonder if I spend money on this book because, deep down, I truly fucking despise myself. Whatever's going on, you can be assured that I'll be reading entire Drowned Earth story!

Aquaman #10

I think a jellyfish is stuck to her mouth.

Somebody named stickyshemale just began following my Tumblr account. I used to block porn accounts whenever I noticed them following me but then I had to think, "What if they're just really intelligent comic book fans who appreciate the hidden depths of my dick jokes?" And then I had to stop blocking them because I would hate it if I couldn't read the things that I wrote.

Mera is still putting up with the old lady tradition nonsense where they have to make sure she's fit to be the queen and also make sure she's a virgin, probably. Part of the tradition is to read her future to find out what kind of queen she'll be. It seems like maybe that's the only part that would matter! If they can really tell the future then what else does Mera have to learn? Just look at the seaweed leaves, makes sure the world isn't destroyed when Mera becomes queen, and then let her marry Arthur. So they look at her future and there's a hitch that makes it seem like maybe she shouldn't marry Arthur.

This story is called "Future Tide". Judging by this image and these Narration Boxes, I think I know what "tide" Abnett is talking about.

Apparently if Arthur marries Mera, he'll die and she'll go crazy and the world will end in something called The Deluge. I guess that's just the Atlantean equivalent of a Trump Presidency. I mean an apocalypse.

Mera is offended that the Widowhood think she's going to bring about the end of the world. She's all, "How can I be the bringer of destruction? Look at these fantastic tits! How could these cause any harm?!" I would also mention the full and tight ass. It's definitely not destroying anything in my pants. In fact, it's creating something!

The Widowhood decide that, based on the vision, maybe Mera isn't a good match for Arthur. That's dumb! Don't they know that prophecy always plays people for fools?! Obviously the prophecy means that because of the prophecy, the Widowhood do not allow Mera to marry Arthur, therefore he marries somebody who will wind up destroying the world. That's like Prophecy 101: Intro to Self-fulfilling Prophecies.

When she's told she can't marry Arthur, Mera wishes she were a land dweller so she could stomp her foot. Instead she has to be content with letting out a few bubbles of shock as she stares agape into her suddenly depressing and loveless future. It's also probably the future that will bring the Deluge, stupid prophets!

Mera decides to go hang out at the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Aquadog, a carton of Oreos, and a gallon of Earl Grey tea.

Why does she have to wring out her hair? Can't she just use her powers to remove the water?

The Prophet had a little more prophecy than the vision of the world drowning in menstrual blood. It said something about the name of the enemy being hidden in the lighthouse that howls, or something. So as Mera walks up to the lighthouse and hears Aquadog howling, she begins to feel the prophecy really did focus on her. But nobody cared about the Prophet's addendum! It was too abstruse. But I'm sure Mera will figure it out. I just hope she figures it out in this issue because I didn't buy Issue #11.

Mera finds a note from Stubbs, some woman she met in a previous story arc. She wants to meet with her so she can tell her about NEMO. Hey! They're Aquaman's real enemy! I just figured it out! Black Manta is going to disguise himself as a woman so he can marry Arthur and destroy the world! Boom. Now I don't have to worry about this story ending this issue because I guess what's going to happen. Even if I'm wrong, I'll never know because I'm not reading the next issue. And nobody reading this would be dickbag enough to destroy my delusion!

During the meeting, some NEMO operative named Broadsides tries to assassinate Mera and Stubbs. But he fails because he's terrible. Although he does get away. Afterward, Mera learns that Aquaman nearly died battling The Shaggy Man because she was off being tested to make sure she didn't pass on any sexually transmitted diseases on her wedding night with Aquaman.

The Ranking!
No change. I haven't really been interested in Aquaman since Issue #1 of The New 52 so it's off the pull list. It'll be hard to adjust to a comic book reading life of not making fun of Aquaman and sexually harassing fictional character Mera with my sexy words. I sort of hope the only Aquaman comics I ever read again are the ones by Peter David in the nineties. Mostly because I have those and I'll be rereading them at some point so I'd like to pretend that I want to.

Aquaman #9

Maybe the Shaggy Man just needs a Snickers?

Hey! That's an idea! Has anybody tried giving Donald Trump a Snickers? Maybe he's just really hungry! If somebody gives him a Snickers, maybe he'll go back to the Trump who was pro-abortion and thought universal healthcare was a right of the people!

How bored must Donald Trump already be with all of this pre-presidential shit? He's like the football player who runs for Student Body President simply for the extra adulation and pussy but then ditches every student council meeting and completely ignores every single one of his duties.

Donald Trump is missing a grand opportunity. How can he not fill every cabinet position with reality television stars and aging child celebrities?! I'm so fucking disappointed in the loss of this potential New World Order!

Shit. I just realized The Shaggy Man isn't Donald Trump! I thought I was writing about the comic book already! The Shaggy Man Aquaman is fighting was created by Professor Ivo and not by Satan's jizz squirted into a bag of Cheetos and crumpled up dollar bills.

Aquaman tries to explain The Shaggy Man to Tula.

Aquaman: "It's like Doomsday! But worse!"
Tula: "Wait. How is it worse than Doomsday? Doomsday killed Superman!"
Aquaman: "Yeah, but Doomsday has to die to become resistant to the thing that killed him. The Shaggy Man just needs to be hurt by it and he's resistant!"
Tula: "But isn't The Shaggy Man a robot? Isn't it just a machine? How does that work?!"
Aquaman: "I have no idea! You just have to accept these things and live with them! Stop questioning the logic of our universe!"
Tula: "If this Shaggy Man is a real thing, what the fuck? How are people not rioting in the streets over planned obsolescence?! Why am I continually having to buy a new iPhone...I mean, uSphere every other year? Can't Professor Ivo make one from Shaggy Man technology?"
Aquaman: "I told you to stop questioning these things! The next thing you'll want to know is how I exist when Atlanteans and Land Dwellers have evolved into such obviously different species that my parents shouldn't have been able to produce offspring!"

How is Aquaman going to defeat The Shaggy Man?! Is he going to have to research every single thing the Justice League has ever done to it so as not to waste time attacking it in that manner? Or will he just get a bunch of comedians together by offering a job to punch up a script and then have them brainstorm ways to hilariously defeat an unbeatable foe? I bet The Shaggy Man has never slipped on a banana peel before! Or been told who is on first! Cream pie to the face? What if Aquaman forges an out of date Shaggy Man warranty card and then shows it to him? Also, there's probably a whole line of ACME products that nobody has tried.

No wonder Aquaman rarely uses his fish talking powers anymore! He's still traumatized by what Swamp Thing did to the dugongs he recruited to stop him!

Instead of helping Arthur, Mera is stuck answering an old lady's questions. Apparently it's more important to establish Mera's fitness to be queen than to help save the city or Amnesty Bay from The Shaggy Man. What an apt metaphor for traditions! They simply slow down progress and positive change to appease the older generations!

Murk tries to convince Aquaman that he can't defeat The Shaggy Man without the help of the Justice League, especially since he won't summon any innocent fish to assist him. But Aquaman has a plan! It's a crazy plan but it just might work! You always have to say a plan just might work so the audience knows it's risky and exciting instead of realizing that whatever it is, no matter how lame, it'll work because that's a pretty standard comic book contrivance. The hero must win eventually! Except in the rare cases where the hero doesn't win. But they eventually do win! You just can't ever stop reading in the middle of the story.

What is Aquaman's plan, you're wondering? Oh, let me tell you! But first, remember when I said this in my Aquaman #7 review: "The Justice League Identity Card is also a key to use the Watchtower Teleport System. That’s probably an important plot point that readers should remember for later." Well, it's time to remember that plot point! Which is why I wondered if you remembered the time I reminded you to later remember that plot point! Because Aquaman takes out his stupid Justice League Blockbuster Card which was such a stupid idea that I knew it had to be important later, and he activates the Justice League Watchtower Teleportation System!

