Legends of Tomorrow #6: Firestorm!

This was my favorite song and dance number from last year's Gay Grammys. Was that redundant?

A friend posted a thing on Facebook about how the electoral college makes a person's vote in Wyoming more valuable than a person's vote in California. One of their friends responded, "So.......You support mob rule?" And the person wasn't being funny at all! Do they not understand how democracy works?! Democracy is mob rule! Except with courts to tell the mob they're being assholes. And then those assholes tell the courts to go fuck themselves because they're against the will of the mob! Then everything breaks down and the barbarians come!

Plus there's probably something to say about the tyranny of minorities and majorities and how some stupid piece of paper that holds people in its thrall somehow keeps any of those things from happening through pure belief in its power. Or something.

That has nothing to do with Firestorm. It might have something to do with The Metal Men though! Especially the way Doc Magnus rules the roost like some common fascist dictator with a penchant for shoving things in his ass. That was probably redundant (as is my joke about something being redundant. Nothing more redundant than that! Although if you didn't appreciate it, you can print it out and shove it up your ass like some fascist dictator attending the Gay Grammys).

My back still hurts and I haven't been to the comic book store yet. This week is the first week in nearly five years that I won't be picking up every DC comic. I've cut down the list so I can have more time to read things that I want to read. And also to play more Overwatch. Probably a little more of one than the other. Just pretend the more heavily weighted one is the more intellectual of the two options. It's not but, for my brain's self-esteem's sake, please pretend with me. I keep telling my brain that if it gets better at playing Winston, I'll let it reread the entire works of Shakespeare. It's trying so hard to figure out that damn monkey now!

The Firestorm Commentary!
This issue begins with something happening that probably could have used some kind of Content Warning.

Judging by the exaggerated expressions of shock, something sexual has to be taking place.

The Professor's advice is to do something. Jason Rausch's advice is actual helpful advice that could save Firestorm's bunghole virginity for Jason to get at later. I mean it could save Firestorm's life. I think we all know which two halves of Firestorm are destined to merge forever. That old white fart is no help to anybody. He probably doesn't even know how to erotically manipulate a prostate.

Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator continues to distort reality in the way a Quantum Field Generator never actually would. I mean, I know I don't have any idea what a Quantum Field Generator is, or what it might actually do. But I'm certain in the exact way I'm certain that God doesn't exist that it would not create monster flies, Cybornetic beings, and spider dinosaurs. Those of you who believe in God are probably thinking, "What's so improbable about spider dinosaurs?!"

Here's an additional fact about my atheism: not believing in God doesn't mean I think I know how everything came about, or how it's always existed, or never existed and then suddenly did exist. I'm comfortable not needing to make up a reason for my own existence, or a nonsensical starting point for everything. I just know that the answer to it all is not a magical man in the sky who hates homosexuality. Come to think of it, it's also not a magical woman in the sky who hates homosexuality. It's also not a magical non-gendered immortal and omnipotent being who neither loves nor hates homosexuality. And it definitely isn't any being of any kind who loves homosexuality! Unless the creator of the universe is Firestorm! Oh man! That would be a great revelation to the character. Firestorm is God! Or at least he's made in God's image. God is probably a merger of all of the Gods ever worshiped. Of course, the Christian God is the body. I mean, duh!

Firestorm's current dilemma is that General Eiling is going to bomb Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator which would be a huge disaster for obvious reasons. I mean, the reasons aren't really obvious but that's what happens when you base the conflict on some technobabble that nobody could possibly understand. The writer gets to tell the audience that something super bad is going to happen and the audience just has to accept it. In comic books, it's always easy to use quantum bullshit or nanotechfucktology because nobody reading comic books is smart enough to argue against it.

Professor Stein continues to be no help while Jason does all the heavy lifting, telepathically linked to Firestorm. Hopefully everybody realizes that Ronnie and Jason are meant to be Firestorm. I mean fuck buddies. No wait. I had it right the first time. And the second time too!

Ronnie's first coach sounds like a cliché spouting jackass.

You think I'm done with that whole "Was that redundant?" thing yet? Well I'm not! That last caption was probably redundant!

I should probably accept that a Quantum Field Generator is simply Gerry Conway's version of the Hitchhiker's Improbability Drive. That might not have made sense but at least it was clever!

While Jason takes care of General Eiling's bombers through technological shenanigannery, Firestorm attempts to close in on the Quantum Field Generator so Professor Stein can identify the off switch. But Ronnie's having trouble because getting through the reality distortion field is like "swatting wasps in a hurricane--they just keep coming!" First off, I think if you're in a hurricane and you're swatting wasps, you've probably lost your mind. First off, why are you still in a hurricane? You should have fucking evacuated instead of causing future problems for first responders when they have to pull your corpse out of a palm tree. And second of all, why the fuck are you swatting at wasps?! Jesus Christ! Those things will fuck you up! Forget the hurricane! There's never a good time to fucking swat at wasps, you idiot! I have lost all faith in Firestorm. This is what happens when you teach your young men in nothing but sports platitudes.

Because there are so many Multiplexes, Ronnie decides to unFirestorm. So instead of hundreds against one of the most powerful superheroes in the DC Universe, it'll be hundreds against an old man and a high school quarterback. Great plan! I mean, seriously, great plan because it works! Ronnie blocks all of the Multiplexes as Professor Stein runs up to the machine and flips the off switch. Seriously. I was making a joke earlier about the off switch but the machine really has an off switch. Luckily, Dr. Cunningham, the woman Multiplex was holding hostage and apparently doesn't know how to flip switches, is able to point at the off switch so Professor Mantin Steinman could man man man man man man.

Ronnie and Stein return to Firestorm and he tries to rescue Multiplex and Dr. Cunningham. But Multiplex wriggles out of his glove and goes, "Ha ha! I have escaped!" Then he's bombed into smithereens by General Eiling's bombers and Jason Rausch laughs and laughs and laughs! Ha ha! The bad guy sure got his!

Back at school, Jason confronts the girl he's supposed to be fucking because she's the odd, weird, smart girl. Except she doesn't know he's gay. Also she slipped some Rohypnol in a soda she gave him so that he'd fuck up his interview for the company she's also trying to get an internship at.

Oh sure! A good person would just allow a somebody to go around putting dangerous drugs in other student's drinks! Don't alert anybody to her criminal behavior! Snitches get stitches, bitches!

The story ends with Jason Rausch still not allowed to be part of Firestorm. But he is offered a place on the team using the telepathic helmet! So instead of one stupid disembodied head floating around Firestorm's face, there will be two! Oh joy! They just doubled down on the worst part about this entire comic book (aside from the lack of gay sex)!

The Review!
This book isn't going to get on The Rankings because it's four books in one that I'm splitting into different reviews. Besides, it's over now! And if you didn't read it as Legends of Tomorrow, you'll probably get to read it as a trade paperback soon. I know the Sugar and Spike one is available! And it's totally worth reading because it humiliates DC's big three heroes! This one isn't really worth picking up because it doesn't delve into the homosexual relationship between Ronnie and Jason. Or if it does, it gets really creepy because now Martin Stein is in some kind of homosexual May-December romance with Ronnie. It's so gross!

Legends of Tomorrow #5

Who glances at the cover of a $7.99 comic book and exclaims, "What?! Sugar and Spike! I have to blow my paycheck on this!"

I just need to get through this issue as quickly as possible. These four full issue compilations are breaking me! It's too much to comment on at one time! I suppose I could do each issue separately but then I'd just get depressed seeing this comic book on top of my stack for days as I work through every story. Instead, it's just getting quick reviews of each issue. Hey DC Comics?! I have a good idea! How about keeping the page count of every comic you sell down around twelve! That way I can do these commentaries much quicker and Jim Lee will be telling the truth when he says he can finish the art on a full comic in one month!

That wasn't fair to Jim Lee. He is currently doing twenty-four pages of art per month since Suicide Squad is biweekly. But have you seen his art in those? It's worse than it usually is! So many scribbles on everybody's faces! And he really could use some practice drawing fat people. You know how people say fat is beautiful just to sound like a kind and caring person who obviously isn't in touch with reality, or at least the aesthetic senses of people in the 21st Century? You know it's not true because 99% of all comic book artists couldn't draw a fat person at gunpoint. I don't mean the fat person would be drawn with a gun to their head! I mean the artist, being threatened with a gun to their head, couldn't draw a fat person well. Because they have no interest in drawing fat people. Because nobody has any interest in looking at fat people while reading a comic book. Remember how good Dial H was? Remember how it was cancelled after only twelve issues even though it was one of the best New 52 books? It starred a fat guy. So all of you who didn't support it? Fat shaming assholes. Probably.

