Action Comics #38

Oh god. This comic book just keeps getting scarier and scarier.

Because my father never paid any attention to me, the world now has this blog! And the only thing I've learned from it is that maybe my father was right! I'm not worth paying attention to! I don't know if I'm emotionally stable enough to read a Superman story about him returning home to find his parents waiting for him. They're going to be so sweet and nice and perfect and, even though they'll be soul sucking alien monsters, I'm still going to be envious of Clark!

This issue is called "Home is Where the Hell Is" because right?

The story begins with a flashback of eight year old Clark meeting He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Unless it's a dream. Or a hallucination. Clark can't think this is a real memory. No adult would be naive enough to believe in a god-monster that lives out in the corn fields commanding children to kill their parents. That's as silly as an immortal clown that needs a huge sacrifice every thirty years to sustain it. Or a jealous car with a will of its own! Or people calling a deadly flu Captain Trips! What a bunch of silly nonsense.

Now what is Clark up against? Some kind of "fire starter"?

Lana disappears down the end of the hallway which grows and grows and grows and now probably takes about five and a half minutes to walk down. And that's when it happens. That's when he hears his parents call out to him from the next room. Shit. I guess Smallville was established on an old Micmac burial ground.

Sometimes dead is better. Ayuh!

Clark's parents are really just the Smallville monster having a laugh at Clark's expense. But the monster is pretty good at his mimicry which causes Superman to feel a bit guilty when he thinks about how he's going to have to beat the crap out of his parents' corpses.

Untrue, Martha! The angriest person is probably the most intelligent person who is completely and utterly frustrated with having to deal with fucking stupid morons on a constant fucking basis.

Platitudes are right, Martha. Don't let anybody ever convince you that your demeanor in an argument or a debate somehow indicates how right or wrong or innocent or guilty you are. Every time I see one of those fucking true crime dramas narrated by that self-righteous lich Keith Morrison where he interviews people whose sole reason for believing somebody's guilt is due to the way the person didn't react the way they expected them to react, I realize that if I were ever to be a suspect in a murder investigation, I wouldn't stand a chance. Police guts and prosecutor intuition would deem me guilty as soon as they met me.

Clark finds out that Lana has been taken by one of the monsters and is thoroughly enjoying her memory of all the horror movies she saw as a kid. And then Clark is left alone to rebury the corpses of his parents. How is Clark going to figure out the mystery of Horrorville without Batman's help.,Or at the very least, a strong understanding of the culture of American horror stories.

Speaking of horror movies, I'm currently about an hour into Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives! It's not quite as bad as Part V but only barely. They spend even more time with overly goofy characters because the awful trend in horror in the eighties was to mix in as much comedy as gore. But the gore can't even compare to the first four movies. Just like Part V, they rely on lots of reaction shots of the person about to die then quick cuts to the weapon being thrust or swung or stabbed and then a cut back to the person dead with the weapon already in their head or stomach or whatever. At least they had the decency to basically ignore Part V. Jason Voorhees wasn't cremated like was mentioned in Part V and Tommy is played by another actor which helps me rationalize that Part V was just one of Tommy's psychotic hallucinations while in the mental hospital. One interesting aspect of this one that I'd forgotten is that it actually takes place at a summer camp full of children. The only problem is you know none of the kids are going to be killed. Although if this had been filmed in the 70s, those cabins full of kids would wind up being a bloodbath!

Once again, the movie was full of one-dimensional stereotypes. I guess that's not too different from any of the movies that never really tried too hard to flesh out the characters. They're mostly just fodder for Jason's (or his mom's) killing spree. But it's not really until Part V that they start making the characters over the top exaggerations of single character traits played simply for laughs.

The self-referential metatextual dialogue just seems amateurish and hackneyed. Apparently this movie gets credit for being some kind of Scream precursor but that's like trying to compare Spice World to the The Muppet Movie. They may be similar in execution but one is a work of art and the other is a poorly written movie that couldn't be bothered to think of a plot so they made the plot of the movie making a movie. The latter is Spice World! I said it was poorly written! And yes, I've seen Spice World (in the theater when it was released!) and reviewed it!

The best part of Part VI so far is the soundtrack since there have been three Alice Cooper songs so far. They're from Constrictor which isn't a great album but it's still Cooper! No wait. Two are from Constrictor: Teenage Frankenstein and He's Back. Hard Rock Summer is from I don't fucking know where. Maybe just the soundtrack? I only know it from the Alice Cooper Box Set, The Life and Crimes of Alice Cooper.

Anyway, back on the Kent family farm, the only people in Smallville still not turned into Tommyknockers discuss what to do next. The first thing they need to do is remove the parasites clinging to their backs. But when that proves too difficult, Superman and Steel decide to finally listen to the people of Smallville who are now all psychic superheroes. Yeah, that makes sense. Why the fuck not? All that Lois Lane with psychic powers has apparently crushed my spirit. I'll accept anything now.

The psychic Smallvillians tell Superman he needs to kill all of the monsters. But they're attached to children and it isn't the 1970s, so he's going to have to put on his post-millennial kid gloves to deal with them. Maybe put a helmet on them and tell them that anything is possible and give them all trophies?

Bah, just burn the whole fucking place to the ground.

All of these monsters have come out of the Phantom Zone and Superman needs to put them back and fix the Phantom Zone leak. Are all these creatures native to The Phantom Zone? If that's true, then Jor-el was a fucking dick sending Kryptonian supervillains into a space already inhabited by sentient beings. Or did Jor-el just stick whatever the fuck he didn't like or understand in the Phantom Zone? Maybe Clark put these creatures in the Phantom Zone? Whenever a creature in his menagerie became too hard to take care of, he'd just flush it down the Phantom Zone? Anyway, the people of Smallville were using their powers to keep the leak sealed. But then Superman confused them and now Smallville is full of monsters from Stephen King's The Mist.

