Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #2 (Third Week of December, 2017)

E!TACT! #2
Detective Comics, Justice League of America, Suicide Squad, Action Comics, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Batman Detective Comics #970
by Tynion IV, Bennett, Regla, Loerzer, Jaime, and Wright

I only included the "Batman" part of the title because it's right there on the cover even though Batman is hardly ever in this comic book anymore. Now, I don't mind Batman not being in Detective Comics. But if they're going to stick "Batman" right on the title, I sort of expect him to be a major player. In reality, they should replace "Batman" with "Tumblr's" because Tynion IV seems to be writing this comic book to a quite specific audience.

Following that statement, I feel I need to add this paragraph that doesn't actually need to exist. But people have forgotten that they don't need to exist in a constant state of defensiveness (like the one I'm in right now which is causing me to write this paragraph to defend against the people in a constant state of defensiveness (it's like our current ability to engage in any kind of social dialogue has become a monstrous Ouroboros)). But being that we're all constantly feeling attacked, I can understand that a simple statement of observed reality (such as "Tynion IV is writing to a Tumblr audience") can be construed as judgment. Believe me, I'm not judging the book on its content. By all means, let Detective Comics be about the younger generation trying to fix the older generation's mistakes while uplifting minority viewpoints and calling out bullshit like authoritarianism and ableist memes extant within Batman (and other comic book) tropes. But please, at the very least, make it fucking interesting! It just seems like Tynion IV is incapable of that last bit.

This comic book is simply boring. I suppose if you can't get enough of the Tim Drake/Stephanie Cluemeister drama, you've probably rubbed this comic book against your genitals a half dozen times since it came out. But for those of us who want a compelling story that doesn't rely on the old mainstay of "Batman is bad and everybody thinks so" crutches, it's disappointing. If you want moving and entertaining stories that include all that "Tumblr audience" stuff that everybody probably believes I'm rebelling against because I wrote that line that caused me to write that other paragraph and they're never going to believe the other paragraph over their initial reaction to that one line, tune in to Brooklyn 99 or watch Master of None on Netflix. The writers of those shows are giving us a glimpse into the future. Whenever people complain of a piece of pop culture pandering to a certain audience, it's usually because they're having a difficult time dealing with the transitional phase between "shows with all white and/or male concerns" and "shows that take all perspectives into account." And that response is only amplified when the writing is terrible (or even mediocre. Like in Detective Comics). But the writers of Brooklyn 99 and Master of None (and I'm sure many other shows that I either haven't seen or aren't thinking about right now) develop shows that seem to exist in the post-transitional realm. These are shows that exemplify how stories can exist in a realm where all kinds of people exist. And they do it naturally because that world is just fucking natural (at least to the people living in the bubbles which aren't actually the anomaly bubbles but the bubbles of exemplary social conditions). I'm certain stodgy people who often find themselves saying things like "I'm not [insert difference]-ist!" probably couldn't sit through those shows either. But fucking hell what I wouldn't give for James Tynion IV to write something even half as good as those shows. I might be up for his Detective Comics at that point.

As a final aside (because I mentioned Brooklyn 99), I wanted to mention how I've been rewatching Deadwood and there's that part where Wild Bill is helping Bullock and Star build their shop when two guys stop by to talk to Bill. As I was watching the first guy critique Wild Bill's acting ability, I yelled out, "It's Hitchcock!" I'm so happy that Hitchcock lived in Deadwood and that he didn't seem too far off from his modern version.

As for the story itself, I suppose I could try to push my way past my own boredom to see what Tynion is trying to do. He seems to be examining the problems of Batman as an authoritarian forcing his own beliefs upon not only the social system he feels somehow responsible for but for the "family" he's taken under his wing as well. He is, literally, the Patriarch and Tynion's stories so far have been to expose his weaknesses and failings. Just because he's a white male of the previous generation, it doesn't mean he knows everything and it doesn't make everything he does okay. As a white male of the current generation, Tim Drake is struggling not to fall into the same patterns of patriarchal abuse of the system. He wants to do things differently but he's been failing because his need to control everything mirrors Batman's way exactly. But it isn't just Batman's authoritarian technique that's the main problem.

Enter Anarky. Here, we have another white male who knows best how things should be. It's the complete opposite of the way Batman wants to control Gotham but it's still just another white guy telling everybody how they should live their lives. Caught between these two men (Red Robin and Anarky) is Steph. Not only is she struggling with these two men telling her how she should be, she's also living under the shadow of her supervillain father. She has tried to find her own sense of agency by rebelling against her dad's ways (as we saw in the interminable Batman Eternal) only to later lose that agency in her relationship with Tim (who is so smart, how can he not constantly tell her what to do?!). Rebelling against Batman and the others when Tim seems to have died, she manages to find herself in Anarky's clutches. Eventually Steph will realize that these men never fucking listen to her and she'll figure out her own thing. Maybe. It's hard to hope that it will happen because she's been lost for so long.

The B Story between Cassie and Clayface is more compelling but it's hard to get emotionally invested when Cassie is reduced to speaking in her pidgin language.

The C Story about Kate dealing with her father and Batman I mostly already discussed in that part about Steph, Red Robin, and Anarky. Just replace all the proper nouns.

As for the Victim Syndicate and the city turning on Batman (can I call it "turning on Batman" when they always seem to hate him all the time now anyway?), I'd rather not write about it because I'll hurt my neck falling asleep at the keyboard.

Justice League of America #20

By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-fi

I haven't mentioned this in quite some time but did y'all know Lobo was in this book? He's right on the cover this issue so I can't imagine anybody passed it by on the shelves. The most typical reaction was probably "HOLY FUCK! A COMIC BOOK WITH LOBO?! I JUST RUINED MY UNDERWEAR IN A SEX WAY, THE SPECIFIC WAY BEING DEPENDENT ON THE GENITALIA INSIDE MY PANTS! EITHER WAY, I'M NOW ALL GOOEY! I THINK. WOMEN GOO TOO, RIGHT?! I HAVE TOO HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOMAN!" That might not have been the most typical reaction unless you're also a closeted virgin who shouts crazy shit in the middle of your comic book shop.

This issue ends another story arc about a villain attacking a super group directly instead of the super group stopping a super villain from doing harm. I suppose Prometheus's plan was to turn everybody against the Justice League of America. And, I suppose as well, attacking a super group and endangering regular people during the attack is a good way to enact that plan. But Prometheus fucks up because this Justice League of America, from the beginning, has stated that they're the Everyperson's Justice League (at least Every Person from America, I guess)! So the civilians don't buy it (even though it seemed like they were buying it last issue) and they help the Justice League to save the day. Because ordinary people are strong as hell!

The story concludes with Lobo exposing Killer Frost's murder of a Null soldier in the last story arc. Instead of everybody going, "Wait. Why are we judging Frost when the person who got us to judge Frost is a well known genocider?! Why are we letting him off the hook?! I guess until he murders his first person while being part of the team, everything is peachy?", they go, "Oh no! Killer Frost! You've completely messed up your life and it's probably our fault for trusting you!" Killer Frost responds by saying, "No, no. It's my fault. Don't everybody get all up in my face with hugs and compassion. I'll take responsibility for my actions and ruin my life to prove that I'm remorseful." And then the JLA goes, "Whew. I can't wait until she's gone so I can stop feeling bad about myself."

The epilogue begins another story about a villain whose only plan is to attack a superhero (this time, it's The Ray's turn). Remember when villains didn't want to come into conflict with heroes?! I mean, I think there was a day like that. It's hard to say when people like The Riddler were constantly leaving clues so that Batman would eventually find him and punch him near to death. That's a fucking weird fetish, Riddler. But, you know, at least The Riddler wasn't just walking up to the Batcave, ringing the doorbell and calling Batman a cunt to his face when he answered. Like all these other villains do these days.

Suicide Squad #31

by Williams, Bagenda, Leisten, and Lucas

Ha ha ha! Hoo boy. That's some hilarious Narration Boxing from Harley Quinn. I don't think anybody has really died in the Squad since New 52 Suicide Squad #18 when Yo Yo was killed. Unless it was when Light was killed? I mean Lime. No wait. That was definitely earlier. Anyway, the people who have died in this comic book recently haven't really. Captain Boomerang. Reverse Flash. Even Rick Flag is simply in the Phantom Zone! I suppose it's good that Harley was the team member to have this thought because she's crazy. She might actually think there's been an extra person on each mission who has died.

Rick Flag Senior Senior dies this issue. I mean, he shouldn't die since he's in The Phantom Zone where time doesn't work. But he dies anyway. Maybe because he's simply in the foyer of The Phantom Zone? Anyway, his death doesn't matter because who the fuck cares about the Suicide Squad from two or three generations ago?! The only one that matters is the one from one or two generations ago! Shit, this one I'm reading now barely matters more than the original one I've never cared about.

Next issue, the Suicide Squad have to run down Karin who is driving a space station into the sun. So I guess the mission isn't an emergency or anything. It'll take her a few months to get there. And I'm sure the Squad has a faster ship than a fucking ginormous space station. Although does size matter in space? Since there's no atmospheric friction, does something being bigger help it to accelerate faster? I never claimed to be a scientist! Or smart even!

Action Comics #993

by Jurgens, Prado, and Hi-fi

Last issue, Dan Jurgens found a way to, once again, bring Booster Gold back into the DC Universe. How much extra money does Dan Jurgens get whenever Booster Gold appears in a comic book? Do "Created by" credits come with a monetary reward?

Last issue, Superman used The Flash's Cosmic Treadmill to go back in time so he could observe Krypton's destruction. I guess the Cosmic Treadmill also allows the user to travel through space? Or did Superman do that separately? Did he account for the amount of time it would take him to fly from Earth to Krypton before running back in time? I only ask that question because we all know Superman isn't as smart as Batman. He might not even be as smart as Hawkman.

