Friday, January 20, 2017

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #5

I don't know the name of this sex act but I've done it.

People often inquire about the scars all over my back and I begin my response with "I don't know the name of the sex act but..." and then go on to describe it.

I was just on a Wikipedia page listing a bunch of animals that have been known to engage in homosexual behavior to see if a shark would really fuck me in the ass. This gay animal was my favorite:

I wonder if this is an effective chat-up line at gay bars? "Guess who's got two thumbs and is full of old, less effective sperm?"

The issue begins with the Justice League saving the world according to Max Lord's instructions. Because that's what Eclipsos are known for: humanitarian acts! I guess it's just easier for Max Lord to mind-control other Eclipsos when he's the Master Eclipso. I just hope the world is saved before the sun shines on it!

In two minutes, The Flash can learn how to dismantle all types of weapons of mass destruction, discover their locations, and then actually dismantle them. But he's still constantly defeated by guys with cold guns and boomerangs.

At first I thought maybe Max Lord was serious about saving the world. Flash dismantles all weapons of mass destruction in the world. Sounds good. The Green Lanterns put up a protective bubble around Earth to keep out cosmic invaders and errant asteroids. But then Aquaman secures "our shores and borders." What is he securing all shores and borders from if Max is saving the world? A dolphin invasion? The image shows Aquaman blocking some ships with a bunch of whales which leads me to the conclusion that Max Lord is really just interested in saving the United States of America.

Wonder Woman takes all leaders hostage under the guise of protection while Cyborg hacks into all communication networks and begins streaming "Cyborg's Football Facts and White Noise Dance Party" twenty-four hours a day.

Oh, there you have it. From Max Lord's mouth to your eyes.

This might be the wrong day to be reading this comic book because Eclipso Max Lord seems like a hero in the context of the current inauguration.

I haven't needed to point this out in quite some time but maybe DC's colorists should do some research on the American Flag before coloring it. Or the editors should, I don't know, run a quick Google Image Search before okaying the American flag with a red stripe directly under the blue field of stars.

My brain just asked me this question so I thought I'd pass it on to you: When MRA-types get angry at a decision made by Starbucks, do they begin referring to it as Starcucks?

The entire Justice League hasn't been turned into Eclipsos. Max Lord missed Batman. Which means he missed the most important member! I wonder if Batman will get the privilege of beating Max Lord with a single punch at the end of this story or if that pleasure will go to Amanda?

Batman, Amanda, Deadshot, and currently headless Lobo are all trapped under rubble in Belle Reve. They have no idea that the United States is completely safe from all attacks that weren't threatening it anyway. Max Lord is a genius how he changed absolutely nothing! What a hero!

Superman stops by to rescue Amanda Waller. Instead of killing Batman, Superman just leaves him. That seems illogical! Right now, Superman is under the spell of Eclipso. He believes Max Lord has saved the world. Batman is currently the one threat capable of ruining Max Lord's peace! To ensure world peace, Superman should kill Batman. It's so obvious. But then, Superman has never been the smartest member of the Justice League.

And then Lobo's head grows back.

This is practically my comic book dream team! Just add Halo, Katana, and Black Lightning and we've got the greatest incarnation of Batman and the Outsiders ever!

Batman's plan had not only been to stop Lobo from killing them but also to remove Max Lord's mind-control over him. What better way than blowing off his head? Lobo totally agrees which is why Lobo is the greatest character of all time, no matter how much that statement makes me sound like an 80s heavy metal socially awkward white male! I mean, that's what I was when Lobo became the gold standard of bad-ass bad guys. I refuse to acknowledge the years when he was just used as a punching bag to show that other heroes were so smart or powerful that they could defeat the biggest non-crossover-event threat in the DC Universe! When he's written well, he's a lot of fun. When he's written by Cullen Bunn, I have to struggle not to kill myself.

Crawling out of the hole, Lobo, Batman, and Waller run into the rest of the Suicide Squad. They're struggling to contain Eclipso Cyborg. He must have gotten a virus while taking over the world's communications (which include pornographic websites, obviously) which slowed him down enough to be captured by Boomerang, Croc, Frost, and Harley Quinn. Normally he'd just knock them all unconscious with his White Noise Cannon since they all have ears. At least I think Killer Croc has ears. Oh, he must! That's why there's that phrase about crocodile ears.

Cyborg has managed to maintain a certain amount of control because he's half-machine. Max and the Black Diamond weren't able to control Cyborg completely. That probably means after this story is over, Cyborg is going to fall into another depression where he sits and wonders if he's really human at all.

Max Lord is beginning to fall under Eclipso's spell so Batman organizes a new Justice League to go after him. This new League is really just a Suicide Squad who aren't allowed to kill anybody. It features Lobo, Harley Quinn, Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Killer Frost, and Deadshot. See? Not really much difference from the usual Squad.

Max thinks he's created a peaceful world but in reality, people are running amok. Amanda decides it's time for that punching thing to happen. Or a good solid backhand, at least.

Everybody is becoming an Eclipso while Max is becoming The Eclipso. Still, I'd rather live in this DC Universe than the current real one.

Batman's Suicide Squad arrives just in time to see Max Lord turn into Eclipso. This incarnation, Eclipso makes sure the sun is covered in darkness so he can't be destroyed. The only way to defeat Eclipso is with the sun's energy so now I can think of only one last chance: Superman must piss on him!

What Did We Learn?
Who has time to learn anything?! Donald Trump is now president of the United States of America! I have to go find as many kittens as I can to hug and kiss!

The Ranking!
+1! Enjoyable!

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