Action Comics #38 Rating: No change. I guess Clark can say fucking goodbye to his secret identity. He's been dealing with one psychic person after another and eventually one of them will decide not to keep his secret for him. He's lucky Lois forgot because she'll put anything in print just to get some praise.

Action Comics #37

Come on, Superman! You couldn't save the kid's bike while you were at it?! Ass.

Last issue, Lana Lang had found herself living every horror movie ever made. I think an alien that was raised on Earth horror movies moved to Smallville and thought humans liked living in terror of everything, so it spruced the place up with horrific fog, mindless zombies, creepy Hearses, and brainwashed citizens bent on world domination through screaming and more brainwashing. I bet there's even a singing plant making some nudnik rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams.

Superman entered Horrorville to save the day but found himself trapped as well. Hopefully he doesn't get brainwashed because I'm tired of Superman constantly losing control of himself and just proving every paranoid asshole in America right that Superman is too dangerous to be free.

Hiro (Toymaster) has also been helping Superman try to save Smallville because Hiro doesn't have anything else to do and Greg Pak kind of reinvented Toymaster to make him as annoying as possible, so Pak has to use him every chance he fucking gets. I guess Hiro is the new Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy was over the moment Scott Lobdell made him a rich bastard.

Oh no! Now it's Malachi and He Who Walks Behind the Rows!

As soon as Superman is beset upon by the children of the barely a veg, he has a flashback to when he was about eight years old and there was a fire in the cornfield near school. He tries to save the day but there's this monster (He Who Walks Behind The Rows!) and then the flashback ends without a satisfactory conclusion! Just like life! And most bouts of sex! Although I think failing to orgasm and then weeping into your pillow while sobbing, "Mommy! Mommy!" is a sort of conclusion in itself.

Superman wakes up in Steel and Lana's bed. I hope they washed the sheets before bringing him in after all that anal sex they engaged in last issue. He's probably covered in shitty lube now.

Everybody in town continues to go about their business as if Smallville wasn't engulfed in a deadly mist or as if none of them were possessed by an alien entity. The only people that don't seem affected by the fog are John, Lana, and Superman. That's because they're the only characters that matter. You can't force the reader to feel emotionally attached to every person in the DC Universe! Some of them just have to be set dressing.

Hiro also winds up getting dragged into the mist by a bunch of tentacles before he can alert Batman that there's a problem. But then Hiro probably wasn't going to alert Batman since Batman would have stolen the mist's teleportation ability before Hiro could earn millions of dollars off of it. And he would have, too! Fucking Bruce Wayne.

Hiro looks like he's caught in a worm infested version of goat.se.

While the citizens of Smallville try to possess the minds of Superman, Steel, and Lana, Superman and John make the tentacled hole Hiro is caught in look even more like goat.se as they slide their hands inside and try to pull it open even further. Superman can't concentrate though so he freezes the citizens with his cold breath before going back to forcing the hole open.

Holy fuck! Is this what the goat.se guy was trying to get out of his asshole?!

Nice job, Toymaster. Now Smallville is overrun by teleporting clouds, brainwashed yokels, and monstrous aliens. Everybody is fucked.

Action Comics #37 Rating: No change. I think Lana Lang is a superhero now. Since she's an electrical engineer, suddenly she can read brainwaves and sense changes in atmospheric ionization. If that's a thing! She can probably also tell if your remote control batteries are dead just by licking them. Pretty soon she'll be flying around using the power of static electricity and shooting lightning bolts from her eyes. Why not, right? It's just science!

Action Comics #36

Fucking Lego covers.

Regular readers might find this hard to believe, but I hate drama and confrontation. So much so that I just take these fucking Lego covers when my comic book store puts them in my box. I know I can trade them out for the regular cover (and I did for Batman #36), but most of the time I just rush in, make sure I have all my books, answer Peter the Store Owner's question of "What's new?" with "Nothing much" and scurry out as quickly as possible. Then I hate myself for hours afterward. Although coping with the hate allows me to eat a box of Oreos, so it isn't all bad!

Last issue, Lana Lang was in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] whining about how Superman saves the lives of everybody on Earth so much that they're all going to be dead because of it. Way to not do logic, Lana! I bet the zombies that were crawling out of the ground ignore you since there's nothing in your head to feast on!

Superman had just recently come back to town (and by "town," I mean "Earth" (and by "Earth," I mean "our solar system" (and by "our solar system," I mean "our galaxy" (and by "our galaxy," I mean The New 52 Universe (which I probably should have just said from the start))))) and has been checking in with his city and its people to see how they're all doing after Brainiac's attack.

That's the right attitude, Clark! Fuck them! They can do their own Goddamned labor!

Meanwhile, Greg Pak may as well have just spread his ass cheeks and placed his anal sphincter directly on my lips before ripping a huge fart because the whole zombie sequence from last issue was just a dream.

I bet it's called Tromboning when you eat out a guy's ass while giving him a reach around, right? Am I right on that one? This is just like when I invented a drink called the Gojira (or Godzilla as non-Nipponophiles would say) that was one-half Green Monster and one-half Sake. I figured that was too spot on a drink to not have been created already and I looked it up online to find it had been. Although it was called a Godzilla.

Give a girl a little warning, Steel, before you try to shove it up that hole.

This issue is called "Horrorville" so I suspect that John's penis isn't the only thing that's going to make Lana scream before it's over. Maybe the zombies will be real! The dream was a portent! Or did I mean important? It was an importent dream!

Well, Lana has Romero, Craven, Carpenter, and Coscarelli covered. Next will she see two little girls wanting to play with her forever and ever?