I actually feel bad for saying that. I can't believe I'm about to apologize to a fictional character. I'm sorry, Superman. Nobody is as dumb as Hawkman. Except maybe Green Arrow. Although that's only in a figurative sense. And since I'm now speaking figuratively, I should probably point out that Aquaman is pretty dumb too.

Booster Gold joins Superman on a Krypton from an Elseworld's book (or should I say Elsewhen book?! Ha ha! Time travel humor that I totally didn't steal from this issue's Booster Gold since I actually stole it from the one person in every time travel movie who has to say, in response to "Where are we?", "Don't you mean . . . when are we?!"). The main difference on this Krypton is that  Zod and Jor-el are the best of friends. Like super best friends. It's so different and weird! How do writers come up with this stuff?!

Things get crazy on Krypton before Booster Gold ends the comic book by dropping the shoe off the other foot: he reminds Superman that he's powerless on Krypton! Oh man! What a jaw dropping last line! What a crazy twist reveal! I most definitely was not ardently screaming at the comic book the entire time I was reading it about how Superman would be powerless on Krypton so why was he being so stupid going back there and also this whole thing has reminded me of Scott Lobdell's Superman time travel to Krypton barf party so I might be a little bit crazy right now and have forgotten how to put together an understandable sentence. What I'm saying is: what a twist!

Other Assorted Bullshit

I still have a few comics that I'll probably read but that's quite fucking enough already, right? I've already passed my total word count record from the first issue: 2465 words. Is that a lot of words? That's probably two thousand, four hundred, and fifty words past TL;DR.

Judging by my weekly schedule of doing the things I need to do to maintain my existence, this newsletter will most likely go out on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. So I've narrowed it down to less than half the possible days of the week!

If you have the inclination, I believe you can reply directly to these Newsletters and I'll get them. I'll respond to all replies that don't make me think "I don't have time for these stupid questions that I was told don't actually exist but they fucking do! They totally fucking exist! Just like monsters! And drunk fathers who abandon their children to the harsh verities of existence?! Why didn't anybody tell me the truth as a child?!" So join the conversation! And if you want to converse with other followers of this Newsletter, let me know if it's okay to publish your email and a name you'd like to be called that isn't "Fucking degenerate."

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #5

I don't know the name of this sex act but I've done it.

People often inquire about the scars all over my back and I begin my response with "I don't know the name of the sex act but..." and then go on to describe it.

I was just on a Wikipedia page listing a bunch of animals that have been known to engage in homosexual behavior to see if a shark would really fuck me in the ass. This gay animal was my favorite:

I wonder if this is an effective chat-up line at gay bars? "Guess who's got two thumbs and is full of old, less effective sperm?"

The issue begins with the Justice League saving the world according to Max Lord's instructions. Because that's what Eclipsos are known for: humanitarian acts! I guess it's just easier for Max Lord to mind-control other Eclipsos when he's the Master Eclipso. I just hope the world is saved before the sun shines on it!

In two minutes, The Flash can learn how to dismantle all types of weapons of mass destruction, discover their locations, and then actually dismantle them. But he's still constantly defeated by guys with cold guns and boomerangs.

At first I thought maybe Max Lord was serious about saving the world. Flash dismantles all weapons of mass destruction in the world. Sounds good. The Green Lanterns put up a protective bubble around Earth to keep out cosmic invaders and errant asteroids. But then Aquaman secures "our shores and borders." What is he securing all shores and borders from if Max is saving the world? A dolphin invasion? The image shows Aquaman blocking some ships with a bunch of whales which leads me to the conclusion that Max Lord is really just interested in saving the United States of America.

Wonder Woman takes all leaders hostage under the guise of protection while Cyborg hacks into all communication networks and begins streaming "Cyborg's Football Facts and White Noise Dance Party" twenty-four hours a day.

Oh, there you have it. From Max Lord's mouth to your eyes.

This might be the wrong day to be reading this comic book because Eclipso Max Lord seems like a hero in the context of the current inauguration.

I haven't needed to point this out in quite some time but maybe DC's colorists should do some research on the American Flag before coloring it. Or the editors should, I don't know, run a quick Google Image Search before okaying the American flag with a red stripe directly under the blue field of stars.

My brain just asked me this question so I thought I'd pass it on to you: When MRA-types get angry at a decision made by Starbucks, do they begin referring to it as Starcucks?

The entire Justice League hasn't been turned into Eclipsos. Max Lord missed Batman. Which means he missed the most important member! I wonder if Batman will get the privilege of beating Max Lord with a single punch at the end of this story or if that pleasure will go to Amanda?

Batman, Amanda, Deadshot, and currently headless Lobo are all trapped under rubble in Belle Reve. They have no idea that the United States is completely safe from all attacks that weren't threatening it anyway. Max Lord is a genius how he changed absolutely nothing! What a hero!

Superman stops by to rescue Amanda Waller. Instead of killing Batman, Superman just leaves him. That seems illogical! Right now, Superman is under the spell of Eclipso. He believes Max Lord has saved the world. Batman is currently the one threat capable of ruining Max Lord's peace! To ensure world peace, Superman should kill Batman. It's so obvious. But then, Superman has never been the smartest member of the Justice League.

And then Lobo's head grows back.

This is practically my comic book dream team! Just add Halo, Katana, and Black Lightning and we've got the greatest incarnation of Batman and the Outsiders ever!

Batman's plan had not only been to stop Lobo from killing them but also to remove Max Lord's mind-control over him. What better way than blowing off his head? Lobo totally agrees which is why Lobo is the greatest character of all time, no matter how much that statement makes me sound like an 80s heavy metal socially awkward white male! I mean, that's what I was when Lobo became the gold standard of bad-ass bad guys. I refuse to acknowledge the years when he was just used as a punching bag to show that other heroes were so smart or powerful that they could defeat the biggest non-crossover-event threat in the DC Universe! When he's written well, he's a lot of fun. When he's written by Cullen Bunn, I have to struggle not to kill myself.

Crawling out of the hole, Lobo, Batman, and Waller run into the rest of the Suicide Squad. They're struggling to contain Eclipso Cyborg. He must have gotten a virus while taking over the world's communications (which include pornographic websites, obviously) which slowed him down enough to be captured by Boomerang, Croc, Frost, and Harley Quinn. Normally he'd just knock them all unconscious with his White Noise Cannon since they all have ears. At least I think Killer Croc has ears. Oh, he must! That's why there's that phrase about crocodile ears.

Cyborg has managed to maintain a certain amount of control because he's half-machine. Max and the Black Diamond weren't able to control Cyborg completely. That probably means after this story is over, Cyborg is going to fall into another depression where he sits and wonders if he's really human at all.

Max Lord is beginning to fall under Eclipso's spell so Batman organizes a new Justice League to go after him. This new League is really just a Suicide Squad who aren't allowed to kill anybody. It features Lobo, Harley Quinn, Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Killer Frost, and Deadshot. See? Not really much difference from the usual Squad.

Max thinks he's created a peaceful world but in reality, people are running amok. Amanda decides it's time for that punching thing to happen. Or a good solid backhand, at least.

Everybody is becoming an Eclipso while Max is becoming The Eclipso. Still, I'd rather live in this DC Universe than the current real one.

Batman's Suicide Squad arrives just in time to see Max Lord turn into Eclipso. This incarnation, Eclipso makes sure the sun is covered in darkness so he can't be destroyed. The only way to defeat Eclipso is with the sun's energy so now I can think of only one last chance: Superman must piss on him!

What Did We Learn?
Who has time to learn anything?! Donald Trump is now president of the United States of America! I have to go find as many kittens as I can to hug and kiss!

The Ranking!
+1! Enjoyable!

Green Lanterns #9

The Phantom Ring logo looks like the Flying Nun.

The Ranking!
-2 Ranking! The last issue ended with some mysterious guy headed to Dearborn, Michigan to steal the Phantom Ring from the Green Lanterns. I mentioned how the person must be some boring nobody or else Sam Humphries would have revealed who it was to get readers excited about picking up the next issue. Well, guess what? The guy with the AK-47 on the hunt for the Phantom Ring is just a boring nobody! And this issue is his boring fucking story! He's an idiot named Frank who believed his entire adult life that one day he'd get a Green Lantern power ring. But it never happens. I mean, it almost happens, of course! Because that makes his super boring story more tragic and less boring (although it's still quite boring and possibly even more boring than that)! His story is so boring that it even steals a big heaping helping of Guy Gardner's life story! I mean, kind of, in that he was almost chosen to be a Green Lantern and then had to swallow the bitter resentment and anger that somebody else got the job. I didn't mean that he finally got a ring and then got fucked in a Power Battery accident that left him brain damaged and in a coma for years.

Speaking of Guy Gardner's brain damage, how dare people hate Guy Gardner for his attitude! He can't help it! He's suffered severe brain trauma! Shame on all the Guy Gardner haters! SHAME!

Anyway, this nobody nothing boring piece of shit, Frank, attracts the attention of Volthoom for some reason. I mean, why would Volthoom notice somebody as desperate and boring as Frank? The guy has been a nothing his entire life! A nobody! The whole point of the first eighteen pages is to let the reader know how boring Frank is! And also to remind the reader that Frank is the guy going after the Phantom Ring. Every few pages, I kept thinking, "What's going on? Who is this guy?" And then the next page would be all, "This is Frank! He's totally boring! But boy howdy does he want a Green Lantern ring!" Then I'd read a few more pages and think, "Wait. What's going on?" And so it goes until the end when Volthoom appears and tells Frank about a power ring that doesn't have to choose you!