I'm going to change the subject before I hurt my own feelings some more and make myself cry. I don't want to get tears in my gallon of ice cream. Although that's probably a favorite hipster flavor: Bone Marrow and Tears Ice Cream.

The Firestorm Review!
In this issue, Ronnie almost tells Jason that he loves him. He comes as close as the high school quarterback can come without completely destroying his reputation, since everybody knows the high school quarterback can't be a huge poofster. Who would fuck all of the cheerleaders?! It's an alternate reality too inconceivable to ponder for long. Anyway, Ronnie tells Jason that he needs him because Stein is old enough to be his dad. In other words, Firestorming it up with an old man is disgusting and Ronnie just wishes he could merge with Jason again. That's the main story. In the side story, Multiplex has turned on his Quantum Field Generator which, for most writers, is just another excuse for adding dinosaurs and monsters to the script. Because everybody knows that "quantum" is another word for "magic" since no writer wants to really research quantum physics and no reader would be able to understand the story if the writer truly understood quantum physics anyway! So instead, it's just a buzzword to make a lot of cool chaos that will lead to the end of the world because obviously, duh!

The Rankings!
You know what? I don't really need to add this book to my rankings. It's a relic from an old DC Universe and doesn't deserve to be in my Rebirth rankings. Even if those rankings contain a bunch of books that aren't Rebirth books, like Scooby Apocalypse and The Sheriff of Babylon.

The Metamorpho Review!
Sapphire's betrayal of Metamorpho last issue came from that place where people with good intentions get manipulated by evil people into doing bad things because it will supposedly make the world better. But the Orb of Ra tells Sapphire she's an idiot and she thinks, "Oh, I'm an idiot!" So she changes her mind about taking the Orb of Ra to her father. But she doesn't change her mind fast enough! Isn't that always the way?! Now she's lost Rex's trust and he leaves her to die alone for some reason. While Sapphire waits to die, she sees Java has come to this world too. She decides to follow him so she can warn Rex. But she doesn't follow him fast enough! Isn't that always the way?! So instead of warning Rex, she doesn't warn Rex at all! Java shoots Rex with his Metamorpho Power Stealing Gun while everybody stands around shocked. It's like they don't know that this is the final cliffhanger of the story! That's always when things look the worst! Except for Sapphire's ass. It still looks really good.

The Sugar & Spike Review!
Spike tells the story about how he and Sugar got into the business of dealing with super heroes embarrassing problems cropping up from the past. By the end of the issue, they own the Museum of Super Hero Oddities. They even have some choice pieces to add to it!

Cheeks!

The Metal Men Review!
The Metal Men have a bit of a dust up with the New Metal Men until the Metal Women get tired of their swinging dicks and put a stop to it. After that, Chemo shows up to destroy everybody! Also, Mother Machine decides she's tired of working from behind the scenes and unplugs herself so she can go do some real damage. She's a bit cocky. She may have been able to defeat The Blackhawks but the Metal Men are...well, they really aren't that much different, really. Kind of the same team make-up, y'know? She'll probably win. Mostly because Chemo should do the real work and kill about nine or ten of them before Mother Machine shows up.

Legends of Tomorrow #3

Gross. Mercury is like a goldfish dragging a turd around the bowl.

The Review!
Legends of Tomorrow is a throwback to DC's old super-sized anthology series. I guess DC is hoping fans of Firestorm, The Metal Men, or Metamorpho are willing to pay this kind of money to support a book with their favorite character in it. I am a fan of the idea although I think DC made a slight misstep. While this book works and the stories being told are probably better than average (or just average which in today's mainstream comic book climate sometimes seems better than average), I think they could really use one solid lead story featuring a character DC knows will sell. Yes, I'm actually proposing they shove a Harley Quinn story in this thing. Or, at least, this would have been the perfect vehicle for The Gang of Harleys story. I wonder how many more copies this would sell if they replaced one of the current stories with a Lobo story? And I'm not talking about Twat Lobo! I mean an old school, Alan Grantesque (or Keith Giffenesque, I suppose) Lobo story! I also think at least one of the four stories should always be a single issue story whose lead character gets rotated out for a different character each month. Just that kind of variety alone would probably bring in more people willing to give each month a new shot.

The Bullet Points!
This book is too long for a normal commentary! It gets bullet points or else I won't have time to eat today. Not that I need food! Thanks to a year of mourning and not caring about anything, I think I have enough Oreo energy inside of me to last a decade!

• Speaking of mourning, the grave of my cat and used-to-be-best-friend-until-he-ditched-me-for-the-comfort-of-eternal-nonexistence is in my backyard. I've turned Judas's grave into a statuary garden with a big wooden fish and a peace symbol made from beer caps inset into concrete and an angel from my Grandmother's house and a spooky human head and a rock with the Cheshire Cat on top of it and a Sailor Moon figure and a Sailor Mercury figure and a Chibi-Moon figure. Last weekend, the property manager sent a crew of assholes to do some yard work around the place. I would have sent professional landscapers but I guess assholes are cheaper. After they were done, I went outside to find all of the statues piled up in the center of the space as if a poltergeist had taken up residence there. Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury were nowhere to be found but judging by the dismembered pieces of Chibi-Moon I discovered, it didn't take Columbo to figure out what happened to them. Who the fuck does yard work and decides not to give any fucks about what is obviously a purposeful installation and not just a load of garbage lying in the dirt? Besides, I keep Judy's grave nice and neat, so they didn't even need to bother with that patch of ground! Luckily for them, I find it more amusing than anger-inducing that such unrepentant douchéstorks live in this world and just replaced the lost figures with another Sailor Moon figure, a Xena Warrior Princess figure, and Jigglypuff. I should probably dig around for more figures in preparation for next time!

Firestorm!
• When we last left Firestorm, I was thinking, "I don't care about Firestorm. Why did I pay $8 for this book?"

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond are once again Firestorm. Fans of old things and nothing changing cheer while they pull their cocks and vaginas and lighter-fluid-covered crosses out in preparation for the return of their apparent savior, White Wally West.

• The Firestorm story is called "United We Fall" because isn't that clever. See how they turned the old adage inside out? You know what else I'd like to see turned inside out? A clown.

• The story begins with Firestorm battling Major Force. Major Force is a hero only by the most technical of definitions and only if you're an American and only if you're a warmonger. That sentence was a sentence I could never get away with if I changed Major Force to anybody in the military, even if the sentence would still be true.

• General Eiling wants to turn Firestorm into a weapon under his control so he made up some bullshit reason to bring Firestorm in. And since Firestorm knows it's bullshit and refuses to comply, Firestorm will now be arrested for the most bullshit reason of all: resisting arrest. That's just something some genius "peace" officer came up with to give them a reason for beating the shit out of anybody who doesn't respect them any time they want.

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond learn to trust each other quickly because nobody wants to keep buying $8 anthology books to see them bicker month after month. Plus we've seen this before many times. If DC has decided they want old fashioned Firestorm back together for some reason, it's best to just get it over with quickly.

• Multiplex has decided that retaining a vendetta against Midnighter is bad for his peace of mind, so he's now venturing forth on a new project! That project is to break quantum entanglement so that every aspect of himself is a pure, unadulterated individual. That seems like a really stupid fucking idea. But then Multiplex seems like a shortsighted idiot, mostly based on his need to attack Midnighter more than once.

The Hollywood Theatre is not in downtown Portland. It's on the east side of the river, dumb dumbs.

• I used to actively avoid any movie at the Hollywood Theatre if I could help it (it plays independent and obscure films, so it can't totally be avoided if you're interested in movies that don't just string fifty scenes of explosions and bullets together) because it was always so fucking cold. I saw I Don't Know Jack there years ago, and handful of other movies since then. Just last year, I went back to see that documentary made by the brother of that guy in The National and the place has been completely refurbished. No more cold stone concrete floors and breezy everythings! Plus they have a pie window now! Although you have to pay for them. You can't just sneak up and steal them as they cool on the sill.

• Firestorm is captured by Eiling and Major Force. I guess this wasn't yet the issue where things turn around and the hero wins. Maybe next time?

