Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #2

Drilling your own cave isn't technically spelunking.

I'm not sure how I feel about Cave Carson drilling into the Earth. The Earth is round like an egg and often called a mother. Cave Carson is a one-eyed monster who loves to penetrate dark openings. Drilling down into my Mother against her will feels icky, especially when it's a Young Animal comic book. Because I know Young Animal comic books are supposed to mean more than what's on the surface. That's what this whole book about a spelunker is about! You're supposed to explore the deeper, darker hidden meanings in things! And when that deeper, darker hidden meaning winds up being the message "Fuck your mother," I feel a bit insulted. Does Gerard Way think I'm not man enough to insult my own mother? Fuck his mother!

This issue begins with the tale of how Cave Carson lost his eye. I'll sum it up in one word: carelessness! No wait! I have a better word: naiveté! Also maybe curiosity? Trust? Stupidity? Okay, I've discovered there are a lot of ways to explain why Cave Carson now has a cybernetic eye. I suppose you can't blame him. If I were crawling around a dark cave trying to avoid being killed by a Magma Troll, I'd probably assume the cutesy little robot orb with legs that dropped from the cave ceiling was friendly too. Don't believe anybody who might suggest I'd run screaming from the cave at the slightest sound and would never have even seen the cybernetic eye.

Fredric Wertham's anti-comic boner would have grown three sizes today.

This entire book is just a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotency, isn't it? He "retired" from exploring caves. His wife "died." He needs another man, Wild Dog, to operate his "drill." If you rearrange the letters in "Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye," you get "I c-ca-can see a very-y chaste boner" (said in a cave thus the echoes).

Cave Carson's daughter, Chloe, is out with her boyfriend shopping for podcasting equipment so her father can spend all the free time he has from not having sex podcasting.

Christ, Chloe! Do you have to tell everybody about your dad's condition?!

Last issue, Cave Carson uncovered a mystery! The corporation which trains all the young spelunkers is involved in evilness and treachery! What a shock! That's the theme to Doom Patrol too! That's two of the four Young Animal books that are against capitalism and corporations! Shade the Changing Girl is about how bullying is bad and Mother Panic is about how art is murder.

Cave Carson realizes he needs to fight back. Dammit. Why did I use that phrase, "fight back"?! Now I want to watch old episodes of Fight Back with David Horowitz! I wonder if there are any on YouTube? Excuse me while I dive into this nearby rabbit hole. Time and writing being what they are, you won't even notice I'm gone!

See? I'm back! I also took a few moments to troll Sean Spicer on Twitter. The only power I feel I have as an American is to belittle and humiliate these assholes' words and actions since they don't give a shit about anything other than themselves. They don't care if we call them on their alternative facts or that we're against the things they're doing that we can't stop. But I'm fairly certain Sean Spicer gets tired of people asking him how good Trump's hand-jobs are. I think the movement we need, as Americans (oh, I also invite people from around the globe to join in. I know Joel Lycett is already enjoying doing it), is for each of us to tweet some insult to Donald Trump and Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway once per day. Just let them feel our disapproval, even if it's just their assistants reading the Tweets. You have to make them funny though, especially if assistants are reading the Tweets. The more they get some good laughs out of insulting their bosses, the more they're apt to engage in tiny worker rebellions around the office.

Oh, um, anyway, Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye meets with Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail to discuss the problems between EBX and the Muldroogian Mole People. Paul is all, "Oh shit yeah! We totes knows what's going down, Cave! We're on it, bro! But we need your daughter to help!" And Cave is all, "You need a championship Kick Puncher?" But instead of asking Chloe for her help because she might say no, Paul decides to kidnap her and force her on his new Corporate Cave Exploring Team. Cave probably won't like that and he'll have to bring the entire organization down, John McClane style. Or Rambo style. I mean, take your pick. There are so many movies where one lone white man saves the world that nobody ever asks themselves, "Why are fucking white guys so Goddamned confident and arrogant?"

What a man!

Using her world-championship Kick Punching skills, Chloe gets away from the EBX Agents. Using his naughty pen, Cave Carson gets away from Paul Has a Douchey Ponytail. Oh, he also quits EBX and steals the Drill Machine. Time to get his Indie Kickstarter Cave Exploration Team going!

Cave picks up Wild Dog first because he needs a Republican on his team to kill indiscriminately. Being a Democrat, Cave Carson has to be particular about the people he can do violence to and sometimes it's better to just kill anybody who seems to be trying to kidnap your daughter. Killing anybody and feeling no remorse is practically Wild Dog's only super power.

Too bad for Cave and Chloe and Wild Dog, the bad guys don't just die when they're shot. They pop a pill and transform into a monster.

What Did I Learn?
I've learned that it's hard to read a comic book and write about it when you're busy reading your Twitter feed because you follow a lot of sassy monsters who don't take any shit from Twitter idiots. I've figured out the best way to use Twitter, by the way. You say things that are true. When somebody responds angrily with their anti-truths which they truly believe because they are desperately unsatisfied with who they've become as an adult, you don't bother engaging with them. You just tell them to shut the fuck up or call them a name and move on. Because trying to have a rational argument with an irrational person will almost certainly lead to high blood pressure and a stroke at a young age. People who don't know what they're talking about don't deserve dialogue. They need to be beat with the word stick, patted on the butt, and shoved along to the kiddy table.

The Ranking!
No change!

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