It seems Lana Lang is suffering some traumatic brain injury from Brainiac's attack that is causing her to hallucinate pieces of horror movies. We've got Romero's zombies, Craven's nightmares, Carpenter's fog, and Coscarelli's ubiquitous hearse (Coscarelli was the only name I couldn't remember and had to look up. I'm still working on my Grandmaster Horror Movie Watcher badge. I let it lapse for a long time!). Plus the issue was called "Horrorville"! Maybe she'll hear some "chu chu chu mah mah mah" next! Unless you make different noises when doing Jason's theme.

Lana and John follow the hearse to the Smallville Cemetary [sic again!] to discover that Lana's parents have escaped from their graves! That's good news, right? They're alive! Maybe alive in a weird kind of stinky, ravenous undeath...but they're alive!

The fog descends on everybody and even though they were all within five feet of each other (John, Lana, the Sheriff, and the woman driving the Hearse), they suddenly can't see or find anybody else! Whelp, that's what happens when you get covered in quickly descending fog in a horror movie. Also it's always full of dead people.

And sometimes things like this that love to shove its tentacles up the assholes of corpses and use them like puppets.

Superman flies in to punch the alien in the face and make it disappear.

Hey. I have a question. Does anybody in Metropolis wonder why Superman and Clark Kent returned at the same time with the exact same Goddamned beard? No? Nobody? Okay.

Superman finds himself trapped in the fog in Smallville. I guess next issue he'll have to begin looking for clues. The first clue he might find is how everybody in Smallville suddenly has Invasion of the Body Snatchers face.

Action Comics #36 Rating: It's nice to get some smaller stories, right? A break from all the unending cosmic continuity crossovers? I just wish Krypto was involved a bit more than Lana Lang. As far as rankings go, this comic is a standard, middle of the road affair. If you love Superman and if you really love Lana Lang, you probably really enjoy this book. Unless Lana Lang isn't being written correctly! Then you probably hate this book with a passion and wish Greg Pak would die in a gas station men's room bathroom stall. Whatever. I'm not here to tell you what to like! I'm just here to say Action Comics written by Greg Pak is better than some New 52 comic books and not as good as some other New 52 comic books. Go read it yourself! Don't take my word for it!

Action Comics #35

That stuff'll kill you, Superman.

I think this cover is supposed to say "DOOMED AFTERMATH" across it. I can't wait to find out if Superman and Brainiac are now collector's items in Preboot Brainiac's collection!

Turns out, just Brainiac (Vril Dox, to be precise) was tossed into the black hole that must not have been a very good black hole because it didn't crush him at all. Superman did wind up far from Earth though. The black hole's gravity well must have slingshot him into deep space. Far enough away that he grew a full beard on the flight back home. Now, up until this point in The New 52, I don't think Superman has done a lot of flying through deep space. He did head to Krypton's solar system on one or two occasions but it never took him sixty days to get there and back. It seemed more instantaneous. But now that he's spent sixty days "tearing non-stop through endless space," I have a few questions.

How did he breathe? We just saw in Superman Unchained that Superman needs to breathe and that he can't hold his breath for very long. I suppose he could hold it longer when a super powerful alien is not punching him in the throat. But sixty days? And did he choose a route that flew close to a bunch of yellow suns while avoiding those asshole red suns? How did he not just run out of energy and lose his power on the way home? And why does he fly straight through the rings of Saturn instead of going around? Stop fucking up our traditional view of the solar system by warping Saturn's rings, you jerk!

Anyway, Superman finally finds his way back to Earth. But is it the Earth he's actually from?! Dun dun DUN!

Well, whatever Earth he's found, Bruce Wayne is still an asshole control freak.

Supergirl meets Superman while he's falling through the sky thanks to Batman's Anti-Superman Satellite systems. Hey, you can never be too careful, right? He might have come back as Doomsday! Which, as we've seen, is only exacerbated by Kryptonite. So, you know, good job, Batman. You fucking moron.

Speaking of Doomsday, does Superman still have his Doomsday Herpes? Luckily Lois Lane was cured of her Brainiachlamydia at the end of Doomed. The Fortress of Solitude has been smashed to pieces (again! Wasn't it destroyed in Superman Unchained as well? I guess it's easy to rebuild. All Superman has to do is plant a crystal from Krypton) which means Krypto is probably running loose around the neighborhood super fucking all of the other dogs. And what must Wonder Woman be thinking? Her boyfriend has been missing for two months! I hope Wonder Woman took possession of Warworld as conciliation!

Ha ha ha! Omni your way out of that one, Shay!

Look, I'm not going to shed a tear about the disappearance of Scott Lobdell's creation, Shay Veritas, from continuity. But it just doesn't make any sense! Why would she be sucked into The Phantom Zone when she was merely a holographic projection inside the Fortress of Solitude? She can't leave The Block in the center of the Earth for comic book reasons! It looks like the editors and Greg Pak are using the aftermath of Doomed to clean house a little bit. No more easy way to shove villains into The Phantom Zone. No more Shay Veritas telling everybody the answers to everything. No more dangerous menagerie of aliens being kept for the fun of it by Superman. And Supergirl isn't done with the bad news! I bet it's that Wonder Woman and Lex Luthor are now dating.

Supergirl points out that Kandor is also missing and wonders if maybe Brainiac took it. Why doesn't she think it is also in The Phantom Zone? Every other disappearance she credits with the implosion of The Phantom Zone projector. And she's only guessing at those because she mentions how she has searched Earth for traces of Non, Mongul, and the Phantom King only to find no trace of them. Therefore, Supergirl concludes, they are in The Phantom Zone. As is Shay since she's missing. And the menagerie since it's missing. But not Kandor! Kandor is special or something.

I guess I should read further before commenting even if Supergirl spends three panels freaking out about where the Bottled City could have gone and speculating on things other than it being in The Phantom Zone. It turns out she seems to think they're inside since she's relieved to find they should be all right since there is no time in The Phantom Zone. Although time passes while inside or else nobody could ever think through a linear thought and would just be frozen in stasis. I think The Phantom Zone just recycles the same second over and over again so that it seems like linear time but nothing ages or changes.