Metamorpho!
• Last issue, Metamorpho and Sapphire Stagg were transported to another planet (or time (or dimension (or plane of existence))). This is a fitting thing to happen in a Metamorpho story because he's fucking weird. It's not a fitting thing to happen in an Aquaman story. I mean, I guess it's okay in an Aquaman story because everybody has huge boners and engorged labias over Ancient Astronauts. So why can't the people of Atlantis also be aliens from another planet! It totally makes sense! I mean, if you believe in fictional things and in things that make less sense than rational explanations of those things.

• This story is called "Brave New World." Sometimes, I fantasize about going back in time to stand over Shakespeare's shoulder as he writes The Tempest and say things like, "You sure you want to use that phrase? 'Brave New World'? Maybe something less likely that people will glom onto in the future? How about 'Check this shit and the weird people in it!'? No? Hey! Bill! You know how you're spending all this time agonizing over word choices and characterizations and stage directions? Guess what will be way more fucking popular than anything you ever write? Guess what more people will parody than your Romeo and Juliet balcony scene? You're totally going to lose your shit over this. Ready? 'Got milk.' Seriously. 'Got milk.' People go fucking nuts over that! Twenty years and people still fucking change the 'milk' part to whatever they're doing and believing they're fucking comedic geniuses! Sorry to bring you down, Bill. I like your shit. Keep up the good work!"

• I fucking hate people who add shit to Wikipedia. I looked up the "got milk?" campaign just to see how old it was. And just because I love to wind myself up and ensure that one day I'll die of a stroke, I scrolled down to read the "Parody and References" section. At first I thought, "Well, there's not enough room on the internet for that shit!" But there were only four examples, probably because "got milk?" isn't usually parodied in Anime. But the last entry by some thick-skulled moron who thinks every fucking thing that they remember while baking themselves on the couch is important was this: "In the Daria episode 'Psycho Thereapy', Jake Morgendorffer, when his efforts to get a glass of milk are thwarted by his wife Helen, roars, 'Got milk? Not Jakey! Dammit!'." What the fuck?! Who fucking cares! Imagine if everybody who ever saw or heard one of these "got milk?" references added them to this page, it would be bigger than the rest of the Internet together! How about I add this blurb: "On the freeway between Snoqualmie and North Bend is a restaurant called 'Got Rice' which is a subtle reference to the 'got milk?' campaign."

• Metamorpho and Sapphire meet the Ancient Astronauts who became the Egyptians. I think. I mean, they're awfully Caucasian looking to be descended from Ancient Egyptian Astronauts. Except the one guy who isn't! So maybe I'm wrong. Except Rex mentions they sound like they're speaking Ancient Egyptian. So maybe I'm right!

• How does Rex know what Ancient Egyptian sounds like?

• Kanjar Ro and his men follow Rex and Saph through the interdimensional planetary otherworldly transport. Remember how they want to use Metamorpho and the Orb of Ra for fuel?

• Saph's ass is my new favorite character.

• Metamorpho is, of course, the Chosen One. I would have chosen Sapph's ass but then I'm a feminist.

• Metamorpho and Sapphire learn that the Egyptians were indeed Ancient Astronauts led by a madman named Dagan Ra. Their first reaction isn't, "Well, that's nuts since everything was already so self-explanatory via all the evidence found by archaeologists." Instead it was, "Oh yeah! Totally. That makes sense! The other stuff we thought about the Egyptians was obviously pure hoodoo nutso nonsense!"

• To thank Sapphire for helping him and believing in him and caring about him and having such a smoking hot booty, Rex makes a diamond from his left testicle and gives it to her. She loves it!

• The story ends with Rex, Saph, and their new friend, Princess Neith, adventuring to find the Orb of Ra. I mean, it ends with a bigger cliffhanger than that, of course! But unless I scan the final page, telling you they encountered a Wolvengot isn't really going to mean anything.

Sugar and Spike!
• Now it's time for my favorite part of this anthology! Although I will say a rare positive thing about Legends of Tomorrow: it's telling stories with beginnings, middles, and ends! I appreciate when writers have a point to their stories and it helps if they know their story will have a definite end. Legends of Tomorrow doesn't feel like the kind of book that is just going to keep on and on with the four different sets of characters they're currently using. Either it'll end when all these stories are told, or it'll keep going with a new character whenever one of the current stories ends. I prefer that kind of comic book than one where the writer just keeps writing and writing and writing and thinking up new stories while sort of forgetting what the old story was to go in a new direction that completely contradicts the old story. I don't have any particular Scott Lobdell in mind when I say that.

• In this issue of Sugar and Spike, Private Investigations (Metahumans a specialty), Wonder Woman needs some help sorting a possible embarrassing situation from her past that she wouldn't want to resurface and ruin her credibility. I can't wait to find out which Golden Age story this is about! According to the cover, she's looking for an annulment from Mr. Monster!

• I think this is another one of those secret messages to me! Hi Giffen! Hi!

• The only real issue I have with Giffen's Sugar and Spike stories is that they rely pretty heavily on a great big wink from Giffen regarding the original Golden Age stories (okay, some Silver Age too, maybe?) they're based on. The story relies on the reader knowing about Batman's weird fucking costumes he's worn in the past, or that Superman once made an island in his own image, or that Wonder Woman almost married a monster. Sure, you can read it without knowing DC once told these stories. But I think much of the fun of the series is that Sugar and Spike are dealing with stupid shit that has been relegated to the dustbin of DC Comics history. But that's also what I truly love about them. Before this, when has anybody written a story that flatly states Wonder Woman's near marriage to Mister Monster is fucking canon? Even if all of the other versions of herself were at the wedding!

The Metal Men!
• The Metal Men story begins with the biggest impossibility I've seen in a DC story in a long time. No, not Robotman being a human brain in a robot. No, not the Metal Men being intelligent metal that can change into any shape at all and do pretty much anything the writer wants them to. No, the impossibility is how The Metal Men pick up actual news reports on an analog television set without an HD Adapter. I suppose the part where I said the Metal Men can become anything trumps my complaint since Tin must have simply turned into rabbit ears and an HD Adapter.

• The short amount of television they pick up is about Red Tornado going nuts at Six Flags. I don't mean he's eating tons of elephant ears and corn dogs and riding coasters until he pukes. I mean he's threatening to kill everybody. Probably because he got drunk at one of the adult food stands.

• The Metal Men borrow one of Niles Caulder's flying inventions and leave the most interesting character in this story behind. I guess Cliff Steele doesn't mind since he's more of a reluctant hero. But I'm sure going to miss him! Now the rest of the story is just going to be inane nonsense bandied about by the stupid Metal Men.

• Red Tornado isn't in control of his actions. His destruction is due to a guy named Nameless! He's a clever re-imagining of the real life hacker group, Anonymous! That was a free fact for stupid people.

• The Metal Men, having empathy for another robot, defeat Red Tornado without tearing him limb from limb like usually happens.

• The story ends with the United States Army surrounding the Metal Men to take them back into custody. They should have said, "You're going to capture us? You and the United States Army and what army?!"

Legends of Tomorrow #2

This thing is thick like a proper magazine.

The Review!
This is a weird book. What is DC thinking publishing a magazine like this? Who besides me is going to keep buying a book that costs eight dollars and might only have one character they're interested in? Are fans of Firestorm, Metamorpho, and The Metal Men big enough fans to pay that price for one regular sized story about the character they love? Maybe with an eight dollar cover price, DC can afford to put out a book like this even when it doesn't sell many units. Even though I'm a huge Metamorpho fan and I love the concept of Giffen's New 52 Sugar and Spike, I'm still disappointed with this book. I was really hoping for a format that brings at least two new characters to the table each month. But we're headed into the third month with the exact same lineup! If I'm going to read some kind of throwback super-sized anthology series for more than one dollar, I at least want some fucking variety! Or maybe just fucking! I'll forgive everything if Rex and Sapphire have a sex scene next issue. Although I'll also accept a sex scene between Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rausch. And maybe Sugar and Spike. And definitely Platinum and Superman! Or--and this is my last exception to the Rex/Saph fuckfest--a full page panel of Doc Magnus shoving Responsometers up his ass. Do you want my eight dollars or not, DC Comics?!

The Commentary!
It's fat books like these that take up all of my time and energy so I'm not going to digress much with this one. This one is going to be bullet points all the way down!

• The Firestorm issue begins with Martin Stein forbidding Jason and Ronald from engaging in homosexual sex. He explains that it's unhealthy for them and their community. What an ignorant bigot! He's as bad as Ronnie's mom!

