Sunday, January 29, 2017

Trinity #4

This cover is perilously close to an upskirt. It would explain Wonder Woman's stance.

It's time for Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream where she learns the true power of the uterus! Unless she learns the true weakness of the prostate. Man that thing is weak. It's basically the part of the machine that would have had a factory recall if God fucking gave a shit after Day Six. I mean, God did give a shit after Day Six in that "I'm going to punish the fuck out of these things I've created" kind of way. But it's odd that God never went back to do an edit of Their original work. It's as if God thought They were too perfect to have made any mistakes. That doesn't sound like a perfect God at all! A perfect God would have double-checked Their work a number of times before declaring it was finished.

Although, if you think about Genesis for even half a second more than most Christians who are expressly told what to think about it (which is, coincidentally, exactly half a second), you have an example of God actually having a second go at creating something. First God creates humans and tells them to go forth and multiply. That's all of us non-Jewish heathen monsters (don't believe everybody was killed in Noah's flood! He wasn't the only fucking boat builder in the ancient world)! But then God was all, "You know what? I can make mankind better!" That's when God made Adam and Eve. Notice God didn't tell them to go forth and multiply. God practically told them exactly the opposite! God was all, "Don't learn about fucking, you dum-dums." And they were all, "What's fucking?" And God was all, "That tree wearing all black and smoking over in the corner can tell you. Don't hang out with that tree. Bad influence, that." So, really, the Jewish people are Humans 2.0. They were made from the Earth itself so it's like they're organic humans. All the other humans are like plastic containers.

I don't know how I got from Wonder Woman to gentiles are plastic containers. All I know is that I can't discuss our government trying to burn this country to the ground on this blog anymore. It's fucking killing me (not literally like it's going to be fucking killing minorities, first by not letting refugees into the country, second, possibly, by the government's own hands) but my brain can't be in that space all the time. I have the luxury for it not to be and maybe all this blog can be is be a momentary distraction or a brief respite from the monstrous decisions our "representatives" are making. Also from the idiots who seemingly have no problem with it like this person from my Twitter feed who is only on my Twitter feed because he's a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse: "If Trump was the fascist dictator some claim, he wouldn't build a wall, he would just invade or annex Mexico". So that seems to be the ground where Trump Defenders are making their stand. "I can't argue logically or rationally about the horrible actions of his first week, so let's get into the semantics of the term 'fascist dictator.'" Go fuck yourself.

Okay, back to the comic books and stupid jokes now. If I feel the need to point out that we civilians will pay the price of our government's actions when the rest of the world has to bomb the shit out of us because we're endangering the world with our terrible anti-everybody-else stance backed by a shit-megaton of nukes, I'll be doing it over on Twitter.

I don't think Diana knows how dreams work.

Dreams have a point of view. And as the protagonist of the dream (whether you're you or somebody else), you are in control of your thoughts and actions. They might not be the same actions you would choose while awake, or they may be stranger thoughts than you're used to having but they all come from your point of view as the protagonist of the dream. What you generally aren't "in control of" is the plot or the locale or the non-player characters. A dream doesn't have to be lucid for the person to be in control of their "character." Lucid just means you're aware that you're dreaming and can then take advantage of dream rules while ignoring the props and backdrop your subconscious has laid out before you. I frequently have sexual dreams where the person I'm about to get intimate with is not the Non-Certified Spouse. Sometimes in the dream, I'll be all, "I can't be doing this! I'm Non-Certifiably Married!" and it ruins the dream. Other times, I think, "Oh wait! This is just a dream! Up periscope, baby!" And sometimes, I'll just not know about my real-life relationships and I'll fuck the vampire until the sun reaches the vampire's head and we climax in a burst of flames!

Shut up. You have weird sex dreams too! Probably!

For some reason, this reminds me of my first sexual experience.

Superman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father live. Batman's Black Mercy dream was to see his father die. And now Wonder Woman's Black Mercy dream is to find out the truth about her home and where she came from and whether or not the Amazons really did rape pirates. Probably not since Greg Rucka is in charge of the Amazon's past now. That guy isn't as keen on rape as Azzarello and Wolfman. I don't actually think Azzarello is keen on rape. Notice I didn't qualify what I think about Wolfman's views.