Superman reboots the Fortress of Solitude which should regrow itself in forty days. Until then, we can all rest easy that we won't have to hear from Omniologist Shay Veritas.

Without a Fortress of Solitude, Superman decides to spend some time as Clark Kent, Investigative Journalist! So he heads to Smallville to find some clues. Or closure. Or something.

I'm dead inside so I don't care about Lana and Clark's relationship.

Clark and Lana head down to the Smallville Cemetary [sic] to visit Lana's parents since they died during Doomed. Lana lets Clark know that she resents him for not saving her parents because she knows him personally so, you know, her people are more important than other people's people. Then she takes him to meet her boyfriend. I hope it's Lex Luthor! Or Krypto!

Turns out it's John Henry Irons. It's obvious what she sees in him! He's a steel driving man!

Later Clark visits with Bruce Wayne who informs Clark that he does not have Doomsday Herpes anymore. Clark decides it's because he flew through a bunch of black holes. Bruce figures that Clark is a lying piece of shit. Clark gives Bruce a small melanoma on his scalp because take that, you smug asshole. Bruce puts an untraceable microscopic tracker inside Superman's cup of tea that is programmed to attach to the inside of Superman's urethra. Superman reads all of Bruce's secret papers with his x-ray vision while they talk. Both of them ignore the palpable, overwhelming sexual tension in the room.

Next on the list of people to get reacquainted with before finding his dog: Lois Lane.

More cleanup!

You know Clark wrote the "Who Needs Superman, Anyway?" article just to find out Lois Lane's reaction to Superman! And apparently she still loves him! Clark has a chance! Clark must have blogged the piece on Clarkcatropolis.com because Lois read it. But it only became popular after Lois reblogged it because a bunch of shallow d-bags read Lois's shitty blog but not Clark's massively intellectual and super entertaining and insightful blog! Where's my Lois? Oh! I remember! Gail Simone is my Lois! The only time anybody notices me is when Gail Simone reblogs something! I like when she likes something I've written and doesn't reblog it because then it's like a secret between us that none of her rabid fans get to share in!

Lois Lane writes a retaliatory piece explaining why Superman is needed. Which is exactly what Clark Kent wanted to hear! What a manipulative little drama weasel! What a compliment fisherman! What a great reporter! He tricked Lois into doing all the research in one article that he couldn't be bothered to perform himself! Now he knows where Baka has been and where Metallo (now Metal Zero, hero!) has been and what Martian Manhunter is doing and Supergirl and Ghost Soldier and lots of other stuff! She even tells him where to find Krypto! Clark Kent is so smart! And lazy!

Lois says some stupid shit, you know the kind she usually writes. But then Lana has a rebuttal to Lois! But Lana doesn't have a popular blog so she just stands in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] and speaks her rebuttal into the wind.

You could have asked J'onn J'onzz to save your parents, you know.

It isn't Clark that startles Lana. It's zombies! No, seriously. It's zombies. Her parents are clawing up out of their graves to eat her brains. Hopefully Clark did hear her and now he'll teach her a lesson. Let her save herself! Although recent portrayals of Lana Lang (all by Greg Pak) have led me to believe that she doesn't have a problem fighting monsters and taking care of herself. I guess she's just feeling particularly sorry for herself and mad at Clark because of her parents' deaths. I think this zombie thing will help move her past that.

Action Comics #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think a lot of comic books are going to feel like they're the best version of the comic that I've ever read now that Futures End Month is over and these comics can settle into a non-crossover rhythm for a few months.

Action Comics #28

Last issue, Superman just beat up Ukur The Beast Lord and his Beastly Sentinels which freed Imperial Subterranea. Now the Queen of the Sunturians Subterraneans is ecstatically preparing for war because everybody in comic books are violent and power hungry. Why can't Superman meet some nice people for a change? Maybe meet a new friend with similar interests like lording your might over the Earthlings and spending a lot of me time in the snow!

Greg Pak apparently can't write more than one comic book a month because he's just writing Batman Loves Superman hear except with Lana Lang playing the part of The Goddamned Batman. Superman thinks something. Then Lana Lang thinks about the same thing but from a different perspective. Then Clark thinks about how Lana was always so this and then Lana thinks about how Clark was always so that.

Besides Ukur and his beasts and the citizens of Imperial Subterranea, there are also these gigantic sun orbs underground.

Kokya the Queen of Imperial Subterranea appears and invites Lana Lang to join her for some lording of might over the peasants. Oh! Okay, there's that nice change of pace I was hoping for! Lana points out that Superman is her slave which makes Superman less comfortable than when Ukur points out that they smell like they're getting each other aroused. I wish this was a scratch and sniff comic book.

Oh yeah. I also forgot that Ghost Soldier was tracking Lana. So he'll probably ruin everybody's good time because he's bitter that his super hero (or villain) name sucks.

Before the party gets underway, Superman discovers that Imperial Subterranea is draining the life of the cute little underground fuzzies to power their sun orbs. And while Superman might look the other way when atrocities are being committed by Uplander human nations, he's not going to allow this kind of unjust treatment of these creatures to go on! But then Ghost Soldier isn't going to allow Superman to not allow this kind of unjust treatment of these creatures to go on. So he, you know, stops him by making him intangible.

Sure, when your best friend Batman says this kind of thing, you argue with him for hours. But a guy you don't know that recently stabbed you in the chest? Take his advice immediately! Superman is a dick.

Oh, Superman isn't as big a dick as I thought after reading the above. When he discusses these philosophical matters with Batman, he at least keeps from acting rashly and generally follows Batman's lead. Here he immediately agrees with Ghost Soldier but then does the exact opposite and attacks Imperial Subterranea anyway! Go Superman! Save the fuzzy wuzzies!