Sure, at the time, I predicted maybe Manta might steal it. But I still knew something so stupidly obvious was going to be important!

The Shaggy Man (along with Aquaman's Justice League Identity Card!) is teleported into space where I'm sure he'll eventually meet up with Brainiac. Until then, the world is saved! By Aquaman's CostCo Discount Club Card!

The Ranking!
+0! I wonder how much Batman is going to charge Aquaman to replace his Justice League Identity Card?

Aquaman #8

Dammit! I forgot to photoshop a long, stringy fish poop coming out of Aquaman's butt!

The Commentary!
This issue begins strangely enough that I had to put it down for a few seconds. Thankfully taking that momentary respite helped me clear my head and I quickly realized what was happening. See, the first page of this issue has a woman with a drop cloth on her head and huge baggy sleeves standing in front of an upside down tower called the Tower of Widowhood. Her outfit is bizarre! The drop cloth on her head with the pull ropes probably serves some function but the huge, baggy sleeves? How do those function underwater? Shouldn't they be floating all around her face and getting in the way? Oh! They're probably weighted, right? I bet a lot of Atlantean clothing is weighted in the hems. Otherwise everybody in a dress would be walking around like Marilyn Monroe in that movie where you almost get to see her vagina!

I was thinking about starting a line of motivational YOLO posters. They would all have a black border around a picture with big white block letters in the lower band of black that read YOLO. The images on the first two posters would be the picture of Marilyn Monroe found dead in her bed and the picture of James Dean's crashed car. I'm not sure how they would be motivational but then I can't be responsible for every little thing! I'm the idea person! I need somebody else to deal with the spin, the angry reaction, the fallout, and procuring the papers for my eventual change of identity!

Before headphones and reading books were invented, this was a woman's go-to universal sign for "Leave me alone."

Oh! Before I got sidetracked, I was going to point out how I realized this first page was the beginning of the ritual to determine if Mera's vagina is good enough for the King's Penis. How could it not be?! Mera manipulates water! Imagine what she could do to a man's prostate with her super powers!

So Mera has to attend a secret meeting of elderly Atlantean widows to prove her worth. I bet there aren't any rituals at all! I bet they just go into the Tower of Widowhood, where men aren't allowed, and just talk shit about all the patriarchal fuckery that takes place in the kingdom. The Widows will probably serve tea and biscuits and tell Mera if she ever has an issue with Arthur, she can go to them and they'll create trouble for the king. Not young people trouble like vandalism and violence. Old people trouble like crashing their giant seahorses into the front window of convenience stores and "accidentally" urinating in public, preferably around the King's Palace. Eventually a widow close to the King, probably some kind of adviser or seer, will point out that all of his troubles began when he refused to let Mera do something, or treated her poorly, or wasn't satisfying her needs. Then he'll change his behavior and suddenly all of the old women will revert back to being decent, continent citizens.

Meanwhile, some rough beast stomps toward Atlantis to remind people that it was once born.

Aquaman tries communicating with the monstrosity using his fish talking super powers for the first time in many, many months. The creature punches him in the face. I think either Aquaman is out of practice and said something rude, or the beast is from Krypton and is just saying hello.

The monster takes damage from the Atlantean's laser guns but only the first time. After that, it's immune to them. Then it gets stabbed by Aquaman's trident but just once before it's immune to it. Oh! Oh! I know what this disgusting brown sludge covered in seaweed is! It must be Doomsday's poo!

While Aquaman is being killed, Mera is failing her Royal Wifely Duty Classes.

The real test is whether or not Mera finds saving her husband's life more important than some stodgy old traditions. My guess is she rushes out to save Aquaman and forfeits the marriage. That way, DC Comics has a plot driven reason for keeping the two unwed. And neither one will care because they'll be all, "We really love each other and we don't have to prove that to anybody!" Too bad. I wanted Mera to have an army of widows at her command.

After all of the mud and seaweed are knocked off the monster attacking Atlantis, Aquaman realizes it's The Shaggy Man. Yep. That's one of Amazo's robots! I think. It has all the same properties as Doomsday but it doesn't need to die after every injury to overcome the method of attack. Come to think of it, The Shaggy Man may as well have killed Superman! That probably would have made a better story than some unknown alien from space who just looks cool and has an apocalyptic name.

I bet The Shaggy Man has never been defeated by a giant hand of water stroking him off after which he'd fall into a deep sleep, right? Or is that how they captured him last time? Maybe Mera can do that prostate thing I mentioned earlier?

The Shaggy Man is headed for Amnesty Bay and Atlantis just happens to be in its path. So while Aquaman was just sort of casually concerned before that it might destroy Atlantis, he's suddenly terrified when he learns it might destroy the town where his dog is living! I bet Arthur defeats it by impaling it on his lighthouse. That's not a euphemism. Unless it got you excited reading it. Then I guess it's an inadvertent euphemism and you can jerk to it if you want.

The Ranking!
+0! I think with this biweekly schedule, every so often a writer just has to present a story that's mostly a fist fight with no real plot progression. That's going to get old quick, especially when they all take place about the same time as seems to be happening the last few weeks.

Aquaman #7

When is the last time Aquaman spoke to fish? Has DC Comics told writers to move away from that because too many people were making too many fish fucking jokes?

The Commentary!
• This issue begins by introducing (or re-introducing. What am I? An Aquaman historian? I'd rather be Cullen Bunn's masturbation sock) a bunch of Atlantean politicians or bureaucrats as they request meetings with Aquaman. For some reason, they're bothering Mera with these requests and not Aquaman's royal aide. I highly doubt that's an effective use of the fiance of the king's time.

• For some reason, Jurok Byss, Keeper of the Monsters, has a Cockney accent. How does that happen in Atlantis? Is he like Aquaman? Born on land and only recently returned to the sea? What are the chances a Cockney accent developed in Atlantis as well as in Britain? Do they also have rhyming slang?! I wonder if there's a sea creature that rhymes with barn owl?

• Instead of meeting with the jerks who want to use up all of his free time, Aquaman decides to show Mera his Justice League Identity Card. Are those really necessary? This was Lex Luthor's idea, wasn't it? And I bet Batman was all, "Oh, hey! That's a great idea! Maybe we should also have a Justice League VIP Area for members worth billions of dollars!" Then he and Lex fist bumped and bro chest banged and said the secret rich man phrase which is...oh no! I'm not going to spill the beans. I've spilled enough beans in my life. Although if somebody wants to send me the secret rich man phrase in a private message, I'll send it back to you and we can be best friends!

• The Justice League Identity Card is also a key to use the Watchtower Teleport System. That's probably an important plot point that readers should remember for later. I bet somemanta steals it later!

• After getting the pertinent plot point foreshadowing out of the way, Aquaman decides to do some kingly business and meet with people of lesser stature so he can put them in their places.

Ha ha! Get out of here, you racist! Come back after you've tried being a Werewolf for a week!

• Aquaman eschews the bureaucratic nonsense in order to speak with Murk. I hope I used eschew right! If it's a sex word, I apologize to my younger readers for destroying their innocence! If it's not, I apologize to everybody else for using it incorrectly!

• Murk has returned from the scene of the Pontchartrain sinking where he discovered a whole bunch of clues as to who sank it!

Oh come on! If surface dwellers wanted it to look like Atlanteans did this, they would have "deliberately placed" helmets that weren't fitted with scuba gear! So it's obvious that rogue Atlanteans deliberately placed these modified helmets to make it look like surface dwellers were trying to make it look like Atlanteans were behind the attack! Duh!

