Monday, January 16, 2017

Scooby Apocalypse #8

Now that's a thigh gap! Ooh la la!

I see "Wagner" there on the cover and now the only thing I'm thinking is, "I fucking hope Matt Wagner is writing the Scrappy Doo back-up story!"

It's not. It's some jerko named Ron Wagner who probably changed his name to sell a few more comic books to overly excited Matt Wagner fans who pick up every Wagner book, just in case.

Last issue, Scooby Doo had run off, leading a bunch of monsters down a hallway lined with doors while some wanna-be Monkees music played. The rest of the gang drove off to the hospital, leaving him behind. This is the first page of this issue:

I guess somebody realized Scooby's name was in the title so maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have him run off.

Scooby Doo found his way back to the Gang because he's loaded down with Smart Dog technology and also he can smell Velma's ass from like five miles away. Lucky dog.

This episode begins with the formulaic bit where Scooby and Shaggy go off on their own to shit themselves. Also, they're looking for medical supplies. I imagine they'll also find the ingredients to make a five foot tall sandwich. And Scooby will say, "Roh boy!" And Shaggy will prepare to eat it and then look away and Scooby will eat it one bite and go, "Reee reee reee reee!" I think that's the way he laughs.

Daphne joins up with Shaggy and Scooby because this comic book doesn't know how the cartoon works. I guess it's okay this time because Fred is unconscious and Daphne usually fucks Fred while everybody else is busy investigating the haunted circus tent. Also it's okay because Daphne is a cold stone killer. She's also probably a lesbian since she keeps rebuffing Fred's advances. Also because this is a modern take on an old cartoon. You can't have everybody in the group be white and heterosexual! This is 2017! And Velma being the lesbian is too obvious. Also Fred being gay is too obvious. I mean, an ascot? What is that? Seriously. What is an ascot?

While Fred and Velma disappear into the Mystery Machine to do mysterious things like rest and celebrate life the only way they know how in the face of terrifying oblivion, Scooby, Shaggy, and Daphne explore the hospital looking for survivors.

This comic book is nothing like the cartoon! This should be a kitchen full of stuff to make sandwiches and also olives and toothpicks! I guess there is a ham hock on the floor.

Shaggy, Scooby, and Daphne discover a monstrous doctor torturing a human being unaffected by the nanites. I don't think the human being is famous so he'll probably die. The Scooby Gang only allows famous people to pal around with them in the Mystery Machine.

I suppose that might be Matt Leblanc. Maybe he could join up and drive the Mystery Machine! As long as he keeps from doing donuts around war memorials.

Daphne shoots off the demon doctor's arm but that doesn't help save the patient because the bed eats him. It's death bed! The bed that eats people! Actually, it's Death Hospital, the Hospital That Eats People. Because the entire hospital begins transforming with Scooby, Shaggy, and Dapne inside. For some reason, Fred and Velma don't drive away to live a life of bliss as the last man and woman on Earth. Instead they wait for the others like I probably wouldn't do. Especially since Velma isn't one of the ones in trouble.

Surprisingly, everybody survives the Death Hospital and they drive off on another adventure. Hopefully a sexy adventure that will force me to look up the meaning of the phrase "double penetration".

What Did We Learn?
Hospitals are the worst places in the world. Why don't hospital dramas ever portray hospitals as they really are? This Scooby Doo comic book came closer than shows like Grey's Anatomy or Chicago Hope or Doctors Fucking Like Rabbits. They're grisly and terrifying and the doctors are all a lot more monstrous than they look. The doctor in this comic book looked monstrous but that just meant he was even worse than real doctors like House or Trapper John. Hospitals would go a long way in not being creepy death vaults by changing up the architecture and minimalist hospital style they all like to stick to. Nobody wants to walk down an echoey hallway with stark florescent lighting and fuzzy beige walls because we all know that a madman lurks around the corner at the approaching T-intersection. If you never want to be completely sane again, get a file cabinet and a hand-truck and go to a nearby hospital. Tell them you're there to deliver it to whatever part of the hospital is located in the basement. Then go down there alone and walk those fucking empty halls until you shit yourself. Fucking hospitals are the worst.

The Ranking!
No change.

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