Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book Three

Finally! The Forbidden Love shall be unforbidden! And hopefully graphic!

Last issue ended with the shocking twist revelation that Adelia was the bad ghost. But she's only the bad ghost when Nathan exits his writing room and enters the part of the house she can haunt. Then she loses her fucking shit because he's just another man ruining a lesbian's life by loving her and trying to marry her. Berenice, the lesbian fiance, wants to marry him for some reason. I suppose she could be bisexual but the story isn't playing out that way. If it were, Berenice would be happy to marry Nathan and fuck Sam on the side. I don't know how happy that would make Sam or Nathan though. But who cares?! This isn't their story!

But this is also Adelia's story. Adelia the ghost was murdered by her husband, probably because of the same reasons she's freaking out over Nathan. Her husband didn't want her fucking the female neighbor.

I suppose this is Deadman's story too although he just seems to be a witness to the events and the connection to DC continuity. He's also the man whose eyes emasculated comic book reading males can peer through so they don't feel like they were tricked into reading a story about women and how women like to fuck other women and don't need men at all. That's really kind of a clever ploy by Sarah Vaughn! Use the hero "Deadman" to show that men are dead and unnecessary!

Adelia has just attacked Nathan but Deadman drove her back into purgatory where she can face the revelation that she's the bad ghost. Meanwhile, Nathan, Berenice, and Sam discuss what happened.

Berenice: "It was a ghost!"
Nathan: "You must be having female problems!"
Sam: "I believe you!"
Berenice: "That's all I've ever wanted to hear! Let's fuck!"

Geez, Sam. Put your vagina back in your pants. You had her at "I believe you."

Nathan passes out because he's not really needed for this story. Unless at some point he's going to threaten to kill Berenice as he relives the past history of the house and then Deadman will have to possess him (against his will! Shocking!) to save the day. But until then, it's just Boston, Sam, Berenice, and Adelia left to solve the mystery. And the only place they have yet to search for clues is in Nathan's writing study! I hope it's filled with corpses and used Kleenex.

The study isn't filled with crumpled up balls of papers that compromise the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth drafts of Nathan's crappy novel. Instead, they discover spell books full of the dark arts. It appears Nathan is really a lich! He has somehow extended his life through the murdering of his wives on their wedding night. Probably. This revelation leads to Nathan trying to murder Sam and Berenice so that his secret remains safe: as long as the house stands, he lives. I guess murdering his wife didn't have anything to do with magic. He probably just didn't like that she was fucking all the women in town.

Oh Deadman. Rape is never okay.

Once Deadman enters Nathan, he's flooded with the memories of Nathan's long life across a couple of centuries. It's convenient because he finally gets the whole story. There's not as much forbidden love as I was hoping.

While the ghosts fight among themselves, Berenice and Sam burn the house to the ground. And then fuck, I hope? I'm starting to get annoyed with this comic book. How dare DC Comics subtitle a book "Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love" and then forget to include the forbidden graphic love.

Berenice and Sam never kiss let alone finger-bang. I think finger-banging was the Forbidden Love. I wonder how much finger-banging is happening all around us in public at any time? I bet at least a couple cases in every movie theater I've ever been in!

The Ranking!
No change. This was the least sexy book about forbidden love I've ever read. I suppose that shouldn't be shocking considering this book was also about multiple corpses.

Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book Two

At first I thought the forbidden love would be buttsex but it turns out it's lesbianism. I'm not disappointed.

• The back cover has a picture of Deadman looking perplexed with a quote underneath reading, "I don't know what comes after death." Answer: Death's wife!

• The story so far: a man in the olden times had a wife who wanted to fuck another woman but he was all, "No way! Forbidden love!" And she was all, "Oh yeah! Forbidden love!" And he was all, "You will haunt this house forever with your sexy woman on woman hauntings because I feel emasculated by this and also I have this gun!" And she was all, "Good! I'd rather be dead than to lie with you!" And he was all, "Oh my god! I didn't think I could be emasculated more while threatening a woman's life with my surrogate phallus! I should have all the power!" And she was all, "You have no power here!"

• Later, a woman named Berenice who is going through the same issues as the dead lesbian in the white dress moves into the mansion with her husband. But Berenice is all, "My husband is a bore and I want to fuck Sam the genderqueer lesbian neighbor! And also I hoped I used the terms 'genderqueer,' 'lesbian,' and 'neighbor' correctly!" Deadman arrived because nobody would buy this comic book from DC if it didn't have some kind of link to DC Continuity! Also I think the writer wanted to discuss the inappropriateness of his entering people without their consent. Why not ruin that fun little comic book detail with modern thoughts and awarenesses?! Now every time I see Deadman possess somebody, I'm going to think he's raping them.

• This issue begins with Deadman in some purgatorial space with the ghost in the white dress, Adelia. Deadman merges with Adelia but not in the boinking kind of way I was hoping for. Instead he smashes his face into hers and learns some of her memories. Wait a second. Is smashing your face into somebody else's face boinking? I don't think it is because I didn't feel anything stir in my pants.

• Deadman and Adelia learn that she was stabbed to death. That's different than how I said earlier because I wanted the murder to include the phallic imagery of a gun. I suppose I could do the same with a knife since it's built to penetrate and is often used to do so violently. That's practically a penis.

• After discussing what it's like to be dead and filling Deadman with doubts as to his superhero status (he realizes he's probably just another ghost angry at having been murdered and refusing to move on as opposed to a tool of Rama), Adelia and Boston return to the physical realm to see if Berenice has realized that this story is about lesbians.

• Berenice has been going through Adelia's stuff for days while Deadman was off in purgatory. She's discovered some clues to the Case of the Forbidden Love but she doesn't get a chance to mention them because her husband walks in. Coincidentally (or not so coincidentally, hmm?!), the evil ghost appears at the same time and drives Deadman away and Adelia into a dead faint. I didn't want to use "dead faint" there but it couldn't be helped because I wanted to be as accurate as possible in my describing what happened. I wish what I could have said was "Adelia removes all of her clothes and shows Berenice where to put her tongue."

• Nathan, Berenice's husband (or fiance. Whatever. It doesn't really matter), just stopped by to say how he knows it's been a long time since they fucked but he's really into his writing right now. And Berenice is all, "That's okay! I'm really into Sam!" Then the evil ghost probably snickers in the shadow and rubs his hands maniacally because he gets to see the forbidden love story repeat itself.