Wait. Who is Volthoom talking to?

Green Lanterns #5

Can DC Comics please retire Atrocitus already?

The Review!
I'm not a fan of this comic book. It's all idea and no substance. The idea is to have two rookie Green Lanterns learn to overcome their flaws so they can save the world. Also they're quite different but they're also quite alike! And by learning to work together and lean on each other, they'll have the strength to be greater together than they ever could be alone! It would be nice though, being a comic book, if the pictures and words would work together. Maybe that's on purpose! The art and writing are like Jess and Si! They need to learn to integrate so that they can protect the world from unholy monsters like me! Now if I could just convince myself that that was the plan, maybe I could be happy about this series.

The Commentary!
Do comic book writers ever consider why they're bringing a specific villain into the series or are they just ticking the boxes on their run of a certain title? "I've got Aquaman so, of course, I'm going to need a Black Manta story. Just have him come int to try to kill Aquaman because, well, he hates him! Then maybe I'll do a Trouble is Brewing in Atlantis story about how people are disgruntled with a land dweller ruling them! I think I can drag that out about six issues because that's how long I'm supposed to make each story for corporate reasons that have nothing to do with the writing process. Then maybe I can bring back Ocean Master because his confidence will be up in the wake of the Atlantis trouble and because he hates Aquaman. After that, maybe there will be some conflict between the land and the sea because they mistrust each other. After that, I should probably do some environmental stuff because the king of the ocean needs to keep reminding people not to throw garbage in the ocean. Then if nobody is really paying attention because this is just another typical run of Aquaman, maybe I can sneak in my erotic story of forbidden love between Garth and a dolphin." That makes it feel like I'm picking on Dan Abnett when I'm really just picking on most writers in general. Aquaman is actually doing fine right now! But Green Lanterns? I don't know, man! I just don't know! Why are Atrocitus and the Red Lanterns the villains? Is it because we need to see Simon is angry at how he's been mistreated for being a Muslim American? Or how Jessica is angry because she never wanted to leave her apartment and now look: she's in space! Or did Sam Humphries just decide this was a good place to discuss how angry the entire world is?

I would like to point out that if you don't watch the news and you avoid Twitter and comment sections online, you would have no idea there was any anger in the world at all! Oh, you also probably shouldn't read my comic book reviews because I hate comic books so much! The only time I realize there are angry, impotent, frightened people in the world is when I destroy them in Call of Duty and they have to send me a message telling me how they don't approve of my style of play or my guessed at sexuality! I guess I'm not supposed to kill them over and over again? Or suck cocks?

If you're tired of reading comic books that make you do all the work, might I recommend Green Lanterns?

It does all the thinking for you!

Simon and Jess can even manage to talk to each other in their Narration Boxes while giving the readers a quick personality study. Simon is the tough car loving man-dude with a chip on his shoulder! Jessica is the anxious one who is also totally cute and into Pokémon but against Oxford commas! I'm not sure but I think Sam Humphries would have a difficult time tightening up their codified gender roles.

The Green Lanterns are trying to shut down Atrocitus's Hell Well but now Atrocitus is trying to shut them down. He's brought his crew of Red Lanterns to help out. Jessica, who mentioned how Simon has to face the prejudice of the world on a daily basis, proves that she's one of those assholes he has to deal with.

Yeesh! I'd hate to hear how she describes the rest of the Green Lantern Corps! She's not going to be welcome at the Annual Picnic on Mogo. Also, Zilius Zox should be dead. See Red Lanterns Annual #1.

Si and Jess decide that they should "just do it" which means punch things until they're all punched out. When that's the extent of the conflict, I feel like just taking a nap with the help of a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of sake. This is the level of comic book writing that is held as top notch? Why do people dream about working for one of the big two when this is the bullshit they think is entertaining? You know what the problem is! Well, I know but I swore I'd stop ranting about it because it's all I rant about. But I think I have a new take on it, so maybe I can rant a little bit in this paragraph! The problem is all of these first person Narration Boxes! Because now an big fist fight without any plans or twists or interesting aspects can be the big exciting action sequence because during the fist fight, the writer shoves in a bunch of Narration Boxes so that it seems like some thought is going into the battle. The protagonist can think, "My opponent is too strong to just go toe to toe with! So I've got to use my brains!" But the visual will simply be fists thrown back and forth. The fights have no personality anymore because all the work is going into the thoughts of the hero. And the thoughts don't need to have anything to do with the battle. As long as Jess says things like, "I've got to overcome my anxiety and learn to stand up as a Green Lantern!", readers are fooled into believing Jess is overcoming her anxiety! Why else would she say it if it isn't true?!

I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Just because Jess and Si's Narration Boxing moved straightaway to a double splash page action shot, it doesn't mean the fight won't be choreographed in an interesting way. It doesn't mean Jess or Si will think up a clever way to defeat the Red Lanterns. I don't know for sure that this fight will be no better than a couple of drunks beating each other down over a perceived slight.

During the battle, Dex-Starr is given the Rage Seed to plant at the bottom of the Hell Well.

It's the most adorable evil scheme I've ever seen!

I can easily turn around on this series if Sam would just write more scenes with Dex-Starr! I'm not that down on the book! I get what Sam is doing with the two halves of the whole character arc of Simon and Jessica. I just wish he would do it more how I want him to do it and less how he wants to do it! Am I supposed to be some kind of unbiased critic who can't mention the flaws simply because the flaws and what I don't like overlap?! Please! I'm just as human as the next person as long as the next person is often called an unemotional robot by the people who know her.

Oh! Guess what happens after the adorable Dex-Starr scene? Simon and Jess continue to throw punches while the Narration Boxes do all of the work! Although I'm not sure what kind of work they're trying to do. I think they're trying to do the same kind of work that the Grifter Narration Boxes were doing way back when.

You mean it's not in the top ten things people would associate with them? Because I'm pretty sure that's wrong!

If we were to do word association and you were to say "Red Lantern", I'd be all, "Anger! Rage! Vomit! Red! Lanterns!" But then if you said "Fourth of July," I would never in a million years answer with "Lemonade!" Is it a regional thing?

Jessica continues to spray green light at the Red Lanterns in images that mean nothing. How is the fight going? Is she winning? Losing? Who knows because, as I guessed earlier, the punching doesn't matter. It's all about her Narration Boxing. Instead of showing how she doubts herself and how she overcomes that in the fight, the reader is just told that she's feeling anxious and that she doubts her ability. But while she thinks that, she continues to blast Red Lanterns as well as any Green Lantern who can't make a gigantic green boxing glove (which is none of them, by the way).

Simon gets his page as well where he thinks about how he overcame nearly getting his brother-in-law killed which means he can overcome this brawl. But then he also has to take a moment to have some Emerald Sight which is possibly even worse than the incessant Narration Boxing. Now he gets to see a glimpse of the future which means nothing. He sees the Justice League being angry and Atrocitus saying, "Red Dawn is coming." Who the fuck cares?! Why is this a thing? Is this like the local news teasing a story to keep you interested? Is this Sam Humphries thinking, "I know my story isn't good enough to keep people reading. But if they only knew I planned to bring in the Justice League, there's no way they can drop the book, right?!"

No. I can mention a Green Lantern making a boxing glove because I'm expressing my disdain at how the battle isn't even on that low of a level. As the author, you cannot go there because it's lazy.

Jessica's anxiety and fear take over and she runs and hides and thinks over and over again, "I can't do this!" No, you can't. Give the ring to somebody else because at this point, it makes no sense that you were given one. There's only one rule and that's the ability to overcome great fear. You have the great fear so fucking overcome it already! I suppose I can give you one more issue to overcome it but if this becomes a regular part of the series, I will...well, I don't know. Roll my eyes more?

I just remembered! The last issue had Atrocitus telling Simon and Jess that he would let the one that kills the other one live. But there's been no acknowledgment of that ending at all! I guess I'm just supposed to assume that he was speaking figuratively or that that speech was code for his Red Lanterns to attack?

The issue ends with Jessica curled up into a fetal position because she's representing for the terminally anxious. And Simon Baz has just got his ass kicked because he's representing for those who constantly get their asses kicked. I wish this issue were one page longer so the Red Lanterns could have just finished them off and saved me $2.99 next month.

Green Lanterns #4

Once again, this comic book has way too many artists working on it. The cover says seven but the credits page lists eleven. I'm not an expert but I think that indicates a problem.

The Review!
This comic book isn't as bad as I'll make it seem in the following commentary. But I've declared I will never again complain about the thing that I complain about in the following commentary. I'm practicing not complaining about it right now! I'm using Green Lantern levels of will not to talk about it! It's not even that big a deal, really. It's just a little pet peeve I have that apparently nobody else has which is why comic books are so Goddamned fucking terrible now! I mean, um, it's not a problem at all! No big deal! It's not even like it's something new! People do it all the time and have for decades! It can even be used to good affect when done well and by a writer I have declared an oath of undying fealty for. But Sam Humphries has yet to impress me in a way that would keep his use of those things I don't complain about anymore from bothering me at all.

The Commentary!
I didn't hate this comic book when it began. I didn't even hate it three issues later when Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz kept speaking directly to the reader. I didn't want to hate a person I've never met before and who will likely never have any effect on my life ever. I didn't want to but here I am. I hate Sam Humphries. He broke me and this is the Narration Box that did it:

"Hello, Simon! I'm Tess, the meanest comic book critic ever!"