By the way, this is a Fuzzy Wuzzy.

The Queen was apparently expecting Lana and her Slave to try and free the Fuzzy Wuzzies because after Lana and Superman step up to defend the creatures, Queen Kokya says in Runespeak, "Well, that didn't take long. Thank you, Uplander. Now my debt to you is void." One thing I did finally learn about Runespeak from the Queen's Speech is that the capitalized version of a letter is just the same symbol turned upside down. That had been confusing me since I first translated the Runespeak. I knew capital letters were different from the normal alphabet but had yet to notice the pattern to them.

Now that The Queen's debt is paid, her army of stone golems rise up to march on the Uplanders. But Superman and Ghost Soldier and Lana Lang and Baka the Dragon Boy and Ukur the Beast Lord are all here to stop them, so things should settle down in a few pages. And since they're stone creatures, Superman probably feels free to murder them even though he has no idea what might be driving their consciousness.

Anyway, a bunch of rock guys get smashed, Dragon Boy and Lana Lang save a bunch of Fuzzy Wuzzies (and one slightly smaller than gigantic sun orb), and everybody escapes to the surface to get betrayed by Ghost Soldier.

Enh. No big loss.

Action Comics #28 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Fuzzy Wuzzies were the only thing that held my interest this month. It might not be fair to Action Comics since I'm really not in the mood to be reading comic books or writing commentary. But if I don't get at least two done per day, I begin to fall way behind and I'm already a week behind schedule. But right now I've got that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach like my entire life is falling apart and I don't know why and I just want to crawl into bed and watch stupid movies with my cat on my lap. So, you know, sorry about that Superman and Lana Lang but I probably wasn't really paying much attention to you this month.

Action Comics #27

Aww! Is Ukur the Beast Lord looking for his widdle Monster Son?

Glancing over at my bookshelf, I'd forgotten that I have this book:

It was stacked flat on top of a bunch of Sandman Books and Alan Moore trades, lying between House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski and Ring by Koji Suzuki. It was given to me by my friend Mark in Seattle quite a few years ago. I don't remember why. We were both probably very drunk at the time. Here's a picture of the back cover:

I really wish he were holding it with the back cover showing so we could get some infinite recursion going on right in front of his pee pee!

Oh wait! This is cute. This is the cover of the book without the dust jacket.

It's a very interesting book if you like reading about ding-a-lings. And it has lots of great facts like the farthest medically recorded ejaculation was 23.5 inches! I should measure from my penis to my eyeball to see if I have that beat because I'm fairly certain I've hit myself in the eye on occasion while masturbating! That's got to be about two feet, right? I should invite a doctor over to witness my display sometime!

Here's another good one. If you've recently read Genesis, it'll sound familiar. "When taking an oath, our biblical ancestors would place their hands over the testicles of a witness to indicate their sincerity and honesty. Words like "testify" and "testament" all derive from this unique association." Abraham and his descendants go all over the place cupping each others bollocks. And yet nobody runs around shouting that that tradition should be upheld! Fucking hypocrites!

One last picture before I finish reading the Penis Book and actually open up Action Comics #27.

I usually just say masturbation every time I bring it up in my commentaries! I'm so unimaginative!

If you're into books with pictures of cocks that you can leave on your bookshelf in plain view for anybody to see, I highly recommend The Penis Book. It's funny, entertaining, and full of enlightening facts about a guy's constant companion that he probably doesn't really know all that much about. Mostly guys just know where they like to stick it and they stop caring about anything else. Anyway, that's Tess Ate Chai Tea's Book Review Corner!

So Action Comics begins with Clark Kent remembering when he was seven years old and about to fling himself out of a tree because he believes that he can fly. Now, he hasn't had that moment yet where he hovers in mid-air yet, so I don't think he has any real reason to believe that he can fly except for the fact that he knows he won't die when he falls fifty feet and lands awkwardly on his neck. So why not give it a fucking go, right? Plus, he just recently nearly toasted his father with his heat vision. And if you suddenly find that your eyes fire lasers, flying should be a piece of fucking cake, right? But before he throws himself out of the tree for the fourth time in a row, his super-hearing kicks in and he hears Ma and Pa Kent talking about him.

Pa Kent: "He's a little freak, Martha!"
Ma Kent: "Don't say that, Johnny! He's beautiful!"
Pa Kent: "But he ain't human! He's hungry and he's desperate to get his fill!"
Ma Kent: "*giggle* Johnny! Stop it! What if Clark hears?!"
Pa Kent: "Oh, he's out throwing himself out of the tree. We've got time! Now come on! Kiss the little one-eyed freak!"
Ma Kent: "Okay. But I've got my own little drooling alien that's hungry too. And mine's a cannibal! It's going to feast on your freak!"
Pa Kent: "Why Martha Kent! You seductress you! Come here!"
Ma and Pa Kent: *lots and lots of sex noises*
Clark Kent: "Make it stop! For the love of God, how do I stop hearing!?"

After hearing his parents fuck long and hard, Clark finds it difficult to be around them.

Do they explain that not all babies come from outer space in a rocket ship?

Clark is having this memory because he currently has a little dragon boy in a giant cake dish curled up around Superman's cape. The little dragon boy keeps calling Superman stupid in Japanese. It seems to be the only word the kid knows. Or it just recognizes that Superman is actually that nerdy loser Clark Kent.

No, that's your name, stupid! He kind of looks a bit like Teen Titans Cartoon Beast Boy, doesn't he?

The Dragon Boy escapes and begins running around touching all of Clark's stuff. The only thing he ever says is "baka" which should make Superman question whether or not he was correct that the boy is speaking a language. Usually when somebody is speaking another language, they have more than one word for things. But everything is a "baka" to this kid! Maybe his language only has two words! One for himself and one for "The Other."