• Unless of course that means...no, you know what? There's no reason to go spiraling into crazy logic time. In this case, it's obvious that the obvious is too obvious to be that obvious! In conclusion, it was definitely Atlanteans who attacked the ship! Unless Dan Abnett just assumed readers of Aquaman comics are complete morons. Then maybe I should take this scene at face value and believe that the attackers who planted material to make people think one thing fucked up and planted material that would reveal it was a total con job.

• Meanwhile in Venice, Black Manta lets the other members of N.E.M.O. know that he's now The Fisher King and he'll be their leader, no matter how fucking ridiculous he looks in that stupid helmet and skin tight body suit. Some people don't like the idea and Manta kills them. He should have also declared, while stabbing them in their revolting (double meaning!) faces that N.E.M.O. now stands for "Never Eschew Manta's Orders!" I guess then it would be N.E.M.O!, right?

• Aquaman, using the clues he got from Murk, decides to ask a Deluge prisoner if the Deluge were behind the attack. See?! He came to the same conclusion I came to! That it must have been disgruntled Atlanteans who staged the attack! Which is worrying because it means I'm thinking like Aquaman! Now I'm worried I might stick my dick in a fish tank.

• The Deluge prisoner is all, "I may be a murderer and a killer and a racist, but I'm not a liar!" Then he calls Aquaman a half-breed which is a lot like Republican Talking Heads calling Obama a thug. Actually, it's not quite as bad because we all know that thug is now the acceptable way to say nigger. Or at least racists think they're talking in code when they say thug. It's like stoners who still think 420 is a clever way to identify themselves as boring assholes.

• Rath, the Deluge prisoner, says everything he does is in the name of Atlantis. He refuses to follow the orders of a "half-breed" king because, I guess, he feels it weakens Atlantis. But then he's happy to hear that somebody is using the name of the Deluge to try to start a war between the surface world and Atlantis. Wouldn't that be harmful to Atlantis? If he's pro-Atlantis and not just anti-Aquaman, why would he want a war that could bring so much death and destruction to his precious city? The only reason he wants a war is so that the Deluge can blame Obamaman for doing a poor job. He and the Deluge don't give a shit for Atlantis. Some patriot!

• Rath eventually admits he would help stop a war that might hurt Atlantis but he doesn't know anything. He does admit to Aquaman that he doesn't like him because he doesn't value the traditions of Atlantis. I can see that point being that Aquaman is from the surface world. He might be half-Atlantean, but he certainly doesn't know much about Atlantean traditions. He should probably make a concerted effort to immerse himself in the lore and traditions of Atlantis before simply shrugging them all aside and declaring they're stupid because he has no connection to them. He really hasn't tried to fit in, has he?

• As you can tell from my use of the word "Obamaman", you can tell that this interaction between Rath and Arthur is heavily influenced by the way some conservatives seem to have a ready criticism for anything Obama does, especially the talking heads who make a shit ton of money from this viewpoint who then convince their audience of the same things. But in this case, Rath does have a point. He makes it poorly by calling Arthur a half-breed since that points out that possibly the only reason the Deluge hate him is because of his parentage. But the bigger point obfuscated by the racial hatred is that Aquaman doesn't really know much about the traditions of Atlantis and he doesn't seem to have much time for learning about them. He spends most of his time on the surface world with the Justice League. Arthur could make a lot of headway by showing that he's trying to fit in with their traditions. It looks like he might soon insist on Mera going through the ceremonial ritual of proving she's a worthy Xebel. Even though that seems pretty racist and misogynist. Maybe he could start with something less icky.

• Mera actually decides she wants to go through the rituals. That probably makes it less icky. Plus, I mean, when has Mera ever been defeated by anything? I just hope one of the challenges isn't the Challenge of the Clitoridectomy! Judging by Mera's casual attitude to the potential rituals, I have a feeling they might not be far off from my disgusting joke.

• N.E.M.O. is behind the attack on the Portwhatever. Why did the battleship have to have such a foreign name?! I can hardly spell "foreign"! How am I supposed to spell that other thing?! America should really stick to more American sounding battleship names. Like the USS Hotdog or the USS Loveless Marriage or the USS Dirty Sanchez. To keep Arthur from discovering their organization, Black Manta has decided to unleash a distraction! He's either going to question Aquaman's birth certificate or unleash one of Professor Ivo's robots on Atlantis.

• Aquaman continues his investigation using informants and resources he's gathered over his short New 52 career. He reaches out to Reagan and Arni, FBI Agents who are total fangenders of his. They have information about the underground world of ocean scavenging that might help lead him to whoever destroyed that battleship with the complicated French name. He's all, "This is Aquaman! I need you!" And Reagan is all, "It's true! He can cause floods!"

• N.E.M.O. unleashes some gigantic, monstrous underwater Incredible Sea-Thing. Remember that part about me not being an Aquaman scholar?! I don't know what this thing is! But apparently it used to live in Atlantis before it was buried for its own good. And by "its own good," I actually mean the good of everybody else, probably. So I don't know why I said the first thing. I should try to write more clearly.

The Ranking!
+1! Aquaman is a stupid hero but Dan Abnett is doing a good job telling the story of a stupid hero. So I don't mind reading this!

Aquaman #6

Mera is the most powerful hero in this fight because even Kryptonians get dehydrated.

The Facts!
• Aquaman and Mera have gone nuts and decided to defeat America single-handed. Or is that double-handed since there are two of them? How did I already get distracted by a digression in just the second sentence?

• It's not that Aquaman and Mera wanted to defeat the United States. It's just that the United States government didn't give them much choice. Everybody knows that if the federal government says, "You're under arrest," it's your duty as a responsible citizen to respond, "No, you're under arrest!" Then you scream about fascism and oppression as you're put in a choke-hold and wrestled to the ground. Except Mera and Aquaman were too strong to be wrestled to the ground by the entire Marine Corps. So the president got on the phone and called in Superman to rough up Aquaman and teach him a thing or two about the scam known as "resisting arrest".

• Anybody who has ever been arrested and their only charge was "resisting arrest" should be able to sue their law enforcement agency who arrested them. If I'm charged with resisting arrest, I'd better fucking be charged with something else which would be the arrest I was resisting. There's no fucking way anybody should ever be brought in simply for "resisting arrest." How about a little honesty, Law Enforcement Dickheads? Just call it what it actually is. "Arrested Because the Officer Felt Disrespected For the Slightest of Reasons."

• Superman tells Aquaman that "whatever this is, it's got to end, right here and now." Who died and made you...oh yeah! New 52 Superman died! But never mind that! Why does Superman think he's the arbiter of what can and can't happen? What if Eclipso had been all, "Whoa whoa whoa! You can't explode The Eradicator on the moon! You'll ruin the environment for my Moon Cows!" I'm sure Superman wouldn't have appreciated that since Superman didn't start the fight. Shouldn't Superman be directing his speech to the Marines? Shouldn't he be telling them that whatever this is, it ends now? They're the aggressors! Aquaman was just an innocent king trying to go home when America was all, "Just a second, sonny!" Superman does know that the person winning the fight isn't always the person responsible for the fight, right?

Holy shit. I agree with Aquaman.

• Superman responds by saying, "Oh yeah? You don't think I know what's going on? I'm Superman, bitch! I know this shit is about to escalate into World War Bore! That's what I call a land versus sea battle because who cares! What I'm trying to say here, Arthur, is that I'm talking to you because you're the only reasonable person in this conflict! The U.S. Government is already chanting 'Remember the Pontchartrain! Remember the Pontchartrain!" which, to be honest, is a pretty shitty chant. They really should give their battleships names that flow better and don't sound so foreign when used in a chant to get people's patriotic blood boiling. And I'm not talking to Mera because, frankly, she scares the kryptonite out of me. So fucking listen to me and knock this shit off before this escalation escalates!"