• Berenice leaves the house to go find more clues about the Case of the Forbidden Love. Before she leaves, she and the ghost, Adelia, almost fuck. I mean, they looked at each other a certain way and their lips were really close together and that means they want each other, right? That's how it always begins in movies. Oh, and, um, in my life when I had sexual relations with all of those women at camp.

• That was the end of Chapter Three from Deadman's perspective. Chapter Four follows Berenice as she goes into town to look for clues and hopefully have sex with Sam.

• Berenice walks into town thinking about how people make poor choices which begin a process of ruining the rest of their lives as they chew on that regret. That's the kind of thing a lesbian who married a man might be thinking, especially now that she's fallen in love with her genderqueer neighbor and begun investigating the Case of the Forbidden Love. When I'm walking alone at night, I often think, "Sex will be so cool when I finally get to do it! I mean, if any psychics are listening, the main character in the story I'm writing gets to do it! He can't wait to do it! To do it really good! Probably!"

• Berenice doesn't find the conclusive proof that Adelia's husband killed her because she was into Forbidden Love. While she's in town, she decides to stop by Sam's Antique Shop because she hasn't flirted with Sam since Deadman appeared.

• Sam says she's non-binary. I'm sure there's some difference between that and genderqueer so I'll just go with Sam's phrasing. Also I forgot to call Sam "they" or "them" instead of her or him. So now I'm the grossest person in the world.

• Sam and Berenice almost boink but it's still too early for that. If they boinked now, outside of the Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love, how would Nathan walk in on them and become possessed by the evil monster who is against lesbianism? Or whatever you call it when a non-binary person does it with a woman.

• Sam and Berenice head back to the Dark Mansion where Nathan is waiting with some news and a boner. He's finished his book! I bet it's about how nasty lesbians are and goes into intricate detail about their sex lives. Also, he decides to ask Berenice to marry him. I guess that answers the question as to whether they're married or not.

• After Nathan proposes, Adelia flips the fuck out and turns into an evil demon. That's why Nathan was always getting headaches when he was around Berenice. Because Adelia realized that Berenice will be throwing away her happiness if she marries this man, just like she did when she married her husband a century ago. Adelia is the shadow and the Forbidden Love is heterosexuality! Shocking twist!

The Ranking!
No change! I wish I could scan more of the art in this book but I just don't want to ruin the spine by shoving the comic into my scanner. Sorry!

Deadman: Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love: Book One

Yes! A lusty Gothic romance!

The Commentary!
• I only purchased this comic book because it looks like it contains scenes of boinking.

• I was wondering if the kids still use the cool slang like "boinking" so I checked with Urban Dictionary. The main definition says it's a word your parents use. I'm assuming a young person wrote that entry since it's Urban Dictionary and since my parents, who are in their sixties, used the word "fucking." But then they were teenagers in the sixties and grew up in the seventies. Shit was raw back then! "To Boink" sounds like an 80s television reference to fucking since Alex P. Keaton needed a word to describe what he didn't want his sister doing! Alex's parents were hippies so they probably fucked all over the house. And since today's young people's parents grew up in the 80s, they probably did boink! Could it be Urban Dictionary has a crack staff of researchers and copy editors making sure all of their definitions make sense?!

• Although why couldn't television characters in the 80s say fucking? Mike Seaver's friend on Growing Pains was named Boner! Which is why I couldn't watch that show. I mean, come on! "Growing Pains." "Boner." I was hoping to come up with more evidence but that's all I have!

• While looking up how to spell the Seaver family name online, I found an online New York Post article about the death of the actor who played Boner. This was the headline: "'Boner' Found Dead in Canada". Seriously, guys? I mean...seriously? They even caption one of the photos as "Gorwing Pains". Although thanks to the article, I just discovered Boner was Star Trek's Chekov's son. It's possible I knew that at an earlier point in my life. That's the kind of information my brain, thankfully, knows it doesn't need to retain.

• Hopefully that won't be the last time I discuss a boner in this commentary! I mean, this comic book is called "Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love"! That at least hints at some serious sodomy!

• I wonder how quickly I'll regret my excitement over sexy time forbidden love when it turns out the story is about incest and sexual assault! I'll especially regret my excitement if the sex scenes aren't explicit!

• I probably won't be scanning any of the art because this is one of those prestige format books and I'll have to break the spine to get a good scan. Although if the sex scenes are any good, I'm willing to destroy my copy of this comic book for digital scans to add to my research library.

• A woman named Berenice has moved into a haunted house with her manpumpkin, Nathan. Was that Halloweeny enough? I figure I should make my commentaries extra spooky this month! Anyway, Berenice is psychic so she notices Deadman hanging about her house trying to solve the mystery of the Forbidden Love.

• Nathan is a writer trying to finish a book who has suddenly found himself in a large, empty, haunted hotel. I mean manskeleton. I mean mansion! But that was scary, right? You didn't expect the skeleton! Boo!

• Nathan keeps getting possessed by the bad ghost that lives in the house. Deadman is trying to help the good ghost who lives in the house. And Berenice is desperately pretending that she isn't falling out of love with Nathan and totally wants to bone Sam, the neighbor, while the ghosts watch.

• I haven't mentioned Sam because I wanted the reveal of the antagonist to be a surprise! You see, Sam couldn't be possessed by Deadman. That means Sam is either the bad guy or the ghost of the secret forbidden lover. He's probably a ghost! I mean she's a ghost! Maybe that's the forbidden love! Sam, who was probably born Samantha, was in love with the woman in the white dress whose portrait is over the fireplace! But the Woman in the White Dress's husband was all, "No no no! Nope! Unh-uh! No way! Not on my watch! Unless...I mean...can I watch?" Then he killed Sam and the Woman in the White Dress.

• It's also possible that Sam is real and that thing about boning the neighbor is where this story is going. You see, the ghostly activity only just began, even though Berenice and Nathan have been in the house for a few months. That's probably because Berenice has just realized she wants Sam's thighs wrapped around her face while Nathan just fucks off with his stupid book that probably isn't even scary or sexy anyway. So the ghost that died of a broken heart is all, "No way! No true love is going to happen in my house! Especially between two women! Unless, you know, I can watch?"

