Batman #43

Catwoman #43 was on top of Batman #43 in my comic book stack and now I'm super turned on.

After that initial caption, you might be wondering why I'm reading a comic book instead of masturbating. You also might be wondering why I'm reading Batman before Catwoman if Catwoman was on top. Well, it's because I wanted to read Batman. You also might not be wondering anything at all except whether this was a good comic book and you're waiting for me to tell you if you should like it or not. You also might be wondering how many typos I'll make this time since my commentary on Batman #42 was riddled with them. Holy shit. I thank everybody reading for not jumping all over me and my incompetence!

Bruce Wayne continues to live the life he never could before by working at the children's center in the narrows and engaging in a romantic relationship with a woman named Madison (MADISON!). He should probably thank The Joker for allowing him to have a real life. I suppose he'll get back to being Batman when Madison winds up dumping his ass because he's emotionally withdrawn and constantly asks her to wear clown make-up in the bedroom. But until Madison comes to her senses and/or winds up next to the lettuce in the crisper, Bruce refuses to participate in the Robo-Batman Project. Gordon stops by to see him and ask for help but Bruce is all, "What?! Why are you coming to me? How did you connect me to The Batman? I'm totally not that guy! I'm just trying to live a broke-ass life! Leave me alone!" But Jim Gordon is all, "Wink! Wink! Okay, Bruce! Wink, wink! I'll leave you alone! Wink, wink! But here's some evidence from a new villain in town, just in case you feel like helping save the city. Wink, wink! Do you get why I'm winking, Bruce?!"

Outside the community center where Jim is hassling Bruce, Alfred and Clark Kent sit in a car discussing what happened to Bruce.

I knew it! Batman is the second coming of Christ!

Alfred explains to Clark how Bruce was dead but the dionesium brought him back to life. But it changed him. It took away the Batman and left only Bruce. So Alfred had to help Bruce remember his life again. Didn't this already happen? Wasn't there a story about Bruce losing his memory and needing to be reminded about his parents' death and how he became an obsessive monster? And in it he was told about the death of his parents but he had no emotional connection to them so it didn't really mean anything? Wasn't that a story and why can't I remember what it was from?

Alfred tells Bruce everything right up until becoming Batman when Bruce stops him and asks, "Are you trying to seduce me, old man?" Then thirty-three year old Bruce leaves for two days but rises again on the third to tell Alfred that he understands they once had a relationship and parents and lots of money but that he doesn't feel connected to any of it anymore. And that's when Julie Madison stops by to give Bruce a couple of jobs (helping kids, and hand, not necessarily in that order).

Superman hears Alfred's story and says, "Alfred, if you won't ruin Bruce Wayne's new chance at a happy life, I will! Because if you haven't heard lately, I'm a total idiot and dick in my own comic book. It super sucks and I'm glad you invited me to be in a good comic book for awhile but I plan on ruining this one too because everybody loves Batman so fucking much! Why don't they love me that much, hunh?! Can you answer me that?!" But Alfred pulls out Bruce's kryptonite cockring and says, "Tsk tsk. I wouldn't do that if I were your ass." Alfred points out that the Dionesium healed Bruce so completely that it healed the trauma which created Batman. Everything Bruce learned to be The Batman is gone. Although I'm sure that one instant of trauma will bring him back! So who's going to do it to save the city? Who's going to shoot Julie Madison in the face right in front of Bruce's eyes, hunh? Will it be Clark? Alfred? Damian?!

Alfred shows Clark the final Bat-Invention which proves that Batman was an insane monster. It's a machine that, if ever finished and perfected, would grow a twenty-seven year old human from Bruce Wayne's DNA and fill the new clone with all of Bruce's memories so that it would willingly become the next Batman. It's the fetus of the Eternal Batman story seen in earlier stories. I guess somebody is going to have to perfect the memory part of it and trick Bruce into sitting in it if nobody has the guts to murder Julie Madison.

It's all kind of sweet. But I'm sure Alfred will eventually realize he's acting selfishly and he'll have to give his boy back to the city.

But that's enough with old Batman. Now that everybody knows what happened and what will eventually need to happen to set everything back to normal, we can just sit back and follow the adventures of Commissioner Batman until he completely fucks it all up.

Commissioner Batman has currently left the Honey Bunny Bat Armor behind because he's doing some stealthy investigative work. He's infiltrated the lair of the Devil Pigs to find any information he can on Mr. Bloom, the flower faced monster. The mission is being run with Julia Perrywonth and without the knowledge of the Powers Company, so Commissioner Batman can't use any of the suit's tricks without alerting his corporate overlords. And that means it all gets to fall apart because nobody knows where these two are now. Well, Commissioner Batman winds up trapped in an industrial furnace being cooked to death while Julia is attacked by a Devil Pig while leaving the communications van to help Gordon. It looks like curtains for Commissioner Batman!

Elsewhere, Duke Thomas breaks into the Youth Center's files and steals the inactive Mr. Bloom seed Jim gave to Bruce to investigate. This looks like a job for We Are Robin! Duh duh dun dun duh duh dun!

And finally, The Penguin meets Mr. Bloom. The Penguin tries to kill Mr. Bloom. The Penguin learns that not all problems can be solved with a single bullet. The Penguin learns that he's not as important as he thought because The Riddler has had a nice long story in Batman and The Joker has had a nice long story in Batman and even Clayface has had a bit of a story in Batman. But all The Penguin gets is stabbed in the stomach by Mr. Bloom after only two pages of a guest appearance. Sorry, The Penguin! You're just not worthy of a story in the main Batman book. Sad penguin emoji. Winking Killer Whale emoji.

