Thursday, January 5, 2017

Nightwing #8

"Nightwing" looks like a verb that is probably a pretty raunchy sex act. "I'm nightwing your mom right now because we nightwed last week and she was totally into it."

Last issue, Raptor tried to convince Dick that he was Dick's dad because it's always a laugh riot convincing your friends you've banged their mother. But then Raptor also decided it would be a good idea to kidnap Bruce Wayne for some reason. I think it had to do with branding. Branding is not a superhero name.

Dick decides to start this issue by having a vague memory of one night when his mom and dad were up late talking about some strange guy bothering his mother. He had two attributes that made Nightwing's dad uncomfortable: his eyes and his...okay, it was just his eyes! I meant both of his eyes. The two of them! I totally wasn't going to say his penis because I'm maturing. It's 2017 and Donald Trump is about to be president. The time for dick jokes is long over and, possibly, took us down this road.

That must have been one uncomfortable cavity search. Although I'm sure Bruce could handle it. He probably had a miniature Batcycle crammed up there.

Raptor is upset with how Batman and Bruce Wayne fight crime. He's more upset that he took a Romani child and turned him into another rich white douchebag who battles street crime instead of helping destroy poverty and racism and other probably important stuff. The kind of stuff I can't be arsed to care about because, individually, I'm doing okay. But when I stop doing okay, you better believe I'll be out there trying to convince people to care about my issues! I'll be all, "I totally cared about your issues back then! Just don't read my commentary on Nightwing #8 and if you do, remember that I'm a largely facetious person who never really expresses perfect truths! I'm complicated!" Maybe I shouldn't even mention this review if I don't want people to read it because asking them not to read it will probably make them curious and then they'll read it! What jerks!

Raptor had better hope he found Bruce's microphone which broadcasts constantly to Alfred just in case a bad guy decides to monologue his plans (which is nearly every case). I won't say where the microphone is hidden but it involves gauging.

People who believe in the Stock Market as some sort of entity that creates wealth will still acknowledge that certain press drives stock prices up and down. Yet the people who listen to experts about the Stock Market never question how that's a thing if stocks are supposed to be representative of a company's profit and prosperity. They're not. Prices are representative of how popular a stock is and whether people think it's worth holding onto for a little longer because people are still buying it. But give some bad press about a company and watch the stock drop. Not because the press affects the profitability of the business. It simply damages its reputation which makes people fear other people will sell the stock so they sell the stock in fear that the price will drop and then the price drops because everybody starts selling. Analysts point to these things and call them anomalies or bubbles or blips and that they're not part of the actual system. The system, they say, is that prices generally go up and money keeps getting created and everybody eventually has a retirement fund. But the truth is that if no new buyers entered the Stock Market, it would cease to function profitably. The Stock Market does not generate money. It does not grow cash. Just like a pyramid scheme, it needs money coming in for those already in it to make money.

Yes, yes. There are things called dividends which companies pay out to shareholders when the company makes a profit. Those are totally different and probably the way every stock should work. If I'm investing money into your stupid company, I should get more of a return than the hope that later somebody will want to buy the stupid piece of paper with the Gold Star I received for giving the company my cash. Of course, it's probably more like I gave the five thousandth owner of that piece of paper money, like a comic book sold across many buyers, long since in the hands of the original owner. But at least I can read a fucking comic book.

I have this Stock Market rant once or twice a year and nobody has ever been able to explain to me how I'm wrong and the Stock Market actually does work in the way that analysts will tell you it works (mostly because analysts have lots of money in it and they want to keep perpetuating the system until they can cash out). I'll stop when somebody explains it to me in a way that doesn't make it out to be a scam instead of the answer I usually get which is "I'm sure it doesn't work like that at all."

Nightwing arrives to save the day! Except that Raptor isn't done with his rant against capitalism. Or whatever he's on about. I know he's really into branding so he can't be totally against capitalism. That's where branding really shines! Raptor also begins going on and on about their man-suits. He's totally lost me but I think it's just making me like him even more. He's become mysterious and unrelatable! Just the kind of person I love to fuck!

Raptor explains to Dick how he came down with leprosy and was driven out of the circus. But Dick's mom eventually came to him and offered compassion and thrills. Not those kinds of thrills! At least not yet. No, she and Raptor became the Robin Hoods of Paris, stealing from the rich and elite and giving back to the Romani and themselves.

I think Marie would just be glad that Dick was safe and well-protected and, eventually, happy.

It's easy to attack Bruce Wayne because he's rich and constantly gets richer. But what should he do? Give away all of his money so that he can't help in whatever ways he helps? I'm not sure what those ways are because it just seems like he's using his money to constantly make more money. But then "Bruce Wayne's Charitable Contributions to Gotham and Beyond" is kind of a boring title for a comic book.

After getting beat up and lectured, Nightwing smiles. That's the point Raptor loses because everybody knows Nightwing has it all figured out and when he smiles, he's about to explain it all as he kicks ass. This time, Dick is all, "You're just like Bruce, you idiot!" And Raptor is all, "What? NO! I'm melting!" But then he remembers his trap and he's all, "Bruce is dead!" And Dick is all, "Bruce has been free for like five minutes and now he's standing right behind you!" And then Bruce smiles which means bones will be breaking. Also, I'm not sure any of that happens after and including the "I'm melting!" part because I got ahead of myself as I was typing and haven't gone back to the comic book.

I like that Dick says this because I don't think it can be said enough. It's my favorite reason (and maybe the only one) that allows for Batman's use of young sidekicks. They've always existed to save Batman even if, as they're doing it, Bruce Wayne seems to be saving them as well.

Dick does some of that Batman justice Raptor hates which means he breaks the arm and leg of Raptor to incapacitate him. Then he goes up to save Bruce who has basically already saved himself but Bruce allows Nightwing his moment and pretends to almost fall to his death.

Later, Tiger arrives to take Raptor into Spyral custody. He makes sure to tell Bruce Wayne that he doesn't know he's Batman at all and will keep it that way.

See?! I never would have thought Bruce was the type of dad to lose games to his kids on purpose. Sucker!

The Ranking!
+1! I'm sad that Raptor didn't get to become a friend and mentor to Nightwing. I suppose Nightwing already has enough friends who are also kind of enemies. There's probably a word for that. Anyway, at least he'll be back. The main reason superheroes don't kill is because fans want to see the bad guys return over and over again. Who reads Batman for Batman? It's all about Joker and Catwoman, really! But not Penguin. Fuck Penguin.

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