Action Comics #50

I got the special Ruin the Original Cover With Adverts Variant!

Action Comics #50 Rating: No change.

Twitter would be better if it didn't allow people to comment on other people's tweets. Fully 95% of people should just stop having opinions because their opinions are boring, uninteresting, and poorly thought out. Most Reply Jokes on Twitter are just people restating the original joke in an unsubtle way and thinking that they're fucking hilarious. But I guess replying to people is the entire point of Twitter anyway. Nobody really fucking cares what anybody else has to say anyway. They just want a forum to spew their narcissistic thoughts to the other narcissists who aren't listening anyway. We know this is true because anybody who follows more than around fifty people can't be paying any attention to what the people they're following are tweeting. People who follow hundreds or thousands of other people on Twitter may as well be following nobody because their Twitter feed is now just white noise from the thousands of posts scrolling through their feed every minute.

Tumblr would be better if most of the people using Tumblr didn't exist. Fully 95% of the people on Tumblr are cats willingly walking into a room full of people in rocking chairs trying to get their tails under one of the rails so they can scream and hiss at the person having a lovely day rocking. They're people desperate to have a condition in the DSM to use as armor against any kind of criticism while at the same time moaning about how the DSM has now labeled their cognitive state as a disorder. They're kids rushing toward androgyny so that they can spit in the face of anybody who honestly misgenders them with no malice intended. They're a generation who seem to believe the greatest power they can wield is crushing free speech by ridiculing those who actually understand why it's important. You guys, they literally believe the word literally makes everything literally more literal.

Facebook would be better if it just didn't exist. Do I really need to know how many of my relatives are mean-spirited racist assholes or easily hurt downers with a mental state more fragile than their collection of crystal unicorns? How many hours of inner contemplation and self-betterment are lost to shitty games with Saga or Ville in the title? A little piece of my metaphorical soul dies every time I see any "news" story on the Trending Sidebar. And what is Facebook really used for anyway? It's pretty much just Birth Announcements and Pet Obituaries.

Blogs would be better if the people running the blogs stopped writing them as if they're speaking to an audience. Because--let's face the horribly unjust facts of my life--nobody is reading anything on the internet unless it's so they can reply with their own opinions on the topic of the blog. Nobody is entertained by other people's thoughts anymore. They just want a forum to spew forth their unwanted and probably unwashed opinions. Which is why I'm going to stop offering any and all opinions on everything. Because nobody fucking gives a shit. They just look at the title of the post and scroll down to the Comments section where they can tell me what they thought of the comic in the title. One of first people who began commenting on my blog eventually became somebody that I was glad to see commenting and with whom I eventually enjoyed interacting. But when he first began commenting? I was fucking annoyed with him! He began by simply posting his own reviews of the comic books in the comments section! I'd rather have people swinging by calling me "Lead Twat" and then getting super pissed off at me for "personal attacks" when I shot back at them and called them a dum-dum! But that's part of the problem as well! People who do actually react to my "reviews" might take them personally and then personally attack me in the comments because they feel justified. So they tend to think I fired the first shot when I can hardly even remember what stupid shit I typed the day after I typed it!

None of this has anything to do with Action Comics. But then, most of what I've written in my "comic book reviews" has very little to do with the actual comic! If you want a real review, there are plenty of shit people writing dishonest reviews because they're so afraid of pissing off any of the creators they may have once met at a con and now think of as a personal friend. Here's a quote from the Weird Science blog's Telos #6 Review to show I did the least amount of research as possible to back up my point: "I hate saying all of this because Jeff King could possibly be the nicest dude in the world and if not the nicest, he's definitely in the running......... I just don't like this series." Why does that guy use so many periods? Doesn't he know there are kids in Africa who can't end their sentences without sounding too excited or unsure because of his waste?

Regarding that last paragraph, I suppose that wasn't a dishonest review. But you can see the writer's trepidation in voicing an honest opinion because he didn't want to hurt Jeff King's feelings. Look, Eric (I think that was his name)! Don't worry about hurting a creator's feelings! They received a nice paycheck to compensate them for the amount of internet shit they're going to get over every single stupid thing they write. You know why I don't mind calling Scott Lobdell the poster child for the dangers of unsafe sex? Because he's fucking swimming in X-men cash! He doesn't give a shit what I have to say because he's got the greatest shield in the world: scads and scads of money! If he really cared about criticism, he'd stop writing garbage, right?! The only writing he really fucking seems to care about is when he's endorsing his checks at the bank. And even then, I bet his signature is mostly a line. Wait! I can actually verify that! Let me see. Where is the Big Book of First Issues he unwittingly signed for me as I stood there thinking, "You write shit, mate." Oh! Here it is beside me. Let me have a look . . . yep. Mostly a line. He can't even be bothered with his own name!

All of this is to say nothing because here I am writing a blog on the internet, posting on Tumblr, linking it to Twitter, and, occasionally, sending it over to Facebook so my friends and family can think, "What the fuck is this asshole doing with his life?" Here are my shit opinions on what is primarily shit pop culture, internet! Suck it!

A lot of the worst New 52/DC You material has just been ideas cobbled from Young Justice episodes but done much worse.

It's not that Young Justice didn't take ideas from pre-existing DC Comic book stories as well. It's just that they incorporated previous DC History into a show that took the DC Universe in its own direction (you know, an interesting one). So they took the Glorious Godfrey idea of turning the masses against the heroes and they took the whole metagene Bloodlines thing and they threw them in the Young Justice slow cooker as part of the big story. But I can't help feeling that this whole House of Dawn thing is a bit too reminiscent of Young Justice: Invasion where Vandal Savage and a host of other baddies created a secret society to turn a bunch of humans into superbeings whom they could control in an effort to take over the world. The bad guys even have a similar name for the group since in the cartoon it's The Light and here it's Dawn Command. Or Savage Dawn. Or Dawn of the Dum-Dums.

Luckily for those people who haven't been writing a blog about comic books to help them remember everything that has been going on in every monthly title DC puts out, Vandal Savage recounts the events of the Superman titles across the last year. He doesn't tie them together as neatly as he should because they don't really tie together that neatly. When all the events are mentioned quickly in the space of a couple of pages though, it sounds sort of like he had a plan that made sense. The gist of it is that Superman lost his powers and Vandal Savage drained them. With the power he stole from Superman that he could have just taken directly from the sun and in bigger quantities although that story would have been boring shit, Vandal has merged the JLA Watchtower with the Fortress of Solitude with The Eye of the Storm to create a comet magnet. Now he's going to capture the comet that gave him his powers so that he can have more power than even the power he stole from Superman or could have taken directly from the sun. And he's captured the entire Justice League so nobody can stop him now!

I mean, Superman will probably stop him. But probably not in this issue. That will probably happen in Superman #50.

Just fucking use solar power already! Stop bothering with the negligible amount of energy in Lex Luthor's fat cells. He got all of that energy from the sun to begin with!

I've never understood power as the motivation for being an evil villain. Why would anybody want to bother? Vandal Savage is immortal and has the resources to live any kind of unfettered life he'd like to live. But he'd rather spend his time causing all of this drama? I guess the power of the comet is like super-heroin.

Meanwhile, Superman is now powered by Kryptonite. It's a comic book so it doesn't have to make sense. All a comic book has to do is present an idea while raising its eyebrows and going, "Hunh? Hunh? Never thought of that before, did you?!" The idea this time is "What if Superman used Kryptonite as chemotherapy?!?!?!?!?!" I had to add all of the extra punctuation because that's how I imagine the idea was presented at the yearly "What the fuck kind of stupid ass stories are we going to put Superman in this year?" corporate board meeting.

Vandal Savage shoots Superman out of the sky while Kal is using his new Kryptonite Flight Power which works differently than his Yellow Sun Flight Power.

Batman finishes the "more importantly" statement with "he always has friends" and I sprain my wrist doing a jerking off motion.

