Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Cyborg #4


Interesting how Batman never gets torn to pieces the way characters like Cyborg, Robotman, and Red Tornado constantly do.

If you're supporting the American political party who thinks the problem in Washington, DC, is too much ethical oversight from independent sources, you might want to reconsider the things you've been lead to believe. I challenge any Republican to drop all of their usual news sources and simply get by for a week or two reading headlines from the Washington Post. Just the headlines! Then interpret that shit on your own, with your own values and beliefs, without any right-wing talking heads telling you how that shit doesn't actually mean the thing you just read. Previously, you'd have never read that headline anyway which made it even easier for the Fox News barfmonsters to convince you of their reality. People on the left are always being accused of being manipulated by the lamestream media but I guarantee a good percentage of liberal people don't even fucking care about the news. And yet every right wing anger bat who flutters into the face of anybody who espouses a liberal view to begin shrieking, "But what about Hillary! What about Hillary! What about Hillary!", slavishly sucks at the teat of Fox News and the snorefestival of right-wing radio hosts so much so that they all parrot the exact same responses.

At the very least, letting go of right-wing media outlets will ensure you'll be more entertained. Talk about unfunny! Even if I believed the things Rush or that square-headed guy on Fox said, I couldn't listen to them because they have a terrible sense of humor. Oh, Hannity! That's the square-headed guy! It's not surprising that they're not funny though because you need to be smart to be funny. And one thing right-wing talking heads are not is smart. Confident and smug and don't actually give a fuck about anything but their own bank account? Sure! But funny? Fucking hell no. There's this one shrieking harpy that's on early in the mornings after Clyde Lewis's Ground Zero on some right-wing radio station who thinks the height of hilarity is putting on a dumb person voice when she says things she pretends liberals say. At least the station managers understand that nobody wants to hear that shit so they stick her on past midnight.

The segue here is that American Democracy is becoming a nightmare, and in this comic book, Cyborg is currently having one.

Cyborg is battling the Justice League. He realizes it's a dream because they're battling on Mars and Batman isn't choking to death. Also, Wonder Woman's boobs are huge. Like, too huge. So big!

But fighting the Justice League isn't a good enough analogy for what's happening. He needs to come up with something more on the nose.


"I knew I was a complicated guy." What kind of a fucking fool actually says that about himself? Don't search my blog for that statement. I'm sure I've never said anything like it before ever.

Cyborg realizes the Justice League he's been fighting are actually malicious bits of software called Wyrmms. Gross. Cyborg has Wyrmms. Too bad for the Wyrmms, they can't just fuck up his programming. They have to actually fight a representation of Cyborg inside of Cyborg. Is that what Cyborg's firewall looks like? It's just a bunch of tiny Cyborgs?

In STAR Labs, an unconscious Cyborg is tearing the place apart. The only way to help Cyborg is to shut him down so they can remove the Wyrmms while he's inert.


Come on, Semper. You can't just be lobbing them over the plate like this. I'll never feel any satisfaction making a joke out of this!

Cyborg's journey through his mind allows him to recover a bunch of memories which make him feel human again. Apparently he's had his emotions locked away which is why he's felt more like a machine than a human. But he still doesn't find his penis. That's probably why he couldn't bring himself to remember that he and Sarah Charles were once madly in love. He blocked out her face in the memories because until he has a proper human penis instead of an attachment that substitutes for a White Noise Blaster, he isn't the man he knows she needs. What a tragic love affair! At least it's one I won't have to read the end of because I'm done with this comic book. I'm done with all Cyborg comic books forever and ever because not one has ever been interesting. He's a boring character who people have tried to make compelling but they're always doing overdone plots about robots versus humanity, and identity versus programming, and Daddy Issues versus football.

The Ranking!
No change! If I were to write a Cyborg comic book, I'd have him quit the Justice League because he's too often treated like a peripheral to the Justice League Watchtower computer. I'd have him move to Hollywood and go into porn. Then maybe his adventures would be a bit like Blue Devil but less goofy and more super duper sexy. Maybe his first plot would be dealing with both a human virus and a computer virus that work together to wreak havoc on his cybernetic body. I'd call the story "Robo-VD."

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