While Superman tries to figure out Dragon Boy's language (which is really difficult when Dragon Boy calls everything the same thing), Lana Lang calls and tells him she's about to go Lara Croft on the hole out of which the monster emerged. Clark points out that Lana is an electrical engineer and not an archaeologist and that maybe she should wait for somebody else. Lana points out that she's dressed just like Lara Croft plus she has a high-tech gun and what else do you need to explore ancient ruins and also go fuck yourself, Clark?

Lana Lang enters the hole while secretly being followed by Ghost Soldier. Eventually she finds an old ancient ruin with some kind of red sun magic lantern thing hovering above it. This is a bit like the DC Comics Presents issue when Superman and Hawkgirl explored an ancient ruin and were sucked into some kind of a black hole or something. Except this story is different in every single way. Like Lana Lang doesn't have wings.

And Superman was the one to fight the monsters.

At least Lana was prepared to fight giant monsters with her little electric gun she rigged up because she's an electrical engineer. I'm sure she'll be okay. Especially if she can convince the monsters to turn into children.

These must be more shapeshifting children since they're all chained to the walls. I guess their shackles must shapeshift with them. But why would they be chained in these ruins far underground? Is there a possible clue somewhere about who might be behind it?! It must be some kind of Beast Lord or something that's captured them all!

Superman shows up with his new sidekick, Baka the Dragon Boy. And Lana is happy that he's arrived to help but still fuming that Clark called her "just an electrical engineer." Although he didn't call her that. He never said "just," you jerko! He pointed out your chosen field did not grant you the same kind of expertise that you would have if you were an archaeologist and that perhaps you weren't the best suited to go down into some ancient forgotten ruin all by yourself. Especially knowing that at least one monster came out of those ruins. Stop being offended at something nobody even said, Lana. You're just arguing with your own low self-esteem at this point! He didn't even imply anything! The inference was all in your head. Now calm down and start shooting things. But not Superman. Don't shoot Superman!

Oh! Or Baka the Dragon Boy! Sheesh!

Lana and Clark argue for a bit because Lana is a total Backseat Supergirl and The Day After the Game Quarterback! She points out that Superman was supposed to throw cute little Baka the Dragon Boy into the sun. Clark points out that she doesn't sign his fucking paychecks so she doesn't get to tell him what to do. Lana points out that Baka is a monster. Clark points out that Baka speaks another language! Lana points out that it says one fucking word over and over again. Clark points out that Lana is a total bitch. Lana points out that Clark is a sexist fucktard.

Luckily, Ukur the Beast Lord arrives to break up the squabble. Although he actually just causes more trouble by zapping Baka the Dragon Boy and causing Baka to turn into Baka the Very Large and Extremely Angry Blue Dragon. It spits lightning all over the cavern, triggering a cave in. When the dust settles, everybody calms down and takes a few seconds to talk.

Ukur says, "A few words in a strange script. A few words irange scr ipt. Strange script."

Ukur points out that he and his beasts aren't enemies of the above-grounders. He and his monsters protect them from the citizens of Imperial Subterranea! Although that seems to be over now that Lana and Clark got involved. The battle caused some kind of seal to be broken and now the Queen of Imperial Subterranea is ready to take back the Above-Grounders!

Action Comics #27 Rating: -1 Ranking. I liked the first half with Baka the Dragon Boy but the second half is reminding me way too much of Scott Lobdell's Sunturians! Another fucking Imperial civilization that seems to have once ruled Earth and is ready to take it back? I think I might be tired of this story. Again! Dammit, Judd Winick. Now I owe you another quarter.

Action Comics #26

I hope before battling this creature, Superman made sure it wasn't just a misunderstood alien creature, the last of its race, looking for asylum on Earth.

Last issue, Clark Kent was having lunch in Metropolis when he heard Lana Lang and a bunch of miners scream for help as they were attacked by a monster. Instead of being annoyed and ignoring it because he still has ten minutes left on his lunch break like the rest of us would do, Superman flies off to the rescue! Although he might only be making this special trip because he heard Lana Lang scream, "Clark by God if you don't save me right now you will never again get a look at this perfect ass!"

I'm also not entirely sure when this story takes place. I think it's a bit earlier in Superman's career not long after Zero Year. Maybe two years at most? When does he meet Lois Lane and completely forget he ever dated a girl named Lana?

Squat thrusts? Picking up a penny? Imitating The Beast?

Since these miners have dug too deep and released a monster, can I accuse Greg Pak of stealing this story from Lord of the Rings? You know, in the same way that every weeaboo in the world scoffs that The Hunger Games are a rip off of Battle Royale? I just like to go around pointing out that everything was stolen from The Bible. "Meh. Jacob did that first." "*scoff* Can you say King David, anyone?" "Please, that was old when Jesus did it."

Look, I admit it! When I first heard of The Hunger Games, I said, "Oh, like Battle Royale?" But I didn't condemn it and decide it was the worst thing in the world and went around feeling superior because I already knew of a story where kids killed each other in some kind of government sponsored contest of gore. Or I might have gone around feeling superior about that. It's hard to tell since I feel superior all the time about almost everything.

Anyway, Superman arrives to save Lana from the gigantic monster. Yay!

Greg Pak must be stuck in his Batman Loves Superman mode because this and last issue do the same thing where we alternate between the inner minds of the protagonists. This time though we have Lana Lang's thoughts instead of crabby old Batman's. As Superman is worried by the monster (you know "worried," right? When an animal grabs another animal with its teeth and shakes the fuck out of it?), he thinks about how he still feels the need to impress Lana even though he's dating Wonder Woman. Well, that clears up that timeline shit! This is taking place in DC's NOW!

Also, Greg Pak uses "literally" again. He really likes that word. Which was the first inkling that he might not be the best writer in comic book history. My second inkling that he might not be the best was Batman Loves Superman #6. Ugh. What the fuck happened there? I was enjoying it so much up until that Batman becoming a Laser-Eyed Robotic mess controlled by Jimmy Olsen while trying to battle Mongul and high as fuck on Fury Blossoms.