So basically Superman's plan is to have friends. Is that really a solid plan? I currently have a friend on Facebook asking her friends for help moving and apparently nobody is responding because she sent out the second message after the plea for help which is always the "shame on you all for not helping me" message. I bet that really got everybody running to the door to help out! I suppose I could have volunteered to help but my plan is not to have friends. My plan is to do everything myself and only interact with other people when I absolutely have to.

Yeah because that would have been a dick thing to say! "Hey, friends! You're my back-up plan! But know this: there's no chance you're going to be able to do anything if me and the Justice League couldn't! Pathetic B-List losers!"

Superman's plan to have friends means he has to save his friends. So that might be a bit of a flaw in his plan. It's why he had a secret identity! So his friends don't get in the way of his plans! But now Vandal Savage has to punch Superman a whole bunch of times because Vandal's plan is to distract Superman with punches until the next part of the plan takes place. The next part is when the comet is close enough to Earth to turn all of Savage's offspring into super assholes.

All of Superman's friends ask themselves, "What would Superman do?" And the answer to that is "throw his life away by relying on friends instead of making plans." So they all stick around Metropolis as the Eye of the Storm begins crashing into it. If I were one of Superman's friends, I'd ask myself, "Which one of us can stop that fucking comet since that's Vandal's main plan? Shouldn't Green Lantern be stopping it or something instead of just battling Vandal on his ship? I mean, if you stop the comet, you stop his plans. So, um, you know. Someone? Zatanna maybe? She can say "Comet be gone!" backwards, right?"

Vandal begins to show compassion for his children this issue because it mirrors Superman's feelings for his friends. But Vandal is just using them for his own ends while Superman . . . well, Superman is technically using his friends for his own ends too. Except his ends aren't selfish so it's okay to manipulate people towards his goals. I mean, not that he's manipulating them! He's, um, inspiring them! Inspiring them to be great enough to throw their lives away! If I were Jimmy Olsen, I would be inspired to call Green Lantern to stop that comet.

Vandal sends his children on a shuttle towards the comet to see if he'll survive close proximity to it. He and Superman are also on the shuttle. I mean, they're literally on the shuttle and not in it like the passengers are. Vandal shoots Superman and kills him while Vandal hops off the shuttle to land on the ground in a broken, immortal heap. I'm sure he'll be fine by Superman #50. Superman, meanwhile, falls into the Fortress of Solitude which finally recognizes him and restores him to greatness. So that's all he needed to get his powers back? Find somebody who could lift that stupid oversized key to unlock the Fortress and let him in?

Now that Superman has his powers back, he doesn't need his friends because he can just punch his way through all of his problems. And now that Vandal's children have become super children thanks to the comet, their plan is to punch their way through the problem (which is Superman). So even with all the talk of needing plans to win, it's all going to come down to a slugfest anyway. Oh comic books. Don't ever change. And by that I mean change. Fucking just change already. I'm tired of your shit.

Action Comics #49

What the fuck?! Is this month's variant "Neal Adams' Disturbingly Fetishized Wank Covers"?

Rating: No change.

Superman finally gets his powers back although the kryptonite chemotherapy didn't fix his hair. It also gave him weird extra powers because that's par for the course whenever Superman writers go through one of their "Superman is too powerful" phases. He always comes back with new powers that should have just been given to a brand new superhero who wouldn't sell and then just disappear slowly over time like practically every character created in the Bloodlines Summer Annual Extravaganza.

This story had about as much plot as Grayson #16. Both issues really didn't cover a lot of ground. But while Grayson #16 was fun and entertaining and worth reading, this was a pile of horseshit. Unless horseshit has beneficial properties like making people laugh when the marching band squishes through it during a local parade. Okay, that's pretty entertaining and better than this book so maybe I should compare it to something else. Like maybe getting your genitals caught in your zipper.

Vandal's ten thousand year old plan relies on stealing the Fortress of Solitude in the final moments which totally makes sense since that totally existed ten thousand years ago. Also he shout a powerful laser into Jupiter. So he's either turning Jupiter into a star like in 2010: A More Confusing Space Odyssey or he's digging out the remnants of Shoemaker-Levy because maybe that was the comet that gave him his powers. I hope it's that one! I wish I could go into Harvey Bullock detail about Shoemaker-Levy but the best I can do is come up with the name without Google's help! I don't even remember the date it hit Jupiter but I was in my early twenties and having sex regularly! That's clear because I always yelled "Here comes Shoemaker-Levy, baby!" whenever I orgasmed.

Action Comics #47

Obviously Wrath should be called "Fivefingers" or "One-Face."

Last issue, Wrath tried to convince Superman that her plan to infect everybody with Black Angry Heroin was benevolent. I'm assuming that this issue, Superman gets out a dictionary and reads the definition of "wrath" to Wrath and then suggesting some names she could have considered that would have made her more trustworthy. I don't know what those words would be because it was really the way she secretly went about her plan that mostly proves she's a lying butthole. Especially the part where all the Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors were trying to destroy Superman rather than trying to feed the hungry or hand out blankets and free feminine hygiene products to the homeless. But I get it. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is burn shit the fuck down without worrying what anybody else thinks or what's going to replace the now burnt down shit. I mean, it's not really productive and it's actually more like a tantrum but you have to admit that sometimes tantrums work!

I also forgot that last issue ended with Superman about to battle Frankenstein! That's like the battle everybody has been waiting for!

Swing your sword and not your fist, dum-dum!

Oh! That's why Superman is suddenly battling Frankenstein. For the "monster" metaphor! See how it works? Superman looks human so everybody thinks, "Oh! He's a good guy! He's white and male and he protects us because we can't protect ourselves! Go Superman!" I mean, not currently. Currently everybody thinks Superman is a monster. But let's pretend Wrath is still trying to convince the world that Superman is a monster and that her job wasn't already done for her by Lois Lane (or, more probably, some kind of mass mind control). Frankenstein looks like a decaying corpse stitched together by a madman which is pretty much the definition of monster especially when you take into account all of the assholes screaming at me right now that it's not "Frankenstein" but "Frankenstein's Monster" which--as you can see!--has "monster" right in the name! But here's the even deeper twist that you probably didn't have time to think about because you tore straight into the comic book to see who wins the battle. Wrath's point is that Frankenstein looks like the real monster here but guess what?! He's actually a sensitive poet! Can you believe that?! Something so hideous can actually be super emotional and into writing poetry?! If that's the case (and it totally is because remember junior high, you poetry writing monster?) then that means Superman could actually be a sociopath (and it totally probably is because he's a white man in a position of power!)!

If you say something enough times, it becomes proof of itself! I totally believe Superman is a monster now!

Because Superman hasn't heard he's a monster enough times to believe it yet, Wrath decides it's time to tell Superman her secret origin. Then maybe he'll believe all of the stupid bullshit she's been spouting!

Wrath's story is how she grew up in poverty which drove her to become a lawyer so she could help people. But then Brainiac took part of Metropolis and put it in a bottle and she couldn't do anything about that. Only Superman could and yet he didn't (For dramatic purposes, we'll forget that he recovered the city later) which totally means he's a bad person because her mother was killed in the incident. To be fair, Wrath doesn't become a super villain at that moment because she still wants to work with Superman when she becomes mayor. But that's when Superman contracted the Doomsday Virus and, once again, defeated Brainiac. But he was much scarier this time because he physically looked like a monster which is probably when Wrath's brain said, "Hey! Look at that! He's a monster!"

