Saturday, January 7, 2017

Midnighter and Apollo #4

I like small cocks and I cannot lie!

Currently Midnighter is in Hell to rescue Apollo and kill The Mawzir. If you're wondering who The Mawzir is, I'm never speaking to you again because you obviously didn't read Hitman. Thus you suck and aren't worth my time. I know that's awfully harsh and judgmental but we all need a system to organize our lives or we'll just go mad juggling it all.

But Midnighter has a problem: the Ace of Winchesters lies broken at The Mawzir's feet. It's the only gun that can kill The Mawzir. I probably don't have to explain that to you since you read Hitman. If you didn't read Hitman, what are you still doing here? This blog post will still be waiting for you when you get back. And it will seem less rude after you've read Hitman. You'll be all, "Yeah, Tess! I've read Hitman too! Love me! Love me! Be my daddy! Not in a kink way but in a quite real and literal way because I've never had an adult male figure who loved me unconditionally!"

Apollo is in the Castle Epicaricacius where Neron lives. That seems a bit pretentious, right? How big does a domicile have to be before you can name it? I don't mean calling your stupid family home "The Smith House" or "The House of Smiths" semi-jokingly to your bland and boring neighbors whom you sometimes visit for dinner and cocktails while concealing a quiet rage at their theft of your personal time.

Midnighter is in The Vascular Gardens which sound disgusting. The Mawzir currently has him at a disadvantage. I mean, The Mawzir thinks he has Midnighter at a disadvantage but when has Midnighter ever been at a disadvantage? Even if his fight computers aren't working right in Hell, he's still a bad-ass fuckmonster with one Ace of Winchester bullet. So what if he doesn't have a gun to propel it into The Mawzir's skull? I'm pretty sure he can figure out how to do that some other way. It might take longer and be way more painful and gory, but he'll think of something.

The Mawzir is wearing a cowboy hat to complete his gunslinger look. Also it hides the swastika on his forehead because kids today are way too fucking sensitive to see something like that.

The Mawzir is one of my all-time favorite villains for a number of reasons that I will explain in this essay. This essay will explain the reasons I like The Mawzir. I like The Mawzir because he is a gunslinger. Gunslingers are cool even though they are inherently violent. That is because guns are weapons used for violence. I know that people say that people kill people but often times they use guns which were made to kill things and not made to butter toast. That is not a criticism of guns like gun nuts are thinking it is and fuming at the face simply because I said it. It is just a fact. The next reason I like The Mawzir is because he looks cool. John McCrea kicked the shit out of his work when he created The Mawzir. He went to work that day and he said, "Work? I hope you like getting your shit kicked because I am in a shit-kicking mood, for sure!" Then he created The Mawzir to look cool. The third and final reason (because essays need three reasons before concluding) I like The Mawzir is his cool attitude. It is cool to have an attitude like The Mawzir's which is why I find him cool. In summary, The Mawzir, for these three reasons, is one of my all-time favorite villains.

While Midnighter battles The Mawzir, Apollo faces off against Neron. Neron is busy gay-shaming Apollo although he's pretending Apollo is in Hell for reasons like pride and murder and more murder. I guess Neron doesn't mind being an evil demon from Hell who tortures, kills, and maims for pleasure but he doesn't want people thinking he's homophobic.

Midnighter manages to headbutt the bullet through The Mawzir's head, killing it. Probably just killing it until it's next appearance, really. Because who at DC Comics can allow The Mawzir to be dead for good?! He's too great a character. Plus he's a demon from Hell who technically wasn't shot by the Ace of Winchesters so he can't actually be dead. It's in the rules! But for now, it's good enough to get the story moving.

Midnighter did manage to get shot while battling The Mawzir and his healing factor probably doesn't work too well in Hell. But he'll still probably rescue Apollo because I don't think this story was written to just leave Midnighter and Apollo trapped in Hell, especially when Warren Ellis is on the verge of rebooting the Wildstorm Universe.

This year for Halloween, I should go as The Mawzir. It's either that or Stephanie from Lazytown.

While Midnighter continues to earn my love and respect for being a cool bad-ass motherfucker, Apollo finally begins worming his way into my heart.

Self-confidence is such a huge turn on. Probably because we most love in others that which we love about ourselves. And I am one confident motherfucker. Some might say arrogant or pretentious or cunt. And maybe they're right! But what the fuck do I care?! I'm loaded with love for myself and nobody can bring me down! Except maybe my mother.

Oh shit. I just remembered I haven't called my mom back when she left a message wishing me a Happy Merry Christmas!

Apollo decides to play his own game with Neron. If Neron can answer the question of why Apollo really calls himself Apollo, Neron can have Apollo's soul. Otherwise, Neron must give Apollo back his powers and free him. Neron is the kind of guy who loves to give up all the power he has for a chance to show he has all the power. Overconfidence is such a turn off! It's a fine line from Bonerville to Flaccidtown! But usually overconfidence is confidence stemming from ignorance and bravado and the need to prove something to others. Self-confidence is not giving a fuck about the assholes around you and just living your own life no matter how shitty they are to you.

Neron, being a weird idiot, somehow thinks the answer to Apollo's question is that Apollo thinks he's earned the right to call himself a God. Fucking dum-dum! You've been saying that this whole time! Why would Apollo ask you why he calls himself that if the answer is the thing you've been spouting non-stop since Apollo entered Castle Epicurious?! Think before speaking, you vile Twitter Egg!

Midnighter follows the path to the Mansion of Happiness to discover Apollo in a large glass flask next to Neron on his throne. Whether Neron's answer to Apollo's question was correct or not has yet to be revealed. Obviously it wasn't correct! But Midnighter doesn't know what's going on yet. He doesn't realize yet that his lover has already saved himself. But Neron sees another possible way to keep Apollo. With Apollo sealed away and unable to tell Midnighter that he's free, Neron offers Midnighter yet another deal for Apollo's soul. A fight between him and Midnighter with Apollo's soul as the prize. Can Midnighter even make that deal? I suppose Hell doesn't care too much about ownership laws.

Midnighter is pumped up with Extra├▒o's dark and super gay magic which he's ready to switch on so he can beat Neron to death. But that won't happen until the next issue which is too bad because I really want to see Neron be beaten to death. Constantine let him off too easy.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! The Mawzir may have died but that's a small price to pay for such a romantic book.

No comments:

Post a Comment