Thursday, January 26, 2017

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #6

I didn't know Killer Frost could shoot ice sludge out of her vagina.

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists are obviously not Iron Maiden fans or they would have cranked that Doomsday Clock up by another thirty seconds.

Yesterday I won an Internet argument. Not that I was having an argument with anybody! But I saw some guy named Shawn Overton on an Omaha World Herald post writing dumb, illogical things. He then mocked everybody who countered his dumb, illogical things with rational things by sarcastically calling their replies brilliant. Using my philosophy of never trying to reason with idiots who can't be reasoned with and just approaching these situations with joyful whimsy, I responded, "I have a brilliant response for Shemp Overdone: You are the big dum-dum!" He preceded to delete his original comment and go home. I'm pretty sure that's a win! Plus, it's what I'm doing daily to Trump and Spicer. They're probably more used it and have aides receiving these daily insults and jabs so it might take longer for them to get frustrated and just go home. But if more people were to join me in joyfully and whimsically insulting the president and his press secretary on a daily basis, I can't imagine that they'll have the gumption to keep it up for four years.

Here's my latest tweet to Donald Trump: "@POTUS @realDonaldTrump You're like the saddest children's book. You just want to be loved but you're the most hated president ever!"

It's difficult being a revolutionary revolutionary!

At the end of the last issue, Max Lord finally turned into Eclipso. Oh man. Remember Eclipso: The Darkness Within from 1992? I suppose a lot of you weren't born yet. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. Eclipso eclipsed a whole bunch of superheroes before they finally hit upon the idea of using mirrors or something to shine the light of the sun on his headquarters located on the dark side of the moon. Except, you know, the "dark side of the moon" is just a thing we say to describe the side of the moon that you never see from Earth. It's fully bathed in sunlight every thirty days or so! I suppose the DC heroes didn't have that long to wait so they had to come up with the mirror thing.

Eclipso begins this issue with a riddle: "Have you ever wondered why the darkness always returned?" Oh! Oh! I can answer that riddle! "No."

Eclipso goes on to explain the answer anyway. He says, "Because it never leaves." That's so fucking profound! Yeah, yeah! I never thought of it that way. The darkness is always all around me! It hasn't been driven away by light at all. It's just remaining dormant, waiting for the light to be switched off! And then boom! It's back with a vengeance! But I think Eclipso is being more figurative than that. He's just trying to point out that we all have evil inside of us and when we're eclipsed by his power, we don't become evil because of Eclipso. We act on the evil impulses already there which we normally control because we don't want to embarrass our mothers.

Eclipso remembers his shitty crossover event!

And then Batman's Suicide Squad rescues the Justice League and they save the world from Eclipso! Probably. It's not like I need to know every detail of this story since it's the last issue. These blog entries are just a way for me to remember each comic from month to month so I'm not thoroughly confused by every new issue. I suppose the other important thing that will happen by the end of it is that Batman will quit the Justice League (again!) to form the Justice League of America and he'll offer Lobo and Killer Frost jobs on his team. Then everybody will think, "Wait a second! How can Batman afford Lobo, the most expensive hitman in the entire universe?! He would need Bruce Wayne money for...OHO!"

Deadshot really dug deep for this insult!

Apparently one of Deadshot's deepest, darkest evil thoughts is that he'd like to kill his daughter so he'll never feel guilty about killing again. I could go two ways on this one with my comments. I could choose to be a childish asshole and discuss how Joshua Williamson is an idiot if he thinks this is good characterization and that Deadshot would ever harbor that evil thought. Or I could be magnanimous and believe what is probably the truth anyway because it's less entertaining to write about: Eclipso is just a lying douchebag trying to convince himself that he isn't forcing people to be evil when he actually is. It allows him to see himself as a heroic god giving people the freedom to engage in their deepest desires rather than a manipulative bastard who just wants to see the world go dark.

Deadshot becomes eclipsed and declares he's going to kill everyone. Oh no! Even the other eclipsed people?! And Eclipso?! He might just save the world!

Batman eventually comes to the same conclusion I did last issue.

So the delivery systems are different. He wants Superman to look at Eclipso while I wanted Superman to pee on him.

