Thursday, January 12, 2017

Green Arrow #10

I've never before noticed that leg Green Arrow has coming out of his armpit.

Today was a disaster because my comic book store did not get new comics in and also they were closed. This is because I live in Portland, Oregon. You may have heard that we are experiencing the end of the world right now due to a foot of snow falling in one day. No other city in any other nation has ever had it as bad as we had it here the last two days. From now on, whenever I hear anybody mention Aleppo, I'd better hear somebody else say, "That's nothing! What about what happened in Portland?!" Then at the mention of Portland, everybody will lower their heads in respect and think of the poor hipsters who couldn't get any new records or be seen in line at ¿Por QuĂ© No? I can only imagine these last two days was what John the Apostle saw in his vision that caused him to write Revelations. I did mention how I couldn't get my new comics today, right?

So in the DC Universe, there exists a train which runs under the Pacific Ocean linking Seattle with Shanghai. Ollie compares it to some architectural marvels like the Great Wall of China or the Pyramid of Giza. Is he insane?! Those "architectural marvels" are no better than stacking blocks! Sure, they're big blocks! And over incredibly long distances and rugged terrain (in the case of the wall! The pyramid is like just sitting there in sand and shit). But if you want to talk about architectural marvels, how about all those fucking cathedrals and mosques and wherever Jewish people worship that sometimes took six hundred years to complete. Six hundred years! I don't start a project if I think it's going to take up my entire weekend, let alone thirty generations of my offspring! I know I mock religion incessantly on this blog but I can't begrudge it its power to compel people toward great achievements. I suppose if I believed I would have eternity to play video games after I died, I wouldn't begrudge a bit of daily housework.

Under Bear Fuck Island, Ollie, Diggle, and Dinah are preparing to catch the Trans-Pacific Railway as it speeds by without stopping. It does slow down a little bit as they're expecting a container of heroin to be dropped on board.

Oh forget the stupid fucking bow, you rich fucker. It's not like it's fucking Rosebud.

Look at the above scan. Diggle is either falling on his face or he's a champion fucking long jumper (with no technique). Diggle would have been better off just running aboard so I think he actually is tripping over his semen soaked, bear beshitted boots.

Ollie is all, "The bow is all I have left!" And Dinah is all, "You have like eighty secret hideouts all over Seattle full of trick arrows and pornography! You'll live!" Diggle falls out of the container as it drops onto the train but he's able to hang on with one hand. To a train going like six hundred miles per hour. Um, probably. I bet it's because his hands are still sticky from honey. You know, the honey he ate while cuddling with the bear he fucked on Bear Fuck Island. Oliver, on the other hand (the one not holding onto the train), misses the train completely. Except he's got one chance left! He fires a grapple arrow into the side of the train and doesn't rip both arms out of socket as he hangs on to the rope going taught at, probably, six hundred miles per hour. These are some bad-ass men! What was Dinah so fucking worried about?

Oliver boards the train through the back door and now has to walk up to the shipping container to reunite with Black Canary. Diggle is probably dead. On his way, Ollie passes through a train car full of luxury vehicles. He just happens to notice one of them had their trunk forced open even though they're all backed up against the wall and he's walking in front of them. I guess he does need a good eye for shooting arrows so accurately. He jumps to the conclusion that somebody was probably stowing away in the trunk but when he investigates, he just finds a bunch of bottles of an energy drink called "Oh!"

Oh shit. This is the maiden voyage? So no heroin has yet to reach Seattle from Bear Fuck Island? Ollie truly is better than Batman! Also, do you call train journeys voyages? I guess if they're under the ocean, right?

Black Canary shrugs her shoulders and leaves Diggle and Ollie to die. If the idiots couldn't board the carrier in time, that's their stupid problem. Instead of trying to help Diggle, she decides to crawl across the top of the train until she can find a way in. I imagine it must have been heartbreaking ignoring Diggle's screams for help.

Percy puts in a bit of Black Canary Narration Boxing so the reader knows she's confident that Ollie and Diggle are okay. I mean, there's no way she can really know that. But I guess she's just an optimist. She decides to go undercover because obviously there is something super suspicious happening on this train. It was being used to transport heroin, for Christ's sake! I mean it was going to be used for that purpose!

