Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Batman #13

Bane looks like he just popped a boner and he's worried Batman's going to feel it.

Since DC has been putting the name of the story arc at the top of each comic book, I should just leave the comics in the stack until I've got a full arc to read. It makes it so much easier to follow the action. And to remember what Catwoman said in her letter while reading Batman's letter instead of reading Batman's letter a month later and thinking, "Didn't I just read a Batman comic book with a letter in it? Was that this story?" Being old is like an adventure in a haunted wood! You can't remember which way you came or where you're going or if you pissed yourself. Also there are ghosts or something. I just realized I needed to make the 'haunted' part make sense.

Batman has finally entered Bane's water closet to confront him. All the pieces of Batman's plan are in place so it's time to set it in action and break Bane's back. Not that Batman necessarily needs to get that violent but he did tell Bane he would break Bane's back if Bane didn't give up Psycho Pirate. And I didn't watch eight seasons of Super Nanny without learning that you must enforce punishments.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller has taken this opportunity to sneak into the Batcave and steal a bunch of Batman's files. Batman mentioned this in the Justice League vs. Suicide Squad as part of his reasons why Amanda Waller is so terrible and corrupt. Surprisingly, Alfred doesn't shoot Amanda in the face with his shotgun. That seems like a mistake. She's more definitely more dangerous than The Joker.

I probably shouldn't be aroused right now.

Bane begins to beat the shit out of Batman while also psychoanalyzing Batman. Doesn't Batman get tired of people thinking they know him so deeply? The Joker. Hugo Strange. Bane. Alfred Pennyworth. It has to be tiresome. While Batman lets Bane beat him up, The Ventriloquist waits for his moment. Bronze Tiger shoots up with venom. Punch and Jewlee pretend to be incinerated in the Crematorium. And Catwoman masturbates furiously as she watches a naked Bane suplexes Batman. That could be me just projecting. Catwoman might just be watching casually.

Bane decides to help Batman relieve his suicidal thoughts by sharing his Xanax with him. His Xanax goes by the name Roger Hayden aka Psycho Pirate. I've decided to no longer care if it's Psycho-Pirate or Psycho Pirate. I'm just going to choose to go dash free.

So who is The Ventriloquist going to pretend to be when he finally starts talking? Since this is DC, it would make sense that he'd be Bane's Daddy. But since Bane's Daddy was like the evil cum of a million murdering psychopaths or something, he'll probably do Bane's Mother. I probably could have phrased that better.

But just before that happens (it must happen soon because these comic books are only twenty pages!), Bane has a tender moment with Batman. It's not the tender moment I was expecting that usually ends with somebody spitting into the sink and grabbing the mouthwash, but it's still a tender moment.

Which Batman totally kills! Jerko!

"I want to break your damn back" is apparently the code for everybody on Batman's Suicide Squad to get moving. It's not as efficient or alienating as "I will blow the fucking bomb in your head, you miserable pieces of shit!" but it works well in its own way. Bronze Tiger rips a grate from the floor (either for escape or for Punch and Jewlee to return). The Ventriloquist does some vocal exercises. Punch and Jewlee discuss having children (which is way tamer than what I thought they would be doing on their way to incineration). And Catwoman stands up and says, "Bat?" Oh yeah! That seems pretty vital to the plan. Good job, Selina!

Bronze Tiger fetches The Ventriloquist while Punch and Jewlee cover themselves in fireproof bubble gum and escape the prison via the incinerator outflow system. And then Batman gives Catwoman permission to break Bane's damn back. Which she totally does and Batman comes in his pants. Probably. No, not probably. Almost certainly.

And Wesker's role is finally revealed.

I really wish Batman had let him bring his doll.

I know The Ventriloquist has usually been portrayed as having some kind of dissociative personality disorder but he really fits being way out on the autism spectrum, right?

Before leaving through the hole in the wall Catwoman blows with the explosives in the handle of her whip where Punch and Jewlee wait for them in a bubble gum boat, Batman decides to make sure that Bane comes looking for him later.

Batman's just fucking taunting him now!

Batman rewards his Suicide Squad in not much the same way Amanda never rewards hers. The Ventriloquist will be sent to a place where he can get compassionate care. Punch and Jewlee will go back to Arkham but with a monthly fuck pass. And Catwoman gets a kiss. And maybe more. I think her reward comes next issue.

There's an epilogue where Bane cries out for Venom. So, you know, he's going to be a huge problem later. I hope he also calls out for his suit next because I've seen enough of Bane's ass.

The Ranking!
+1! I should apologize to the Suicide Squad for suggesting a few issues ago that Batman's Suicide Squad was better at getting its members killed than the real one. I just wanted to denigrate Amanda's Squad and remind people how nobody ever dies on it and it really doesn't deserve the Suicide moniker. I knew at the time Catwoman didn't really kill Punch and Jewlee! I know, I know! I sound like an Internet nerd backpedaling on things they've previously said. But I pointed out right from the start that Catwoman was, in no way, going to wind up being an actual murderer. Batman also doesn't think she is and he's the World's Greatest Detective. I will stake my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader reputation on it, just like I staked it on Harvest being a vampiric Red Robin returned from the 30th Century to do the Teen Titans right by starting NOWHERE. And you all know how that turned out! I was right about it, right? Pretty sure I was.

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