Friday, January 13, 2017

The Lost Boys #2

Just because you're a vampire, it doesn't mean you have to be an annoying fucking cunt.

For the life of me, I can't understand how people are ever bored. I don't mean when you're on a long plane flight and being in an uncomfortable situation keeps you from doing things you'd normally do in that space of time, like read or write or secretly masturbate under the complimentary blanket. Or when you're at a job that forces you to stay for forty hours every week when there's really only twenty-three hours of work. I mean when you're in the comfort of the domicile of your own choosing living a life that isn't completely taken up by a subsistence living, I can't see how people get bored. I'm struggling to get everything in that I want to get in before I die. And I'm failing miserably! How does anybody ever have the time to be bored?!

The artist of this book is named Godlewski. Braggart.

This issue begins with a coroner telling the family member of a recently found dead person how vampires don't exist. That's not usually the first thing you tell a recently dead person's family member unless vampires really do exist and the evidence of their existence is overwhelming and you're in denial.

If you see these marks all the time on dead bodies in Santa Carla and you don't think vampires exist, I don't think you know how scientific evidence and investigation work. Stop letting your bias control the results of your medical examinations! Quincy would be so disappointed in you.

We should all live by the motto "What would Quincy do?" I'm fairly certain one thing he would do is walk around in public with one hand jammed way down the front of his pants.

The Medical Examiner explains that the bite marks are just things local gang members (who aren't vampires, by the way!) do to victims to spread fear. So, you know, nothing to be afraid of. Except the roving gangs of not vampires murdering people. That's not spooky at all.

The woman is the Sam's mother identifying her father, the vampire hunter. So she doesn't need to be told that vampires aren't destroying Santa Carla. She lived it! Although I don't remember. In the movie, was she one of those characters who didn't believe in the vampires and just thought all of the chaos and destruction was being caused by partying youths? Anyway, a policeman comes to offer his regards and he calls the people who killed her father "monsters." This makes Star uncomfortable since she was one of those monsters. Or was half one of those monsters. Or still is?

With the death of his grandfather, Sam has figured out the woman he met in the comic book store earlier was a vampire. She had those scratches on her shoulder that are totally the David brand and almost certainly representations of the antler scratches he suffered when he was almost killed by Sam and his grandfather and the Frogs. Time to gear up and go hunting vampires! Like right now! This series only has five issues left and it's probably going to take a lot of pages to kill all the sexy vampires in Santa Carla in really sexy ways. This is a Vertigo comic, right? I demand some adult material!

This issue is called "The Lost Girl" because representation matters. Little girls should see women vampires too so that they realize being a vampire is not beyond their grasp.

The Frog Brothers rush out to kill some vampires or maybe have sex with some vampires. Hopefully right on panel. Not because I want to see the boners of the Frog Brothers! I want to see some naked vampires!

I seem to be somewhat distracted while reading this. I probably should have masturbated before reading comic books. Dave Sim, the writer of Cerebus, eventually took a vow of chastity because he believed it distracted him from his work. So he didn't even masturbate! I think he had the whole thing backwards. You need to masturbate so you get past the urge and aren't constantly distracted. I also think I'm right and Dave Sim was wrong. Just look at the evidence! While Dave Sim was fucking and masturbating, he wrote the first half of Cerebus. Pure genius! While he was not touching his ding dong or thinking about anybody else touching it, he wrote the final books of Cerebus. Total yawnsville!

Star runs out on Michael proclaiming this is her fault because she's a fucking monster! If David is still alive then she's still a half-vampire! She's a traitor!

This story takes place in the 80s where brothers never would have hugged because it was gay.

I almost captioned the above scan "Now fuck!" If you're less sensitive about incest than being reminded that guys in the 80s were obsessed with not appearing gay, you can switch the captions.

The Frog Brothers investigate the old Dave the Vampire's haunt only to find a tunnel has been dug into the floor and down into the side of the seaside cliff. It must lead to the fabled City of Hot Vampire Lesbians! That comment wasn't me hoping that all the vampires are lesbians. That comment was due to the vampire comic books from the previous issue all having titles about vampires and their lesbian tendencies.

The Frog Brothers fall into the tunnel because of an earthquake which is like a daily occurrence in California. They wind up in a pool in a deep cave staring up at David and his hot female vampire coven hanging from the ceiling. Gross! Vampires must have claws instead of toes! I wonder if any of their other body parts look different? I hope not.

It's difficult in this day and age to be a man and constantly have all of your natural urges called sexist. Like looking at attractive women and wanting to have sex with those attractive women and calling them bitches when they refuse.

All the missing children reveal themselves as they slip into the water and attack the Frog Brothers from below the surface. Don't kid vampires ever sleep?! They're just like real kids! Always up and banging about the house and murdering people before the sun is even up.

David wakes up as Edgar is busy calling Sam on the Walkie Talkie. Edgar says a bunch of stuff about how thankful he is to Sam for being a friend but he doesn't say, "Sam! The Vampires are in a hole in David's old flat!" He was definitely right in his claim that he should have been a better vampire hunter.

Speaking of better vampire hunters, some guy called The Believer who wasn't voted into the Hunters Union is about to meet Sam. Maybe he'll be able to save the Frog Brothers! He's introduced all shirtless and sexy with a studded belt and leather pants and playing a saxophone. Remember, this is the 80s! There was nothing more sexy than playing a saxophone while shirtless! Which seems weird when you remember my last comment about how guys tried so hard not to look gay in that decade. Blowing a horn that reaches down to your crotch? Not exactly the not-gayest thing.

The Ranking!
No change! I suppose if you like The Lost Boys, you should really enjoy this excursion back into the world. I can't say I'm a huge fan of the movie since I haven't really rewatched it since around when it first came out. And I've never read any supplementary stories or seen either of the more recent spin-off movies. But I hear there are people who still feather their hair and hang Poison posters on their walls who really fucking love this shit. You'd probably love this too!

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