Suzanne Collins also uses literally in places it never needs to be. See how I avoided saying she literally uses literally too much?! That's just the kind of responsible writing you'll find on this blog! It shows my grave restraint and self-control. Although I don't have that much self-control because I still typed it to point out how I avoided typing it.

Who cares if it's Lana's truck, Supes. Perhaps you should think twice before destroying anybody's property while battling the bad guys. You're perfectly capable of using fists and laser eyes.

Superman throws the truck at the monster because it's too late to salvage it simply because Lana is going to be supremely pissed at him. But Superman misses because he's no Arsenal. Why would Superman think he could make a weapon out of a stupid cargo truck? But something odd happens when Superman misses the monster.

I'd like to point you to the caption I placed under the cover of this issue. Thank you. I think I'll allow myself a Level Up for making the call that not everything is always as it would seem. That means I've gone from Initiate Comic Book Reader to Brother Comic Book Reader. Which sounds a bit strange. But that's the next title, dammit! Anyway, I won't be a Brother for long because a little pájaro has mentioned that I'll be leveling up again real soon when I read Vibe #10! I can't wait! I bet it's because we're finally introduced to Purgatorio!

I have the feeling "pájaro" probably has a slang connotation with which I'm unfamiliar. I just meant a little bird told me!

I do prefer it when strangers I meet call me "brother" though. It gives me that thrill that Charlie must have always felt when Desmond was about to save his life again.

I wonder how Krypto is going to feel about Superman bringing home a stray? And how the fuck is Superman going to keep this rescue animal fed? Hopefully it feeds off of sunlight just like Clark does. The whole playing fetch thing sends Superman into a moment of remembrance when he was a young boy in Smallville learning to ride a bike with no hands. Or wheels. Or ground.

The memory is also of Clark's first use of his heat vision when he nearly burned down Smallville. He could tell by his dad's voice that Pa was, even if just a moment, afraid of his son. Clark was a monster.

And then back to the present where Superman realizes the big monster keeps yelling "Stupid!" at everybody.

No, you're a weeaboo!

Superman destroys the Drone Planes firing on the monster. Lang and Sanchez react accordingly to the realization that Superman is helping the monster. Sanchez thinks he's a jerk but Lana trusts him. Even if he did destroy her truck and laugh about it. Dick.

If there wasn't already enough going on, Superman is suddenly attacked by some guy named Ghost Soldier. He wields two knives and a deadly mohawk. He also seems to create rings of fire as he flies. Probably because ghosts aren't supposed to fly that quickly because their ectoplasm reacts to the friction induced by high velocities through the atmosphere.

Ghost Soldier is able to make his knives intangible at will. This allows him to leave one stuck in Superman's chest, probably where his heart would have been if he wasn't Kryptonian. Superman can't control the creature and fight Ghost Soldier while a knife is sticking out of his chest, so he flies the monster back to the Kennel of Solitude before returning to figure out what the fuck is Ghost Soldier's problem.

Except Superman doesn't say anything. He just returns the knife and flies away. Lana realizes Clark was helping the creature so she decides to investigate the hole they were drilling to see if she can't find a clue to this mystery.

Now Pak is stealing from Lovecraft!

Superman feeds the beast back at home and sits back to watch it sleep. That's when it transforms into a little humanoid using Supe's cape as a binkie. Aww.

He should have fucking killed it.

Action Comics #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. That's probably all that needs to be said about this comic but I have something else to say. This was a $3.99 comic book and it only had 22 pages of story! The usual $2.99 books have 20 pages! Those were two very expensive pages, DC! I suppose it could be argued that the book didn't have any advertisements interrupting those twenty two pages of story which, I must say, was nice. But I wonder how much that stupid Mad Magazine insert played into the shortage of pages? Hopefully this is the last time I see that fucking thing! Although I doubt it since it's been infiltrating the December books now.

Action Comics #25

Yay for Zero Year which means no Return of Krypton in this comic book! And no more Scott Lobdell turning in potential scripts to his editors that begin, "Imagine if time had been different...."

DC has expected me to believe a lot of stupid shit since The New 52 began. Now, I realize these are comic books and not plans to build a rocket to Titan, but I still expect a good portion of internal consistent logic. Now with their Zero Year deal, they expect me to believe that all of the heroes just suddenly came out of the woodwork six years ago? I guess if they're willing to clean up the timeline and make it more explicit, I should be happy. I never did quite understand when Superman began making appearances in Metropolis in his t-shirt and jeans. Now I'll know for sure! I think my downtime this weekend should be spent checking out Canonology's gigantic New 52 Timeline on the iPad. I just hope the iPad isn't such an old version that Canonology's graphic crashes it and reduces it to dust and rubble.

This issue begins in Smallville with Lana Lang taking off for adventure in the great big world while Clark's penis makes a sad face.

Aaron Kuder's art continues to be a mite bit goofy. I have a feeling that he's trying to draw a bit too conventionally and I'd really enjoy his art if he let loose with his own style. Kind of how Keith Giffen broke out of the gates with his style back in DC Comics Presents #88 and never looked back.

Lana explains to Clark how she has important things to do with her life and that's not just the misguided dreamy ramblings of a young teenage woman on the cusp of her first orgasm. Speaking of orgasms involving Superman, how the hell does he have one? It's not like he'd feel anything during penetration? I imagine the first few times he ever had sex, he'd orgasm from the sheer excitement of it all. "Am I in? Am I in? Look at her face. Is that the face of a woman with a cock in her? OH MY GOD SHE MADE A PLEASURABLE NOISE!" BAM! Orgasm and shotgun semen wound to Lana's lower pelvis. But after the initial excitement of being with a woman faded, nothing would get that penis off. He could get it caught in a carbine helping Pa in the field and not notice. I guess every sexual encounter he has could end in masturbation but what woman isn't going to feel like a sexual failure when that happens every single time. Perhaps he has a special sex room set up with soft lights which are actually lights developed by STAR Labs to reproduce the light from a red sun? That would work! And it would also make for a good story where Lex Luthor makes this same logical leap while daydreaming about Superman's sex life one day. So he checks all the power grids like DEA Agents searching for pot farms until he finds an anomaly that could only be explained by somebody switching on a Red Sun Bulb!