The Trinity wind up on Themyscira where they're confronted by Amazons.

So it's kind of like some dialect you have heard before? Thanks for the non-information, Batjerk.

Dream Diana saves Real Diana from the Amazons and the Amazons are all, "Fucking kids. You think you're so wise by stopping bloodshed! Pshaw! You'll soon learn!" Then Diana grows up and learns to kill because adults are just tired of dealing with shit. The end.

That wasn't the end of the comic book! That was the end of my side story about growing up! This story continues in the real world where Lois Lane didn't not hit Poison Ivy and her son with the truck when she crashed into the barn. Remember how last issue ended and I was all, "It’s just luck that she doesn’t run them over." Well, um....

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sort of. I mean, well, you know. I totally thought this is what should have happened!

So now Poison Ivy is probably crippled for life thanks to Lois's reckless driving through barn walls. I wanted to spell reckless as "wreckless" because that just seems more correct. I hope Lois remembers to get Poison Ivy to a hospital after this. I'm sure she has internal injuries and a possible skull fracture. Jon is fine though because Poison Ivy pushed him out of the way. She's a hero! A hero in a permanently vegetative state. That's a plant pun! I think!

Poison Ivy takes a hit from a car as well as I do because she's immediately up and punching Lois Lane in the kisser. I didn't punch the woman who hit me with her car but I did jump immediately back up and stand in front of her car so she didn't take off. Jerko hit-and-run monsters! Portland is full of them.

Back on Dream Themyscira, Queen Hippolyta proposes a challenge for the Super Friends. They must prove themselves in the arena! I don't know what they're trying to prove. That they have a right to be on the island? Because if that's what they're trying to prove, Superman and Batman will fail the Penis Challenge.

Luckily for Batman and Superman, the Penis Challenge doesn't take place. I suppose it's not needed since their costumes leave nothing to the imagination anyway. My guess is Batman is circumcised and Superman had multiple attempted circumcisions which ended up in the Kents having to bury another mohel in the field so he doesn't spread word about their uncuttable superbaby.

Wonder Woman is allowed to stay on the island but the men must go to the Dark Quarters. Hippolyta doesn't even ask them if they're men. She just sees the penises through the tight suits and assumes they're men. How ancient way of thinking of them!

Anyway, Wonder Woman chooses to go with her male allies into the Dark Quarters. That's like her dream subconscious where she'll discover the thing she needs to discover thanks to the Black Mercies. Young Dream Diana also manages to go with them, against the wishes of her mother.

The Super Friends make their way deeper into their subconscious worlds where they're attacked by something that is longer than it is wide. It's a sea serpent, you Freudian pervert!

The Super Friends are swallowed by the sea serpent and taken even deeper! Now they're in the sub-subconscious! It's full of lots and lots of things that are longer than they are wide!

Technically this is Diana's sub-subconscious. Apparently all she thinks about are penises. That's what happens when you're raised in a culture that bans them!

As you can see from the scan above, Batjerk has more thoughts on the dialect. But I guess those will have to wait.

Diana spends the next two pages chopping up the longer than they are wide things. I squirm unpleasantly while reading it.

When Diana hacks her way out of the sea serpent, she finds herself face-to-face with Mongul! What a shock! To nobody who reads comic books. I suppose it was a shock to the fake geek girls and the totally real geek boys who just happen to not know about Mongul's connection to the Black Mercies (which is totally understandable). The real surprise twist ending is that Mongul's daughter has come up with this plan. His daughter!? Mongul has a daughter!

I hope this revelation that Mongul has a daughter is brand new so that I don't look like one of those totally real geek boys who just happens to have a blindspot in my geek knowledge (which is totally forgivable). I suppose Mongul is still in the Phantom Zone so he had to have his daughter's help from the outside. Unless Mongul got out since Warworld got out. I have no idea what is going on anymore! Fucking Rebirth! It's like continuity is whatever anybody wants it to be! As if some naked blue nuclear man were altering reality in whatever way pleases him the most.

The Ranking!
+1! Mostly because I love me some Emanuela Lupacchino art!

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