• While Sam and Berenice are talking about paintings (which I wish was a euphemism for doing it), Deadman enters the room and gets into a fist fight with the real ghost. It's at that point when the story enters Chapter Two! What's so special about Chapter Two? The narrator changes from Berenice to Deadman! Wow. A writer who actually knows how to tell a story!

• Deadman possesses Berenice again so that he can use her to open a door he's having trouble phasing through. While he's inside of her, he gets to experience one of her memories (this happened earlier as well but I didn't comment on it. What am I supposed to do? Just retell the entire story but worse and without pictures?!).

*GASP!* Forbidden love!

• Sam begins to worry about Berenice acting strangely because LOOK OUT! WITCHES! Deadman is making her run all over the house looking for the other ghost. When Sam grabs Berenice's hand, it forces Deadman out of her body. And then they almost kiss! Forbidden Love!

• It's probably too early to call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader but I'm definitely preparing for the moment.

• Berenice asks Sam to leave before they wind up Forbidden Loving all over the house. Afterward, she decides to yell at Deadman for making things weird. What if Sam never wants to talk to her again because she was acting like a nutcase? Oh wait. Nutcase is probably offensive. Um, how about, "Because she was acting like a spaz"? Much better!

• Berenice is also upset that Boston keeps entering her without her consent. He goes all bro-douche on her and is all, "But what if I can't give consent and I totally need to enter somebody?! How fair is that to me?!" And she's all, "Ick! Gross!" So Boston gives up on possessing people for this adventure since he doesn't want to seem like a jerk. Besides, he can talk to Berenice and get her to do all the things he'd do on his own if he were inside of her.

• Berenice and Boston discover a ring owned by the Woman in the White Dress. They also discover her name is Adelia Ruskin. After calling for her a bit, she appears. To explain about Forbidden Love, I hope?! I bet she's all, "I loved Forbidden Love but my stupid patriarchal husband was all, 'You can't do that! You have to do me!' And then he probably killed me or something." How should I know what she says?! Oh! I know how! I should keep reading!

• Darn it! Keeping reading wasn't any help! She didn't say anything except that she doesn't remember! And then Adelia and Boston disappear in a flash of ectoplasm! At least, I hope that's ectoplasm!

The Ranking!
BOO! Scared you, didn't I?!

Aquaman and the Others #11

This is the last time DC Comics will ever let these heroes share a cover.

This is probably the last time I'll ever read an Aquaman and the Others comic book because nobody in their right mind would give this team another chance. They were just awful. And boring. And none of them were interesting. Although according to Erik Larsen and the silent majority, Ya'Wara's costume should have had this comic book flying off of the shelves.

Speaking of Erik Larsen and his vocal minority bit, here's a little something I wrote back in June 2013 in my Batwoman #21 commentary. This is just the conclusion to a longer piece but it shows that I, at least, think he's targeting the wrong "vocal minority":

Anyway, I was just thinking I should discuss diversity at some point and why I never really discuss it much! I'm neutral on diversity so I'm not the target audience. But I'm also not the target audience on non-diverse comic book characters! I think that's probably a good part of the silent majority. Which means when a company thinks that diverse characters won't sell, they're absolutely wrong because they're listening to a vocal minority. I'll read ANY character if the story is well-written and/or drawn beautifully! Which probably means I shouldn't stay silent on being pro-diversity! So it's probably a good thing to be writing this. Take note, DC. White male characters don't sell because comic book fans demand white males. White males sell because that's what you're fucking selling us.

So when I say I'm neutral on it, I just mean I'm not emotionally invested one way or the other on the background of a character. I think diversity is important because it's so important to fans under-represented for years. The only time comic fans should ever be angry concerning comic book characters is when Scott Lobdell is shitting all over them.

I wish Aquaman and the Others were a more diverse team but instead they're all the same: boring.

Shouldn't Atlanteans have gills? Do they all die of lung cancer that's similar to the kind you get from asbestos caught in the lungs but they develop it from lungs full of fish poop?

After eleven issues, nobody reading this comic book has any idea who any of the characters really are. They've just been presented as the Atlantean Artifact they use. So in this final issue, we're getting little Narration Boxes provided by Vostok XI to tell us everybody's motivations. Apparently Aquaman is "strong" and "determined" and the "leader of the Others." Prisoner-of-War is "the conscience of the Others." Oh, is he? Is that the role he's been undertaking while either remaining silent or betraying the group? That seems about right.

Last issue, Mayhem launched a nuclear missile that is currently heading towards Spain. But iSpy and the Others are too busy battling Mayhem on an island in the middle of the ocean to try to stop the missile. POW! is all, "Can't you stop it iSpy?" And iSpy is all, "Not without a computer, POW!" And Ya'wara is all, "If only one of us could teleport you to a computer to stop the missile but I guess it's more important to fight this senseless battle with Mayhem who would be trapped on this island if we all just left and who knows what shenanigans they might get up to in that situation so I guess Spain will just have to be obliterated!" And Aquaman nods sagely and says, "It can't be helped."

Except luckily for all of the heroes that have forgotten that they can teleport, Vostok XI is at a computer! He can guide the missile away from Spain to detonate somewhere less harmful like Portugal! But he needs iSpy's help! And iSpy isn't sure he can trust Vostok XI to save the day even though if he doesn't trust him the day won't be saved! So maybe, um, trust him?

iSpy, being old and infirm and having an arthritic grip, drops the Code Sender before he can push the Code Sender Button. But Sayeh, having seen in a vision that he would drop the Code Sender, is nearby to pick it up and send the code herself! If only Maelsrom, the one member of Mayhem that wanted to prevent a catastrophe, wasn't in the way trying to prevent the catastrophe!

How is Sayeh supposed to match up in a fight against supervillains? Doesn't she simply see the future? She's getting her ass kicked out here! Why bring her along?!

Oh, I know why they brought her along! Because she saw in a vision that she was there to save the day so they had to bring her along even though Aquaman was all, "I don't see what you add to this team, Sayeh. Don't you think your outfit is a little too concealing?" No wait. That was Erik Larsen.

Sayeh defeats Maelstrom by telling her she's not living up to her potential. Maelstrom is all, "Oh? Really? Um, okay then! Ta-ta! I'm off to Hollywood!"

Judging by Sayeh's reaction, Maelstrom goes into porn.