It was cute last issue when Jess thought, "OMG I am the worst Green Lantern." It was cute because she thought it just moments after Bleez threw her through an office building. It is not cute this issue when Simon Baz thinks the same thing. Not just because Sam Humphries already used this line since I can kind of understand how he's using it on purpose to compare the two new recruits and their ultimate lack of self-confidence in their ability to do this job. They both offer up a strong facade but are terribly concerned that they will fail Earth. What pisses me off about this moment is that goddamned fucking "Hello!" Who the fuck does he think he is? Larry of Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? Lenny and/or Squiggy? Some character who says "Hello!" when coming on scene but whom young people would recognize?! Hell, he's not even one of those characters because at least those characters were saying "Hello!" to other fucking characters. They didn't look at the camera and acknowledge the audience and wave and wink.

I don't know what to fucking do. This kind of shit has become such a standard trope in comic books that nobody cares or notices. Hell, I think the majority of people like this stupid shit. But then the majority of people are assholes and morons who think they're way smarter than they really are. They want heroes to tell them everything inside the hero's stupid head. Stories in third person which remain outside of the character's mind are just way too ambiguous. And how would a comic book like this work without being privy to all of Jess's and Si's thoughts, right?! We have to see how they think so we can compare and contrast their styles and attitudes! No way we could have any opinion on the two of them without knowing every thought in their stupid fucking heads. I mean, look at The X-Files? It didn't do that and it was complete and utter shit, right?

Of course it wasn't, asshole. That was the point. Now get the fuck off of my lawn while I read this rest of this comic book I already know will be garbage because I'm only on page one and it's put me in a terribly foul mood.

Maybe I'm a Red Lantern!

Simon and Jessica plunge into the Hell Tower which is actually the opposite of a tower. Maybe Atrocitus thought The Hell Well was too cutesy. Jessica has been infected with the Rage so she isn't working with Simon. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal because one Green Lantern is as good as two Green Lanterns, right? But remember how Hal Jordan insured that there would be easy tension and drama by forcing Si and Jess to share a battery? Remember how they could only recharge their rings together? Yeah, remember that caveat and conundrum? Well, guess what? You get a Mini-Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Ribbon if you guessed Simon's ring is running out of juice! Oh, Green Lantern comic book! You never fail to make me think, "What am I doing with my fucking life?"

Simon only has 2.2% charge left in his ring which is ridiculous because I'm constantly being reminded that the Green Lantern ring is the greatest weapon in the entire universe. And yet the stupid thing is constantly low on charge when it's most needed. I guess Simon is going to have to destroy the Hell Well with his pistol.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, Simon's relatives are bickering because there's a Bohemian Guardian of the Universe in the pantry. He reveals he's as nutty as the other Bohemian Guardians even though he's of a different variety. I don't know where Kyle's Bohemian Guardians wound up. This Guardian finally reveals the name of the ring he brought with him: The Phantom Ring! It sounds so mysterious! And probably not real. This guy is kind of crazy. But he also knows a secret about why Earth suddenly needed two new Green Lanterns when they already had five or six times more than any other planet in the entire universe. But all of that stuff probably won't be revealed until The Hell Well is destroyed.

Simon's ring didn't have enough energy to do a med scan of Jessica or to find a nearby lost teddy bear. But it does have enough energy to do that impossible healing thing Simon Baz does! I'm totally enthusiastically smiling and excited about this revelation! Really I am!

How many more stupid pages is this stupid comic book that's stupid?

Jessica begins to feel less angry and decides to quit. Good! If you quit then Simon has to quit because he can't use the battery without you and then I never have to read this comic book again! If there's even the slightest possibility I might read another Narration Box where a character says hello directly to me, it's worth shutting down this entire series.

Stop it! Stop trying to talk her out of it! Let her quit! Put me out of my misery!

See? These two don't have the confidence that they want everybody to believe they have. Not that I had to put any thought into this comic book to reach that conclusion. All the thinking was done for me! Narration Boxes are the equivalent of those rails that keep the kiddie cars on the tracks at places like Disneyland. They're the bumpers in bumper bowling. They're the cliff notes published in the margins of the book the notes are for. They're the red hot pokers and bamboo slivers jammed under my fingernails. And they're so ubiquitous that I'm bored ranting about them. I'll never fucking mention them again because it seems like all I write about lately. I wish something that mattered would make my blood boil the way these shitty Narration Boxes do!

Jess and Si patch up their differences, recharge their rings, and climb out of The Hell Well. Waiting for them at the top of the well are Atrocitus and his Red Lanterns. Surprisingly, they don't immediately kill Simon and Jessica. Instead, Atrocitus tells them he'll let one of them live. That one will be the one who kills the other Green Lantern. Nice try, Atrocitus! But they just got the whole good guys battling each other thing out of their system this issue. Next issue is way too soon for another physical confrontation between the two Green Lanterns! I mean, I know Si and Jess are going to wind up fighting each other many times across this series. But they can't do it every single issue!

One of the Red Lanterns with Atrocitus is Zilius Zox. How come nobody remember he died in Red Lanterns Annual #1?! This isn't the first time he's been back after dying which probably explains why he's still around. Because somebody else fucked up and brought him back and now nobody realizes he was killed. Oh well. This is Rebirth, after all! It's as good a time as any to declare Zilius Zox's death was exaggerated.

Green Lanterns #3

Congratulations! It only took you three issues to pull the oldest fucking trick in the book and have the heroes fight each other, Sam Humphries!

The Commentary!
I haven't read the comic book so my caption for the cover could be wrong. I know better than to trust the covers of comic books. They lie worse than my sister in Junior High¹. But in this case, I'm going to assume the cover isn't lying because Simon and Jessica are up against the Red Lanterns and they like to make people angry. So Jess and Si are probably going to be influenced by the Red Rage which will amplify all of their feelings of annoyance at the other and they'll wind up battling. Jessica will probably lose because she can't make light constructs and she doesn't have a gun.

I'm trying really, really hard not to rant about how much I ha...oh fuck it. Here I go!

Why the fuck do comic book writers insist on writing narration as if the main character is speaking directly to the reader? I bet you anything every one of these fucking writers who use this crutch think Catcher in the Rye is a fantastic novel. Well it isn't! It's terrible and awful and utter crap and only people who have never realized that they don't have to do everything everybody ever fucking told them to do would find Catcher in the Rye in any way inspiring or thought provoking! But I didn't begin this rant to shit all over J.D. Salinger (no matter how much J.D. deserves to be shat upon!)! I am completely pulled out of the story when the comic book characters decide to speak directly to me. Especially with the goddamned cutesy bullshit fuck garbage like "(Don't worry. I didn't do it.)" on this page! I'm not a fan of any Narration Boxes but I can at least stomach the ones where that mimic the old fashioned thought bubbles. I can understand bringing out the thoughts the character is having in the moment. But this fucking tripe that sounds like an actor giving the DVD Commentary on every scene? It makes my fucking dick ache. Sam Humphries owes me for anti-dick-ache medication!

Now that I'm done ranting for the moment, what is up with that list of names on the cover? Holy fuck, how many people does it take to create a mediocre comic book?! Apparently, at the last minute, some of these artists were told they were responsible for pages they were never prepared to draw!

This is proof of my previous statement! I fucking can draw cats better than this! And I stopped hiding proportion mistakes by hiding the ankles and feet behind other objects in 9th grade art thanks to Mr. Sanchez!

The last page of the first issue made it look like Atrocitus was fucking the Earth and after the revelations in this panel, I see why! He really is fucking the Earth with the Hell Tower² to plant his Rage Seed in Mother Earth's Core³. And I guess nine months later, Deathstork will deliver a rage baby who will destroy the Earth.

Atrocitus commands Bleez to stop the Green Lanterns before they can interrupt his sexing up of Mother Earth. He tells Bleez she is the best but really he just likes watching her fly away from him. Because she wears a thong and her butt is exposed! Plus the only other Red Lantern he brought with him to Earth is Dex-Starr and Dex-Starr is fucking useless. All a Green Lantern has to do is shine a green light on the wall and Dex flips the fuck out for ten minutes before totally losing his mind, flying from the room, and finding a quiet place to lick his ass for the rest of the evening.

Simon and Jessica arrive in St. Louis to battle Bleez but decide to bicker first.

How the fuck does the artist, inker, colorist, and editor have no idea about the comic book they're working on? Simon Baz's gun is real, you idiots!

Bleez arrives to show Jessica how to make simple constructs with her red ring. She learned that trick from Rankorr! Maybe Jessica will learn from watching Bleez. If Jess didn't die when Bleez attacked because she's currently trapped under some rubble.

After Simon is thrown against a building with his teddy bear, Jessica climbs out of the rubble to take her turn. But first she has to remind all of the readers that she suffers from crippling anxiety. She has to mention it in a Narration Box because you'd never guess from the way she acts in the comic books. Jess also gets thrown into a building because she's terrible at Green Lanterning. I suppose it was Volthoom doing all the work previously.

This made me chuckle. This is an acceptable Narration Box.

Simon begins to be taken over by the rage so I guess he and Jessica will fight it out soon. I bet Jessica gets the upper hand so that Simon has to grudgingly give her his respect.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, the Bohemian Guardian has arrived to reveal what's in the box⁴. I hope it's the fabled Magenta Ring! But he'll only reveal it to the Green Lantern of Earth, so I guess the revelation of the box's contents will have to wait another issue or two since Si and Jess are busy.

Simon Baz resists the rage deep in his heart and instead decides to do that healing thing he did once before. That thing that no other Green Lantern has ever managed to do! That thing that set Simon apart from every other Earth Lantern ever created! That thing that I thought everybody completely forgot about when everybody forgot about Simon! Simon Baz decides to heal Bleez! And it works! She's transformed back into her pre-Red Lantern self! She even has her original wings! But she also retains all the memories of the horrible shit she did as a Red Lantern, which I guess is just too much for her.