• Jason and Ronnie discover that their beard is gay. Great! Now maybe they can accept their obscene desires for one another! I don't mean that gay love is obscene. I just mean Ronnie and Jason are into some weird Matrix Merging Firestorm shit.

• Jason blows his internship interview because he decides to reenact that urban legend about Rod Stewart. You know the one involving the stomach pump! Being younger, you may have heard it about Bon Jovi, or maybe one of the Backstreet Boys. I wonder if it's been resurrected about Drake yet. He seems the type that people would believe would collapse at a concert with his stomach full of semen.

• Because Jason's stomach is full of Ronnie's cream filling, he can't become Firestorm anymore. Martin Stein was against two teenage boys having sex so he takes away Jason's power. Instead he gives it to himself because I guess he's a member of NAMBLA where it's okay for a teenage boy to consent to sex as long as it's with a grown man.

• I'm disappointed that this might be the end of Jason Rausch and Ronnie Raymond's love story! Now I've got to read about an icky old pervert scientist slobbering all over the high school quarterback? No thanks!

• The issue ends with General Eiling sending Major Force to take care of Multiplex and probably Firestorm too.

• The Metamorpho story begins with Rex Mason calling Java a super derogatory word for a caveman! It's the M-word, if you're not sure which word I'm talking about. If you're still not sure, don't fucking blame me. I'm not the one that decided adults should speak to other adults like they're speaking to children because a bunch of people are afraid of language. You'll just have to be perplexed because nobody is going to trick me into saying "Monkey"!

• By tricking Java (which is easy because he's such a stupid M-word), Rex escapes from Simon Stagg's clutches. Sapphire decides to escape along with him. Probably because of his titanium cock.

• The Yeti story is true.

• Kanjar Ro has come to Earth to retrieve the power source he loaned Simon Stagg. It may or may not be the Orb of Ra. If it is, I'm guessing it should actually be called the Orb of Ro.

• The power source is actually Metamorpho. Kanjar Ro wants to pour him in his ship's gas tank.

• Rex and Sapphire return the Orb of Ra to its original resting place in the pyramid in Egypt and are taken back in time with the other Outsiders. I mean, um, they're transported to another planet. Probably the one where the ancient aliens who built the pyramids are from!

• Do you realize there are people in this world who both believe the pyramids were built by ancient aliens and believe we never actually went to the moon. Pretty much anybody who calls into Coast to Coast AM or is named Clyde Lewis believe everything that is opposite what anybody of any kind of authority believe. So a scientist says something? Bullshit! He's got an agenda! An expert on ancient architecture explains in a rational way how ancient civilizations built things? Bullshit! She's got an agenda! Anybody says anything that doesn't have anything to do with the paranormal or aliens or hoodoo? Bullshit! It's a great big disinformative lie to obfuscate, inveigle, and deceive.

• The next story is the Sugar and Spike story! It's the one I've been waiting for because I love the premise! Two detectives run a business doing jobs for superheroes to clean up possibly embarrassing (and probably Golden Age) past situations in their lives.

• Come on! How can you not love this concept?! Plus it's reintegrating all of that lost Preboot history! You thought the story about Superman creating an island that looked like himself where he hid all of his Kryptonite was obliterated from the canon?! WRONG, MOTHERFUCKER! And if that story is still true, why can't they all still be true! ALL OF THEM! EVERY SINGLE STUPID FUCKING ONE! YES!

• Sugar and Spike is Keith Giffen's next Ambush Bug and Cheeks the Toy Wonder. Frankly, this idea is genius and I don't think I could ever get enough of it.

• Superman Island has been taken over by a young girl and her evil robot toys. And Sugar and Spike's weapons only shoot tranq darts which probably don't affect robots.

• See?

• Sugar and Spike defeat the toys, get the Kryptonite, and escape from Superman Island. But not before they've made a mortal enemy of the robot toys boss, Toywoman!

• The Metal Men are the last story and I've said everything there is to say about them like how they all want to fuck Superman and how Doctor Magnus keeps the Responsometers up his ass and how Mercury covers every field of battle in toxic waste. I think I'll just end my bullet points here. Unless, of course, somebody gets fucked by a Metal Man.

• Or if a fantastic guest star manages to worm his way into the story!

• Red Tornado also guest stars as a villain since he was hacked by the bad guy. Which I probably didn't need to state because isn't Red Tornado constantly getting hacked by the bad guy? It doesn't really matter since he's going to end this story with his limbs torn off. Just like always! Only losers like Red Tornado!

• No offense meant, The Angry Hero!

Legends of Tomorrow #1

This would be a cool looking book if it weren't marred by the Batman vs Superman advert at the top (which I cropped out!).

Rating: 26 out of 51 DC Comics? I guess? It's hard to recommend a comic book that costs eight dollars just for one story. But at least the one story I highly recommend in this book is the one story that nobody is purchasing it to read: the Sugar and Spike story! So if somebody is interested in this book because of Metamorpho or Firestorm or the Metal Men, they're going to get an enjoyable bonus story! And the other stories are competent enough to satisfy fans of the characters. I just don't think this book is worth the price if you aren't fans of any of the characters on the cover. Is this format DC's new way of introducing possibly monthly comic books? Are they going to weigh the responses from fans on Sugar and Spike or Firestorm to gauge interest in a monthly? I personally like the format because I don't mind spending eight dollars (six with my local comic book shop discount!) for an anthology title. I am disappointed that more of the characters aren't changing next issue (or any of them, possibly!). I really thought this was going to be a bunch of one and done stories.

• This is a really long comic book which would usually take me a really long time to read. But now I'm utilizing bullet points! So instead of dozens and dozens of long-winded paragraphs of digression after digression, I can get lots and lots of ideas out in record time! That might not be a positive.

• Who at DC Comics thought Sugar and Spike needed retooling? I bet it was Geoff Johns.

• The first story is about Firestorm which means it's going to be professional grade slash fiction! I'm getting my dick out right now!

• Ronnie and Jason are still sharing their lives as Firestorm. Martin Stein is their mentor. All of the other Nuclear Men from the horribly titled The Fury of Firestorm the Nuclear Men have died because they didn't have what it takes to merge long term. I guess they weren't romantic enough.

• Ronnie's racist, dog-dick eating mom makes an appearance! Yay! Although I don't think she's as racist as when I first began claiming she was. I mean, she's probably just as not racist as then! I don't think that dating Jason's dad proves she isn't racist because she might just like guys with amputated limbs.

• Jason and Ronnie are still using the same beard.

• Jason's big academic rival is a cute little egghead named Littman. That's probably her last name. I would so have had a crush on her in high school. But she would probably be dating some super cool guy taking drama who would later reveal he's gay. Even if she wasn't dating anybody, it wouldn't matter. I would never have attempted to speak to her and probably just stared at her in the library during lunch.

• Jason is having issues with entering the Slash Fiction Matrix. Now whenever he goes to enter Ronnie, he gets dizzy and sick to his stomach.

• Ronnie and Jason must not be too experienced with intimate matters because after they merge for a bit, they warn Martin Stein that they're going to explode. Yeah, boys. That's supposed to happen! Then you just grab a towel and clean up.

• The Firestorm story is going to be continued. Next up: Metamorpho!

• It's about time Metamorpho appears in the New 52. Aside from his cameos in Batman Incorporated which wasn't entirely a New 52 comic book so it doesn't count. Although how much does this comic book count since no matter what DC Comics says, Rebirth is definitely going to be a reboot. Not the typical reboot! I think they're just going to restructure the New 52 characters so that they incorporate a bunch of their Preboot history.

• The Metamorpho story is also just the first of a multi-part story. Couldn't DC find a writer who could compress each story into twenty pages? I want a Legends of Tomorrow book that is all different legends every month! I'm starting to think this is just a trick to make me pay eight dollars for a monthly Metamorpho book with a bunch of back-up stories I don't want to read!

• Also starring in Metamorpho's comic book are Simon Stagg, Sapphire Stagg, and Java. I wonder how many times Java has been reported to HR for harassing Sapphire? Not that he knows any better! He's just a caveman! They didn't have sexual harassment in his time. According to every sexual harassment video I've had to sit through at various jobs, sexual harassment wasn't discovered until the eighties. Until then, it was simply known as being a secretary.

• Sapphire has all the right Daddy Issues to become a star in the DC You!

• Kanjar Ro has decided to come to Earth to do some Flea Marketing.