To be fair to Wrath, I've been screaming about this for a long time now. When writers can't figure out a way to challenge Superman, they turn Superman against himself via mind control or magic or Apokolyptian energy or an alien virus or a Joker toxin. Writers might think they're just providing an exciting story for a few issues but they're really damaging the character. Because now stupid fucking story arcs like this one can come along where idiots who think Superman is an actual monster and not a hero have proof that Superman is dangerous. Superman should be a beacon of hope and trust. Stop fucking turning him into the bogeyman because now I have to read stories where bad writers continue your fucking thought for you. And the people now afraid of Superman aren't wrong to be afraid of him because he's always out of control! I hate that Batman's idea of Superman is constantly proven correct! Knock it the fuck off. Who do we have to blame for this? Is it Miller's Dark Knight Returns? Whatever the case, I'm sick of it.

I bet I'll be bored with Superman in just a few months if he's written as a beacon of hope though!

Supergirl did have a penchant for punching people in the face. And Superboy was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon. And the other guy is...Zod, I guess? He was a threat in Superman Loves Wonder Woman for a bit!

See? Kryptonians are jerks who need to be stopped by any means necessary! I'm totally on Wrath's side now! Thanks a lot, past writers of The New 52 for making her horrible argument make sense!

Wrath finishes her argument by explaining how she got her power from Vandal Savage which completely ruins everything she said previously! If Vandal Savage is your Yoda, you're the bad guy!

Superman continues to fight against Wrath and her plan to turn everybody into raging Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors. So Wrath's next move is to prove to him that he's a monster by showing how his friends react to him!

Oh yeah! Look at that! Superman surprises the shit out of Jimmy by suddenly materializing in his apartment and Jimmy is shocked! Superman is scary! Point to Wrath!

Superman's plan to beat Wrath is to stop trying to fight Wrath and just accept his rage or something. I don't know. It's the same plan he's been using in every fucking story Greg Pak has written. Embrace his fear. Embrace his anger. Embrace his sadness. Hey Greg? Next time, can you at least jerk me off with a different hand?

Superman absorbs all of the shadow power everywhere and saves the day angrily! Vandal Savage happens upon the scene and doesn't like that his Angry Black Semen is being used for good so he takes it all back and puts it into his little box. He shoves Wrath in their for good measure because she failed him. And Superman is back to normal! I mean, normal in that he still has no powers and no spit curl and no cape and no character and no likeability factor and no reason for existing.

Action Comics #47 Rating: No change. The art was horrible. It was the worst part of this comic book! Oh, it was definitely a photo finish between the writing and the art but I'd have to give with win to the art. And by win I actually mean loss. Although the real loser is me because I paid $3.99 for this shit. I hate myself.

Action Comics #46

Ain't these two just a couple of stinkers?

So there was a panel in the last issue of Action Comics that somehow slipped past me the first time I read it without a huge digression. My digression might not be as huge now but I'm going to pull it out anyway. That sentence was typed with a straight face.

What the fuck, Clark? What in the fucking fuck?!

So Clark Kent knows that Hiro is one of the worst kinds of criminal imaginable in a capitalist society and he's doing nothing about it? How many entrepreneurs and eager young inventors has Hiro ripped off and Clark thinks it's okay to give him a pass? Forget that Clark Kent is Superman. Clark Kent is a journalist! Well, he was. This alone proves that he's the shittiest journalist ever who doesn't give a shit about people in the way that Clark Kent and Superman used to give a shit about people. I guess it's okay to avert your eyes to Hiro's crimes because Hiro has helped Superman defeat bad guys who actually punch things. Those are, apparently, the worst kinds of bad guys ever! White collar bad guys like Hiro though? Totally cool. No big deal. Steal people's ideas and make millions of dollars off of them. Where's the harm, right Clark?

Fuck you, Clark Kent! And by "Fuck you, Clark Kent", I actually mean "Fuck you, Greg Pak." But I didn't want this to devolve into personal attacks!

Last issue, Superman tracked some Supremacist bad guys (unlikeable bad guys who need to be stopped unlike helpful, likeable bad guys who make millions off of their toys) to their wrath factory. In doing so, he's been infected with the angry black tar.

Oh boy. More angry Superman.

I suppose Superman was called a Boy Scout for too long and it rubbed people at DC the wrong way because they decided "Boy Scout" was being used in a derogatory manner (which--come on!--it totally was). Most thinking people proud of the character they were presenting to the world would have shrugged their shoulders and thought, "Fine. Superman isn't for you. But some people love Boy Scouts! Really, really, really love Boy Scouts! You know the people I'm talking about." But instead, the DC Powers That Be would rather be thought of as cool and hip. So their reaction was more like, "Oh? Oh? You don't like Superman like this? He's too gay, right? So gay! And by 'gay' we totally mean 'lame' even thought we're not supposed to use it that way anymore but it's still kind of cool and rebellious to use it that way and the type of people who hate Boy Scout Superman are the type of people we want to like Superman and they're the type to still call lame stuff gay! So, um, how about angry Superman who is angry and beats people up even when there's no need to beat them up? People seem to like Batman and Batman does that a lot! So maybe if we just wrote Batman but put an 'S' on his chest and called him Superman, would that make the jerks we want to please happy?! Let's try it! And while we're at it, can we institute a policy that all women at future office parties have to wear short skirts and no underwear?!"

I just realized at the end of that DC Powers That Be quote that I was really just writing my version of Eddie Berganza (which is probably a spot on impression of the real one!).

So some security robots show up to murder Superman and all of the test subjects including Lee Lemaris. Was that her name? Was she a mermaid?

I guess the angry black tar has made him more powerful? Or is this just his regular old non-powered power levels? I'm so confused by his abilities right now!

Superman defeats this batch of Supremacists and the police vocalize their appreciation of Superman doing their job for them. They would have to be idiotic jerks not to appreciate it! They're still getting paid and they didn't have to risk their lives? Superman is a cop's best friend! Although they might look bad because a vigilante did their job for them. But they'll be okay. Gotham cops suffer through that indignity on a daily basis.

Superman leaves the people he freed to be picked up and experimented on by John Henry. But it's okay that they'll be test subjects this time because they're not free to live their own lives at the behest of good people! It's totally different! Superman heads out to find Wrath so he can destroy this story arc and get his powers back! And hopefully let his hair grow out a bit because that buzz cut is not working for him.

Superman can now phase through shadows. Maybe he'll get to keep this power for awhile because remember how popular Superman was when he was made out of electricity?! People still clamor for those days! In ten years when Superman is an overpowered Boy Scout again, people will sit on their porches drinking Mint Juleps while daintily dabbing watermelon juice from their chin and sigh, "Remember tha days when Supahman was angry and could walk through shadows?" Then they'll sigh and go back to reading the new Batman by Scott Lobdell.

While in the shadows, Clark and Wrath are able to talk with each other. Wrath explains to Clark that the plan is to infect everybody with the angry black tar makes them feel more alive and can be used for good! Clark points out that maybe she should have called herself something other than "Wrath" if she wanted him to believe her plan was benevolent.

Lee follows Superman because Greg Pak seems to think Superman needs a powerful female and/or a thieving Asian sidekick on every adventure. That's fine. I just wish he didn't think Superman needed to have no powers, a haircut, and an angry attitude.

Superman is an undeadaphobe.

That's a pretty strange conclusion to jump to, Superman. Undead are easy vessels for Wrath to fill? Why would you think that? Frankenstein is a fully fleshed out personality just like every other unundead person you've ever met. Why should Frankenstein be easy to fill simply because he's an animated corpse? Seems like a prejudiced response to me!

Wrath appears to Lee to comment on the battle between Superman and Frankenstein. She points out that Superman isn't angry and brutal because of the angry black tar. The angry black tar just reveals the anger and brutality that was already within him. Normally, I'd argue that Wrath was a huge liar and that her underpants were on fire and that I couldn't wait until they burned away so I could get a glimpse of her secret bits. But Superman has been acting like a completely psychotically violent nutjob practically since The New 52 began. This angry punching persona is his natural state! And, judging by Dark Superman in Justice League, it's what everybody wants. I wish I were infected with angry black tar so that I could just give in and accept newfangled jerko Superman just like everybody else! I wonder if black tar heroin is the same as angry black tar? Even if it's not, it will probably stop me from caring about DC ruining Superman.

