The Man of Steel #1

Imagine trying to get fans rabidly excited about a new Superman event and the only adjective you can come up with is "weekly."

I've never read anything by Bendis (aside from that Superman advertisement in that twenty-five cent comic book). I'm only saying that because if Bendis Googles for reviews of this comic book, I wanted to warn him right up front that some writers haven't been able to handle my comic book reviews. Some reactions have been "I'm Cullen Bunn and you're terrible!" and "You're the meanest jerk and I should know because I'm Cullen Bunn!" and "You have no right to say those things about me, Cullen Bunn!" On the other hand, I have had some positive reactions like these: "I want to take you out behind the handball court and get you pregnant with my Gail Simone babies," and "Yeah, security? This is Tom King and that guy offering to suck my dick is bothering me again," and "I don't know who this guy is but I, Scott Lobdell, like him a lot!" In other words, there's a fifty percent chance that I'm about to forever ruin any chance of becoming Brian Michael Bendis's new best friend.

Maybe I should change that from a fifty percent chance to a ninety percent chance because before I even read this comic, I'm already biased against it. I can't stand any comic by a hot shot creator comes on the scene and knocks all the pieces onto the floor before shitting on Dan DiDio's desk and saying, "I'm going to do whatever I want!" Don't get me wrong! I like that scenario a lot! But it definitely biases me on the comic. I mean, are we really going to get yet another comic book by a writer who says, "You thought you knew everything there was to know about Superman's past! But you were wrong! Now eat it, DiDio!"?

Remember when Krypton exploded for reasons that weren't due to a genocidal cosmic maniac insisting that all Kryptonians needed to be wiped out to save the universe? That was before the first four pages of this comic book were published. We're in a new era now: the Brian Michael Bendis Era! Tell me how it really went down, Mister Bendis! I never did like the pansy ass passive way the world blew up due to whatever the Kryptonians did wrong. Too much fracking or sodomy or whatever. This is so much more exciting to make one monster behind it all! It'll finally give Superman somebody he can punch in the face to relieve him of his pain from the loss of his family! Not that he really focuses on that pain much. But he will once he hears the name "Rogol Zaar" and also about three or four hours of new Kryptonian history which should really get him wound up!

Rogol Zaar is a combination of Lobo, Battalion, and Perry White.

The part of the story we all still know because I'm assuming it's the same is that Superman escaped the death of Krypton. That means Rogol Zarr is probably about to learn that a baby survived and he's going to blow his frontal lobe. He's going to have such a murder boner going to complete his act of genocide that Superman is going to be all, "Whoa, dude. I think you have the wrong idea about me and my sexy body," when they finally meet.

In the opening scene in Metropolis, Superman makes friends with Killer Moth and Firefly. Then when he deals with a fire in a high rise, he imparts some of his mother's wisdom on the reader: "Fire is fire." So I guess in Bendis's retelling of the Superman myth, Ma Kent was a simple woman.

At the scene of the fire, Superman meets a female firefighter with whom he flirts. He's all, "You should call Clark Kent and tell him all about this tomorrow. Don't call Lois though! Lois can't find out Clark is talking to you and probably having lunch with you maybe?" Then he flies off and female firefighter Melody Moore causes more water damage to the smoldering building.

You understood that was a filthy joke, right?!

I'm beginning to see why people like Bendis. He has characters talk a lot. Talking a lot is always good. It's much better than characters shouting shallow one liners at one another in an attempt to fool the reader into thinking the writer knows what they're doing. In this brief post-fire scene, we see that Superman is kind and thoughtful and not averse to stepping out on Lois Lane.

Most of the issue is Superman and Clark Kent going about their day to day business. It's really all I ask of a comic book! Especially when those things are filled with conversations that build characters rather than first person omniscient narration boxes which tell the reader exactly what's going on and leave no room for ambiguity. Like if this were written by Scott Lobdell, Superman would have thought, upon meeting the firefighter, "She really wants to lick my butthole! But I would never let her because I love Lois Lane so much!" But without the narration boxes, the reader simply gets knowing looks and crooked little smiles and I think I might have noticed a slightly larger bulge in Superman's red underwear. Bendis allows me to jump to the awful conclusions I want to jump to rather than reining me in and telling me exactly what's going on so I can't have any dirty fun.

Filling in the negative spaces of Superman's life is the story of Rogol Zaar and how he wanted to destroy Krypton but the Council of Eternal Elders tells him he can't. He probably still will but that's for another issue. By the end of this issue, Lois says something that's actually funny and then Superman, Lois, and Jon all disappear in a fade to white. That's supposed to keep you excited for the next weekly installment of this weekly Superman event. So week!

Rating: I so wanted to shit all over Bendis's writing the way Bendis shit all over DiDio's desk but instead I wound up enjoying this story. I sincerely appreciate when Superman is written as a kind person with a subtle sense of humor and a raging hard on for redheads. Hopefully Issue #2 will suck so I can let loose this shit that I now have to hold in! Quick! Somebody get me an Ann Nocenti comic book so I can relieve myself!

P.S. For more terribly vulgar comic book reviews, subscribe to the E!TACT Newsletter!. It's terrific!

Batman #22

Dead mothers can take care of themselves! Dead mothers don't find your porn under the bed!

Batman and The Flash have taken a trip to the Flashpoint Universe via the most ridiculous invention in the DC Universe (which is pretty ridiculous because this is the place where Doc Magnus developed Butt Plugs with Personalities): the Cosmic Treadmill! It didn't exist for a while because DC had outlawed time travel. But DC realized that they had made a huge editing mistake by trying to contain their universe into a manageable and coherent place where every story made sense in the context of every other story. The biggest mistake they made was hiring idiot writers who couldn't follow the script and used time travel anyway. No wait. The biggest mistake was not realizing how many people would stop reading their comic books after they threw about a third of their characters into limbo. I'm not surprised, though, that The New 52 began by giving Barry Allen Mommy Issues. You can't have a main character whose direction in life hasn't come from the death of one or both parents. Okay, maybe Wonder Woman never suffered the death of a parent but she did suspect that the vase in the foyer that was shattered while playing basketball in the house may have been her father.

What I'm trying to say is that Batman and The Flash are about to make some big time changes to DC Continuity. I suspect most of the damage has already been done with Preboot Superman's merger with New 52 Superman. Although if Mister Manhattan changed everything so drastically once, can't he do it again at any time? It's hard to know what causes him to do anything when he can't experience motivation since he already knows how everything turns out. I suppose the only reason to change the universe when you already know, in the future, that you change the universe is that you know you can't stop yourself from changing the universe so you might as well go ahead and change the universe just like you knew you were going to.

The Flashpoint universe still exists because time doesn't work the way comic book characters think it does. Thomas Wayne thought that by helping The Flash, his timeline's present and future would change. But it didn't because ha ha! Only the person traveling through time gets to experience the changes they made, you dum-dum! You're still stuck in the universe where Bruce Wayne died in an alley and that's never going to change. Although you could travel with The Flash on that stupid Cosmic Treadmill to get some of that sweet, succulent new timeline living!

Anyway, Thomas Wayne is just about to blow himself up (along with the Amazon and Atlantean assassins entering the manor) when The Flash and Batman arrive.

Fuck Flashpoint! I want them to arrive in The Watchmen's universe!

Well, if you're going to have a character outright state the nonsense you want the reader to believe, who am I to shit all over your desperate need for things to be the way you say they are? Fine. It's the same timeline! Whatever! Fuck you!

The Flash goes on to explain: "The Flashpoint was never an alternate world. It was an alternate history." That's the same kind of stupid nonsense that DeFalco and Lobdell used to piss in the face of The New 52's no time travel regulations. It's a pretend distinction! Alternate worlds are just alternate histories. At best, it's semantics. "Oh, this future is definitely the future that arose out of this past but it's a shitty future so let's go back and change the past to make this future different." By describing them as alternate histories, you simply pretend one ceases to exist. But guess what? Flashpoint didn't cease to exist! So maybe you've got your science wrong, Barry!

The juggling of the whole time travel/alternate history/infinite Earths science thing becomes too tricky so a fight scene breaks out to distract the reader. Anyway, The Flash had the last word on what's happening and we just have to believe him. It's a comic book, after all. Nothing ever makes too much sense!

The Flash fixes the Cosmic Treadmill but there's only room for three people. Which is why Thomas Wayne stays behind to die because he can't count. But he does give Batman some advice after not knowing him as an adult at all. He tells him not to be Batman. As if he knows what Bruce Wayne has been through. What he's doing is what all fathers do to their sons. He's projecting his own faults and aspirations and mistakes and ambitions onto him. He believes he's giving Bruce good advice to not be Batman. He even tells him to be a father to his son. What kind of a father would Bruce be to Damian if he weren't Batman?! Damian would laugh in his stupid non-Bat-face! Instead of being all, "Dad! DAD! I LOVE YOU!", Batman should have been all, "Get stuffed, motherfucker! I am my own maaaaaaan!"

Bruce and Barry disappear on the treadmill and Thomas Wayne leaps into the engulfing whiteness of existence coming to an end while screaming, "We rise!" It's like a motivational poster still hanging in an empty office by one staple and partially covered in vomit.

