Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #3

Have you ever had one of those not so fresh feelings?

I once said about starting feuds with comic book writers and artists that I don't partake in that kind of immature shit. I'll write my reviews and link to them on Twitter (sometimes? I usually forget it's a thing) but I never engage them directly to point out their flaws. Sometimes I'll praise somebody over Twitter and, as Gail Simone pointed out once, possibly tagging them in my blogposts is a form of trolling. I hadn't thought about it that way when I first began this blog; I just tagged everything so I could easily reference who wrote what previously, or what colorist worked on...oh, who am I kidding? I don't give a shit about colorists! Anyway, that's all changed now that we have a sentient pile of garbage in the White House who sends GrĂ­ma Wormtongue out every day to lie the American people. If Cullen Bunn really wants to see me at my most "pathetic, scummy, and desperate," he should watch me in action as I tweet insults at Trump and Spicer on a daily basis. I'm just trying to speak their language!

Just a reminder that this happened! I made it, Ma! I truly made it!

So Cave Carson is now an outlaw in both the literal sense of the word and the other sense of the word. Unless there's just one sense to the word. I mean, he's an outlaw because he stole a ship. But he's also an outlaw because he's cool and has a beard. So that's like two senses, right? But the sense that matters is the one where he committed a crime. He's stolen the Drill Machine from EBX and kept them from taking his daughter (which makes him the best kind of hero: the anti-capitalist anti-outlaw hero outlaw!). Now he's off to help save the Muldroogoons (I hope that's what they're called because I can't be bothered to look up how to spell their nationality. I think it's okay to not care because they're fictional) before EBX can take their oil or their unobtainium or whatever. Actually, I think I could have just said unobtainium but that would just seem like I was referencing Avatar and without the "oil" part, you couldn't tell I was also criticizing America.

Before I forget, I need to remind myself that this entire series is a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotence.

See? This makes total sense now, right?

That's my favorite thing to yell before I have sex! "Strap on! I'm going under! Is this where I should be? Have I lost my virginity yet? Oops!"

Oh! The Drill Machine is called The Mighty Mole. No wait. Is that Cave's penis? I guess it's both! Metaphor!

This issue is called "Deep Issues" because impotence isn't just surface deep. I mean, the main part of it is on the surface. You know the floppy part I mean! But that part is usually due to something psychological. And that means digging down to the root of the problem! You've got to spelunk until you can spunk again!

Cave and his crew burrow into the earth to try to evade the monster. They wind up in a cave with crystals that make worms grow larger. I have a feeling some of you have been rolling your eyes and making jerking off motions with your hands every time I mentioned how this book was a metaphor for impotence.

Now, I don't think you need to apologize since the proof that I was correct just keeps growing and growing (like the worms deep in Cave's subconscious which he imagines can grow big. Because that's what he most wants. See?). But you should probably allow yourself to admit that I might be the greatest comic book reader of all time.

After Cave Carson's big worms solve all of his problems, the team dig deeper into Cave's issues. We have seen explicitly what will solve his problem. But we still don't know what caused it and how Cave can get to a place where his worm can grow big again.

Meanwhile, Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail is organizing the EBX Team to chase down Cave Carson and not to kill him at all. In the old days, the crew would be a white guy with blonde hair, a white guy with brown hair, a black guy, a woman with blonde hair, an overly energetic kid, and an animal of some kind. But this is the modern era where representation matters! I mean, it mattered back then but only if you were white or the one black guy living in a white neighborhood. Now the team is a white guy with blond hair, a white guy with brown hair, a black guy, a brown woman, an Asian guy, and two majorly fucking hot twins. I mean I can't tell their race due to the red light and because Ace doesn't call them by name. I can't really tell the race of the brown lady either but her name is Marquez and I think only latinxes have last names with both Qs and Zs in them.

While taking a break deep underground at one of the Cave Carson Caches of emergency equipment, Cave hallucinates his dead wife and decides to have a visually symbolic moment.

Those crystals look like a bouquet of boners.

Here we see that if he could just get his wife back, his impotence would be cured. But that's impossible, right? There's no way she's still alive somewhere underground. Right?

Team Carson heads for Muldroog to discover that just about everybody in the city has been slaughtered. Next month is another mystery to discover.

There's also a back-up story that's the true secret origin of Green Arrow and it is my favorite Green Arrow comic of all time.

What Did I Learn?
I learned that impotence is a difficult thing to get past. Not that I've ever had to get past it! And even if I did, it's nothing to be ashamed of! It just means you suck at pleasing women. Ha ha! Loser!

The Ranking!

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