Why am I telling you my best comic book ideas?! Scott Lobdell might steal them and then I'd wind up writing a scathing commentary on my own ideas!

So Lana points out that Clark also has amazing things he's going to accomplish because how can he not? She knows he's a superboy and expects him to make a name for himself. Besides, her insurance isn't willing to cover the strange scatter-shot wounds she keeps getting in her vagina, uterus, rectum, cheeks, tongue, throat, breasts, and lower back. So he heads out to Metropolis and winds up, four years later and six years from now, well established as Superman.

This scene genuinely confuses me. I really, really like the whimsical, off-the-cuff, casual explanation of these guys, the Supremecists. I love the fat, bald, tattooed rednecks with lasers and the minorities bound up in chains old-school style. What confuses me is this: would I be frothing at the mouth with hate if Scott Lobdell had written this? Have I allowed my bias to get that out of control? Or is this actually as entertaining as I believe it is?

I knew Scott Lobdell would one day send me to the loony bin. But I never thought he would fill me with paroxysms of self-doubt! Maybe it's just my low blood sugar. Come on, normal people! Start opening up places to get food already! Stupid people that live in accordance to the rising and falling of the great, burning celestial orb. I'm hungry! Jerks.

On the next page, Superman Narration Boxes that he's glad they're wearing protective armor.

Umm. That's not protective armor, Clark. That's blubber. Fat. Big belly bones. Moobs.

Next, Superman resorts to the "That all you got?" line which he, at least, acknowledges it as "not the best quip ever." Clark, old boy, it's not even a quip. It's just something you say in two completely opposite situations: when you're kicking ass or when you're getting your ass kicked. I actually wouldn't recommend ever saying it because, believe me, what they've shown up until the point you say that is never "all they got."

See? It looks like Greg Pak is on the same page as me about that stupid fucking line.

Just for transparency's sake, that panel above was on the page after Superman makes the quip, so I didn't know that's how he finished it when I wrote the previous paragraph. Also for transparency's sake, between scanning the man-boob panel and the lasered in the gut panel, I had a bowel movement and I downloaded a mapping program for text adventures! Multitasking for the...well, it wasn't multitasking at all, really. I'd have to chalk it up to "easily distracted" and "urgency," not necessarily in that order.

And now I just had breakfast and read about the Apple's Lisa computer at The Digital Antiquarian which is a terrific site about computer gaming history that I'm slowly making my way through. I found the site when Googling myself (Grunion Guy, that is) and found that he linked to my Adventureland review over at the Interactive Fiction Database website. I highly recommend The Digital Antiquarian if you're interested in the history of PC gaming, software companies, Microsoft and Apple, and all the personalities involved. Fun stuff.

Now back to Superman getting his ass blasted by The Supremacist's MegaMech! It doesn't last long. He rallies and wins the day!

And is a completely sore winner about it all.

Clark is probably still a bit full of Smallville high school survival machismo and doesn't realize he shouldn't be acting like such a bastard when he saves the day. He probably doesn't learn that lesson until Lois Lane prints "Superman" and "douchebag" in the same article.

Later Clark hears about the hurricane headed toward Gotham and how much trouble the city is having due to masked vigilantes and some guy named The Riddler and corrupt cops and some asshole with a bow and arrow and a super loser trying to bomb the reservoir. So he thinks, "Why not add myself to the mix?! I'm super awesome! Ha ha ha ha!" Fucking douchebag. Actually, he decides he's going to stop the hurricane. What an arrogant prick. He can't even fly yet! What's he going to do? Try to burn it up with his laser eyes?

He's got laser eyes! He knows what you're thinking! Comes as no surprise! Christmas lights are blinking! He's Tofurious! And he's Tofurious! And he's Tofurious! He's got laser eyes!

Meanwhile off the coast of Gotham, Lana Lang is on a tanker trying to fix the electrical systems as most of the crew is evacuated. She's apparently an electrical engineer which is totally unbelievable! What kind of electrical engineer roams the world having adventures?! That's not cliche enough for me to believe! I wonder if she has a problem stemming from an abundance of Gamma Radiation and that's what keeps her on the move? Little does she know that, one day, she's going to become a Mind Zombie living inside Clark Kent's head!

Luckily Superman fails at stopping the hurricane so that he can become reacquainted with Lana.

Somebody is stealing Aquaman's thunder!

Superman helps keep the ships from colliding as Lana Lang also struggles to restart the engines to do the same. Stuff happens and somebody saves the day and everybody survives! Yay! And Superman learns that he doesn't have to be stronger than a hurricane to save the world. He just has to be strong enough to help the Earthlings as they struggle to save the world and themselves every day.

Then there's a back up story that only cost one extra dollar! It's called "Lunch Break." It's about Clark Kent having lunch. It ends with Lana Lang being attacked by a monster deep underground in Valle de los Olvidados, Venezuela. It continues next month!

Action Comics #25 Rating: +5 Rankings! Yes, I did enjoy this issue very much. And, yes, I also enjoyed the absence of Scott Lobdell. Both feelings are worth a substantial number of ranks raised! My favorite line from this issue from Lana Lang: "Hate to say I told you so...but OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" I have still yet to see why my friend J.T. hates Greg Pak. I've really enjoyed his version of Superman in this and Batman Loves Superman. Good times!