It's a statement, dummies! It's as close as Geoff Johns is ever going to get to apologizing for The New 52!

On the way home, Eobard Thawne runs past them with the button. He lets them know that he knows who made the button so powerful and he's going to go beat that person's ass! Hee hee. He's actually going to die but he doesn't know that yet! Although, if you think about it, I don't know that yet either. I mean, what if this is an alternate history and not an alternate Earth? Or, um, what if it's an alternate Earth and not an alternate history? I mean...I'm confused. What I'm realizing is that even though Reverse-Flash died in Batman #21, DC Comics doesn't really know how to deal with time travel, so maybe that was just a time fart and he'll actually be saved by Batman and The Flash now. I have no confidence in the final issue of this story being any better than these previous three issues. There's a reason I dropped Joshua Williamson's The Flash comic. He's just not on my list of writers who don't make me bang my head on the desk for forty minutes after reading something they wrote.

The Ranking!
-1! I could have given this issue a pass except for that part where The Flash over-explains how Flashpoint is the real timeline. Okay. Got it! Nothing fucking matters in the DC Universe.

Batman #21

This cover is haunted.

My cousin Jehoshaphat has been soaking his underwear in anticipation of this story. He's never even read The Watchmen but he's heard it's really good and he knows that the button was big in the Watchmen branding in the eighties. He probably expects me to explain all of the Watchmen references to him. I expect that I'm going to lie about a lot of them when I do.

I just noticed how thin they've made the lenticular covers. What a great advancement! Although it still adds an extra dollar to the price. What a rip-off.

The issue begins in Arkham Asylum where the inmates have been allowed to watch a hockey playoff game between the Gotham Blades and the Metropolis Mammoths. One of the insane people watching is Saturn Girl and she begins to flip the fuck out because apparently somebody is killed during this hockey game which leads to the entire Legion of Super-heroes being killed. That's crazy. She definitely belongs in Arkham. A playoff hockey game has never mattered at all in the history of anything.

Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batman is obsessing.

Batman sets the button down next to Psycho Pirate's mask (which he really shouldn't leave lying around like that) which causes a rip in the Speed Force. Oh good! I was hoping the story would be absolute and utter nonsense! I suppose you can't have a story about changes in DC Continuity without the Speed Force being involved somehow.

Batman calls up Flash to let him know that he's getting his stupid speed force all over his shit and The Flash is all, "Start the sixty panel battle with Reverse Flash countdown. I'll be there just in time to not help!"

This Reverse Flash isn't the Danny West Reverse Flash who was sent back in time in the pages of Suicide Squad (which totally wasn't a death and didn't count even if he has yet to reappear). No, this is the Eobard Thawne Reverse Flash. I think that means he's a lot scarier. Apparently he was dead until the button had Speed Force sex with the Psycho Pirate Mask. Now he's been born again and he's ready to beat the crap out of Batman! I bet he also knows some secrets like how he was killed by The Watchmen so that he wouldn't interfere with their editing of DC Continuity.

Reverse Flash finds Bruce's letter from his Dad From Another World. He recognizes it as the Thomas Wayne from his world so this Eobard is from Flashpoint. Hell, it's Eobard Thawne. He's probably from all the continuities and realities and futures and pasts and Speed Forces.

Eobard must be speaking in super speed because I can't fit each of these bits of dialogue into one second.

Reverse Flash possibly kills Batman because The Flash is late. Then Reverse Flash picks up the button and pulls the old "Crisis on Infinite Earths Disintegrating Revelation" routine. The Flash was delayed because he tried to save the hockey player who was beaten to death on the ice due to nobody in Arkham listening to Saturn Girl's warning. By the time Barry arrives at the Batcave, he finds what's left of Reverse Flash and what's left of Batman.

The Ranking!
-1! I know this is just the first issue and it's supposed to tease the reader with intense plot boners but I was hoping for a little more than just a brawl between Reverse Flash and Batman. On the positive side, more people died in this issue of the comic than have died in the current run of Suicide Squad! Possibly more than the last several runs of Suicide Squad! That book has a terrible name.

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #1

This series promises to have the best fuckfights in the history of the DCU.

I just glanced at a Starbucks napkin I'm using to wipe my runny nose (not because I'm sick but because I sneezed recently and have been too lazy to blow my nose. I was busy Photoshopping a bed onto the cover of this comic book!) and realized Starbucks is as old as me. That might be a boring way to begin this commentary but the other way I was thinking about beginning it was too depressing. You see, while many people have complained that 2016 has been a terrible year because of the heartbreak caused by the people who have died (ignoring the political disaster because can't I just ignore that? Please?), I have felt nothing. I knew when David Bowie died that I should feel something but I didn't. I just don't have that thing inside of me that other people have where they feel intimately tied to an artist. Love, I guess? Empathy? Compassion? Probably all of those. It's sort of the same blank void that exists in the space of my memory where the suicide of Kurt Cobain lies. I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal if not for seeing news reports of terribly sad people all over the country. But as 2016 went on, I began to feel something. Or the lack of something, really. Everybody was getting angrier and angrier at this year due to the celebrities dying and none of it made a blip on my emotional radar. In 2016, I began to realize that maybe something inside of me truly was broken and all of my cynical, self-deprecating posts about my inability to love weren't cynical at all. Because none of the tragedies of 2016 have meant anything to me. And yet George Michael dying on Christmas Day can't be anything less than our 2016 Christmas Carol moment when the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-To-Come points at Scrooge's grave to warn every one of us, without any subtlety at all or fucks to give, that if we don't change our ways, this will be the last Christmas for everybody. But if I'm the Scrooge in this Christmas Carol, I'm completely unperturbed and unaffected. I'm buying the fattest goose in the market for myself because, as I pointed out, I still feel nothing. And so if 2016 has been a terrible year for everybody else in one way, it was also terrible for me in another. This was the year I became completely disconnected from everybody else. It is the year I realized my apathy is all I, apparently, have left. Happy Boxing Day!

This issue makes a huge statement by beginning in Death Valley. See how it has death in the name? Ominous! It also has valley in the name which is less ominous, being just a low lying depression which — let's face it — if all you've got by the end of this year is a "valley," you're doing all right! The first panel also uses a quote from John Steinbeck: "Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts...perhaps the fear of a loss of power." I've probably said it before so I won't say it again.

No wait. That's a stupid thing to write! I'll just repeat myself for clarity's sake: John Steinbeck is this country's greatest writer and it's a fucking shameful catastrophe that he's overshadowed by hacks like F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway and that jerk who wrote Moby Dick! I mean, maybe some of those previous guys weren't hacks. But isn't that the way to debate? I have to lie about the other side to prop up my argument? Not that John Steinbeck needs any propping up! Just go fucking read some of his books. I won't even recommend a specific book because you can pick up any of them and it will be the greatest book you've ever read. Sure, I have other books by other authors that I generally rank better than any Steinbeck book. But that's just a polling error! Sure, I fucking love and adore Catch-22 possibly more than any of Steinbeck's novels. But what else is Heller fucking offering me after that? Something Happened?! Get the fuck out of here with your bullshit, Heller! If you want a book you'll love which will lead to dozens of other books you'll also love, read Kurt Vonnegut. I mean, John Steinbeck! I mean, I guess Kurt Vonnegut will do in a pinch as well. But, while every one of Vonnegut's books is entertaining, they're like puddles of piss lying next to Steinbeck's Mona Lisas. That was a terrible analogy to make and now I'm ashamed of everything I've ever written.

I will say it's a smart move on Williamson's part to stick that Steinbeck quote in there early. Now this book has that kind of pretentious swagger that makes me start off thinking it can't be too bad, no matter how boring I usually find Williamson's writing!

Underneath Death Valley, a secret man with mind control powers (Max Lord, of course! I guess it isn't so secret since he was in that spoilery double page pull-out wall poster monstrosity of an advert) is breaking into a more secret prison.

This is a better idea than Liefeld's idea of Lobo being held in a regular old prison in Colorado.

For a super secret prison with probably the best security ever, they sure dropped the ball on protecting it against villains with mind control powers. I suppose just like every other security measure ever invented, the prison is simply about the illusion of keeping people safe from the worst cosmic threats to Earth's populace. Everybody knows no safety measure can be one hundred percent guaranteed to keep people safe so why even bother making those measures with a fifty percent guarantee? Or even a twenty-five percent guarantee? Just name the place the Catacombs, bury it in Death Valley, and try not to tell too many people about it's existence. Then find a nearby Roman with a bowl of water and wash your hands. Project done!

Max and his Monsters walk off into the sunset because he forgot to bring the pale horses or a car. Then there's a double splash page of the name of the comic book which just seems like DC trying too hard to remind everybody that this is a fucking blockbuster movie of a comic book, bitches!

After that is another double splash page of the Suicide Squad killing people on a beach while Harley screams something suitably "crazy trite" which just seems like DC trying even harder to remind everybody that this is a fucking blockbuster movie of a comic book! I didn't add the "bitches" this time because I'm trying to be more sensitive to the people who hate that word even though it's the perfect tagline of a word for when you want to not just say a sentence but stab somebody in the face with it.