Where did her little head wings go?!

Simon convinces Bleez not to kill herself and to maybe go out for pizza later. But first she tells him all about Atrocitus's Hell Tower² and how it needs to be destroyed. That's when Jessica returns and doesn't notice that Bleez looks different and that Simon has an erection.

Jessica's attack causes Bleez to return to Red Lantern status. Or maybe Simon's healing efforts simply wore off. Or maybe something really dirty happened that involves lady parts and lady fingers and little lady deaths! It's hard to tell for sure because I've already convinced myself that Bleez rubbed one out while Jessica was thinking up hilarious battle quips.

After returning to Red Lantern status, Bleez flees from the battle to hide from the Green Lanterns and from Atrocitus because she gave away his plan. So I guess no pizza then?

Simon and Jessica head back to the Hell Tower² to destroy it. But once they get there, Jessica is infected by the rage and attacks Simon. So the cover wasn't a lie! It was actually a spoiler for the last page! The battle won't take place until next issue!

The Review!
Okay, okay! Aside from the initial Narration Boxes that really just work as introductions to the story so far (but--I still maintain--do not work as a logical narrative device!), I enjoyed this comic book. A good portion of the Narration Boxes used later work as thought bubbles, so they didn't completely bug the shit out of me. And I really appreciated that Simon Baz's healing power has been brought back into the story. With so many Earth Green Lanterns, they all really need a little something that sets them apart. Hal is the fly by the seat of his pants test pilot leader! John Stewart is the architect of always having to sacrifice somebody! Simon Baz is the uplifting healer! Kyle Rayner is the guy who can think up really cool light constructs! Jessica Cruz is the Green Lantern that was evil and is now anxious! And Guy Gardner is the Green Lantern with a huge cock! See? They're all special in their own way! I just hope the Red Lanterns fuck off after this initial story and Sam Humphries imagines up some of his own cosmic conflicts rather than using Geoff Johns' fucking scraps. Except for Dex-Starr! Maybe Simon can heal Dex-Starr and get him a Green Lantern ring! Or a Blue Lantern ring! Who wouldn't want a cat sidekick that gives the heroes hope? I'm all in for that plot twist! _________________________________________________
¹She lied a lot!
²Atrocitus's nickname for his penis.
³The core is the geographically correct name for the Earth's womb.
⁴You probably already made your own Se7en joke so fuck if I'm going to look like a hack and repeat it.

Green Lanterns #2

Bleez always looks like she forgot to put on the skirt before leaving the house.

The Review!
It's the buddy cop Green Lantern mash-up you've all been waiting for! One is a street wise misogynistic rookie! The other is an agoraphobic Islamaphobe who's an even rookier rookie! Together, they're Green Lanterns! Green both because they're rookies and because they're in that Corps whose power is based on willpower! The characters might not actually be as misogynistic and Islamaphobic as I'm pretending they are. Since the basic concept of the comic book revolves around neither one liking the other too much and how they're constantly criticizing the other in their inner monologues, I feel it's more exciting to spice up the mistrust they feel for each other. Plus neither one of them is a white guy, so I think if I write conversations where they criticize each other in ignorant ways, it's punching parallel! Which is okay, right? Or is it still wrong because I'm writing it? What if I scream that it's parody and satire and other stuff that used to be okay but now gets people angry for different reasons!? I think I get a free pass about knowing right from wrong because according to all the Youthsplanations I receive every day, I'm always wrong about everything (except my mistrust of the cops! That just keeps getting proven time and time again! Although I don't want to turn a daily tragedy into about me being right yet again! At least I do but I want to acknowledge that I didn't mean to do that but still do it anyway!) I'm even going to be told I'm wrong by an old white guy when I read Green Arrow next!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on the planet Ysmault which is identified as the "home of the Red Lanterns" instead of explaining which sector it is located. It's Sector 2814, by the way. Don't believe the incorrect information being passed around by Issue #1! I'm not sure why the comic begins on Ysmault since Red Lanterns was cancelled. And I'm fairly confident that "Green" is not a synonym for "Red" so I'm confused. I guess DC Comics just doesn't know how to let the Red Lanterns go. What makes them so special? The Indigo Lanterns have pretty much vanished and all but one of the Blue Lanterns have been killed by bugs and/or Twat Lobo. The only Orange Lantern has been relegated to jokey comic books and the Star Sapphires are pretending to have Tupper Ware parties but they're really having sex with hot space guys behind the Guardians' backs.

I'd hate to sit on a subway next to Atrocitus.

Back in Pima County, Arizona, Sector 2814, Atrocitus's Hell Tower begins erupting. Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz aren't around to help because they weren't Green Lantern enough for ARGUS. ARGUS must have forgotten their Secret Police Tape to close off the crime scene because dozens of citizens are standing around the Hell Tower when it erupts. Now dozens of citizens, along with the ARGUS agents, are really mad for no reason at all! Unless the Hell Tower is the reason. And maybe their dead family members.

Up in Portland, Oregon, a lot of douches are thinking they're cool, especially the one that lives in the apartment beneath me. I wonder how many people reading this are from Portland, living beneath somebody else, and are now wondering if that's Tess up there? Also happening in a Lexmart in Portland, Jessica Cruz is introducing herself to the readers and having a nice little About Me chat with them. It doesn't make any sense. Does she know she's in a comic book and that I just turned the page to see her for the first time this month? I would think she would be too concerned with all of the angry shoppers that were attacking her for no reason at all. Really no reason this time! She's not in the Hell Tower or Dead Family Members Aisle.

Jessica's sister has become the Angriest Shopper in the World and Jess doesn't know how to help her. Oh yeah, Jessica also mentions her anxiety so that readers suffering from anxiety can be all, "Cool! Representation! Except for that part about how she totally hasn't been crippled by her anxiety at all in her Justice League adventures! Probably because Volthoom was controlling her! Also, what did she mean by her sister made her leave her apartment even though she was crippled by anxiety? Fuck saving that cunt! How dare she!?" It's about at the time I thought "Should I include the word 'cunt' in my imaginary reader's thoughts?" when Simon Baz comes crashing through the wall of a store in a Light Construct Humvee to save the day!

When Jess sees Si, she thinks, "Look at how violently he just entered the store? Religion of peace, my big brown ass!" And Simon Baz is thinking:

"Religion of pieces, more like! SMASH! BANG! BOOM!"

Apparently Sam Humphries thematic element tying this series together is explained in this moment as Simon arrives. I said "apparently" when I probably should have said "undoubtedly and without question" because Jess thinks, "I might be all anxiety, but he's all impulse. Somewhere in the middle is where a Green Lantern should be." So that's why they were forced to share a Lantern! Because they're representative of two halves of one mind. So it's like The X-Files but less subtle or interesting!

Not that I'm totally disinterested in this comic book but it is doing a few things I could do without. How about more funny light constructs and less interior monologues about the differences between Si and Jess? Or maybe more interior dialogues between the two but make them more hate-filled and racist! I don't mean because I enjoy those things! I just mean because I would think it was funny if they were both ignorant assholes who eventually learn to not be ignorant because of interacting with each other and space travel! They'll still be assholes though.

Who the fuck is Simon talking to? I hate these kinds of fucking Narration Boxes! HE SHOULD NOT BE AWARE OF ME WATCHING HIM!

Jessica has been having trouble making light constructs because of her anxiety or something. She's so full of self-doubt that she can't even make a butterfly net to catch her sister. A butterfly net is like Green Lanterning 101! It's like the elephant lamp that you pull the trunk and the light comes on of Green Lantern Shop Class! But she's too scared of hurting her sister so impulsive Simon Baz has to swing into action and help out. He puts Sara Cruz in suspended animation that should keep her safe while he and Jess fly into space to fight Red Lanterns. On his way out of the Lexmart, he steals a stuffed animal and crashes through the roof. I want to complain about how irresponsible he is for a peacemaker in a position of authority but how can I when he's at least not killing the people he's supposed to protect. I just can't get angry at a space cop stealing a teddy bear when actual cops are stealing lives.

Simon and Jessica realize the Red Lanterns are invading Earth with their hate. They don't have time to stop them this issue even though Aquaman took care of his first problem in only two issues. Although Black Manta was freed before getting to prison, so once he's done feeling like he wasted his life trying to kill Aquaman, he'll get right back up on that Aquaman killing hobbyhorse, I'm sure. Hopefully next issue begins with Simon and Jessica charging their rings so that they don't wind up in the usual shitty Green Lantern cliffhanger where the ring is running out of power. Although Simon still has the gun strapped to his thigh, so he can at least find out if bullets can kill Atrocitus. I bet they work against the cat!

Green Lanterns #1

What's up with Earth Lanterns always wearing the ring on the middle finger? I mean, I know why Guy does it. But why everybody else?

The Review!
Using the power of my new Emerald Sight, I can see that I am not going to like this comic book terribly much. It's on the first issue and it's already relying on visions of the future and prophecies to advance the plot. The plot also seems to be revolving around the idea that the two new Green Lanterns are full of rage. That sucks. Because I can see how Humphries is going to go down the path of Simon Baz being angry at the government and other people constantly believing he's a terrorist because he's Muslim and I don't want to see that part of Simon Baz explored. You know when Simon Baz's character really shines? When he's reaching out to other people and trying to get them to dig out the motes from their own eyes. He was the one who stood up for B'dg and called him a Green Lantern when everybody else was calling him a squirrel because he knows what it's like to be judged and misrepresented. He's the one that had some kind of super healing power never seen before by other Green Lanterns because of his compassion. But I guess we'll focus on his anger now because that's good drama. Plus the Red Lanterns have this whole Red Dawn thing happening which must be cool because it's FUCKING RED DAWN, BABY!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz bickering over who gets to investigate an unauthorized alien on Earth. How does an alien become authorized to visit Earth? Why would they have to get the authorization of the Green Lantern Corps? This is why nobody in the universe likes the Green Lantern Corps. Because they've decided that everybody needs to follow their rules. Who decided they should be the lawmakers, the peacekeepers, and the judges? I would question the goodwill of any organization that thought the punch-first, never-ask-questions-later Hal Jordan would make a good peace officer.

