Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Blue Beetle #3

If Jamie leans too far back, he stabs himself in the butthole.

I don't think people realize how easy it is to be a cypher to Internet advertisers because they're always so eager to put their opinion everywhere on the Internet or to like as many things as possible to express their unique personality. The advertisements on my social media sites struggle to come up with anything that might possibly spark a bit of interest in my wallet. I once looked up "Freudian Slippers" because I knew they had to exist and they did. So for months, I'd get advertisements basically saying, "Hey! Hey! Look! You still haven't bought these ugly things! You want 'em? They're still avaialable!" Months ago, I looked up some covers for Peter Milligan's Shade the Changing Man and I'm still getting ads using covers of the comic book. That's about the only bit of my interest advertisers have managed to sink their claws into and they won't fucking let it go. If it's not covers of a comic book I read decades ago and still own (so why would I be interested in the ads?), I just get random products as the Global Advertising All-Brain tries to get me to click on something to find another piece of the me puzzle.

I'd be shook too if the new breakthrough in tanning was rubbing shit on yourself.

I suppose the place that would know my interests best would be Amazon since I do occasionally shop there. Let's see what it's recommending for me today!

"Rules of Civility", We Should All Be Feminists, Exploring Psychology, and some book about becoming a dad? Way to make me feel emasculated, Amazon! At least they got two right: Hitchiker's which I'd never buy because I already own in at least three versions and some book about having an IQ of 84. Although that's a bit high for me, I think I could probably relate.

I can't remember the last time I purchased a Walking Dead book or anything Buffy-related on Amazon. And I've never purchased a Saga book although I do eventually need to having left off with the single issues around the time they met that guy in the lighthouse. I have no idea why they think I want a Joan Crawford movie. But I will take the book of Laura Ingalls' wisdom! She's my fucking favorite!

This issue begins with Jaime sleep-superheroing. It's kind of like sleepwalking but it's when the sentient alien scarab on your back decides you're a pusshole and you haven't been killing enough bad guys. So it takes you out when you're sleeping to throw you into a life-threatening situation where you wake up confused. The scarab takes him into one of the holes that have been appearing in the city and plops him down in front of an army of bug-people. He'll probably kill a few just from being startled awake. I imagine if I woke up in a room full of screaming toddlers, I'd kill a few of them before I fully realized what was going on.

I'm a bit disappointed that the scarab didn't drop Jaime into Blur's bedroom. I'm still hoping those kids engage in a proper fuckfight soon.

As Blue Beetle battles, he begins to speak Old Portugese [sic as seen in New 52 Swamp Thing #5]. I suppose somebody at DC lost the key to the language because the editors let this slip by:

He's saying, "Wait. What the fuck?"

I asked Lord Google "'Josh Red' DC Comics lost job" but didn't get any results. I assume nobody noticed. Good for you, Josh! You're really shaking things up! Don't get too cocky though! Remember that even the great Simon Bisley was fired for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm!

After a brief and confusing battle, the ceiling collapses and Blue Beetle is pulled out of the hole which closes under him. He decides he should probably investigate the problem. I guess that means he'll be joining the Posse and possibly even getting some pussy from Blur. She wants to fuck him so badly.

Meanwhile, Ted Kord is busy building something.

This is probably the same conversationg H.H. Holmes had with contractors.

Jaime stops by to see Ted and Ted is all, "Oh, by the way! Remember how I said Doctor Fate came by to see me? Yeah, well, he wants to kill you." Doctor Fate is afraid the scarab will do that thing to Earth that the scarabs like to do to planets. I think the phrase is "utter destruction."

Teri, Kord's biologist who is trying to figure out how to remove Jaime's scarab (and probably how to put it in Ted!), is currently meeting with Sugar and Spike. I guess somebody has some embarrassing moments from their past they'd like covered up! I'm guessing it has to do with Blue Beetle's time on Justice League International and his friendship with Booster Gold and too much alcohol and a fat cock.

The rest of the comic book is Jaime going around telling people he's going to get a medical check-up and that he might die. They all go, "Well, do you want me to be there?" Why is everybody so eager to see him die?!

There's an epilogue where a Green Beetle is walking around an airport in El Paso killing children. He's probably a bad guy.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm enjoying this comic book but since most of this was just Jaime moping about sleepwalking, I can't classify it as a Don't Miss Thriller!

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