The Suicide Squad's mission is to stop the Brimstone Brotherhood from destroying the island of Badhnisia with a stolen Quake Pulsar from STAR Labs. Nothing in that statement explains why this is a job for the Suicide Squad. It's more a job for the Justice League! Oh, maybe this is how they'll come into contact, right? Although that still doesn't explain why the Suicide Squad has been sent on this mission. There must be some kind of diplomatic entanglement that could ensue if pro-American superhero forces get involved. Although who is left on Earth who doesn't recognize the Suicide Squad at this point? Doesn't everybody just shake their heads and think, "Fucking United States. Getting around international law yet again by pretending to have nothing to do with this violent action!" Then they probably chuckle at how silly America is and how powerless they are to stop them.

Oh, there's the explanation! Although sending in the Suicide Squad would also draw attention to it, I would think. This was one Waller should have left to the Justice League entirely. Why wouldn't they stop the destruction of an island nation? Just leave a message on the Bat-Answering Machine.

The Justice League will need to get involved at some point, being that the title of this comic book mentions them a bit. So they'll probably arrive and blame the Squad for some kind of international terrorism. Or Batman will notice that Amanda Waller downvoted one of his comments on Reddit which will drive him to finally bringing up the Suicide Squad problem to the Justice League.

The scene on the beach gives new readers a quick overview of the Suicide Squad by punctuating their names with lame quips to flesh out their one-dimensional personalities. It also gives readers an opportunity to see that Captain Boomerang loves to harass the women on the team. I'm not sure if that's his personality or if Williamson just thinks all Australians are like that? It's okay to reduce Australians to stereotypes because it's basically just a country of white males. I mean, if you ignore the people who lived their before the white males arrived. And I think Australian women fit snugly under the category of "white male."

Having a new member, Killer Frost, in the scene also allows Harley to explain how the Suicide Squad are forced to do Amanda's work due to the bombs in their heads. And now that that's all set up and everybody is on board with what the Suicide Squad is, how it functions, and who its members are, it's time for the Justice League!

I haven't read Batman's "I Am Suicide" story arc yet but to sum it up, it sounds like Amanda Waller downvoted one of Batman's comments on Reddit. Batman worked with her and the team to get something he wanted. But when he discovered Amanda broke into the Batcave and went through his shit, that was when he decided she needed to be punished. What better way than convincing the other members of the Justice League that she and her organization are exactly the kind of thing they should be fighting? Nobody really questions Batman's statement about working with her. I seriously doubt anybody questions Batman on anything anymore.

So basically the premise of this book will be that the Justice League tries to stop the Suicide Squad because they're bad. But then they realize they need to team up with the Suicide Squad because Max Lord's Super Suicide Squad is even worse. Afterward, the Justice League will realize the Suicide Squad has a place and maybe they're less bad and more of a gray area which the heroes can simply pretend doesn't exist. They won't like it but they won't deny the efficacy of Waller's program.

Cyborg interrupts Batman to say, "Speak of the devil!" He then points everybody to a monitor showing the current violence on Badhnisia. Time for the first huge fuckfight of the series!

Back on the island, Deadshot shoots Apex, the leader of the Brimstone Brotherhood, in the head and ends the mission. But not before Apex used the Quake Pulsar enough to cause structural damage all over the island. The building Deadshot was shooting from begins to collapse.

Finally! An actual suicide in a Suicide Squad comic book!


Dammit!

Just so everybody knows I'm not a complete and utter fool like it says in my future Wikipedia page, I typed up the code for the second image and the "Dammit" caption before turning the page and while scanning the image of Deadshot killing himself. Because we all knew what was going to happen there, amirite?

The rest of the Justice League save the innocent people who most people would have saved before saving Deadshot but Superman is special in that way that makes most people think, "I can't stand that fucking idiot."

Batman confronts the Suicide Squad and says, "What if we hadn't been here to stop that building from collapsing?" Whoa, whoa, whoa! That isn't on Deadshot or the rest of the Squad! That's on STAR Labs for not immediately reporting the stolen Quake Pulsar to the Justice League so that maybe they could stop this disaster from happening! What the fuck is going on at STAR Labs? Who the fuck is in charge of the dangerous earthquake devices that maybe STAR Labs shouldn't be creating in the first place? Maybe fire people who aren't ready to accept responsibility for their errors instead of pretending that the Quake Pulsar wasn't stolen at all and just covertly calling up one of their friends at Task Force X to see if they could resolve the problem on the DL?

Lame is an ableist term, you disgusting piece of human garbage that should immediately be thrown out of the Justice League and never given any kind of opportunity at a life again without the constant reminder that you once used an ableist term!

Waller commands Deadshot to not let the Justice League take them alive. I don't think Batman is going to be too happy about that. I hope the last panel of this entire series is just a silent panel of Bruce Wayne, Max Lord, and Amanda Waller enjoying appetizers at a Karaoke Bar in Gotham City.

The first major fuckfight begins and here are the double page spread match-ups and their probably results:

Wonder Woman vs Harley Quinn: Harley unconscious in one second. She may be smart and athletic but she's not super fast, super strong, super invulnerable, or super hot. I mean, okay, maybe these two match up well there.
Deadshot vs Batman: Batman wins on both the physicality of the encounter and the quips.
Captain Boomerang vs The Flash: Captain Boomerang wins because The Flash stops to say, "Missed me!", before remembering that boomerangs come back.
Simon Baz vs El Diablo: Simon Baz might not be the best Green Lantern but he's still a fucking Green Lantern. Simon Baz encloses El Diablo in an airtight bubble and extinguishes his flame.
Superman vs Enchantress: Enchantress uses magic and Superman doesn't hit women. He's fucked.
Jessica Cruz and Cyborg vs Killer Frost: I don't think this match-up matters. I think it was just the "Who do we have left?" match-up.
Aquaman vs Killer Croc: Oh, who cares?

Meanwhile, Max Lord is briefing his new team while his nose bleeds. I think that means he's controlling them with his mental powers so that they don't instantly kill him. His new team is composed of the Emerald Empress (who is in the 21st Century for who knows what reasons), Doctor Polaris (who appeared in Futures End which was in the future so, um, again...why is he here now?), Johnny Sorrow (who was like on a whole other world or something, wasn't he?! What is going on?!), Lobo (who isn't a twat anymore so at least that's good news even if everything is super confusing), and Rustam (who I can't remember if he's made an appearance since The New 52 began. I just searched my Blogger for "Rustam" and came up with nothing, so I guess he's still angry at Amanda Waller and the Suicide Squad from the Preboot universe). Apparently Max Lord thinks all of these villains will work for him because they hate Amanda Waller so much. Do they? I hope that's explained at some point! Anyway, Max Lord thinks he's going to save the world with this crew. I guess in Max's mind, "saving the world" and "destroying all humanity" are the same thing. He apparently doesn't understand that what people mean when they say "Save the world" or "Save the planet" is that they want to ensure a world where humans can continue to live well. He's taking the statement way too literally, I think!

The Ranking!
So far, so good! I like it in the way I like my comic books. It's sort of stupid with many of its premises but Lobo is in it.

Suicide Squad #1

Okay! That's about my threshold for Jim Lee's art! Hopefully the cover was all he could finish before the issue was ready to ship.

The Commentary!
I was recently asked what I feel nostalgic for and one of the main things is probably my twenties. Not for any particular experience alone but for the general mindset of being in one's twenties. It's probably the best decade for an atheistic existentialist. I was an adult in full control of my life and yet, even though I didn't necessarily feel immortal, I knew I could defer mortality for my thirties. My twenties was a time when I knew I would have a whole lifetime ahead of me even after they were over, so why not spend them doing whatever the fuck I wanted? Some people probably get hives reading that attitude toward a person's twenties and think, "But you could have gotten started on your future financial security!" I suppose when I'm in my sixties, maybe I'll think differently about the way I spent my twenties, but I'm more of an eat dessert first and then don't eat the shit you don't want to eat and then maybe have dessert again later kind of people. My twenties were there to do as much acid as I could without the knowledge of my mortality turning every trip into a spiraling disaster of self-pity. My twenties were for traveling, across the country and across Asia, because after leaving home, I didn't have any kind of responsibilities anchoring me to any specific place. But mostly there's a kind of openness to a person's twenties. It's the last time your future is going to be composed of infinite possibilities. When I entered my twenties, I had no idea what my life would be like in my thirties. But as I entered my thirties, I was fairly certain I knew quite a bit about where my life would be entering my forties. And as I entered my forties, I sure as shit know where I'll be when I enter my fifties, unless something completely tragically random happens. That's, you know, always a possibility! Which is why I figured spending my twenties like a rock and roll vagabond was my best bet! I feel like my twenties could have been a disaster and I'd still be nostalgic for the philosophical mindset that I had during that decade of my life. There was a freedom to being able to put your life on hold because there were still many more decades to follow. Being unencumbered, in every sense of the word, meant I was as free as I would ever be. I suppose I could head back up to Snoqualmie and sleep outside on top of a picnic bench in a campground in the mountains while watching a meteor shower to try to relive some memories of the time but it wouldn't be the same. Because back then, I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be and nothing driving me in any direction. Now, I'd be lying there thinking, "Well, I have to get back to work in a few days and probably feed the cat and maybe let the Non-Certified Spouse know that I haven't died and then there's rent and bills and fuck me why aren't I dead already?" Hmm. That turned darker than it should have. I just meant to point out that it's the particular mindset of my twenties that I feel nostalgic for because I can never have that kind of freedom from responsibility and my own mortality ever again.