• Sapphire begins Florence Nightingaling all over Rex Mason. Java gets jealous and decides it's time to kill Mason before Sapphire can fuck him. I mean free him!

• I should probably retire the joke where I mistakenly type 'fuck' instead of the word I was really going to fuck.

• Speaking of jokes that have been used way too many times, the next story is by Keith Giffen! It's the Sugar and Spike story. I hope their first mystery is called The Case of The Fatal Face Fuck.

• Sugar and Spike engage in that kind of repartee that Giffen makes all of his characters engage in. You know the kind. One person says a thing which the reader has no context for. Then the next person responds to the thing and the reader still has no context. Then the first person says another thing that confuses the reader. Then the other person says another thing that makes no sense. They do this for a number of panels until the reader finally catches on to what they're talking about and starts the story over from the beginning.

• I can't quite remember all of Keith Giffen's work since The New 52 began so I'm just going to sound confident and hope that what I'm about to say is true: this is Keith Giffen's best work since The New 52 began. It's irreverent and paced well and funny. Maybe not in the "ha ha ha my guts hurt and I just pissed myself" funny way that 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown is funny. It's more of a kind of Portlandia funny where you watch it and go "That's clever" or "Oh yeah, I've seen white people do that" or "Christ, this show is so on the nose that it's attracting the kind of people it's making fun of to my fucking city!"

• The gist of the story is that Sugar and Spike are detectives who clean up embarrassing pasts of super-heroes. Alfred hires them to take back all of Batman's lamest Batsuits which Killer Moth somehow acquired and has been snacking on. This is a good bridging story for what I figured Rebirth was going to do! This is one-handed, New 52 Alfred dealing with a bunch of crap from Batman's Preboot history. See? Rebirth!

• The final story is about the Metal Men and I'm just going to end this commentary here and read the story. I'll only be back if there is a panel of Will Magnus with a Responsometer up his ass.

• I'm back! I'm sorry to say that it isn't for the aforementioned reason I gave for my eventual return. Instead I'd just like to say something I'm sure I've said before, along with thousands of DC Comics' fans over time: why the fuck would Doctor Magnus make one of his Metal Men out of mercury?! Every time the Metal Men fight, the whole battlefield has to be thoroughly cleaned by a hazmat team!

• The city is currently being attacked by Missile Men and protesters have taken the time to make signs and gather at the edge of town to protest against robots. Christ, Len! You can't even wait until a proper moment in the story to remind the readers that the populace hates the heroes?!

• I'm fairly certain Iron just climbed into Gold's penis. And it gave Tin an erection.

• I guess I should apologize to Len Wein now. It looks like the protesters have been protesting for three weeks. And the reason the Missile Men were dropped on the city under protest is because that's where the government robot lab is located. I guess I jumped the gun yet again! Stupid stories that eventually make sense making me look like a fool.

• Some guy named Nameless can hack into anything in the world except the Metal Men. Which is why he wants the Metal Men so badly he's willing to screw with every military project he can until he's given access to them. But the military knows how to beat him: destroy the Metal Men once and for all! Ha ha!

• The Metal Men's story continues next issue. Does that mean Sugar and Spike get another story too? Or are they the only ones being replaced next time?

Secret Origins #10

Batgirl
Batgirl's origin was that she saw The Music Man and was all, "Yeah! Girls can do anything boys can do better! I'll show that Batman!" Then she drove around Gotham on her moped fighting crime. Robin saw her one night and was all, "Batman! Batman! We have to train that red headed girl so that she doesn't get hurt and also because I have no confidence and am not willing to ask her out like a normal person so I'll get to know her by sparring with her!" And Batman was all, "Yeah, okay, whatever."

I think I totally nailed the essence of Batman's character in my guess about Batgirl's origin. And it is a guess because I have no idea what her origin really was. I'm sure it involved a motorcycle though! And a burning desire to prove that a girl can be a hero as well. And maybe a little rebelliousness because she was tired of being the straight laced daughter of the Commissioner. And if women are anything like men (I'm willing to bet they are, contrary to what the media tells me!), she was probably mostly doing it to score cocks. I mean "cocks" as in the opposite of "chicks" and not "cocks" as in the opposite of "pussies". I mean "pussies" as in "vaginas" and not "pussies" as in "cats" because you might think since I was talking about cocks, I might bring cats into it. And by "cocks," I meant "roosters"!

I'm confused. You know what? Let's move on!

Is this one of those activity books where I'm supposed to draw in the naughty bits?

I think I got most of that right.

I might have gotten the crotch of the woman wrong because I was assuming women have hair there but then I saw this year's cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue and now I'm not so sure.

Hell, I'm not sure there's any room left down there for anything! Are female mannequins actually anatomically correct? What does the pee come out of?!

I'd like to point out that the above picture is not, technically, pornography. It's right there on the cover of Sports Illustrated for everybody to see. So, ladies, the next time you're in a checkout line in the grocery store with this magazine on the rack and at least one man in the same line as you, realize that you are in the presence of a semi-erect penis.

Batgirl's secret origin begins with her in one of those medical tubes that scans your body. I don't have time to ask Lord Google what it's called! You know what I'm talking about! It's got magnetic in the name so I know Babs isn't wearing a bra in the following scene where she and her father are talking to the doctor. I guess Jim's glasses are all plastic.

Babs is being scanned to check out the damage to her spine so this is a few years earlier. I hope it's not too many years earlier since she's only just turned twenty-one and now I'm feeling weird about having painted six nipples onto her underage body!

Aha. So this must be the explanation as to how her mind was able to be scanned and copied and turned into some A.I. nemesis!

Barbara meets Frankie in the hospital, so they've known each other for some time now. I was under the assumption that she just found the apartment on gotham.craigslist.org.

Barbara remembers that story from Batgirl #0 where she donned some police kevlar made up to look like a Batman suit to save her soon-to-be-a-serial-killer brother from some thugs raiding the Gotham Police Department. And then she beat the crap out of this huge guy, after which Batman walked in and caught her making muscles and yelling, "Who just got owned, bitch?!" So that's how she got the idea to become Batgirl. I totally forgot about that origin!

Pretty soon the Narrator, who claimed to be Batgirl even though it's been in computerized font, begins to see images from Gail Simone's run of Batgirl and Duane Swierczynski's run of Birds of Prey which it doesn't recognize.

This isn't Batgirl's origin at all! It's the origin of Batgirl's thesis!

Batgirl Secret Origin Rating: +2 Ranking. This was pretty clever. We've already had Batgirl's origin (even if I'd forgotten it! That was like two and a half years ago!) but this was a cute way to remind everybody of it while also delving into other parts of her life that have been left pretty vague. It's also a nice look at her time as New 52 "Oracle." While that character never really existed, we get Barbara writing a computer program that uses her abilities to ferret out crime. Sounds an awful lot like Oracle to me. But now her criminology thesis has gone AWOL, become sentient, and has decided to take her down because she's an imposter. It's even been calling her boyfriend and engaging in art projects! After Batgirl defeats it, will she imprison it in a computer in Belle Reve where it will eventually work with the Suicide Squad?

Firestorm
Oh boy! A Firestorm romance story! It's been too long since I've read about Ronnie and Jason's boners for each other. I bet this origin story will be about how Jason developed a crush on the high school quarterback, Ronnie Raymond. But Ronnie knew, high school being a hive of scum and villainy, the other guys would give him the business if they knew he was gay. So he had to pretend not to like Jason. He pretended so hard that he even believed it was true that he didn't like Jason. This caused a lot of conflict and missed connections. But then they did it and boom! Firestorm! But Ronnie still pretends that they don't do it. He only rubs pee-pees with Jason for justice, not for sexy good time feelings.

Well, not exactly!

Poor Tonya. All that delicious man-meat around her and none of it trying to find its way between her legs or into her mouth. You can tell she's sexually frustrated from the YouTube video she's making. "Blow you." "Two dudes." "Always had a chance." "Plenty of notice." Tonya needs it bad!

"Yeah, mom. That dog's dick was delicious!"

"I'd give my left arm if I could watch it all the time!"

Well, not exactly!

Tonya is trying to paint this picture of two guys that were complete opposites because everybody knows how opposites attract! And how they complete each other! And how they do anal!

Eventually, Ronnie and Jason each turned into a different version of Firestorm. They were complete opposites! One was red and yellow while the other was yellow and red! One had the insignia on his right side and the other on his left side! It was so adorable. You could just tell at that moment they were created that they had been made for each other!

