Monday, January 9, 2017

Batman #11

If you are a regular reader of this blog, I want to congratulate you for being a jenius.

Last issue was wasted. All it did was reprint an old letter from Selina Kyle to Bruce Wayne! I'd mention the story that appeared behind the letter but it was mostly just Batman repeating over and over again that he's going to break Bane's damn back if Bane doesn't do what Batman thinks Bane should do. How many times is Batman going to force me to say this: "Who the fuck do you think you are, Batman?!" Fucking spoiled brat thinks he deserves everything his way. I suppose when you get everything you've ever wanted as a child and your family is rich as fuck and you have a waiter assigned to personally take care of every one of your needs, you must think your parents being killed is the greatest disaster to ever happen to anybody ever in the entire history of the world. So now Batman thinks he deserves everything he wants even more than he did when he was just a spoiled rich little white privileged cunt. What a tosser!

Today I had lunch with my niece who just recently turned eight. Other people were there but since I'm apparently her best friend, my attention is attuned to her the entire time. At one point, she was showing me how her fingers were sticking together because she was eating her pancakes with her hands. Not that she was pointing out the cause and effect. I just did that as part of the story. She just thought it was fascinating as opposed to disgusting that her hands were covered in syrup. I held up my hand pretending that my fingers were stuck together as well and she exclaimed, "They are not! Your fingers are not unique!" I told her, "Oh yeah? One of my fingers is unique!" And she said, "Really? Show me!" And I laughed and laughed and laughed because I couldn't be the one to teach her how to flip somebody off.

That had nothing to do with Batman but it was at the forefront of my brain so there you have it.

Oh! I forgot that I began that first paragraph with the intention of saying how this issue is the one I was looking forward to! We finally get to see Batman's Suicide Squad in action! That's got to be more exciting than a sappy love note from Selina to Bruce. Especially since his team features Punch and Jewlee (I keep wanting to type "Jewelee" but, apparently, Rebirth Jewlee spells her name differently).

Although maybe I'm wrong because this issue begins with a flashback to when Batman caught Catwoman.

You could say, "Good job on killing all of those child murderers. I have one more that could use some killing. You may have heard of him?"

The narrative returns to the present so I can get some of that sweet Batman's Suicide Squad action. But first, a little more sexual tension full of bat boners and cat juices.

Being with a 237 times killer is probably a huge turn-on. I mean in the context of having killed child murderers! Also, having The Ventriloquist watch is probably a turn-off. Probably.

Apparently Wesker, the Ventriloquist, is the key to Batman's entire plan. Remember when ventriloquism was all the rage and everybody was using it in their gothic horror novels? Hmm, you probably don't remember the 18th century and I doubt you've ever read Wieland. But you probably remember how Superman used to solve about eighty percent of his problems with super-ventriloquism! I bet Tom King wrote this entire story thinking, "You know what hasn't been a key plot point in comic books in a long time? Ventriloquism! Get to work, brain! Don't distract brain, penis!"

Wieland also featured spontaneous combustion way before Dickens thought he was cool using it in Bleak House. Dickens was such a hipster dildo!

While Catwoman and Wesker sneak in under the prison and head toward Psycho Pirate's cell, Punch, Jewlee, and Bronze Tiger march right up to the front door. Bronze Tiger has the hardest job of them all: having to listen to Punch and Jewlee practically fuck each other in front of them with their cutesy banter.

Bane sends a guard to let them in for some reason. I guess Bronze Tiger applied for a visa to visit Santa Prisca.

Catwoman and the Ventriloquist have a little Breakfast Club moment as they crawl around under the prison headed to Cell Block D. Is this entire story just a rewrite of The Breakfast Club? Five strangers (Punch and Jewlee are technically one person) stuck in detention together facing off against a raging bull running the place with constant narrative shifts in power as the day progresses? Wesker is the nerd. Punch and Jewlee are the basketcase. Bronze Tiger is the athlete. Catwoman is the criminal. And Batman is the princess. It totally works.

Must Bane always conduct business from his toilet of skulls?

Catwoman decides to screw up Batman's plan (unless Batman's plan was for Catwoman to screw up his plan! But I don't think so because Batman allowed his penis to distract his brain). So instead of rescuing Psycho Pirate while Bronze Tiger distracts Bane, she drops into Bane's "throne" room to reveal the entirety of Batman's plan. Which, basically, amounts to Batman breaking Bane's back for revengesies. Oh, and also getting Psycho Pirate to help Gotham Girl. Although that's beginning to sound a bit like Bush's WMD excuse for invading Iraq which he just wanted to do anyway. You know, for revengesies!

Catwoman slices Punch and Jewlee's throats and steps on Bronze Tiger's face. If Punch and Jewlee really die (which, I can't see why they shouldn't, being the perfect kind of D-list villain fodder for Batman's Suicide Squad which the actual Suicide Squad never remembers to put on their team) it means Batman's Suicide Squad has been more aptly named than any of Amanda's since The New 52 began. Catwoman offers Bane knowledge on how to break the bat if he'll give her a plane and money and help her disappear. That could also be part of Batman's plan because he really wants her to be free. But I don't think killing Punch and Jewlee would be part of his plan. Even though Catwoman actually kills them, I'm fairly certain that planning somebody's murder is one of the few rules Batman would follow in his Here Are The Various Reasons Why That Person's Death Was Not On Me Rulebook.

The Ranking!
+1! Fine. Here's my confession: I actually like this more violent, desperate Catwoman. It's way more catlike than the whole steals but doesn't kill thing! Cats are fucking murdering monsters! It's part of the reason I love them so much.

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