This issue begins with Amanda Waller contemplating the existence of evil in the world. "Evil" is a loaded word. When religious people want you to admit that evil exists, they mean something far more terrifying than mere actions. I never admit to anybody who asks that evil exists even if I think the things that some people do are evil. Because when asked that question, they're asking about some effusive substance that can enter the hearts and heads of normal men and women and turn them from a righteous and peaceful path. What they're never asking is if some people simply do evil shit because they simply suck. Would I say some act that resulted in any number of people dead an evil act? Sure. Would I go so far as to say the person was evil? Probably not. People are complicated creatures who do a lot of stupid and evil shit for reasons we can never fully understand. But one of those reasons is not that they were infiltrated by some caustic energy that turned them into an evil entity that has lost all humanity. Even many serial killers I wouldn't claim were evil because I understand, somewhat, how minds can be disastrously fucked up for a myriad amount of reasons. Although maybe the Nightstalker, Richard Ramirez, was evil! But that's as far as I'll admit to believing in evil. That dude was scary! Plus he was brought down by a bunch of regular citizens and that makes for a great story about good triumphing over evil! Even though I totally don't believe in evil! Don't fucking argue with me, Soy Rakelson!

Also don't argue with me if you're not Soy Rakelson because a lot of that was just anti-Soy Rakelson sentiment. It's like a callous built up in my brain due to my high school Catholic friend's constant attempts to get me to admit that evil is real so that he could pull me into his religious frame of mind and help save my soul. Why couldn't he just shut up and play Tecmo Bowl in silence?!

So, um, Amanda is thinking about how she's happy to find people to pay the price in her war against evil. That's her sacrifice: finding people to sacrifice. It's a tough job but nobody really has to do it. She just likes doing it. So it's, um, not much of a sacrifice then, is it? But I think it keeps her away from her kids! That's the sacrifice! Whew! I knew there was something there. Thanks artwork for showing that framed picutre of Amanda's family!

This issue is called "I Wanna Be Sedated" because there weren't enough musical cues in the first five minutes of the Suicide Squad movie. Now I'm being told how to feel by a soundtrack in a comic book that I have to sing in my own head!

Just as I thought! Jim Lee is already having trouble drawing an overweight person!

Amanda, Rick Flag, and Katana have come together to build the first team of the series. Amanda tells Katana, "Gimme a five-strong team this time." What the hell is that about? Amanda is allowing Katana to pick who goes on missions? That's not like Amanda at all! She controls everything around her! She manipulates it all! She would never allow...oh! I get it. Amanda knows who Katana will pick and they're the people Amanda wants on the team so she's letting Katana feel like she has some power and control! Oh, Amanda! You're the best! You even made people think the Suicide Squad movie had no plot because it was all about how you convinced the government to fund your group with the help of one of the people in your group you knew you couldn't control and by her losing control, you gained an opportunity to show the government what your team can do while also eliminating the person you couldn't control. Such a fat, fat genius!

I like how Belle Reve is set up in this issue. Amanda has a control center which has access to every cell in the complex. The cells are moved about so that the criminals can be brought to the command center still in there cell. It gives the illusion that a Squad can be made up of any of dozens of supervillains. Of course, we already know most of the characters that will be used over and over again because DC Comics doesn't really know how to best utilize the Suicide Squad anymore. It's still just full of characters that won't be killed and one that brings all the money to the yard.

Wait a second now. Harley Quinn gets to have guns in her cell? And Boomerang his boomerangs? Is the the Belle Reve Hilton?

In the previous scan, Amanda calls the Squad "moral ingrates." What the fuck does that mean? "I'm ungrateful for morals! Nyah!" And, let's face it, what the fuck is wrong with her beginning her speech to them with "criminal filth"? She might as well just spit on them all as she hands out assignments. I guess this shows how much she's sacrificing! She can't stand to be in the presence of these moral ingrates but she'll do it for her country and to save innocent lives! Oh, Amanda! You're such a martyr!

On an irrelevant note, I'm super horny for June Moon.

Deadshot is all pumped to go kill somebody, so he's a good fit for the team. Harley also loves the dirty work so she's not going to give Amanda any problems. Killer Croc's only request is that the Squad doesn't go into space which seems like a really stupid request because what is there to fight in space? Did a Russian get space madness on the international space station and steal one of the American's box of Oreos? And now he needs to be killed for it? But, you know, covertly! Captain Boomerang acts like he doesn't really want to go but he totally wants to go. Also he was called "Captain Boomerang" so I'm about as happy as I'm capable of being with the knowledge that I will one day die. And June Moon is all, "Don't look at my tits! I don't want anybody looking at my tits! Also, why am I in jail, who are you all, what the fuck is going on, can I have a lawyer, and which way to the bathroom?"

The mission is in Russia to retrieve a "cosmic item" and the only way to get there is a suborbital route in a spaceship. So I guess Croc isn't too happy about this. But he'll be happy about the second part which is that the Cosmic Item is being kept in an undersea prison! You know, I think maybe Katana could have chosen some better options for this Squad. Black Manta? Ocean Master? Scavenger? Killer Shark? Carcharo? Come on, Katana! Use your ramen!

The space ship can't land or the Russians might notice it so instead it just drops the Squad from orbit in some kind of reentry merry-go-round. This causes Killer Croc to vomit in his space suit putting him at risk of Jimi Hendrixing. Flag refuses to watch that happen to one of his squad and risks the whole entire rest of the team by screwing up the balance of the falling merry-go-round to save Croc.

See how Deadshot is holding Flag in two different panels and helping him maneuver? He's doing that in his sleep, apparently, because he doesn't wake up until the next page.

I get the feeling that the editors aren't allowed to tell Jim Lee he needs to redraw something he fucked up. Firstly because he'll never have enough time to draw everything if he has to redraw Harley coming out of her cell without guns or Deadshot not helping Rick Flag because he's supposed to be asleep. And secondly because he's the boss of the editors and, in the corporate world, I don't think you're allowed to tell your boss that they completely fucked up everything.

Rick gets June to wake up The Enchantress who winds up not helping at all because she's a total dick. Unless her spell right before impact is actually all that keeps the Squad alive as they punch through the ice and into arctic waters. The story ends after only about thirteen pages with the Squad sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I guess that's one way to make sure Jim Lee makes his deadlines. Just use as much story as he can finish and then shove a Next Issue box at the bottom of his last finished page and stick in some back-up material. The Next Issue box at the end of this story says "Next: Someone literally dies." Well, nobody on the Squad will die. Possibly Enchantress or June Moon. But I'm guessing the someone who literally dies will be somebody they meet next issue because that's a cute trick that won't get fans angry at all. I will say it's nice that they're trying to convince the audience that people will die this time in the Suicide Squad since nobody but Man-Bats and Amanda Waller's assistants died in New Suicide Squad.

The backup story is a Personnel File on Deadshot. It's a story about his past so that we can learn he's got a death wish, probably. He was meant to kill Bruce Wayne for Kobra so he could make ten million dollars. But I'm fairly certain that didn't happen because the story shows him in the present in jail talking with Amanda Waller. She makes sure to mention multiple times how Floyd has a death wish and suicidal tendencies. But she also makes sure to mention that he's trying to do right by his twelve year old daughter Zoe. If it weren't for her, he'd probably end it all. But since he doesn't want to fail her (in his own, weird sense of honor), he can't kill himself. But that doesn't mean he won't look death right in the eye when it comes from some other source, shake its hand, and thank it for doing its job.

Back to the past, Deadshot learns he won't get ten million for killing Bruce Wayne because Kobra thinks he'll do the job for free since they've kidnapped his daughter. I think that just means he's going to kill a whole lot of Kobras for free, actually. Lawton managed to contact Batman and they pulled a World's Finest to save Zoe. He promised Batman he'd use only rubber bullets on the mission but when one of them threatens to kill Zoe, he puts a bullet in the guy's head. Zoe learns her father is a murderer and Batman throws Lawton in jail. Lawton, having disappointed his daughter, didn't care after that. And now he's a member of the Suicide Squad! Lucky!

The Review!
I think they've got the Suicide Squad set-up as close to the original as it's ever going to get again. It's not like Ostrander's Suicide Squad has to happen again, and I don't mind a company taking a different take on a franchise. Ostrander did it himself, right? And he struck gold! But most of The New 52 Suicide Squad was crap at best and more crap at worst, with brief, brief forays into finding itself in surprisingly readable. But I can't say much about how "surprisingly readable" this issue is because Jim Lee sort of curtailed the story from the outset due to his inability to draw twenty pages in a month. So I like the set-up. I can probably live with the characterizations although this issue was so short that Rob Williams was just sticking the most obvious dialogue into their mouths so readers could get at least a bit of a handle on each character and who they are. So Captain Boomerang is the one who drags his feet and doesn't want to play the game. Deadshot wants to die and show off his skills. Harley is crazy and plays Pokémon Go. Killer Croc isn't great at amusement parks. Katana picks horrible people for underwater missions. June Moon doesn't want to be there because--and I'm only guessing at this--she really wants me to be fucking her up against a pinball machine. And Rick Flag loves his team, no matter how jerky they are. So I've got the premise and I've got the characters! Now I just need to figure out what to do with this boner June Moon gave me.

