Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Batman #14

Batman? More like Fuckman, amirite?!

I wish Batman were alone in that alley so I could have written, "Batman? More like Masterbateman, amirite?!" Okay, fine. It doesn't really work! But I wanted to type it anyway!

I have never wanted children but lately I've been thinking about how nice it would be to have kids. Mostly because I know at a certain age, they'd find Dad's "writing" and maybe enjoy it as much as I do. And by certain age, I mean like 43 or something. This shit ain't for children!

Oh, yeah! By the way, young people reading this. It is inappropriate for you to be reading this because I might reveal that Santa Claus doesn't exist or that you came into this world because your dad put his penis in your mother's vagina, and subsequently disappointed her greatly.

This issue begins with Batman giving Catwoman the good news: she only has life without parole now instead of the death penalty! Hooray! Instead of ending her pain and suffering quickly, Batman has assured that she'll endure it for possibly fifty more years! What a sweetheart!

Catwoman doesn't care about Batman's revelation because she won't stay in prison for long anyhow. Plus, she just wants to bang the fuck out of him right now. The sex scene is on a double page spread so I can only scan part of it:


Before Catwoman will consent to fuck Batman, she demands that she be free for the night. It's not much to ask for somebody who is going to spend the rest of her life in Blackgate prison. Although it smells like a trap! Cats are tricky and sneaky and manipulative and picky! Don't trust her, Batman!

Batman's dick is all, "Trust her, Batman!" Stupid Bat-dick. Always saying the wrong thing.

Gordon is a fucking cockblocking son of a prick.

Batman has been alerted to The Clock King making trouble. But he's not making trouble for Gotham. No, he's got a plan to defeat Batman. I don't get it. Why poke the Batman with your Clock Stick? Criminals should be trying to avoid facing off against Batman. At the very least, by avoiding Batman, they can be assured their health insurance premiums won't be going up next month. But Clock King, being the king of clocks, has figured out how Batman will react to anything he does in the next four hours. Clock King could play chess with Batman and beat him! I know, it seems silly that a guy who is good with clocks somehow, suddenly, has the powers of that guy and his sci-fi science in The Foundation Trilogy. But little does Clock King know that he's already going to face his first Mule: Catwoman!

Nerds will get that reference. Bigger nerds will point out how the reference doesn't really make any sense. Give me a break! I haven't read The Foundation Trilogy in thirty years. THIRTY FUCKING YEARS!

Batman and Catwoman spend the rest of the night punching criminals in the face instead of fucking. Maybe they fuck between all the punching. Maybe every panel which shows the Bat-Signal going off in the sky is a metaphor for one of them having an orgasm. Maybe the punching is also a metaphor for Batman giving it to Catwoman good!

After the punching and Bat-Signals, Catwoman decides it's time for her to get some pleasure.

Oh yeah. These are metaphors alright!

The place Catwoman is breaking into is a place she owns. She steals her own stuffed cat full of diamonds to give to Batman. When she's gone, she won't need them. She wants Batman to build a fuck palace. I mean an orphanage. I don't know how I confused the two types of places, especially since one of them doesn't really exist.

After Catwoman tosses the diamonds all over the roof, the actual fuck scene takes place. It's only one page so I could scan it if I wanted to. But I'll just scan a small part of it so that you can really concentrate on the finer details.

I was going to scan the Bat-Signal because I established earlier what that was a metaphor for. But then I thought, "I want to see these two fucking close up and my scanner will magnify the scene!"

The Ranking!
+1! How can I keep giving this comic book +1 Rankings every issue?! It's going to be my favorite comic book soon and I'm not sure that's true! I like it a lot. A FUCKING LOT! And I suppose if I eventually declare this comic book better than The Sheriff of Babylon, Tom King probably won't get his feelings hurt. But can I declare it's better than The Flintstones by Mark Russell which I truly adore in so many ways?! Well, thankfully I don't have to worry about that just yet!

Speaking of The Sheriff of Babylon, Mitch Gerads did the art on this story! I bet Tom King was all, "This story is about a cat. Those cats in Sheriff were pretty fantastic! I should try to remember what lowly shit artist worked on that with me and get him for this!" And then he did! Great job, Mitch! I appreciate you even if Tom King treats you like garbage which he probably does even outside of my imaginings.

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