Ya'ware cuts the muscles in Stranglehold's arms making her completely useless and then kicks her into the ocean to drown to put her out of her misery. Vostok XI mentions that Ya'wara is "savage" and "barely contained." Barely contained in her bikini, amirite?

Mera defeats some guy named Braze and calls him impotent while she's at because she always goes too far. Ya'wara might have made her opponent impotent and then killed her but at least she didn't call her impotent. There are some lines that just shouldn't be crossed.

Vostok XI forgets that he already did his Narration Box thing on Prisoner-of-War so he spends another page on him. This time he mentions how he's a soldier and how he fights for those soldiers who died around him fighting for justice and peace and freedom and the right for American corporations to engage in a modern version of Manifest Destiny. He beats up NKVDemon because it's symbolic of democracy defeating devils. Or something.

Ha ha! She's right, you know!

Aquaman gets lucky and beats Cheshire because she slips and hits her head on a rock. Maybe he commanded a sea worm to sacrifice itself by getting under her feet so that she'd slip! Clever!

Meanwhile Ya'wara finally remembers that she can teleport and heads to the moon to save Vostok XI who was just sitting there waiting for the nuclear missile he reprogrammed to fall on his head. The missile's nuclear warhead was disarmed so the moon wasn't knocked out of orbit or anything like that which could probably totally happen, right? Instead, the Soviet base was destroyed and The Others all returned to the yacht after leaving Mayhem on the island. Or drowning them. Or putting bullets in their heads. Or taking them to prison. That part is left kind of unclear. Maybe that's some kind of comment on "unclear" being an anagram of "nuclear." Or maybe the kicking and punching is just more important than the justice.

The Others decide it's time to disband for awhile and then they spend five pages waiting for the reader's applause to quiet down before they split up. Vostok XI decides to trade in his space helmet for a motorcycle helmet and travel the world for awhile.

Aquaman and the Others #11 Rating: No change. This entire series was like the hours spent after picking up somebody for a first date and discovering this on their bedroom wall:

Aquaman and the Others #10

Forget the improper sword fighting techniques on display! Check out the over-the-top sexual imagery going on! Mera's head is probably exploding!

Last issue ended with POW! betraying The Others because he's channeling a backstabbing double agent who is working with Mayhem. Mayhem wants to remind the world that nuclear bombs are dangerous because we've all been resting on our post-fall-of-the-Berlin-Wall laurels and have forgotten the terror of the miniseries The Day After. It's incomprehensible to me that millennials have never woken up in terror after having a nightmare where the bombs were launched. I just had one a few months ago, just for old times' sake, I guess. Everybody thought the world was going to become a Road Warrior wasteland after Chernobyl and we didn't even have one-tenth of the fear mongering media sites like we have today playing up disasters like Fukushima. I guess along with access to lots and lots of talking heads screaming about the sky falling, we also have access to lots and lots of real, scientific information. You know, if we want to look for it. Of course, that means we also have access to loads of conspiracy theorists and Web M.D., so we're all actually more terrified than ever!

Modern Citizen: "I wonder why my stomach hurts. Let me check the web."
*Browses for One Minute
Modern Citizen: "Holy fuck I have all the cancers!"

Having access to more information than what local media outlets deign to give you makes for a much better world (at least it does for me! I'm not so sure about some of my high school friends on Facebook. Hoo boy, do they believe some wacky hookey!). When I was growing up in the seventies, one of my greatest fears was the imminent invasion of Killer Bees! It seemed like at least once a month, a local media station would put up a graphic showing North and South America and how far the Killer Bees were encroaching year after year and by which year they would reach Northern California. I simply pictured a wave of man-eating bees devouring everything in their path as they headed north. Terrorism is for Millennials what Killer Bees were for me! After having lived through the Killer Bee scare, I'm not afraid of anything! I've seen what America does to threats. Once they reach our shores and realize the cushy life they can have here, they calm the fuck down and start trying to fit in because Survivor is on! Sure, occasionally you hear about a hive of "Africanized" bees stinging the shit out of some punk fucker that probably deserved it because he was trying to smash a hive with a rock but that's less fear mongering about bees and just more subtle racism to keep everybody afraid of anything being "Africanized," especially your daughters!

This seems like an appropriate time to link to my Jungle Fever theory of The X-Files. Damn. I wrote that fifteen years ago? Fuck you, time! For transparency's sake, I didn't write all of the Bastard's articles. I just wrote this one, the one that deconstructs Rudolph, the one about Survivor, the one about The N-Word, and the one about September 11th. I think those were all of them. Just a word of warning: many of these are superficially offensive due to language, stereotyping, and caricatures. Would I write any of these essays today? Not in the way I presented them back then, no. Am I embarrassed by them? Some of the content. But if I believe in anything (I'm not sure I do, but let's go with it!), I believe in honesty and transparency. Am I proud of them? Definitely. Maybe I'd like to distance myself from all the "retard" stuff. And that N-word sidebar of the Asian woman is rather icky. But isn't fourteen years distance enough? That was a much younger, more passionate, less fearful of internet reprisal version of myself (that was a joke! I still don't fear internet reprisal! You have to be popular to get any of that good stuff!)! I'm more refined now! Shut up! I am too! Anyway, do I still believe the heart of each essay? Yeah, I do. Mostly. Except for that bit about Big Brother being the worst reality television show ever. Fuck I love that show! If you're a lover of fiction and the way character interactions work through shifts of power, how can you not love Big Brother?! It's one of the best fictions on television!

Oh! There's the bullet wound!

Meanwhile on the moon, Vostok XL remembers his childhood less fondly than most people remember their childhood. His childhood wasn't full of Nickelodeon cartoons and action figures and comic books and chasing boys around the playground to punch their smart fucking mouths and not because you had a crush on them like all the teachers thought but because he was a pervy little asshole that doesn't understand personal space.

Thanks for the Vostok XL torturing recap, Maelstrom!

Mayhem decides that their opening move will be launching one of their twelve nuclear missiles into Aquaman and The Others' Yacht Headquarters. That sounds like a great plan! Blow them the fuck out of the world before they get a chance to stop your plans! What supervillain team has ever been so proactive?! Might this be the time when a supervillain team's plan finally comes to fruition because they take the bull by the horns and just blow shit up instead of making speeches and giving the good guys time to beat them?!