You can tell this is the angry bad Superman because of the tar goatee.

Action Comics #46 Rating: No change. Greg Pak continues to display his ignorance of Superman as a character. I suppose it's not his fault. He's writing the Superman the idiotic masses seem to want. He's less powerful so nobody has to worry about Marvel Fans pointing out how ridiculous his power levels are. He's angry so nobody will ever call him a Boy Scout again. He got a hair cut just in case people were making fun of his infantile spit curl. He's constantly battling by the side of a minority just in case people try to point out how overly white and male his adventures are. He's wearing a shirt and jeans so nobody is debating whether underwear should be worn on the outside or the inside. I guess those are the fixes Superman needed? And so what if he's not heroic anymore? Who cares if he's constantly battling personal problems and doesn't have time for anybody else? Who cares if he's not an inspiration to people to better themselves and fight for truth and justice and...well, maybe not exactly the American way since that way is violent and imperialistic. Who the fuck cares, right? I mean besides me.

Action Comics #45

Nobody looks terrified. That woman just seems to be disgusted and saying, "Um, no thank you." The guy is totally jealous though because he's got a tiny wiener.

The first page of this issue is just there to remind everybody that the rest of the issue is going to be a real bummer. Mostly because the first page has the credits and Greg Pak's name is still in them. But also because a reporter is reminding the readers how Superman has lost all of his powers which makes him boring, the whole world knows he's Clark Kent which actually means almost nothing, and Superman has an approval rating of 23 percent which is far higher than I would have guessed based on the intense xenophobia he's been facing lately. Superman is also still just wearing the t-shirt and jeans look developed in Grant Morrison's initial run on Action Comics when The New 52 began.

Here's a theory that's too dumb to be true which means it's probably true based on the intelligence of the people running DC Comics: could it be that the editors and creative directors believe that the only successful run of Superman so far (Morrison's Action Comics run) was successful because of what he was wearing?!

The reporter points out that Superman is actually being heroic which makes no sense because people hate him and he lost his powers so why is he bothering? He's probably just trying to increase his approval rating. What a jerk.

See? People in on Earth-You are stupid jerks.

Even if it's just for show, it's more than that greasy cook is doing to save people's lives. And Superman doesn't even expect anything in return from the people he's saving, like belief in his Lord and Savior or monetary gain! Oh wait. I guess he expects good press!

I just realized the main reason everybody should be angry at Superman! Somebody needs to do an expose on Clark Kent and dig up all of his articles that praise Superman! Then at least people can be mildly disgusted about how Superman used his bully pulpit to present himself as a great guy with terrific abs and an inordinate ability to please his lovers.

Everybody knew he was an alien before, didn't they? Why is that such a big deal now?

If everybody didn't already realize Superman was an alien, how did it become an issue? Finding out he's Clark Kent should have made people suspect that maybe he was just pretending to be an alien! Hasn't anybody done that fucking expose on Clark Kent yet that I mentioned earlier?! You'd think that would be the entirety of the episode of "60 Minutes" the week following Lois's article. "Who is Clark Kent?!" I'm sure records exist that document him all the way back to when he was a baby. And only he, Martha, and Jonathan know the details of his arrival on this planet, and two of those people are dead! Couldn't Clark just point out he was born on the farm? He should just say he made up the Krypton back story to go with the costume and the alter ego after he discovered he had strange powers that he probably got from that jerk Lex Luthor!

I don't even get this part of the argument. I don't think Greg Pak even understands why people hate Superman. He probably just has Eddie Berganza over his shoulder yelling, "You have to make people hate Superman or I'll touch your junk!"

My main complaint about this diner that Clark Kent wandered into to write isn't even that the cook is an idiot. My main complaint is that they have a television on the wall blaring out the fucking news as people try to enjoy their greasy food.

The cook and the waitress get into a physical confrontation as Clark decides whether or not to intervene. Apparently he now has some kind of face altering technology. It's not Spyral brand though; it's the knock-off Waynetech version. Clark uses his heat vision to set off the sprinklers which disrupts the fight. He also leaves a forty dollar tip for the waitress because I guess we were supposed to be on her side in the brawl even though she was being a huge ass and escalated the entire argument by throwing glasses? Oh wait, I think it was okay to smash up the store because the cook made a sexist comment. That'll teach him to get mad when the waitress tells him to shut up! What a huge jerk!

When are we going to find out what happened to Krypto? And did Superman just abandon the Fortress of Solitude?

Superman has a new Fortress of Solitude at the edge of the Talladega National Forest in Alabama. He's also got a new secret identity! He's Archie Clayton and he works at Swan Laundry! I hope nobody ever finds out that he's got another secret identity because his approval rating can't afford another hit!

Toymaster tracks down Superman at his new Fortress of Solitude because of course he did. He can do whatever Greg Pak wants him to do because he's a fictional character that everybody reading has to believe is a super genius that isn't stymied by anything at all! Not space! Not time! Not reality! Of course once Hiro steps foot in the new place, Clark has to blow it up. Does that mean Archie Clayton is already dead?!

Is this the Secret Origin of The Toyman?!

Luckily Archie Clayton survives! Whew! I was really beginning to like that guy. He's on a mission to deliver warm towels to the gym inside Lyfegene, Inc. It's way more exciting than Superman stopping a comet from smashing into the Earth or running a race against the Flash.

No clean towels needed here!

Is this an Intergang thing? Some people might be wondering how Archie Clayton figured out this was going on at Lyfegene. It's not like he's the World's Greatest Detective! But he was a fairly mediocre investigative journalist! Sure, most of his investigations had to do with the size of Superman's cock (Huge!) and how heterosexual Superman was (Way!) and how often he scored on a daily basis (100%! Sometimes more!). When Clark Kent actually put his mind to the job instead of just writing puff pieces on Superman, Clark has discovered he's actually pretty good at his job! All this time, he could have been giving Lois Lane a run for her Pulitzer!

Actually they're not Intergang. That was so last universe. These are those Supremacist guys. They're like super racists with access to power stealing technology.

Why is this universe so chock full of power stealing technology?! I have a new theory that might be too dumb to be true (but probably isn't): comic book writers are lazy!

Archie Clayton has to rip off his uniform and expose himself as Clark Kent! I mean Superman! He saves everybody and discovers they've been infected with the Black Stuff just like Lee Lambert! Also they've captured Lee Lambert! Also Superman gets infected with the Black Stuff too!

Great. Once again, Superman has been compromised by bad shit! Batman was so fucking right about this guy being a danger to the world.

Action Comics #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. So many things that need to change in the way Superman comics are currently written that I probably couldn't come up with them all offhand. But one thing that needs to stop immediately is the way Superman keeps getting compromised and turning bad. Between being mind-controlled by psychics, possessed by the Joker, turned into a sorceress's puppet through magic, or infected with the Doomsday virus, Superman has become the biggest enemy in Superman comic books. What does any of it prove? That he can overcome adversity? No. It proves he's a selfish prick that's a bigger danger to the world than anything he's fighting against. He keeps proving Batman right, time and time again. This guy is dangerous. And he's selfish because he doesn't leave Earth when he realizes that he doesn't have any defense against being manipulated. I don't think Superman is selfish, so writers have only two choices. Either Superman leaves the Earth until he can find a way to stop being controlled by every piece of shit villain that comes down the pike, or writers need to just fucking stop with the "Superman is being controlled and is now a danger to everybody" story arcs! Can somebody please just make Superman heroic again?!

Action Comics #44

I hope this story turns out to be a big hallucination brought on by Scarecrow Toxins!