Justice League #50

John Romita Jr. is the worst. I submit this cover as proof.

The Review or Whatever!
The Darkseid War is finally ending! Now the only thing to do is decide which shitty version of that shitty song "Hallelujah" to play during the final pages! I'm going to cue one up on YouTube to start playing as I get to the denouement! I'm choosing Kelly Clarkson's version!

Since Wonder Woman is giving her version of events since the beginning of The Darkseid War, how about I give you my version?! The Darkseid War begins with Darkseid dying. But that didn't end the war! That only started it! See, you were probably thinking, "The Darkseid War? That must be a war against Darkseid!" But you're stupid because what you should have been thinking is, "The Darkseid War? That must be a war caused by the death of Darkseid!" So after that happened, Geoff Johns threw together a bunch of plot points he came up with while high on cough syrup, like making The Flash into Death and making Lex Luthor into New Darkseid and making Batman into the Laziest Fucker in the Universe. After all of those plots coalesced into whatever the next phase of The Darkseid War was, it was time for the Justice League to stop the guy who killed Darkseid, the Anti-Monitor! To do that, they needed to recruit Superbaby! But he hadn't been born yet so they brought Superwoman to give birth in the middle of the battlefield. But she was too slow giving birth because she refused to take off her pants and so Super Horny Steve Trevor arrived and killed the Anti-Monitor instead. Which was totally unexpected because why should plot threads actually mean anything when you can just write whatever you want into the story? Only losers retain cause and effect in their fiction!

So now the Justice League find themselves battling Grail and Steve Trevor instead of Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor. I totally guessed this was how it was going to end! I mean, of course I didn't, but I wanted to sound cool and smart for once in my life.

Come on, Diana. You know what he's asking for. What always put Steve instantly to sleep in the past? That's right! Wonder Hand Job!

Oh! I just thought of more proof for why John Romita Jr. is the worst! Here's a quote by him from his All-Star Batman interview: "Gotham is always a moody place. I love the reality and the grit of the place. It's like New York, but not New York, you know?" Fucking insightful, dude! I mean, I just never thought of it that way! He's like totally right and shit!

Now it's time to play a little game I like to call "Why DC Comics Probably Totally Needed To Rebirth Itself!" The Green Lantern Corps appear to help defeat Grail which causes a little bit of confusion over the entire continuity of the DC Youniverse. And Hal is apparently still a member with a normal ring and everything! So is this all before Superman lost his powers and the Green Lanterns disappeared? I suppose if you were a bigger nerd than I am, you could figure out when they got back from the other universe while Superman was still alive and had powers. But I don't really care. The people who do care eventually just kill themselves. Like the person who was running Canonology, a site that tried to piece together every story and put it along a single timeline. I don't know for certain that they killed themselves but I know I would have. The page hasn't been updated since March 2014. I suspect the Canonology's neighbors found the body by now.

Superwoman reveals that the father of her child is Alexander Luthor from Earth-3. I guess that makes the baby Reverse Shazam or something. Although when Superwoman says "Mazahs!" and the lightning hits the baby, the baby doesn't turn into a grown man wailing and pawing at her tits for some reason. How come Billy Batson gets a man's body when he transforms but Superbaby is stuck in his stupid baby shell? Even if he's got all the power in the universe, I don't think he's going to be very effective. All it takes is for one super powered person to curb stomp him and he's done.

Grail just became the most likeable character in this book in my eyes! The number of times I wish I could have done this in public spaces!

Next, The Flash and Black Racer are separated so that Geoff Johns can remind everybody that he thought up this idea of Flash literally outracing death. See how I used literally there, kids? That's the proper way to use it. Nobody ever needs to say, "I literally just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." Of course, if saying "I just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich" is actually something sexual on Urban Dictionary then I take it back. Then you really do need to add literally to that.

Shazam loses his "Power of All Gods" too which leaves him with just the "Power of Some Gods". How is everybody losing their powers? Grail is using the Baby as a laser weapon. Every time she points it at somebody and blasts them with it, they return to normal. So I guess that's how Batman is finally going to be convinced to get out of his Goddamned chair. Who knew all you had to do was point a baby at him?

I don't know. I just...I don't fucking know what Geoff Johns thinks binary is and how it can change by adding the number "fear" to it.

Jessica gets control of her body for one second and saves The Flash's life by intervening and getting groped by death herself. She dies. Or, more probably, Volthoom dies. Now she just needs to get back in control of her body so she can star in Green Lanterns Rebirth #1.

The Justice League regroups and attacks Grail all at once. Batman is still sitting in that motherfucking chair.

Grail's Baby Laser absorbs the Anti-Life Equation from Steve Trevor after Batman points out he wasn't the first man to step foot on Paradise Island. And when the baby absorbs the Anti-Life Equation, it turns into Darkseid. I wonder if it's Darkseid but with the mind of a baby? I hope so because that means there's a better than average percent chance that Darkseid shits himself.

What is it with comic book artists so often relying on hiding feet behind rubble or some shit? I know they can draw feet (well, most of them) so why are they so adverse to drawing feet standing on the ground? Do better, artists. I'm tired of seeing characters standing in holes in the ground.

Hal lets Bruce borrow his Green Lantern Ring so that Bruce can get a boost of willpower to get out of the chair. It works but now Hal is helpless. Luckily Barda chooses that moment to return from Apokolips with the Female Furies and Kalibak and Steppenwolf. As soon as Batman gets out of the chair, Owlman gets into it because he's desperate to do everything Batman does. Grid ditches Cyborg's body and enters the chair before Owlman BOOM Tubes away. He probably won't be back until Afterbirth.

Some more fighting takes place but none of it matters. Apparently all it takes, according to Batman, is for Grail to separate the Anti-Life Equation from Darkseid. Which then...well, I don't know. I guess that's the final answer to ending the battle which needed many different answers to end different parts when the battle changed from being one thing to being a totally different thing. Like battling Darkseid and then battling the Anti-Monitor and then battling Steve Trevor and then battling a baby and then battling Baby Darkseid and then battling Grail's self-esteem. Ultimately though, it turns out Grail had severe Mother Issues. And there's no place in the DC Youniverse for a character with Mother Issues. It's all Daddy Issues up in this house. So Grail disappears in a puff of logic.

Is it time for me to start playing Hallelujah yet? I think probably!

Oh god! It's so terrible! But it totally works over the denouement! I knew it would! It seems to work over the denouement of everything! Especially shitty dramas with a touch of melancholy! Like every CSI ever! And all of the clones!

See? Just play Hallelujah over this page! Totally works. In that horrible way that adding a song people find emotional to a montage seems to work for mediocre people.

Oh, and see? Jessica is fine! And now instead of being shitty old Power Ring, she's a real Green Lantern! Although for some reason, the ring gives her a man's Green Lantern outfit. Where is all the skin, Jessie?!

Barda returns to the Furies and it's really emotional for some reason! Oh yeah! Enough of that crap. I'm shutting off the song!

Darkseid is not trapped in the body of a baby and being raised by a powerless Grail. So now Darkseid is going to have Mommy Issues! DC Afterbirth is going to be such a different place! No more Daddy Issues! Only Mommy Issues from here on out! I can't wait because those are my kinds of issues!

Lex Luthor returns to Apokolips to start a revolution. For some reason. I guess he saw a money making opportunity. Plus he's getting a new Superman-inspired set of battle armor!

Batman reveals the answer to the question "What's the Joker's real name?"

I told you it didn't matter, angry Tumblr user who called me arrogant because I said we would never be told who The Joker really was and Geoff Johns would think up some bullshit reveal that would show Batman didn't learn his name. So suck it! Also, Hal, Batman actually said, "That's not possible," dumb dumb.

Wonder Woman learned from Myrina's dying words that she has a twin brother! She doesn't know what happened to the baby but somehow she knows it was named Jason. Also she hinted that the island is full of lies or something. Whatever.

Those were a lot of epilogues but they weren't the most important one! The most important one was of Owlman sitting in his new chair speaking with Metron on the moon. Just as Owlman's about to learn the secret of everything, somebody appears and turns him and Metron to dust! Oh no! Who could it be?! Who has returned to set DC Afterbirth into motion?! I really hope it's Ambush Bug.

Justice League #49

I'm fairly certain there's a gay blowjob joke somewhere on this cover.