Of course Black Canary is right not to be worried because Diggle manages to save himself.

The Pacific Ocean isn't hot at all!

Diggle winds up in a fight with the bartender who is a mercenary that recognizes Diggle by reputation. But he'll be all right, I'm sure. Dinah certainly isn't worried as she steals a dress that conveniently has a black canary pattern on the front. As if anybody else in the world has ever heard of a black canary! Um, they're not really a thing, are they?

Dinah runs into some guy named Amin Mustafa who decides it's more important to try to get laid than to have a hot woman prove her identity to security. I totally get that!

Uh-oh! I bet I know what's going to happen!

Actually, I already knew something like that was going to happen because being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I made sure to contemplate and analyze the title of the story before reading the story. The title was "Murder on the Empire Express". I didn't say they're all hard to analyze.

Mustafa recognizes Dinah Lance as the lead singer of Black Canary but it doesn't seem to worry him. He does remember how every single venue Black Canary played would wind up trashed, right? And he does remember that they're a mile or two beneath the surface of the ocean, right?! This is going to be a disaster!

Meanwhile, Ollie read the ingredients on Oh! and realized that the main ingredient is conotoxin. According to Google, I mean Ollie, it's "one of the deadliest and swiftest poisons in the world." But not only that! He also says, "If blended with phenol, you've got a toxic cocktail that would shut down your organs and jelly your brain." If it's so swift and deadly, why does it need to be made swifter and deadlier? And how come Oliver knows this stuff? Did he learn it while on The Island?

Oliver makes a Boxing Glove Arrow and fans are all, "Ugh. Really? That was cool and funny and retro like the first five thousand times it's been brought back. But this five thousandth and one time is just too much." Then he finds Diggle bleeding all over the place. Diggle warns him that there's an assassin on board! And Oliver is all, "Duh! I already figured that out. Totally way before you did. You've got no game, brother." Not long after that, Mustafa drinks some non-alcoholic champagne and drops dead. She's all, "There's an assassin on board! I just figured it out when this guy was assassinated!" She's the worst of the three!

The poison works too quickly because Mustafa dies almost immediately after taking a sip and now everybody knows the champagne is poisoned and nobody else is going to drink it. I mean, maybe a few people will because they're terribly thirsty and they don't believe bad things ever happen to them. But fuck those people. They were probably going to get hit by a car on a dark, rainy night anyway thinking, "That car has to stop for me because it's the law."

To make sure even those fuckwits don't die, Black Canary uses her Canary Cry to shatter all of the champagne flutes. And probably a bunch of ear drums too. And maybe one or two brain stems.

Green Arrow arrives as the assassin tries to flee the train car. Then he explains how his plan totally worked although he doesn't explain exactly why he wanted it to work. I guess he was just paid by somebody with an interest in keeping the Middle East and North Africa from forming some kind of peace treaty. Green Arrow figures it's the perfect time to be an annoying scold.

He's a murderer for hire! Do you think he fucking cares?!

Green Arrow is all, "You're disgusting! So gross! Problematic to the nth degree!" And the assassin is all, "Oh! I'm so ashamed now! I want people to like me and my pockets bulging with blood money!" The assassin gets away because Green Arrow wants to hear the answer to his riddle, "Ever heard of an Irish Goodbye?" Instead of saying "No" while knocking the guy out, Oliver is all, "What's that?!" Then the assassin shuts down the lights and sneaks away.

Then this happens and nobody says, "Oh no! It was this other guy who completely confessed to it and even said why he killed Amin. These two were trying to stop him!", because this is a stupid comic book and poorly written and desperate for some kind of shitty cliffhanger, no matter how fucking contrived it might be. Also, I think Black Canary may have broken her back at some point during the story.

The Rating!
-1! From now on, whenever a comic book ends like this where the heroes have just stopped the bad guy but then the everyday heroes come along and decide to arrest or beat up the good guys, I am dropping the stupid fucking comic book. It's the trope I hate the most and I'm currently incensed! I'm angrier about this than people thinking Trump is smart. How stupid do you have to be to listen to Trump speak and think, "That guy sure ain't dumb!"?

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