Oh. I forgot that missiles and Death Stars can't be activated on command. I guess ignition systems always need a little time to warm up.

Down on the yacht, POW! tries to flee but iSpy stops him because iSpy knew he had been crossing his fingers when he promised not to be double kidding about being their ally. It was so obvious that POW! was just pretending to be the good guy because good guys don't often smash your bedroom door down with an axe and then stick their face inside and go, "Here's Prisoner-of-War!"

It turns out iSpy switched the clip in POW!'s gun so that he was firing blanks. No wonder Ya'wara didn't have any bullet wounds when she was shot at the end of last issue! But she did get hit in the head by that piece of the blank that killed the Crow and that guy from Voyagers! So she still almost died! Plus then she almost drowned which is also a way to die! But Mera saved her life and now everybody is safe again! At least for the next nine minutes.

Instead of trying to swim for his life, POW! tells The Others that Mayhem is going to nuke the ship. Christ! Can't any supervillain ever keep their mouth shut?! You just fucking ruined the entire plan, you goofball!

Oh? This is Aquaman's plan? The whole thing? Who does he think he is? Harvest?!

iSpy, with a little help from the great men and women of the United States Military who are all heroes and I'm a huge fan of them and patriotism and unwavering fealty and all the other stuff I'm supposed to say, drives the backstabbing spirit Korec out of POW!'s life forever. Then iSpy looks at his wrist and says, "Whoa! Times almost up! And who stole my watch?" The next part of the plan is for Ya'wara to put some clothes on. Unless it's for Ya'wara to teleport them all to the moon. One of those.

When Mayhem tries to launch the missile, they discover that the launch codes were actually a virus that begins shutting down their targeting systems. Who cares if the targeting systems get shut down? Without the launch codes, the targeting system won't be any use to Mayhem anyway! Next, Ya'wara appears and she teleports Mayhem to an island where Aquaman waits to beat them all up. But before they teleport away (because I guess it isn't instantaneous when Ya'wara has to teleport people against their will), NKVDemon launches one of the nuclear missiles. But he doesn't have the code! And, um, the targeting systems aren't working!

I bet Vostok XL changes sides in the upcoming fight and saves the day and then everybody begins to respect him! Also, Maelstrom goes, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I just wanted to make the world a better place." And Mera goes, "Even though I know you are looking at my husband like he's a ten inch orange dildo, I think you should join the Others!" And then under her breath she says, "Because they fucking suck dick too."

In the middle of the fight, NKVDemon gloats about the nuclear missile because what fun is blowing up part of the world if nobody knows you're responsible for it?

"I suppose it's possible he guessed the launch codes! Highly improbable but since when has 'highly improbable' ever meant anything to any of us at any time in our lives?! It's like our personal histories have been contrived by some all-knowing, omnipotent God (if that God were stuck in the 1980s, of course)."

Aquaman and the Others #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Here comes the high praise: this issue wasn't nearly as boring as previous issues have been! I think having read two issues of Blue Devil from 1985 just before reading this book made this book feel modern by comparison! And while I can't quite bring myself to say it was "thrilling" or had me on the "edge of my seat," I can say that it "passed the time" and "had Mera in it." Big thumbs up!

Tacoman and the Others #9

Aquaman and the Others #8

I wonder if Geoff Johns is pissed that Dan Jurgens has made sure that nobody will ever want to read another story starring The Others again?

Don't worry, Geoff Johns. The team was a bunch of boring assholes when you decided to create them. I think Dan Jurgens has been doing the best he can do with a team of shitty heroes and Jurgens' inability to write a story that doesn't take place in the eighties. The Others were never going to be a hit with the kids.

Last issue, we learned that the super-villain group Mayhem are squatting in Vostok-X's moonbase and have taken over an ancient Russian satellite with twelve nuclear warheads in it. Now they're going to demand that all the world governments give them everything they want or else they start dropping the nukes! If I was most of the world governments, I'd flip them the bird and say, "Go the fuck ahead! You only have twelve nukes and you know you'd better use them all on America or you cats are fucked." So maybe Mayhem will only actually threaten America. Hmm, that makes more sense.

The other issue The Others need to deal with is that iSpy killed one of POW!'s ghost soldiers. It wasn't on purpose or anything! It was just friendly fire. But now the ghost soldier feels that iSpy should die due to an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny case of manslaughter. How about taking a page out of Jesus Christ's book and forgiving the people that killed you?

Although, Jesus would make a show of forgiving them while dying on the cross since all his disciples were watching. But I bet once he found himself back in Heaven, he was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Ruin their Empire! Destroy their precious works of arts! Destroy them from the inside with our followers and from the outside with heathen beastmen! Do it right now, Daddy, or I'm going to scream!"

Why is it that only the crack is obscene? This would have been enough for my thirteen year old self to jerk off to.

Up on the moon, Cheshire is probably thinking, "How the hell did I get roped into working with these assholes?" I bet she has a contract to kill them all. Probably got the contract from Jonni DC who can't stand KGBeast and NKVDemon are still in continuity. They should have disappeared with the Cold War! Now I'm really wishing that KGBeast had actually died at the hands of Batman like Batman uncharacteristically meant to do. I think. That's second hand knowledge about a story where Batman cut off KGBeast's arm (and look! He's missing his arm!) and left him to die. And then it was just a thing that fans had to accept until some other writer came along and had Batman say something like, "Um, no, no, no! I just had to, um, go get a Bat-tourniquet! You know? And when I got back, he was gone! So I did all I could to save his life after nearly killing him, you know? Come on, guys! I don't kill! Ha. Ha ha! Ha."

The whole point in calling somebody a “loose cannon” is that they can’t be directed, you imbecile!

Cheshire and KGBeast discuss the possible loose cannons in the group when they should be discussing the weak cannon, Maelstrom. She's just in this to make the world a better place! As soon as she realizes these assholes are in this scheme for selfish reasons, she'll turn on them. So Mayhem will probably trap Aquaman and the Others. They'll be about to destroy America if their demands aren't met. And then Maelstrom will sneak off and free Aquaman so that Aquaman can save the day in space like he never does.

And while Mayhem ignores their weak link, Aquaman pisses all over his. He calls Vostok-X a clone one time too many and Vostok-X ditches the team. He heads to the moon to learn more about his past from KGBeast. And to maybe become bait. Or an ally. Or a corpse.

