Friday, January 20, 2017

Suicide Squad #9

Lobo's expression makes it seem like DC Comics are far sexier than they really are.

That's how everybody reads pornography, right? With their tongue hanging out while sitting on surfaces that reflect light impossibly? Not that anybody "reads" pornography anymore. And by "'reads' pornography," I mean spend hours searching through the bushes in and around the local junior high school until you stumble upon some kid's hidden stash of magazines with titles that scream "This magazine has never been seen in a shop anywhere in this city so where the fuck did it come from?" My guess is that Girls Who Eat Cum and Vaginas On Mustaches were direct market magazines sold only to adult "book" stores.

This Justice League vs. Suicide Squad tie-in issue is about the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad's first mission. The team consists of Rustam, Emerald Empress, Doctor Polaris, Johnny Sorrow, and Lobo. Call me neuro-atypical but isn't Lobo enough? If you have Lobo, I don't think you need a team. You also don't need to threaten him with a bomb inside of his brain. You just pay him, wash your hands in a bowl of water being held by a Roman nearby, and get on with your life. Easy peasy!

There first mission is to stop a DC Version of North Korea from destroying the world with their new metahuman weapons.

I don't mean to be critical of Lobo's English since he's obviously ESL and who am I, a guy who knows only English, to criticize a person who has made the kind of Herculean effort to learn more languages than the one they learned almost automatically from birth BUT he really doesn't need to both start and end a sentence referencing the person he's speaking to. I will not change that to "to whom he's speaking" because that's an antiquated grammar rule which tries to force English to be more like Latin. So don't correct my English when I'm trying to correct somebody else's, you jerk!

Amanda adds one more member to the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad team: Cyclotron. In a different version of the DC Universe that isn't this one at all, Cyclotron was Nuklon's grandfather. This is before Amanda came up with the brain bombs and thought she could manipulate people by dangling gold-plated carrots in front of them. Cyclotron is probably the "brain bomb" last resort for when she loses control of these maniacs.

The Squad is airdropped into the tiny evil country where they immediately encounter the metahuman threat composed of Growth, Missile, Statue, Wind, and Island.

Bah. No man is an island.

Even though it's an obvious thing to say, I just like the rhythm of that caption responding to the panel.

During the battle, Amanda realizes that the civilian populaces are inextricably linked to their metahuman overlords. When the metahumans die, the civilians die as well. So Amanda decides maybe they should abort the mission before everybody on the island is dead. Amanda Waller of the past is soft!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad defeats the metahumans and the evil emperor. The only part of the mission left is to destroy the machine the country was using to create metahumans. Past Amanda Waller screams at them to destroy it in an emotional display which Present Amanda Waller would never succumb to. Sensing her desperation to destroy this machine, Cyclotron steps forward and proposes a better idea: the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad should use the device to take over the world themselves. For the first and last time, Amanda Waller shits herself.

That last sentence doesn't have the impact it should because I forgot to mention this story is called "The First and Last Mission of Suicide Zero."

Amanda realizes that gold-plated carrots aren't the best thing to dangle from a stick if she wants to keep people other than Lobo or Captain Carrot in check. She makes a mental note to check into the efficacy of brain bombs and then tells Rustam to destroy the machine himself. Lobo also decides he wants to destroy the machine because he's one of the smartest villains in the DC Universe in that he would rather have money than the pain in the ass bullshit that comes with ruling the world. I'm glad he said that (and Rob and Si wrote that) because it's tiresome having all these super-villains who are fighting to simply have more stressful lives. People who want power are fucking damaged idiots with low self-esteem and probably tiny hands and the worst comb-over in the history of comb-overs.

Amanda Waller thinks up a new plan on the spot: double the size of the gold-plated carrot!

I'm beginning to sympathize with Lobo in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. Did Amanda renege on the promise of payment and instead stick him in The Catacombs? I suppose the story isn't over yet but Lobo may be the only member of the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad with an actual beef against Amanda. Oh, and Rustam! But he's a Quraci terrorist so fuck him!

Cyclotron tries to talk his way out of being killed by Lobo. He points out how he was promised his freedom to go on this mission but now Amanda has ordered him killed. How can you trust a lying monster like that?! I mean, ignore the part where Cyclotron decided to derail the mission and stopped doing what he promised to do for his freedom. I don't think that part is important to Cyclotron's argument. I mean, sure, he's right since he was really just part of the mission so Amanda could abort it using his death (probably! I'm still not past the part where Lobo decides to kill Cyclotron! Which means he's also killing Future Nuklon, I guess! Poor baby Nuklon! Although I'm assuming Nuklon is okay since Cyclotron already had his baby girl by the time he got his powers. So good news, Nuklon fans! Nuklon will be around in like fifty years or something.).

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

I suppose everybody here should be pissed that Amanda tried to kill them all with Cyclotron's blast. But all of them except Lobo and Rustam brought it on themselves, really. I hope Lobo gets his double-sized gold-plated carrot at the end of Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I bet he does. That's why he joins the Justice League of America! For the excellent pay and benefits. I mean, he won't actually get the benefits because they're only going to hire him part time. And his pay won't be that great because he's technically unskilled labor and an illegal alien. But the promise of constant violence is a nice perk!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad manage to survive the blast but they were all comatose. So Amanda built a prison for them and locked them away because they were too dangerous to have in the world. Mostly they were too dangerous to her and her future plans. Always best to just bury incriminating evidence way out in a desert. Or so I've heard.

What Did We Learn?
I don't think we learned anything we didn't already know. Lobo will do anything if he's getting paid. Amanda Waller is a monster. Some other characters exist with motivations already mentioned in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. But I do appreciate having this Rebirth origin of the super-villain version of the Suicide Squad, mostly because Lobo is in it. Also, Lobo was written well! Not that it's hard to write Lobo. You just have him refer to himself as the Main Man, say "frag" or "bastiches" once or twice, mention how he always does a job he's been paid for because he's an honorable genocidal maniac who loves violence, and don't have him say "Sorry, not sorry." Easy!

The Ranking!

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