Batman #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. Snyder must have found a great deal at the cliffhanger store because this issue was jam packed with them! Oh god. I'm starting to sound like an actual reviewer! I came up with a stupid fucking tag about non-existent stores that sell things that are never actually for sale because I don't actually have anything intelligent to say about this comic book! Anything I say would be just pointing out the things Snyder already wrote much more eloquently and with less swears than I could ever write! Like the bit about the Dionesium healing The Batman out of Bruce Wayne's head because The Batman was created from scars and trauma and things that can be healed! And that bit about how Bruce's new life with no knowledge of The Batman is like a peaceful afterlife that Batman has earned for his long sacrifice! Or how Julie Madison has a flower tattoo on her arm that seems an awful lot like Mr. Bloom's flower print! Oh wait, that was something that Greg Capullo drew and not something Scott Snyder wrote. See? I can't even write better than Capullo draws! Jesus, I don't even know if I can write better than Rob Liefeld draws! I think my writing is more on par with Marat Mychaels' art! I'm going to go cry now. Um, read Batman! It's good!

Action Comics #36

Fucking Lego covers.

Regular readers might find this hard to believe, but I hate drama and confrontation. So much so that I just take these fucking Lego covers when my comic book store puts them in my box. I know I can trade them out for the regular cover (and I did for Batman #36), but most of the time I just rush in, make sure I have all my books, answer Peter the Store Owner's question of "What's new?" with "Nothing much" and scurry out as quickly as possible. Then I hate myself for hours afterward. Although coping with the hate allows me to eat a box of Oreos, so it isn't all bad!

Last issue, Lana Lang was in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] whining about how Superman saves the lives of everybody on Earth so much that they're all going to be dead because of it. Way to not do logic, Lana! I bet the zombies that were crawling out of the ground ignore you since there's nothing in your head to feast on!

Superman had just recently come back to town (and by "town," I mean "Earth" (and by "Earth," I mean "our solar system" (and by "our solar system," I mean "our galaxy" (and by "our galaxy," I mean The New 52 Universe (which I probably should have just said from the start))))) and has been checking in with his city and its people to see how they're all doing after Brainiac's attack.

That's the right attitude, Clark! Fuck them! They can do their own Goddamned labor!

Meanwhile, Greg Pak may as well have just spread his ass cheeks and placed his anal sphincter directly on my lips before ripping a huge fart because the whole zombie sequence from last issue was just a dream.

I bet it's called Tromboning when you eat out a guy's ass while giving him a reach around, right? Am I right on that one? This is just like when I invented a drink called the Gojira (or Godzilla as non-Nipponophiles would say) that was one-half Green Monster and one-half Sake. I figured that was too spot on a drink to not have been created already and I looked it up online to find it had been. Although it was called a Godzilla.

Give a girl a little warning, Steel, before you try to shove it up that hole.

This issue is called "Horrorville" so I suspect that John's penis isn't the only thing that's going to make Lana scream before it's over. Maybe the zombies will be real! The dream was a portent! Or did I mean important? It was an importent dream!

Well, Lana has Romero, Craven, Carpenter, and Coscarelli covered. Next will she see two little girls wanting to play with her forever and ever?

It seems Lana Lang is suffering some traumatic brain injury from Brainiac's attack that is causing her to hallucinate pieces of horror movies. We've got Romero's zombies, Craven's nightmares, Carpenter's fog, and Coscarelli's ubiquitous hearse (Coscarelli was the only name I couldn't remember and had to look up. I'm still working on my Grandmaster Horror Movie Watcher badge. I let it lapse for a long time!). Plus the issue was called "Horrorville"! Maybe she'll hear some "chu chu chu mah mah mah" next! Unless you make different noises when doing Jason's theme.

Lana and John follow the hearse to the Smallville Cemetary [sic again!] to discover that Lana's parents have escaped from their graves! That's good news, right? They're alive! Maybe alive in a weird kind of stinky, ravenous undeath...but they're alive!

The fog descends on everybody and even though they were all within five feet of each other (John, Lana, the Sheriff, and the woman driving the Hearse), they suddenly can't see or find anybody else! Whelp, that's what happens when you get covered in quickly descending fog in a horror movie. Also it's always full of dead people.

And sometimes things like this that love to shove its tentacles up the assholes of corpses and use them like puppets.

Superman flies in to punch the alien in the face and make it disappear.

Hey. I have a question. Does anybody in Metropolis wonder why Superman and Clark Kent returned at the same time with the exact same Goddamned beard? No? Nobody? Okay.

Superman finds himself trapped in the fog in Smallville. I guess next issue he'll have to begin looking for clues. The first clue he might find is how everybody in Smallville suddenly has Invasion of the Body Snatchers face.

Action Comics #36 Rating: It's nice to get some smaller stories, right? A break from all the unending cosmic continuity crossovers? I just wish Krypto was involved a bit more than Lana Lang. As far as rankings go, this comic is a standard, middle of the road affair. If you love Superman and if you really love Lana Lang, you probably really enjoy this book. Unless Lana Lang isn't being written correctly! Then you probably hate this book with a passion and wish Greg Pak would die in a gas station men's room bathroom stall. Whatever. I'm not here to tell you what to like! I'm just here to say Action Comics written by Greg Pak is better than some New 52 comic books and not as good as some other New 52 comic books. Go read it yourself! Don't take my word for it!