"Concrete blocks as far as the eye can see! Queues stretching as far as the concrete blocks! Everybody craving Levi jeans but nobody owning a pair! Legends of sweet drinks called 'Coke' and 'Pyepsi' filling our peoples with hope!"

iSpy comes up with a plan to retake control of the Russian Nukellite. He, Ya'wara, and POW! will teleport into an old Russian base in the Ural Mountains where they can use the old systems to access the satellite. POW! only comes along to kill iSpy, I'm sure. Which is how the issue ends, with POW!'s ghost in control of his body and trying to strangle iSpy to death while Ya'wara lies crumpled and sexy in the corner.

Aquaman and the Others #8 Rating: No change. It was boring but, for some reason, it didn't bother me as much as it usually does. Perhaps I'm still riding the high of Grayson #5 and I know I have Gotham Academy #3 to look forward to next. Poor Aquaman. Of course when he winds up on a team of heroes, they're just a bunch of jerks more boring than he is. Now I feel bad for Aquaman. Maybe I won't make fun of him when I read his next issue.

Aquaman and the Others #7

Argh! It's that time of month again? Do I have to read this?

DC Comics needs to cancel this book. They're going to do it eventually so why not now while they have all that revenue streaming in from their weekly comic books starring Batman, Replacement Batman, and Future Batman? And while they're at it, they should also cancel Infinity Man and the Forever People because nobody cares about Dan Didio reworking Jack Kirby's old creations; Constantine because having a hobbled Constantine means we don't get the full blown Constantine in Hellblazer (plus the current series has been lacking in a lot of ways); Sinestro because we don't need more Green Lantern books, especially boring as shit ones; Deathstroke because it's going to be painful watching Tony S. Daniel try to write and draw yet another book; New Suicide Squad because they fucked up the Rebooted Reboot immediately with the shitty roster and putting Sage in place above Waller; and Red Hood and the Outlaws. I'm sure a lot of people just punched my imaginary face with their imaginary fist for suggesting that. But you need to kill off this version before you can bring one along that works. Get Lobdell off of the title. Revamp the premise. Then allow Todd, Harper, and Kori to pal around in a book together. And drop that fucking outlaw shit from the title. It reeks of desperation. "Look! Look! They're anti-heroes!" I'm allowing Klarion to not be cancelled because I think Ann Nocenti can do the least harm on that book. Trinity of Sin can have a few more issues to get me interested. And Twat Lobo can stay too because I need a book that's the literature equivalent of going into a closet and whipping myself across the back forty times with a cat o' nine tails. It's what I deserve!

Just to prove that he could make this book more boring and irrelevant, Dan Jurgens has the team battling KGBeast.

Dude, shut up! You're going to ruin it for all of us! I mean, she has the right to dress however she pleases!

Remember how last issue ended with iSpy being thrown from a building, exactly the way no comic book has ever ended before in the history of comic books? I wonder why it's taken so long for a writer to realize how great that cliffhanger is!

Dan Jurgens: "If I end this issue with one of the Others falling off of a building, the readers will be on the edge of their seat for a full month wondering if he'll survive or how he'll get out of it! What could be more intense than a D-list character..."
Geoff Johns: "*AHEM*"
Dan Jurgens: "Um, right...an A-list character possibly falling to their death when the story ends?! The readers will go nuts!"
Aquaman and the Others' Five Readers: *picks up Aquaman and the Others #7*
Aquaman and the Others' Five Readers: *slides Aquaman and the Others #7 to the bottom of the stack*

Vostok-X flies up just in time to catch-X iSpy before he iSplatters all over the ground. They head back up to where KGBeast is waiting to swap KGBoring stories of glory days with Vostok-X. But only if Vostok-X is the Omega. Does he mean the last one? Or would that be the first one in Russian since they have that silly alphabet with all the backwards letters in it.

Yes, I called the Russian alphabet silly! What are they going to do about it? Make a bunch of buildings out of concrete blocks where they'll ration out Kit Kat bars to long queues of people afraid to gossip about Putin's sexuality? I hope nobody in the Portland Russian Mafia reads this blog! Or if they do, I hope they have a good sense of humor and are incapable of telling when people are lying when I tell them this entire paragraph was just a joke! Ha ha! Levity!

Is anybody interested in any of these characters yet?

I know why Aquaman hangs around with The Others. Because he seems exciting and likable by comparison. I don't care about Vostok-X's past because he has yet to interest me on any level. The same goes for all of the other Others as well. Except for Ya'wara. Her butt cheeks are moderately interesting.

Cheshire (or The Leprechaun. How the fuck should I know? iSpy merely calls her "her." That doesn't help!) drops out of the sky to even the odds. But then Aquaman drops out of the sky to uneven the odds right back. I think Mera is flying the warbird that Aquaman drops out of. When did she learn to pilot an aircraft? All those years when she lived in the ocean?

Cheshire, KGBeast, and a new ally of theirs, Maelstrom, escape with iSpy's flash drive full of sensitive information and his Anne of Green Gables fanfiction.

Aquaman and the Others stand around on the rooftop going, "Blah blah blah!" "Oh, blah blah blah blah blah!" "BLAH!" Blah ha ha ha!"

I wish DC would at least include gum with this comic book so I could choke on it and never have to read it again.

Let's take a poll. Hands up, who likes this book? Now look at both of your arms. If either one of them is up in the air, smack yourself in the face with it. Also go run around the neighborhood until you fall and skin your knee because you're obviously not feeling anything on any kind of regular basis. You need a shock to your system! If you know of a beehive nearby, go get stung. That should wake you up.

No! Not Mayhem! That sounds mildly irritating!

Meanwhile Prisoner of War has tea and tells a woman a story about how her husband died. It begins with an explosion in a building and Prisoner of War jumping to the conclusion that it's terrorists. Couldn't it have just been a domestic accident involving a cigarette, a build up of methane, and a toilet? That seems more probable.

The big twist in the story was that this woman's husband was killed in a firefight between KGBeast and iSpy! And it was probably iSpy's bullets that did the killing. Oh the humanitragedy!

Actually, I just finished the book and it definitely was iSpy that killed one of the "ghosts" inside Prisoner of War.

