Thursday, January 19, 2017

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #4

This isn't even a challenge! How did these two become nemeses?! Comic books are stupid.

We're at the halfway point which means something important, probably. Like maybe the title is no longer accurate. Now it should read Justice League + Suicide Squad vs. Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad #4. But for some reason, DC Comics thinks the best way to sell product is to stick a "vs." on it. You might notice that I, from the beginnings of this blog, believe the exact opposite. Whenever a comic book title just had two character names on the front, I would add a "loves" between them. Because love trumps vs. Or something.

Have you ever wondered what college would give me a degree in literature?! Well, I'd tell you but they have a court order forcing me to remain silent. Sorry!

I should issue a possible (although highly improbable) correction for last issue. Last issue, I believed the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad were destroying an island nation to recover Eclipso. But since Eclipso never appeared and the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad begin this issue attacking Belle Reve without Eclipso front and center, it's possible (though highly improbable) that I was wrong. They might have just been after a Black Diamond so that they could control Eclipso who was imprisoned in Belle Reve instead of The Catacombs for some reason. I bet that reason is because he's not currently Eclipso. He's just in his Bruce Gordon guise sitting in a dark cell screaming, "What am I doing down here?! And how unimaginative were the writers who created me and decided to name me a portmanteau of two famous Gotham characters?! I probably used portmanteau wrong but I don't care! I've gone crazy from loneliness!" It's also possible Eclipso isn't Bruce Gordon but the other guy whose name I can't remember. Selina Pennyworth or something.

Superman begins the battle by aggravating Lobo.

I would have begun by mentioning the Lobo/Bueno Excellente sex tape.

The next move is Max Lord's. I guess they're taking turns instead of creating a chaotic brawl because while Max Lord uses his mind-control powers on Enchantress, everybody just stands around and watches to see what happens. Maybe they just rolled too low on their initiative checks.

Next, Johnny Truant opens up his face and spills minotaurs all over the floor. I guess that's the sign to turn this into a chaotic brawl. According to the initial brawl splash pages, Aquaman is matched up with Rustam. According to the next bunch of panels under the splash, Rustam simply walks away to kill a bunch of guards and enter the control room where he plans to release all of the prisoners by smashing the computers. I really think these high-tech prisons need to rethink these electronic locks and just go back to using individual keys for every cell. Any time any electrical interference hits the prison, they have a riot on their hands. The only way that would happen with manual locks is if a speedster broke in and stole the keys.

Luckily Katana saw Aquaman completely fuck up and arrives in time to stop Rustam. That seems like an obvious match-up, right? They each have a sword! Too bad Deadshot didn't match up with Rustam. He could have killed Rustam in one panel.

I guess nobody has to worry about Max Lord since he apparently broke his back on the way to the vault.

Killer Frost goes after Max but since Amanda Waller didn't brief everybody on the mission, she's mind-controlled by Max Lord. All Amanda (or Superman!) had to tell everybody was that if they see Max's nose begin to bleed, knock him the fuck out instantly. I should be running the fucking Suicide Squad! And the Justice League!

Lobo chases down Waller, Deadshot, and Batman. That means Lobo has the toughest fight of all the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad members. Emerald Empress is battling Superman and Jessica Cruz.

At least I thought it was Jessica Cruz. It looks like her. But she made that light construct too easily. So it must be somebody else.

I admit, it still could be Jess since I've stopped reading Green Lanterns. Maybe there was an issue where she learned how to make constructs without spending four pages wrestling with her anxiety.

Simon Baz returns to crack the shit out of the Emerald Eye. This causes the Emerald Empress to panic and mention how she needs to find Saturn Girl. Saturn Girl is in Arkham! Everybody knows that! Anyway, Emerald Empress disappears.

Katana defeats Rustam and Wonder Woman defeats Johnny Truant (with a little help from Harley Quinn).

Doctor Polaris defeats lots and lots of heroes at once by manipulating the iron in their blood. Remember when Magneto first did that back in like the seventies or eighties and everybody was all, "WHOOOOOOOOOA! COOOOOOOOOL! HE'S SO POWERFUL!"? Well, that's why Doctor Polaris is on the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad. Because he's just being written as DC's Magneto.

Cyborg defeats Doctor Polaris with like his White Noise Cannon except he pretends it does some magnetic thing this time. He's not fooling anybody! He only has the one attachment!

By "everything," Deadshot, of course, means "bullets. Lots and lots of bullets." Now if he'd throw a few bucks at him and purchase his talents, Deadshot might actually stop him!

Apparently the best way to defeat Lobo is to run away from him. He's fucking slow!

Batman rushes off to find one of Waller's injectable brain bombs that her team just leave lying around the complex, along with the remote to blow the bomb. He comes back, injects Lobo, and blows Lobo's head off. It's okay though because Batman doesn't kill. That means Lobo will be fine. Pissed off but fine.

Waller reveals that Max is after the Eclipso Diamond so they all rush off just in time to be Eclipso'd by Max. Well, the Justice League is, at least. Max decides not to control the Suicide Squad because he has to make some kind of mistake or else he'll rule the entire world! I mean, if his plan is to control the world using the Eclipso Diamond, why not just control everybody he comes into contact with? I guess next issue can once again be called Justice League vs. Suicide Squad since the Justice League are currently evil. One more example of why Superman should go live on Mars and stop allowing villains to use his power to threaten the world.

What Did We Learn?
It's a toss up between power corrupts and power doesn't always corrupt but the incorruptible people with power usually wind up being used by corrupted people so it doesn't really matter anyway.

The Ranking!
No change!

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