Tonya describes their triumphs and travails as they battled people like Pozhar and Multiplex to eventually catch the eye of the Justice League. She's making the recording for posterity. Or for a super villain to find and exploit! That reason for the video would be more exciting. But mostly, she's making it for her friends.

Aw! These two!

Firestorm Origin Story Rating: +1 Ranking. This origin story could have been a little bit better if we'd learned more about Ronnie's racist mother or how Jason's father regained his left arm! I guess those will just have to remain intriguing mysteries to be delved into when Firestorm eventually gets his own series again.

Poison Ivy
Preboot Poison Ivy's origin story had something to do with having sex with a college professor who then broke her heart and deserved to be fed to a gigantic Venus Fly Trap. Or something. I spent too much time on the other two origins so I'm running out of steam here! That was the best I could do.

Oh! But I do remember that in The New 52, her mother was abused by her father so she killed him and buried him in the garden. She also may have been abused.

This issue seems to be a Christy Marx anti-fan fiction about Monsanto.

Go get 'em, Pam!

This is one of the reasons we know our legal system is corrupt and functions best for those who have the money to keep the gears greased: Monsanto has been able to sue small farmers for theft when their soybean crops have been corrupted by Monsanto's genetically engineered crops. For the life of me, I've never understood how that lawsuit isn't the reverse. How do the farmers not have a case against Monsanto for ruining their crops? The small farmers don't want Monsanto's bullshit crops. And especially if it's an organic farm! Their entire company is ruined if they're tainted by genetically modified soybeans! How is that not a suit against Monsanto for damage done to their business and reputation? Logically, it drives me nuts. But I already answered those questions previously with that whole thing about money driving the legal system. If you have enough, you can sue for any fucking thing in the world, even if you know you won't win. If you've got enough, you just keep dragging your feet until your opponent's lawyer's fees drive them out of the case. America! Fuck yeah!

Poison Ivy makes her way to the CEO of Descanto where she kisses him which, as we all know, now means he's under her control. She asks him to drop the lawsuit and pay the organic farmer reparations. Now that's what should be happening! Then she tells him her origin story because why not? Well, I know why not! If she doesn't then she's blemishing the title of this comic book!

Okay, so I can't remember shit very well.

Poison Ivy goes on to get a doctorate in Sexy Mind Control which leads to a job at Wayne Enterprises. Just her luck, the CEO of that company is the only person in Gotham immune to Sexy Mind Control! So she loses that job and is covered in her secret serum sauce as security manhandles her out of the building. Then she began fucking a sexy clown and running around with a group called The Birds of Prey even though Poison Ivy isn't any kind of bird that I've ever heard of. I mean, bats aren't birds either but at least that's closer. And I guess Katanas are something totally different as well. I guess the group was just named that because the members were birds (you know, girls! Chicks! Females even!) and/or had bird themes (like Condom! I mean Condor!).

The only problem with this story is that it's fiction. Where's our real life Poison Ivy to stick it to Monsanto?!

Poison Ivy Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. Most of this was already covered in Poison Ivy #1 but it was informative in other ways that made it worth reading! Christy Marx hits all the good points about what makes genetically modified crops, and the business surrounding them, bad ideas for humans and the world. I'm not staunchly against genetically modified organisms! But I'm definitely against irresponsibility when it comes to creating and using them. Creating seeds that can sprout but cannot create new seeds which can sprout themselves, and then putting these seeds out into the world where they can cross-pollinate with other plants resulting in more infertile and dead end plants is simply insane. But perhaps genetically modified crops can be used to correct some of the mono-culture mistakes we've made in the past. Perhaps. It's also possible that creating new crops of species that used to have many varied types but were farmed by us into one plant could be like introducing foxes into Australia to cure the rabbit problem. Now I think we really need a Poison Ivy to fix our world!

Futures End #38

This commentary is about to get confusing! Just remember that that one is Terry McBatman and the other one is Batman McBatman and that final one is Joker McBatman. Easy peasy!

JokerMcBatman is currently trying to kill Terry McBatman so that Brother Eye's current future can remain the present's definite future and not wink out of existence the way futures never do. Or always do? It's hard to say! I probably shouldn't try to understand it logically and just understand it comic-bookally. So comic-bookally, currently, in the immediate present, only Brother Eye's future where he's taken over everything exists. That's thirty years in the future (according to the five years in the future present that is taking place in Futures End!). And that's the only future that exists right now because everything in the present (future present, not present present!) is working out exactly right for that one specific future to occur and not one of the other ones from the infinite amount of other ones that could possibly wind up existing. Forget about all of those other ones because they don't exist so there are no future people in them worrying about traveling back in time to make sure their timeline comes to fruition. That just gets too complicated and an infinite amount of time travelers would just keep appearing and making trouble for Batman. Only the bad Brother Eye future exists and it will exist until Terry McBatman changes some critical things which will make everything different somehow and, hopefully, better.

But really, who cares? If you're ever in a situation where you love your life and somebody says, "I'm going back in time to change the future!", don't chase them back in time to make sure the future doesn't change. Just say, "Okay! Bye! Have fun!" Since you're currently where you are, things worked out in the past to get you there. Nobody is going back in time to change things. If they do go back in time, you still don't have to worry because they'll just create an offshoot dimension of your dimension. They'll basically remove themselves from your system and create an entirely new system whose future will be different. But you don't have to worry about that because remember that thing about how you exist already? Paradoxes don't happen. Probably! Maybe, just in case, you should send a cyborg after them to kill everything it meets.

Actual backwards time travel has two options. Option one is that everything happens the way it happens and has always happened that way. Which means that the person from the future appeared in the past and whatever they did was just part of their past. They'll always go back in time to fix whatever they want to fix and they never do fix it because they always have the motivation to go back to fix it. This is the way time travel works on Lost and Time Crimes. Option two is that the time traveler is removed from the current timeline and winds up in a new timeline that's an offshoot of the original timeline at the point where the time traveler arrives in the past. Primer is an excellent example of this kind of time travel. Back to the Future could theoretically be this kind of time travel except I think it loses the emotion and urgency if you don't believe that Marty is acting in one timeline alone. It's a good trilogy so I'll endure its shoddy time travel theories because it mostly plays by a consistent set of rules.

But time travel is all just fiction and speculation anyway, so who am I to say there are only two options?! I'm a fucking killjoy! Especially since I didn't really support one of my favorite versions of time travel which is used in Mostly Harmless where the newfangled Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy actually manipulates the time stream on the fly so that if you need a passing ship, it just changes everything in the timeline that needs to be have previously happened to suddenly have a ship flying overhead. That's a bit more like multidimensional capabilities though. Or omnipotence!

Batman McBatman! Meet Joker McBatman!

Joker McBatman takes an exploding brick to the head so that Terry McBatman has a few moments to fill in Batman McBatman on what is going on. Batman McBatman is all, "Yes, yes. I see. That's quite plausible. Only I could possibly have been responsible for the domination of Earth. And only I could possibly save it! To T-Tech!" Then he disappears while everybody's back is turned and they're all, "Wait? What? Where do we go?" Then Batman McBatman has to reappear and be all, "Um, come on. This way."

Terry McBatman remains behind to lead Joker McBatman on a wild goose chase.

Over in Metropolis, Doctor Polaris gets the stuffing beaten out of him by Superman (Psst! It's really Billy Batson!). But Firestorm saves his life because Firestorm still needs him and Ronnie Raymond's corpse if Madison and Jason are ever going to be separate again.

Elsewhere, Grifter is having mommy issues. Most of them have to do with Twofer Lana Lang suddenly claiming to be Fifty Sue's mom. Some of them have to do with penguins.

Don't worry, this issue also deals with some daddy issues too.

it wouldn't be a DC Comic without a daddy issue theme cropping up. And this is one of the most famous cases of daddy issues!

Futures End #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. I didn't like how Terry McBatman and Batman McBatman did not get into any kind of discussion about what the fuck is going on. I suppose Batman McBatman has been spying on him long enough to take him at his word? But still! Batman McBatman just came face to face with his future self stitched onto the back of The Joker's head and all he says is "T-Tech?" and "What is going on here?" What about "How the fuck are you from the future?" and "What are you supposed to change in the past?" and "If I'm partly to blame, why didn't you come see me first?" and "That Plastique has some ass, right? *batwink, batwink, batnudge, batnudge*" and "Why is my future self grafted to the future Joker?" and "I"m not doing anything you tell me to until you explain yourself!" and maybe even a few POWS! and BIFFS! and BOFFS! for good measure.