Meanwhile on the moon, Mayhem have taken over Vostok-X's old base! And what a group of super villains it is! Somebody named Brace and Stranglehold. Cheshire and Maelstrom. And KGBeast and NKDemon. And they've got a plan that would make 1980 say, "Really? Really? Are you sure you want to go with that...okay! Okay. Just asking. But I'm telling you, that was tired back when I was alive. Which was, you know, 1980."

Holy fuck. It just got even boringerer.

Aquaman and the Others #7 Rating: Hey Aquaman fans! Stop buying this stupid fucking comic book. You know who the only sane character in this comic book is? Mera! Because she keeps telling Aquaman he shouldn't be hanging around with these assholes.

Along with his run on Superman and Justice League International, this issue makes me believe that Dan Jurgens is some kind of artificial intelligence that was created in the eighties and built without a port for an ethernet cable or a USB. So he only has access to information that existed up until the time he was built and programmed. More evidence to that theory is that his art hasn't changed or grown since the eighties. I know Lan Medina drew this issue! I was talking about other issues, you Sopwith Camel! Anyway, Dan Jurgens, I've discovered your secret! You are a bulky 1980s robot that probably has a light that flashes back and forth across your face for eyes and has probably been programmed to disco dance to Michael Jackson music.

Aquaman and the Others #6

Welcome to the 90s, The Others!

I bet you could replace the punch line of any joke with "Aquaman!" and it would still be funny!

"How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Aquaman!"

Okay, maybe my theory was wrong. But at least I took the time to try one experiment before declaring if it was or wasn't valid. Maybe I just inserted him into the joke poorly. Let me try another one.

Aquaman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you?" Aquaman perks up, excited to finally be recognized, and asks, "You've got a drink called a Big Dumb Stupid Loser Face?"

That joke needs some workshopping but I think it's close!

This issue begins with Aquaman and Mera looking dopey.

They look dopier in the full body shot that left off their feet. But I didn't want to waste the storage space on a full page scan.

The person Aquaman is speaking to is Vostok-XI. But Vostok-XI, being a clone of Vostok-X, still thinks he's Vostok-X. I suppose if he'd been cloned early in Vostok-X's life, he'd think he was Vostok-IX! But Aquaman and the Others, being that they don't live in the Marvel Universe, have not had a lot of experience with clones.

Let's take a quick statistical look at this comic book after three pages, shall we?

Number of Panels: Two.
Number of Seagulls: About thirty-seven.
Idiots That Don't Know Their Roman Numerals: One (at least).
Idiots That Don't Know Their Alphabet: One (at least).
Ya'wara's Butt Cheeks: Zero.
Bored Readers: One that I know of. Actual number probably equal to the number of issues this comic book sold.

iSpy's son, Aaron, is the idiot that doesn't know his alphabet or his Roman Numerals. He thinks that this Vostok, being a clone of Vostok-X, should be called either "Vostok-II" or "Vostok-Z". He's wrong on both counts!

Anyway, who is Vostok-X?! I hope this doesn't turn into a five part story to find out because I don't really care! He's a Russian guy with a magic helmet that lives on the moon. So what if there are two of them? Or were two of them. Just pretend this guy is the real one and get on with telling another story in which he dies. Aquaman decides a replacement copy of an old friend is just about as good as having the old friend back and that's good enough for The Others.

Cool kids? What cool kids? Where?

Aquaman shows Mera just how deluded he is when he tells her that the world needs The Others. Why? What have they ever done to help save the world? I think they hunted down Black Manta and pissed him off which eventually got two of them killed. And they battled a guy that only wanted back the antiquities they stole from him. I think what Aquaman meant to say was that Dan Jurgens needs them or else he isn't going to be getting much of a paycheck from DC.

Four more pages in and the Seagull Count has increased by about 34 more!

Ya'wara and Sayeh head to Tehran where the number one concern is that Ya'wara not go outside because she's practically naked and she'll inadvertently give all the Iranian men boners and then they'll have to stone her for being a vile temptress. Unless the main concern with her roaming the streets is that she's wearing two big daggers on her hips.

A lot of other boring stuff happens and there are more seagulls. And then something less boring happens! Unless it's more boring? I can't tell. Anyway, it's different.

Dan Jurgens was only allowed access to the most boring and inconsequential villains of the DC Universe.

KGBeast isn't alone. He's working with a woman in green. She's probably The Leprechaun and her main concern is a united, peaceful, powerful Ireland. They're probably in a group with other Nation-themed villains called The United Nations of Pain! KGBeast tosses iSpy off of the roof of a building because a comic book hasn't ended with the hero falling to their inevitable deaths in over a month! Mostly due to the Futures End issues not having cliffhangers.

Aquaman and the Others #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is so fucking boring I might actually stop reading one of DC's New 52 soon.

Aquaman and the Others #5

Legend is so old he's basically just sentient dust.

This comic book is so uninteresting that people aren't even interested in reading my hilariously biting commentary on it! Emphasis on the hilarious! Instead of commenting on this comic book, I should comment on my commentary of this comic book! No wait. That would mean I'd have to write two commentaries. I don't even want to write one commentary on this comic book! Whenever I write about Aquaman, somebody always has to point out how I don't get the character and how he's so much more than a fish rapist pervert manipulative asshole!

Fictional characters can't sue you for libel, right? But if they can, is anybody willing to dress up like Aquaman and fuck a fish so I can get it on video to prove that I wasn't being libelous? It would also help if you were a lawyer that could defend me in the fraud case that happens after I try to use the fish fucking video in court.

Last issue, Legend accidentally let it slip that his armor was the only thing keeping him alive. This issue, I can't imagine how the Others will defeat Legend! Hmm, I thought those two statements were going to have more in common than they wound up having. Oh well!

Jesus, dude! Did you ever take a high school English class? Show don't tell! Get on with it already!

Is that all it would take for a super villain to finally be successful? Take one high school English class? Learn to just fucking do it instead of talking about doing it? I think I might be a super villain! I love talking about all the things I plan to do but never have time to do because giant robots need to be shot down on the Xbox.

One of Legend's descendants (the male one. The one with the name I can't remember because he's boring?) suggests they begin the ritual before something happens. He probably should have made the suggestion earlier because something happens. That something is Vostok XI and Ya'wara return from the moon with the last of the stolen gold. I guess that could be a good thing that happens since Legend probably needs Vostok's helmet for his Golden Helmet and Ya'wara's orb to for his Golden Codpiece. More likely it's a bad thing and Legend is about to get his ass kicked.