Walking to the grocery store around midnight last week, the Non-Certified Spouse and I ran into a couple of raccoons climbing some trees. I stopped and baby talked at them for awhile before continuing on to the store where they were playing "Hey Mickey" over the sound system. On the way back home while crossing the street where the raccoons had been, I sang, "Hey raccoons! You're so sneaky! Don't you understand? You take me by the heart when I see your little hands." The raccoons did not come out and applaud. Fuckers.

The Non-Certified Spouse posted a picture of one of the raccoons in the tree staring at us and one of her friends went on a rant about how all raccoons are crow murdering bastards. So I called her a "raccist."

Last night at work, I saw a raccoon crumpled up in the middle of the road and I cried off and on for the rest of the night.

I hope there are some raccoons in Action Comics #44. Happy raccoons though! Not poor pathetic raccoons brought to rack and ruin by big city living! I wonder if you can teach a raccoon to smoke? Although I'm in Portland, so I'd probably have to teach it to vape.

Last issue ended with Superman attacking the Metropolis City Hall because the mayor and her goons are all Shadow Monsters. That must be why most everybody hates Superman so much. Because they're being influenced by their local government and everybody knows how we all take our cues from the mayors of our cities and our other elected officials. I constantly hear people say, "What would Joe Biden do?"

Joe Biden is a politician, right?

I think Vice Presidents are only "elected officials" by the slightest of technical margins.

The cape wrapped around Superman's fists is the perfect symbol for the problems DC has been having with Superman's portrayal. He loses his powers and the only thing he needs to continue to fight evil is an indestructible piece of cloth wrapped around his fists so he can punch the problems unconscious.

The mayor is the leader of the Shadow Monsters and she goes by the name of Wrath. Hopefully she's a shadow with some substance so that Superman can "solve" this problem too.

Wrath is feeding on everybody's anger much like the Ultra-Humanite was feeding on everybody's fear in Greg Pak's previous story arc. So once again, Greg Pak steals more ideas from himself. I wanted to like you, Greg Pak. I really did. I was all, "This guy's name is easy to remember!" That was it. That was the only reason I wanted to like you.

No wait! I wanted to like you, Greg Pak, because I wanted to read enjoyable Superman stories. And since your name is easy to remember, I would have been, "How about that Greg Park guy on Superman? Great work, right?"

How does anybody in the DC Universe get convicted of anything when all a lawyer has to do is bring up the probability of mind control?!

If I were a citizen of Metropolis or Smallville, I think I really would be pissed off at Superman by this point. If it isn't Wrath making us do stupid shit like attacking innocent people or lapsing into comas, it's Brainiac, or The Ultra-Humanite, or Mongul, or Xa-Du, or Hector Hammond, or Queen Bee, or Lois Lane. Maybe a super hero that can defend against magic and mind control should move into Metropolis as backup because this shit is getting old.

How have I never come up with this awful turn of phrase? I've read so many Scott Lobdell comic books, my insides would be like a gory garden!

In the Ultra-Humanite battle, Superman had to feed too much fear to Ultra-Humanite so that Ultra-Humanite's belly hurt and he had to stop eating. That's a pretty standard battle tactic in comic books. When a creature feeds on something (like the Parasite feeding on energy), the hero just has to feed the creature too much of the stuff that makes it powerful and it breaks down. It's at least as old as The New Teen Titans #27 from January 1987 where Starfire pumps lots of Starjuice into Plasmus until he can't take it anymore and must flee. But I'm sure it's older than that. It's about as standard as a hero being swallowed whole by a giant monster and then exploding out of that monster's stomach. Starfire did that one a few times too!

Anyway, what I was getting at before I was derailed by my own thoughts, Superman is probably going to have to get super-angry so that Wrath feeds on too much anger and explodes into little hunks of concentrated evil which will appear in microwaves all over the world after which parents will touch it and explode. I've never been so thoroughly confused by the ending of a movie than by Time Bandits which I saw at ten years old. I didn't know movies could end ambiguously. At least the kid fell in love with that fireman.

Meanwhile Lee Lambert, Superman's current Double-L acquaintance, is battling the residents of Metropolis who couldn't resist Wrath's Shadow Monsters. They've basically turned into a zombie mob and are going around pissing off other people so that those people will then join the mob. Lee will probably resist because she's into Transcendental Meditation. Maybe. I bet if all of these people were Scientologists, they'd be able to resist the anger.

So is Superman nearly powerless or not? Because I don't think I could even stand up a motorcycle that has fallen over. Although that might say more about me than Superman.

Wrath disappears before Superman can overfeed her, so Superman returns to his neighborhood to battle Lee for awhile. Her right arm has been taken over by the Shadow Monsters because it was angrier than the rest of her body. It's also possible Aaron Kuder just found it easier to draw her with a gigantic arm so he wouldn't have to worry about her proportions. That's totally understandable. When I was in second grade, I drew a lot of characters kneeling on rocks or with their feet in holes in the ground because I would screw up an aspect of their proportions.

Lee manages to use the Angry Shadow to her own purposes and saves a bunch of citizens before a building can collapse on them. The rest of the Shadow Monsters have disappeared for the time being. Lee decides she doesn't want any help curing her of the Angry Shadow because she's hoping to get a short-lived comic book series like that Doomed kid.

The people in Clark's neighborhood begin to clean everything up and take care of each other. But a bunch of them still hate Superman even with the Shadow Monsters gone. So I guess not all of the xenophobia was generated by Wrath. Although where did all of this hate come from? They knew Superman was an alien before. I guess they just didn't realize he was stealing human journalism jobs too. Superman decides to ignore them and go find out where Wrath ran off to.

Wrath has headed back to her own dimension in a seedy hotel. But on the way, she's accosted by a man who tells her to smile because Greg Pak desperately wants Tumblr to like him. "Look! I wrote a thing where a man tells a woman to smile and then he's killed for his insolence!" Stop being so trite, Greggy! That's low hanging feminist fruit, that one! You should have had her kill a guy on the subway for sitting with his legs spread too wide while you were at it!

Wrath meets up with her gang members but they don't show their faces yet because Comic Books. You'll have to wait until next month for that exciting reveal even though it would be perfectly acceptable to reveal them here which would also garner excitement to see how they're going to attack Superman.

Her three gang members are obviously Jesus Christ, Professor Zoom, and HORDR_ROOT.

Action Comics #44 Rating: No change. I'm not sure anything was actually resolved in this issue. It really just came to a place where the story can finally be honest with everything that's happened to Clark in the pages of Superman. Most of the last four issues have just been stalling as Superman battled the mystery Shadow Monsters. I suppose all of Wrath's gang members will wind up being enemies that have been hassling Superman to bring him to the point where he can be taken down in the next story line. He's now full of anger thanks to Wrath. HORDR_ROOT has helped expose his identity and steal his powers. I guess the other two mystery figures will be revealed in the next issues of Batman Loves Superman and Superman Loves Batman. Although being that Greg Pak likes bringing back Xa-Du, one of them is probably him! And maybe the other is the Ultra-Humanite. Can we just get past all of this bullshit and get back to the point where Superman has all of his powers again? I'm so sick of going through this bullshit with Superman every few years. He loses most of his powers because writers think it will make the series more dramatic or more interesting. Finally that wears thin because Superman needs to be Superman and he regains his powers. But that only lasts for a few years before another writer gets the novel idea to depower him! Back and forth, back and forth. We get it. Nobody fucking knows how to write this guy.

Action Comics #43

Anywhere, USA, 1940...or Portland, OR, 2015?

When we last left Clark Kent, he was beating the shit out of a cop who had ordered a bunch of other cops to beat the shit out of a bunch of protesters. Jimmy Olsen was standing in the background taking pictures so he's probably going to help ruin Clark's life even more by selling a shot of Clark punching Binghamton in the face to the Daily Bugle.

There it is! That's the shot that earns all of the money and the Pulitzers and the enmity of a best friend! See the "CLK CLK CLK" signalling the death of friendship?!