• And then Superman does something that Superman will live to regret until the day everybody stops laughing about how Aquaman laid him out in one punch: he puts his hand on Aquaman. When I turn the page, I hope Arthur lays out Clark in one punch or else my previous statement will be faulty.

Whew! Still a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sometimes I worry I'm losing it!

• I didn't know Atlanteans were so flexible! Aquaman would be great at Butt-Boob Showcases!

• Aquaman's frustration at being the laughingstock of the Justice League comes out and he begins beating the shit out of Superman. This is like that time I finally rose up against the brutal regime of my sister when she switched the television from MTV showing Lionel Richie's video of "Hello"! Sometimes enough is more than fucking enough!

• Superman suddenly wants to show that the members of the Justice League don't believe they're above the law by helping detain Aquaman via the quite suspect Patriot Act. That's funny, Superman. I don't seem to recall you interfering with Batman while he constantly breaks the law in Gotham City with his vigilante justice. I'm starting to see who's getting their dick sucked in the oval office this term. And who's doing the super sucking.

• Tula and the Atlantean army arrive to help rescue their king. But they don't attack immediately because they're not Americans. I mean violent animals. Was that redundant? Superman mostly decides that Atlantis not attacking might be good enough for now. But he still decides to be a dick about it.

Or else what?! Fuck off, Superman! This is why Lawful Good people suck. Because they're just as prone to commit violence as a Chaotic Evil person. It's just they feel justified by their righteousness.

• Meanwhile, Black Manta kills The Fisherman and takes over NEMO. So I guess NEMO is no longer interested in world conquest. It's Aquaman killing time!

• Aquaman swims back to Atlantis while the United States sits and fumes. Now they're probably pissed at Superman too! How dare he stand in the way of America when they're spending billions of dollars and risking thousands of lives to get revenge over what amounts to a negligible slight in the glint in the eye of history! How is America supposed to feel catharsis if they can't throw a huge tantrum which results in the death of hundreds of thousands of people?! It's not fair, Superman! It's just not fair!

• Apparently Aquaman now has to fix relations with America or else!

My Super Secret Opinions!
I wish Superman and Aquaman would just fuck already.

Ranking: +1!

Aquaman #5

At first I thought the soldiers were named after various whiskies but then I saw "Eltaeb" and I thought, "Oh! These must be soldiers who graduated from the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley!"

The Review!
In this issue, Aquaman and Mera prove to the United States government that they shouldn't go to war with Atlantis. Two Atlanteans (well, one and a Xenian or whatever) basically dismantle the entire marine corps during their escape from the detention cell where Arthur was being held for resisting arrest or terrorism or looking at the president side-eyed. Events have completely spiraled out of control to a point well past my usual limits of credulity (even for a comic book!). But for some reason, I don't really mind. Aquaman is finding out how America tends to go crazy when too many people say the word terrorism. And Atlantis isn't really known for their patience or reluctance to mobilize for war. So every event is doubling down on the initial misunderstanding and it all stemmed from Black Manta's attack on the Atlantean Embassy. He must be pretty damn proud! What I'm trying to say is Dan Abnett's telling an enjoyable Aquaman story that could maybe use less troops attacking Aquaman and less Mera going directly to the belief that her marriage is over before it begun. This isn't about your future nuptials, Mera! This is an international incident!

The Commentary!
Sometimes when I complain about a comic book, I complain about the writer's decisions. And other times, I complain as if the character were making stupid mistakes and completely ignore the writer's involvement. I like myself best when I'm pretending to be unaware of the artists behind the art. I like to get so wrapped up in a comic book that I scream at Aquaman when he does something stupid (almost always) rather than let Aquaman off the hook and blame the writer behind his actions. Plus I probably shouldn't be so mean to people just trying to earn a living when they're obviously struggling so hard to be competent at their work. I'm not naming any specific Cullen Bunns here! I mean names! This revelation is more about me anyway. I should be a kinder person! It's okay to mock Aquaman as much as I like (which is really, really, really, really a lot!) but I probably shouldn't enjoy mocking the struggling artists giving about 30% of their all to entertain the masses. Seriously though! Why should I expect them to give 100%?! I can hardly ever muster 100% even for things I'm enthusiastic about!

Last issue, Aquaman was trying to solve problems by diplomacy. But his main problem with solving this problem diplomatically is that he's trying to use diplomacy with the United States of America. Their entire playbook for diplomacy involves making power plays. The number one rule when America goes into a diplomatic situation is to make sure the other person knows who is in charge! Aquaman was playing by their rules for the most part, allowing them to prove they're in charge by locking him up so they can exhibit the only other part of their diplomatic plan: control! First you show people who is in charge! Then you control the entire situation and shit all over the word compromise! It might not make you the most likeable or seemingly intelligent country on the block but it definitely lines your pockets with the lunch money of all those other nerd countries.

Aquaman was playing the part like a great king does. He bent over at all the right times and he spread his ass cheeks at just the right time and he made sure to keep saying America's name in pleasurable moans. The American government was confused by his willingness to submit because that screws up most of their power play. When they bump against some Atlantean squirt at the bar, they hope the Atlantean squirt will say something like "Excuse me!" or "Oh, sorry I was standing here!" that will give America a reason to bust their chops. Hell, even just looking annoyed that America bumped them and caused them to spill their drink is reason enough to invade the fuck out somebody. So when Aquaman just kept taking it without giving America a reason to get violent, they weren't sure what to do next. Luckily they had a plan! Bump into Mera!

Mera, of course, is no Aquaman. She does not bend over. She does not spread her ass cheeks. What she does do is immediately being buckling the strap on because she's about to do some good old fashion pegging on America! She immediately flips the fuck out and breaks Aquaman out of prison. America breathes a sigh of relief because they know how to handle this kind of terrorist uprising! They send the entire military to meet Aquaman and Mera as they try to escape the detention center to kill the fuck out Aquaman and Mera. Yay America. Yay. Ya...oh god. I'm so sorry, the rest of the world! I'm so fucking sorry! Most of us can't apologize enough for the twats running the show and their obsequious lackeys coming in their pants at the thought of dropping bombs or long, protracted invasions.

Mera is strapped on and ready to teach the Marines a new tactic.

Mera throws a tank at a helicopter and half the marines shit themselves. But Aquaman makes sure to save everybody who should be dead due to Mera's wrath. Luckily for the marines, he believes in non-violent solutions. Or, at least, non-lethal solutions! It's not like he's going to try to stop Mera from punching every single one of them in their stupid faces. I mean, he eventually drags her away but he seems to take his time.

It would be nice to imagine this as a fictional, hyperbolic attitude of the government of the United States, wouldn't it?

I realize I'm being too hard on these fictional government entities (and by extension, the non-fictional ones) when the Chief of Staff points out that Aquaman is the least important member of the Justice League and just the fish guy. This guy is actually all right and I'm beginning to see his point that Aquaman needs to be killed.

Although I think I'm being way too lenient on the marines! Who are these guys who just unthinkingly follow orders?! Man, it must be such a sweet life! You never have to worry about your own ethics or desires! You never have to worry about being responsible for anything (until somebody higher up needs a patsy, of course!). You can just sit back, shoot whomever you're told to shoot, and collect that sweet, sweet government paycheck! And now you don't even need to worry so much about horrible civilian attitudes coming back from war like in the Vietnam days! People are wearing shirts that say shit like "Home of the Free Because of the Brave" and think of every soldier as a hero and sing songs like "Freedom isn't free!" And nobody ever argues how those attitudes are harmful because you can't have a thoughtful conversation about patriotism and imperialism and warmongering without coming off as unsympathetic of the plight of the soldier in this day and age. I will say this though about that stupid fucking t-shirt I mentioned: if you think America is free due to our overseas violence, you're probably a moron.

