Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Batman Annual #1

Holy fuck a lot of people got paid for working on this issue!

Has anybody reading this ever tried reporting a picture on Facebook? I'm going to assume not because if you enjoy my blog posts, you probably have a similar temperament to me which, I think, the kids call chill as fuck. I'm sure it's something different now like maybe cool as penguin testes. But anyway, I actually clicked on the report link today — not because I actually wanted to report something but just because I was curious — and I can't fucking believe the options they give you for wanting to report a photo.

Are you fucking kidding me? "It's annoying or not interesting"?! Who the fuck is the arbiter of interesting and annoying on Facebook? No wait. Don't answer that question because it will seriously depress me.

The only reason given here that makes any sense is the second one. Even the spam one is bullshit because users on Facebook have a lot of options to avoid spam. Well, they have one really great option: unfriend the fucker who keeps spamming you! But the other reasons? My God, what kind of touchy fucking society are we living in that people need this kind of power and control over other people? "I think it shouldn't be on Facebook." Fuck off, you annoying prick! Anybody who has ever clicked that bubble can suck shit out of my asshole. Unless they have a shit fetish and then they can't do that. These options for reporting a photo aren't to make Facebook a better place; these options are to allow petty assholes to exert some kind of power over somebody they dislike. Even if I think the other options (like unfollowing or unfriending a person) are better, I wouldn't even mind if one of the options was "Overtly sexual." At least it's a more defensible reason (you know, for prudes) than "It's not interesting." Another option should be "Too gorey," like when your oversharing friend posts pictures of some organ they had removed. Although, yet again, I still maintain that the other options are better than declaring some picture shouldn't be posted by some person on their own fucking timeline. You have control over your own fucking Facebook environment, assholes. Stop trying to control everybody else's too.

This issue begins with Batman's throat being torn out by Ace the Bathound. Or it's a different Ace who's the mascot for the Royal Flush Gang. The title of the story is "Good Boy" which means it's going to be fucking melancholy and depressing. I guess there will be multiple stories since "Good Boy" doesn't list the same amount of artists in the credits as there are on the cover.

This already has me thinking of the end of Cujo which goes something like this: "He had always tried to be a good dog and do what his master said and never wanted to kill anybody but something about a degenerative nerve disease called rabies or something."

I suck at remembering quotes. I can't even remember my own quotes and I truly love and adore most of everything I say or write. So here's the actual quote:

“It would perhaps not be amiss to point out that he had always tried to be a good dog. He had tried to do all the things his MAN and his WOMAN, and most of all his BOY, had asked or expected of him. He would have died for them, if that had been required. He had never wanted to kill anybody. He had been struck by something, possibly destiny, or fate, or only a degenerative nerve disease called rabies. Free will was not a factor.”

When I first read Cujo in Junior High, I don't think the book touched me at all. Until that fucking paragraph. I think Stephen King wrote that entire fucking book simply so he could stick in that final paragraph and rip the fucking heart out of everybody reading it. I'm crying thinking about it now! Stupid Cujo!

Batman's throat was torn out by Ace of Spades the Cardhound on September 2nd. I bet the rest of this story is just panels of Batman getting rabies shots across the next few weeks.

Whew. I don't have to be sad! This is about the adoption of Ace the Bathound! Although now I'm suddenly tearing up out of happiness. Good boy!

Why do our stupid bodies cry when we're extremely happy or extremely sad? Doesn't it know they're vastly different emotions that should really call for vastly different reactions? If I were one to believe that some omnipotent God created the human body, I wouldn't be impressed by Their workmanship. God could imagine every vastly different and crazy thing in the Universe but They couldn't think up two different reactions to emotions on the opposite ends of the spectrum? Now is probably the time I should reassess this whole happy versus sad thing and try to reconcile why people cry from both emotions. But I don't want to. I'd rather point out God is a terrible artisan.

Ace is sent to a kill shelter because The Joker has made Ace into a monster. But Alfred donates a shit-bunch of Bruce's money to the pound so that the kid at the front desk could illegally adopt the dangerous animal out. Alfred also demands that the Gotham Pound be renamed the Martha and Thomas Wayne Humane Society." Why would the Gotham Pound use another organization's name, the Human Society, in their new name?!

Oh! I've also just realized something! Every building or organization in Gotham that is named after Martha and Thomas Wayne accepted a bribe from Bruce or Alfred for engaging in some illegal activity that helped out Batman! For shame on them all!

This scene takes place on my birthday!

Titus might not be too happy about Bruce adopting a dog with cannibalistic tendencies.

Bruce is all, "Knock it off, Alfred. Just kill the dog. Put it down like it deserves because it has a wound that can't be healed." Then he walks off oblivious to the irony.

By Christmas, Alfred has trained Ace to be a good boy.

He then somehow travels back to when Bruce was thirteen years old to give it to Bruce's younger self.

I don't know what the next story is called because I've only read the first page so far.

If it isn't called "Dragnet", I'm going to be sorely disappointed.

The story is called "Silent Night" and makes no reference to Dragnet so I'll just assume Scott Snyder and Ray Fawkes subconsciously stole the style of the beginning of every single episode of Dragnet ever.

The next story is called "The Not So Silent Night of the Harley Quinn." I'm sensing a theme here! Was I supposed to read this comic book around Christmas?

There's this other story about Minister Blizzard and somebody named The Stag who is going to be a huge threat in 2017 or else why even introduce her here and end the story with "End? The Stag is coming in 2017..."? See how it ends in three dots and not four? That means it's open-ended! She will be back!

Then there's a final story about some woman or something or whatever. Happy Holy Days, suckers!

The Rating!
I guess Ace the Bathound is back! Wayne Mansion is fucking infested with animals now. I hope they get some more!

No comments:

Post a Comment