Binghamton's face tears wide open exposing the Shadow Monster underneath. When one of the SWAT Guys asks Superman how Clark knew Binghamton wasn't human, Clark says, "I didn't." Idiot! That still leaves you open to criticism as to why you'd punch a human being in the face that hard! You're supposed to say, "Because I'm Superman! Protecting the little people is what I do!" Although maybe try not to sound as condescending as I always sound.

Binghamton being a shadow creature explains why all of the police are following his orders to beat up innocent civilians. It's just more mind-control! Always fucking mind-control in these Superman comic books! But I suppose that also means that all of my complaints about last issue were just answered. These cops aren't just assholes because cops are usually assholes. No! These are good men struck down by an evil psychic shadow monster! And how do I know they're good men?

Would a relative of Maps Mizoguchi be evil? I don't think so!

Thanks to the magic of the Mizoguchi charm (probably), the rest of the police and SWAT team turn on Binghamton. Everybody comes to Clark's defense because they love him so much! Nobody actually hated him after all! It's just the darkness in their hearts which was probably brought out by LexCorps Pharmaceuticals! Superman chooses to believe the cops were just assholes following orders who now get to blame their horrible decisions on the Shadow Monster. Well, isn't that nice, Clark. How about if everybody just blamed you for going on that Doomsday rampage when it was really just the disease? Or how about when Queen Bee and Hector Hammond were mind-controlling you? Oh wait. That probably is why everybody hates you. Because they don't actually believe you were mind-controlled or sick.

The mayor speaks with Superman and suggests he leave Metropolis since he's a target. Guess what, Mr. Mrs. Mayor? Metropolis is also a target now because everybody knows Superman would give his life to save it! So it's better if he's there to be the actual target! Although Smallville is probably a target now too. But Superman refuses to leave and decides to go make some plans with Lee and Olsen in Clark's apartment.

Jesus Christ, Wonder Woman sure left the place a mess.

Superman gathers up the people in his neighborhood and tells them that they're all Superman now. He points out that they're going to have to take care of themselves because, apparently, the people in his neighborhood don't have enough common sense to know they're responsible for their own lives and safety. I mean since they obviously don't have super powers, apparently "being Superman" just means acting like a responsible adult! I don't know if I like that decision because that means I can't be Superman. Shucks!

Meanwhile at least one policewoman is an idiot.

How hard must it be for a writer to write such irrational statements coming out of the mouths of characters?

Here's Cheap-Ass Writing 101 (it's the class you have to take if you want to be writer for CW's Arrow):

1. Have first good character tell lie for good reasons.
2. Have second good character discover lie.
3. Have second good character hate first good character forever for all time because first good character is a lying fuckfaced fucker fuck.
4. Drama!

You can get three mediocre seasons of television out of that shit! Although to really keep the fans buying your bullshit, you also need to have two characters that would never and should never fall in love, fall in love.

The Mayor likes Anabella's anti-liar attitude so she thinks she'd make a good member of the Mayor's Shadow Cabinet. The Mayor might be dumber than everybody else in this comic book if she thinks Annabella would appreciate that the Mayor has been lying about working with the Shadow People when Annabella was obviously so disturbed that Superman was lying about being Clark Kent. Annabella tries to shoot the Mayor's shadow henchmen instead of saying, "Sign me up, Mr. Mrs. Mayor!" It's a good thing Superman arrives to save the day! The real Superman! Clark Kent! Not Dante or Lee or one of the other Supermen from Clark's neighborhood.

Action Comics #43 Rating: No change. I want a shirt that reads, "Problematic as all get out! But my heart's in the right place. Hint: it's in my chest! Now stop looking at my boobs!" Maybe that's too long for a t-shirt.

Action Comics #42

Gooble Gobble! Gooble Gobble!

Superman is a man descended from the sky who is trying to save us all while the government wants him dead! That seems vaguely familiar! And the imagery on the cover seems to remind me of something? I can't quite figure it out but it's probably the X-men since that's what this book has become. If any comic book readers can't get enough of the whole normal people hating super powered people story line from the last fifty years of The X-men, you can now get your fill with Superman! He says he's a nice guy just trying to do the right thing but how can anybody believe him when he's different than us?! And if you can't get enough of all of this xenophobic tripe, you only have about a year before Batman Vs Superman is in theaters and Bruce Wayne winds up making Lex Luthor look like a calm motherfucker (in a ridiculous wig).

Last issue, Superman returned to Metropolis even though everybody hates him now. He ran away for awhile but he decided it was time to come back. If you want to know why, you'll just have to wait until Superman #44 is published. Until then, just trust whatever Greg Pak writes and try not to get too angry when an Editor's Note tells you to go read a comic book that doesn't exist to understand what's going on. Some people in Superman's old neighborhood are glad he's back because, believe it or not, a minuscule number of people actually trust Superman and have no beef against him just because he's different.

Hey kids who have differences which the media often tell you will make your life hell because everybody in the world is a bigoted asshole! I have news for you: they're wrong. And stories like this perpetuate the idea that the majority of people are unfeeling assholes who won't accept anybody who's different than they are. People are assholes, yes, but for different reasons than being prejudiced cunts. The majority of people you meet in life will never try to harm you or be mean to you or treat you like the subhuman you probably are (I mean, let's face it. Aren't we all fucking gross assholes?). Although the part of this story that is believable is the part where the police are doing the bidding of the rich and powerful. They're moving in to wipe out the people in Superman's neighborhood because somebody rich and/or powerful fears these people. See, it's the government and their pawns on their police forces and the people who most fear for their position of wealth and power who want us all to believe that the masses are full of hateful, vile people. The masses are not. Although, let's face it. When you meet that one dick in a thousand, you forget about the existence of the other 999 cool people. Fucking dicks ruin everything.

Just screaming into a megaphone that something is unlawful doesn't make it so.

Just like a pig! Shouting bullshit orders to give them a bullshit excuse to arrest people for resisting arrest! How in the world can anybody ever be charged with only resisting arrest? You fuckers had best charge me with something else first or else I wasn't resisting shit.

Currently Superman is battling a Sludge Monster down at the pier. Superman seems to recognize the thing? Like he's battled them before somewhere? Or something? I wish I knew more!

Oh thanks! I'll fucking check that out! Or--now hear me out--how about not publishing stories that rely on information in stories that have yet to be published? Tell this fucking story after Superman #44 comes out! In the meantime, tell some other fucking Superman story that takes places before he loses his identity. I hate you, DC Comics.

Superman pulls some old tall tale bullshit and rodeos the shadow monster into a conveniently placed gas truck near a helpful fire. He blows it up and he survives even though he's "not as invulnerable" as he was. So how invulnerable is he? And how strong is he? And what happened to his Solar Flare Power? And why does everybody know who he is? And why do they all hate him? And why am I still reading this piece of shit comic book?

The police move in on the Block Party because they want everybody to know if you approve of Supeman, you're not worth protecting. This story is so poorly written that I should be angry at Greg Pak and yet he and his dumb story are just making me angrier at a police force that's supposed to protect and serve the populace but which does neither. At their best, they're just glorified meter maids handing out as many tickets as they possibly can. Most cops could probably be replaced by red light cameras and speed trap vans. And even though I'm opposed to those things, I'd rather have my city full of them than actual police officers. Fuck those guys. Even the good ones who supposedly take their job seriously because they're not taking it seriously enough to stand up and help stamp out the corruption among their peers!

This guy must have transferred over from Gotham.

Binghamton orders the SWAT team to beat the shit out of Superman as he just stands and takes it. Who are these guys on the SWAT team that just follow bullshit, violent, sadistic orders like this? I bet it's Lex Luthor in a mask and a wig! He probably paid off the SWAT guy to get a chance to beat the shit out of Superman legally. I mean, um, "legally."