On minor disagreement and Mera goes straight to the wedding being off!

I realize calling people who believe something other than I do a moron isn't ever helpful. But sometimes a person just becomes exhausted with everybody who thinks they're smart or hold well-considered opinions but they just aren't and they just don't. And anything I say will just produce the exact result from the other side, where I'm called a moron because I might think that doing nothing after 9/11 would have been better for the world than demanding more blood from any country we could paint as the source of the problem. Just looking at it from the American side alone and ignoring any casualties from other countries, we would have had far less American deaths from 9/11 had we reacted less violently. Rushing out and murdering other people because some of us were murdered is gangland tactics. Protecting citizens from another catastrophe like this? That's what governments are supposed to do.

I've said enough! This is about that fish guy and not about pissing off my dumb-dumb conservative readership!

Meanwhile in Atlantis, Tula, the current regent while Arthur is above water, decides de-escalation is what is called for in this trying time! But then she gets a report that the United States military is trying to kill their King and his fiance and Tula decides maybe de-de-escalation is the better way to go!

I think this situation is properly fubared. Which is probably why the president calls in Superman to handle the situation. Although, judging from Superman's past, this encounter isn't exactly going to break out in an intelligent conversation.

Aquaman #4

Poseidon loves to cup a good ball sack.

The Review!
So Dan Abnett is writing a decent Aquaman comic book. It's even better than decent if you can stomach reading about Aquaman and even better than better than decent if you love international diplomacy stories! And if you enjoy the corpses of American servicemen being eaten by sharks, well have I got a fucking cherry on top for you! Seriously though. I don't think I made fun of Aquaman once during this commentary! I mean, I probably did. But I didn't thoroughly enjoy it like I usually do. I was probably thinking, "Why am I being so mean when Aquaman is just trying to do the right thing?" No wait. I was thinking, "I hope Aquaman spanks Mera's naked bottom next issue for being so naughty!"

The Commentary!
Every day I think, "This is the day I'm going to sit down and really take a good whack at the comic book stack! I can get on a roll and write five or six reviews, maybe read a few old New Titans, call Deathstroke 'Douchéstork' a few times, and answer one or two asks as sarcastically as possible!" Then I sit down, check Twitter, get annoyed by the morons I know on Facebook, sigh, and go play the Xbox for six hours. Partially that's because I had a stressful work week. Owning your own business sometimes comes with having to do work things during times not allocated for work! I know. It's fucking ridiculous. You'd think that by owning your own business, you could just goof around all day telling other people to get to work. I suppose I need more employees than just me for that to happen though. But then, who wants to work with other people? They're all fucking ridiculous!

On the plus side, I got to meet Old Man Roger on Wednesday. He retired from the floor cleaning supplies retail business twenty years ago. He sold me a used floor buffer for three hundred dollars which is far less than I thought I was going to have to pay when my old one broke down on Sunday night. He also tried to sell me a scrubber, another buffer, a broom, his garage, and I think his granddaughter. If I had known he had so many things and people to sell, I would have made some room in the work van before driving out to where he lived at Bumfuck Farms. I will say one of those things he offered me really made my dick hard. But for $1700, I just couldn't justify buying another floor scrubber.

Last issue, Aquaman was arrested by the US Government for being a boring idiot. Mera tried to get him to argue but he was all, "Shh, Mera. You know they're right." He then went quietly to jail. I'm surprised he didn't keep yelling, "Diplomatic immunity!" Maybe that doesn't work anymore now that anybody can be held for any reason, as long as a white person thinks they're a terrorist.

Maybe if you tightened up your material. I mean, seriously, a turbot? Nobody is laughing at the mention of a turbot. Maybe if it were a sight gag, sure! But you're just confusing land dwellers with the word.

Aquaman wants the relationship between Atlantis and the United States of America to work out so badly that he makes a huge mistake. He allows the government to detain him without any proper procedure at all! A battleship is sunk by people who are probably of the Atlantean race and it's automatically an act of war and a reason to detain the leader of the foreign power? We all see how ridiculous that is, right? I mean, it makes for a good story in that it allows Aquaman to play the stoic, righteous man trying to retain his dignity in the face of incompetence and paranoia! But it's still stupid.

Mera gets on her shell phone (I stole that joke from a ceramic mermaid in a toilet paper commercial! Unless the commercial is for an Audi or cat food. I'm terrible at remembering the brands attached to advertisements!) to call Atlantis and bitch about how the US is fucking Aquaman. I was going to say she's on the phone "bitching," but I realized that's totally...oh wait! I did say "bitch". Never mind.

Tula is on the other end of the shell trying to calm Mera down. You know Tula! It's Aquagirl! Her Rebirth outfit is yellow and green because Aquaman must have ordered her to look more ridiculous than he does. Tula is currently regent of Atlantis which means she's in charge but people totally roll their eyes when she gives a command. So many magistrates and officials under her are making jerk-off hand motions whenever she gives an order that they've created a tsunami that will probably wipe out the Canary Islands. That could probably be an apocalyptic coal mine joke if you wanted it to be.

Tula is having trouble with the people of Atlantis because they're demanding Tula do something about Aquaman's captivity. How do they know about it already?! These things need to be handled discreetly, Tula! No wonder you'll never be more than a regent! While discussing the situation with Mera, Tula says, about being on land, "I remember cotton candy, the best thing ever." Dan Abnett included that because it's the kind of stupid cute shit the young people like. "Oh my god! Tula loves cotton candy! It's totally canon! I'm screaming!" I'm just saddened by the thought because she can never enjoy cotton candy under the sea.

Murk and the Drift investigate the scene of the sunken American battleship. It's pretty cool because there are dead soldiers everywhere and sharks swimming around eating their dicks. That was a reference to a previous commentary. Try to keep up! I do that sometimes because I only ever read the things I write. You won't get any tired Biblical allegories out of me! No way! It's all self-referential masturbatory bullshit up in here!

While Murk is investigating, he waits around too long because that adds to the drama.

It would be a boring comic book if Murk and the Drift hadn't been sighted by the military!

Murk engages in combat with the military while saying incriminating things like, "We are discovered!" and "Americans can suck my nuts!" He really isn't a very good diplomat. Although who hasn't yelled "Americans can suck my nuts!" one or two times in their life? Per week, I mean.

Meanwhile, Black Manta is flying around in a NEMO airplane called an Albatross. It's called that because that's a sea bird and it glides for long stretches of time without having to land. That's the totality of my knowledge of albatrosses unless you want me to start singing Iron Maiden. Black Manta learns that NEMO stands for "Nautical Enforcement of Macrocosmic Order" which is stupid because all comic book acronyms are ultimately stupid. That's because they're made up after the fact. You want an organization that revolves around conquest of the oceans? How about NEMO! You want an organization that has eyes everywhere? ARGUS! You want an organization the you're too stupid to think up words to fit the acronym? NOWHERE! You want an organization that both hides in the shadows and casts its shadow across the world? SHADE! You want an organization for a science and research lab that's actually a pretty fucking good one and not surprising DC has used it for so long? STAR Labs!

Black Jack lets Black Manta know that she isn't appropriating the term "black" at all because she's probably got some African ancestors five or six generations back. She also lets him know that NEMO has been controlling the oceans since 1983. So Pre-crisis! I think she also almost reveals that their leader is Ocean Master. She calls him the Fisher King so it's either him or Jesus. Or maybe a third person I haven't thought of yet. Like maybe Fisherman? I could see why they might want to update his super villain name to Fisher King! I mean, Fisherman? Somebody pulled a paycheck thinking up that one?