Simon and Jessica rush off to do whatever their rings say because they're sheep. They're Green Sheep. I would probably spend a few hours discussing the issue with the ring which is probably why I wouldn't be drafted by a Green Lantern ring. That's also why America stopped drafting kids. Because they decided they would rather work with people who wanted to soldiers rather than have to deal with all that rabble who would rather take LSD and listen to The Doors. I would probably be taking LSD and listening to The Doors while the ring told me to investigate unauthorized aliens. Although I would only be listening to The Doors because I would be tripping too hard to change the current song playing on iTunes.

Simon still carries the gun on his hip which makes sense. I mean it makes sense for a Green Lantern to carry a backup weapon since the Greatest Weapon In The Universe fails constantly. I didn't mean it made sense that a Muslim would carry a handgun around. Although if one of the Green Lanterns has to wield a gun, I'd trust Simon Baz would be most responsible with it. Maybe John Stewart, seeing as how Cullen Bunn couldn't remind us enough that he was a marine. I suppose I'd trust that John would know how to use it but do I really trust that he'd know when not to?

Instead of investigating the situation like rational heroes intent on keeping Earth safe, they storm the building where the alien seems to be unauthorized, rings blazing. Their battle cry is "Beware our power!" Is that the philosophical path Sam Humphries is going to go down in this comic book? I don't enough has been said in literature about how power corrupts and how people abuse power and how power power powers power power.

Okay, so they made the right call. This time!

Since this guy seems to think he's a member of the Red Lantern Corps, the blue girl must be Bleeze. Too bad he didn't mention the blue cat because I want to see the blue cat more often in this comic book. If I were writing it, Dex-Starr would find love with one of the human Green Lanterns and lose his rage. Then he'd get a Violet Ring. Or, being a cat, maybe he'd get an Orange Ring. Although if he's going to hang out with his new best friends, I imagine he'd need a Blue or Green Ring.

Green Lanterns seems to be taking a page out of the Batman Loves Superman comic books where we get to hear their internal monologues as they work with each other and compare them to the things they're actually saying to their partner. So when Simon Baz knocks out the bad guy with a light construct car battery(?), Jessica is all, "Good job!" But her thoughts are all, "You violent Muslim!" And Simon is all, "Thanks! I'm all pumped now!" But his thoughts are, "Stupid woman is totally keeping the violence to a minimum with her girl feelings!"

The Lanterns find the Unauthorized Alien gutted and hanging from the wall. That's when their rings are all, "New Alert! Code Number Why Am I Even Saying It Since You Guys Don't Know These Stupid Codes! I guess I'll just say what the code means instead! Unlawful execution!" Wow, ring! Way to state the thing that Jess and Si already know! I mean, unless somebody else is being killed behind them!

The Lanterns find the basement full of corpses and decide that maybe they should call in the police because Green Lanterns don't do fucking paper work.

I don't know why this cop is so desperate to get some different Green Lanterns on the scene. The crime scene is just a bunch of corpses! I guess she wants a Green Lantern that does paper work.

The scene immediately fills up not just with emergency personnel and cops but families of the possible corpses as well. I guess nobody has anything better to do in Pima County, Arizona. But it's just this kind of crowd that the Red Lanterns were hoping for! Their anger at what's happened to their family members sets off a rage bomb in the shed! Luckily nobody dies because the Green Lanterns protect them. But I guess protecting these people was the wrong thing to do because the lead cop suddenly reveals that she's from ARGUS and she loves fucking paper work! She tries to send the Green Lanterns on their way after blaming them for the catastrophe. Fuck me. No! Why am I saying fuck me?! Fuck Sam Humphries for pulling this drama shortcut bullshit where the good guys get blamed for what the bad guys did!

Meanwhile on Ysmault...

I don't know if I'm more annoyed by Atrocitus's stumpy legs or the narration box telling my Ysmault is in the wrong sector.

So the Red Lanterns are dying for some reason and Atrocitus believes that they are needed to keep the universe from spinning out of control and being too content. You can't have a universe where people don't get angry when bad things happen! Hell, right here on Earth, people get angry at everything! They especially like to get angry and have venomous opinions over things that wind up being untrue, or things that are entirely fictional and don't matter in the slightest. But I guess that's why Bleez has built the Hell Tower on Earth so that it might give birth to the Rage Seed! I don't know what any of that means but it's definitely ominous! Plus the plan has a dangerous sounding moniker: Red Dawn!

Later, Simon Baz learns that he has the ability to experience "Emerald Sight". Is that a pun I don't get? A reference I don't understand? Is it a thing because it rhymes with Emerald Twilight or Blackest Knight? Is it now a thing because "no evil shall escape my emerald sight"? One thing I do know because Sam Humphries proved it earlier with ARGUS turning on the Green Lanterns for no reason is that this is another shitty writer's shortcut. Now Simon Baz gets to react to visions of the future! It's so much easier to motivate a character with visions of the future than by any other imaginative means at a writer's disposal. So now Simon Baz has had a vision of the Bohemian Guardian with the Magenta Ring, his own death, his brother-in-law turning into a Red Lantern, and an angry Cheshire Cat. And not only does foresight make for an easy way to get the character's moving in a forward direction, it's also an easy way to increase the tension in the readers! Because, oh my goodness, Simon Baz is lying in a puddle of his own blood! He's in no danger right now but that vision means he's going to be in mortal danger at some point! I'm so excited to keep reading!

But wait! Sam isn't done with the short cuts yet! As Simon freaks out over his new Emerald Sight and Jessica gets mobbed by angry shoppers, Atrocitus has his own vision! "When [the Lanterns] come face to face with their own rage, one Lantern will serve, the other will fall! And Earth will succumb to the power of Red Dawn!" Dun dun DUN!

I should also add that the last page is seriously disturbing.

Is Atrocitus fucking the Earth? And can Simon and Jessica feel it?

Batman Beyond #12

Don't worry, DC Youniverse's horrible future! Old Man Wayne is here to fix it all!

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Wired for Death" and it's part 1 of 4. Wait. What?! Goddammit! I thought all of the current DC Comics were ending immediately! I thought I was going to be buying a few less comic books per month due to DC's new economic plan of selling less titles but more biweeklies! And now I've glanced at the solicits for August and I'm really depressed! Earth 2: Society, Teen Titans, and Doctor Fate still haven't been cancelled as of August?! I hate everybody at DC Comics.

Thankfully, I really don't mind that Batman Beyond is still going. It might not be Moby Dick (although it might also be Moby Dick since I haven't read that (mostly because I kept falling asleep and dreaming about having gay sailor sex on top of drying sheets of whale penis skin)) but it's entertaining enough to make me forget about death for a few minutes. And who can put a price on that? Well, DC can. They're charging $2.99 for it! That's a bit exorbitant since I'm fairly certain I can read this comic book in five minutes if I weren't taking the extra time to pretend to review it while actually just constantly digressing into boring anecdotes like that one about how I tried to read Moby Dick.

I feel like I skipped past this bit a little too quickly: Doctor Fate is still in the August solicits! How was this stupid fucking piece of shit comic book not cancelled months ago?! Here's the entire story of every issue: Something weird and paranormal happens. Doctor Fate thinks, "I must be dreaming!" Another weird thing happens. Doctor Fate thinks, "Am I on drugs?" Doctor Fate's neighbor tries to suck his dick. Doctor Fate thinks, "I don't have time for that!"

I don't know what's happening in this story but Old Man Bruce and Old Dog Titus (probably like Titus IV or V, actually) are in it. They're not supposed to be in it, right? Is this some kind of flashback? Probably not since it's called "Wired for Death" and the last issue ended with Rewire twiddling his fingers and going, "Nyuck nyuck nyuck!" Or something more sinister than that. I mean, I guess this can be a flashback. It's probably Barbara remembering the moment Terry put Rewire into Bruce's computer. Because in the present, Tim is probably accessing Bruce's computer to read about Rewire. So maybe that is the original Titus! Dogs can live thirty years, right? If you truly love them!

Oh. It's only Ace. Now I'm sad about dead Titus. And Batcow. And Alfred Pennyworth the Cat.

In Barbara's memory, she talks about Tim Drake with Terry McGinnis. She points out that Tim was so fucking smart that he realized Batman and Bruce Wayne were the same person. Please! The only thing that proves is that the rest of the DC Youniverse is so stupid they couldn't figure it out. I don't mind believing that nobody can figure out Bruce is Batman or Clark is Superman for some reason. Fine! But don't go and blow the whole illusion by pretending that if somebody figures it out, they're somehow a genius! That's just bringing attention to the whole stupid barely secret secret identity thing! Also, just for the record, Tim didn't figure it out in The New 52. Oh, sure, Scott Lobdell rewrote the story so that Tim was only pretending not to have guessed so he wouldn't hurt Bruce's feelings. But that was just Lobdell doing that thing Lobdell does where he writes a story that gets criticism and then shouts, "Wait! Wait! You can't have an adverse opinion until you see the end of the story!" Then he pretends he didn't end the story and goes back to revisit the thing he did poorly and changes it so that he can say, "See, you dumb dumb idiot morons?! I was totally doing the thing you wanted but you were just too impatient! So stupid."