The Review or Whatever!
I've currently been rereading The Boomer Bible straight through because it's a fantastic book. I always forget to add it to the list of my favorite books and yet it's been a solid favorite since sometime in the early to mid nineties. It's a book that I have to keep buying because I always wind up giving away my personal copy because I love it so much and want to pass on that love to other people. As I reread it this time, I'm writing an essay on it. Here's a bit about how I describe it:

I can think of no other book that presents itself in such a cynical, offensive, poorly written, overly ambitious way while also being extremely poignant, full of heart, written to a staggeringly precise degree, and secretly as hopeful a story as was ever written. No other work I know makes full use of the freedom of speech by turning the most insultingly offensive moments into blindingly stunning bits of truth that slap the reader across the face, bringing tears to their eyes. I can think of no other book that has made me cry more often, and more quickly--often going from laughing out loud to near sobbing in the space of a few lines--through the subversive use of language and the timing of a comedic genius.

I can't recommend any book more highly than The Boomer Bible.

Justice League, on the other hand, I can only recommend if you enjoy long-winded stories that never end. At least The Boomer Bible chops up its long-windedness into several books and hundreds of easy-to-read chapters!

Currently in The Darkseid War, Darkseid has been dead for like one hundred issues and specials. But never fear! Lex Luthor has become the new Darkseid and Grail is waiting in the wings to become the new, permanent Darkseid of the Rebirth Generation! Probably. But the story of the Anti-Monitor's plan for Earth now that he's killed Darkseid will have to wait because the current most important thing happening in this story is the part where Superwoman is about to give birth to her superbaby.

This discussion is so important that everybody begins speaking like Recliner Batman.

While Geoff Johns writes just enough to hint at the father of Superwoman's baby instead of coming right out and telling the readers--because who needs to keep readers interested by revealing information rather than keeping them interested by withholding it, amirite?!--the Justice League battle the Anti-Monitor. That also will probably just drag on with neither side gaining the upper hand until Johns is ready to end this story ten years from now.

Superman expels his Apokolips energy so at least that bit is resolved. Now The Flash just needs to stop being death, Batman needs to stand up, and Lex Luthor needs to get his power stolen from him by Grail so that everything can nearly get back to normal. I think all of the things that really made this story interesting have already happened. I'm not really looking forward to its resolution. Hopefully Johns will surprise me. Will it be the catalyst for Rebirth?

Grail, Myrina, her griffon, and Steve Trevor with a mystic priapism arrive to really fucking clutter up the battlefield. I think Superwoman's baby is going to get stepped on if she insists on delivering it here.

Of course it hurts! You're trying to push it through your pants!

The baby is born and Superwoman announces in a splash page that it's a boy and then everybody forgets about it and its importance to the battle because Mystic Priapism Steve Trevor unleashes his pent-up sexual frustrations all over Mobius's chest, face, and hair. Mobius, of course, dies. Just like that. He kills Darkseid. He threatens the universe. He easily deflects every attack from Lex and the Justice League. And then Steve Trevor who gained Ultimate Power by kissing Grail arrives and saves the Omniverse. Of course now he's going to kill everybody else too because he's Grail's puppet and she seems to have forgotten that she was created to kill Darkseid (or the Anti-Monitor? I don't remember) and not to kill everything forever.

The best part of the comic is how the last page says "To be concluded!" And then: REBIRTH!

Justice League #47

Is this a redesign of Finch's Wonder Woman costume? I miss the "V for Vagina" skirt.

It's almost as if Geoff Johns has created an entire DC Universe to play in that's his alone. Nothing he writes in this comic book has anything to do with any of the other comic books in the DC You. Damn it must feel good to be Chief Creative Officer!

Previously, the entire Justice League became gods. I mean, if you think of the entirety of the Justice League as the white males because certainly Cyborg, Wonder Woman, and Power Ring didn't become gods. I think Hal Jordan didn't become a god either because he refused Mother Box's seductive offer. He was all, "Mother Box? Are you trying to seduce me?" And Mother Box was all, "BOOOM!"

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he's headed to Gotham to tell Batman that he's going to develop clots in his legs if he doesn't get out of the Batchair occasionally and walk around. But Batman is suddenly obsessed with sitting. It's like his ass is tapped into the universal internet and he's going to use it for justice. Okay, maybe not for justice so much as for sating his own curiosity, which is totally close enough. If you're Batman.

Why don't you mind your own fucking Bat-business, Hal?

The Batchair lets Batman know that Superman is being a huge dick and Batman doesn't respond with "I could have told you that, you stupid know-it-all chair!" Because Batman is currently trying to slap Wonder Woman around because she said she doesn't love him and also he noticed with his supervision that she was sexually aroused by Steve Trevor.

I know it's funny to laugh at Superman because he's often a dickhole but usually he's a well-meaning dickhole and most of his dickholery is due to being a somewhat naive farmboy. But lately he's been a different kind of dickhole. Lately he's been Earth's biggest enemy because he's constantly being mind-controlled or possessed by magic or infected with Doomsday Spores or getting his power stolen by bad guys to use against a xenophobic and mostly racist populace. Now he's been fundamentally changed by absorbing the power of Apokolips so that he's not even a pale shadow of his former self. Now he's just the villain that everybody on Earth-You already believes he is. Good job, Superman! I hate saying it but Batman was fucking right. The world is better off without you. I hope Ben Affleck kicks your ass in the upcoming movie.

While Diana tries to calm down her soon to be ex-boyfriend, Mister Miracle's Mini-Justice League are infiltrating Belle Reve so they can interview Ultraman and Superwoman. But their plan is going tits up because Jessica can't control Volthoom, her power ring. And Owlman is probably right around the corner biding his time! And Ultraman may have a small rock of Kryptonite ready to grind up and snort for one last burst of power. Since this comic book is akin to a blockbuster movie, a whole shitload more things need to go wrong before the good guys can win through. I hope somebody gets space madness next issue.

Wonder Woman is able to pacify Superman with her lasso before Green Lantern and Batman arrive.

Batman annoyingly finishes his thought on the next page which is "You're dying."

Who cares? Superman doesn't have to worry about dying because The Flash is now death! And why would The Flash kill his buddy Superman?!

The next shit to be dumped unceremoniously on the fan is the Anti-Monitor finally getting his act together. He was out of it for a little bit so that the Justice League members could tell their godlike new origin stories. But now the Anti-Monitor has returned and he's dying to sit in the Batchair. Also Cyborg is possessed by Grid just like Jessica was possessed by Volthoom. Superwoman blasts Mister Miracle and Big Barda with her Death to New Gods Vision while Ultraman's crying ass limps over to Superwoman's cell. That means only the one other living member of the Crime Syndicate is missing!

I knew he was fucking lurking around a corner. Creepy motherfucker.

Justice League #47 Rating: No change. There's a lot of flash-bang bedazzle going on in this comic book but The Darkseid War plot is just barely crawling along. Except technically that plot ended almost immediately because Darkseid died issues ago! Since then, it's all been set-up to get the Justice League ready to battle their--apparently--greatest foe ever: The Anti-Monitor! The League needed some power upgrades and some allies who were defeated by the Anti-Monitor once already. Johns was smart to bring in the Crime Syndicate because now the Anti-Monitor will be battling some people he can kill. My guess is Ultraman, Grid, and Volthoom will die in the coming battle. That way Jessica can stop having to fight her ring (although a piece of him will come out at a later date when more drama is needed!). And nobody cares if Grid never returns. Ultraman is the wild card because it's always nice to have an evil Superman that snorts Kryptonite hanging about in the DC Youniverse. But he's really not needed since Superwoman's baby's father is Owlman. I'm guessing this story arc ends in Issue #50? Will there be another company-wide reboot at that time?

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Distractedbyshinyobjects said once around the time I was a better writer than I currently am: “I also hate Scott Lobdell’s writing. But your reviews of his books are superlative comic book criticism.” That was probably before my hatred for Lobdell's writing had turned my brain into jelly and I stopped even trying to offer salient points of criticism. If you’d like to support me, please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Justice League #44

I genuinely despise these Choose Your Own Adventure style covers.

The issue begins with Batman obsessing over how much he hates The Joker while Wonder Woman Narration Boxes about how much her mother hated Gelos, the Greek god of laughter. So Batman is Wonder Woman's mother? That's a startling revelation!

Batman is on a space roadtrip with Hal Jordan in search of the origin of the Anti-Monitor. They use the Batchair to BOOM Tube to Earth-3 to find clues since Anti-Monitor trashed the place and probably left some fingerprints and DNA all over the world. While investigating, Batman decides to break the silence by repeating some stuff that Alfred once said to him to Hal Jordan.

How come the Batchair teaches Batman everything except how not to be a complete asshole?

Hal Jordan blames Batman being an asshole on the Batchair which makes me think Hal Jordan hasn't been paying attention. I can believe that! One of Hal's better qualities is narcissism! Although if he were sitting in the Batchair, I doubt his first question would have been about The Joker's real identity. Hal's first question would have been "How do I get Carol Ferris to love me without putting in any effort whatsoever?"

Batman and Hal spend about twenty seconds on Earth-3 before deciding to go to Qward, the apparent birthplace of the Anti-Monitor. I guess they just stopped by Earth-3 to see how much damage the Anti-Monitor can cause. And then it's back to the rest of the Justice League as they watch Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor, the two most powerful beings in the universe, engage in a fistfight.