Back at the White House, some high-minded official decides to threaten to arrest Mera which is exactly the wrong move if you want things to go peacefully but totally the right move if this is a comic book. And it is a comic book, so good writing, Dan Abnett! More drama is about to ensue as Mera breaks Arthur out of his holding cell just as he's about to talk his way out diplomatically. Oh Mera! You're such a red-headed female! I mean, you're passionate! I don't know why I said those other stereotypical things. I just meant she's a total individual and she could have been meek or passionate even with red hair but she wound up being passionate!

See? Like I said! Passionate!

Aquaman and Mera break out of the holding facility to find themselves surrounded by a good percentage of the United States military. Well, it was a good attempt, Mera. It's just that usually when people attempt something and fail, it doesn't wind up starting a war.

Aquaman #3

Who the hell is this? Black Womanta?!

The Review!
Black Manta is still relevant to this story which is a shame. I liked how it ended between him and Aquaman in Issue #2. I thought Dan Abnett was just getting the Black Manta shit out of the way and putting it up in the attic until somebody with a serious lack of imagination began writing this comic book. But I think Black Manta either became part of the B Plot, or N.E.M.O. is working with the Deluge to fuck up Atlantis's relationship with the surface world. It's probably all part of the same attack to discredit Aquaman and to have more conservative thinking Atlanteans take control of Atlantis. They'll close the borders and probably start destroying every ship sailing on every ocean. At least if that happens, Aquaman will no longer be a laughingstock. He'll simply be hated and despised by everybody! I think that's a step up, right?

The Commentary!
Aquaman finally dealt with Black Manta in a way that eventually won't fucking matter anyway because they're mortal enemies! Right now, Black Manta may have calmed down because Aquaman showed himself to be the bigger man. But eventually, he's going to sit and stew in his resentment and anger until his head is ready to explode! Then he'll put on his stupid fucking helmet and get back on his Aquaman killing hobbyhorse. It might actually happen even sooner because Black Manta never made it to prison last issue. Plus he's on the cover this issue. Unless that's Black Womanta on the cover. I can't tell and I guess it's really none of my business anyway! It's not like I'm trying to fuck him! Or her!

This issue is called "Capitol Crimes" which is completely confusing. Is it a pun that I don't understand? Perhaps Black Manta is going to attack Congress? I assume the enemy of this story will still be Black Manta because I saw the cover and because this is Part Three of "The Drowning". I don't think embassies are included in the definition of a capitol building, are they? If so, that would totally make sense and everybody is probably calling me a piece of shit dumbass right now! Also they might be calling me that because I'm just too stupid to understand why this story is called "Capitol Crimes"! Maybe it'll make sense when I read it!

Currently Commander Murk and the other Atlanteans have been locked out of Spindrift Station. I guess their diplomatic immunity doesn't allow them access to sites of terrorist attacks, even if that site is officially Atlantean territory.

You know what I'm realizing? I probably shouldn't have skipped every day in Civics in 12th Grade except for the day my teacher showed Soylent Green!

I dare any one of these soldiers to snicker at Aquaman now! I mean, they have good reason! Look at that stupid orange and green suit! Did he get fashion advice from a Clown Fish?!

Mera feels the same way about Aquaman's outfit. You can tell because she called her Aquawoman costume "humiliating". But even after telling her fiance that he looks foolish, she still expects him to fuck her! Who does she think she is? Some gorgeous mermaid who can probably manipulate the water molecules in the prostate to make a man come like he's never come before? Oh, right! That is who she is!

Aquaman plans on taking a trip to Washington, DC, with Mera so they can get their embassy back online. But the woman who kidnapped Black Manta has other plans! I bet one of those plans is revealing that her name is Black Womanta!

Black Jack?! So not clever!

Black Jack wants Black Manta to work for N.E.M.O. It must stand for Now Employing Murderers Only! Or maybe something about underwater work. Black Jack wants to hire Black Manta to kick ass. During the interview, she even lets him kill two of her current employees. That's poor negotiating tactics because now she just needs him more! Black Jack mentions that Black Manta is wasting his life and he's all, "Dammit! That's what Aquaman said too!" Then he pouts and considers working for N.E.M.O. The only thing he knows so far is that they hate Atlantis, their name is an acronym without any meaning, and Black Jack isn't the boss. I hope it isn't The Scavenger! He's a worse Aquaman villain than Aquaman is a hero!

In Washington, Aquaman finds everybody takes him seriously. That's a new one! I suppose everybody knows he's a king and you don't fuck around when a king comes to visit even if he has a reputation for porking dolphins. Plus Mera is with him and she's almost a queen and everybody loves a visit from a queen! But the government doesn't really feel like getting the embassy back up and running. So Aquaman mentions the Justice League. He makes it seem like he's giving a reference but I think it's an understated threat!

During the meeting, The Deluge attacks an American battleship. And since American foreign diplomacy amounts to "some jerk from a country attacked the US so that means all the people from that country must be jerks," Aquaman and Mera are accused of being complicit in the attack. So they arrest him while Mera gets ready to tear everybody apart by their inner water molecules. Aquaman tells her to relax because he's serious about keeping up good relations with the US, no matter how shitty the US treats him or his people.

I'd rather things went Mera's way!

Aquaman #2

I think I almost want to kiss Aquaman here.

The Review!
My first thought with Aquaman's first Rebirth story was that it was once again going to be more of the same with that idiot Black Manta. Kill, kill, murder, murder, kill, vengeance, murder. But what Dan Abnett takes the reader's expectation of what a Black Manta story is and turns it on its stupid, oval, big red eyed head. It's probably that I really wound up enjoying this story because it paralleled all of my feelings on the character of Black Manta. He has defined himself through vengeance which is never a good thing because what is there after that's done? It's not like he was also taking courses to be a structural engineer on his downtime. Although he somehow has access to great technology, so maybe engineering and electronics was his back-up plan? Aquaman once went through an intense and boring and really poorly written therapy session in a four issue mini-series in the eighties where he got a new costume printed with blue wavy lines. Now it's time for Black Manta's therapy session. I'm not sure Aquaman is qualified to give counseling but it seems to work out anyway. And since he says a lot of the stuff to Black Manta that I've been saying, I have to admit he's pretty good at! A surprisingly good read considering Aquaman's name is on the cover and it's yet another fucking Black Manta out to get even story!

The Commentary!
Black Manta and Aquaman have the most intimate relationship of any two characters in DC's universe. You don't kill somebody's father without feeling forever connected to that person, especially when that person also killed your father. It's like a pretzel of patricide. I wonder if Pretzel of Patricide is a position in the Kama Sutra?

Aquaman has moved on with his life because he killed Black Manta's dad after Black Manta killed Aquaman's dad. So Aquaman was all, "Case closed!" He then slapped his hands together, rubbed them for a bit, and then walked off imagining the closing credits. But he should have stuck around because their was a scene after the credits of Black Manta shaking his fist and screaming, "AAAAAAQQQQUUUUUUAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAANNNNN!" So now it's time for Aquaman 2: The Constant and Perpetual Return of Black Manta!

Last issue ended with Mera being harpooned in the chest, Spindrift Station being flooded, and Aquaman about to be murdered by Black Manta. Except that Black Manta's plan isn't to kill Aquaman, so that probably wasn't as tense a cliffhanger as it could have been. Black Manta wants to make Aquaman a laughingstock. Wait. Isn't Aquaman already a laughingstock?

This issue begins by reminding everybody that Black Manta's story of vengeance was once also the story of Arthur's vengeance. But once Arthur got vengeance, he moved on. He dropped Manta's dad's lifeless corpse to the deck of the ship and was all, "Well, we're all done here! Everything's square! Even Stephen! You agree, right?" But instead of Black Manta thinking, "Arthur killed my dad because I killed his dad! So now I need to kill his dad which I already did! So...oh! I get it! I should probably move on now, maybe get some therapy or something," Black Manta thought, "Arthur killed my dad for no reason! Ew! I'm going to kill his fiance! And maybe pee in his face!"

