Friday, January 13, 2017

Doom Patrol #3

I often read with the light in my eyes instead of on the book.

I see Simon Bisley did the variant cover. Now I want the variant cover! I at least want to see it.

Okay, I've seen it. Having the Internet at the tip of my fingers is like witchcraft. I bet every witch ever burned would be pretty pissed off to see the things I can do without any religious bastards batting an eye! "Look at me! I'm summoning porn in a separate window while I type incantations in this one!" I wouldn't even have to do any of those things in the 1600s to be burned as a witch. I would just have to say that phrase and everybody would be all, "Witch! Witch! Speaking devilish nonsense!" Then I'd pull out a laser pistol and blow them all to hell! Ah ha ha! I mean, I don't have access to a laser pistol and everything I just typed was made up in my imagination and my time machine is just a washing machine I keep in my bedroom closet. Um, which I accidentally call a time machine sometimes.

Casey the Ambulance Driver is learning that she's not actually an ambulance driver. She's a Danny the Ambulance (who is often times a street or a cabaret or a brick) driver. And inside Danny the Ambulance is a whole world of people and things and buildings soon to be turned into space hamburgers. She doesn't know about the Evil Space Fast Food Franchise yet. I'm sure Flex Mentallo will get to that soon enough.

As an aside, it was 17 years ago today that I met my best friend and greatest cat companion I could have ever hoped for, Judas Soliloquy Velociraptor. I miss him every day. I mean, almost every day. I mean, I have to actually make an effort to miss him most days. Stupid time and its ability to wear down every thing in existence.

Flex tells Casey how he came to live inside Danny.

I will forever miss Crazy Jane. All of these new perky young manic pixie girls that comic book companies portray as "women" can't hold a candle to her.

Hopefully the new Batwoman comic book will maintain Batwoman as an actual adult woman who doesn't have to be uniquely cute and peppy to attract an audience. I want to read about adult women sometimes too! I mean, don't get me wrong! I still want a lot of stories about Maps! Although I did drop Superwomans so maybe I'm lying to myself about what I really want (and, yes, I meant to pluralize that. Just look at the cover!). I just wanted to point that out before somebody else pointed that out because I know I dropped that title because I was bored of the writing. Just like Green Lanterns which also featured an adult woman. Sure, she was developmentally arrested but still more of an adult than say Burnside Batgirl. You know, I also dropped Batgirl and Batgirl and the Birds of Prey! And Aquaman! Probably because it was featuring so much of Mera! And Flash was focusing too much on Iris West! And Cyborg had that awful Sarah Charles who was so adult it made me angry! And Green Arrow which prominently features Black Canary! And Red Hood and the Outlaws had a female character in it too! Did I just cancel all of the books with strong female leads?! What kind of secret sexist monster am I?

Obviously when I just typed that I was a "secret sexist monster," I meant it was a secret from myself. I'm sure all of you dear readers already new it.

I'm also a secret sex monster. Wink!

I meant that in a sexy hot way and not in a disgusting pedophile and/or rapey way! Being sexy in writing is difficult.

Flex takes Casey to a ride in Danny World called Itty Bitty Bonsai Beach. Apparently it's going to recount Casey's origin story to her. Why doesn't she just look in the back of this issue and read her Who's Who Entry?

Meanwhile, Larry and Cliff get reacquainted back in Casey's apartment. Larry wants to find The Chief but Cliff remembers that The Chief was the architect of all of the accidents that turned them into superheroes. Plus The Chief was just a head when Cliff last saw him, wasn't he? I'm conveniently forgetting the Niles Caulder who appeared in The Ravagers. I'm even sorry I mentioned him if you never knew that Niles existed. Anyway, before they can come up with a plan, Terry None comes home with pizza. Oh, and this guy suddenly appears with no respect for the plot.

I wonder if this negative alien has ever really tried to be positive? Maybe he should get a Tony Robbins DVD?

Meanwhile, some aliens calling themselves the Vectra invade the Mercy General Hospital parking garage to smash the fuck out of Danny the Ambulance. Not cool.

Casey hops off the boat on her ride to walk around the Doomed World sets. She walks by past members of the Doom Patrol. She checks out the Scissormen and the Brotherhood of Dada and the Candlemaker. She eventually finds herself in a comic book shop and begins digging around in the back issue boxes where she finds one that looks plot relevant.

If you've ever wondered how I could spend so much time reading comic books and finding things to write about them (and mostly not about them, actually), it's because every comic book I pick up looks like this to me. Except it says "Tess" instead of "Casey".

Through the comic book, Danny tells Casey her secret origin. She was a comic book character in a comic book published by Danny to entertain the people on his street when he was merely a street and not yet a world. Her memories are the memories of her adventures in those comic books. And I'd like to point out that before this moment, I still didn't really know how much I liked this book.

Now? I love this book. I'm such a fucking easy slut.

That previous page hits me so hard directly in the nostalgia that I'm a bit dizzy at the moment. Fucking hell, I wish I still loved comics as strongly as I did back then. Remember what I said about time earlier? Well now I'm saying it again except harsher!

Meanwhile, those Vectrans I mentioned earlier? They're beginning to torture Danny the Ambulance so he'll let them in so they can harvest meat for their Evil Space Fast Food Franchise Overlords. As they do this, things start falling apart on Danny World. Casey, who is indeed having an existential crisis, does not want to be Space Case the Comic Book Superhero, so she heads back to the Cabaret and the exit to Danny World. She loses her right leg just under the knee as she heads out because her comic book version is catching up to her and, in the comic book, she has a metal leg. She's also followed by a cute little critter that's probably named Fugg since that's all the thing says. Both of them are captured by the Vectrans as they exit Danny the Ambulance.


Lastly, Larry and Cliff are transported to the Negative Zone so Larry Trainor can once more become a proper Negative Man. Probably.

The Ranking!
+2! This comic book actually broached my emotional shield for a few moments. It was already a bit weak due to remembering Judas on his Day of Adoption but I think even without that, the Crisis on Infinite Earths page with all the perfect little touches would have been enough. I'm totally into this comic now! I hope Shade the Changing Girl gets to this place too! I even feel like I trust Gerard Way to handle Dorothy and Crazy Jane if he'd like to bring them back. I hope he'd like to bring them back. I mean, I more than hope. I think the proper term is "I threaten him with death if he doesn't bring them back."

My lawyer Pickle Boy says I should state, in writing, that I meant that death threat hyperbolically, even if I didn't really.

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