Binghamton fires tear gas into the crowd and the SWAT guys begin beating the shit out of people. I guess the interview to become a member of the SWAT team in Metropolis is just two questions: Do you love beating people? and Do you absolutely love beating people? Meanwhile, Jimmy Olsen just stands around taking pictures. Not because he's hoping for a Pulitzer! No! He needs to get the truth to the people!

Superman can't stand around being peaceful any longer and punches the fuck out of Binghamton. I wonder if Jimmy Olsen got a photograph of that! I bet J. Jonah White runs that shot on the cover of the Bugle Planet!

Action Comics #42 Rating: -3 Ranking. Why is this comic book making me so angry?!

Action Comics #41

Since the Sneak Peek "Truth" comics just portrayed the aftermath of Lois Lane's inability to keep her big mouth shut, hopefully this issue will tell how she completely fucked Clark Kent. Not in the way the fans wanted.

This issue begins with Superman shirtless and freezing and maybe bleeding while wandering the wilderness. He finds a road which leads to a town which takes him to an Editor's Note that says "See Superman #41 for details." That means I'm going to put this comic book back in the stack and wait for Superman #41 to come out. I'll see you in the next paragraph! For you it'll be immediate! For me, it's going to take some time. Later!

Okay! I'm back and it really didn't matter because what the Editorial Note really meant to say was "See Superman #41-44 for more details." Because the whole story about how Lois finds out plays out during a four part story. I guess Superman fans will just have to accept that Lois blabbed for some reason and now Superman has found himself freezing to death in Alaska.

After the Editor's Note, Clark buys a shirt, eats a burrito, and buys a motorcycle. He says "Ha" a lot. Maybe he's in the same Endgame hallucination as Batman! He's all tanked up on Wacky Joker Juice and this is all a huge dream!

Some kid recognizes Clark as Superman which causes everybody in town to flip the fuck out and begin trying to kick his ass. Because he's, you know, an alien who was hiding amongst them. God forbid Kal-el ever meet any humans that aren't complete xenophobes. Superman just ate a burrito though so he's got enough calories to punch the fuck out of all of the Alaska hillbillies. He then hops on his motorcycle and heads out to find himself.

Kal heads back to Metropolis because...I don't know. He seems to have left in the first place because J. Jonah White fired him and then the banks cancelled his credit cards (because why?!) and then he was sued for "Superman-related damages." It turns out 99% of the people of Metropolis are really assholes that weren't worth saving. And now Superman has come back because...oh, I went through this in the beginning, didn't I? I don't know why he's going back. To tell everybody he's sorry for lying to them and hope they all forgive him? To say how disappointed he is that everybody just turned out to be less smart Lex Luthors?

Okay, maybe the percentage of people who are Pro-Superman is a smidgen greater than one percent.

Between Aaron Kuder and John Romita Jr, I have no idea what Superman is supposed to look like anymore.

At the Superman is Cool Block Party, Clark meets a firewoman named Lee Lambert. Those double "L"s mean she's going to be an important person in Superman's life! I bet he bangs her! Or she bangs him! Whichever! I'm cool!

Lee Lambert isn't as cool with Superman as the other people seem to be. She, and others in the neighborhood, are afraid of what monsters will descend on the neighborhood that housed Superman. Well good. She should be. People who live with fear and decide to blame other people for that fear deserve to be scared and worried on a constant basis. I don't have any sympathy for the cowards.

Superman rushes off to battle some shadow monster that seems to be something like the shadow monsters seen in Superman #42. Remember that comic book? Yeah, I don't either because my time machine is in the shop.

While Superman battles the Shadow Monster down at the docks, Dawn Command, a fascist group of police, march on Clark's old neighborhood so they can burn it to the ground. Enh. I don't fucking care.

Action Comics #41 Rating: -4 Ranking. Stupid, mean people acting stupid and mean. Those are the people that populate Superman's world. It's stupid as fuck and I've long grown bored of "Superman is the enemy" stories. I have a feeling I'm going to be reading a lot of those lately. Hey DC Comics? Can't you just fucking let Superman be the hero Superman is meant to be?! Assholes.

Action Comics #40

Party time! Excellent!

My favorite Bill and Ted adventure was when they had to go back in time to kill themselves so that they wouldn't go back in time to kill themselves. Such a mess!

This issue begins with Superman Narration Boxing about how he's flying "straight past continuity." Fuck you, Greg Pak! You're not as clever as Gail Simone thinks you are! You're ruining my love of comics by having Superman acknowledge continuity the way nobody does ever. Sometimes I walk down the street and I think, "I'd love to have a doughnut right now but a fat me would really fuck up continuity." Then I look down at my stomach and think, "Oh shit. We need another Flashpoint!" And then I have another think and rethink, "Well, I guess that doughnut won't hurt as much as I thought it would!" And then I eat five doughnuts and cry in an alley behind the doughnut shop. All because of Greg Pak!

What is the reason Superman has to think about continuity and physics and how impossible everything that he's just now experiencing is (without thinking about how impossible everything he just recently experienced was when he fought sentient anal warts spilling out of a newly goat.se'd Phantom Zone)?

He's just discovered Bizarro World.

I hate this. I hate that DC Comics feels they need to apologize for whimsical impossibilities. Oh, you can have the most impossible things happening on a constant basis as long as they're grim or terrifying or horrific. But you have to apologize beforehand for introducing Bizarro World back into the DC Universe? Idiocy! I'm a grown man reading a comic book, people! I don't need a man powered by the sun from an alien planet to explain to me what is and isn't impossible! You know what's worse than having a square planet with a moon made from cheese? Having Superman acknowledge "continuity"!

By page three, I've already lost any outrage against DC Comics and Greg Pak because I've found myself in my favorite place in the DC Universe. Oh Bizarro World, how I have missed thee! Or thou!

Superman is probably thinking, "Oh, hey! Thanks!" But ten pages in, this conversation will come back to him and he'll be all, "Wait a minute...!"

By page five, Superman understands that he's in an opposite world and that everything that comes out of Bizarro's mouth means exactly the opposite of what it sounds like he's saying. But Superman has yet to wrap his mind around how antagonizing he's being by saying things like "I'm not your enemy!" or "I'm not here to fight you!" Opposite world, Clark! Opposite world! You need to say things like "I hate you not a lot!" and "You am my worst enemy!" and "Me want stick my vagina in your mouth!" just to, you know, show him you're not gay or anything. Just in case! And for God's sake don't say, "I didn't sleep with Lois Lane #1!" See, that means you did! Which could cause trouble!

Oh! I just, all by myself, discovered an Easter Egg in Google Hangouts! If you type "Woo hoo!", you send an animation to the loser friend with whom you're currently speaking! I wish the animation were of a monkey saying "Monkeys like buttsecks!" but it's not. I wish I could insert an animation of me making a sad face here but I don't want to fuck with a .gif maker at the moment.

Metallo shows up to speak normal which means this must be Metallo from Earth-Main-Earth. I guess that's why Superman is here? To rescue Metallo! But Metallo seems to be having a good time trying to keep order on Bizarro World. I say let him stay. If he can figure out what the fuck is going on, or even if he just doesn't care, more power to him. At least he knows he can punch anybody he wants and they'll like it. Or do they hate it? Do they love violence and hate fucking? Or do they hate fucking and love violence, in their parlance? Do you even know what I'm talking about?! Do I?

How many reviewers reviewed this comic book completely in a Bizarro voice because they don't have the capability of recognizing an unoriginal and boring idea?

How ridiculous!

Superman mentions how he's still trying to figure out the rules to the opposite speak because he's apparently dumber than a kindergartner. Unless by saying he doesn't understand the rules, he actually means he does understand the rules? I wonder if satire exists on Bizarro World? Or sarcasm? "Can me be less opposite?"