Black Manta has also decided to blow up the Atlantean Embassy.

He sure planted a lot of bombs in a little time!

With the building exploding around him and a harpoon sticking through his shoulder, Aquaman decides it's time to have a therapeutic talk with Manta.

Aquaman: "Have you ever considered this anger toward me has more to do with unresolved issues surrounding the relationship with your father?!"
Black Manta: "Of course I have unresolved issues about that! They might be resolvable if you hadn't killed him!"
Aquaman: "Oh yeah! But, um, this is stupid! You killed somebody I loved! I killed somebody you loved! It's like a mathematical equation! It's balanced on both sides of the murder!"
Black Manta: "I'll murder your face!"

I should hope so! That's a pretty huge mistake! "Ugh! If I knew you were going to be so angry and keep trying to kill me, I never would have done it!"

That revelation by Aquaman made me laugh out loud! I don't think that's the reaction Abnett was going for!

Black Manta responds to Aquaman's statement by saying, "Too late for remorse." Really, Manta? You took that as a try at showing remorse? It was so obviously just an expression of irritation with the consequences of killing your dad! Aquaman doesn't feel bad at all! He got his vengeance and now part of that is keeping you from getting yours!

On the next page, Aquaman assures Black Manta that he has no remorse for killing Manta's dad. What kind of therapy is this, Aquaman?! Piss Manta off until he has a breakthrough and falls crying into your arms?

I hope somebody called Amanda Waller during the fight.

After quite a bit of fighting and talking, Aquaman has Black Manta at the end of his trident. He points out that he can kill Black Manta to end the cycle and it would absolutely save lives. But Black Manta is all, "You kill me and you lose! Everybody sees you're a murderer! I win! If you don't kill me, I will eventually kill you! I win! I win all the ways!" Aquaman lowers his trident and begins to pout instead of pointing out that if he kills Black Manta, he will be able to rewrite history and spin the story to his advantage! Without Black Manta to dissent (because he's dead!), Aquaman can just tell the press that Manta was a maniac who killed Arthur's father and, for some reason, continued to harass and attack him. It's not anybody would ever know the truth since nobody knows Black Manta's identity! And they won't ever know it after Aquaman calls a few Great Whites in to devour all traces of him.

Instead, Aquaman hands Black Manta his trident and says all the things that I've been screaming at Black Manta for years!

Get your own damn life and motivations, you moron! Stop letting your father's death define you!

Black Manta finally has his breakthrough and collapses crying! Holy shit! Aquaman's therapy works! Aquaman apologizes for killing Black Manta's father and the scene ends. I imagine Aquaman is also going to have to apologize for having called Amanda Waller and sending Manta back to Belle Reve.

On his way to Belle Reve, Black Manta is freed by some woman with idiotic headgear with a leather fetish.

Aquaman #1

I would read this comic book! Too bad this comic book won't be this comic book, you know?

The Review!
Black Manta returns! I don't know why I used an exclamation point on that previous sentence. I'm bored of Black Manta and his incessant need for vengeance. Get over it already! Stop letting your father's death at the hands of Aquaman define you! Find motivation outside of your need for revenge! Get a new costume because that helmet and the way it makes your neck look extra long totally creep me out. I enjoyed the first half of this comic book that was setting up what could be an entertaining and continuous B Story of life inside Spindrift Station. But the second half was all, "Whoops! Spindrift Station is being destroyed! No more sitcom located within an embassy full of land dwellers and sea dwellers having hilarious cultural misunderstandings! Oh, and the goofy comedy relief reporter? He's actually dead in a trunk. Ha ha!" That's what I get for insisting the last few issues of New 52 Aquaman were too boring with all of the talking and more talking about stuff that didn't matter. Now when the talking is entertaining me, it's blown up for the sake of Black Manta drama! I hate that guy!

The Commentary!
I didn't realize until just now which is two weeks after reading it that Aquaman Rebirth #1 wasn't even about Aquaman. It wasn't setting up Aquaman's new status quo at all. It was that jerk Black Manta's story! It was about setting up his plans and goals (which aren't very nice, by the way). I don't want to read Aquaman stories that are really Black Manta stories! I don't even want to read Aquaman stories! What was even worse was Black Manta's plan to get even with Aquaman was to kill Mera who has nothing to do with the beef between Manta and Aquaman. If Black Manta was trying to garner enough sympathy over the whole Aquaman killed his dad thing so that maybe Black Manta can get his own Deathstroke-type comic book, he's going about it the wrong way! He should not be driven by simple vengeance. He should be an eco-terrorist who believes Aquaman's policies and dealings with the surface world will bring ruin to the oceans and thus the world! He should be a critique of tree-huggers because nobody likes tree-huggers anyway! I mean, some people do but then they've never actually sat down and had brunch with one. Eco-blah, eco-blah, eco-blah! Give it a rest! We get it! We're making the Earth unlivable! Well, you're making my pancakes inedible!

The issue begins with Mera and Arthur sharing some coffee in the morning.

I'm glad Mera didn't have time to put on pants before going outside!

The new artist really loves to draw hair! I bet he hates drawing Black Manta!

Black Manta is probably happy Mera forgot her pants too because he's voyeuring them up right now! He really means business. Who gets up this early to assassinate somebody?

Oh no! I hope Black Manta doesn't kill Aquadog! If Black Manta kills Aquadog, I will stop reading this comic book. Seriously. If Rebirth becomes all about killing people's pets, I might have to break up with it. It's okay if he kills Garth or Tula though. I've never been comfortable with the Aquakids.

The action moves to Spindrift Station, Atanta's embassy on the East Coast of the United States. I almost asked if any kind of action ever takes place at an embassy and then I remember Lethal Weapon II. Oh! And Benghazi! And Beirut! And Saigon! And Tehran! And Beirut! And...well, I can't think of all of the others because there have been so many attacks on US embassies. So it's a good thing I didn't ask about action at embassies! It's like other people don't want US Embassies in their countries! Is it the decor?

Entering Spindrift Station for the first time are Daily Planet reporter Ray Delane and British Navy Lieutenant Joanna Stubbs. I guess they're going to be the supporting cast of this situation comedy. Land dwellers dealing with fish people! Wacky! How many times will Ray Delane put his foot in his mouth? Ordering fish sticks at the commissary! Oh, you rascal!

Stubbs almost has sex with Sark, one of the king's guard, before Aquaman shows up to say a words. I hope the first thing he explains is how he doesn't actually speak with fish and that land-dwellers are idiots to think so. Instead of saying anything useful, Aquaman sends everybody to eat appetizers. Ray Delane gets sick eating sea slugs and wanders out of sight to throw up. Or to plant bombs.

Darn! I thought Ray Delane was going to be the comedic relief! Black Manta isn't anywhere near as funny.

Where did Black Manta get that kind of technology? I don't mean the technology to look like a completely different person! I mean the technology to shove sea slugs into his mask so that it looked like he was eating them as Ray Delaney?

Black Manta sets off some bombs and kills a bunch of people. Oh man. The Republicans are going to investigate the shit out of Aquaman on this debacle! I hope Aquaman doesn't have a private email server or has never received oral sex from Vulko.

Mera gets harpooned in the chest while trying to keep Spindrift Station from flooding. Did that passive sentence make it sound like Mera is at fault for getting harpooned? I didn't mean it that way! I just figured everybody knows who was doing the harpooning so it gave me some leeway with my sentence structure!

Aquaman isn't as devastated as Black Manta thought he would be but he's exactly as extra angry as I warned the fictional comic book character Black Manta he would be.

Well, you did murder his father (technically. Does technically count in murder?)! And he did stop! Actually he didn't stop. He went and murdered your father because you murdered his. Hmm. Carry on!