I didn't like the Firestorm scene because it was mostly Doctor Polaris wanting Stormguard to know that he appreciated his service for the country before Polaris kills him. I did like that Firestorm decided to treat his concerns legitimately even if his debate tactics were horrendous and childlike. Sometimes punching isn't the solution, guys!

I enjoyed the scene with Fifty Sue and her new parents. They're kind of a cute family.

I didn't like that Frankenstein's favorite poet was Milton. Pee-yuke!

Futures End #32

When did Galactus enter this story?

Are we at the big surprise reveal where we find out that there is a Brainiac above the normal Collector of Worlds Brainiac that is a Collector of Universes Brainiac? No? Okay. I guess we'll just read some more filler until then.

Five years in the Futures End future, people still wear puffy jackets and handlebar mustaches. I find that hard to swallow! Shouldn't everybody be wearing invisible skin warming plasticine which shows off every nook and cranny because in five years we'll all be above such bourgeois notions of nakedness, and everyone has stopped tittering relentlessly when they see other people's ding-dongs and doo-dads? That's how I see the future! A relentless onslaught of penises and vaginas passing by and nobody is turned on in the least, thanks to a daily Governmental cocktail composed of lithium, birth control, and diabetic medications. Oh yeah, we're all super fat and unhealthy in five years as well!

See? Fat and unhealthy! And Coke rules with an iron, yet mouth puckeringly sweet, fist.

This is the kind of dialogue that brings a comic book to life and helps the reader to feel they're sneaking a glimpse at a story that could possibly be taking place just on the other side of some wispy veil separating realities. It's not magical dialogue. It's not intellectual dialogue on profound themes. It's just an unimportant side character stating an opinion contrary to Plastique's opinion. I think, too often, a writer will want to put forth their own opinions of the world through the mouths of the characters instead of building characters with their own perspectives, perspectives that often differ with one another. And while some people might focus on the fact that a grown man has never had a slice of pizza, this pizza guy doesn't bat an eye at that and just points out, from his experience, she's giving a newbie the wrong slice. It's really just a throw away moment that many people might skim past while wondering when the action will start. But moments like this are important. Mundane moments with characters actually interacting with one another instead of being mouthpieces for the writer's opinions. This helps me to connect with the story and the characters. Now maybe when Plastique finally faces her demise, I might actually remember her excited face from this scene as she introduces pizza to a new friend, and her interaction with this working guy that makes sense, and I might fucking care a little bit.

Maybe. It's also possible I'll completely forget this scene in the next twenty minutes.

Terry McBatman is lucky she didn't make his face explode.

Judging by the above scene, I don't think Future-Brother-Eye-Infected Plastique was attacking Terry McBatman in Futures End issues zero and one. She was just trying to give him a kiss.

Cole Cash is busy trying to get his Earth-Main-Earth Registration Card so people will stop thinking he's a Twofer. Or so they stop thinking he's Lana Lang's husband. That could get him in trouble with Superman! Except this is Twofer Lana Lang and I don't think Superman gives a shit about Twofer Lana Lang. If only Cole's brother wasn't a gigantic corpse, they could use him as a character witness. Cole's only choice now is to deal with being thought of as the Earth-2 version of himself (even though he's from the Wildstorm Earth already! Right? The one that merged with the Vertigo and the Main Earth!) or spend six months in lockup as he waits for an inquiry into his origins.

My recommendation to Grifter is that he doesn't go to court. He doesn't want his history dredged up because does he really want to be reminded that he starred in the worst comic of the initial batch of New 52 comics?

The whole toilet seat up or down thing is Sexist Comedy 101 that I could rant about for hours. But since this repartee is adorable, I think I can let it slide this time.

Meanwhile, Fifty Sue becomes Mini-Deathstroke With Pigtails. And by "pigtails," I mean "two unbraided bunches of hair on opposite sides of Fifty Sue's head." Pigtails is easier to say.

The guy on the cover turns out to be what Dr. Yamazake has become. He's an incorporeal being with the power to control magnetism. So he built himself the Different-Enough-From-Galactus-To-Not-Be-Sued suit and begins plotting his revenge against The Justice League. Although can he really call it revenge when they've done nothing to him at all and every slight he believes they've committed against him is entirely made up in his own mind? Isn't that something other than revenge?

And finally, Ray Palmer's Stormwatch has arrived back at Earth. Or at least "an Earth." I'm sure it's not the Earth they think it is. I bet it's...PREBOOT EARTH! But before they can investigate it, Hawkman and The Engineer need to fuck.

The Engineer must be infected by a self-hating, low self-esteem causing virus because ick.

Ray Palmer's Stormwatch is intercepted by Father Time and taken aboard The Ant Farm, SHADE headquarters. They want The Engineer to help them defeat Brainiac and Father Time is willing to release every monster in The Zoo to get her. I guess next issue will be Godzilla versus Frankenstein! How come that was never a Universal Picture?

Futures End #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Terry McBatman had better stop flirting with Plastique and get on with the Case of the Mister Terrific's Murderer (Hint: It will be Terry McBatman!). Mister Terrific is about to release his uSpheres into New York city and then that will be that. Lois Lane will get her hands on one and then she'll sync up her Brother Eye infected phone to her Brainiac infested uSphere and everybody can kiss the world goodbye. Then Lois will be all, "uSphere, find me the most authentic Indian cuisine in the area that delivers at one in the morning." And her uSphere will be all, "UNH UNH UNH TAKE IT, BROTHER EYE! TAKE MY FULL DATA STREAM!" And her phone will be all, "I HOPE YOU'RE USING WPA2 BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WIND UP WITH A SELF-REPLICATING EXECUTABLE!" And Lois will be, "I'm starving!"

Futures End #31

Guess who had a cookie today?! Me!

Why are people so sad that Ronnie Raymond died? It's not like Firestorm died! Just the self-hating homosexual star quarterback! I can see why his lover, Jason Rusch, would be sad. But that's about it. As long as Firestorm is still kicking about, the Justice League has no reason to give a fuck. Plus the new Firestorm has tits! The Justice League needs more tits! I mean women! I hope nobody was offended that I said "tits" when I meant "women." It's a natural mistake being that I'm so super masculine and manly, I can't even hide how much I love to do it to women! Whenever I'm up in the club, the other guys always come up to me and go, "Duuuuude! I might as well be a woman!" And I'm all, "Yeah, bra. Totes." Then I giggle and continue to dance with my hands in the air causing my crop top to rise up to expose my belly ring up front and my thong in the back. Then the babes all flock to me and dance all around me and occasionally one of them will get really close to my face and shout over the throbbing bass, "You should meet my brother." And I'm all, "Yeah? Cool." Because I guess her brother is totally masculine and cool too and we could watch football together and shotgun beers and belch and stuff.

I really love waffle fries too, so I guess that's like a totally manly man thing to do. Some time when I meet a super hot chick that's totally the kind of woman that manly men would go for, I'm going to sidle up to her and say, "Hey, my little chile pepper. How'd you like to go back to my place. We could eat waffle fries and marathon some Mad Men." And she'll be all, "Which seasons?" And I'll be all, "Four and five of the former, garlic salt and a dash of red pepper flakes on the latter. I mean, the other way around. Dammit! I totally screwed that up." Then we'd probably wind up married or something with like dozens of kids cause I probably have super sperm being that I'm so super manly. And she'd probably die in child birth on the 25th kid and I'd be so sad and despondent but at the funeral, all the ladies would be all, "Want to do it in the casket?" And I'd be all, "Oh yeah!" Then they'd see me opening my wife's casket and they'd be all, "No, no! We meant in an empty one!" Then I'd totally blush and act embarrassed which would be so super manly that all of their clothes would fall right off and even the priest would have to admit that he was turned on a little by my manliness.

I probably shouldn't brag so much about my gift! You poor comic book loving dorks are probably super envious of me right now and wishing you were half as manly as I am. Well, I have some advice for you: stop wearing those superhero t-shirts that look like they were airbrushed in a kiosk at the state fair. Those are totally not manly. Also, eat more corndogs in public. That's super hot.

Okay, stop thinking about my manliness! It's time to concentrate on Futures End where Lois Lane is holding a press conference to get as many people as possible to visit her website. Hey! That's a good idea! I bet one of the crappy local news station in this area would be willing to do a story on me since I live in the area and am local and they're total fucking whores who don't really report real news anyway.