Bizarro rescues his friends so they can begin destroying the city and having a good time. Bizarro Wonder Woman seems to be made entirely out of clay and Bizarro Flash is super slow. Bizarro Green Lantern is yellow and enjoys punching himself. I guess that's the opposite of how Hal loves to punch other people? And Bizarro Batman probably loves killing and is completely sane. Bizarro Aquaman wears a goldfish bowl on his head because regular Aquaman doesn't?

Oh, this is Bizarro Metallo! I guess Bizarro World computers somehow don't think like Bizarro Worlders. Even though they're programmed by them. That makes less sense than a moon made of cheese! Or the Speed Force!

Superman realizes that the Bizarros enjoy their fucked up planet so he decides to let them be. That's such an enlightened attitude, Supes! I'm fucking surprised it came out of your face! While Metallo pouts because he has a computer brain which means he now loves order even if his computer brain is composed of a Bizarro World computer which would mean...oh, forget it! He's just going to have to be sad living in a world of complete chaos.

And then Doomsday arrives! Oh boy! The people of Bizarro World will love Doomsday! He's going to bring a whole new level of destruction to their square planet. He might even become president of the Separated States of America!

Superman finally, sort of, understands how to say the opposite of what he actually means. He introduces Doomsday to Bizarro as the nicest guy in the universe who will bring joy and harmony to the world of Bizarro. So Bizarro, naturally, must kill him. Which he does!

I'd prefer Bizday.

Doomzarro lands on Bizarro World and instantly creates lots of bunnies and kittens and guinea pigs and flowers and cutesy hearts and sparkling rainbows. It's the worst plague to ever hit Bizarro World. A plague of cuteness. In the chaos, Superman gets his beard ripped off because it's not cute. It really wasn't. Superman, being dumb as a stump, warns Bizarro in non-opposite language that he's destroying everything he cares about. Which means he's fixing everything he hates? Oh, I guess that will get the message across as well! Sorry to equate your intelligence with the remains of a slaughtered tree.

Doomzarro sacrifices himself to save his home planet. But then he reappears because sacrificing yourself on Bizarro World means that you didn't sacrifice yourself. Or something. Fuck, I'm confused.

Action Comics #40 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue gets a +1 Ranking for the goldfish bowl on Aquaman's head. And it gets a +1 Ranking for being the best, and most logical, explanation as to how Superman shaves. I'm surprised he stays as clean shaven as he does if this is the process for shaving every morning. Now I really feel lazy about never wanting to shave! Although it would be more fun to go to Bizarro World every time I wanted to shave! "Me am not interested in your penis, Lois Lane #1! Not at all! Me am not happy to see you and me have gun in me pants!"

Action Comics #39

I bet Clark Kent doesn't report on this adventure.

Last issue, Superman was still trying to plug the leak in The Phantom Zone with the help of the psychic citizens of Smallville. It sounds like an Elseworlds tale but it's really just another Greg Pak story. They always sound like Elseworld stories which is why nobody ever remembers what happened at the end of the story. I have a sneaking suspicion that a whole lot of residents of Smallville are going to have some gaps in their memories by the end of this story.

Lana Lang has been taken inside the portal so before the leak is plugged, Superman and Steel have to venture inside to find her.

Gross. I think the portal was something's anal sphincter.

So who wants to read my theory?! The Phantom Zone is actually a universe-sized creature! The part of the Phantom Zone Superman is used to is the many galaxy wide empty spaces of the creature's lungs. The hole in The Phantom Zone over Smallville is a gateway into the creature's asshole. All of the monsters coming out of it and attaching themselves to the residents of Smallville are sentient anal warts. The mists of horror covering Smallville are a combination of blood and fecal matter passing out of The Phantom Zone's ass as gaseous vapors. Superman is going to have to burn up all the sentient anal warts with his heat vision and tie off several hemorrhoids which are causing the bloody fecal mist. Then he'll rub a nice, cooling salve all over the portal and give it a tender kiss. The day will be saved!

If I'm wrong, I'll eat Scott Lobdell's underwear!

To protect themselves against fear, Steel and Superman literally harden their hearts. They use organic metal! Somehow that makes things not so scary. Next time I'm really sad, I'm going to eat a wrench. Will that help? I think that will help.

I still don't know what organic steel is. Superman refers to it as "them" so I guess it's giant, radioactive ants?

"Beep beep beep. We are now robots. We do not understand love. Beep beep beep."

The Robo-Boys discover Lana in the mouth of the biggest sentient anal wart Steel has ever seen. Superman has seen a few bigger in his day but then he's been all over the galaxy. But Superman remembers he once met this anal wart twenty years ago in a cornfield in Smallville. This sentient anal wart even had a name: Ultra-Humanite! He doesn't know why he escaped the Phantom Zone twenty years ago but after crawling back inside to escape Superboy's universe shattering punches, he was stuck once again. Until Doomsday pulled a goat.se on The Phantom Zone!

Heeeeeeeere's Doomsday!

Whew! I was worried I wasn't going to work in a Stephen King reference this issue! You know, since this story is about horror and all.

Lana is all, "Don't save me Superman! I'm done for! You can't save everybody!" And Superman is all, "That's not Lana speaking! The last time I talked to her, she was all, 'You asshole! You couldn't save my parents! You stupid prickfaced fucknugget! Why can't you save everybody?!'" So Superman knows the monster is playing tricks on him. So he tears off his covering of giant radioactive ants and falls into a terror filled fugue state where he relives the scariest moments of his life!

Unless they're the best moments of his life. It's hard for me to tell! I spend most of my life as if my heart is covered in giant radioactive ants! But Superman does remember how he laughed at a fart joke on television so that's canon now. I hope Batman doesn't find out Superman thinks farts are funny! He'll lose the last ounce of respect he has for him.

Superman then fantasizes about everybody he loves dying. That probably gives him a sense of relief which will cause the Ultra-Humanite to lose its grip on him. He'll be, "A-ha! I know how to beat you! If I just pretend everything I love is dead, you can't make me scared!" And the Ultra-Humanite will be all, "But you can't just...that's utterly ridiculous!" And then Superman will punch the Ultra-Humanite in the Lana Lang and it will go, "AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH!" And then the day will be saved and everybody will find themselves standing around the barber shop in Smallville going, "What just...was I getting a shave? Happy birthday!"

If that's not how this plays out, I'll eat Ann Nocenti's underwear!

Feeling Superman's fear, the Ultra-Humanite releases Lana Lang and scoops him up in his mouth. Oh! Maybe Clark will fart on it to save the day! That fart bit was just foreshadowing!

That's going to be the name of my first mystery novel: The Foreshadowed Fart.

See? Sentient anal warts!

The people of Smallville seal the anal sphincter and the day is saved. The next day (one that doesn't need saving), everybody enjoys a double funeral as The Kents and The Langs are reburied in the Smallville Cemetery.

Wait! She's not mad at him? Look out, Superman! This is the part of the movie with the twist scary ending where the creature isn't dead at all! Lana is still the monster! She's still the monster!

Superman flies everybody home at the end. It looks like he's recovered a bunch of creatures from his menagerie that had disappeared at the end of Doomed. And Lana is just Lana! The big twist super scary ending doesn't happen until the last panel when we get a shot of the Smallville cemetery where a tentacle peeks out from behind Jonathan Kent's grave!

Action Comics #39 Rating: No change. So are the people of Smallville psychic now thanks to the Brainiac coma? They never lost the power in the story. And if they're psychic, aren't all the people of Metropolis psychic as well? A lot of them fell into Brainiac comas too! Come to think of it, nearly the whole world fell into Brainiac comas! Maybe only the residents of Smallville turned psychic because they were the first to turn and spent the longest time comatose. Hopefully next year, we'll get a Smallville comic where the whole town is going crazy and in an uproar because all the usual small town gossip is known instantly by everyone. Shotguns are going to come into play!

Also, I think I was close enough on my predictions so I probably don't have to eat any underwear, right?