It seems like I've only commented on a small portion of the comic book so far, but it's already halfway over! I guess if I wrote a paragraph describing Ya'wara's butt-cheeks every time they appear, this commentary would be twenty pages long by now.

These thugs are so bad at their jobs that The Others don't even have to pay attention as they beat the thugs senseless.

Aquaman is tossed into the pool with the Relics and he's healed. Maybe he's immortal now! Ugh, I hope not.

Oh look! There's old what's-his-name trying to hurry the plan along again! Shut up, dummy!

Poor Hurry-It-Along takes two bullets to the chest from iSpy because Legend couldn't get his act together. This is what happens when you dilly-dally, children! Or what happens when your parents dilly-dally. So make sure your parents aren't complete fuckups that procrastinate when it comes to just about everything, like saving for your college or killing the good guys that are trying to thwart their villainous plans.

Aquaman returns to end it all by stabbing Legend in the chest with his trident and turning him into a pile of dust. Just like on the cover! So wait. I didn't have to purchase this comic book at all? The big climactic moment was right there on the cover? What the fuck?! I wish I'd gotten the Selfie Variant!

After the battle, Aquaman and the Others determine that Vostok is a clown and tell him so right to his face. It's kind of rude. He denies it but I think being a clown in Russia is a good thing. At least according to Billy Joel.

Bye!

Aquaman and The Others #5 Rating: No change. The issue ends with Sky giving the Seal of Clarity to Kahina's sister and Vostok XI taking the place of Vostok X. I suppose Sky will remain with The Others since she and iSpy's grandson have some kind of romantic something or other happening between them. Plus she has the Land of the Dead power which I should probably sue her over since that was Super Mummy's super power! Oh, you don't know who Super Mummy was? Well, that doesn't mean Dan Jurgens can go around stealing my ideas even though nobody knows about them! I shouldn't have put them on the internet! Fucking thieves!

Aquaman and the Others #4

The Gloved Mist!

Last issue ended with the seeming death of Aquaman! This issue begins with Aquaman looking just fine right there on the cover. I didn't even have to buy the issue to find out if he actually survived! If I were DC, I would have kept him off the cover of Issue #4 and simply called it "The Others." That would have kept fans guessing! I bet even more people would have purchased the comic book too because they'd look at the cover and think, "Cool! Another comic book that doesn't star Aquaman! This should be much better than any book that does star Aquaman!"

This issue is part IV of V. That means there are, what? X issues left?

It must be confusing to learn Roman Numerals and Algebra at the same time. Why am I trying to figure out what X equals?! It's ten!

Now that the Super Bowl is going to stop using Roman Numerals, how are Americans going to learn them?!

Nothing Legend says makes sense. I think that's his super power.

Now that Aquaman has been stabbed but is not yet dead, Legend pulls out the trident and stands around while Sayeh and Aaron put pressure on his wound and try to keep him alive. They're not even worried about the big guy in weird armor that just tried to kill Aquaman who is standing behind them calmly now. I guess since Sayeh didn't have a vision of Legend killing either of them, they have nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, Legend just wants Ya'wara to appear to save Aquaman with her Globe of Transportation so he can steal it from her. Sorry, so he can reclaim that which was once his.

Too bad for Legend, Ya'wara is busy running errands for Vostok-10 and Kahina in the Land of the Dead.

"While we're waiting for the last couple of relics to appear, let me tell you my secret weakness!"

Is it better for a comic book to have the bad guy explain how he can be defeated so that the good guys can defeat him, or would it be better to have the good guys defeat him and afterward have one of them explain how they deduced he could be defeated? I wish more Sherlock Holmes stories had the culprit bragging to Sherlock about how they did it so that Sherlock can catch them and then everybody would be all, "How'd you crack the case, Mr. Holmes?!" And he'd be all, "Elocutionary, dear Watson. Elocutionary." Or whatever.

The stories of Sherlock Holmes were written to be pure homoerotica, right? Was I reading them correctly?

Legend tells even more of his story to ensure that defeating him is easy. The magic is wearing down in his suit of armor and he'll be dead soon if he doesn't forge a new suit of armor out of the Relics' gold. Then he'll be immortal! And ostentatious!

Quit whining! He's only half dead! Take off his pants and get busy. But you probably need to hurry or it's going to get really weird.

While Ya'wara fucks around in the Land of the Dead, iSpy, Sky, and G.I. P.O.W. (GI POW! The lamest American hero!) arrive to save Aquaman's life! While The Others distract Legend and his greatest grandson, GI POW goes to work on saving Aquaman's life.

"Don't worry! I'm not a medic but my imaginary friend is!"

Apparently Smitty the Imaginary Medic advises GI POW to sew up the holes in Aquaman's stomach without worrying about patching up any of his internal organs. I guess the chainmail kept anything serious from being punctured. But if that were the case, why is Aquaman bleeding out from a few holes in his tum-tum?

Ya'wara finally returns from the Land of the Dead. She probably arrived near the other Relics since Legend's greatest granddaughter took them to melt them down. When Ya'wara arrives, she's beset upon by Russian robots that probably wanted to call her a trespasser but the Russian word was too big so they just went with calling her a "violator" or a "breaker" or something. Who knows? I don't speak robot Russian!

Actually, Ya'wara is on the moon in Vostok-Ten's old moon base. I think he took over Eclipso's old haunt once Eclipso realized that the Dark Side of the Moon didn't mean what he thought it meant. She explores for a bit until she discovers the person on the cover.

Except this person doesn't have gloves. And Aquaman isn't here. So maybe this isn't the new teammate seen on the cover! Although this is the last page of the comic book. Comic books are confusing!

At least now we know the "X" in Vostok-X actually was a Roman Numeral! Meet Vostok-II! I mean, Vostok-IX! Or is it Vostok-MM? Fuck it! I'm just calling this guy Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Vostok! Or just Son of Vostok, for sanity's sake.

Aquaman and the Others #4 Rating: No change. I did enjoy this issue more than any of the others! I don't know why though. I think reviewers are supposed to know why something is good or bad or better or worse. But it's possible that this issue was no better than any of the others and I was just in a better mood! Now that's an honest review!