Is it really an international coverup? Or is it just an out of control corporation with the world's deadliest mercenary slash superhero bounty hunter on its payroll?

As Lois exposes Cadmus's crimes to the world, Brother Eye plays Angry Birds on her cell phone. Except who plays Angry Birds anymore? Just insert whatever the newest waste of time app is most popular in place of Angry Birds. I don't have a smart phone, so how should I know how the masses are bringing about the end of the world?

Back on Green Arrow Island (narcissist much?), Animal Man and his brood come for a visit. Looks like Buddy and Ollie have become fast friends after all that flirting they've been doing over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

It's been five years and Cliffy hasn't returned from the dead? What kind of second-rate comic book world is this?

I may be a bit lukewarm to most of this Futures End stuff, but Buddy and Ollie hanging out together on Green Arrow Beach on Green Arrow Island drinking Green Arrows from the Green Arrow Beach Bar is a sweet and emotional moment that made me tear up a bit. In a manly way! The way men tear up when they've flexed too many muscles at once!

Opposite this page was a nightmare inducing advertisement for SuperHeroStuff.com. Although I think I might want to fuck Robin now while slapping the stupid grin from Nightwing's face.

I hope Ollie has banned all technology from the island so that when Brother Eye takes over, he can stay in retirement.

Meanwhile in Tunguska, Constantine and Superman (and some Brainiac devotee named Midge (should I remember her?!)) meet up with Ursa Major, some cosmic Brainiac Bear that, I suppose, arrived in 1908 according to the best television show to ever show on television, In Search Of. Although they might not have mentioned the bear back then. I think that was a secret up until now.

Speaking of a bear, have you read N. Scott Momaday's The Ancient Child? I don't know who it would resonate with but it spoke to me while in college as I was in a major transformative time of my life. It didn't hurt that it revolved around the Kiowa myth of Devil's Tower, an object I practically revered as a young child. Just, you know, a book suggestion for all you college kids!

Constantine tells Superman that he needs to go back home to stop Brainiac and his harvesting. I think. I hate to admit any weakness being that I'm hypermasculine, but I'm really not quite sure what it's all about. The Bear told Superman he would be spared because Brainiac liked his dad. But he doesn't seem to offer an alternative to Earth being harvested!

Back in Pittsburgh, Ronnie and Madison try to come to terms with being merged together permanently.

That sly dog! Jason mentions Madison thinking about Tim's cock because he wants her to start thinking about Tim's cock!

Madison decides not to tell Tim Drake that she's alive because then Jason Rusch might get a sneak peak at all the things she wants to do to Tim and who wants Jason Rusch orgasming in her head?

Futures End #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better when it takes its time with its scenes. I think because there were so many "deaths" last issue, the writers felt the story could use a little down time this issue. Plus Ronnie Raymond needed to be buried. I'm mostly excited to watch Buddy and Oliver's friendship develop into the close friendship seen in this issue. And since Jeff Lemire is working on both, I'm optimistic that he'll continue to develop it over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

Futures End #29

Jason Rusch looks totally disgusted with having to merge with a female!

Now I don't know which ex-Firestorm lad is going to merge with Madison Payne! The "Next Time in Futures End" pictures from last issue made it look like Ronnie was terrified of merging with a girl. But now it looks like Jason! Unless it will wind up being Tim Drake! Is that why Tim Drake doesn't exist in the future? Has he become the disembodied head that speaks to Firestorm first popularized by Martin Stein? Then Ronnie and Jason will realize that they can never merge as Firestorm again and they'll have to use the old fashioned butt merging system instead.

On the way to rescue Madison, Tim Drake lets Ronnie Raymond know that they've met before when Firestorm thumbed his nose at an invite to the Teen Titans. Of course he did! Why would Firestorm join the Titans, a rinky-dink organization full of high school drama and constant backbiting, when he could join the Justice League, a big league operation full of high school drama and constant backbiting? Why join the team with the Wanna-be Batman when you can join the team with Real Deal Batman?! Oh wait! I know why! Because joining the Titans gives you more opportunities to get laid!

Jason Rusch makes it to Doctor Yamazake's lab first. He sees Madison in the teleportation tube and yells, "Stop! You can't do this to Ronnie Raymond's beard!" And Madison is all, "Whut? Beard? Fuck. Of course he's gay! Just get it over with and Brundlefly me already." And Doctor Yamazake is all, "I CANNOT BE STOPPED!" or maybe "I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" or possibly "SUCK MY DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Whichever one would sound catchier at the end of a movie trailer.

Oh yeah! Firestorm is going to turn into a three-way! Although that might be a bit awkward for Madison. She'll spend most of her time going, "Um. Hello. Vagina being ignored over here!"

Madison learns that Jason Rusch is Firestorm and she begins to realize that when people keep secrets, it isn't all about her feelings. Or anything about her feelings at all, for that matter. No wait, she doesn't realize that at all. She still thinks that everybody owes her the complete and utter truth about themselves no matter how much they want to leave their past behind them, or how much they're trying to protect the people they're close to, or for whatever fucking reason they have for keeping a secret from her that has nothing to fucking do with her! Now I want Doctor Yamazake to Brundlefly her ass already!

By the power of Gayskull!

It kind of sucks that Firestorm is getting rejiggered here in Futures End (although, how much of this story will become canon anyway? I have a feeling that Madison Payne will become the future Firestorm but how does DC bring that about when this whole Futures End story arc never winds up actually happening? Oh, they'll figure it out in some spectacularly boring and undramatic way, I'm sure!) because I was hoping that Jason and Ronnie would eventually come to terms with their homosexuality and their incredible love and passion for each other. Up until now, Ronnie has been extremely resistant to his true passions because he was raised in the culture of high school football as the star quarterback who was supposed to bang as many cheerleaders as possible. I guess the best we were going to get with Firestorm and a happy ending between Jason and Ronnie took place in The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #0 where they were married.

No, seriously. Go get your hands on a copy of that issue. They get married. I don't know how that wasn't a huge deal! Was I the only one that wept at their vows?

I know I lie about shit all the time but I'm not lying about the marriage! It happened! It wasn't a hallucination or a wet dream!

I think Ronnie was going to say "...to fuck" but Firestorm should work too. You know, being a symbol of them fucking.

Great! Now Madison is going to be hurt even more! Ronnie and Jason were both lying to her about being Firestorm and about their sexuality?! Don't they know that by not telling her it hurts her feelings? Jerks.

Goddammit! This actually made me tear up. If you haven't read The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men as a story about two gay youths coming to terms with their sexuality and their love for each other, you might not experience the same emotional impact here.

The teleportation sequence finishes and a huge explosion occurs, Brundleflying everybody in the room. Maybe. I don't know. A Firestorm with boobs flies out of the chaos though! Just like on the cover! So thanks again, cover, for spoiling everything! Hopefully this new version of Firestorm is Madison Payne (well, duh! Obviously since nobody else in the explosion had breasts) with Ronnie and Jason both inside the Slash Fiction Matrix in her mind. She screams "Oh, my Gawwwddddd!" when created and maybe that's less about the feeling of flying and the incredible power surging through her body and more about Jason and Ronnie fucking the fuck out of each other in her brain.

So many sads. ROOOOONNNNNNNNIIIIIEEEEE!

Poor Ronnie. He'll never eat another home cooked dinner of dog's dick with his mom again. Granted, his mom has been dead since the Earth-2 War but I wanted to mention that time he once ate a dog's dick with her. I'm not lying! Pick up The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #1 and look at the dog's dick he's eating on the page where he's eating a dog's dick! Totally not lying. Maybe I'm poorly interpreting what I'm seeing! But I'm not lying!

Tim enters the ruins of the lab where he finds Ronnie's Brundleflied body. Ronnie dies in Tim's arms having never told Jason Rusch how he truly felt.

Futures End #29 Rating: I can't believe this comic book went one full issue concentrating on one single story! Holy shit! Revolutionary! I don't have plot whiplash today! I also thought it was a good origin story for the new Firestorm. Like I said, I've got a feeling Madison and Jason will be the Firestorm of DC's future no matter how this Futures End comic book gets wedged into DC Continuity. I'll be sad not to have the Ronnie/Jason relationship anymore though. But now Madison can go around lying to people and feeling justified about it and realizing she was a total dick for trying to demand that everybody be completely honest with her no matter what the cost to the other person. How dare people keep secrets!