Thursday, January 12, 2017

Aquaman #10

I think a jellyfish is stuck to her mouth.

Somebody named stickyshemale just began following my Tumblr account. I used to block porn accounts whenever I noticed them following me but then I had to think, "What if they're just really intelligent comic book fans who appreciate the hidden depths of my dick jokes?" And then I had to stop blocking them because I would hate it if I couldn't read the things that I wrote.

Mera is still putting up with the old lady tradition nonsense where they have to make sure she's fit to be the queen and also make sure she's a virgin, probably. Part of the tradition is to read her future to find out what kind of queen she'll be. It seems like maybe that's the only part that would matter! If they can really tell the future then what else does Mera have to learn? Just look at the seaweed leaves, makes sure the world isn't destroyed when Mera becomes queen, and then let her marry Arthur. So they look at her future and there's a hitch that makes it seem like maybe she shouldn't marry Arthur.

This story is called "Future Tide". Judging by this image and these Narration Boxes, I think I know what "tide" Abnett is talking about.

Apparently if Arthur marries Mera, he'll die and she'll go crazy and the world will end in something called The Deluge. I guess that's just the Atlantean equivalent of a Trump Presidency. I mean an apocalypse.

Mera is offended that the Widowhood think she's going to bring about the end of the world. She's all, "How can I be the bringer of destruction? Look at these fantastic tits! How could these cause any harm?!" I would also mention the full and tight ass. It's definitely not destroying anything in my pants. In fact, it's creating something!

The Widowhood decide that, based on the vision, maybe Mera isn't a good match for Arthur. That's dumb! Don't they know that prophecy always plays people for fools?! Obviously the prophecy means that because of the prophecy, the Widowhood do not allow Mera to marry Arthur, therefore he marries somebody who will wind up destroying the world. That's like Prophecy 101: Intro to Self-fulfilling Prophecies.

When she's told she can't marry Arthur, Mera wishes she were a land dweller so she could stomp her foot. Instead she has to be content with letting out a few bubbles of shock as she stares agape into her suddenly depressing and loveless future. It's also probably the future that will bring the Deluge, stupid prophets!

Mera decides to go hang out at the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Aquadog, a carton of Oreos, and a gallon of Earl Grey tea.

Why does she have to wring out her hair? Can't she just use her powers to remove the water?

The Prophet had a little more prophecy than the vision of the world drowning in menstrual blood. It said something about the name of the enemy being hidden in the lighthouse that howls, or something. So as Mera walks up to the lighthouse and hears Aquadog howling, she begins to feel the prophecy really did focus on her. But nobody cared about the Prophet's addendum! It was too abstruse. But I'm sure Mera will figure it out. I just hope she figures it out in this issue because I didn't buy Issue #11.

Mera finds a note from Stubbs, some woman she met in a previous story arc. She wants to meet with her so she can tell her about NEMO. Hey! They're Aquaman's real enemy! I just figured it out! Black Manta is going to disguise himself as a woman so he can marry Arthur and destroy the world! Boom. Now I don't have to worry about this story ending this issue because I guess what's going to happen. Even if I'm wrong, I'll never know because I'm not reading the next issue. And nobody reading this would be dickbag enough to destroy my delusion!

During the meeting, some NEMO operative named Broadsides tries to assassinate Mera and Stubbs. But he fails because he's terrible. Although he does get away. Afterward, Mera learns that Aquaman nearly died battling The Shaggy Man because she was off being tested to make sure she didn't pass on any sexually transmitted diseases on her wedding night with Aquaman.

The Ranking!
No change. I haven't really been interested in Aquaman since Issue #1 of The New 52 so it's off the pull list. It'll be hard to adjust to a comic book reading life of not making fun of Aquaman and sexually harassing fictional character Mera with my sexy words. I sort of hope the only Aquaman comics I ever read again are the ones by Peter David in the nineties. Mostly because I have those and I'll be rereading them at some point so I'd like to pretend that I want to.

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