I had to look up the definition of "waging" to see if it is ever used as an intransitive verb. Turns out it's listed as an obsolete usage which means "to contend; struggle." And all you nerds currently thinking "What? You didn't know that?" can crawl back into your holes now to think about how much you resemble Batman in the Batchair.

The other opponents on the battlefield use words in funny ways as well.

I would accept that Kalibak meant "consumed" by his use of "gorged" here if he'd left out the "sockets" part of the statement. But since he said "eye sockets," I have to accept that he means he "filled them completely." But with what?! Marbles? Feces? His cock?

Grail gorges Kalibak's with eye beams. I guess. Poor Kalibak. He really has deluded himself into thinking he's a bad-ass. Why would he think he could defeat his sister when he was just recently defeated by a cat, a dog, a cow, and a ten year old boy?

Diana tackles Grail away from Kalibak for some reason. I think that reason is that Diana is bad at tactics. What does she care if Kalibak is killed by Grail? Shouldn't she and the others simply be concerned with containing this battle? Or maybe calling in some magic-user to teleport everybody into another dimension? Isn't this the point when Superman usually sends everybody to The Phantom Zone? That's always worked in the past! But one thing I wouldn't do is enter the battle and have to worry about fighting two different enemies at the same time. Let them fight it out a bit! Maybe Darkseid will get lucky and destroy the Anti-Monitor in just a few minutes but he'll be so wounded he'll have to return to Apokolips! The problem might just solve itself! Sometimes you need a leader like me who doesn't mind being seen as lazy and cowardly!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Superman is going to try to kill Lex Luthor. See, Superman fueled himself with energy from one of the fire pits on Apokolips which, I guess, must be nearly identical to that of a yellow sun. The only problem is it was evil energy! I didn't know energy could be good or evil. I'll have to look for Evil Duracells the next time my remote control needs new batteries.

I'm having trouble believing that Darkseid came to Earth twenty-something years ago just to get laid. I suppose he could have been investigating Superbaby's arrival on Earth and just happened to stop by a bar on Paradise Island where he met Myrina Black, possibly the only woman on Earth interested in banging a huge rock person. Aside from Alicia Masters.

Darkseid finally remembers that he's the biggest cosmic threat in the DC Youniverse and he probably shouldn't be brawling like any average citizen of Philadelphia. He decides to summon Black Racer to do his killing for him.

Black Racer rushes in to slalom off of the Anti-Monitor's abdominal moguls, spraying the onlookers with blood (or whatever juices fill the Anti-Monitor. Judging by the picture, it's cosmic ray juice).

Over on Qward, Batman learns that the Anti-Monitor's real name is Mobius and that he built the Batchair. He wanted too much knowledge and was cursed for seeking it just like everybody else who seeks too much knowledge. I don't know who's doing all the cursing of people seeking knowledge but I do know that most Americans seem to believe it really happens so they choose to remain ignorant and not cursed at all.

That's not "white light," Bruce. It's Krona's semen.

Free Will was at the center of the regular universe. But whatever was at the center of the Anti-Matter Universe has possessed the Anti-Monitor. I guess that was Pay Will.

Meanwhile, The Flash becomes the new host of The Black Racer because get it?

The new Black Racer is controlled by the Anti-Monitor and he sends him straight through Darkseid's chest as he screams something about how his dick is the Anti-Life Equation and dinner is served. Darkseid's death is so hilarious that the Greek god of laughter decides to come out of retirement and snicker at the joke.

Justice League #44 Rating: No change. The Darkseid War was probably plotted three hours into drinks at some dive club where Johns just got drunker and drunker scribbling down "what if" scenarios. "What if Batman sat in Metron's chair?" "What if Darkseid and an Amazon fucked?" "What if Superman turned evil and was able to do to Lex what he's always secretly wanted to non-sexually do to Lex?" "What if The Flash became Black Racer?" "What if the Anti-Monitor and Darkseid fought?" "What if Darkseid died!?" It's just a lot of ideas thrown into a story because Johns knew anybody reading it would go "Cool!" a whole bunch of times. That may sound like I'm saying these things in a derogatory manner! But I'm not! I mean, there isn't a whole lot here except a bunch of cool comic book moments. But isn't that, sometimes, enough? Isn't this exactly what comic books need? They need to be doing audacious things that aren't overly concerned with how the story will affect future continuity. The Justice League is the book where Geoff Johns is just allowed to do crazy shit that people will willingly pay $3.99 to read.

Justice League #43

At least this Variant Cover allowed me to forget about The Darkseid War for awhile.

Last issue, Batman became God and the first thing he wanted to know was what The Joker's true name was. When he learned the truth, he whispered, "No. That's not possible." At best, this portrays Batman as a selfish asshole whose first question when he gains omniscience is used to learn useless knowledge that could not possibly help himself or the world or how to even stop The Joker instead of learning how to finally save the world from madmen and random violence. At worst, it's a cheap ploy by Geoff Johns to try to make the mystery of The Joker's identity more intriguing when all fans of DC Comics know that we will never have a real answer about who The Joker is that would be in any way meaningful. Obviously Batman is going to forget everything he learned while sitting in the Mobius Chair as soon as he steps away from it and everything will be put right. The Joker will be just this guy who represents the random chaos and death inherent in being a living being in a meaningless universe. But what won't be forgotten was how Geoff Johns used this moment to try to manipulate the audience into thinking The Joker's identity is absolutely important and interesting and that Batman, for a brief time, knew it and had his mind blown. Unless the Mobius Chair told Batman, "Abraham Lincoln" or "Jesus," I can't imagine Batman would have been so shocked by it. Most likely the chair would have said something like, "Garfield Clinton," and Batman would have been all, "Hmm. Disappointing. I guess I can simply kill him next time we meet." Even though he's, you know, supposedly already dead. But then so is Batman, amirite?!

This issue begins with Kalibak beating dogs to death, probably because he was humiliated by Titus in Batman and Robin. He probably has a separate chamber full of cows where he goes to shit on the floor so that they slip and fall on his dung. He probably isn't torturing cats because he's too stupid to realize that Alfred Pennyworth the Cat masterminded the entire Animal Defense Initiative in the Batcave that caused Kalibak so much trouble while trying to beat up a ten year old. When I type it all out, it seems like Kalibak had a really tough and embarrassing year.

You just lost yourself a job, buddy! Believe me, I know! "For Kentucky Fried Chicken." "For Tess!" "For Repo Depo." "For Tess." "For Sidemark." "For Tess." "For Netscape." "For Tess." "For Gallup." "For Tess." "For Ellington Leather." "For Tess." "For Academic Book Center." "For Tess." "For Tess!" "Damn straight 'For Tess!'"

While Kalibak is losing his job offer because he won't swear fealty to the filthy corporate persona that is already demanding precious minutes out of his less finite than most other's life, Batman sits in his freshly dubbed "Batchair" making the universal sign of arrogant know-it-all madman. You know the one! Where a person places all of their fingers of one hand against all of the fingers of their other hand? He's probably also begun to say "actually" and "meh" a lot too. He just found out that his Batchair won't answer the question, "Who is the anti-monitor?" He must have asked it every other question in existence before that because Batman now declares that the identity of the Anti-Monitor is the only thing the Batchair doesn't know. I wish he would give every Justice League member a turn in the chair because I want to see what all of the characters ask the chair first! I bet Aquaman's question is "What do the fish really think of me?" Captain Marvel would probably ask, "How do you have sex with a girl? Oh, ick. Okay. Um, and now just to be, you know, fair, how does one have, um, you know, sex with another boy? Oh, interesting. Um, chair, why is my penis doing that?!"

Everybody tries to cajole Batman down from the Batchair but Batman doesn't fall for any of their petty attempts to steal his Batchair. He's a god now and he'll be damned if anybody expects him to thank them profusely after forcibly yanking him from the chair after which he'll claim that no man should have that much knowledge. Then he'll point out to Diana that the Batchair taught him a way to make a woman come spectacularly by just the use of his tongue and her asshole.

Meanwhile Superman and Lex Luthor explore Apokolips where they were sent by Luthor's traitorous and Darkseid loving sister.

Whew. Good thing there isn't any lead! Proceed.

Superman and Lex are attacked by that caste of people on Apokolips who are just slaves. The nobodies or the lowlies or something. After the battle, Superman is bleeding because there is no sunlight. Yes, but there is also no red sunlight so he should be okay for a few weeks using back-up power stored in his muscles. Unless, of course, the plot calls for him to suddenly become weak to increase the drama and tension of Superman's trip to Apokolips!

The Batchair helps Batman explain some of the plot to The Darkseid War to the other Justice League members. Now they know that Grail is an Amazon, that her mother is Myrina Black, and that her father is Darkseid. They also learn another thing.

Go back to shutting the fuck up, Billy.

Mister Miracle arrives to gather up the heroes so they can convince the Anti-Monitor to fight Darkseid somewhere other than Earth. Batman and Hal Jordan decide to go on a space adventure in the Batchair which I hope becomes a spin-off title written and drawn by Sergio Aragonés. Everybody BOOM Tubes out of the Rock of Eternity leaving Metron shackled to it. Which is obviously what Metron wants since Metron just goes around manipulating people into thinking they're doing whatever they want to do but they're really just doing what Metron needs them to do. He's a clever guy, that Metron! Much more clever than Harvest.