Eventually it's down to just Batman, Amanda Waller, Killer Frost, and Lobo. Eclipso is terrible at triage. He concentrated on eclipsing all the wrong people! You definitely have to get Batman first. Or at least get one of the others to kill him. If Eclipso really makes people's deepest, darkest thoughts rise to the surface, I imagine every member of the Justice League would have killed Batman immediately, the pretentious twat.

Batman and Killer Frost get their prism plan underway while Lobo beats the shit out of everybody else. Luckily everybody else complies and only goes after Lobo. Just Superman goes after Batman and Killer Frost. What a stroke of luck!

Batman is faster than Superman's heat vision. Although, I suppose, I've dodge Roadhog's hook on Overwatch enough to realize you begin the dodge before Roadhog even knows he's about to throw the hook. Same principle!

The plan works to free the heroes and villains from Eclipso's control. Judging by the FWASH sound effect, Supergirl could have done this without Killer Frost's help. That's an old joke that only one person reading this blog will understand.

Eclipso counters with a FWSSH sound effect which is probably something totally disgusting. I think it amounts to Eclipso spraying his darkness juice via a pose. But it's too late! Killer Frost has gotten a taste for justice and she turns the tables on Eclipso. He's bathed in sunlight and reverts to Max Lord as the black diamond explodes. I think. I'm sure it exploded so that little black diamonds can litter the Earth causing small Eclipso attackes every few months.

The world has been saved and all that is left is for the Suicide Squad and the Justice League to participate in a denouement.

Oh man. Enchantress and Jessica Cruz are so going to fuck.

Batman admits to Waller that Task Force X can work as long as she stops stealing his files out of the Batcave. Also, she needs to let Killer Frost retire so Batman can use her for his new Outsiders team he's going to call Justice League of America. But we all know it's really The Outsiders. Just look at the lineup!

Lobo decides to give Batman one free job (not that kind of job! (or that kind!)) for freeing him from Max Lord's control. I'm not sure what kind of jobs Lobo thinks Batman has for him. Hide in Damian's closet to scare him straight? But of course Batman already has a job for him. I bet it's to be Killer Frost's life-force battery as a member of the new Outsiders. Although I can't imagine that job qualifies as a freebie since it's ongoing. Lobo's going to need some of that sweet Bruce Wayne cash to keep that job.

Apparently Lobo has to join The Outsiders because he gave his word he'd do a free job for Batman and specified that it didn't matter what the job was. Lobo should be more careful with what he says. Doesn't he know that writers take his "always keeps his word" thing way too seriously?!

In the epilogue, Max Lord points out that this whole thing was engineered by Amanda Waller to get Batman to lay off the Suicide Squad. That totally makes sense since it's basically the plot of the Suicide Squad movie.

The other characters all get to tie up their loose ends too. Emerald Empress decides to start the Fatal Five so she can hunt down Saturn Girl. Johnny Sorrow's mask is still on Earth waiting for a non-white, non-heterosexual, non-male character to put it on. Doctor Polaris is making out with his helmet. Rustam is going after Havana Waller. And, of course, the Black Diamonds are now everywhere.

Then on the final page, Amanda Waller does that reveal thing where the "X" in Task Force X is a number and not a letter. Even though it was a letter just one or two incarnations ago because there were Task Force Ys and Zs or something. It's such a shocking revelation that isn't boring and overused at all!

Previously, there was Task Force A-Y. Now there are just Task Force I-XI plus zero which was the first one but I don't think the Romans have a letter for zero. They should have used an O like we do! Dumb-dumbs!

What Did I Learn?
Amanda Waller is as much a genius as Harvest was. She really knows how to build an overly complicated Rube Goldbergian plot device to take care of fairly simple problems. I'm sure she could have come up with another way to keep Batman off of her back instead of this method that relied on so many unknowable factors that it should never have worked out exactly as she planned. It would have been easier to hire Psimon or J'onn J'onnz to erase Batman's memory of the Suicide Squad. And while they were at it, maybe erase the memory of everybody in the world since they all seem to know about Task Force X and how it's part of the United States government. People knowing about how it works ruins the entire reason for why it works!

The Ranking!
No change!

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