Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Batman #12

For some reason, this cover seems particularly apt tonight.

For people reading this in the future, I should probably explain that caption. For people reading it tonight, stop tittering over people deriving pleasure from being pissed on! Trump isn't that kind of pervert! He derived sexual pleasure from watching prostitutes pissing on a bed which somebody he hated slept in! That's a totally different and way more specific kind of fetish! Oh, so my explanation to the people reading this in the future where we've stopped pledging allegiance on the flag and instead piss into the mouth of an idol of our God Emperor: tonight was the night Trump Supporters finally began demanding that news be verified.

Last issue ended with Catwoman flying off the fucking handle and apparently going against Batman's plan to institute a plan of her own. One minor goal of Batman's plan was to possibly enable Catwoman to escape the death penalty. The main and only goal of Catwoman's plan is to make sure Catwoman escapes the death penalty and life imprisonment as well. So who can fault her with going out on her own limb? Plus she's a cat. Going out on dangerous limbs is something they tend to do. Tom King's Catwoman is way more cat-like than Ann Nocenti's Catwoman who, like, owned a cat or something.

This issue begins with a letter from Bruce to Selina. Or, more probably, from Alfred pretending to be Bruce to Selina. I can't stand how these comic books keep tricking me into reading letters! This is supposed to be a post-epistle modern age! Batman's letter begins by hinting at an intimacy that The New 52 tried to deny for five years. But we all knew it was there, just under the surface, bubbling with seminal and vaginal juices.

I want to say it's weird that seminal means relating to semen and also strongly influencing later developments but, I mean, that's what semen does. So it makes sense even if everybody titters whenever they hear the word used earnestly.

Before continuing this comic book, I should probably apologize to Trump supporters. It must be so hard for them to hear me bash Trump when they thought that I was a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer. Obviously their opinions on me have to completely change when I'm suddenly so biased by the lamestream media. As opposed to, you know, the other option. Which is that I'm still a clearheaded, logical, totally hilarious writer and that maybe they've made a huge mistake. So, you know, sorry about that.

This is definitely written by Alfred. He still thinks of Bruce as being fourteen years old. Plus, Bruce probably would have written "would of laughed and laughed."

Batman describes his parents as stuffed shirts who only laughed at things like hobos slipping on banana peels and small business owners. They were keen on the ridiculous because they lived life surrounded by order and societal rules. I guess that's why they would have found Batman so funny. "Look at him, Darling! Thinking he can change things without power and money! He's so cute beating on the symptoms of the problems instead of tackling the actual problems themselves! He's almost as funny as that broken-necked hobo we saw last week!"

Who does Batman think he is? The Comedian?!

This story arc is completely disappointing me! I thought it was going to be all about Batman's Suicide Squad. Instead it's a Harlequin Romance told in letters! I guess that's my mistake for thinking the title, "I am Suicide," was about the Squad instead of love. Fool me once!

In his letter, Batman acknowledges how stupid and immature his life as the Batman is. He says he wants to laugh too but his laughter died all those years ago when Alfred didn't get him the therapy he needed and instead enabled him to pursue this ridiculous crime-fighting course of action. Unless this is Alfred writing the letter like I forgot that I was pretending to think. Then it also makes sense that Alfred just slipped into writing in his own voice when he says, "I want to laugh too. Do you know how much I want to laugh?"

Then the letter really starts getting mushy!

Meanwhile, the story underneath the letters, is just Batman beating up Bane's guards as he climbs to the top of the prison and then dives into the bay and then swims with sharks. I don't know where he's going! I guess this is all part of the plan! Maybe Wesker is going to start throwing his voice and pretending to be Bane. Then he'll tell all of Bane's guards to kill themselves and they'll all be, "Sure thing, boss!" Because henchmen are dumbies.

I should probably describe the mushy part of Batman's letter. He says that he and Catwoman share something between them which keeps them from laughing at the ridiculousness of their adult choices. Then Batman goes on to really seduce Catwoman by describing his suicide attempt at ten years old. It's pretty hot and sexy if you're into that kind of thing. I mean, I'm not! But I am into the part where he points out God is a dick so the world needs a Batman. I would say Batman confessed to being an atheist but being an atheist in the DC Universe isn't logical. There's too much evidence that there is a God. Batman's even been to heaven!

Also, Batman's suicide attempt? He admits that it's still an ongoing project.

See?! Catwoman's not a murderer! She's a fucking liar! And Batman is the World's Greatest Detective! And I'm the world's Grandmasteriest Comic Book Reader!

In the letter, Batman states he's going to set Catwoman free because he always finds the truth. He sees in Catwoman the same pain that drives him toward death and realizes she's eager enough to lie about 237 murders in exchange for death's embrace and an end to her pain. So instead of giving her that, he's going to force her to keep living with the pain because it's what he wants and what he needs! And Bruce Wayne always fucking gets what he wants!

For some reason, Batman was fighting his way to Bane's "throne" room when I thought he was hiding just behind a vent. I guess he was elsewhere when Catwoman went crazy and betrayed him. Probably setting up the real plan that relied on Catwoman going crazy and pretending to kill Punch and Jewlee. See, the other reason Punch and Jewlee were critical to Batman's Suicide Squad was that they're jesters and clowns and tricksters. Which means they're pretty good at legerdemain and making it look like blood spurts from their neck when Catwoman attacks them.

The main reason the reader can assume that the plan hasn't gone tits up is because The Ventriloquist has yet to be crucial to the plot. And yet Batman pointed out he's the most crucial bit. Bane has spent years underestimating Batman. You'd think he'd, just this once, realize that he's underestimated him yet again! I think Bane suffered some brain damage from all the years he spent on Venom. Or maybe all the years he spent having his head smashed into bricks by Batman.

The Ranking!
+1! This story about suicide is so romantic!

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