Back on Apokolips, Geoff Johns gives an example of European film versus American film.

In the European version of the film, we get this perfect moment with just the right amount said. The reader gets it. Lex would never have finished his sentence with "human."

But the American version always assumes the audience needs everything completely spelled out for them. That first panel said it all. It was enough. But the American version always adds just a little bit more to be sure it's understood by the apparently goofy yokels buying the tickets.

My favorite example of how America ruins European movies is Let the Right One In, the movie about the little girl vampire living next door to a boy whose constantly picked on. I forget what the name of the American version is. I think it's "That Little Girl Living Next Door To The Boy Is An Ancient Vampire And Not Actually A Little Girl So She's Really Had Centuries To Learn How To Manipulate Humans Into Becoming Her Living Servants And Not Actually The Little Boy's Friend At All Like It Might Seem Which Might Not Be A Great Title But At Least It's Not Ambiguous Like The Original Title Which People Might Think Is Advice For the Young Boy But Is Actually A Rule Of Thumb Of The Ancient Little Girl Vampire." The original movie is a genius take on abusive relationships and how abusers manipulate their victims. It works so well that most people could easily walk away from the movie feeling uplifted and happy, never once realizing they've just been fooled (probably yet again!) by an abuser. The little boy and little girl are so cute together! Aww! She helped free him from his bully tormentors and his generally crappy life. She isn't going to use him up like her previous thrall and throw him away after living a long, meaningless life as her slave and servant at all! God how I love that movie! The American version, of course, spells out the entire thing instead of leaving it to be figured out by the audience. It completely ruins the experience.

I was curious as to the name of the remake since I sincerely couldn't remember it. It was Let Me In. Jesus Christ, America. Anyway, I glanced through the Wikipedia to see what negative things critics had to say about the remake since everybody seemed to generally really like it (and I'd agree if Let the Right One In didn't already fucking exist). Here's what Beth Accomando wrote about Let Me In: "[It] makes obvious all that the original film made subtle and does so with less complexity." I quote her here because she's a genius saying exactly the same thing I've been saying about the film. Good job on being a total genius, Beth!

The Titans...I mean, The Justice League arrive at the Anti-Monitor's side just as Darkseid and Kalibak and Steppenwolf and thousands of Parademons arrive too. Fight! Fight! Fight!

As opposed to the queer of Messina? Ha!

I remember those monsters! Scissors and Charcoal! I bet Wonder Woman goes on to describe how sailors (represented by the Justice League here) had to carefully navigate between these two monsters (represented here by the Anti-Monitor and Darkseid)! It's a totally apt analogy that probably wouldn't have to be thought about while in the middle of the action but is totally cool to think about in a literary setting.

Wonder Woman thinks about how Odysseus chose which monster to sail past since he couldn't avoid them both. She says his story doesn't matter and that sometimes no matter what choice you make, you lose. But she also mentions that six of his men died while sailing past. Being that the choice was to sail his boat directly into a whirlpool of teeth where everybody would have died or sailing it past a monster with only six mouths, I'd say the choice was obvious and that Odysseus and all but six of his men made the right choice and won! So if that's her analogy, the Justice League had better figure out which one of these cosmic assholes represents Scissors and choose that one as the less dangerous opponent to back in the fight.

So that fight is about to begin next issue. All that's left of this issue is to see Superman's cells charged by the pits of Apokolips.

Who knew solar energy could have an "evil" charge?!

Justice League #43 Rating: No change. I can see how Geoff Johns became the personal god of some comic book fans, especially considering how many crappy, phoning-it-all-in writers work in the super hero comic book trade. He's absolutely more than competent as a writer. He has an ability to tell a coherent story. He treats his characters mostly honestly and fairly (at least the ones he's particularly interested in within any given story). He's sometimes prone to stupid jokes and tired tropes but that's fine because not every reader is a forty-something year old who's seen it all before. The main issue I have with his work (and I know this is a plus in many people's books) is that it's generally all spectacle with little substance. Spectacle in comic books is, of course, a grand thing. Sometimes it's all there is and people will eat that shit up like shit-eating machines created by some fucked up weird mad scientist. I'm now going to resort to poorly thought out analogies so that I sound like a real comic book critic and, with a little luck, can turn this into a blurb for the next Justice League trade! "Justice League is like eating a big bowl of sugared cereal while watching cartoons on a Saturday morning. I know I'm not getting anything out of it, and I'm not accomplishing anything, and my stomach will hurt later. But my life will seem exciting while I'm doing it. The self-loathing will come later, which I'll deal with just like I've dealt with it my entire life. With more cereal, more cartoons, and bigger and grander Geoff Johns super hero stories."

Justice League #42

"Only one chance to save Lex! Must...fellate...out...the...bullets!"

In the first part of The Darkseid War, The Justice League were defeated by Grail because they pulled that classic boner where they didn't fight as a team but as individual heroes taking turns. That's always how the bad guy wins in the first round! Now Batman will have to round them all up and give them a speech about how they must work together. An alternative could have been that they all disagreed on how to defeat Grail and approached the battle with different tactics. Then they would have to agree to put aside their differences for round two. "Putting aside their differences" means "listening to Batman."

This issue starts off just like my caption on the cover promised!

Superman's blow job eye contact is intense.

Superman and Lex Luthor are currently on Apokolips because Lena Luthor shot them and sent them there via BOOM Tube. She works for Darkseid now. Soon everybody will work for Darkseid. Or the Anti-Monitor who is currently on Earth-Main-Earth having been summoned by Power Ring and Grail. I might not be very clear on the particulars of the plot but I think Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor want to destroy Earth-Main-Earth simply because it's there. Somehow it's an affront to their greatness.

Oh look! Steppenwolf is as confused as I am! Now we'll get an answer straight from the Geoff Johns' mouth via Darkseid's!

Except Darkseid doesn't answer. Desaad just says, "For him. For Darkseid." Which then leaves me with the only possible reason for this war no matter how cynical: spectacle. It's all just a great big spectacle to have the Justice League battle two of the biggest, baddest villains in the entire DC Youniverse. Although after the Justice League win the war, where do they go from there? Any battle after this one will seem like a delicious piece of cake by comparison. Unless the Justice League loses! That's a possibility because then it will seem normal if they go back to fighting villains sent up from the minors. Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor can defeat each other while the Justice League lie around the battlefield unconscious and nearly dead. Except for Wonder Woman who will be lying about unconscious and nearly dead and in a super sexy position. Mark my words!

Back on Earth, Wonder Woman meets the Anti-Monitor. But she doesn't get much more than an "I am desperate" out of him before Metron arrives to BOOM Tube the Justice League to safety. Well, good thing they're safe! Just leave the Earth to the Anti-Monitor and Grail though. I'm sure it's in good hands.

Grail and Mobius the Anti-Monitor have their own discussion about the reasons for this war!

That didn't clear up anything either.

I must have just forgotten the reason for the war which was probably in the Free Comic Book Day comic, Divergence #1. So I should probably reread that so I can be reminded that Myrina Black is the Amazon mother of Grail who wanted a war to destroy the father of her child. I guess to protect her child? And why does she want to protect such an evil monster? Just because it's her child? I've heard that the bond between parent and child is usually pretty strong and nonsensical. Maybe I'm not supposed to care why everybody is fighting this war. I think I'm just supposed to be excited about it. For some reason.

Mister Miracle pays a visit to Myrina Black to get the final answer on why this war is happening. It's like this! Myrina Black knew that someday Darkseid would enslave Earth. How she knew who Darkseid was, I don't know! But her plan was to seduce Darkseid, have his child, convince his child to find somebody in the universe who could kill Darkseid, bring that somebody to Earth, lure Darkseid to Earth, and destroy most of the Earth in the ensuing battle that will kill Darkseid so that he can't enslave the Earth. Seems like a great plan!

Metron rescued the Justice League to tell them that they can't save the Earth and that they should flee from it if they want to live. I suppose Metron just likes watching the Justice League in action because why else would he bother to save them? Nobody in the Justice League believes that they can't stop the destruction of the Earth, so Wonder Woman pulls Metron out of his chair so that Batman can sit in it. Once Batman realizes that the chair knows everything, he asks it a question to calibrate it and then asks it the most important question he can think of!

Jesus Christ, you clown obsessed freak! Ask about the cure for cancer! How about a way to stop aging?! Ask it for a foolproof way to keep everybody safe from random violence! At the very least, ask it how to win Selina Kyle's heart without, you know, being sweet and kind and loving to her. Ugh! Too difficult!

After he learns The Joker's secret identity (which we'll probably never see him deal with after this war is over!), Batman declares that he's a god. Well, at least the chair gave him the confidence to vocalize what he already believed.

Justice League #42 Rating: No change. I'd probably enjoy this comic book more if I just sat back and shut up. Who cares why this is all happening? I should just be thankful that Earth is in so much trouble so that I can see the Justice League rise to the challenge! Maybe I'll get really drunk before reading the next issue. That usually helps me to enjoy broad entertainment.