I think if Black Manta and Aquaman just had some couples counseling, they might be able to work through this issue. It's not like either one of them meant to kill the other one's father! Arthur was just trying to kill Black Manta! That's got to count for something. It's better than Black Manta trying to kill Mera because Aquaman killed Black Manta's dad. That's a total dick move which is why Black Manta is wrong. If Manta were just trying to kill Aquaman, I'd be okay with that!

Black Manta's goal isn't just to kill Aquaman. He also wants the surface world to hate and fear him. So it's a good thing Black Manta is acting like a terrorist and killing innocent people and destroying an embassy and attempting to assassinate a king to boot! Everybody will be totally willing to see his side of things now!

Aquaman Rebirth #1

No matter how many Rebirths Aquaman has to suffer through, he'll never be cool.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing Aquaman must be difficult! Whenever I try to write a story focusing on a character without any personality whatsoever, I usually wind up getting a call from my publisher saying, "This is unpublishable dreck. As usual." I think the "as usual" is a bit harsh and unneeded! But she usually continues with something like, "Make me interested in the lead character! Give me something to care about! Maybe write more than three double-spaced pages with large font." And yet DC somehow manages to keep selling Aquaman comic books! Maybe I should see if DC would like to publish some of my stories? Or maybe my publisher will identify with my main character if I remind the reader that the character is stoic! Let me try!

Stoically, Pete the Vampire Hunter thought, "Hmm, that is a werewolf. I hunt vampires! I guess I'll go home and stoically have some popcorn." Stoically, Pete, the stoic person, walked off as the werewolf mauled the children at the playground.

Wow! That's so much better! I'm going to send my publisher a query about Pete the Vampire Hunter immediately! I wonder if I should make a note that this Pete is not the same Pete from A Really Scary Story? Or maybe it is! This can be the sequel! A Really Scary Story Two! Or should I be extra cool and call it A Really Scary Story Too? Hopefully that wouldn't confuse Tumblr User discardvibes two much! Ha ha! That "two" was a joke and not me being stupid!

The issue begins by trying to impress the reader by claiming that Aquaman is the king of 97% of the global biosomething or other! Yeah, but it's all fish! Not that there's anything wrong with fish. But it's not like there's anything in the ocean as cute as a kitten or a raccoon! Maybe a baby dolphin with a pink ribbon on its head. But how many of those can there be? Even after I dropped all those pink ribbons into the Pacific, I doubt more than one of them came to rest on the head of a baby dolphin! No, Aquaman doesn't rule over anything cute. He rules over fish and feces-filled water! Big deal! Although if he can talk to dolphins and whales and get them to do whatever he wants, what's stopping him from commanding a kitten that has fallen off of a boat? They're all mammals! Why can he talk to some mammals as well as fish? Maybe that's not a super power! Maybe he just knows the language of dolphins and whales and manatees and asks them politely to help him. But fish he's got to be all, "Do the thing I want! DO IT! You stupid imbecile! Do it already!" Because fish have small brains! I know that because my publisher often calls me "a fish-brained moron."

I wonder if I should find a new publisher?

Mera has put on her old uniform while she plays the Penny-One to Aquaman's watery Batman. They're going after a group of oceanic terrorists who call themselves The Deluge.

Why does Aquaman think fish can help stop a typhoon or a seaquake? And why is he calling a boatload of refugees "migrants"? How insulting! I think. I mean, I want it to be insulting so I can act like I'm angry at Aquaman. Although it's his narrator that said those things! Wait a second. A narrator?! What kind of crap are you trying to pull, Rebirth?!

The Deluge want to blow up an East Coast city but Aquaman doesn't want an East Coast city blown up. He's recently made the cover of Time magazine and now he just wants his dessert. Although I don't know why he made the cover along with Superman and Wonder Woman. I guess Batman was busy. Or dead.

Next we get to the part of the Retcon or Rebirth or New Direction where the writer tells the reader explicitly to stop thinking Aquaman is a joke.

The Narrator sounds like they're trying to convince themselves!

I already countered the argument the Narrator is making here way back in my review of Aquaman #15! Here, I'll remind you of it by making you read it:

The main group of people that refuse to make fun of Aquaman are those solidly in the Us (comic book readers) versus Them (socially active people) camp. They want to prove that people that make fun of Aquaman are ignorant of his actual powers and abilities. But this stand isn’t about Aquaman at all. It’s about one upping those other jerks that think they’re so cool drinking alcoholic beverages and kissing women on the mouth. Defending Aquaman is never about Aquaman. Let’s face it. We all know he’s the worst Justice League member ever. Defending Aquaman is about making oneself look more knowledgeable than those that would demean Aquaman. It’s about feeling superior. “You make fun of Aquaman because you just don’t get him. *snrt*”

I assure you all: I get him! But I will stand by my right to make fun of him! It’s in the fucking constitution, people! Also, I want to fit in with those people drinking and kissing! “Aquaman fucks fish, amirite?” Now somebody fetch me a drink and kiss me on the mouth already!

You know what else is the problem? Nobody has an obligation to write Aquaman as if the people of the DC Universe are the same kinds of assholes as the people of the comic book reading universe! The populace of the DCU doesn't have to believe Aquaman is a joke! You can make them believe he's a hero! If you don't want people laughing at him, don't write people laughing at him. And if you don't think the readers will accept that then you're already admitting defeat! You want Aquaman to be heroic and respected in the Rebirth Universe? Then don't acknowledge that he's a laughingstock! Just try to ignore that fact! Think of it this way. I have been reading New 52 Superman for five years and screaming, "Why does everybody hate him? Why are you writing a universe where everybody hates and mistrusts him?!" For five years and you ignored me that entire time! So why don't you do the same thing with all of the Aquaman haters? Let them scream into the void that Aquaman is a joke and he's not heroic and he's the stupidest member of the Justice League and not much thought went into creating him and he has no personality and he has sex with fish and his comic book never sells great no matter how long DC makes his hair or how hooky DC makes his hand! Just ignore them and pretend that Aquaman isn't a stupid joke!

I mean, I don't really care. I think it's funny that you've decided to kowtow to the Aquaman haters and acknowledge, within the DC Universe, that people make fun of him constantly. It's kind of a dick editorial move but whatever!

The point of all of this narration is to make sure the reader understands Aquaman. It's all, "He's stoic and exciting! Like a lighthouse! I mean, sure, a lighthouse is only exciting for the one, singular climb to the top and then you're all, 'That's it? Okay. I get it. That's a lighthouse. Never need to read another issue of that!'" And like a lighthouse, Aquaman makes sure boats don't wind up on land and cars don't wind up in the ocean! He's a true hero of both the land and the sea. But like a lighthouse, nobody likes him! They're all, "Well, I can see the point of it. But does it really need to shine that light all night? Annoying! Might as well hang some heavy duty wind-chimes off the side and piss everybody off!"

Yeah, but, come on! The dolphins and whales must talk to him, right?

The Narrator winds up being Black Manta so I guess I'm done being surprised about a narrator appearing in a comic book. I mean a third-person, omniscient narrator and not a character narrating the story to an imagined audience. I mean, the audience is made up of me and the other readers! But Black Manta doesn't know that! There's no reason he should be narrating this story if he's not explicating it to anybody! Anyway, Black Manta wants to kill Mera to make Aquaman feel bad and then he'll kill Aquaman after that. It's one of those dumb plans villains always rely on. Killing Mera will just make the Women in Refrigerators set mad! Oh, also it'll make Aquaman mad! And a mad Aquaman won't be as easy to kill. Plus, Black Manta, don't you think it's just time to call it even? You killed Arthur's dad; he killed your dad. Can't you just call the whole thing off?