Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Red Hood and the Outlaws #4

Lobdell should be a whiz at writing Bizarro since he was so terrible at writing Superman!

I just saw that meme with a photo of a Native American and then the words obviously written by an agnostic white guy with a 4chan account that says that thing about birds having two wings and people are fools if they believe the wings are different just because they're on opposite sides of the bird. It's pretty shocking when you realize that bird's wings have such different governing philosophies and yet the bird still manages not to crash and burn because the right wing refuses to do its job for eight years. I wonder exactly how dumb a person has to be to think that whole right and left wings being part of the same bird analogy is profound? One time, I made an analogy that I actually thought was clever but because it was an analogy, I forgot it immediately because analogies are simply a way to ignore the subtleties and difficulties of specific problems. I do love to make analogies to make fun of the terrible people who think analogies are clever tactics to use in a debate.

Some of the worst people in the world are those people who refuse to choose a side in a debate because they think it shows they're more open-minded and intelligent. Fuck you, you dumb assholes. You aren't better than everybody else simply because you can't be bothered to support a side unless it's been proven 100%. I like people who passionately believe in the thing they believe! Unless it's the opposite of what I believe and then I hate them more than the "I'm so fucking smart" agnostics. I point this out because I can't fucking stand Scott Lobdell's writing. So if you like it or don't have a fully formed opinion that isn't "It's got some good and bad qualities!" then I probably can't stand you. Figuratively speaking, of course! I totally wouldn't tell you to your face that I hated you just because you liked Scott Lobdell's writing. I would absolutely love to hang out and grab a beer (or a root beer if you're Mormon or Muslim or a teetotaler!) and discuss comic books! Of course after we parted company, the first person I ran into, I'd have to say, "Hey! You see that fucking idiot over there? Totally thinks Scott Lobdell isn't the worst!" Unless the first person I ran into was Scott Lobdell. Then I'd probably say, "Eeep!", and run out of the room.

Is Scott Lobdell the only person left in the world who thinks it's clever or okay to nickname somebody with red hair "Red"?

The high jinks continue on the next page. I'd say it's comedy written by somebody who thinks vaudeville is coming back into style but that doesn't get to the heart of how bad it is. Bringing back vaudevillian humor isn't necessarily bad and has probably been done before by Alan Moore in some comic book I forgot to read. But I also didn't just want to say Lobdell obviously thinks the old jokes he's repeating are funny and original because that opens me up to people saying hurtful things like "Kettle, meet pot!" or "That's you, you stupid cunt-faced motherfucker!" See? I just did it there! How old is the insult "cunt-faced motherfucker"?! I probably cribbed that from Perfect Strangers.

I don't know if Scott Lobdell doesn't understand how Bizarro speaks or if editorial told him to drop the Bizarro shtick because it's just too confusing. Because Bizarro doesn't kill Jason Todd by crushing him against the omnium glass. Instead Bizarro says, "Too many words! Bizarro am confused!" Normally, that would mean there are just enough words (or too few!) and that Bizarro totally understands what's going on. But at least Lobdell understands how Bizarro refers to himself in the third person but speaks with first person singular verbs.

You're better off alone! Jason Todd is the most annoying character in the DC Universe since he's practically only been written by Scott Lobdell! Run, Bizarro! Run far away! I mean, walk slowly close by!

I guess Bizarro is going to be a Lenny or big dumb kid type of character. Does that mean he's going to have a bunch of cutesy, adorable scenes that will make everybody who loves Lobdell's Jason Todd to say things like "He's my baby!" and "My baby Jaybird's Bizarro baby is my baby!" and "Baby baby baby baby Jason Todd baby! Booga too doo booty boo!"?

Red Hood tells Bizarro a bedtime story and Bizarro falls asleep. That's when Black Mask and his goons — all wearing sex fetish gimp masks, of course — pack up Bizarro and take him back to the lab. Black Mask is impressed because Black Mask has chosen to be impressed by everything Jason Todd does. He has a huge crush on him. It's the only thing that explains why he's ignoring all of the signs that Jason Todd has infiltrated his organization to take him down. It's the only reason Black Mask would dare to hire as his second-in-command a man with close ties to Batman who is outside of his organization. He just wants to put his leather clad dick inside of him.

Black Mask invites Jason Todd to breakfast so he can reveal his true feelings to him. Not only does he think Jason Todd will make a great heir to his criminal organization, he also considers Jason Todd a friend. Oh? Is that you make friends as an adult? You hire them into your organization and after one or two days, you choke back the bile and declare they're you're friend? That seems dangerous. What if on the third day of knowing them, I realized they were actually an annoying asshole? Are you allowed to just as easily declare somebody not a friend, or an enemy even?

Jason Todd eats it up even though he doesn't want to because he is lonely and he likes how everybody is confessing to him that they're lonely too. It really helps build the theme of loneliness that lonely Scott Lobdell is trying to express. Lonely people are weak. And apparently they have roast turkey and wine for breakfast.

Black Mask takes Jason Todd down to his warehouse of weapons where he reveals that he's known all along what Jason Todd was trying to do. Of course he did! It was so fucking obvious! Black Mask doesn't need Jason anymore even though he was talking about friendship just a few pages earlier. I guess he was just trying to butter him up so that Red Hood would agree to take over Gotham and run it in a way that would make it better than the way it would be if other people ran it. Why are so many people so obsessed with controlling Gotham? You'd think it rained fucking diamonds there. Gotham City must be the fourth largest economy in the world.

Since Black Mask knows who Red Hood is, Jason Todd is finally able to tell him he's not interested in working with Black Mask. But Roman doesn't care because he's not lonely anymore. He has an even better friend than Jason Todd: Bizarro! With Bizarro, he can rule Gotham easily! I just have to ask again though: why?! How much fucking power does Gotham City give to whoever runs it?! It's just a goddamned city! I don't see the Mayor of Gotham wielding a might influence over anybody else in the DC Universe. It must be the ports, right? Gotham City has the best fucking ports in the world and everybody is just dying to ship their goods through it, right? Who fucking cares about Gotham City?! Just let Batman have it, you imbeciles. It can't be that great. Go take over New Orleans! That's a fun town and no superheroes!

What Did We Learn?
Loneliness will drive anybody to do anything. But mostly, loneliness will allow people to bound, one lonely loser to another. Then lonely loser readers will read the book about the lonely people who can't stop explaining how lonely they are (otherwise how will the reader know?!) and they'll identify with the characters. Then they'll post on the Internet about how much they love their poor little lonely Jaybird while furiously masturbate over that one panel where he's in the shower and you totally see his abs and almost the place where his penis attaches to his body. So close! Oh Jaybird! JAYBIRD! JAAAAAYBIIIIIIIRRRRRRD!

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