Friday, January 6, 2017

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #3

I hope this ends in weird sex.

The Justice League are now Amanda Waller's prisoners. This happened because a writer is writing this and it doesn't have to depend on facts or what would actually happen if superheroes were real. I know you're thinking, "Tess, since they're not real, how can you purport to know what would actually happen if Joshua Williamson wasn't directing the action?" To that I reply, "Don't question me, you stupid asshole!"

If you're wondering where I learned to debate so well, I'll tell you. One of my closest friends in high school, Soy Rakelson (that's not his real name! It's been changed to protect Roy Sakelson's identity!), was a conservative religious fellow. He taught me a lot about arguing because he argued a lot. The main things I learned were to never actually debate things point by point, always accuse the other person of believing the thing that you really want to argue against, and always direct the argument toward one of your pre-made logic traps that they will totally fall into so that you can say, "A-ha! So you admit the thing I believe and think you should believe too!" The only problem is that he wasn't very good at camouflaging his traps so you could see them from a mile away and nobody ever fell into them. But now, after spending so many years debating Soy, I've become fantastic at debating! That's why I totally won that pretend debate in the first paragraph against a pretend person.

While Amanda Waller gloats, Rick Flag and Katana are investigating The Catacombs. That's the Super Duper High Tech Cosmic Prison where Max Lord found his new friends, the Super Duper Suicide Squad. They'll probably find some clues which will give Amanda Waller a great idea to team up the Suicide Squad with the Justice League. Everybody knows the "vs" will eventually become an "us". I don't mean it literally so that the title reads "Justice League us Suicide Squad." I meant it in a cutesy figurative way that if you understood it, I applaud you. If you were confused, remember that stupid asshole comment? Go read it again!

Back at Belle Reve, Batman escapes from the Hannibal Lecter suit Amanda Waller has put him in. Then she's all, "Oh, oh! I knew you were going to escape but I thought you would have done it so much earlier. I was just having some fun! You know I wouldn't intentionally harm the Justice League! I'm a sweet lady,, bats! Remember we're pals! Um, put that boomerang away!"

It's the Justice League so my fangender brain is disappointed that they were defeated so easily. But the other part of my fangender brain is screaming, "You fucking tell that Batjerk, Amanda!"

Later there's some comedy between the Suicide Squad and the Justice League that just isn't funny. It's not terrible writing or anything! It's just sort of "Yeah, yeah. I get it. Harley is supposed to be funny. The other characters laughing is a big clue." Then Superman has a touching moment with Killer Frost where I'm all, "Yeah, yeah! I get this isn't funny because nobody is laughing. I guess it's sweet, maybe? Or Superman being inspirational?" But then Deadshot interrupts because he's even more cynical than I am.

When has Deadshot ever seen anybody in the Squad die?! In this context, "survivors" has the exact same definition as "Suicide Squad members."

Max Lord and his Super Duper Suicide Squad head to an island in the South Pacific to pick up one last member of the team. The story treats it like a big mystery, as if the reveal is going to be spectacular! Except the reveal was already revealed in DC's ginormous pull-out poster advertisement. They're getting Eclipso. Now let's move on with the story!

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda releases the Justice League after speaking with Batman. She's shown him the Black Box footage from The Catacombs prison break and Batman has decided the Justice League should see the footage. Because they should probably stop this threat even if it means working with the Suicide Squad.

How is this guy a threat?! Wook at how adowable he is! Jus' wook at 'im! Who's my cutesy-wootsy Wobo?!

I fucking hope to Hell Twat Lobo never makes another appearance in the DC Universe ever again. Unless, of course, it's so Real Deal Lobo can kick his stupid fucking ass.

Max Lord appears on the security footage and Preboot Superman recognizes him. He gets really fucking angry too! Because Max Lord killed one of Superman's best ever buddies, Ted Kord! They were practically the closest friends ever. Aside from Booster Gold being Blue Beetle's best friend, of course! And aside from the fact that Superman probably never took him too seriously. But I think Max Lord called Lois Lane a cunt once as well, so Clark might be upset about that.

Amanda Waller reveals the reason the Super Duper Suicide Squad wants to kill her: they were the first Suicide Squad. Wow! Sometimes people refer to a concept known as "going overboard" and I think this might be the most overboardiest anybody has ever gone! That's a lot of fucking power to deal with international political bullshit. And how the hell did Amanda get her hands on these killers? I can guess at Rustam but the rest? Maybe Emerald Empress fell out of a Time Bubble with amnesia and was easy to manipulate. And I guess Doctor Polaris is sort of a normal villain but he's Super Duper because he's so similar to Magneto and Marvel has spent decades proving that Magneto is the most powerful human "villain" in their universe. And I guess she could have just hired Lobo! And Johnny Sorrow might have just been writing sad poems when Amanda was all, "Hey, Johnny Truant? I've got your meaning of life right here!" So, yeah, I guess this Squad's origin is totally explainable!

The Review
+1 Ranking. I'm so happy that Real Deal Lobo is back that this book could have been written by Ann Nocenti and I would be excited. Although now I'm sort of wishing it had been written by Ann Nocenti because I miss her incomprehensible dialogue and her inability to actually write the story she tells people she's writing in interviews. Why was I so hard on her?! You never know what you've got until it's gone! My sweet, sweet Ann!

No comments:

Post a Comment