Wednesday, January 4, 2017

The Flintstones #6

It's the end of the world!

Not surprisingly, this issue with is called "The End of the World as We Know It". Surprisingly, I resisted adding the "as we know it" to my caption for the cover! More surprisingly, Mark Russell chose to do the thing every hack writer would have chosen to do by using that name. That's okay. I'd feel like I'd be in a better condition to judge if I wasn't sitting here feeling really horny for the fictional Betty Rubble.

Before we get to the part of the story where civilization breaks down at the thought of impending doom and everybody becomes savage barbarians bent on survival even if they have to eat their neighbor to accomplish it, let's take a look at how the experiment of civilization is coming along in Bedrock!

Yay! Civilization! I'll stay right here! Did I quote that song correctly?

Later, the bowling ball and the vacuum cleaner have a philosophical discussion about the meaning of life. Surprisngly, the vacuum cleaner doesn't come to the conclusion that life sucks. Unsurprisingly, I just did that tired old joke! The bowling ball, on the other hand, gives life a 9 out of 10. Brozingo!

Each comic book in this series is less like a coherent story and more like a bunch of sketches that revolve around a theme. Sometimes the book can be a bit more story-like than others, like last issue which was half Bamm-Bamm's origin story. I only mention it so that you'll stop wondering why every single one of my paragraphs begins with "Meanwhile" or "Later" or "Back in the Rubbles' bedroom." Because meanwhile, Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm are recruited by Professor Sargon (he's a satirical take on that computer Chess game from the Eighties, Sargon) to become interns at the Science Cave. They've recently gotten a grant to study the sex lives of moths. That's probably totally appropriate for high school kids because who knows more about terrible sex than they do? I suppose I'm being judgmental. For all I know, moths have great sex.

While Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm are doing unpaid work for Professor Sargon who takes an extra long lunch, the moths escape. That's probably a plot point and it'll probably be bad news for somebody! Maybe that's how the world ends? Not in fire or ice but moths.

I'm only scanning this for the Non-Certified Spouse. She has a moth phobia.

The moths begin to fuck which seems about on par with the filth The Flintstones used to air on television. While the moths fuck, Professor Sargon runs a astronomical projection program on his Applecus to discover that an asteroid is on course to strike the Earth!

Everybody panics in different ways. Bamm-Bamm declares he won't be going to school in the interim. Professor Sargon watches moths fuck. Fred, Wilma, and Pebbles attend service at the Church of Gerald.

I wonder how many pedophile priests have used the preach-around joke?

The Flintstones abandon the church when everything breaks out into chaos. Because the only thing keeping people civilized is the thinnest of social contracts. Most of us agree to not be a dick when we go out in public because we don't want to be the victim of dickitude ourselves. But once a small percentage of people decide to break that contract, we're all fucked. At that point, it's beat the shit out of the next guy with a club before he beats the shit out of you! Our social contract for peace rests solely on our selfish desire to not have to deal with other people's shit.

Bedrock is being destroyed by the panicked populace. Pebbles decides that Professor Sargon should recant his observation simply to calm everybody down. Let them die in three days instead of killing each other immediately. Professor Sargon refuses to be a part of a beautiful lie because he adheres to the ugly truth no matter what may come. It's at that moment he discovers the fucking moths messed up his calculations. See? They were a plot point!

I think this story means Mark Russell is a climate change denier. That's totally what he's saying here, right? Science can fuck up so we should never believe it! I mean, climate change? Really?! Show me one other planet that has ever become completely inhospitable to life due to an abundance of greenhouse gases! You can't, can you?! And if you can, I just won't believe it matters because if you said Venus, I say, "Pshaw!" Name a different one because I just won't accept that one.

The news reporter goes back on air to tell everybody that they aren't going to die. He goes on to say, "I hope we can all just go back to pretending we're good people, life being a series of mutually agreed-upon delusions designed to keep us from becoming ongoing accumulations of regret." That's so well said, I'm going to pretend I wrote it. I wrote that bit. Forget how I said the character in the comic book said it. It was totally me.

The Ranking!
No change because it's as high in the rankings as it's going to get until I decide I, ultimately, like it better than The Sheriff of Babylon. Maybe when The Flintstones reaches Issue #13, I'll give it the first spot. Until then, just know this is the most enjoyable monthly comic book I'm currently reading.

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