The story returns to the present (future? Whichever one has old Babs with grey hair) where Tim is investigating a break-in at STAR Labs! I bet it's Rewire! Rewire is almost a palindrome if you hit your head against the wall five times fast and then look at it.

Commissioner Babs is Batman Beyond's Penny-One and Jim Gordon. Hmm. I wonder which one Batman was fucking? Oh wait! Tim isn't fucking Babs yet! Or maybe ever. She is kind of old. Not that there's anything wrong with an old woman fucking a young buck like Tim Drake! But there probably is something wrong with Tim Drake fucking an old mare like Babs! If that was sexist, strike and reverse it! Or just let them fuck like I first fantasized, you judgmental asshole!

Batman Beyond catches Rewire stealing from STAR Labs and accuses him of a murder from Issue #7. Rewire is all, "I'm not going down for something I didn't do!" Well then, how about you just go down for breaking into STAR Labs? Is that good enough?

Rewire kicks Batman Beyond's ass while using lots of future slang. I now know I hate future slang even worse than present slang. Probably because it's made up by adults trying to envision slang of the future rather than organically made up by the youth. Not that the youth come up with stuff that's much better. I wish we'd just go back to saying "Bee's knees" and "Cat's pajamas!"

Tim drowns at the end of the battle although I doubt it's for keepsies since this story is Part 1 of 4. The final page doesn't reveal the bad guy behind Rewire but it does show that Rewire will die if he doesn't keep getting boosts of energy. That's why he can't go to Blackgate! They don't have any outlets.

I don't know why but I don't totally hate this comic book. I feel like I should hate it but I don't. Maybe I have the flu.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #4

I have no idea what this cover has to do with the story inside except that Catwoman is indeed in this issue.

The Review!
You know how you can tell if you're a narcissist? Well, first off you're probably not reading this because you didn't know it was going to be about you. But if you happen to be reading this for some reason, like maybe you're Amy Chu and you thought your self-esteem was healthy enough to read Internet comments about your work, or you're my mother who just happened to realize her son had a somewhat popular comic book blog on the internet, then maybe you'll learn something! You are a narcissist if you've ever been upset when somebody spells your name wrong or if somebody pronounced your name incorrectly after only having read it. Your name has never been on a list of words that people were supposed to automatically know how to spell or pronounce, you asshole. Get over your fucking self and stop thinking it's cute to Instagram photos of your name spelled wrong on Starbucks cups. You know when you have a right to be upset about your name being spelled wrong? On Christmas cards from your fucking grandparents. Instagram that shit and I might give a fuck. But when you mumble your oh-so-fucking-unique name to a clerk and they wind up getting it wrong, stop acting like they're so dumb. You're the fucking genius who somehow thinks everybody should know how to spell your stupid Goddamned name. By the way, Poison Ivy was mediocre at best.

Lois and Clark #7

This reminds me of a skin tag story I've yet to tell but probably won't have time to get to in this commentary. So forget I even mentioned it.

The Review!
Are we still pretending that I actually give a damn about reviewing these comic books?! I'm just an old person trying to remember the plot of fifty or more comic books every month and this is how I do it! But some people think review sites should actually review comic books so I keep up the fucking pretense! Here I go. This comic book is about Superman and Lois Lane and their son, Stupidfuck. It is probably not worth spending any amount of your finite life reading but then what actually is? If you like comic books with Superman written by a robot built in 1986 that hasn't been updated since, you may feel this is adequate distraction from your helter-skelter, headlong sprint toward the grave. I do know that I won't regret having read it if I'm given any time to have regrets because I'm languishing with some mortal illness. But that's just because I also read Ann Nocenti's Katana. That will be the thing I'll be regretting on my day of death. That and probably not dropping more LSD.

The Commentary!
My battle with the Weird Science Comics Blog is really heating up now! One of them has come at me really aggressively with all of this "Let's Play Nice" bullshit that I'm totally seeing right through! He saw that my plan was to forget about them and then he followed me on Twitter and commented on some of my Tumblr posts just to remind me that he exists and to pretend that he's a nice guy! And yet he purposefully and consciously foiled my plan of forgetting about them! What an evil genius mastermind of evil! Now I must forget about my plan to forget about them and work to destroy them forever! But first I'm going to read Lois and Clark #7!

Although do I really have time to read comics now that I must work to wipe pure evil off of the face of the Earth? Oh, of course I do! Even the mightiest of paladins must take the occasional break from their righteous quests! And who's a more mighty paladin than me?! So I'll take some really mighty breaks! After I read Lois and Clark #7, I'll probably play some Call of Duty!

Why must parents always lie to their children?

Two of the stupidest things DC has tried to convince their readers are unanswerable questions are who's fastest between Flash and Superman and who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman. We all know that Flash is faster no matter how DC wants to present Superman as the most powerful person ever and in every way imaginable. And we all know that Batman could never actually match Superman. Sure, Batman might reduce his heart rate and respiration and fall to the ground as if dead and Superman will be all "No! I didn't mean to kill you!" as he rushes to Batman's side where Batman proceeds to shove a Kryptonite shiv into Superman's liver. But if it were a life and death battle for Lois Lane's life, Superman might just have to fry Bruce with his heat vision from orbit. Better not to take any chances. And now that I think about it, I suppose if Superman were allowed to run the race against Flash in the same way Dick Dastardly was always allowed to run in the Wacky Races, he could probably beat The Flash. Right before the starter gun goes off, Superman can use his FWASH power to incinerate The Flash. Sure, Superman would lose his powers for 24 hours but at that point, he could just walk to the finish line. Although if The Flash is paying attention, he can outrun the FWASH explosion (by running backwards so he doesn't get a false start and get disqualified) and then run back to beat Superman easily. So I think The Flash would win no matter what. Or he could just time travel after losing, put some Kryptonite Marshmallows in Superman's breakfast before the race, and then beat Superman because Superman is dead.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it depends on the writer and the editor telling the story but if Superman beat Flash or Batman beat Superman, readers that day would set the world record for most people doing the Hand Jive at the same time. Although technically they'd just be making jerking off motions but nobody would have to tell Guinness that.

Jon agrees with me that Flash should be faster but for stupid kid reasons like things being fair and shit. What a little jerk! I hope he's forced to go on a play date with New 52 Danny Chase.

So, Jon discovered he has super powers last issue because he's got to be ready for joining the Teen Titans in Rebirth. He should fit in great because I already hate the little noseminer. Just to be clear, I don't hate him for any actual reason. It's pure bias on my part.

Meanwhile, Superman finally deals with the reality television drama that was only in the plot to delay him so that Jon could show off his powers and he's off to help save his family.

Welp, the Superman is out of the bag.

While Clark and Lois explain where they're from to their son, Clark mentions that their old universe is gone. Well, that can't be right! I thought they went back in time with Parallax and Flash and they stopped the Crisis on Infinite Earths from happening. I figured they chose to live in the New 52 universe because Golden Age Superman, after surviving Crisis thanks to the current retcon, decided to take up living on silver age Superman's Earth. Oh, who can tell! Hopefully Rebirth #1 is just a long note telling the fans that all of the stories ever told by DC are true and if any of them contradict any others then it's the fault of the reader's inability to see how they don't actually contradict.

The issue ends with Hyathis searching for half of the Oblivion Stone which is in Superman's Prison of Semi-Solitude. I guess that fight should end this series and then it's on to Rebirth where bearded, experienced, acts-like-Superman Superman will take over for fresh corpse Superman?

Justice League United #10

The Legion of Super-heroes ruin everything.

Whenever the Legion of Super-heroes takes a trip into the past, they ruin everything. I don't think they ever travel to the past to stop some terrible event from taking place. I think every time they head to the past, they're simply manipulating events so that their timeline comes to fruition. They're no better than that barn owl Madame Xanadu who's always pretending to see some future disaster just to get a bunch of heroes to do her laundry or weed her garden. If I were a super hero, I would have a strict policy to only ever get involved with crimes that have already happened or are currently in the process of happening. Nobody's going to trick me into lowering a neighborhood's property value so that they can snatch it all up so they can sell it for five times its value to developers. I know that I could still be manipulated by somebody pretending to be a ghost or a monster but I think I'm pretty good at spotting the difference between a rubber mask and an actual human face.

Last issue, Brainiac 5 with his amazingly huge brain created a black hole which is going to destroy all space and time. I know some of you are thinking, "What an idiot!" But could you create a black hole capable of destroying reality? I thought not.

If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this! But, you know, with different names replacing "Infinitus."

I just wrote a song while I was scanning the above image. This is it:

I bought sake for Goblin Sake! DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!
You put your dick in an old gym socky! KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK!

Have you ever been mellow while listening to "Have You Never Been Mellow"? Philosophy!

If a tree falls in the forest and there are no trees, what the fuck? Philosophy!

If a Starbucks employee asks you to have a frank and serious chat about racism, say what they want to hear and not what you actually think! Friendly Advice!

Let me have another attempt at that caption above so I can get back on track: "If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this, it wouldn't really matter since I just spent $100 to get into the situation which led to me yelling that at the Madame." That's too long and awkward. It needs some workshopping but it's not even worth workshopping, so I'll just move on now.

1. You can tell the H.P. Lovecreep thing is a good burn because it's been italicized. 2. Byth is still an asshole with teeth. 3. How about not criticizing somebody who's trying to save your ass, Miiyahbin. 4. The pull is too "strong," StarIDon'tKnowHowToLanguageGirl. 5. You are in space. There is no sky. 6. Um, is it a bird? Or a plane?!

Hopefully you can match all of my comments to the proper places in the comic book yourself. Try bringing a little effort to these commentaries, sheesh. Instead of just sitting there naked and passively scanning the internet with drool sliding down your chin. Jesus. Take a shower!

Whoops! I couldn't really see you browsing! That was just the reflection on my computer screen.

Supergirl flies down to get stuck in the gravity well of the black hole too. No, wait. She's strong enough to save Stargirl and Equinox with her flying power that works by...well, I'm sure it's some kind of science.

Nobody's arms get ripped off and nobody turns into long strings of spaghetti so I'm beginning to doubt Brainiac 5 actually created a real black hole. Maybe he just created a hole with a pretty strong gravity but nothing that a Supergirl can't climb out of.

Nobody shall die this day due to the power of science words!

Science can only do so much to save the day because now math has determined that Thanagar's orbit is going to bring it into the black hole's event horizon soon. Have you ever been inside the event horizon at a Grateful Dead concert? I've only gone once and that was to score some LSD. It might be the only time I've purchased drugs on my own if you discount buying LSD off of my ex-girlfriend's sister which I don't think really counts.

Hawkman decides to evacuate Thanagar but before he can, Dream Girl has a precognitive daydream where she sees two planets side by side. So now that science and math have had their turn, it's time to rely on hoodoo! Dream Girl declares that they must move the planet!

J'onn's only saying that because a female dreamed up the plan, the sexist pig. Plus he's trying not to cry as he thinks to himself, "Why didn't my people think of that?!"

I bet if we could understand pigs, they'd probably be thinking, "What the fuck did we do? Leave us out of your sexist bullshit, you asshole monkeys. And while we've got your attention, fuck George Harrison."

Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan to use zeta technology to move Thanagar to a different orbit. I guess everybody will be okay if it's shoved into Rann's orbit. Is that okay? Two planets in the same orbit? Kind of like our second Earth that's always on the far side of the sun that we don't know about. At least most of us don't know about it. The callers on Coast to Coast AM sure know a heck of a lot about it!

While they're coming up with a plan, Brainiac 5 asks White Witch to use her magic to help amplify the science. I don't know if that makes any sense but White Witch can amplify me anytime.

This isn't fair to Supergirl since obviously the future is going to have finer asses.

The planet is placed next to Rann in its orbit because Brainiac 5 knows what he's doing. Probably. Who am I to question a Twelfth Level Intellect! I can barely spell "twelfth"! I'm sure their gravitational fields won't fuck up everything on both planets.

Too bad Czarnia wasn't still extant! They could throw them in the mix just for fun!

Ugh! Gross! I hope it did change what happened between you if what happened between you is what I think happened between you! Stay away from my Supergirl, you green penised fartturd!

I called him a "fartturd" because he's Coluan. Get it? Sometimes my passion for Supergirl makes me a little racist and ablest. Fucking Michael, you handicrapable girlfriend thief!

Byth has been defeated, Infinitus turned back into a child, and a black hole was created nearby but fuck it. I'm sure it won't be a problem. The Legion of Super-heroes head back to the future with Ace Ultra where they'll probably just kill him when they get out of J'onn's sight. Adam and Alanna Strange are reunited and they kiss and fuck in that creepy way that professors kiss and fuck their students. *shudder*

How old is Stargirl? Three?

The team decides to stay together because they somehow didn't get cancelled in the DC June Relaunch. At least the next story can focus on the characters that are actually on the team instead of thousands of different Legionnaires.

Justice League United #10 Rating: No change. I realize I don't comment much on the art unless it's really shitty or unless it hits me right in the aesthetic pleasure center. I'm not going to discuss the art in this issue because it was serviceable. Maybe it was good in places and maybe it was weird in places and maybe White Witch's bum was super terrific. But I can't imagine being a proper comic book reviewer and feeling the need to throw in a paragraph about the art in every review. How many different ways can you say "the art served the story well"? And do they ever get sick of mentioning how the "coloring fit the mood perfectly"? I just can't do it! Sorry, Jeromy Cox, if I never give you any credit. Your ability to color and shade pictures seems, um, adult? Good job?

Justice League United #9

What does Harley have against Justice League United? Is she anti-Canada like the rest of us?

Hey Canadians? You don't mind if I make fun of you guys, do you? Since we all know you're all really polite and likeable, it should be obvious that I don't really have anything against you. But sometimes it's fun to make fun of other people simply because of where they're born and you guys are really the only ones left which works in a humorous way. If I make fun of Americans, I actually mean it because I am American and I've been in the same locker room as America for forty years and I've seen its dirty asshole and it's fucking disgusting. And I can't make fun of Britain because they're irrelevant to the world at large now. And I can't make fun of Germany because they're on their best behavior and I probably shouldn't provoke them. You know, just in case. And I can't make fun of France because they're all better than me, being American and all. And I can't make fun of the Fjordick countries (you know? the Nordic ones with fjords that look like dicks?) because they've got like the biggest happiness index of any country in the history of countries and it would just look like petty jealousy and envy if I made fun of them (which it would be). And I can't make fun of any other countries because they're not white and I am white and that would look horribly racist. So Canada is the only country left which I can poke fun at in a good-natured, heartfelt, no offense meant kind of way, right? But I need to ask your permission first because I don't want to be a douchebag about it! So any Canadians out there reading this, send me a message giving me your approval to turn Canada into my lovable spittoon! Don't send me any mean messages though because I'm quite sensitive.

I might be a little bit bitter while writing this commentary because this issue was supposed to be the final issue of The Infinitus Saga but it was extended last issue. So now I have to read another issue of poorly written time travel starring the Legion of Super-heroes! Thanks a lot, Jeff Lemire! Although I'm sure it was DC's fault with their whole Convolution Event happening in April and May. You probably figured it would be better to extend this story by one month than to start a new story in March which would be interrupted by Convalescence.

Who can remember all of these characters?!

Infinitus has been birthed from a cosmic asshole created by Byth. Now it us up to all of those faces to defeat Infinitus and save the universe! Or they could just let him go and destroy the future. Then they can change the present so that some other future occurs and Infinitus disappears in the now non-existent future! Why am I not leading this team?!

Inside Byth's Cosmic Asshole, Supergirl battles Byth to regain control of Ace Ultra. Ace Ultra is the mind creating and controlling Infinitus, so if somebody can just put him on a time-out, everything should be okay. Byth and Supergirl have a Buffy moment but nobody rhymes "regal" with "illegal."

Wait. What?! Sixteen?! But sixteen in Kryptonian years is twenty-four in Earth years, right?!

Byth mistakes Supergirl's greeting for violence which is totally understandable because it seems only on Krypton did people greet each other with a punch to the jaw. Or maybe it's only Supergirl's misunderstanding of Earth culture since Superman never punches people in the face when he just meets them. Of course, he was raised by Ma and Pa Kent and they never punched anything ever. Anyway, Byth decides to show Supergirl his true face which is basically an asshole with teeth.

Besides Infinitus and Byth, a bunch of fiery space wraiths have appeared and are attacking Thanagar. Mostly they're here because the Legion has too many members to participate in the Infinitus fight, so Lemire sends them on a wild fiery wraith chase. Animal Man and Green Arrow and Alanna Strange also go along because how effective are they going to be in a huge space battle?

Turns out they're really not that useful in planetary defense either.

Brainiac5 has created a weapon he's named The Infinitus Bomb because he lacks creativity and imagination. But he does have a 12th Level Intellect! Too bad he didn't have a 13th Level Intellect because he apparently miscalculated his time travel word problems. Instead of saving the future, he's only doomed everybody in the present as well. Infinitus is about to be born not in the 31st century but in the 21st century. And only his Infinitus Bomb can stop Infinitus. But before he can launch it, Martian Manhunter must enter Byth's Cosmic Butthole to save Supergirl and Ace Ultra.

Using some of the various Legion powers in combinations that have probably never been used before because there are just so Goddamned many of them, the Legion and the Justice League United rescue Supergirl and get Byth to surrender. Now they just need to get Ace Ultra to stop Infinitusiting up the universe.

Oh. Okay. That was easy.

At this point, Brainiac 5 is beginning to wish he had a 14 Level Intellect because he launches the Infinitus Bomb just as the target disappears. Whoops! Now who's the big fucking asshole who's doomed them all?!

The bomb opens up a black hole which begins sucking everybody inside and gives Justice League United an excuse to continue this story for one more issue.

Justice League United #9 Rating: No change. Will the black hole tie in to the Convocation Event in April? Or will it just crush every member of the Legion of Super-heroes except for Dawnstar and Wildfire who will eventually join the Justice League? Or maybe Wildfire will save them all since his containment suit was torn and now he's just some kind of free floating energy vortex that might have the power to reverse the gravity on a black hole. Or maybe Gates can just zap it to some barren space on the edge of the universe! Or maybe Colossal Boy can grab it and throw it into a bigger black hole? Or maybe Duplicate Damsel (or Triplicate Lass?) can create a string of herselves to use as a chain to pull everybody out of the black hole's range? Or maybe Polar Boy can make a big ice block around it (with Equinox's help, of course!)? Or maybe Mon-el can punch it into teeny tiny less dense bits of dust? Or maybe Phantom Girl can grab everybody in a big bear hug and phase them all through it, using the black hole's gravity to launch them out the other side? Or maybe Martian Manhunter can read its mind and find out its motivations? Or maybe Green Arrow can hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow while Animal Man chirps like a Bluebird? Or maybe Ultra-Kid can throw Bouncing Guy as hard as he can into the Black Hole which Bouncing Guy will bounce off of, sending the black hole careening into deep space while he bounces back out of its gravity well? Or maybe Invisible Kid can eat a baguette and say, "Mon friere!" Unless you spell French differently than that. Or maybe all of the others can do something with their super unique and special powers!